Plays: Lady Frederick, The Explorer, A Man of Honour

Maid

Yes, miladi.

[She goes.Lady Frederick

Now, tell me you think I'm the most ravishing creature you ever saw in your life.

Mereston

I've told you that so often.

Lady Frederick

[Stretching out her hands.] You are a nice boy. It was charming of you to say – what you did yesterday. I could have hugged you there and then.

Mereston

Could you?

Lady Frederick

Oh, my dear, don't be so cold.

Mereston

I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to be.

Lady Frederick

Haven't you got anything nice to say to me at all?

Mereston

I don't know what I can say that I've not said a thousand times already.

Lady Frederick

Tell me what you thought of all night when you tossed on that sleepless pillow of yours.

Mereston

I was awfully anxious to see you again.

Lady Frederick

Didn't you have a dreadful fear that I shouldn't be as nice as you imagined? Now, come – honestly.

Mereston

Well, yes, I suppose it crossed my mind.

Lady Frederick

And am I?

Mereston

Of course.

Lady Frederick

You're sure you're not disappointed?

Mereston

Quite sure.

Lady Frederick

What a relief! You know, I've been tormenting myself dreadfully. I said to myself: "He'll go on thinking of me till he imagines I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and then, when he comes here and sees the plain reality, it'll be an awful blow."

Mereston

What nonsense! How could you think anything of the kind?

Lady Frederick

Are you aware that you haven't shown the least desire to kiss me yet?

Mereston

I thought – I thought you might not like it.

Lady Frederick

It'll be too late in a minute.

Mereston

Why?

Lady Frederick

Because I'm just going to make up, you silly boy.

Mereston

How? I don't understand.

Lady Frederick

You said I must be very sure of my complexion. Of course I am. Here it is.

[She runs her fingers over a row of little pots and vases.Mereston

Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.

Lady Frederick

You don't mean to say you thought it natural?

Mereston

It never occurred to me it might be anything else.

Lady Frederick

It's really too disheartening. I spend an hour every day of my life making the best complexion in Monte Carlo, and you think it's natural. Why, I might as well be a dairymaid of eighteen.

Mereston

I'm very sorry.

Lady Frederick

I forgive you… You may kiss my hand. [He does so.] You dear boy. [Looking at herself in the glass.] Oh, Betsy, you're not looking your best to-day. [Shaking her finger at the glass.] This won't do, Betsy, my dear. You're very nearly looking your age. [Turning round quickly.] D'you think I look forty?

Mereston

I never asked myself how old you were.

Lady Frederick

Well, I'm not, you know. And I shan't be as long as there's a pot of rouge and a powder puff in the world. [She rubs grease paint all over her face.]

Mereston

What are you doing?

Lady Frederick

I wish I were an actress. They have such an advantage. They only have to make up to look well behind the footlights; but I have to expose myself to that beastly sun.

Mereston

[Nervously.] Yes, of course.

Lady Frederick

Is your mother dreadfully annoyed with you? And Paradine must be furious. I shall call him Uncle Paradine next time I see him. It'll make him feel so middle-aged. Charlie, you don't know how grateful I am for what you did yesterday. You acted like a real brick.

Mereston

It's awfully good of you to say so.

Lady Frederick

[Turning.] Do I look a fright?

Mereston

Oh, no, not at all.

Lady Frederick

I love this powder. It plays no tricks with you. Once I put on a new powder that I bought in Paris, and as soon as I went into artificial light it turned a bright mauve. I was very much annoyed. You wouldn't like to go about with a mauve face, would you?

Mereston

No, not at all.

Lady Frederick

Fortunately I had a green frock on. And mauve and green were very fashionable that year. Still I'd sooner it hadn't been on my face… There. I think that'll do as a foundation. I'm beginning to feel younger already. Now for the delicate soft bloom of youth. The great difficulty, you know, is to make both your cheeks the same colour. [Turning to him.] Charlie, you're not bored, are you?

Mereston

No, no.

Lady Frederick

I always think my observations have a peculiar piquancy when I have only one cheek rouged. I remember once I went out to dinner, and as soon as I sat down I grew conscious of the fact that one of my cheeks was much redder than the other.

Mereston

By George, that was awkward.

Lady Frederick

Charlie, you are a good-looking boy. I had no idea you were so handsome. And you look so young and fresh, it's quite a pleasure to look at you.

Mereston

[Laughing awkwardly.] D'you think so? What did you do when you discovered your predicament?

