Plays: Lady Frederick, The Explorer, A Man of Honour

Admiral

There are some matters which must be settled at once, Lady Frederick.

Lady Frederick

You know, young things are fairly independent nowadays. I don't know what they'll be in twenty years' time.

Gerald

The first thing the boy shall learn is obedience.

Rose. Certainly. There's nothing so hateful as a disobedient child.

Admiral

I can't see my grandson venturing to disobey me.

Lady Frederick

Then you're all agreed. So that's settled. I came to tell you your carriage was ready.

Admiral

Go and put on your bonnet, Rose. [To Lady Frederick.] Are you coming with us?

Lady Frederick

I'm afraid I can't. Au revoir.

Admiral

A tout à l'heure.

[He and Rose go out.Gerald

Have you ever seen in your life any one so entirely delightful as Rose?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Only when I've looked in the glass.

Gerald

My dear Elizabeth, how vain you are.

Lady Frederick

You're very happy, my Gerald.

Gerald

It's such a relief to have got over all the difficulties. I thought it never would come right. You are a brick, Elizabeth.

Lady Frederick

I really think I am rather.

Gerald

The moment you promised to arrange things I felt as safe as a house.

Lady Frederick

I said I'd do my best, didn't I? And I told you not to worry.

Gerald

[Turning round suddenly.] Isn't it all right?

Lady Frederick

No, it's about as wrong as it can possibly be. I knew Cohen was staying here, and I thought I could get him to hold the bills over for a few days.

Gerald

And won't he?

Lady Frederick

He hasn't got them any more.

Gerald

[Startled.] What!

Lady Frederick

They've been negotiated, and he swears he doesn't know who has them.

Gerald

But who could have been such a fool?

Lady Frederick

I don't know, that's just the awful part of it. It was bad enough before. I knew the worst Cohen could do, but now… It couldn't be Paradine.

Gerald

And then there's Montgomerie.

Lady Frederick

I shall see him to-day.

Gerald

What are you going to say to him?

Lady Frederick

I haven't an idea. I'm rather frightened of him.

Gerald

You know, dear, if the worst comes to the worst…

Lady Frederick

Whatever happens you shall marry Rose. I promise you that.

[Paradine Fouldes appears.Fouldes

May I come in?

Lady Frederick

[Gaily.] It's a public room. I don't see how we can possibly prevent you.

Gerald

I'm just going to take a stroll.

Lady Frederick

Do.

[He goes out.Fouldes

Well? How are things going?

Lady Frederick

Quite well, thank you.

Fouldes

I've left Charlie with his mother. I hope you can spare him for a couple of hours.

Lady Frederick

I told him he must spend the afternoon with her. I don't approve of his neglecting his filial duty.

Fouldes

Ah!.. I saw Dick Cohen this morning.

Lady Frederick

[Quickly.] Did you?

Fouldes

It seems to interest you?

Lady Frederick

Not at all. Why should it?

Fouldes

[Smiling.] Nice little man, isn't he?

Lady Frederick

[Good humouredly.] I wish I had something to throw at you.

Fouldes

[With a laugh.] Well, I haven't got the confounded bills. I was too late.

Lady Frederick

Did you try?

Fouldes

Oh – yes, I thought it would interest Charlie to know how extremely needful it was for you to marry him.

Lady Frederick

Then who on earth has got them?

Fouldes

I haven't an idea, but they must make you very uncomfortable. Three thousand five hundred, eh?

Lady Frederick

Don't say it all at once. It sounds so much.

Fouldes

You wouldn't like to exchange those letters of Mereston's for seven thousand pounds, would you?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] No.

Fouldes

Ah… By the way, d'you mind if I tell Charlie the full story of your – relations with me?

Lady Frederick

Why should I? It's not I who'll look ridiculous.

Fouldes

Thanks. I may avail myself of your permission.

Lady Frederick

I daresay you've noticed that Charlie has a very keen sense of humour.

Fouldes

If you're going to be disagreeable to me I shall go. [He stops.] I say, are you quite sure there's nothing else that can be brought up against you?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Quite sure, thanks.

Fouldes

My sister's very jubilant to-day. What about the Bellingham affair?

Lady Frederick

Merely scandal, my friend.

Fouldes

Well, look out. She's a woman, and she'll stick at nothing.

Lady Frederick

I wonder why you warn me.

Fouldes

For the sake of old times, my dear.

Lady Frederick

You're growing sentimental, Paradine. It's the punishment which the gods inflict on a cynic when he grows old.

