Ouroboros or the world inside out

Having decided to share the experience of personal psychoanalysis, I initially wanted to lead the reader through this circle following me, focusing on my notes. However, I eventually abandoned this idea and will instead describe the components that make up the structure of the infantile personality, paying attention to the fact that everything in it is interconnected, has two opposites, and the whole structure has many degrees of protection from external influence.

We will consider the following blocks:

• Illusions: Beautiful dreams and terrible fears, what we take from the outside, transform in a certain way, and carry inside (import). Illusions form the basis of the structure of the Ouroboros.

• Full Value (ouroboric “happiness”, the embodied Reference Image) and Inferiority (ouroboric “unhappiness”): These are the two states of the infantile personality, the main character of the narrative – the actor. The actor strives to enter the first state but cannot get there, while they remain in the second state all the time.

• These states have manifestations – superiority and vulnerability – between which the actor oscillates on the outer circuit. The culmination of this oscillation cycle is the affect of superiority or vulnerability. This is what is translated from the inside to the outside.

Thus, illusions are imported, and the perception of reality altered by them is exported in the form of affects.

We will also consider the tools the ouroboric psyche uses to keep its structure intact:

• Aggression: External/internal (auto-).

• Devaluation of the true and idealization of the false.

Let's talk about the trigger mechanism of affect – comparison.

I would like to emphasize that the division into chapters is conditional, as this is a holistic, monolithic structure where each link is inseparably connected with others. This is clearly demonstrated in the scheme I developed while studying the phenomenon of Ouroboros.

Auto-aggression

Contrary to the traditional view that auto-aggression involves self-inflicted external injuries to the point of suicide, I think this is certainly true but extreme and not so frequent. Meanwhile, auto-aggressive attacks on oneself without obvious external signs occur almost constantly and are not identified by the personality as auto-aggression, and therefore cannot be brought into the zone of awareness and stopped.

Let’s take a step away from the prefix “auto-” and first figure out what aggression actually is. Defining this concept is hardly difficult – everyone knows it’s when fists come into play as a form of argument. It’s obviously unpleasant, even frightening, to find oneself on the receiving end of that kind of aggression.

There’s also passive aggression, something we’re equally familiar with: when, at the slightest misstep on our part, someone unleashes a flood of sarcastic reproaches in a specific tone. We call such people “toxic” and try to minimize contact with them, because we’re left feeling deeply uncomfortable – hurt, even – after such encounters.

Now, let’s bring back the prefix “auto-,” and we get the same thing, only directed inward, at ourselves. While physically hitting oneself is fairly straightforward to recognize as auto-aggression, passive auto-aggression – the kind where we speak to ourselves in a toxic manner after a failure – is rarely acknowledged as such. Even though we exhaust ourselves emotionally, we tend to interpret it as a bout of bad mood, sadness, anxiety – which we attribute to failures, conflicts, insomnia, or simply “getting up on the wrong side of the bed.”

But we almost never notice the connection:

A mistake → passive aggression directed at ourselves for that mistake → a result in the form of a cascade of negative emotional states.

At the beginning of the cycle of auto-aggression, the following happens: during any unpleasantness or conflict, a certain better version of oneself appears in consciousness. This version would certainly not have allowed it, could have done better, thought more clearly, said (or didn't say) the right thing, was on time, did everything correctly, remembered important details, replied with a sharp retort, and so on. This «better» version begins to reprimand and demand explanations from the «worse» version – the one that allowed it, couldn't do better, didn't think clearly, didn't say (or didn't say) the right thing, was late, made mistakes, forgot important details, responded meekly, and so forth.

These two personalities of one person engage in a tense internal dialogue in which one blames while the other tries to justify or blame someone else. In this dialogue, the «accuser» invariably uses question adverbs like why, how, what for, how much, etc., and the pronoun you. The «accused» constantly tries to humor or portray themselves as a victim of circumstances and attempts to answer these razor-sharp questions: "Why did you let this happen?", "How could you say that?", "How can you be such an idiot?", "Why did you buy that?", "How much can you eat at night?", etc.

