Intertwined Fates

Although, was it worth it to allow such thoughts and let them settle in my head? After all, the sparkling ring on my finger left little doubt. It was strange why, when I thought that I was late and we had not met earlier, when he was free, I felt as if my chest was being squeezed by a heavy stone slab. But what was the point of hiding my feelings from myself?

I had a presentiment that we were drawn to each other in spite of everything. But what would come of it? However, it was too early to talk about it. There was a lot of time ahead. A new city, a new place of work and even the inevitable feeling of falling in love… All this inspired and lit up the lights in my eyes. I wanted to start living differently, to become better, purer in my thoughts. I wanted to share my light.

One hot summer day, I decided to practice managing energy, which I had partially succeeded in doing before. The day began with me riding the bus on a stuffy morning, gliding my gaze over the greenery floating by and tuning into the energy of a positive attitude towards life. I wanted to show the world light and love – to other people, to work, to this new city for me.

If in the morning I managed to enter a state of love and joy, then at work Leo immediately appeared in my field of vision, every now and then making me shudder with his appearance. I just silently smiled at myself and this pattern, which could not be a simple coincidence.

«This is a good sign,» I thought. But I didn’t understand what to do with him next.

On one of those sunny days, I was standing in the hall of the checkpoint, shifting from foot to foot and waiting for them to write me a new pass. I knew that Lev went out there every now and then for a smoke break, and I would be glad to see him this morning. And this time, when I was training to control the energy of joy, he instantly appeared next to me.

I raised my frightened and surprised gaze to him and met his eyes. I silently opened my mouth, as if the words themselves wanted to escape, but I froze in numbness, not knowing what to say. Lev lingered his gaze on me for a couple of seconds, frozen, with my mouth slightly open in surprise, turned away and went outside. I lowered my eyes, feeling myself blushing deeply.

And this happened every time. When he passed by, I embarrassedly looked away, turned away or imitated vigorous activity on my smartphone. And only then did I raise my eyes, watching him as he left. At such moments, my gaze slid over his graceful, thin, tall figure in a blue jacket. And when he turned around, I could see his graceful, refined profile in the sunlight, adorned with a thin frame of glasses. Everything about him, every movement spoke of intelligence, subtlety and ease of nature, and also – that this was someone, as if close to me and very vaguely familiar. I was confused and at the same time attracted by the halo that surrounded the figure of this man – his photos adorned the hall of the administration and calendars, an interview with him adorned the entire spread of a fresh newspaper, and when he appeared, people respectfully greeted him and whispered. And me? Who am I? Yesterday’s student, today’s intern, young, but already with a wealth of experience behind her. A girl who has no name or authority here yet – only sparkling eyes, a sharp mind and a willingness to work long and hard.

Besides, he is ten years older than me.

In a newspaper interview, he told me that he once taught the basics of programming at the university. How many ordinary young students like me have passed through his hands? Their faces, flashing before him for many years, eventually turned into a faceless stream of people. I can’t even imagine how I could interest him – and this thought made the stone slab on my chest feel even heavier.

I can’t fight this burning warm feeling for Lev, the sudden desire to surround this person, familiar and unfamiliar to me at the same time, with care.

***

On the day of summing up the results of my cohort’s internship, I was feeling a little nervous. My doubts had not completely dissipated – would they offer me to continue working at the IT corporation?

Several guys, other interns, and their managers sat around a long white table. There were a few empty seats next to me. And then Lev entered the room. I had no doubt about his appearance – hardly any project could do without his participation. My heavy gaze of hazel eyes involuntarily passed over him and lingered for a moment again on the ring that sparkled in the sun. Feeling a slight prick in my heart, I quickly turned away and began to study the interns’ presentations on the screen.

Here came the most exciting moment – the announcement of those who received an offer. I involuntarily grabbed the smooth armrests of the chair with slightly sweaty palms, leaning forward. My heart began to beat faster and faster. – Kira Konstantinovna, congratulations, you have successfully completed your internship, and we invite you to join our team! – the host announced solemnly.

