Ouroboros or the world inside out

In the summer of 2023, after another unsuccessful attempt to build a relationship, I actively listened to online lectures by various psychologists, which led me to realize that all my problems stemmed from childhood.

Six months later, I suddenly realized that during those sleepless nights, which happened quite often, I was engaging in auto-aggressive attacks on myself for being the way I am and for my life being the way it is, rather than what it could have been if I had been different and acted differently in various situations.

At the end of June, I had a dream about a dragon-lizard, and I began to analyze my every emotion with the persistence of a gold digger who had stumbled upon a gold mine, constantly asking myself why I felt the way I did at any given moment.

Finally, in August 2024, I had a quite neutral dream in which I was walking home alone on the street in late fall. I woke up with an unpleasant feeling centered in the solar plexus area, which I recognized as a familiar oppressive longing. I habitually interpreted the dream as suppressed pain from loneliness. But as I analyzed my sensations, I suddenly realized that it was a feeling of hunger. Upon reflection, I concluded that the feeling of hunger and the feeling of loneliness and rejection in my psyche are so closely connected that they are, in fact, difficult to distinguish.

It was then that I finally decided to question my mother, despite her active protest. She reluctantly told me that, despite a normal birth, I was brought to her only after 10 hours. I was weaned at 9 months of age and sent to my grandmother's house in another city the same day. For the next few years, I saw my mother only twice a month on weekends. Thus, the meaning of the dream I had 5 years ago became clear to me! It was my mother who helped me understand why my psyche was organized in such a way, why I had been suffering from rejection and loneliness all my life, searching for situations where rejection would be overcome, making unsuccessful attempts to find a mate, and why I suffered from night hunger that I could not recognize and confused with loneliness.

I believe this anguish of mine comes from infancy when these feelings were triggered simultaneously – the baby was hungry if lying alone and feeling rejected. Accordingly, as an adult, at night I dream about hunger as anguish, and during the day I perceive anguish (each one has their own, for their lost “paradise,” for their illusory dream) as hunger. By satisfying hunger, we temporarily alleviate the longing. But since this feeling is immense, we have to eat a lot, and the effect of eating is short-term.

So why does this irrational feeling of anguish arise?

Essentially, loneliness/rejection and the resulting anguish is an infantile fear of starvation. “If I'm not alone, but with someone who loves me and doesn't reject me, that means they'll feed me, and I won't die” – that's what the infant thinks. This is what an infantile person thinks on a subconscious level. An adult can feed themselves; they are oriented to the real feeling of hunger and satisfy it. The infant is oriented to the feeling of loneliness as a fear of death and satisfies this feeling with the help of food, which is widely available and excessive in our time, or by constantly searching for a partner, and when a partner appears, by total fusion with them.

The anguish I experienced in the dream, which turned out to be physiological hunger, was very similar to the sensation that haunted me for many years in waking life and which I identified as pain from loneliness. This anguish stems from the combination in the infant psyche of physiological hunger and the feeling of rejection, frozen forever, like a gnat in amber, in the ouroboric structure. It is the anguish of the infant who has been expelled from the womb and deprived of the breast, that is, rejected. This infantile anguish arises from the impossibility of returning to the womb, where it was warm and nourishing, from the unrealizability of this illusory dream. Essentially, it is the consequence of auto-aggression, by which the person punishes themselves for rejection.

The ouroboric personality is always lonely because it lacks empathy, views others consumeristically, and cannot connect with anyone on a deep level, yet it suffers from loneliness. In short periods of love, anguish disappears, feelings burst into life, and there is a sense of reality, bringing the joy of being. But then inevitably comes alienation and coldness. And again, loneliness, and again, anguish.

This is why I identified my anguish, with which I began the narrative, as loneliness. I constantly need someone whose resources I can access, a partner through whom I will achieve my dreams, defeat loneliness, be loved and protected, and, on a deep unconscious level, return to the “fullness” of the illusory “paradise” of the mother's womb.

This universal anguish permeates the entire existence of the ouroboric personality and is weakened only when there is a chance to realize the illusory dream, i.e., when a “dream embodiment” appears.

The one who will achieve a dream

In the ouroboric structure, there is no love or empathy, but there is idealization and a desire to possess a person who seems (it is an illusion) to the actor as someone who can help achieve what is desired. This desired thing varies from person to person – love, fame, power, money, status, stability, relationships, family, health, children, etc. These desirable things are the components that make up the Reference Image. Personally, I have always dreamed of stability and high social status.