Fouldes

It may be, but for the life of me I can't forget that once —

Lady Frederick

[Interrupting.] My dear friend, don't rake up my lamentable past.

Fouldes

I don't think I've met any one so entirely devoid of sentiment as you are.

Lady Frederick

Let us agree that I have every vice under the sun and have done with it.

[A Servant comes in.]Servant

Madame Claude wishes to see your ladyship.

Lady Frederick

Oh, my dressmaker.

Fouldes

Another bill?

Lady Frederick

That's the worst of Monte. One meets as many creditors as in Bond Street. Say I'm engaged.

Servant

Madame Claude says she will wait till miladi is free.

Fouldes

You make a mistake. One should always be polite to people whose bills one can't pay.

Lady Frederick

Show her in.

Servant

Yes, miladi.

[Exit Servant.Fouldes

Is it a big one?

Lady Frederick

Oh, no; only seven hundred pounds.

Fouldes

By Jove.

Lady Frederick

My dear friend, one must dress. I can't go about in fig-leaves.

Fouldes

One can dress simply.

Lady Frederick

I do. That's why it costs so much.

Fouldes

You know, you're devilish extravagant.

Lady Frederick

I'm not. I'm content with the barest necessities of existence.

Fouldes

You've got a maid.

Lady Frederick

Of course I've got a maid. I was never taught to dress myself.

Fouldes

And you've got a footman.

Lady Frederick

I've always had a footman. And my mother always had a footman. I couldn't live a day without him.

Fouldes

What does he do for you?

Lady Frederick

He inspires confidence in tradesmen.

Fouldes

And you have the most expensive suite of rooms in the hotel.

Lady Frederick

I'm in such a dreadful mess. If I hadn't got nice rooms I should brood over it.

Fouldes

Then, as if that weren't enough, you fling your money away at the tables.

Lady Frederick

When you're as poor as I am, a few louis more or less can make absolutely no difference.

Fouldes

[With a laugh.] You're quite incorrigible.

Lady Frederick

It's really not my fault. I do try to be economical, but money slips through my fingers like water. I can't help it.

Fouldes

You want a sensible sort of a man to look after you.

Lady Frederick

I want a very rich sort of a man to look after me.

Fouldes

If you were my wife, I should advertise in the papers that I wasn't responsible for your debts.

Lady Frederick

If you were my husband, I'd advertise immediately underneath that I wasn't responsible for your manners.

Fouldes

I wonder why you're so reckless.

Lady Frederick

When my husband was alive I was so utterly wretched. And afterwards, when I looked forward to a little happiness, my boy died. Then I didn't care any more. I did everything I could to stupefy myself. I squandered money as other women take morphia – that's all.

Fouldes

It's the same dear scatter-brained, good-hearted Betsy that I used to know.

Lady Frederick

You're the only person who calls me Betsy now. To all the others I'm only Elizabeth.

Fouldes

Look here, what are you going to do with this dressmaker?

Lady Frederick

I don't know. I always trust to the inspiration of the moment.

Fouldes

She'll make a devil of a fuss, won't she?

Lady Frederick

Oh, no; I shall be quite nice to her.

Fouldes

I daresay. But won't she be very disagreeable to you?

Lady Frederick

You don't know what a way I have with my creditors.

Fouldes

I know it's not a paying way.

Lady Frederick

Isn't it? I bet you a hundred louis that I offer her the money and she refuses it.

Fouldes

I'll take that.

Lady Frederick

Here she is.

[Madame Claude enters, ushered in by the Servant. She is a stout, genteel person, very splendidly gowned, with a Cockney accent. Her face is set to sternness, decision to make a scene, and general sourness.Servant

Madame Claude.

[Exit Servant. Lady Frederick goes up to her enthusiastically and takes both her hands.Lady Frederick

Best of women. This is a joyful surprise.

Madame Claude

[Drawing herself up.] I 'eard quite by chance that your ladyship was at Monte.

Lady Frederick

So you came to see me at once. That was nice of you. You're the very person I wanted to see.

Madame Claude

[Significantly.] I'm glad of that, my lady, I must confess.

Lady Frederick

You dear creature. That's one advantage of Monte Carlo, one meets all one's friends. Do you know Mr. Fouldes? This is Madame Claude, an artist, my dear Paradine, a real artist.

Madame Claude

[Grimly.] I'm pleased that your ladyship should think so.

Fouldes

How d'you do.

