Intertwined Fates

Two hours flew by unnoticed. We enthusiastically talked with the master about life, while she skillfully twisted intricate curls on my curls and applied makeup, turning my face into a beautiful stage mask.

Finally, when the final touches were applied, I breathlessly approached the large mirror. A high elegant hairstyle, porcelain skin, warm brown eyes shaded by thick eyelashes and dark gray eyeliner – all this reminded of eternal femininity, fragile aristocracy of past eras. But in combination with a strict business suit of a delicate blue color, the image gave away a girl who, despite external and internal sophistication, is ready to actively declare herself, comprehend this world and… fight for what is dear. I smiled broadly.

It often happens that the more a person’s psyche is flooded with fears and insecurities, the more brilliant his external makeup and thicker his armor. I realized that I had just given a tenth of my salary on a soap bubble – a mask that would be washed off my face by the evening.

But I could not afford to misfire. Too much effort was invested in this project, too many people would evaluate it – about thirty pairs of eyes would be directed at us. An intelligent person is beautiful, a person who transmits knowledge is delightful, and if he or she is also beautiful in appearance, then this is a triumph. But I did not fully understand what I wanted: to achieve this triumph, to transmit knowledge beautifully and light up the eyes, or to simply protect my vulnerable ego from possible criticism. But I knew one thing for sure – I wanted to impress Leo. I clearly see the goal and concentratedly pull the bowstring so that out of all thirty people I would hit only one.

I paid the master and got into a taxi. I was met by deserted avenues, already illuminated by the cold winter sun, but not yet flooded with people. The yellow car carried me towards the long-awaited day, and inside the trepidation of impatience mixed with bright confidence that something important would happen. I smiled boldly and brightly at the new morning.

There was still an hour left before the start of the event, and I went into one of my favorite coffee shops. I had to eat my usual breakfast especially carefully so as not to smudge my makeup.

– How about going out for a beer after the show? We deserve it! – Leo sent me a message.

I almost jumped up on my chair and smiled widely. The fear left my body, giving way to bright joy.

– A tempting idea, go ahead, – I answered immediately.

Having finished my breakfast, I went outside and walked around the square to our venue. The white sun was reflected in the shiny bodies of cars rushing past tall, ornately decorated buildings – Petersburg was waking up. I carefully brushed the snowflakes off the curls framing my face.

And then I saw Leo from afar – he was walking in the opposite direction from where I needed to go. Slightly confused from excitement, I froze at the crossing, deciding not to cross the road and wait for him. He was approaching me, a little sleepy, in an old blue jacket, smoking, blowing a stream of smoke into the air. I froze in place and broke into a smile.

– Good morning! Where are you going? Our building is on the opposite side, – I tilted my head to the side with a smile.

He was clearly puzzled, meeting me with my festive makeup and hairdo. We were finally alone, without witnesses, and it was a happy coincidence that he went the wrong way right now, when I left the cafe.

– The navigator showed me that the place is here, – he shrugged his shoulders in confusion.

– Well, Leo, I was there yesterday, I know exactly where it is. Let’s go.

We stopped, waiting for the traffic light.

– Can you imagine, no one warned my colleague that today the start was later, he arrived and is already sitting there alone, – he laughed, and I laughed after him.

– Well, you see, no one took care of him, and you have me, – I said quietly, breathless from my own courage.

– So you didn’t take care of me either! – he exclaimed, and his voice dropped to a high note. – You could have warned me yesterday! I woke up early and was lying in bed, staring at my phone.

– Well, you could have asked me yourself yesterday. I don’t always like to text first, – I cheerfully parried the blow.

We crossed the road and found ourselves opposite yet another bakery, of which there are thousands scattered throughout St. Petersburg.

– In that case, we need to stop for coffee, – he threw at me in a tone that brooked no argument.

I was slightly surprised and followed him inside. The dim, warm light and the lack of customers created a special atmosphere in this place, and we lowered our voices slightly. I thoughtfully looked at the menu on the wall.

– I’ll have a double espresso, – he turned to me. – Will you have coffee?

