Intertwined Fates

As is well known, those in love and happy do not watch the clock. Time is truly an illusion, it can freeze, stretch long and sweetly, like honey, or fly swiftly like a fired bullet. In my presence, Leo never once looked at his watch – only when we simultaneously leaned back on the sofa, laughing heartily about something and looking at each other, I stole a glance at the dial and noted that instead of half an hour, an hour had already flown by. I stretched lazily and began to collect the sheets of paper with notes, and, feeling in my pocket for three candies that had survived the flight from Moscow with me, my eyes sparkled with joy:

– And I have a small present for you. These are for you, – I handed him the sweets, wrapped in red wrappers, slightly worn from the long journey. Winking, I continued: – Just be careful, they have liqueur, don’t eat them at work. I secretly smuggled them past the security at the checkpoint.

– What are you doing! How could you! – he exclaimed and laughed. – What have you done? I’m going to get drunk, burst into Eva Schwein’s office and cause a scandal.

– Just don’t tell her it’s because of me!

We looked at each other and laughed selflessly again, as if by accident moving even closer to each other. I carefully wiped away a tear from the corner of my eye that had appeared from laughter. Usually, I was characterized by calmness and a certain phlegmaticness, restraint, but Leo’s bright emotions immediately found a response in me. I felt as if a bright energy of attraction and joy was sparkling between us.

Noting with warmth how he put three candies on his notebook, I got up from the couch and went to the exit. From formal meetings filled with tension and misunderstanding, our discussions finally began to acquire a shade of spiritual relaxation – as I used to scroll through in my thoughts before going to bed, as if catching pictures from the outside, coming from somewhere in the future. At this hour, we, two people tired from work, could forget about current problems and immerse ourselves in an interesting conversation with each other or funny stories.

Frankly and provocatively, with undisguised interest in each other, we sat in his cramped walk-through office in full view of everyone, although between us there was only conversation, and nothing more.

– I need to go, I still have to do calculations before diagnosing the code, – he sighed a little tiredly and got up from the couch.

– Probably, it is so interesting, – I tilted my head to the side, thinking. – It’s a pity that for me it is all an empty phrase. But I would like to know how you carry out all the stages of code creation, right up to the finished program. After all, I establish contacts with the media to promote your developments. How will I write competent articles and select sites for interviews if I don’t understand anything about your work? – I spread my hands in confusion.

Indeed, what was happening in the labs seemed like real magic to me. Here, in the corporation, they subjugated the laws of logic – and created programs that made life easier for thousands of people. Isn’t that magic?

– So let’s go, I’ll show you!

He beamed and threw a white coat over my shoulders over my strict business gray checkered suit. We stepped into the lab room: light poured from wide windows under the ceiling, the white space was crisscrossed with cabinets and long tables with many devices and modern monitors, at which employees in white coats worked. «Just like in my visions a couple of months ago!» – I thought with a slight shudder, looking around with interest and remembering how I had already seen these pictures once before going to bed: Leo and I in white coats going on an excursion to his lab.

Stopping near one of the cabinets, Leo took out a sheet of paper with sketches of the interface and calculations, chaotically applied by his hand, from the far shelf. Then he put it on the table and motioned for me to come over.

– These are my calculations, which now need to be systematized. Look, what is the principle. Do you see these lines drawn in dotted lines?…

He enthusiastically began to explain to me the principles of working with code and the interface. But seeing that, despite the sincere interest in my look, two deep lines ran between my eyebrows – I frowned, not understanding what he was talking about – he changed the course of his explanation and began to tell me the process of creating a program from scratch, simultaneously sketching out diagrams in a notebook. Then he darted off somewhere and came back, handing me a small metal plate. I carefully took it in my hands and began to examine it in the light, afraid to carelessly touch something with my nails. Leo continued his explanation, after which he carefully took the plate from me – for a couple of seconds our fingers touched, and warmth spread through my hand, quickly taking over my whole body. We turned warm glances of brown eyes on each other and smiled shyly.