Lady Frederick

Well, by a merciful interposition of Providence, I had a foreign diplomatist on my right side which bloomed like a rose, and a bishop on my left which was white like the lily. The diplomatist told me risky stories all through dinner so it was quite natural that this cheek should blush fiery red. And as the Bishop whispered in my left ear harrowing details of distress in the East End, it was only decent that the other should exhibit a becoming pallor. [Meanwhile she has been rouging her cheeks.] Now look carefully, Charlie, and you'll see how I make the Cupid's bow which is my mouth. I like a nice healthy colour on the lips, don't you?

Mereston

Isn't it awfully uncomfortable to have all that stuff on?

Lady Frederick

Ah, my dear boy, it's woman's lot to suffer in this world. But it's a great comfort to think that one is submitting to the decrees of Providence and at the same time adding to one's personal attractiveness. But I confess I sometimes wish I needn't blow my nose so carefully. Smile, Charlie. I don't think you're a very ardent lover, you know.

Mereston

I'm sorry. What would you like me to do?

Lady Frederick

I should like you to make me impassioned speeches.

Mereston

I'm afraid they'd be so hackneyed.

Lady Frederick

Never mind that. I've long discovered that under the influence of profound emotion a man always expresses himself in the terms of the Family Herald.

Mereston

You must remember that I'm awfully inexperienced.

Lady Frederick

Well, I'll let you off this time – because I like your curly hair. [She sighs amorously.] Now for the delicate arch of my eyebrows. I don't know what I should do without this. I've got no eyebrows at all really… Have you ever noticed that dark line under the eyes which gives such intensity to my expression?

Mereston

Yes, often.

Lady Frederick

[Holding out the pencil.] Well, here it is. Ah, my dear boy, in this pencil you have at will roguishness and languor, tenderness and indifference, sprightliness, passion, malice, what you will. Now be very quiet for one moment. If I overdo it my whole day will be spoilt. You mustn't breathe even. Whenever I do this I think how true those lines are:

"The little more and how much it is.

The little less and what worlds away."

There! Now just one puff of powder, and the whole world's kind. [Looking at herself in the glass and sighing with satisfaction.] Ah! I feel eighteen. I think it's a success, and I shall have a happy day. Oh, Betsy, Betsy, I think you'll do. You know, you're not unattractive, my dear. Not strictly beautiful, perhaps; but then I don't like the chocolate-box sort of woman. I'll just go and take off this dressing-gown. [Mereston gets up.] No, don't move. I'll go into my bedroom. I shall only be one moment. [Lady Frederick goes through the curtains.] Angélique.

[The Maid enters.Maid

Yes, miladi.

Lady Frederick

Just clear away those things on the dressing-table.

Maid

[Doing so.] Very well, miladi.

Lady Frederick

You may have a cigarette, Charlie.

Mereston

Thanks. My nerves are a bit dicky this morning.

Lady Frederick

Oh, blow the thing! Angélique, come and help me.

Maid

Yes, miladi.

[She goes out.Lady Frederick

At last.

[She comes in, having changed the kimono for a very beautiful dressing-gown of silk and lace.Lady Frederick

Now, are you pleased?

Mereston

Of course I'm pleased.

Lady Frederick

Then you may make love to me.

Mereston

You say such disconcerting things.

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Well, Charlie, you've found no difficulty in doing it for the last fortnight. You're not going to pretend that you're already at a loss for pretty speeches?

Mereston

When I came here, I had a thousand things to say to you, but you've driven them all out of my head. Won't you give me an answer now?

Lady Frederick

What to?

Mereston

You've not forgotten that I asked you to marry me?

Lady Frederick

No, but you asked me under very peculiar circumstances. I wonder if you can repeat the offer now in cold blood?

Mereston

Of course. What a cad you must think me!

Lady Frederick

Are you sure you want to marry me still – after having slept over it?

Mereston

Yes.

Lady Frederick

You are a good boy, and I'm a beast to treat you so abominably. It's awfully nice of you.

Mereston

Well, what is the answer?

Lady Frederick

My dear, I've been giving it you for the last half-hour.

Mereston

How?

Lady Frederick

You don't for a moment suppose I should have let you into those horrible mysteries of my toilette if I'd had any intention of marrying you? Give me credit for a certain amount of intelligence and good feeling. I should have kept up the illusion, at all events till after the honeymoon.

Mereston

Are you going to refuse me?

Lady Frederick

Aren't you rather glad?

Mereston

No, no, no.