I leaned back in my chair, breathing a sigh of relief. To the sound of loud applause, a wide smile spread across my face, a whole mountain fell from my shoulders. An entire period of uncertainty is behind me! I am staying in the corporation. But for how long?

Suddenly, a vision appeared before my eyes, which first came to me at school, and after that, for several years dormant in the back of my subconscious. Senior classes of school. Kate and I are sitting at a desk in a computer science class. She, usually a person of celebration, is writing code with concentration and enthusiasm. I can already see her in a modern office, testing a new program.

– How I envy you, Kate, – I smile thoughtfully. – You will be useful to people. And where to go for me, a humanities student, is not yet entirely clear.

I was drawn to her world. I clearly saw offices with many flickering blue screens, and people working intently behind them. And I saw myself next to them – certainly in a black business suit, as I consult them with a smile, and they listen to me, although I understand nothing about programming and, in general, the exact sciences. How is this possible?

And today, several years later, the answer has been found. I have become a part of this world of science. Fate did not hide anything from me – it immediately showed me a picture of the life in which I would find myself, and led me to it along clearly verified paths – I did not even have time to look back, as I found myself in place. So, this is not a mistake, I am where I should be, at the time I need to be – and is it possible to be otherwise?

The weekend after summing up the results of the internship seemed especially bright. A difficult test has been passed, a new stage of life has begun. Isn’t that great? Wasn’t it interesting work that brought me here from Siberia? And yet, it seemed to me that this explanation was insufficient – some other reason brought me to this city.

The weekend after summing up the results of the internship seemed especially bright. A difficult test had been passed, a new stage of life had begun. Wasn’t that great? Wasn’t it interesting work that brought me here from Siberia? And yet, it seemed to me that this explanation was insufficient – some other reason brought me to this city. The sun was scorching and blinding, flooding the ceremonial facades of houses and emerald lawns of parks with light. I went out to the embankment and stopped, leaning on the heated stone parapet and watching the wide blue flow of the Neva.

– Petersburg. I wonder why I really came here? – I thought, watching the small waves running into each other with a hypnotized gaze. «Finish the business of my past life,» flashed through my mind, as if it was not my thought.

I perked up, already looking around the noisy embankment and the buildings decorated with stucco, like cream roses on a cake, in a new way. And suddenly it seemed that in this city, about which I had heard so much and to which I had moved with such zeal, I was beginning to feel hard and uncomfortable. It would be fair to me in its desire to teach me something – but it would hardly be welcoming.

***

A couple of weeks later, nature showed mercy, and the heat left St. Petersburg, giving way to a cool wind. That day, thick gray clouds ran across the sky, reflected in the mirrored glass of the administration building. I was standing at the checkpoint, busily tapping my foot and listening to the beeps on my phone – the designer who was developing a poster for our advertising campaign stubbornly did not want to get in touch today. His face froze in his usual concentrated expression – frowning eyebrows. And then I noticed Lev coming out from around the corner of the building and approaching the checkpoint.

We were completely alone on the street. This silence and the barely noticeable rustle of the summer wind oppressed me. Instead of an instinctive impulse to hide, to turn away, I was overcome by a hypnotic desire to stand still and not move. I froze, silently watching his tall, graceful figure in a jacket approaching step by step, an expression of extreme thoughtfulness reflected on his thin face with a light stubble and in his expressive brown eyes behind his glasses.

He froze for a moment and looked into my eyes in surprise. I should have turned away in embarrassment, as I always did before. But I couldn’t move, not blinking, looking into his eyes and feeling how hard my heart was pounding, echoing in my ears. It seemed to me that I saw in his eyes how he overcame the emerging embarrassment. Finally, he himself took the first step and nodded to me cautiously. I responded with a slow nod of my head, and he walked on quickly. As soon as he disappeared, I could not hold back a wide smile.

