Intertwined Fates

«Maybe we should start playing?» I suggested to my colleagues.

Today I learned something very important for myself.

I have never spoken to Eva Schwein in my life – but maybe she will help me one day?

***

The alarm clock easily pulled me out of my sleep. I opened my eyes and smiled – 5 am. A cloudless sky and a new day were being born outside the window. By this time, the heat and hunger that came to me at night when I had visions of Leo had become quite noticeable – something was gnawing and burning me from the inside, not letting me fall asleep, literally forcing me to take some step… but what?

Today, however, I slept soundly, and now my soul was ringing with lightness – from the knowledge that something important was about to happen on this warm September day. Besides, today is my birthday! I began to get ready, enthusiastically fluttering around my small, stylishly furnished light studio. Half an hour later, I exhaled contentedly and went to the mirror.

An elegant girl looked at me with glowing hazel eyes from under thick eyelashes. I tucked a light wavy lock of hair, still hot from the curling iron, behind my ear, put on hairpins and picked up the bags with cakes and wine standing in the hallway. Might as well dress up – a birthday only happens once a year!

A picture flashed through my head – me, a fragile girl in high heels, standing near the checkpoint with bags, and then Lev appears, and, like a true gentleman (which I had no doubt about!), gallantly offers to help me carry them to the office. «It’s 7.20 now, by the time we get there it will be 7.45, and at this time he’s just smoking near the checkpoint before work. He can’t help but smoke. And, like a true gentleman, he can’t help but offer his help to me – especially since there’s already a special connection between us, I saw it then, in his eyes… So, it’s decided,» I thought, gripped by fever and only vaguely aware of the naivety of my assumptions.

I jumped into a Mercedes of a colleague who agreed to give me a ride to work on this holiday, and we set off. I was shaking from an exciting premonition of something important, and a strange hunger could no longer remain a secret hidden in the basement of the subconscious, coming at night and forcing me to experience these visions. It pushed me to take action with all its might. I smiled at my reflection in the side mirror of the black Mercedes. Today I look great, today is my day, my holiday, and I trust my colleagues enough, although I have not worked in the corporation for very long… This will be the right decision – it’s time to act.

– Angela, I have a purely female question for you… Will you help?

Angela squeezed the steering wheel in surprise and smiled. She was not one of those who easily immersed themselves in conversations about relationships and gossip, she felt confident on the sidelines of these topics, touching only on the necessary ones. – Mommy, I’m scared. Come on!

– Remember, you once asked me if I liked Lev… Okay, you figured me out, – I smiled sheepishly, but since I had already started talking, I had to finish the question. My throat went dry. – You said it so confidently. Do you know this man? Can you tell me anything about him?

– I don’t know much, – she answered without a hint of a smile or mockery of the young girl’s feelings, – very smart, gallant. If I were to interact with him, then through joint scientific projects.

– Alas, he is married, – I blurted out, remembering the ring I had seen on him and secretly hoping that I was wrong and that he wore the ring for some other reason.

It seemed to me that Angela worked longer than me, so she should know everything about everyone, and she would definitely tell me that I was wrong.

– Yes? I didn’t know. It often happens that such people don’t stay alone.

I dropped my shoulders. It was as if a heavy stone slab had fallen on my chest again. But inside, in my solar plexus, there was still either a premonition or knowledge that everything was just beginning, despite my restless thoughts that Lev and I getting closer would be something wrong. I smiled. In the small towns where I lived all my adult life, relationships with married men were not exactly taboo, but no one talked about it openly.

– It’s your choice, and you know what you’re getting into, – she continued calmly after a few minutes of silence. – I was in such a relationship myself. Eight years… He didn’t tell me anything. I accidentally found out that he had a wife and two children, but it was too late. Now he’s gone, – she continued too calmly and dryly.

I looked at her. How much time and effort did she have to spend to recover from this episode of her youth? And did she recover completely?