– Me? – his question caught me off guard, and I blinked my eyelashes in confusion. – Of course, thank you! Cappuccino.

Warmth suddenly spread through my body. Perhaps this was just a gesture of politeness, but this bold and abrupt display of sympathy towards me was too unlike him. Leo’s offer was a pleasant surprise for me. I felt that he, usually a little awkward when it came to saying something nice, now expressed his affection and a bit of care with this gesture. In an attempt to distract Leo from seeing my deep blush, which showed through the thick mask of makeup, I started chatting about abstract topics and news related to our corporation. Laughing at another joke, we went outside, sipping coffee from identical red cups. And came face to face with the boss, who was coming out of the metro. With the one to whom I so rashly revealed my secret in the fall – my sympathy for Leo.

– Hi, – she said in surprise, looking at us. She was clearly puzzled why we were walking together from the opposite side of the metro, drinking the same coffee and chatting casually, considering that she had known my secret for a long time. – Are you already rehearsing?

– Well, something like that. I arrived early to get ready. It’s the second time in my life that I’m doing professional makeup, – I said, hinting at the importance of today for me.

– Kira is going to our wedding, – she laughed.

– Well, no, – as always, I said embarrassedly, smoothing over the edges of the acute topic. – I just wanted to hide my corpse-like appearance, nothing more.

– Why do you look corpse-like? Are you pregnant? Do you feel sick at night? – Leo interjected in his Knight of Swords style.

We emerged from the underpass onto the street. I was a little hurt by his joke – it seemed he wasn’t taking me seriously and was allowing for the possibility that I was already in a relationship and could even be pregnant. Oh, if only he knew…

– Oh, no. The only thing I can give birth to now is projects, – I snapped, looking away. Perhaps a little more sharply than I wanted.

– You see, – the boss raised her index finger meaningfully. – A careerist!

That’s it. People continued to see me as a lady of fire, a Queen of Wands – an archetype of a businesswoman who is only interested in her projects, and puts independence and self-sufficiency first, while relationships are somewhere in the background. «Too interested in her career,» «too much male energy,» «the type of women who are frantically building a career until they’re thirty» – I often heard such comments about myself, although I didn’t try to create such an impression. They didn’t even know that inside there actually lived a tender, vulnerable and devoted soul, who was really waiting for her other half. I built a career and studied a lot, because I was truly interested in this world, there was a fire burning inside me that I wanted to convey to many people – but also make a cozy hearth out of it that would warm my chosen one. I wanted to be a business Queen of Wands for everyone and a sensual Queen of Cups for only one.

– Not true. It’s just that there is a time for everything, – I nodded conciliatorily, looking at Leo and addressing these words to him.

– It will come, and you will love children, – Leo said with softness in his voice.

I turned around and took a sip of the coffee he bought. He loves children, and I always saw myself next to exactly such a man, but, alas, his eyes are now joyfully shining in anticipation of a child from another woman.

Stop. I took a deep breath. I must not let this pain into my heart. Ahead is a special, long-awaited day!

We approached an old cast-iron door, painted burgundy. The boss came up to me, trying to figure out how to open it.

«Tell me later how much I should tip you for the book,» Leo leaned toward me.

A couple of days ago, at the final meeting for the upcoming event, I announced that I had bought a book and would like to present it to the most active participant in our training. Turning to Leo in a businesslike manner, I perhaps told him too loudly to chip in for it. A wave of laughter swept through the room, and I blushed to my ears.

«Kira, how mercenary you are!» Eva Schwein scolded me with a smile, but I saw approval in her eyes.

I answered sheepishly that I was joking and, since it was my initiative, there was no need to chip in. At that moment, I really felt ashamed. Now, after his words, my gaze was covered with tenderness. – Oh, Leo, don’t bother, – I smiled charmingly and, as if under the influence of a magnet, leaned closer to him and patted his shoulder. – Just buy me a beer later, and that’s the end of it.

The boss turned around, her gaze lingered on us, standing too close, on my hand lying on his shoulder. Trying to hide her surprise, she asked:

– Does anyone know how to open this door?