The theme of the dialogue changes depending on what provoked the cycle's beginning, but its essence is always the same – the «accused» either committed a «crime» or failed to prevent it. This dialogue continues until either the «accuser» – this magnificent best version – gets tired or the «accused» – this complete loser – begins to show external signs of self-harm, such as crying, banging their head against the wall, or cutting their veins. Now it becomes clear what all these tears into the pillow and agonizing insomnia are about.

At the same time, both the «accuser» and the «accused» are the same person – our infantile actor. No, they're not crazy; they're just unhappy with themselves and want to fix themselves so that "it won't happen again". They want the Reference Image to be realized, but is that possible with such a ridiculous «performer»? Obviously, the accusing part of this personality is under an illusion about the real qualities of the «accused». In fact, it is under an illusion about itself.

For example, a woman might have a certain reference image of herself in her personality structure, where she is slender, wears beautiful clothes, is photogenic, and posts attractive photos on social media. This image seems quite realistic; there is nothing supernatural about it. However, it was formed some time ago without considering the peculiarities of her psyche, physiology, and current life conditions, making it illusory and detached from reality.

If she is overweight and cannot lose weight, such a woman, seeing her reflection in the mirror or after a heavy dinner, will engage in an internal dialogue similar to the one described earlier. She might call herself «fat» and accuse herself of "eating that piece of cake again" (which she believes she could have avoided). In this case, the «accuser» is under an illusion about her own willpower, the lack of which is the reason for her lack of results in the fight against excess weight, and which even earlier led to the gain of this weight.

If this hypothetical woman could realistically assess her willpower, she would accept the number on the scale and either stop torturing herself with attacks or work on this area constructively. However, this does not happen because the very act of auto-aggression, leading to the tears of the «accused» or an attack of dysphoria followed by affect (which we will consider later), is seen by the psyche as a sufficient result. Such a person is unlikely to lose weight naturally but is quite capable of feeding her own Ouroboros.

It is important to understand that the emergence of this second character marks the beginning of a cycle of self-dissatisfaction and subsequent self-aggression. The internal dialogue should be replaced by a monologue, removing the pronoun «you»: instead of "you ate a lot again, don't eat a lot," it should be "I ate a lot again, I won't eat a lot". This change eliminates the presence of two versions of oneself in one's consciousness.

I want to emphasize that the reason for such internal dialogue, and thus for an episode of auto-aggression, is not important. It can be anything, and if it is not found in the present, it will be found in the past. We are all familiar with the feeling of guilt. What matters is the presence of a large, auto-aggression-fed, and currently hungry Ouroboros in a person's psyche. I hope the reader understands that this is a metaphor; by Ouroboros, I mean not a literal lizard in our head, but the structure of an immature personality that produces dysfunctional behavioral patterns, including auto-aggression.

All of this means that if someone is alone in a room and feels like crying, it indicates that they are torturing themselves in a way that can no longer be tolerated, and they may not even recognize it.

In studying the phenomenon of auto-aggression, I realized that it is not linear; it has a multi-layered structure with many variations. I identified the following major layers of auto-aggression:

– overt (insomnia),

– hidden (longing),

– deep (unpleasant dreams),

– permanent – anxiety, which provokes an endless stream of consciousness,

– the sudden-appearing anxiety affect – the Catastrophizer.

And the versions of auto-aggression

manifested externally:

– suicide;

– damage to one's body – cuts, etc.;

– deliberately hitting yourself or objects;

– excessive tattoos and piercings;

– all addictions – drug, alcohol, food.

Hidden:

– internal dialogs with figuring out who is at fault;

– comparing oneself to others not in one's favor;

– punishing oneself by denying oneself pleasure, excessive self-saving;

– fatigue to the point of exhaustion;

– accidentally bumping into objects in known places.