Lady Frederick

Now, this gown. Look, look, look. In this skirt there's genius, mon cher. In the way it hangs my whole character is expressed. Observe the fullness of it, that indicates those admirable virtues which make me an ornament to Society, while the frill at the bottom just suggests those foibles – you can hardly call them faults – which add a certain grace and interest to my personality. And the flounce. Paradine, I beseech you to look at it carefully. I would sooner have designed this flounce than won the Battle of Waterloo.

Madame Claude

Your ladyship is very kind.

Lady Frederick

Not at all, not at all. You remember that rose chiffon. I wore it the other day, and the dear Archduchess came up to me and said: "My dear, my dear." I thought she was going to have a fit. But when she recovered she kissed me on both cheeks and said: "Lady Frederick, you have a dressmaker worth her weight in gold." You heard her, Paradine, didn't you?

Fouldes

You forget that I only arrived last night.

Lady Frederick

Of course. How stupid of me. She'll be perfectly delighted to hear that you're in Monte Carlo. But I shall have to break it to her gently.

Madame Claude

[Unmoved.] I'm sorry to intrude upon your ladyship.

Lady Frederick

Now what are you talking about? If you hadn't come to see me I should never have forgiven you.

Madame Claude

I wanted to have a little talk with your ladyship.

Lady Frederick

Oh, but I hope we shall have many little talks. Have you brought your motor down?

Madame Claude

Yes.

Lady Frederick

That's charming. You shall take me for a drive in it every day. I hope you're going to stay some time.

Madame Claude

That depends on circumstances, Lady Frederick. I 'ave a little business to do here.

Lady Frederick

Then let me give you one warning – don't gamble.

Madame Claude

Oh, no, my lady. I gamble quite enough in my business as it is. I never know when my customers will pay their bills – if ever.

Lady Frederick

[Slightly taken aback.] Ha, ha, ha.

Fouldes

[With a deep guffaw.] Ho, ho, ho.

Lady Frederick

Isn't she clever? I must tell that to the Archduchess. She'll be so amused. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The dear Archduchess, you know she loves a little joke. You must really meet her. Will you come and lunch? I know you'd hit it off together.

Madame Claude

[More genially.] That's very kind of your ladyship.

Lady Frederick

My dear, you know perfectly well that I've always looked upon you as one of my best friends. Now who shall we have? There's you and me and the Archduchess. Then I'll ask Lord Mereston.

Madame Claude

The Marquess of Mereston, Lady Frederick?

Lady Frederick

Yes. And Mr. Fouldes, his uncle.

Madame Claude

Excuse me, are you the Mr. Paradine Fouldes?

Fouldes

[Bowing.] At your service, madam.

Madame Claude

I'm so glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Fouldes. [Unctuously.] I've always heard you're such a bad man.

Fouldes

Madam, you overwhelm me with confusion.

Madame Claude

Believe me, Mr. Fouldes, it's not the ladies that are married to saints who take the trouble to dress well.

Lady Frederick

Now we want a third man. Shall we ask my brother – you know Sir Gerald O'Mara, don't you? Or shall we ask Prince Doniani? Yes, I think we'll ask the Prince. I'm sure you'd like him. Such a handsome man! That'll make six.

Madame Claude

It's very kind of you, Lady Frederick, but – well, I'm only a tradeswoman, you know.

Lady Frederick

A tradeswoman? How can you talk such nonsense. You are an artist – a real artist, my dear. And an artist is fit to meet a king.

Madame Claude

Well, I don't deny that I'd be ashamed to dress my customers in the gowns I see painted at the Royal Academy.

Lady Frederick

Then it's quite settled, isn't it, Madame Claude – oh, may I call you Ada?

Madame Claude

Oh, Lady Frederick, I should be very much flattered. But how did you know that was my name?

Lady Frederick

Why you wrote me a letter only the other day.

Madame Claude

Did I?

Lady Frederick

And such a cross letter too.

Madame Claude

[Apologetically.] Oh, but Lady Frederick, that was only in the way of business. I don't exactly remember what expressions I may have made use of —

Lady Frederick

[Interrupting, as if the truth had suddenly flashed across her.] Ada! I do believe you came here to-day about my account.

Madame Claude

Oh, no, my lady, I promise you.

Lady Frederick

You did; I know you did. I see it in your face. Now that really wasn't nice of you. I thought you came as a friend.

Madame Claude

I did, Lady Frederick.

Lady Frederick

No, you wanted to dun me. I'm disappointed in you. I did think, after all the things I've had from you, you wouldn't treat me like that.

Madame Claude

But I assure your ladyship…

Lady Frederick

Not another word. You came to ask for a cheque. You shall have it.