– Yes, you’re right. But how did it happen to you? – I switched my attention to her story and redirected the conversation. I wanted to know more about the person I work side by side with.

Her words surprised me. I remembered the words of my boss a couple of months ago: «Here, in our „temple of science“, such passions boil… Here, families break up!» These words then became for me like a trigger, slightly loosening the shackles of my doubts. Apparently, the attitude towards love triangles and adultery was calmer here. There was no condemnation, fear or gossip when this topic was brought up in conversations.

We drove onto a sandy road and drove up to the security point. I looked at the smoking room from afar, secretly worried that we might not meet in time and my calculations would have misfired. But no, he was standing in his old but elegant gray coat, smoking, smiling and chatting with colleagues about something. His face was still adorned with his unchanging light stubble, complementing his image of a scientist completely captivated by some idea.

Once again, I could not take my eyes off him, which seemed heavy from the outside, and, without looking away, I looked at him from behind the car window. He could not help but feel it and turned his head towards me, looking into my eyes – we locked eyes for a few seconds, a little longer than expected, continuing to play our strange silent game. I noticed shades of fatigue and bewilderment in his eyes. How long would we cast glances at each other, and who would make the first move?

The car stopped at the checkpoint. He headed for the entrance, but froze, watching our car. I opened the door, elegantly sticking out my foot – the stiletto fearlessly stepped onto the dirt-covered road. I walked around the car in a businesslike manner, took out two bags of treats and headed for the entrance – all this time he stood and stared at me. We exchanged nods. «Come on, offer the lady a hand,» I thought with slight displeasure, because this was happening at odds with my morning script in my head.

I continued to smile broadly and with a graceful movement of my wrist lifted the heavy bag to offer my wrist to the guard to take my temperature.

– Happy birthday, I presume? – the guard asked cheerfully.

– Yes sir, – I smiled.

– In that case, congratulations and all the best!

I thanked him warmly, paused for a moment – after all, I expected to hear congratulations from behind my back, but to no avail – and went into the hall of the checkpoint. Feeling that he was following me, I stepped aside, feigned fatigue, put the bags on the floor and caught my breath – as luck would have it, bottles of wine hit the floor with a loud, characteristic sound.

– A bust! – I heard a cheerful, slightly hoarse voice behind me.

Turning around, I saw Lev looking at me, leaning over the bags, and smiling from ear to ear. I was embarrassed, and he silently turned away from me.

His sudden remark made everything inside me boil – he had been looking at me silently for weeks, didn’t know how to start a conversation, and now it happened, he found a reason to talk to me! Even if it wasn’t the way I imagined him.

I calmly picked up the bags and walked through the turnstile, demonstratively stopping at the door and putting them on the floor: I’ll wait for Angela, but I still won’t deprive you, Lev Alexandrovich, of the chance to help me carry the bags, so be it.

I stood there, quietly tapping my heel on the floor tiles, and watched as he approached the post to take the keys to the office and make an entry in the journal. Two forces were fighting inside me: that same hunger that keeps me awake at night. And the voice that was now frantically whispering to me. He said: «Something needs to be done, something needs to be done, the ice has started to melt, you can’t just stand there silently!» There was also human common sense, which didn’t allow me to break the silence and couldn’t find an explanation for it.

A lump rose in my throat – I desperately wanted to continue the dialogue, but he didn’t say anything himself and still didn’t offer his help, so I continued to stand there in confusion and wait for the weather to change.

– What’s your name? Have you already taken the keys? – the security guard sitting at the post asked me, catching my gaze over Lev’s slightly shaggy head.

I perked up.

– My name is Kira, the marketing department. Yes, I gave it to him yesterday.

