Intertwined Fates

But now his whole appearance expressed obvious displeasure. Slightly disheveled dark hair, a stretched lilac sweater and a slight tremor in his hands – all this gave away in him an extremely busy person who had been pulled out of the work process against his will.

«I don’t have anything ready,» he began without greeting. Noticing my embarrassed look, he continued to press. «I don’t have time to deal with this… crap.»

I was overwhelmed with confusion and awkwardness. How could this be! I prepared for the meeting so much, reread and took notes on several articles on psychology, made a plan, and this project really did look promising! But what bothered me most was something else. Lev and I exchanged glances for so long, and finally the top management took the first step for us – they put us to work together.

My throat tightened with resentment for a moment. «How can he be rude to me on our first meeting!»

«It’s okay,» I smiled politely, keeping my composure, and got back to work. «I have a few ideas on how to structure the work. We’ll split the entire module into four thematic blocks, each of us gets two. You can add a couple of exercises at the end. I’ll take care of the presentation – just send me the information on your blocks. I’ve also started reading a book on our topic, in my opinion, it’s written in an accessible language, useful and without fluff. If you have time, I’d advise you to read it.»

I noticed that he had thawed a little, his gaze had softened, and he sat down more relaxed, leaning back on the sofa. I leaned back after him. We leaned in and moved closer to each other as if by accident.

«What’s the name of the book?» he asked again and opened the online library on his smartphone. A couple of clicks – and he already had it in electronic form.

– What kind of application is this? I’ll install it too, – I did a couple of manipulations on the smartphone and nodded with satisfaction. – What deadlines will we set? By what date will we prepare the drafts of our blocks?

– Somehow you started fussing early… There are still almost four months.

– It’s better to start without rushing earlier, we’ll do everything well, – I shrugged.

Back then, I really managed to live by this principle – until things started falling on me like an avalanche.

– On the twenty-fifth, I’m leaving for a conference in Adler, for a congress of scientists, – he thoughtfully looked at the calendar hanging on the wall. – And from the twenty-first to the twenty-third, I’ll be in Novosibirsk.

– In Novosibirsk? – I perked up and thought that I had misheard. I still had the warmest memories of that town. – It’s freezing there now, dress warmer. What will you do there?

– We are presenting a training program for students of technical specialties. I will be giving a lecture on diagnostics of faults in program code at the Polytechnic.

– How great! – my eyes sparkled with admiration. – There is a good academic environment there. I am from Novosibirsk State University. Have you heard of it?

– Yes, I was there, talked to the rector. He is a bit funny, reminds me of a character from some TV series, – he laughed.

– Okay, then we will just work, we will agree closer to the matter when we meet to discuss, – I stood up and headed for the exit. – Have a nice day.

That’s it. The whole fateful first meeting took no more than ten minutes. I pursed my lips, trying to calm the annoyance flaring up inside.

I carefully walked in heels across the freshly washed slippery floor and again plunged into the frost nipping at my skin. An unpleasant aftertaste remained inside, and I shuddered. «Nonsense! So, all this time of waiting – and you tell me at our first meeting that everything is crap, and laugh at my rector?» I raised an eyebrow. Honestly, naively, but inside I had a hope that he would immediately say something like «Finally we met!», or maybe immediately confess his love to me. Sounds funny. But my intuition told me that everything is yet to come.

Despite the strange first meeting, I was extremely interested to know how Lev felt about me, and what was behind his demonstratively dismissive behavior. If only there was a way to look into his thoughts…

And then, on the way home, it dawned on me. Such a way exists!

As soon as I entered the apartment, my hand itself reached for the Tarot cards, which had long been resting on the shelf unused. Obviously, now was their time. I felt that this was not just like that and that there was a «second bottom» to the situation of our meeting and communication in general.

I drew the curtains, brewed myself some mint tea, lit a few candles that filled the room with a soft amber light, and reached for the cards. I took the deck in my hands, feeling the familiar strange warmth from it, and began to shuffle.