Madame Claude

No, Lady Frederick, I wouldn't take it.

Lady Frederick

What is the exact figure, Madame Claude?

Madame Claude

I – I don't remember.

Lady Frederick

Seven hundred and fifty pounds, seventeen and ninepence. You see, I remember. You came for your cheque and you shall have it.

[She sits down and takes a pen.Madame Claude

Now, Lady Frederick, I should look upon that as most unkind. It's treating me like a very second-rate establishment.

Lady Frederick

I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that before. Now I haven't got a cheque; how tiresome.

Madame Claude

Oh, it doesn't matter, Lady Frederick. I promise you it never entered my 'ead.

Lady Frederick

What shall I do?

Fouldes

You can write it on a sheet of paper, you know.

Lady Frederick

[With a look, aside to him.] Monster! [Aloud.] Of course I can. I hadn't thought of that. [She takes a sheet of paper.] But how on earth am I to get a stamp?

Fouldes

[Much amused.] I happen to have one on me.

Lady Frederick

I wonder why on earth you should have English stamps in Monte Carlo?

Fouldes

[Handing her one.] A penny stamp may sometimes save one a hundred louis.

Lady Frederick

[Ironically.] Thanks so much. I write the name of my bank on the top, don't I? Pay Madame Claude…

Madame Claude

Now, it's no good, Lady Frederick, I won't take it. After all I 'ave my self-respect to think of.

Lady Frederick

It's too late now.

Madame Claude

[Sniffing a little.] No, no, Lady Frederick. Don't be too 'ard on me. As one lady to another I ask you to forgive me. I did come about my account, but – well, I don't want the money.

Lady Frederick

[Looking up good-humouredly.] Well, well. [She looks at the cheque.] It shall be as you wish. There. [She tears it up.]

Madame Claude

Oh, thank you, Lady Frederick. I look upon that as a real favour. And now I really must be getting off.

Lady Frederick

Must you go? Well, good-bye. Paradine, take Madame Claude to her motor. Ada!

[She kisses her on the cheek.Madame Claude

[Going.] I am pleased to have seen you.

[Paradine offers his arm and goes out with Madame Claude. Lady Frederick goes to the window, stands on a chair and waves her handkerchief. While she is doing this Captain Montgomerie enters.Captain Montgomerie

How d'you do?

Lady Frederick

[Getting down.] How nice of you to come. I wanted to see you.

Captain Montgomerie

May I sit down?

Lady Frederick

Of course. There are one or two things I'd like to talk to you about.

Captain Montgomerie

Yes?

Lady Frederick

First I must thank you for your great kindness to Gerald. I didn't know last night that he owed you a good deal of money.

Captain Montgomerie

It's a mere trifle.

Lady Frederick

You must be very rich to call nine hundred pounds that?

Captain Montgomerie

I am.

Lady Frederick

[With a laugh.] All the same it's extremely good of you to give him plenty of time.

Captain Montgomerie

I told Gerald he could have till to-morrow.

Lady Frederick

Obviously he wants to settle with you as soon as ever he can.

Captain Montgomerie

[Quietly.] I often wonder why gambling debts are known as debts of honour.

Lady Frederick

[Looking at him steadily.] Of course I realise that if you choose to press for the money and Gerald can't pay – he'll have to send in his papers.

Captain Montgomerie

[Lightly.] You may be quite sure I have no wish to bring about such a calamity. By the way, have you thought over our little talk of last night?

Lady Frederick

No.

Captain Montgomerie

You would have been wise to do so.

Lady Frederick

My dear Captain Montgomerie, you really can't expect me to marry you because my brother has been so foolish as to lose more money at poker than he can afford.

Captain Montgomerie

Did you ever hear that my father was a money-lender?

Lady Frederick

A lucrative profession, I believe.

Captain Montgomerie

He found it so. He was a Polish Jew called Aaron Levitzki. He came to this country with three shillings in his pocket. He lent half-a-crown of it to a friend on the condition that he should be paid back seven and six in three days.

Lady Frederick

I'm not good at figures, but the interest sounds rather high.

Captain Montgomerie

It is. That was one of my father's specialities. From these humble beginnings his business grew to such proportions that at his death he was able to leave me the name and arms of the great family of Montgomerie and something over a million of money.

Lady Frederick

The result of thrift, industry, and good fortune.

Captain Montgomerie

My father was able to gratify all his ambitions but one. He was eaten up with the desire to move in good society, and this he was never able to achieve. His dying wish was that I should live in those circles which he knew only…

Lady Frederick

Across the counter?