It does not matter what form our auto-aggression takes in each particular case; it always starts with an internal dialogue. Often, this dialogue is not between the «best» and «worst» versions of ourselves, but between an infantile actor and the person with whom they had a conflict, such as a boss, spouse, or neighbor. The actor mentally tries to prove their rightness, primarily to themselves.

From the very beginning, I asked myself whether it is possible to defeat auto-aggression. I concluded that it is possible to significantly reduce its intensity by controlling the basis of the ouroboric structure – illusions. And that is very good news.

And now the bad news: the structure of the infantile personality makes it almost impossible to engage with reality. As long as there is a devaluation of the true, there will inevitably be an idealization of the false, i.e., an illusory reference image of oneself. This leads to auto-aggression for not conforming to this image, accompanied by self-imposed pressure to get closer to it and find «happiness» – to reach one's infantile «paradise». Yes, reality destroys illusion, the basis of the whole structure, but illusion resists destruction.

Illusion is seductive: in the illusion about oneself, one is great, omnipotent, clever, sought-after, and witty. In reality, a person is simply who they truly are. Reality is an exile from paradise; it requires concentration and is energetically costly. It is difficult for a person to be in the present moment, in the "here and now". It is challenging to exist without a "stream of consciousness" – that endless sleep of the mind where fragmentary thought-forms constantly replace each other, like Brownian motion. Reality demands productive thought, but the infantile brain desires rest; it wants to «sleep» and dream illusory dreams of its own greatness. Again, the illusion, and again the longing for the reference image, believing that connecting with it will bring ouroboric «happiness». For the infantile personality, at a deep subconscious level, this is an aspiration to the infantile paradise of the mother's womb, where everything is provided, and nothing needs to be done.

Thus, it turns out that the more we engage with reality, the less we are influenced by illusions and the Reference Image, and consequently, the less auto-aggression we experience. Deprived of self-nourishment, Ouroboros decreases in size relative to the psyche, and – completing the circle – auto-aggression decreases.

We have demonstrated this proposition: reality stops auto-aggression, or at least significantly reduces it. It's complex, I must admit. But let's try to understand it in detail.

A person spends an overwhelming amount of time in thoughts that are far removed from where their body is. The mental eye sees illusory pictures of the past or fantasies about the past, the future, or things read, heard, or seen once. However, what is happening at the current moment often goes unnoticed. Sight seems to serve merely to avoid collisions with obstacles. People mostly see their mental pictures and hear their inner dialogues. Meanwhile, thoughts, like a balloon on a long string, constantly drift into fantasies, news, or other geographies, depending on the whims of the mind. These thoughts lack weight and sense.

In this endless illusory marathon of thoughts, the main theme is self-importance and rightness – repeating or reliving successful moments and reimagining unsuccessful ones with better outcomes. These thoughts confirm one's coolness and charisma or, in case of failure, inferiority – attempting to replay or sadistically picking at wounds. Almost always, we live in a separation of mind and body. There seems to be no escape from this as thoughts keep slipping into imagined superiority over others. Reality is often perceived as boring and uninteresting. This may be due to self-devaluation – I am not interesting; real life is not interesting – but in the mental distance beyond the clouds, I am great and beautiful.

In this case, the separated body is like a house without a roof – gradually collapsing due to inadequate sensory control. If thoughts are combined with the body in the present moment, both illusory superiority and vulnerability disappear, leaving only reality. When thoughts and body are connected, the system becomes functional; thoughts gain weight, and the body gains control and regulation.

The body given to us at birth is our highest value. It is only with the help of our body that we can do anything. Yet, the body is often maximally devalued. Remember how ashamed Adam and Eve were of their bodies after eating that ill-fated apple? It often seems that our bodies are mistakes; however, there will never be another one like it. Therefore, we must treat it with maximum tenderness and care.

Nevertheless, the infantile personality abuses its body through overloads, improper nutrition, sleep deprivation, etc. Lack of communication with the body leads to ignoring its voice. And the body responds with pain. These are all auto-sadistic moments within auto-aggression. The outcome is natural – the body first hurts and then gets sick.

