The Affair

Me and my friends spent most of our time hanging out in Eva’s garage. We’d made it really nice in there with a couple of old sofas and big fleecy throws so it was all cosy. Sometimes it was just us girls, but mostly it was the boys too – and when I say boys, I mean boys. Everyone was getting excited about the Halloween party Eva was planning for her sixteenth, and I wanted to get excited about it too, but part of me didn’t want to be around them any more. It was when I complained that the boys in our year were all lame that Eva came up with this stupid idea about inviting people from sixth form. If Liam was anything to go by, sixth formers weren’t exactly mature either.

It had really got to me that he had called me a little girl. It was so annoying because I didn’t want him to see me that way. That’s why I went on the pill.

It was so horrible when Mum tried to talk to me about it. Like I was going to tell her I’d already been to the doctor. And, oh my God, it was so disgusting when she just assumed I was thinking of going with Linus. As if! OK, we’d hung out together over the summer and we’d snogged a bit, but I never once said I was his girlfriend. It makes me cringe, thinking about all that fumbling around we did. I wanted something else. I wanted someone else and going on the pill was me being mature. I was getting prepared. I wanted to show him I wasn’t a silly little girl.

I should say now, in my defence, that I still wasn’t sure I’d actually do it, even if he wanted me to. Mum had said she trusted me and, for a split second, I honestly thought she did, but in the next breath she was having a rant about my schoolwork, which only proved she didn’t really.

It was so unfair because I was keeping up at school. I’m not totally irresponsible. Maybe I could have focused more, but if Mum thought forcing me to stay at home and take on extra lessons was going to solve my problems, well, it turns out that was so the wrong thing to do. Everyone was trying to fix things and it was laughable. They didn’t have a clue what was going on, none of them did, not Mum, not my friends and definitely not Mrs Anwar, who invited herself along to the meeting with Mr Swift.

‘Do you know why we’ve asked your mum to come in, Scarlett?’ Mrs Anwar said.

I was tempted to make some smart remark, but I bit my tongue and shrugged. She was sitting on one side of the table next to Mr Swift, while me and Mum sat on the other. It was a wonder my chair wasn’t smaller than everyone else’s so they could all look down on me. It was actually funny because I was taller than Mum and Mrs Anwar, and it was only Mr Swift who was on my level.

Mrs Anwar shuffled through a pile of papers in front of her and turned a couple around so Mum could read them. I didn’t need to, the sheets were covered in my writing with comments from teachers in red ink.

I still didn’t get what all the fuss was about and said, ‘I got a B for that one.’

‘And a C for the other one,’ Mr Swift said. ‘And for some of our students that would be a pretty decent result, but not for you, Scarlett.’ He dug out another test paper further down in the pile. ‘This is the kind of result you were getting last year.’

Mum leant forward to read the grade. ‘An A-star.’

‘And there are plenty more where that came from,’ he said. ‘Just not this year.’

‘I’ve only been back five minutes,’ I said. ‘I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal of it.’

‘Don’t you?’ Mr Swift asked.

I held his gaze so he knew I wasn’t a pushover, and then I bit my lip just to make him feel uncomfortable. It might have worked if he hadn’t turned to look at Mum.

‘We might only be halfway through the first term, Mrs Thomas, but soon there’ll be no new learning as we switch focus to revision and mock exams, and after that it’s the real thing. There’s only a small window of opportunity to get Scarlett back on track.’

‘What do we need to do?’

‘We can draw up a revision plan together,’ Mrs Anwar said. ‘It will help Scarlett organize her time better, as well as giving you an idea of the amount of effort she should be putting in.’ She turned to give me a smile. ‘We’re not suggesting you’re in trouble, Scarlett – far from it. You’re one of our best students and we want you to get the most out of the next few months so that you achieve the results we all agree you deserve.’

‘Thank you,’ Mum said, when I just sat there gritting my teeth.

‘As well as the revision plan,’ Mrs Anwar continued, ‘Mr Swift has offered to give you extra support. That could simply be checking with you regularly to make sure you’re keeping to the plan, but if you’re stuck on a particular subject, he can arrange for you to get support from specific teachers. He’s also kindly offered to give you extra revision sessions after class so you can continue to prepare for your exams in a school environment.’

‘Does that sound OK to you, Scarlett?’ Mr Swift asked. He was the only one to notice that I hadn’t actually agreed to anything yet. ‘If we can get started straight away, you’ll have a schedule to work to over half-term.’

I was still playing it cool and shrugged.

‘Great, that’s exactly what I like to see,’ Mr Swift said, rubbing his hands together, ‘a student who’s raring to go.’

‘We can only make suggestions, Scarlett,’ Mrs Anwar said. ‘It’s you who has to knuckle down and do the work.’

‘So?’ Mum asked me.

‘Can I think about it?’

Mrs Anwar looked as if she were about to explode, but Mr Swift played me at my own game. ‘Yes, of course you can, Scarlett,’ he said. ‘For all of fifteen seconds and then you’re on your own.’