I glanced at the laboratory staff: they were sitting at their small sections of the tables, entering something into computers or writing calculations on drawings. Some of them, mostly girls, raised their heads and openly looked at me – incomprehension was read in their gaze. «Well, let them look at me and think who I am, for whom their boss dropped his business and gave a tour.» I knew how quickly rumors spread in the corporation, behind those concrete walls with barbed wire, and I was prepared for the fact that they would start whispering and guessing about us. I was not afraid of gossip – in my life, they had never touched me. And this time, they did not appear even after months of our closeness with Leo. Or the gossip was passed on too secretly and did not touch, did not tarnish us, even when we too openly demonstrated our closeness to each other.

We both looked a little unsociable and strange, kept aloof from everyone, immersed in our thoughts. As it turned out later, a similar fate befell us both in our university years – our peers considered us «too smart» and a little avoided us. It seemed that gossip passed us by now too.

Leo gestured for me to enter a small, cluttered room in the corner of the laboratory. «And this is a centrifuge,» he waved his hand in the direction of a large round apparatus that reached my waist. «It’s needed so that…» I turned around, listening attentively to his explanation. We were alone in this cramped room, and my heart began to pound wildly again.

A smile touched my lips, and I concentrated on his speech, pondering every word and nodding encouragingly. Where attention goes, energy goes, so I was now giving it to Leo, encouraging his enthusiastic story. Being a natural teacher, he had worked as a teacher at the university for many years before this moment, and now he occasionally taught computer science lessons for children at school.

Being natural teachers with him, we were also good listeners, so now I gave him space to show himself – to give a short excursion on his favorite work.

– You know so much… Probably, it took so long to learn all this? – I asked naively at the exit, looking around the laboratory.

– Oh, you have to learn this all your life, – he answered with a smile.

Returning home in the evening, I put the kettle on and tiredly sank into a chair, once again looking around my small room, which served as a kitchen, dining room and bedroom at the same time. Having made some tea, I reached for my phone and started browsing the latest news on social networks. My soul was warmed by the memory of today’s excursion. It was much more interesting than computer science lessons at school. I wanted to learn more about the field where I work.

«Thank you for today’s excursion, it was very interesting! And maybe you can recommend what else to watch, read on the topic of programming? Only popular science, something for beginners,» I sent a message to Leo.

I wanted to continue the conversation – I felt that mutual understanding was beginning to emerge between us. For him, as for me, the intellectual aspect of life is important, he loves his profession dearly.

«Watch my lectures. Otherwise, I’ll look for something,» he replied with a laughing smiley. I dropped my shoulders in disappointment and pushed my cup of tea aside. «Okay, thank you,» I typed in response.

It seems he does not share my enthusiasm, and our rapprochement today was again illusory. What is this? One step forward, two steps back!

Probably, I showed too much sympathy and initiative in communication. It was the same in all previous romances, and it ended pitifully. But I did not know how to do it any other way.

«You need too much attention, mind your own business already,» the last words of my ex-fiancé surfaced in my memory, as if reviving old wounds.

Time after time, I chose men who did not show affection for me, because I believed that, in essence, there was nothing to love about me, and stubbornly sought their attention in order to control for what qualities and at what moment they liked me.

On the one hand, it was exciting for me and safe for my psyche. As soon as I lost control over the situation in the relationship, I could distance myself. On the other hand, it put me in a vulnerable position, because it showed susceptibility, dependence of mood on another person. Thus, giving him a kind of power over me. I had already been burned more than once in communication with Leo – he talked to me with interest, but only about work. And I still considered myself unworthy of the attention of his important person, continuing to strenuously demonstrate all the good things that could interest him. I did not show only the most important thing – true love and respect for myself. Maybe because they were not there. Nevertheless, I felt that he was gradually beginning to open up to me, because he is very cautious, and his mental organization is too delicate, if it is not about work.

***

– Kira, why do you have such a scared look again? – Eva Schwein asked me in surprise, as soon as I sat down on a chair in her spacious office.