By its own internal logic, often superficial and nonlinear, the ouroboric person decides that a particular person is the right one to make their individual desire from a dream become a reality. And “love” arises, or rather its ersatz – idealization. A substitution takes place: the actor thinks they feel love or sympathy, but this feeling is a burning desire to possess the object (another person) for personal and undivided use, as if this will lead to the realization of a dream. The “incarnate” is idealized and depersonalized; details cease to be important and are eliminated from the assessment of the possibility of building a connection with this person. The illusory perception of this “embodiment of desires” prevents realistic evaluation. Everything boils down to one thing only – to get it, or rather, to get what you want by using this person. This is called “love” or “attachment,” hence all the “I cannot live without you!” Such phrases should be understood literally as: “I need you urgently because I think that with your help, I can finally escape the hell of ouroboric inferiority and unite with my Reference Image!”

If the reader is patient, they will soon understand everything about both “ouroboric inferiority” and the “Reference Image.” Describing a rigidly looped structure, which has neither beginning nor end, is like watching the TV series “Santa Barbara” from the hundredth episode – it will be easier to understand what you are reading about now after reading the next chapter. So, all this ouroboric sudden attachment is nothing but infantile manipulation, hidden from everyone, including the actor themselves.

The actor does not consider the possibility of achieving what they want through independent action or partnership, nor do they objectively assess the situation to conclude that their desire might be unattainable. All efforts are aimed at obtaining the “incarnator” and then “squeezing” the realization of their dream out of them. When this does not happen, disappointment sets in, accompanied by a mass of claims and offenses, and the idealized idol is thrown off the pedestal. It is as if the contract for the realization of the dream has not been fulfilled, and penalties must be collected from the negligent performer. The counterparty does not understand anything, neither the sudden love or affection at the beginning, which they take at face value, nor the claims later.

So it turns out to be: “I'll use you to piggyback ride into paradise,” or “I'll use your hands to pull chestnuts out of the fire”, “You will help me reach my beau ideal, and I will idealize you, praise you, obey you, please you, and be what I think you want me to be”.

If we want to free ourselves from this ouroboric captivity, we need to stop looking at other people as resources to be consumed. We must stop viewing those who have what we need, whether material or not, as very desirable to the point of trembling in our knees. We have to stop manipulating reality by keeping such a person close to us and forcing them to give us what we want.

As soon as there is a feeling that someone is “the one,” and we try to involve this person in our orbit and keep them there by any means, we enter the “eye of a needle” of an ouroboric dream – the trap has slammed shut. We are in illusion, and no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do for this person, no matter what role we play in our personal performance, nothing will work out.

This deep-seated hunger for a mother's breast, this primordial anguish, cannot be satiated by anything – neither food nor communication. Food may lead to obesity, and having a partner may lead to disappointment. If we form a couple to satisfy this hunger or anguish, we are bound to realize that the other person cannot fulfill it, leading to disappointment when they "promise but do not deliver".

I will revisit this topic when I discuss devaluation, as the mechanism of ouroboric falling in love is closely linked to the infantile personality's consumerist attitude towards others and life in general.

When an ouroboric personality is interested in someone, this interest is often presented with a sense of their own greatness. "I wanted it – you came to teach me. I will use you but idealize you for it – this is my payment to you. You are both the attendant and the ideal, while I am both the learner and the master".

Such manipulations cannot foster a trustful, empathetic communication because the counterpart will likely sense the manipulation and resist being used, especially if they have a realistic view of themselves and the other person. Fortunately, my friend eventually recognized the pathological nature of her infantile communication style, and we developed a comfortable relationship. While we may not be fully "grown up", we aspire to grow, with depth, mutual respect, and sincere empathy.

But if the manipulation is presented not as a display of greatness, but as sudden feelings from meeting someone, especially against the backdrop of loneliness and ouroboric anguish of the same infantile subject, the bait can be easily taken. Both parties may be drawn into a fascinating game of "dream come true," likely mutual, with an obvious sad outcome of mutual claims, as happened in my life. Many years later, after my divorce, I realized that this was the pattern I followed when I entered into marriage. I placed hopes for my future well-being on my husband, which he simply could not fulfill due to his personality traits, and then blamed him when things did not work out as planned.

In hindsight, it was clear from the beginning that this man would not be able to give me what I wanted from him; he simply did not have the capacity to realize my dreams. To be fair, my husband-to-be at that time also saw me as a "dream fulfillment person," which explains the sudden burst of love and hasty marriage. We both played this game with each other and paid for it with fifteen years of a painful marriage.

Such unconscious longing and loneliness may be the cause of eating disorders (ED), where eating helps to drown out not only hunger but also anguish (in my case, from loneliness). I think ED is a continuous loop in the ouroboric structure of auto- sado-maso: anguish → overeating → auto-aggression from being overweight → starvation → hunger → anguish.

At night, I can satisfy hunger (I started leaving a snack for myself on the nightstand next to my bed) – anguish is controlled. During the day, I can be aware of anguish – overeating is controlled. It is important to satisfy hunger quickly as it arises and not to eat when it is not there. It is necessary to restore the natural physiological regulation of eating behavior, without the impurity of psychological compulsions.