It happened!

The first timid contact, the first sparks that flashed, which I treated very carefully. Half an hour later, I was walking briskly back to the administration. Entering the spacious, cool hall, I froze again – behind the glass of a small partitioned room, Lev was standing with his back to me, typing something on the printer. As soon as I entered the building, he immediately raised his head and turned to follow me with an interested look.

Now there was no doubt – he was looking at me on purpose. Goosebumps and a wave of strange warmth ran down my spine from the waist to the top of my head. I straightened my shoulders and proudly, as if nothing had happened, walked past. There was no doubt – the first spark had not gone out.

That same night, this spark flared up with a strange heat that engulfed me. Pictures of today appeared before my inner eye and some strange confidence that was born inside when our gazes caught and intertwined. Confidence that this person and I would soon become close and that this was already destined by fate.

I was restlessly tossing and turning in bed, unable to fall asleep from the flood of energy that had washed over me. But damn it, could fate really be playing such a cruel joke, bringing me together with an unfree man? Could this be part of her plans? Or am I missing something? The one who wrote the script for my life definitely likes the tragicomedy genre.

Over these couple of months in St. Petersburg, something inside me has changed. And today, unable to fall asleep on a dark night in an empty apartment, I was left alone with these changes. I had no choice but to look them in the face.

«I can’t do this and give free rein to my nascent feelings. We can’t do this together, it won’t lead to anything good,» I thought frantically, wrapping myself in a thin blanket and looking into the dark emptiness of the apartment. But through these thoughts, a certainty, terrifying in its calm, broke through from somewhere in me: «This is fate. We will be together. After all, people can find their love in any circumstances – even if they are already in a relationship with someone, but feel that they are ready to move on to a new stage of life.» Until the morning, a strange heat in the solar plexus and a desire to look into those eyes again did not allow me to close my eyes – the body knew something that I did not.

But in the following nights, the heat and the desire to solve this riddle turned into a real hunger, twisting the body and not letting me fall asleep. The thought pounded inside – I need to do something quickly, I can’t wait any longer!

One night, I suddenly opened my eyes, feeling something broken and sore in the chest area, a lump in my throat, and the thought echoed in my head: «He’s already married. I didn’t have time. How can I come to terms with this?» Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, and I fell back into a dreamless sleep that held me tightly in its bonds.

«Who are you?» I whispered into the darkness of the room, realizing that I knew and didn’t know this man at the same time.

From the point of view of common sense, this seemed like nonsense – but for me it was of great importance. I kept this secret until I was able to solve it.

***

The feeling that kept me awake at night sometimes came to me in the daylight, not giving me a chance to let go of the strange attraction to Lev.

One day, while going through the media archives, I accidentally came across an article from last year, where Lev gave an interview about a business trip to Chile. «You again,» I smiled kindly.

Lev was telling how he went on a business trip to a subsidiary IT company, helped build the management of a project to create jobs for local students, and traveled in his free time. He especially liked volcanoes – the country’s calling card and, as it turned out later, a symbol of his character.

At the end of the article there was a note: «Lev. 30 years old. Single.» The article was two years old. I grinned. This phrase bordered on humor and hopelessness – who and why thought it necessary to publicly announce that he was single, and most importantly, for what purpose? Was it really so important to arrange his personal life, and so difficult that after the article I had to give a kind of «announcement»?

These methods caused me unpleasant surprise, but they were the norm here – everyone knew everything about everyone, and there was no personal life – it was a common matter. These attempts to interfere in the personal were disgusting to me, and I immediately felt that they were unpleasant for Lev too, because he had an inner core and independence of spirit. Despite his outward openness, he did not allow anyone to get into his soul.

Looking at the printed article and Lev’s photo against the background of the logo of the Chilean subsidiary in confusion, I mentally addressed him with a confidence that frightened me: «You didn’t wait for me, you got married. And you could have been patient for another two years. Was it really so difficult?»