‘And the longer it takes for you to get this sorted,’ Mum added, ‘the longer you’ll be grounded. It would be a shame if you missed Eva’s birthday party.’

‘OK, fine!’ I said and glared at Mr Swift when I added, ‘I’ll do anything you want!’

There was a sigh from Mum. ‘I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for,’ she told him.

In a funny sort of way, I was up for the challenge. I’d started playing men at their own game. I’d had enough of feeling uncomfortable about the way they all looked at me. I hadn’t realized that if I returned that look I could turn them into quivering wrecks. That way I could have them eating out of my hand. All of them.

7

The Accusations

When Freya came into their bedroom in the early hours of the morning, Vikki didn’t complain for once. She didn’t want to lie in bed pretending to be asleep while her husband lay next to her doing the same, but as she went to pull back the covers, Rob jumped up.

‘It’s all right,’ he said, ‘I’ll see to her.’

Freya had climbed on to the bed and kissed Vikki’s cheek. ‘Me watch Peppa Pig with Daddy. You go sleep now, Mummy.’

Vikki closed her eyes, but the moment she heard Rob and Freya reach the bottom of the stairs, she let out a sob and had to press the back of her hand against her mouth. What had got into her? What was she so afraid of?

Ignoring her daughter’s instructions, Vikki sat up and rubbed angrily at the tears she didn’t want to fall. After everything they had been through recently, they were meant to be rebuilding their lives. Why couldn’t she do that instead of looking for faultlines? She had the best family, the best husband she could hope for. Why did she suddenly doubt everything? Did she really think there was a problem between her and Rob, or was she imagining it? It had been tough on both of them when she had spent so much time with her mum, but that had only made them appreciate each other more. Hadn’t it made them stronger? It had definitely made Vikki stronger.

Wrapping her arms around herself, Vikki attempted to pull her life into focus, but her eyes settled on Rob’s mobile phone on the bedside cabinet. She reached for it without hesitation and quickly tapped out four digits before she had a chance to stop herself. She half expected Rob’s old passcode to be rejected. It wasn’t, and a second later the screen lit up.

Vikki had never checked Rob’s phone before, or at least not without his knowledge. She had answered it often enough when he was driving, and occasionally had a sneaky peek at his messages, commenting on how often Mrs Anwar contacted him and suggesting the Head of School had a crush on him. But Rob deserved her complete faith and she hated herself for what she was doing. She hated herself more when she skimmed through a list of messages that revealed absolutely nothing to justify her doubts. Rob appeared to be more popular with PPI firms and mobile phone providers than he was with real people. A couple of teachers had been in touch and there were a handful of messages from pupils he had given his number to, kids who had needed extra support during the year, but none of these made her stomach lurch; none had been from Scarlett.

A creak on the stairs gave her a start and she almost dropped the phone as she closed it down and put it back where Rob had left it. By the time he came into the bedroom, she was curled up in bed with her eyes tightly closed.

She heard him pick up his phone before whispering, ‘I’m making a cuppa if you want one?’

It was a gesture of kindness that Vikki didn’t deserve and tears threatened again. Rather than look at him, she buried her head in her pillow to wipe her eyes. ‘I’m going to grab a shower first,’ she said, pulling herself up and managing to avoid eye contact.

Rob was more interested in his phone than his wife’s odd behaviour and said, ‘OK, see you in a bit.’

Vikki turned towards Rob and watched him disappear out of the room. There had been a time when she would have felt a physical ache whenever they were apart, and she knew Rob had felt the same. She didn’t feel it now; in fact, she was looking forward to time on her own once Rob had set off for work. Was that just growing up and growing used to someone, or was this the problem she had been searching for? When was the last time Rob had ached for her, and what had he done when she hadn’t been there to satisfy his needs?

8

Before

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Vikki linked arms with Rob as he pushed Freya’s buggy along a winding country road. She liked the feeling of completeness it gave her. ‘I’ve missed this,’ she said, and was surprised to hear a catch in her voice. She had been staying at her mum’s for the best part of a month and while she and Rob had tried to see each other every day, sometimes that hadn’t been possible for one reason or another. Weekends were easier and she intended to keep Rob with her for as much of this Sunday as she could.

‘It’s not like we were ever in the habit of going for country walks,’ Rob replied.

‘You know what I mean. I’ve missed this,’ she said, giving his arm a squeeze. ‘I’ve missed doing stuff together. I’ve even missed having you looking over my shoulder to check what I’m buying when we go food shopping.’

‘Is that all you’ve missed?’

She squeezed his arm again. ‘Of course not.’

‘No, I didn’t think so,’ Rob said and gave a soft chuckle. ‘If only Mrs Anwar knew what we get up to when I sneak off for an early lunch.’

Rob had continued to refuse to stay over at her mum’s, and their sex life might have suffered if it wasn’t for their furtive meetings during the day while Freya was at nursery. ‘It won’t be for ever,’ she said.

‘I know and, if I’m honest, I quite like our little trysts. It reminds me of the old days.’

She smiled at the memories Rob was evoking. When they had first started dating, they had enjoyed a certain thrill in meeting up in secret. ‘Shall we do it again? How about tomorrow?’