Less than a minute ago, my boss called me and told me to go up to their office. I immediately put my business aside and went up to the second floor. As usual, they didn’t tell me the purpose of the visit, and that could mean anything. It’s better to immediately prepare yourself for the worst – then a different outcome will be a pleasant surprise.

– Yes, it’s not scared, I was just in a hurry, running to you, – I shrugged and smiled.

Her strong gaze, filled with warmth, had a strange effect on me, like hypnosis, and instantly calmed me down. I turned my head and glanced at the boss, sitting on the other side of the table.

– Now I’ll send you out the door to get some air, – she threatened me with feigned anger, and I couldn’t hold back a sincere smile.

– I’m calm.

– Kira, we would like to offer you to join another new project of ours. If you can handle it, we will offer you a promotion.

I froze for a moment, clutching the arms of my chair tightly. As soon as I sat in the silence and shade for a couple of months, the top management noticed me and immediately began pushing me up the career ladder. And I only graduated from university six months ago, and I was still studying! Isn’t this too fast?

– Kira, what’s wrong with you? Are you afraid you won’t be able to handle it? – Schwein looked into my eyes with slight concern.

I had never seen that cautious look before. All she had ever shown in front of me was anger at other employees.

– Oh, what are you saying, no! If it needs to be done, then I have no option but to handle it, – I smiled and shrugged. My head was spinning slightly from the prospects at work.

Two hours later, we met Eva Schwein again, in a spacious round conference room where the sight of the dark wooden columns along the walls warmed us up on a frosty winter day. It was the final lecturers’ meeting before the start of the project for which we were preparing psychological training, and a dozen people were seated around a long glass table.

I turned around and saw Leo. He paused for a moment in the doorway, glanced around the table, and then quietly walked over and sat down on the chair next to me. I looked at him and smiled warmly. The meeting had begun.

Schwein picked up a sheet of paper with the names of the employees who had applied to participate in the training project and ran her gaze down the list.

– Vasily? The mechanic from the garage? – She looked up at us and continued with a loud laugh. – Don’t you think that he, how can I say this, shows the traits of a sociopath? A real one. Aiming to be a boss?

I turned around in confusion, glancing at my colleagues. They laughed artificially and tensely in response to her remark, exchanging glances with each other.

I winced slightly. «As far as I know, she is a software engineer by education, not a psychiatrist or even a psychologist. She openly diagnoses other people, and in such a rude manner and ridicules them in public? As a psychologist, I don’t understand this,» I frowned. But, remembering our warm morning conversation, I immediately tried to convince myself: «Perhaps this is just a peculiar sense of humor. And yet, it is unethical and unacceptable.»

My respect for Eva Schwein used to be unwavering, but now an unpleasant aftertaste fell on my soul. In any case, I am grateful to her for putting me to work with Leo – I want to believe with all my might that I will have the same happy story as Marina Voikova, whose happiness was built by the hands of this woman.

I caught Leo’s gaze sitting next to me – just as puzzled as mine, and shrugged slightly.

– We are crossing Ivan off the list of participants, – Schwein snapped her fingers, then ran her eyes over the column of small black text.

I put a small cross next to the name of one of the employees in my copy of the list, marking that he was no longer among the participants.

– So they put a cross on the man, – I whispered jokingly, slightly tilting my head towards Leo.

Suddenly he snatched the pen from my hands and drew a large grave cross next to the employee’s name. I stared at him with wide eyes, not understanding what he was doing. – That’s how you put a cross on a person! – he blurted out unexpectedly loudly, and silence hung in the air.

A dozen pairs of eyes stared at us, displeased and at the same time surprised.

«Typical of a knight of swords with his harsh humor, no less,» I thought, taking the pen from him. On the outside, I was embarrassed, but deep inside, something timidly rejoiced at his latest inept attempt to get closer to me.

«And now let’s move on to the last question,» Eva Schwein continued, breaking the awkward pause hanging in the air. – After the participants listen to your lectures, they will need to prepare a final paper. And each of you must become a curator for one of them. And Kira will take two at once!