So, disease arises:

– as a consequence of auto-aggressive attacks on one's psyche, manifesting through psychosomatics;

– as a result of sadistic but unconscious attacks directly on the body through overload, deprivation of rest, exposure to risk, improper nutrition, and direct poisoning by alcohol, smoking, or drugs;

More often than not, both factors are combined and completely unrecognized by the individual. The connection to the body is lost because an overwhelming amount of time is spent outside of that connection – in the past, in the future, in fantasies and plans, in the news, and in other people's lives.

To regain this connection, one should spend more time where the body is physically located – in reality – listening to it and integrating into consciousness all the signals sent to the brain by the senses. I believe that staying in reality, identifying and controlling the “stream of consciousness,” and stopping internal accusatory dialogues are what effectively stop auto-aggressive manifestations. Practicing these skills is necessary, and you need to start now!

Anxiety

A person may be given a long and happy life without shocks and losses, but if they are anxious and depreciating, they will live this life unhappily, constantly worrying about the future and devaluing the present. The expectation of unhappiness is actually unhappiness – one experiences similar emotions. When they look back in old age, they will think: “Where was life itself? I didn't live at all”. So, the reward of a peaceful life can be poisoned by the venom of Ouroboros, because anxiety spoils the happiest life with the expectation of trouble, and devaluation turns it into “nothing.”

So, what is anxiety? I think it is defenselessness against the pressure of external reality. This pressure is the same for everyone, but some people feel it as excessive – it seems so to them. Apparently, this is an echo of the instability and unpredictable behavior of significant adults in childhood. Such people look at the world through the prism of illusion, where absolute happiness, peace, and security are perceived as the norm – this is the state of a baby in the womb. Anything that differs from this state of infantile “paradise” shifts the psyche into the area of fear. “What if I can't handle the pressures of reality?” – “Disaster will happen”.

A person who feels the excessive pressure of reality will feel defenseless and therefore anxious and will look for protection externally. However, any source of that protection will be felt as pressuring. Thus, for someone seeking a protector, the situation will probably be worsened by the fact that, in addition to the pressure of the outside world transforming into anxiety, the pressure of the protector will appear. A paradox arises, in which the defense only increases the pressure, and thus anxiety. A vicious circle is formed: anxiety → search for a protector → increased pressure → increased anxiety. The protector will seem to be an authoritarian, freedom-restricting, rejection-inducing mentor. Therefore, if a person seems controlling, we need to examine whether we depend on them totally, strongly, or at least in some way. If we do, then perhaps it seems to us that they only press us. If we do not, then apparently this person is like that, and it is worth limiting communication with them. The only effective way to reduce anxiety and external dependence is to seek protection and support within ourselves.

An accumulation of anxiety leads to an anxiety affect that I have named the Catastrophizer. I will discuss the Catastrophizer in detail in the chapter about illusions because it is entirely deceptive. For now, I will only say that the Catastrophizer is the most severe form of anxiety and, accordingly, auto-aggression, with the longest trail. In this state, it is impossible to think productively; the flow of dragging dialogues cannot be stopped. There is a feeling of stupor, as the Catastrophizer cuts off access to reality, forcing you to sink deeper into illusions, watch TV series, and flip through news feeds to distract yourself from fear.

Ouroboros, our purveyor of illusions, has many faces, and it is not easy to defeat him. The battle is not for life, but for death, and it is necessary to keep track of all the various tricks by which he can instantly turn from a cute lizard into an all-devouring dragon. Anxiety is another such trick because it increases the “stream of consciousness,” which indicates the intensification of illusions. And where illusion is activated, auto-aggression is invariably activated.

In auto-aggression, there is no exit to reality – it is an enclosed space where the personality beats itself up. If one traces the moment of appearance of this inner “aggressor” in consciousness – the moment when reality does not correspond to illusion – then there is a chance to stop, by an effort of will, the mental dialogue that has begun. If this is not done, then the sense of reality will be lost, and one will have to go through the whole cycle of ouroboric affect.