But, considering these thoughts strange, I quickly drove them away. «What am I thinking about?» – quickly flashed through my head. …Another warm summer day was drawing to a close. My colleagues and I walked out of the glass box of the administration. The sky was a soft peach color, the wind gently slid across my skin. I felt the pleasant weight of my favorite earrings with dark green stones framed by cubic zirconia, which I got from my mother.

All the employees were gathering at the checkpoint. Hundreds of people, unfamiliar, tired faces. And then my gaze caught Lev in the crowd. My eyes radiated a soft light of enjoyment of the warmth of this evening. We exchanged glances. He, like last time, was slightly surprised, and goosebumps ran down my spine again. A smile of timid hope touched my lips, and I smoothly walked past without looking back. But I was sure – he remembered me.

That same evening, I called Kate to find out how she was doing. I wanted to distract myself from the fatigue and the pile of things to do at work, and the strange feeling that I was losing control after meeting Lev. Who would bring me back to reality if not my childhood friend?

– Kate, hi! How are you doing since moving to Moscow? Do you miss Siberia or have you already found yourself a new company there, or even admirers? – I said cheerfully, exposing my face to the gentle rays of the sun and squinting slightly.

– It’s not easy, of course, but that’s normal when moving to a new city. I really like it here! Will you come for the New Year? – I heard the chirping of her joyful voice from the phone.

– Of course, I will! – I nodded eagerly. – Will we celebrate together?

– Yes, so far I have no one to introduce you to, and my heart is free, – I heard her laughter, warming my soul, and I involuntarily smiled broadly. – By the way, Kira, I recently went to look at the social networks of your corporation. I wonder where my friend ended up! You do such cool things! And I also looked at the last post – you have such handsome boys in suits there! To your taste, by the way. Who is that?

There was only one boy in a suit in the last post – I looked into his eyes today. A strange feeling of heat came over me: «He, him again, even now.» Fate teased me and smirked, throwing out signs, it pushed me to action, but what to do and why, I did not yet understand.

– Well, it’s a complicated story, – I blurted out ingenuously, still not finding the right words. – I will definitely tell you, a little later. Don’t be angry with me for intriguing. I myself am no less intrigued by the situation.

Feminine soft power, the ability to attract and ignite interest – maybe this is what the Universe expects from me? Controversial… I have always lived with the feeling that I do not have feminine strength – there is simply strength, asexual and ethereal strength of the soul and intention, complementing clarity of mind and allowing me to confidently move along the waves of life. I have always been a reserved and collected person, my flirting and charisma were peculiar – I opened up only to the man with whom I had communicated enough and whom I began to trust.

But so far there have been no contacts or dialogues between yesterday’s intern in the marketing department and the head of the scientific center for software development.

To tell the truth, I was not at all sure that a man like him would pay attention to me.

Fate set me an interesting task, as if it wanted to show that it believed in my strength, and at the same time tease me, showing the unreality of a momentary fulfillment of desire.

I could not help myself – I collected the scant and brief moments of his attention to my person like pieces of a puzzle. I could only sense what kind of picture I was collecting – a picture of spiritual attachment, trust, cooperation, kinship of souls and even passion – but to see all its pieces of the puzzle seemed an unrealistic task to me. Until the silent glances and polite nods in the hall of the administration and near the smoking room pulled towards the declared picture, and I kept asking myself the question – am I going crazy and is it time for me to stop?

Will a relationship with a married man lead to tragedy and broken hearts? But for some reason I could not stop – as if I was sitting behind the wheel of a car that had already picked up tremendous speed, and all that was left was to carefully watch the road. A few days later, my colleagues and I were late and left the checkpoint after most of the employees had already left, and a crowd of four of us walked to the car. The sun was shining brightly, the Friday workday was behind us, and an evening corporate party at the bowling alley awaited us – a reason to relax, fool around, and get to know each other better. I sat in the front seat of the car, looked up, and with a gasp saw Lev near the empty checkpoint: he was standing alone, in his elegant gray coat and glasses, gracefully leaning on a long umbrella, and smoking. My heart sank slightly, and I involuntarily leaned forward. He always smoked alone, away from everyone else, silently, and it was clear from his expressive brown eyes that he was deep in thought. My heart was flooded with sympathy: why do you, so smart, open, bright and charismatic like the sun, so often close yourself off and stand alone?..