This anguish I have described is characteristic of every ouroboric personality; it is related to the unattainability of illusory dreams and is expressed in varying degrees – some stronger, some weaker. Therefore, people, in an attempt to drown out this feeling, are in constant communication or work. Stopping this activity can exacerbate the anguish, leading to an inability to be alone, without a date, or on one's own. I believe I suffered from the most severe form of this anguish, as it likely first visited me immediately after birth, influencing the formation of all subsequent psychological reactions. This feeling was solidified after repeated, albeit unintentional, rejection by my mother, laying the foundation for a relentless search for a partner who would give me the kind of love that doesn't exist between adults.

I can't and don't want to blame my mom for not loving me – the situation at the birth center had nothing to do with her; it was the system. Sending me to my grandmother was not a desire to get rid of me. From my mother's point of view, nothing special happened; she took me to her mother because her academic and maternity leave was over, and she had to return to school. The fact that I was without my mother and her breast, taken to people unfamiliar to me at the time – my own grandparents – did not embarrass anyone; it was common practice. In those days, maternity leave was short, and children were often given to nurseries or relatives because everyone had to work. My father's parents, with whom the young family lived, also worked and could not take care of me.

I ended up not in a five-day nursery but with loving people, and my mom visited as often as she could. The grandmother I spent my childhood with was a wonderful woman. However, she had a big house, a piglet, a cow, a vegetable garden, and she sewed to order, so she physically could not give me as much attention as I needed. There was nothing supernaturally traumatic about my childhood. Nevertheless, what there was, was enough to keep my psyche frozen in an infantile ouroboric structure with all its complexities.

As a newborn, I could not understand the peculiarities of obstetrics in the country where I was born. From the warm «paradise» of the womb, having gone through the pain and fear of birth, I found myself alone for 10 hours (an infinitely long time, probably seeming like forever), in the cold (it used to be 36.6°C all the time), and probably hungry (though I was fed, it was not the same as feeding through the umbilical cord). Just as a nine-month-old, I could not regard being sent to my grandmother's house as self-care. In one day, both my mom and her breast disappeared, and I found myself among people I had never seen before. I certainly perceived it unequivocally – as rejection.

In fact, that dream about visiting the past was literal – to return to the present, to reality, you have to make a journey back to the beginning of life. To your mother.

Chapter 2. Reference pattern. Full-value. Inferiority

In the distorted world of Ouroboros, happiness and unhappiness are defined differently than in the world of a psychologically mature adult. Splendor and superiority over others are seen as «happiness» and lead to euphoria, while feelings of inadequacy, arising from comparisons with those perceived as better, are seen as «unhappiness» and lead to despondency. For example, if I have a Mercedes-Benz and my neighbor has a Lamborghini, I feel wretched and unhappy. Conversely, if I have the Lamborghini and my neighbor has the Mercedes-Benz, he feels wretched, and I feel magnificent and happy.

This simple example illustrates the states between which an infantile personality endlessly oscillates. Such a person can only experience brief bursts of euphoria when someone perceived as worse is nearby. Sustainable mental comfort is unattainable because there is always someone perceived as better in some way (prettier, richer, smarter, more successful, talented, sexier, etc.).

A woman who cannot build a relationship, while others can, feels inferior. If she builds one in the future, she will feel complete and «happy». Another woman felt complete in the past when she had one healthy child. When a child was born who did not meet her expectations, she felt incomplete and longed for her past sense of completeness. The first woman dreams of a future where she feels complete, while the second woman constantly reminisces about her past completeness. Both punish themselves in the present for not being able to achieve their ideal state, which is the essence of auto-aggression. Since they feel incomplete now, they devalue themselves and everything around them, believing only completeness is valuable – this is the essence of devaluation. When the desired state is achieved, auto-aggression will cease, and anguish will recede. For the first woman, this is only possible in the future, and for the second, it was (or seems to have been) in the past. In the present, there is only auto-aggression and devaluation. This is how ouroboric inferiority is experienced.

The infantile personality cannot achieve stable inner full-value because it cannot connect with its reference pattern. However, the reference pattern existing in the psyche is supported by the illusion that it will eventually become a reality, leading to true, sustainable full-value. As long as this reference is not reached, which is always the case, the basic state of the ouroboric personality is inner inferiority. Against this backdrop of persistent inner inferiority, there are oscillations between ouroboric superiority and ouroboric vulnerability. Which state dominates at any given moment depends on who the individual compares themselves with – if they compare themselves with someone they perceive as worse, they feel superior; if they compare themselves with someone they perceive as better, they feel vulnerable.