Lady Frederick

[Putting her arm through his.] Now let us talk it over sensibly. You're a very nice boy, and I'm awfully fond of you. But you're twenty-two, and heaven only knows my age. You see, the church in which I was baptized was burnt down the year I was born, so I don't know how old I am.

Mereston

[Smiling.] Where was it burnt?

Lady Frederick

In Ireland.

Mereston

I thought so.

Lady Frederick

Just at present I can make a decent enough show by taking infinite pains; and my hand is not so heavy that the innocent eyes of your sex can discover how much of me is due to art. But in ten years you'll only be thirty-two, and then, if I married you, my whole life would be a mortal struggle to preserve some semblance of youth. Haven't you seen those old hags who've never surrendered to Anno Domini, with their poor, thin, wrinkled cheeks covered with paint, and the dreadful wigs that hide a hairless pate? Rather cock-eyed, don't you know, and invariably flaxen. You've laughed at their ridiculous graces, and you've been disgusted too. Oh, I'm so sorry for them, poor things. And I should become just like that, for I should never have the courage to let my hair be white so long as yours was brown. But if I don't marry you, I can look forward to the white hairs fairly happily. The first I shall pluck out, and the second I shall pluck out. But when the third comes I'll give in, and I'll throw my rouge and my poudre de riz and my pencils into the fire.

Mereston

But d'you think I should ever change?

Lady Frederick

My dear boy, I'm sure of it. Can't you imagine what it would be to be tied to a woman who was always bound to sit with her back to the light? And sometimes you might want to kiss me.

Mereston

I think it very probable.

Lady Frederick

Well, you couldn't – in case you disarranged my complexion. [Mereston sighs deeply.] Don't sigh, Charlie. I daresay I was horrid to let you fall in love with me, but I'm only human, and I was desperately flattered.

Mereston

Was that all?

Lady Frederick

And rather touched. That is why I want to give a cure with my refusal.

Mereston

But you break my heart.

Lady Frederick

My dear, men have said that to me ever since I was fifteen, but I've never noticed that in consequence they ate their dinner less heartily.

Mereston

I suppose you think it was only calf-love?

Lady Frederick

I'm not such a fool as to imagine a boy can love any less than a man. If I'd thought your affection ridiculous I shouldn't have been so flattered.

Mereston

It doesn't hurt any the less because the wounds you make are clean cut.

Lady Frederick

But they'll soon heal. And you'll fall in love with a nice girl of your own age, whose cheeks flush with youth and not with rouge, and whose eyes sparkle because they love you, and not because they're carefully made up.

Mereston

But I wanted to help you. You're in such an awful scrape, and if you'll only marry me it can all be set right.

Lady Frederick

Oh, my dear, don't go in for self-sacrifice. You must leave that to women. They're so much more used to it.

Mereston

Isn't there anything I can do for you?

Lady Frederick

No, dear. I shall get out of the mess somehow. I always do. You really need not worry about me.

Mereston

You know, you are a brick.

Lady Frederick

Then it's all settled, isn't it? And you're not going to be unhappy?

Mereston

I'll try not to be.

Lady Frederick

I'd like to imprint a chaste kiss on your forehead, only I'm afraid it would leave a mark.

[The Footman comes in and announces Paradine Fouldes.Footman

Mr. Paradine Fouldes.

[Exit.Fouldes

Do I disturb?

Lady Frederick

Not at all. We've just finished our conversation.

Fouldes

Well?

Mereston

If any one wants to know who the best woman in the world is send 'em to me, and I'll tell them.

Lady Frederick

[Taking his hand.] You dear! Good-bye.

Mereston

Good-bye. And thanks for being so kind to me.

[He goes out.Fouldes

Do I see in front of me my prospective niece?

Lady Frederick

Why d'you ask, Uncle Paradine?

Fouldes

Singularly enough because I want to know.

Lady Frederick

Well, it so happens – you don't.

Fouldes

You've refused him?

Lady Frederick

I have.

Fouldes

Then will you tell me why you've been leading us all such a devil of a dance?

Lady Frederick

Because you interfered with me, and I allow no one to do that.

Fouldes

Hoity-toity.

Lady Frederick

You weren't really so foolish as to imagine I should marry a boy who set me up on a pedestal and vowed he was unworthy to kiss the hem of my garment?

Fouldes

Why not?

Lady Frederick

My dear Paradine, I don't want to commit suicide by sheer boredom. There's only one thing in the world more insufferable than being in love.

Fouldes

And what is that, pray?

Lady Frederick

Why, having some one in love with you.