Now I was looking at him from behind the slightly dusty windshield with a smile on my face. Our car was parked a little further away from the checkpoint, but I saw how he was looking at us with interest in return. At us? Or at me?

We started moving and slowly drove past: I continued to look at him, he calmly, but with slight interest, looked at me point-blank – our open play of glances continued, causing waves of goosebumps. Finally, we turned onto the highway and drove away to burst straight into a promising Friday evening. And I added another small puzzle to the overall picture, again feeling the heat in my solar plexus.

My colleagues and I reached the bowling alley, took our seats and ordered a glass of beer. Still feeling a bit awkward in front of my new colleagues, I smiled and took a sip of the cold, bitter drink – after a couple of minutes, my body relaxed, and I leaned back in my chair, smiling cautiously and listening to the conversation.

– How do you like Eva Schwein, our marketing director? Our boss. She was at the internship defense, – one of the girls turned to me.

I remembered her – a stately, tall woman with long blond hair, sitting at the jury table. She watched the interns closely, squinting, from behind her round glasses and made notes in a notebook, occasionally inserting comments. A German accent was clearly audible.

– I can’t judge yet. But it seems to me that she knows her business, – I shrugged. – I respect professionalism in people.

– You’ll soon become a professional yourself, – my friend sitting next to me patted me on the shoulder encouragingly. – I saw how skillfully you analyze the market and look for advertising sites. This is definitely your thing!

I was a little embarrassed and lowered my head – it was difficult to evaluate myself in a business I had never done before, but the words of experienced colleagues echoed in my chest with a pleasant warmth.

– True, it is difficult to judge Eva Schwein unequivocally, – one of the girls continued after a little hesitation. I raised my head and looked questioningly into her bright blue eyes. – Everyone knows the story of Marina Voikova.

I leaned forward with interest and nodded. She took a sip and continued – her slightly faster speech showed her excitement at the conversation on this topic.

– Marina worked in our department, she is now on maternity leave. And she met her husband, Nikita Voikov, in a very interesting way. One fine day, Eva Schwein called her good friend, the operations director, and brought up the fact that she had a very nice girl in her department – Marina, but she was not married.

Suddenly I felt a burning interest in this story – the situation of this Marina, whom I had never seen in my life, for some reason seemed close to me.

– And what happened next? – I drained my glass in one gulp out of mild excitement.

– Together, they organized a business trip for them and Nikita Voikov, a technologist, to Chile, where we have a subsidiary company. They really did start a romance there, and now they got married. Now Marina is babysitting their child.

I didn’t even notice how I finally relaxed. My lips stretched into a wide, sincere smile. My colleagues trusted me and told me this ambiguous story that could cast a shadow on our boss.

– What’s wrong with that? They helped to unite hearts. Since they were both free…

– Kira. Nikita was married, he had a child with his ex-wife. He got divorced, and the next day he and Marina had a wedding.

The cold gaze of the icy-blue eyes of the storyteller caught on me, waiting for a reaction. What should I feel, how should I respond? Condemn them and Eva Schwein? But, contrary to expectations, hope blossomed inside me – it meant that everything in this life was possible. Lev’s interested look, which he constantly cast at me at work, appeared before my eyes, making everything inside me turn over.

«An unusual story,» was all I could squeeze out.

«I find this matchmaking disgusting. And the operations director later mentioned how ashamed she was that she was dragged into this story,» the colleague answered her own silent question with poorly concealed disgust.

I lowered my gaze to hide my interest and hope, and nodded towards the game track.