I pronounced my name syllable by syllable, trying to make it sound a little louder than usual – just loud enough for Lev to hear and understand the name of this mysterious girl with whom he was exchanging glances. He took the keys, turned around, froze for a moment in confusion, looking at me, and hurried away. I sighed in disappointment, barely audibly. «He didn’t behave like a gentleman, of course,» I stated, and then another colleague picked up my bags and carried them to the office. I smiled gratefully and trudged after him.

In the office, my colleagues were waiting for me with joyful cries and hugs – smartly dressed, cheerful, young girls who handed me a bouquet of my favorite fiery orange roses. We began to busily set the table, prepare snacks from the products we had brought. When this was finished, I poured red wine into plastic cups, and we stood in a tight circle.

Less than three months had passed since my move to St. Petersburg, and I realized that, apart from my colleagues, I essentially had no one here. I glanced at the girls, their eyes shining with joy: they vied with each other to wish me all the blessings that a girl who had recently crossed the threshold of twenty years could need. The boss, a smiling woman with a thick shock of red hair, raised a toast:

– I wish you to find true female happiness!

Many in our company were aware that a young and lonely girl had come to visit them. As usual, this did not go unnoticed, given the genuine interest in someone else’s personal life, which was considered the norm here, but repulsed me. Against my will, «matchmaking» seriously became an interesting activity for my colleagues.

I indulgently smiled at these attempts to joke. My «one-room» heart was already taken. Lev unceremoniously registered there, who today did not think to help me carry the bags.

If everyone around me is so concerned about the status of my personal life and thinks they can judge what is going on in my soul, who and why I might be interested in, I will play along. I will lay my cards on the table a little and introduce new variables into this game.

By this time, the alcohol had already soaked into my blood and hit my head, painting a wide smile on my face, energy and a premonition that something was supposed to happen today were still raging inside. And a strange attraction to Leo did not let me sit still. It was decided – we will act further. I playfully adjusted my curly locks, turning to the boss, who wished me female happiness:

– And I already have a candidate. Do you mind if I consult with you?

Her face showed genuine surprise – she did not expect this answer, and we agreed to discuss this issue later. By that time, we had established mutual sympathy and trust.

Meanwhile, a carefully cut cake was brought from the next room. I leaned over the candle in the shape of the number 22 and prepared to blow it out, making a wish. What could I spend my only whim of the year on? On this day, the Universe will definitely hear me.

So be it, I will swing at a crazy dream, I will try to pluck from the sky a distant star, shimmering with a cold light. In any case, I have nothing to lose. I plunged into the relentlessly haunting premonition that my paths with Leo would soon converge by the will of fate. I felt how a feeling of strength was born in the solar plexus and how my body was filled with a strange warmth, causing tingling in the fingertips. A mischievous spark flashed in my eyes.

«I want Leo to confess his love to me!» I mentally sent a wish to the Universe, putting all my energy into it, and blew out the candle. This wish seemed completely strange and impossible to fulfill. Why on earth would a married head of a software development department and an authoritative scientist confess his love to a girl who is ten years younger than him, who recently flew to St. Petersburg and has nothing to her name yet?

So, on my birthday, I really did wish for the love of this unfamiliar and at the same time seemingly long-familiar man. I smiled – I felt that the Universe heard me. It was easy – after all, I did not expect it to come true, but immediately let go of the situation, resigned to the unreality of the wish. The Universe does not like when something is expected and demanded of it.

A passionate and strong desire gives birth to its shadow in the soul of a person – the fear that nothing will work out. Desire and fear fight and simultaneously extinguish each other’s energy – therefore, the Universe does not receive a clear signal to fulfill the cherished dream. I put all my energy into a single desire and let it go without fear and expectations. And I will be pleasantly surprised if it comes true in strange and unknown ways for me.

– What did you want to ask me about? – the boss came up to me after we finished the festive meal, gradually began to clean up and return to work.

I went to a secluded corner in the already deserted hall of the administration and hesitated for a moment, clasping my hands tightly from excitement. Is it possible to share such things with the boss?