Captain Montgomerie

Precisely. But my poor father was a little ignorant in these matters. To him one lord was as good as another. He thought a Marquess a finer man than an Earl, and a Viscount than a Baron. He would never have understood that a penniless Irish baronet might go into better society than many a belted earl.

Lady Frederick

And what is the application of this?

Captain Montgomerie

I wanted to explain to you one of the reasons which emboldened me last night to make you a proposal of marriage.

Lady Frederick

But surely you know some very nice people. I saw you lunching the other day with the widow of a city knight.

Captain Montgomerie

Many very excellent persons are glad to have me to dine with them. But I know quite well that they're not the real article. I'm as far off as ever from getting into those houses which you have been used to all your life. I'm not content with third-rate earls and rather seedy dowagers.

Lady Frederick

Forgive my frankness, but – aren't you rather a snob?

Captain Montgomerie

My father, Aaron Levitzki, married an English woman, and I have all the English virtues.

Lady Frederick

But I'm not quite sure that people would swallow you even as my husband.

Captain Montgomerie

They'd make a face, but they'd swallow me right enough. And when I asked them down to the best shoot in England they'd come to the conclusion that I agreed with them very well.

Lady Frederick

[Still rather amused.] Your offer is eminently businesslike, but you see I'm not a business woman. It doesn't appeal to me.

Captain Montgomerie

I only ask you to perform such of the duties of a wife as are required by Society. They are few enough in all conscience. I should wish you to entertain largely and receive my guests, be polite to me, at least in public, and go with me to the various places people go to. Otherwise I leave you entire freedom. You will find me generous and heedful to all your wishes.

Lady Frederick

Captain Montgomerie, I don't know how much of all that you have said is meant seriously. But, surely you're not choosing the right time to make such a proposal when my brother owes you so much money that if you care to be hard you can ruin him.

Captain Montgomerie

Why not?

Lady Frederick

D'you mean to say…?

Captain Montgomerie

I will be quite frank with you. I should never have allowed Gerald to lose so much money which there was no likelihood of his being able to pay, if I had not thought it earned me some claim upon your gratitude.

Lady Frederick

[Shortly.] Gerald will pay every penny he owes you to-morrow.

Captain Montgomerie

[Blandly.] Where d'you suppose he'll get it?

Lady Frederick

I have no doubt I shall be able to manage something.

Captain Montgomerie

Have you not tried this morning, entirely without success?

Lady Frederick

[Startled.] What?

Captain Montgomerie

You do not forget that you have sundry moneys of your own which are payable to-morrow?

Lady Frederick

How d'you know that?

Captain Montgomerie

I told you that when I took a thing in hand I carried it through. You went to Dick Cohen, and he told you he'd parted with the bills. Didn't you guess that only one man could have the least interest in taking them over?

Lady Frederick

You?

Captain Montgomerie

Yes.

Lady Frederick

Oh, God.

Captain Montgomerie

Come, come, don't be worried over it. There's nothing to be alarmed about. I'm a very decent chap – if you'd accepted me right away you would never have known that those bills were in my possession. Think it over once more. I'm sure we should get on well together. I can give you what you most need, money and the liberty to fling it away as recklessly as you choose; you can give me the assured and fixed position on which – my father's heart was set.

Lady Frederick

And if I don't accept, you'll make me a bankrupt and you'll ruin Gerald?

Captain Montgomerie

I refuse to consider that very unpleasant alternative.

Lady Frederick

Oh! I can't, I can't.

Captain Montgomerie

[Laughing.] But you must, you must. When shall I come for your answer? To-morrow? I'll come with the bills and Gerald's I.O.U. in my pocket, and you shall burn them yourself. Good-bye.

[He kisses her hand and goes out. Lady Frederick remains staring in front of her. Mereston enters, followed by Lady Mereston and Paradine.Mereston

[Going to her eagerly.] Hulloa! I wondered what on earth had become of you.

Lady Frederick

[With a laugh.] It's only two hours since I chased you away from me.

Mereston

I'm afraid I bore you to death.

Lady Frederick

Don't be so silly. You know you don't.

Mereston

Where are you going now?

Lady Frederick

I have rather a headache. I'm going to lie down.

Mereston

I'm so sorry.

[Lady Frederick goes out. Mereston stares after her anxiously, and makes a step towards the door.Lady Mereston

[Sharply.] Where are you going, Charlie?

Mereston

I never asked Lady Frederick if I could do anything.

Lady Mereston

Good heavens, there are surely plenty of servants in the hotel to get her anything she wants.