We pulled the handle, and the door gave in. Leo and I left our things in the cloakroom (he gave me a hanger with a confident, gallant gesture) and crossed the spacious round hall, demonstratively sitting down next to each other.

– You are so dressed up today, and we are so ordinary today, – one of the employees leaned towards us and said cheerfully.

I looked Leo over. Today he was wearing a carefully ironed white shirt, a stylish blue jacket and jeans. «I love men in suits,» I noted with a smile. My sympathy for him grew stronger with each passing minute. Leo turned and looked at me carefully, as if he was seeing me for the first time, re-evaluating me. I appeared before him in full dress for the first time. Or was it not the makeup and hair? Intercepting his attentive gaze, I shuddered and leaned slightly closer to him.

– I’m so excited about today, we’ll finally get to perform, – I shifted on the hard wooden chair, turned away and looked out the window at the long row of light-colored houses in the shade of palm trees. Then I leaned even closer to Leo and, lowering my voice, continued. – And in the evening we’ll celebrate this event and… my upcoming promotion!

– What position are you being transferred to? – he asked in surprise.

– They promised to be a leading marketing manager. Just shh, don’t tell anyone, it’s only for trusted people, – I winked at him.

– Ooooh, – he broke into a smile, flattered by the openly expressed trust. – Then great!

– Yes, I’m happy too. True, I don’t know how much longer I’ll work here. I want to go to Moscow, – I blurted out with unexpected confidence for myself, remembering how I felt a surge of energy on my last trip there. – It’s probably blasphemous to talk about its magnificence while looking out the window at the beautiful architecture of St. Petersburg?

– Not at all. I don’t like Moscow, it’s too noisy there. I’ve lived in St. Petersburg since birth and I love this city. Sometimes I go to Petrogradka on business, it’s a pleasant nostalgia, I used to teach there at the university.

We chatted a little more and fell silent, listening to the presenter. Half of the first lecture was over, and the participants split into teams, completing the task. We, the speakers, remained in our seats, left to our own devices, and huddled together.

– We need to pour some tea, – Leo stretched, turned and looked at me. Tenderness flashed in his gaze – he dared to show it, asking patronizingly. – Should I bring you some tea?

I nodded contentedly, he returned from the common table with two glasses and sat down next to me again. A colleague standing next to us glanced at us and said with deliberate innocence:

– Leo, you participate in everything here. How does your wife even let you go? Do you only come home to sleep or something?

– Well, yeah! What? – Leo smiled broadly and laughed.

I grinned slyly and looked up at my colleague, Nikita. Our eyes met. At the last meeting, where I blurted out an inappropriate mention of a book, he, looking at Leo and me sitting next to each other, suddenly brought up the topic of cheating and mistresses. The members of the meeting immediately picked it up, and the air was filled with general merriment and jokes – instead of adults, their inner children were sitting at the table, giggling at the opportunity to discuss a forbidden, sensitive topic. Their glances kept returning to us. I laughed boldly along with everyone else – I was flattered by the thought that Leo and I were causing them such associations, because we were not, in fact, lovers. Today the situation repeated itself. Perhaps, when we were close, we had already seen each other and felt like one whole, and the force of attraction between us was obvious to everyone?

Then the conversation of my colleagues turned to a professional channel. I loved being around smart people, with a sparkle in their eyes discussing their work, and I tried to understand their scientific lexicon, but so far I was not doing well.

– Well, in general, our programs are not something new! We simply modernize existing solutions and resell them, – concluded Nikita.

– And how ethical is it to sell such a program under the guise of a new one? – I cut into the conversation, catching a familiar wave about ethics.

– If you correctly present the benefits to the user, then it is ethical. You know about the placebo effect, right?

– I know, – I nodded. – People are cured of dummies by faith in their effectiveness. Self-hypnosis.

– Exactly. And in this case, faith in the best outcome plays a role – when you launch the result of long work, only this remains.

«Maybe Leo’s openness to me today is also self-hypnosis?» flashed through my head. I glanced at him again, sitting next to me, and felt some vague changes in him. «No, today he clearly behaves differently. It doesn’t seem to me.»