– Me? – I was taken aback, tearing my gaze away from the sheet of paper covered with writing and raising it to her. – But how can I be a curator of more experienced employees? I’ve only been here for a short time!

– You can do it! – Leo’s confident voice suddenly rang out over my ear.

I, and everyone else after me, stared at him in surprise. Seeing how my face was flushed with a thick blush and a wide smile did not leave my lips, my colleagues decided to tactfully remain silent. I felt that the blood was burning my cheeks from the inside. My chaotically wandering, embarrassed gaze caught on his hand with its graceful fingers – I wanted so much to cover it with my palm now as a sign of ardent gratitude. But the unchanging shine of the ring on his finger burned me, and I, slightly drooping, looked away from his hands.

– Thank you for your support! – I only whispered, unable to raise my eyes to him. «You’ll succeed, you’re responsible,» he whispered back.

At that moment, it seemed like bright flowers had blossomed in my soul under the hot sunlight – despite the frost outside. Leo supported me in front of everyone, like a true knight. I remembered all our cozy get-togethers in his office and video calls to discuss the project from home, the warm touch of hands during the excursion.

The meeting ended, and everyone left the room. I lingered a little, collecting sheets of paper with notes, and went to the door. Leo remained in the office when everyone left, and waited for me near the exit. I looked up at him and saw how he looked back – tenderly and patronizingly. He was happy to stand up for me and proud of himself.

«Leo, thank you again,» I barely audibly said, trying not to betray my traitorously ragged breathing. We walked down the narrow white corridor as slowly as possible, discussing various little things. As we were going down the marble stairs, I accidentally tripped, and the sheets of paper I had carefully collected fell out of my hands with a loud rustle. Leo turned around in a flash:

– What are you doing! You scared me! I was already tensed, ready to catch you! – he blurted out loudly, so that the employees standing by the stairs heard us, and bent down, collecting the papers.

– Thank you. Everything is falling out of my hands, I need to sleep more, – I smiled embarrassedly, taking the stack of sheets from his hands.

– Take care of yourself, – he said briefly, and we went our separate ways.

And only at the end of the day, calmly finishing work on another report, inspired by our warm conversation today, I felt the first cracks appear in my heart.

A colleague from the neighboring department ran into the office, loudly exclaiming:

– And I told you that Lev’s wife, Christina, is pregnant! Look, she’s going on maternity leave in April!

I glanced at her briefly and immediately looked away, feeling how all the weight of the world was gathering in them. A deep furrow ran between my eyebrows. I knew that they had been unable to have a child for so many years – gods, why now? When everything was just starting to get better?

The world before my eyes swam, shattered into pieces, like a kaleidoscope, and I turned away to the window, absentmindedly looking at my gloomy reflection. It was as if someone had struck me with a sharp point under the solar plexus, and I almost doubled over, greedily gasping for air. Now I didn’t even try to hide my grief from my colleagues, which shone through in my every movement and gathered like heaviness around my eyes. Just a little more – and streams of tears will flow from them.

I need to hold back, not to burst into tears right here, wait until I get home…

Pregnant? But how can that be? After all, we are already in love, and the ice between us has broken – it can’t be stopped.

I didn’t know that in one day you can experience so much delight and so much pain.

***

Tuesday. This weekend we were supposed to present our psychology project. I was nervous, because I felt a great responsibility, especially at my first training in my life. So today after lunch we scheduled a training session with Leo in the conference hall.

I knew that psychology and emotions are his element, when he takes off the protective masks of an intellectual, and a conversation about them will be lively, interesting and sincere, unlike some report on abstract topics. It will be a real hour and a half of rest in the middle of a hard working day, a breath of fresh air.

If only I could forget this pain from the news of his wife’s pregnancy, which in an instant darkened all hopes. An immoral pain, to which I, in fact, had no right. And yet, it was destroying from the inside.