«Kira, stop it! Are you possessed by the devil? He’s married, stop it. Why do layouts on him?» – was beating in my head, but I could no longer stop. I wanted to know the truth.

– Cards, tell me, how does Leo see me?

With a slight movement of my hand, I pulled out three cards face down and turned them over. The High Priestess, the Nine of Wands, and the Queen of Swords were looking at me.

The High Priestess card apparently said that Leo saw or felt this cold, deep femininity and intuition in me first.

Only after several months had passed did I learn that the High Priestess card has long meant a lover.

Next to the priestess lay the Nine of Wands card. It depicted a long row of wands – and in the foreground stood a man, clutching another wand to himself. His head was bandaged, and fear was clearly written on his face. «Leo thinks that I am afraid of something. Or is he afraid of himself? Of me? Or of what might arise between us?»

Finally, the Queen of Swords. As befits the Knight of Swords, Leo communicated with me in a tense, businesslike manner. He saw in me the predominance of intelligence and determination. But this is only a part of me! I wanted other people, and especially Leo, to see in me my true archetype – the decisive and soulful Queen of Wands, the lady of fire.

– What is the most likely prospect for the development of our communication and joint work? – I asked the next question.

The cards gave me an answer from three major arcana: the High Priestess in blue robes looked at me piercingly again, to which the empress and strength were added.

Even then I knew that one of the interpretations of the priestess card is a secret love affair.

But the Empress card caused a subconscious rejection in me – this is the sunny, active, socially approved side of femininity. There is nothing bad in the Empress archetype itself, but it too clearly symbolized the legal wife and future mother, basking in the warm rays of the sun – she is accepted and loved by society. Together with her light hair, she reminded me of her – Christina, who recently looked at me with such anger in the dining room.

Yes, the legal wife, relatives and colleagues perceive her as a sunny person and a good match for Leo. But the first cracks of unhappiness have already appeared inside her – she senses trouble.

So, the cards of the Priestess and Empress, which have long denoted a mistress and a wife, lay eloquently next to each other. And I was still torn by doubts – should I go further and immerse myself in this story? But something beckoned and drew me in. The last card, Strength, depicted a girl in flowing white robes and a wreath in her fair hair, who with her graceful hands embraced the head of a lion and its gaping mouth with sharp fangs. A symbol of spiritual strength and fortitude, the ability to cope with destructive impulses.

Another – literal – meaning of this card was revealed to me later. It literally depicts our zodiac signs: the embrace of Virgo and Leo – that is what awaits us.

***

The intoxication of the twist of fate passed, and the previous string of everyday life returned – work, work, work. I made sketches for our project in parallel with many other tasks. Unfortunately, there was a lull on Lev’s part. I also did not get in touch on principle.

– So, how are you working with Lev? – my boss asked cautiously on my last day before my December study leave, sorting through documents on a table littered with stacks of papers.

– He doesn’t seem particularly eager to work on the project, – I frowned slightly.

– He said that you «keep him in good shape,» – she laughed.

– Yes, I made him read a book on psychology.

– She made him! As if he has time to read books! He’s very busy, – she frowned. – Oh well, he’s a responsible boy, he’ll read.

«What kind of boy is he? «He is ten years older than me,» I noted to myself in surprise. But he really was young in spirit, childish in character and slightly naive in some of his actions. Unfortunately, he did not take the project as seriously as I did, putting it aside for the sake of managing the lab. Alas, for him it was another useless task from the top management, and for me it was a thin thread between us.

«I didn’t exactly force you, I just recommended it,» I smiled modestly.

After which we hugged goodbye, and I went on study leave for three weeks.

The first session of the master’s program began – at the very university I wanted to enter initially and prepared for a long time, so I did not apply to other universities. A year ago, like many other university graduates, I faced the question – where to go to study for a master’s program? I chose a prestigious university in St. Petersburg, a popular specialty – advertising technologies in the business environment.