Leo and a couple of other employees continued discussing programming, going into the wilds of scientific terms. Standing up to stretch, I slowly walked around the room, looking at the hard-working groups of participants. Nikita and another employee, Nina, a young girl like me, with a sly look, with whom I sometimes crossed paths in the workshops and politely smiled, slowly approached me.

– And why are you dressed up like that today? – She asked ingratiatingly.

I was confused. Once a friend from my department relayed a conversation between her and Nina, during which I learned that she also liked Leo, and if it weren’t for her fiancé, she wouldn’t have restrained herself. Now I could clearly see it in her behavior – when we were alone with her and Leo, she would start flirting with him, and her movements would become emphatically languid. But, to my inner glee, he always showed that he preferred me, and she would briefly retreat into the shadows, slightly pursing her lips in annoyance. What was this – a desire to hurt him no matter what?

– Well… Today is the performance, – I shrugged, unable to come up with anything more intelligible.

– Here? – Nina grinned, crossing her arms and looking down at me.

«What are you getting into? Not only is Leo married, but you’re engaged yourself,» I frowned and clenched my jaw. «You’ve been working with him longer than I have, and if he was interested in you, he would have shown it. You should just envy me silently.»

«Here,» I said, nodding with satisfaction and not making any excuses.

She turned to her colleague and asked pointedly sarcastically:

«Nikita, why aren’t you dressed up today then?»

«He doesn’t need to, he’s always handsome anyway,» I got ahead of her maneuver and stretched my lips into a playful smile.

«Oh! Thank you! It’s nice to get a compliment from such a girl!» Nikita blurted out in surprise, smiling sincerely at me.

I bowed playfully and returned to my seat, next to Leo. The lecture began again. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him move slightly closer to me. Suddenly, I felt him take my forearm and gently pull me towards him. He leaned down to my ear and whispered a dirty joke, and I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle from both of us. I looked up and saw my boss staring at me, but I couldn’t quite place what she was looking at. I looked down and noticed how Leo had been fidgeting with the ring on his finger since the event began, as if it had been bothering him, like an annoying inconvenience that he had to put up with, and he wanted to get rid of it. «He doesn’t like being married. At least not yet,» I noted to myself.

«Where are you going for lunch?» he whispered in my ear.

«I don’t know yet, why?»

«Let’s go somewhere? I’ll show you.» They serve good shawarma there, – he added in a whisper, and I nodded eagerly, wanting to prolong the minutes next to him.

It was time for lunch. In front of the employees, we stood up and left the room together, taking a colleague from his department with us. We were crossing the street filled with cars and people, when suddenly my phone rang.

– Where are you? – the boss’s voice sounded – without emotion, which did not bode well, but I was so excited that I did not pay attention to it.

– We went to eat shawarma, we will be back on time, – I answered emphatically calmly and hung up.

– What, surveillance? – Leo laughed.

– Yeah, – I nodded.

The weather had cleared up, the winter sun was shining brightly. Joyful excitement was in the air. I put the phone down and confidently walked forward, when suddenly I felt someone put an arm around my shoulders, stopped me and turned me in the other direction.

– Where are you going? We’re going there, – Leo blurted out, as if slightly embarrassed.

I nodded happily, and we continued on our way. This sudden touch became another bright puzzle in my picture, which I had been patiently assembling since the summer. Having reached the place, we sat down at a table. Leo and his colleague ate shawarma with appetite, but I was so nervous before the performance that I couldn’t eat a single bite, so I limited myself to tea.

– A new aggregate state of shawarma, – I joked and shrugged, nodding at the glass teapot with green liquid.

Smoothly our conversation flowed into the mainstream of psychology and philosophy, in which I was like a fish in water.

– …Schopenhauer and Nietzsche are probably good, some of my favorite philosophers. I like their views, – I concluded, pouring myself some tea.

– Yes, Schopenhauer is great! – Leo’s colleague nodded eagerly.

– And what about Baudrillard? – Leo turned to me with interest and a slight challenge, clearly not expecting that I knew this philosopher.