Fouldes

I've suffered from it all my life.

Lady Frederick

Think of living up to the ideal Charlie has of me. My hair would turn a hydrogen yellow in a week. And then to be so desperately adored as all that – oh, it's so dull! I should have to wear a mask all day long. I could never venture to be natural in case I shocked him. And notwithstanding all my efforts I should see the illusions tumbling about his ears one by one till he realised I was no ethereal goddess, but a very ordinary human woman neither better nor worse than anybody else.

Fouldes

Your maxim appears to be, marry any one you like except the man that's in love with you.

Lady Frederick

Ah, but don't you think I might find a man who loved me though he knew me through and through? I'd far rather that he saw my faults and forgave them than that he thought me perfect.

Fouldes

But how d'you know you've choked the boy off for good?

Lady Frederick

I took good care. I wanted to cure him. If it had been possible I would have shown him my naked soul. But I couldn't do that, so I let him see…

Fouldes

[Interrupting.] What!

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] No, not quite. I had a dressing-gown on and other paraphernalia. But I made him come here when I wasn't made up, and he sat by while I rouged my cheeks.

Fouldes

And the young fool thought there was nothing more in you than a carefully prepared complexion?

Lady Frederick

He was very nice about it. But I think he was rather relieved when I refused him.

[There is a knock at the door.]

Gerald

[Outside.] May we come in?

Lady Frederick

Yes do.

Enter Gerald and Rose and the Admiral.

Gerald

[Excitedly.] I say, it's all right. The Admiral's come down like a real brick. I've told him everything.

Lady Frederick

What do you mean? Good-morning, dear Admiral.

Admiral

Good-morning.

Gerald

I've made a clean breast of it. I talked it over with Rosie.

Rose

And we went to papa together.

Gerald

And told him that I owed Montgomerie nine hundred pounds.

Rose

And we thought papa would make an awful scene.

Gerald

Raise Cain, don't you know.

Rose

But he never said a word.

Gerald

He was simply ripping over it.

Lady Frederick

[Putting her hands to her ears.] Oh, oh, oh. For heaven's sake be calm and coherent.

Gerald

My dear, you don't know what a relief it is.

Rose

I saw Gerald was dreadfully worried, and I wormed it out of him.

Gerald

I'm so glad to be out of the clutches of that brute.

Rose

Now we're going to live happily ever afterwards.

[All the while the Admiral has been trying to get a word in, but each time he is about to start one of the others has broken in.

Admiral

Silence. [He puffs and blows.] I never saw such a pair in my life.

Lady Frederick

Now do explain it all, Admiral. I can't make head or tail out of these foolish creatures.

Admiral

Well, they came and told me that Montgomerie had an I.O.U. of Gerald's for nine hundred pounds and was using it to blackmail you.

Fouldes

Is that a fact?

Lady Frederick

Yes.

Admiral

I never liked the man's face. And when they said his terms were that you were to marry him or Gerald would have to send in his papers, I said …

Fouldes

Damn his impudence.

Admiral

How did you know?

Fouldes

Because I'd have said it myself.

Gerald

And the Admiral stumped up like a man. He gave me a cheque for the money, and I've just this moment sent it on to Montgomerie.

Lady Frederick

[Taking both his hands.] It's awfully good of you, and I'm sure you'll never regret that you gave Gerald a chance.

Admiral

May I have a few words' private conversation with you?

Lady Frederick

Of course. [To the others.] Make yourselves scarce.

Fouldes

We'll go on the balcony, shall we?

Admiral

I'm sorry to trouble you, but it'll only take three minutes.

[Gerald and Rose and Fouldes go on to the balcony.

Lady Frederick

[When they've gone.] There.

Admiral

Well, what I wanted to say to you was this: I like Gerald, but I think he wants guiding. D'you follow me?

Lady Frederick

I'm sure he will take your advice always.

Admiral

It's a woman's hand that he wants. Now if you and I were to join forces we could keep him out of mischief, couldn't we?

Lady Frederick

Oh, I'll come and stay with you whenever you ask me. I love giving good advice when I'm quite sure it won't be taken.

Admiral

I was thinking of a more permanent arrangement. Look here, why don't you marry me?

Lady Frederick

My dear Admiral!

Admiral

I don't think an attractive woman like you ought to live alone. She's bound to get in a scrape.

Lady Frederick

It's awfully good of you, but…

Admiral

You don't think I'm too old, do you?

Lady Frederick

Of course not. You're in the very prime of life.