For example, if a woman fantasizes about being beautiful, rich, having high social status, and being popular with men, her illusory dream will be to «own» a man of status and wealth who will fulfill all her desires, like a «goldfish». She believes that by uniting with this ideal self from her dreams, she will find inner full-value and become «happy». This woman will experience euphoria from receiving money, praise, attention, and sympathy, or even better, from falling in love with a high-status man. These experiences help her achieve a state of superiority, which her psyche labels as «happiness». What each person considers «happiness» depends on the ideal scenario of their life, i.e., their reference pattern.

In this example, «unhappiness» for the woman is labeled as rejection by a high-status person, loss of money, attention, or sympathy from someone who does not meet her status criteria, obvious loss in status and success to others, and aging. These experiences plunge her into vulnerability and distance her from her reference pattern. This is why there is often such an attachment to appearance – it is clear that a young and beautiful woman has more chances to attract the desired man, while an aging woman losing her beauty has fewer chances.

Both «happiness» and «unhappiness» are illusions. Everyone has their own illusion, their own idea of ideality, which defines what is considered «full-value» and felt as superiority and «happiness». At the other end of this axis is "inferiority," and everything that immerses one there is perceived as "unhappiness".

By understanding these states and what makes us feel euphoric or depressed, and therefore superior or vulnerable, we can recognize where the illusion lies and move out of it into reality. However, both euphoria and despondency can also be caused by something that exists in objective reality, making it difficult to discern whether what plunges us into these states is reality or illusion. A more sensitive criterion is the prick of envy. The person we envy possesses something we dream of, something that is part of our reference pattern, and we believe that by attaining it, we will become "happy".

If, after interacting with certain people, a person cannot regain their composure for a long time, they should consider the reasons for this state. It might be envy, indicating that "they have what I desire". However, it is important to understand that the component causing the jab of envy comes with its own past (chronic illnesses, losses, and hidden issues) and, most unpleasantly, unpredictable future problems. The immature personality wants to take from others only their dream, separating it from their reality. At the same time, when interacting with others who are «better» in some way, the individual tends to devalue everything they have, even though they may objectively have much more.

By tracing what leads to euphoria or despondency and by identifying the jabs of envy, we can realize our ouroboric illusory dream, our ouroboric inner full-value, our reference pattern, and our ouroboric inner inferiority. For example, an infantile owner of a new Mercedes-Benz may feel vulnerable if a Lamborghini owner lives nearby. This indicates that not only is "material welfare" built into their reference pattern, but to be happy, they must also "be better". When we learn to recognize that both ouroboric «happiness» and ouroboric «unhappiness» are components of the infantile personality structure, we can figure out how to break free from this cycle.

We need to relabel these illusory patterns of superiority and vulnerability in our consciousness – they should not be called "happiness/unhappiness," but rather "illusion of our own superiority/illusion of our own vulnerability".

Reference Pattern

How is the ouroboric dream formed, this mysterious reference pattern of the self and the world, upon the attainment of which ouroboric wholeness will come, and with which the infantile person constantly compares what is in reality? I believe it is formed throughout life under the influence of external circumstances, but the foundation is laid in early childhood. This reference pattern is a fantasy, assembled from parts similar to Lego construction pieces taken from different sets. The result is almost always meaningless and has little functionality in objective reality. The basic principle of forming this pattern is that it includes those elements that were lacking in the individual's life at various times. The most rigid constructions are formed if this lack occurred in early childhood, especially in infancy, when a person is inherently most vulnerable.

For example, if an infant was born to a cold and rejecting mother and did not feel loved, a detail called "Unconditional and Comprehensive Maternal Love" will be integrated into their reference pattern of «happiness». This is the kind of love the person will seek as an adult, without success, because such love is only possible between a sensitive mother and her newborn child and never occurs in normal adult relationships. This person will not be looking for a partner but for a replacement for the empathetic mother they lacked in childhood, who intuitively met all the needs of her baby.

Or, for example, if for some reason, an infant felt defenseless in childhood, a detail called «protection» will be integrated into their reference pattern. As an adult, this person will constantly seek external protection. If parents could not provide a stable environment during childhood, a detail called «stability» will be integrated into the reference pattern, and the person will perceive the absence of changes as "happiness".

However, since all these details – love, protection, stability, material welfare, beauty, etc. – formed the illusory reference pattern in the past, most often in childhood, they carry a childish, infantile vision of these concepts that have not undergone transformation. It is obvious that an infant and an adult understand concepts like love and stability very differently. A personality that has successfully passed all stages of psychological maturation changes its perception of these concepts. An adult will never be as defenseless as a newborn and, in most situations, can protect and provide for themselves. An infantile person, however, retains the notion of childish defenselessness in their reference pattern and seeks the kind of protection a child needs – comprehensive and often suppressive, as protection in childhood always involves a restriction of freedom.