– I wanted to ask you about one person, – I exhaled and blurted out: – I like Lev Alexandrovich.

She looked at me again in surprise. Of course, I already understood that, despite Lev’s authority as a scientist, he could communicate with many from the position of a confused and detached person, creating the impression of a mad genius, not of this world.

Tarot cards and heightened intuition have already allowed me to understand his character. Leo loved to shock people, to provoke their emotions with crude jokes, to tear off their masks, to find their sore spots and to tease them deliberately. In work matters, in the realm of intellect, he felt free and confident, indiscriminately throwing himself into intellectual duels, quickly thinking and cutting the Gordian knots of complex problems on the go – a real Knight of Swords. But in real life, he often retreated in confusion, like today. He hastily put on his masks, which he had recently tried to remove from others. And I felt how much he missed the Queen of Wands for the pair dance – a bright personality, confidently looking forward and dashingly maneuvering between human passions and intrigues. Such a woman looks into the very essence of a person’s soul, bypassing all masks and images. Maybe that’s why I immediately saw behind this «strange scientist» a whole and honest person, a pure, bright and familiar soul, ready to flare up with the fire of mutual interest and love. But he will hide this fact for a long time behind indifference or jokes, sometimes rude, and only the wise gaze of the Queen of Wands into the very heart of the Knight of Swords will not allow them both to go astray.

– Kira, he’s married! – the boss frowned, abruptly tearing me out of my romantic dreams.

She turned to the window – as soon as I mentioned Lev, he walked past us on the other side, down the street, as always, carrying some documents and happily waving his hand at us. I smiled back, and a wave of warmth flooded my heart. She continued:

– He’s married to one of the employees, Christina… You know, it’s much more difficult to take away a married man, think about it.

I had already bowed my head, preparing to shamefully confess my sympathy for a married man and promise to refuse to think about him, but her words left me stunned.

So, after all, there is hope?.. And yet – how can I think about such a thing?

– Oh, I see… It’s a pity, – I tried to portray sincere surprise and disappointment at this news, as if I was hearing it for the first time. Now the hope that the ring on the ring finger was just an ornament, a tribute to fashion or a symbol of something else had definitely disappeared. I took a deep breath and quickly put on a polite smile.

– Thank you for the conversation. Then it’s time to get back to work.

I returned to my desk and immersed myself in work. I had a difficult task ahead of me – to find TV channels where top management representatives could give a speech about the importance of developing a new generation of programs. And to prepare a press release.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea, in my opinion, sparkled in my head. The development directly concerned a new project for the development of software for safe industrial production in Russia, and no one could give me more valuable advice on the search than Lev. I could not hold back a joyful smile – a little more, and I would have shouted: «Eureka!»

Our story, no matter how you twist it, should begin today – it has already begun with a comment at the security post. And now I will take my step forward, marking our communication with a business start – together we will discuss the strategy of the presentation, which I can offer to the channels.

I am so beautiful today, the wine is so intoxicating, my table is decorated with lush bouquets – how can luck not smile on me on this day?

With my heart sinking from excitement, I sent Lev a letter asking for help to put together a short program of the presentation about a new type of software for motorists, minimized the window with work mail and was distracted to pour myself a coffee. However, I did not receive an answer – not in five minutes, not in an hour. Not the next day. The treasured letter did not arrive even after a week.

I was dejected. Then came blind anger and resentment – why is he not answering my letter? This is an important work issue! And how can he ignore me so easily after I made up my mind and, despite my fear, took a bold first step towards him, after our glances? I came home, collapsed exhausted on the bed and wiped away a tear. The visions and the heat still came, but they had lost their power for a while, so I could sleep peacefully at night.