Raising various topics in the blog on psychology, I realized that people are maturing late now – until forty they are considered young, and it is not uncommon that at twenty-five they are only wondering what they want to do in life. Lack of attention to their own needs and desires, as well as an incredibly wide range of opportunities, options – all this gives rise to uncertainty in the choice of young people, conflicting desires to do several things at once, or puts them in front of a dilemma – the path of earning money or the path of doing something they love, which very rarely intersect. I was no exception and also faced this choice – I wanted a stable, well-fed, rich life. And I went to study at a prestigious university, still not betraying my passion for psychology.

The first session in the master’s program flew by quickly, the days from early morning until night were filled with studies. Snow was falling outside the window, softly dusting the ground. When I thought about moving to St. Petersburg a year ago, I was sure that the winters here were slush and mud. I was wrong. The winters here are no worse. It’s like I’m back in Siberia.

In the summer, I flew to St. Petersburg fully confident that it would accept me and that I would be happy here. Now I got a better look at this harsh city, and day after day, I felt some kind of resistance from it. Narrow streets, low houses, low skies, stuffy air were oppressive, and I was no longer sure whether I wanted to stay here for long.

St. Petersburg continued to grow: three hundred years ago, it was just a fortress on Hare Island and a small cluster of buildings, but year after year, its dark metastases stretched further and further, entangled in a network of roads. Along the central streets-veins of the city, narrow, dark, covered with a construction net so that pieces of plaster would not fall on the heads of passers-by, lines of cars stretched wearily. Nearby, on the narrow sidewalks paved with tiles, the townspeople crowded, and often had to stick out their elbows to pass – I simply did not know how to walk slowly. The blood flow, the flow of energy and life were too slow here. Northern Venice. This honorable name with a romantic flair justified itself: water, the wild flowing energy of life, was pacified, tamed, encased in hard granite here. And the heart of this city, called by Dostoevsky the most «abstract» and «deliberate», erected among the swamps by the power of one human will, was the Hermitage – «a hermit’s refuge». The city was built only three hundred years ago, but it seemed frozen like a museum. But museums are not meant for life, they are beautiful pictures, behind which there is nothing – and indeed, leaving the central routes of St. Petersburg, you find yourself in dirty dark courtyards, already touched by the sepsis of destruction. From above, this was disguised by an abundance of stucco and paint, and the great works of architecture – the Admiralty, the Hermitage, St. Isaac’s and Kazan Cathedrals – seemed like anachronisms, wearily looking at people trying to preserve their lives here. «St. Petersburg is for love,» screamed from all the souvenir shops, and sometimes I found it hard to breathe here.

One chilly December day, I stood on the Neva embankment, the bed of which was encased in granite, and looked at the dark gray water. It was not for nothing that I ended up in this city; my intuition told me that I needed to complete some task from my past life. I vaguely guessed that it was connected with Leo, that strangely familiar man who came to me in my dreams, and thoughts about whom kept me from falling asleep. But what should I do with him?

The session was coming to an end, and I was planning to return to work for a couple of days before the New Year. Suddenly, a message came from my boss: «Urgently write a test on the material of your module.» I frowned. As always, sudden urgent tasks that break the daily routine. Trying to calm down, I threw on a fur coat and went outside, into the frosty winter air. «Again, should I write to Lev first and ask about the project? Why doesn’t he contact me himself?» I thought, and a shadow of resentment flashed across my face as I typed a message to him with trembling, reddened from the cold fingers.

«I won’t have time to do the test before the end of the week. I’ve already warned your colleagues,» his answer was so irritating between the lines. I squeezed the phone and exhaled loudly, frowning. «Lev, I’m really sorry that I have to bother you. But these are not my inventions, I don’t have time to do anything myself, you shouldn’t take out your emotions on me,» I certainly won’t write this to him.

Our rare communication on business matters was moving further and further away from what I had foreseen and what I really wanted. These dry answers were not at all like mutual understanding and care, shared warm memories and silly jokes, tender and passionate kisses and sleepless nights spent together – which I involuntarily fantasized about before going to bed.