Thus, auto-aggression arises from the impossibility of reaching the ouroboric “paradise” – an illusory dream of an ideal life, i.e., from the impossibility of uniting with one's Reference Image. Anxiety arises from the prospect of reaching the ouroboric “hell.” The argumentation of the Ouroboros, which inspires us with both illusory dreams and illusory fears, is similar – “look at others – see, they got…” and further depends on the context of a particular illusion:

To “paradise,” i.e., they've fulfilled their dreams, live happily, are rich and famous, or

To “hell,” meaning they've had a catastrophe, lost everything, which means you have a chance to fulfill your “dream” or face “disaster.”

So, it doesn't matter whether we dream or worry, auto-aggression will always happen in the end.

Insomnia

If we pay attention to ourselves, we will realize that at the moment anxiety intensifies, the flow of thoughts increases significantly. If we try to trace the direction of this flow, we will find that it is directed towards the negative. Mentally, we are constantly replaying probable unpleasant scenarios and trying to prevent their realization. But all this is completely pointless – it is not a plan of deliverance, but an agonizing merry-go-round on which the consciousness tries to find a way out of a situation that does not even exist in reality.

I mentioned that my path to understanding my psychological processes began with one sleepless night. But I had countless such nights, often having difficulty falling asleep and frequently waking up at night, only to fall asleep again 10 minutes before the alarm clock.

Now I'm awake, lying down. The apartment and the street are quiet; nothing frightening is happening, and yet I can't fall asleep. What's stopping me? It is this continuous flow of disturbing thoughts, these agonizing dialogues in my head that hinder me. They create that inner noise that wakes up the brain, not allowing it to sleep. Just when I am about to fall asleep, suddenly some thought comes again, and the brain starts working idly, trying to solve a non-existent problem. I shared my thoughts on this matter with a friend, and this is what she said:

“I have not thought about it before, but now I think we are trying to get rid of unnecessary noise, such as the importance of silence at home. It is important to remove visual noise – no shouting objects or mess – so that the eye can rest. And thoughts are the same noise. They disturb us greatly and make us tired”.

I know how difficult insomnia is and how many different medical preparations and systems are created to combat it. But try, when going to bed or waking up at night, to stop the stream of consciousness by an effort of will. Try not to think about anything, focusing on your own breathing. You will not notice how you fall asleep. At least for me, this method was the most effective.

Anguish

I wrote earlier that the bulk of my emotional discomfort was caused by difficulties in personal communications, lack of stable attachment, and bouts of hard-to-control anguish.

A bit of chronology: In the summer of 2019, I had a very vivid, incredibly realistic, and therefore well-remembered dream. I was approaching my entryway and felt uncomfortable because the door looked different from what I was used to – it was wooden and without an intercom, like those from Soviet times. I went inside and saw different railings, elevators, and paint on the walls. Everything indicated that this was the past, around the mid-70s. I went up to my floor, approached the door of my apartment, and realized that nobody knew me there. The first owners, still young, lived there, and there was no point in talking to them. I went downstairs, walked towards the neighboring house, and tried to figure out what to do because I had no documents, no money, and no idea how I got there or how to get out. Besides, my son was waiting for me in the present and probably wouldn't wait for me, so I had to warn him that I wouldn't come home. I took out my phone, dialed my son's number, and he answered. I said, “Sonny, I'm in the past and I don't know how to get back". At that moment, the phone in my hands turned to dust. I tried to figure out what to do and concluded that the only person who could help me was my mother. I needed to get to Minsk, find our house near Station Square, and I thought I could recognize it in my dream. I realized that she wouldn't believe me because I was 45, her daughter was about 2–3 years old, and she herself was about 25. I also realized that I knew the past and the future and could convince her that I was her grown-up daughter. And we would find a way out. That's when I woke up. I was surprised by this dream but generally didn't give it much thought.