Admiral

There's life in the old dog yet, I can tell you.

Lady Frederick

I feel sure of that. I never doubted it for a moment.

Admiral

Then what have you got against me?

Lady Frederick

You wouldn't like to commit polygamy, would you?

Admiral

Eh?

Lady Frederick

You see, it's not a question of marrying me only, but all my tradespeople.

Admiral

I hadn't thought of that.

Lady Frederick

Besides, you're Rose's father, and I'm Gerald's sister. If we married I should be my brother's mother-in-law, and my step-daughter would be my sister. Your daughter would be your sister-in-law, and your brother would just snap his fingers at your fatherly advice.

Admiral

[Confused.] Eh?

Lady Frederick

I don't know if the prayer-book allows things like that, but if it does I think it's hopelessly immoral.

Admiral

Well, shall I tell them I've changed my mind and they can't marry?

Lady Frederick

Then there'd be no reason for us to – commit the crime, would there?

Admiral

I hadn't thought of that. I suppose not.

Lady Frederick

You're not cross with me, are you? I'm very much flattered, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Admiral

Not at all, not at all. I only thought it might save trouble.

Lady Frederick

[Calling.] Gerald. Come along. [They come in.] We've had our little talk.

Gerald

Everything satisfactory?

Lady Frederick

[With a look at the Admiral.] Quite.

Admiral

[Gruffly.] Quite.

Lady Frederick's Footman entersFootman

Captain Montgomerie wishes to know if he may see your ladyship.

Lady Frederick

I'd forgotten all about him.

Gerald

Let me go to him, shall I?

Lady Frederick

No, I'm not afraid of him any longer. He can't do anything to you. And as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter.

Gerald

Then I'll tell him to go to the devil.

Lady Frederick

No, I'm going to tell him that myself. [To the Footman.] Ask Captain Montgomerie to come here.

Footman

Yes, miladi.

[Exit.

Lady Frederick.

[Walking up and down furiously.] I'm going to tell him that myself.

Fouldes

Now keep calm, Betsy.

Lady Frederick

[Very deliberately.] I shall not keep calm.

Fouldes

Remember that you're a perfect lady.

Lady Frederick

Don't interfere with me. I ate humble pie yesterday, and it didn't agree with me at all.

[Footman enters to announce Captain Montgomerie, who follows him, and immediately withdraws.

Footman

Captain Montgomerie.

Captain Montgomerie

How d'you do.

[He is obviously surprised to see the others.

Lady Frederick

[Pleasantly.] Quite a party, aren't we?

Captain Montgomerie

Yes. [A pause.] I hope you don't mind my coming so early?

Lady Frederick

Not at all. You made an appointment for half-past ten.

Captain Montgomerie

I trust you have good news for me.

Lady Frederick

Captain Montgomerie, every one here knows the circumstances that have brought you.

Captain Montgomerie

I should have thought it wiser for both our sakes not to make them too public.

Lady Frederick

[Very amiably.] I don't see why you should be ashamed because you made me a proposal of marriage?

Captain Montgomerie

I'm sorry you should think it a laughing matter, Lady Frederick.

Lady Frederick

I don't. I never laugh at an impertinence.

Captain Montgomerie

[Taken aback.] I beg your pardon.

Lady Frederick

Surely the receipt of my brother's letter was sufficient answer for you. After that you must have guessed there was no likelihood that I should change my mind.

Captain Montgomerie

What letter? I don't understand.

Gerald

I sent you a note this morning enclosing a cheque for the money I lost to you.

Captain Montgomerie

I've not received it.

Gerald

It must be waiting for you at the hotel.

[Captain Montgomerie pauses and looks meditatively at the assembled company.Lady Frederick

I think there's nothing for which I need detain you longer.

Captain Montgomerie

[Smiling.] I don't think I've quite finished yet. Has it slipped your memory that the two bills fall due to-day? Allow me to present them.

[He takes them out of his pocket-book.Lady Frederick

I'm very sorry I can't pay them – at present.

Captain Montgomerie

I regret that I can't wait. You must pay them.

Lady Frederick

I tell you it's impossible.

Captain Montgomerie

Then I shall get an order against you.

Lady Frederick

That you may do to your heart's content.

Captain Montgomerie

You realise the consequences. It's not very nice to be an undischarged bankrupt.

Lady Frederick

Much nicer than to marry a rascally money-lender.

Fouldes

May I look at these interesting documents?

Captain Montgomerie

Certainly. [Blandly.] I haven't the least wish to be offensive.