«I understand, I don’t have time either. Let me come back, meet and discuss at the beginning of the week?» I typed in response, slightly slowing down the boiling anger.

The meeting was scheduled for December 27 – on this day you can still discuss work issues, but on the following days the brain refuses to think about anything and is busy preparing for the holiday. And in my mind I was already in Moscow, celebrating the New Year with Kate and forgetting about the unfriendliness of St. Petersburg and the strange situation with Lev.

The day before, lying in bed, I again could not close my eyes, looking at the ceiling. An anxious thought was sitting in the back of my mind: very soon our project with Lev would end, and there would be no more chances for meetings. I felt that he and I really could and should inevitably become close, but does he really not have reciprocal thoughts? How many more consultations will we have? One, two, three? There was no time to waste – it was time to act. Something had to change.

…Without remembering myself, I softly slid into the realm of sleep. Making my way through the thick haze of fog, I came out into a small clearing. Turning around, I saw that it ended in a sharp cliff that fell into a bottomless black gorge, surrounded by high, harsh mountains. There was very little space in the clearing – it was as if I was balancing on the edge of common sense, keeping me from falling into the abyss.

Feeling someone’s presence, I turned my head and saw how Leo was approaching me from the fog. Here, in this small world, next to the deadly cliff, his presence felt different – as if a long-familiar, once close person had come to me. He gently took my hand, pulled me towards him and smiled, causing a warm light to spread throughout my body.

«What a beautiful white dress,» was all he said, and I looked at my hands, decorated with lacy snow-white sleeves.

I looked up at him… But then the alarm clock tore me out of my sleep with a sharp, nasty sound, reminding me that it was six in the morning and time to go to work. But, remembering that today was December 27, I instantly perked up, got out of bed and went to the closet. The dream told me what to do. A couple of days ago I received a package with a new set of jewelry and a blouse – white, elegant and light, with lace sleeves. It created a truly festive mood and added lightness to the image.

Having adjusted my fur coat and scarf in front of the mirror at the entrance to Lev’s laboratory department, I smiled broadly at myself, unable to hide the mischievous lights in my eyes. I am sure – from this day on everything will be different.

I really decided to do this! Now there is nowhere to retreat: I need to be soft, attractive, intriguing. Even if nothing comes of it today, it was worth at least trying.

Slowly entering Lev’s office, I sat down on a chair opposite him. And, despite our large difference in age and rank, I decided to take a risky maneuver – a quick rapprochement through an emphatically friendly tone. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to do this with other men, but Lev came to me so often in my dreams, and I felt so clearly that he was vaguely familiar to me, that I took this risk.

– So what? Let’s quickly deal with the task of composing the test today, and then we can rest in peace? – I smiled as gently as possible, looking into his eyes and encouraging him with a slight nod of my head.

Now I realized that he was really tired of the large amount of scientific work that I could not even understand, and I tried to show him with all my appearance that I understood his situation and did not want to burden him with additional tasks.

I slowly bent over a sheet of paper and began to sketch out ideas for the test for our project. But then the phone rang. He picked up the receiver and thoughtfully listened to the speaker, but his slightly confused gaze wandered over me, as if he could not decide to focus. Finally, he froze, looking into my eyes, and answered the caller something playfully, but his open and good-natured smile was clearly addressed to me. I caught his gaze and smiled back slightly playfully. When he hung up, I said softly:

– By the way, I wanted to ask. Have you had the opportunity to read the book on psychology that I recommended to you? At least briefly, selected chapters.

– Yes! So I read it in the evenings in full.

– Don’t you get tired after work?

– I do, usually I only have the strength to eat and sleep.

I tilted my head to the side, smiling sympathetically. I understood his fatigue perfectly well. And at the same time, his desire to responsibly approach a project that was completely unimportant to him inspired respect. I really wanted to hug him warmly and support him…

– I understand, I experienced the same thing during the session… It’s great that you found the opportunity to read the book, well done, – I softly lowered my eyelashes.