– Baudrillard? – I asked in surprise, hearing the familiar name. Warm memories of the last months of university appeared before my inner eye. – I wrote my thesis based on his works. A very interesting author. But I can’t agree with him completely.

– And why is that?

A spark of interest and excitement lit up his eyes, and my gaze shone in response – I felt myself on a familiar wave. How long had it been since I could talk to anyone about philosophy, which I had been interested in since school and to this day! Talk to someone very smart and erudite. We involuntarily leaned towards each other, finding a new, unexpected point of contact. The conversation about philosophy began to resemble a blood-stirring conversation between lovers overcome by passion.

– Baudrillard talks about the consumption of signs of prestige in modern society. Like, this is an empty outer wrapper, and there is no meaning behind these signs. People buy things again and again, not because they need them, but because they are signs of something valuable.

– Isn’t that so?

– From my point of view, not quite so, – I glanced at my few interlocutors and from one favorite wave, philosophy, jumped to another, psychology. – I believe that nothing exists just like that, not even an empty sign that shouldn’t exist. If people buy these signs of prestige, it means that it covers their real psychological needs, – I noted how completely absorbed he was in my train of thought. – For example, the need for acceptance and recognition. There is a risk that you may not be accepted without belonging to a certain level of life, or if you don’t follow everyone, if you are different. Without a new phone or branded things. This is the ancient fear of being an outcast. This is not at all about people consuming empty signs of prestige just because someone told them to… Perhaps I’m wrong. And once again – if a person does something, it means that it’s not just like that, it means that he needs it.

As I said the last words, I seemed to be looking into the water – if our relationship went further, I didn’t want to be a meaningless empty shell in his life. I wanted to mean something. To be needed. And not to hear hurtful excuses behind my back – «There’s nothing between us» or «It’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything.»

Leo looked at me attentively for a few seconds, thinking about what I had said, and then nodded briefly:

– I agree with you.

I beamed. It was very pleasant to talk about a familiar and interesting topic with an understanding interlocutor – this discussion was like a sip of living water. Usually, I lazily parried blows in an intellectual duel with anyone, but now it was different. I wanted to show myself to Leo as a woman with a lively mind and independent judgment – everything that I valued in him. During this short conversation, I felt that we saw in each other an equal and common interests.

– I’m really nervous before the performance, – I glanced at my watch when we went outside and headed back. My pulse on the watch was over 110.

– Well, don’t worry!

– Thanks, Leo, how could I not have guessed myself, – I laughed and turned to him, looking at his clean-shaven face in the bright light of the winter sun. – Are you nervous?

– Me? No, I’m never nervous. You’re the star today, you know the topic better than me, and I just came to eat shawarma.

– Well, that’s not true, your part is very important, – I jokingly fought back.

We returned to the hall, and several pairs of surprised eyes stared at us. We calmly walked to our seats, continuing to smile at each other.

– Kira, Leo, are you ready? How are you feeling? – the boss came up to us ten minutes before the performance. – Yes, everything is fine, – I shrugged and smiled routinely.

My pulse stubbornly balanced between 110 and 120, revealing the extreme degree of excitement before the first lecture in my life, which we had been preparing for so long.

– Kira, I’ll have a smoke now and come back, okay? I’ll be quick, don’t worry, – Leo patted me on the shoulder, and I nodded with understanding. He left the hall, accompanied by a puzzled look from his boss.

Finally, our time had come.

– And now I want to give the floor to the speakers of our final module – Kira and Lev! – the host announced.

We stood up and walked to the center of the hall to loud applause. I looked around the audience with joyful anticipation, and they returned our glances, full of interest. Eva Schwein taught me that I should use my own energy to draw out the entire learning process of others, to capture their attention. I am only at the beginning of the journey, but next to me is my experienced mentor, Leo, whom I admire endlessly.

Our rehearsed and polished speech flowed easily. I glanced at my watch and saw that as soon as we left the agonizing wait and got down to business, my pulse dropped to 80. I felt myself on the same wavelength with all the seated spectators. Despite their fatigue, we managed to spark their interest, and they actively joined in our questions and exercises.