I wanted to go up to Leo, shake him by the shoulders and throw out all my despair in a scream: «How could you?!»

But what would he answer me? How could he do what? Have a child with his legal wife after we worked on a work project together and when he stood up for me at a meeting? Seriously?

I don’t even have the right to show the pain that’s persistently twisting my insides.

I have to survive another day, step by step. I threw a small thermos I had long forgotten into my bag: today I was going to secretly pour coffee in our office, take a couple of paper cups and take it all to another building, where our rehearsal would take place.

Through these difficulties, I was going to treat and please Leo, and also create a working mood for myself, since the caffeine had long been absorbed into my blood and kept me afloat.

Before leaving, I looked in the mirror – I chose a strict black shirt dress, cinched at the thin waist with a belt with a snake print. Clear forms and nothing superfluous. Nodding to my reflection, I left the house, once again making the long walk to work across half the city.

Running into the conference room five minutes before the appointed time, I set the cups on the table, poured coffee. I connected the presentation, into which so much effort and time had been invested. Leo slowly entered the office, threw his jacket on the sofa and sat down next to me at the table.

«Here. Black, no sugar,» I confidently pushed the cup towards him.

«Thank you, that’s how I drink it. As if you’ve known me for ages,» he smiled.

«Start your story,» I nodded warmly to him, «your block opens our module.»

Leo paused slightly, then began telling me the introductory part. I followed his story with interest. It was obvious that he was making up a speech on the fly. This made me smile.

He caught my sly glance and gave in – he began to openly discuss with me how best to structure the presentation in this or that part. His speech was full of vivid examples and jokes on the verge of decency, so that I laughed loudly and heartily, losing control of myself, and tears appeared in the corners of my eyes.

– Stop laughing at me! Now I’ll look at you, how you’re going to tell it! – he exclaimed with feigned indignation.

I slid a tender glance at him and, after hesitating for a second, reached out and brushed a thread off his sweater. Then I turned away from the screen, leaned back in the chair, stretching out my leg in a high boot. My hand lay on the armrest, accidentally exposing a deep, bright scratch recently earned through carelessness.

– What’s wrong with your hand? – he exclaimed worriedly, as soon as I turned my hand over. I turned around and saw that he reflexively extended his hand to mine, holding it back a millimeter so as not to touch my skin.

– Oh, nonsense, cooking. Domestic injuries, – I smiled and began to tell my block, picking up his speech.

Luckily, we fit in exactly an hour and a half, as we originally planned.

– Forgive me for laughing at the beginning. I was laughing not at you, but with you. You charge me with a good mood, positive emotions of a high degree of intensity, – I made a reference to the terms from our lecture and smiled.

He narrowed his eyes, pretending to look at me critically:

– Okay, I’m not one of those who take offense, – he finally stopped pretending and winked.

I beamed, laughed and began to pack my things. Despite the recent injury, which I thought was incompatible with life, my soul was now filled with lightness, I wanted to soar, dance and even sing – the latter happened extremely rarely with my reserved nature. I did not want to work.

I went outside, turned my face to the cold winter sun and listened to the crunch of freshly fallen snow under my heels.

The snowflakes shimmered with mother-of-pearl and sparkled – it was the icy calm and peace of nature. They lay and shimmered in the same way hundreds of thousands of years ago, before the arrival of man, and now they calmly cover the asphalt, the roof of the business center and the barbed wire on the fence.

«It was so nice when we just lived in the wild and were a part of it,» flashed through my mind, and I shook my head, driving away the strange thoughts that again referred to the past, in which I could not live. Or could I? I often caught myself comparing our time with past eras and even analyzing what had become better and what had become worse.

«What past lives, I can’t even figure out this one!» I grinned with annoyance.

It seems that today I failed to fit into the sharp turn of fate. Four months ago, it made a sharp turn, bringing Leo and me together with the hands of Eva Schwein. The ice between us began to melt quite recently, but I was not completely sure of this either – Leo looked so cautious that he hid in his shell at the first opportunity.