It was pleasant and valuable to realize that, despite his busy schedule and feigned discontent, he diligently read the book I had recommended to him in the evenings.

Lev glanced at me again, and after thinking for a couple of seconds, blurted out hastily:

– I read several chapters and do not quite agree with the authors. It seems to me that their model can be presented differently…

He leaned over the table and began to draw diagrams in my notebook, involuntarily glancing at me every now and then, and for several minutes we became engrossed in discussing his ideas. I was happy to see that he was showing a sincere interest in psychology, expressing his opinion, offering solutions. I was fired up by the independence and sharpness of his thinking.

– Returning to the test questions. I suggest that each of us throw in five questions for our blocks, – I turned the notebook with notes towards him. – But if you are busy, I can do your part, too, there is no problem with that.

His gaze softened. He grabbed my pen and started to underline something in my notes. I noticed how his hands started to tremble, how quiet and confused his voice became.

– Oh, come on, don’t. I’ll do my part myself. We have until tomorrow, right?

– Right, – I smiled.

My lower abdomen suddenly became warm and soft.

I looked up at him and suddenly felt how hot it became in my chest and lower abdomen. It was as if rays of hot light were coming from me to him and wrapping him like a cocoon, sitting opposite. My body trembled slightly, and my eyes were covered with a thin, damp film – I was not yet used to letting such strong energy pass through me.

Looking into those expressive brown eyes, which were now looking at me differently, not with coldness and irritation, but with interest and understanding, I felt a frantic heat. It was as if fate had sped up and was preparing to take another turn. I wished I could reach out and gently run my hand over his disheveled dark hair and his cheek, slightly prickly from stubble… I didn’t want to leave this cramped, bright office for the cold of winter and the bustle of my department. The world stopped, time stood still in these cramped white walls.

– By the way, how did you get to the congress in Adler? – I suddenly remembered his trip.

– Horrible! To hang around there for two days just to give a five-minute report! – he exclaimed.

– I understand, I went to Moscow to speak at Moscow State University in the same way as a student, – I wanted to show him that I understood from my own experience what he was talking about. – I noticed that the more pompous the name of the conference – like yours, the Congress of Young Scientists – the more it actually is…

– The more useless it is? – he smiled, finishing the sentence for me.

– Exactly!

– You know, they screwed up with my accommodation. I got distracted and checked in last. In the end, I got some old room with a Soviet interior. I go in, and there’s some strange guy sitting on the bed! I wish they’d put me in with some pretty girl! – he smiled slyly and laughed, and I laughed in response, happily feeling the ice begin to melt. – In the end, I rented a single room for myself. So, if, or rather, when, you go somewhere on a business trip from the company, keep a close eye on it so that this doesn’t happen.

– Oh, good, – I smiled broadly and felt my cheeks flush slightly.

I stumbled slightly from embarrassment and, looking away at the board covered with formulas and notes, continued:

– You know, I found myself in a similar situation. When I first flew to a conference in Moscow as a student, I wanted to save money and rented a place in a hostel for 350 rubles a day. Of course, it didn’t end well – I ran away after the very first night when a woman asked if I had been bitten by bedbugs during the night, – I laughed slightly nervously and bit my lip – either from excitement or from unpleasant memories.

– And I thought you were embarrassed by the contingent of people living there, – he leaned forward, looked me in the eyes and smiled.

– That too. And how did you go to Novosibirsk, to the opening of the program at the Polytechnic? – I suddenly remembered, feeling a kind of responsibility – how did the city of my student years, still close to my heart, receive this important guest?

Winter Novosibirsk is quite a challenge for inexperienced guests.

– My colleague’s… face is frozen! – he couldn’t hold back his laughter and covered his eyes with his hand. – And so… It’s a nice town. Polytechnic is an ordinary university, the equipment is old, but they are trying to do something.

– I’m glad you were pleased with the trips. Unfortunately, I have to go… The day after tomorrow I’m flying to Moscow, we will celebrate the New Year with a friend.