«He decided not to even answer the letter or pay attention to me,» I whispered into the empty room, but then pulled myself up, forcing myself to stop crying. «It’s probably for the best. I don’t need problems at work because of him…» The picture of puzzles, random moments and glances that I had been carefully collecting for these months was at risk of being unfinished and pushed to the attic. «It’s all nonsense, Kira, leave your idea. It won’t lead to anything, he already has a wife. You’re late,» I wearily asked myself and, closing my eyes, immediately fell into the darkness. Today, for the first time in several months, the strange heat receded, and my sleep was calm and deep.

Chapter 3. A Twist of Fate

It was sultry from blazing lightAnd his every glance – like a flame.I only started: that is right.Me – only this one can tame.He bent, – in a casual, low tone…The blood sharply left my hot face.Let love stop – like a tombstone —My life’s even, measured pace.– Akhmatova. Turmoil. 19133

I threw on a terry robe, ran my hand through my heavy wet hair, took a cup of coffee and a sandwich in my hand, and walked out of the house onto the porch, decorated with cut tree trunks. I was greeted by the calm morning silence and fresh air, literally oozing with moisture. A spacious pale green meadow stretched out before my eyes, and in the distance the horizon was outlined by an even row of dark emerald, almost black pines. I went down, and the colorless grass licked my wet feet with cold dew. The first sip of coffee – and I dissolved in the morning silence of the northern Karelian nature, occasionally cut through by the cries of some bird. This enchanting picture was hidden from others, no people drove here. I ran away here for the weekend, far from the big city, to forget for a while and be alone. It was mid-October outside. A month and a half had passed since I tried to establish contact with Lev, the man from my dreams, and got unpleasantly burned when I didn’t receive a response to my letter either the next day or the week after.

«This is all stupid. It’s time to leave this idea and move on,» I told myself, but an unresolved question hung in my soul, a persistent feeling that the story was just beginning. But I tried to escape from my feelings. Today, in a spacious wooden house rented for the weekend, I slept especially well. I hadn’t thought about this before – it was boring to go somewhere alone for the weekend, but now, headlong, I tried to escape from my feelings and disappointment in Lev.

Maybe he’s not so wonderful?

***

The enchanting northern nature of Karelia was left far behind, and the workday routine inevitably pulled us into its flow. In the closed area in the center of St. Petersburg, behind a high fence with barbed wire, an interesting life was in full swing – and often our marketing department organized interesting events together with the HR department.

In these days of late autumn, I met her face to face for the first time – our boss from top management, Eva Schwein. Many were afraid of her – her mood and character, changeable like water, powerful and scorching like fire, hard as steel. But in me it aroused sympathy and sometimes admiration – at first glance it was clear that you can learn a lot from her, and we both put common sense above momentary likes and dislikes.

In these cold October days, there was a discussion about the launch of a new project – a series of trainings for employees. It immediately piqued my interest – after all, it was mostly psychology, in which I had a bachelor’s degree, and I continued to deepen my knowledge to this day. But since my work experience was close to zero, I was sure that participation in this project would pass me by, and I would calmly continue to sit in my corner and gain wisdom and wisdom after the internship was over. For example, writing drafts of content plans or advertising posts for our company’s social networks. Tuesday came, and Eva Schwein called the entire department, six of us, into her office. From the excited tone of my colleagues, I realized that this was hardly a good omen. We silently climbed the snow-white staircase, finished to look like marble, and the sweetish-sterile smell of cleaning products, which were used to polish the corridors of the administration until they shined, hit our noses. Having entered the office and closed the heavy door behind us, we sat down around a long table. Dozens of honorary diplomas, letters of thanks, and a retro-style map of Chile, where our corporation’s subsidiary was located, looked down at us from the walls. I involuntarily sank into my chair.

– Why are you so pale? – a colleague whispered barely audibly in my ear.

I shook my head and blinked slowly. The world, narrowed to the size of the office, swam slightly before my eyes. Perhaps now there will be questions that I do not yet understand and cannot fully answer. And ignorance is no excuse, right?

– Well, tell me, what have you done for our project? – Eva Schwein asked in a calm voice that did not bode well.