‘It’s a date,’ he said.

They had strayed down one of the narrow lanes that criss-crossed the countryside around her mum’s house, not giving much thought to which direction they were going, or so it seemed.

‘We can’t be too far from the old Ellison House,’ she said.

Rob kissed the top of her head. ‘Shall we see if we can find it?’

Vikki was too young to remember the last time the Ellison House had been open to the public. An entrepreneur had taken it over in the nineties with the intention of transforming it into an adventure playground, but he had run out of money before it had a chance to take off. Rob had fond memories of the place and had taken Vikki to show her the tree where he had fallen off a rope swing and broken his leg. The site had been cleared by that point and the house boarded up, and so they had come up with some adventures of their own making.

The bridle path Rob was convinced led to the house wasn’t one in regular use and even if they weren’t pushing a buggy, Vikki and Rob would have struggled to make their way through overgrown bracken and layers of crisp autumn leaves that hid a slimy rotten layer beneath.

‘This is too hard and I’m getting blisters,’ Vikki complained. ‘Can we go back, please? I think Freya’s about to drop off anyway.’

Freya had been walking with them at first, insisting she was a big girl now and didn’t need her pushchair, but as Rob had predicted, her short legs had grown tired. She was sitting happily enough in the buggy and they hadn’t heard a peep out of her for the last five minutes.

‘I suppose,’ Rob said, taking one last look to see if he could spy the memories he wasn’t quite ready to release. He was about to turn the buggy around when he stopped and did a double take. ‘Hold on, isn’t that a chimney stack?’

They persevered down the path a while longer and found themselves on the outer edges of the long-abandoned park. There were signs of what had once been a clearing in front of the old house, although the tender saplings Vikki recalled from earlier visits had become more established.

‘Fancy taking a closer look?’ Rob asked as he glanced back to make sure she was following.

By the time they reached the dilapidated driveway of the old Victorian house, Freya was fast asleep. They left her buggy close to the wire-mesh fencing panels that guarded the perimeter of the abandoned house before squeezing between two sections so they could take a closer look. The metal shutters on the doors and windows were corroded but intact, and prevented unwelcome visitors from getting any further.

‘It hasn’t changed, has it?’ Vikki said.

Rob slipped his arms around Vikki’s waist. ‘Ah, but have you?’

In the next moment, he had her pressed up against a nearby wall beneath a rambling wisteria. When they kissed, she felt herself falling back in time. ‘Rob, we can’t,’ she whispered.

‘That’s not what you used to say,’ Rob said and kissed her again.

‘We didn’t have Freya with us then. What if she wakes up and sees us?’ she said when she could draw breath.

Rob’s movements slowed as he began unzipping her padded coat. ‘Does that mean you want me to stop?’

Vikki closed her eyes and groaned softly as Rob kissed her neck. She tried not to think of their little girl only feet away as Rob began undoing her jeans. She searched for a gap in his jacket so she could reach inside.

‘This is what you’ve missed,’ he said as he yanked down her jeans and knickers at the same time before pushing her against the wall. She cried out before she could stop herself as her bare bottom made contact with the ice-cold brick wall.

‘Mummy!’ cried a sleepy Freya.

Rob and Vikki let out matching sighs of frustration.

‘Told you,’ she said.

‘God, I miss you,’ he whispered softly. His hand was between her legs and he waited until she gasped before he stepped back.

‘We can pick up where we left off tomorrow,’ she promised, but Rob had already turned away and slipped back through the fence. Fumbling with her clothes, Vikki was eager to follow, calling after him. ‘Rob?’

He seemed not to hear as he rocked the buggy to soothe Freya back to sleep. When she reached his side, she whispered, ‘I’ll be home soon.’

‘So you keep saying. I’m starting to think you don’t want to come back, Victoria.’

‘Of course I do!’ she hissed. ‘But I have to make sure Mum gets well enough to face the chemo. You want that too, don’t you?’

Rob lowered his head when he said, ‘Sorry, I’m being selfish, aren’t I?’

‘You really think I don’t want to come home?’

Rob gave a vague shake of the head rather than answer as they walked away from the house.

‘I suppose Mum is managing much better on her own now,’ Vikki said when the silence became unbearable. ‘And Lesley’s insisting on dropping by most days, even though we haven’t got any holiday bookings coming up.’

‘It’s your decision, Vikki. You know I’d never push you into doing something you didn’t want to.’

They were walking down the country lane that would take them the long way back to her mum’s. It was easier than tackling the bridle path again, but now it was the choice Rob was giving her that Vikki was struggling with. Her pulse raced as she prepared to tell him that she would come home, now, today, but the words wouldn’t come. She kept thinking about her dad. Vikki had never had the chance to say goodbye to him, and he had been on his own when he collapsed. She couldn’t leave her mum to the same fate.

They walked for a while without speaking, Rob waiting for her to decide, Vikki wishing she didn’t have to. ‘Are you OK?’ she asked eventually, although what she had wanted to ask was, were they OK.

Rob sounded so dejected when he said, ‘I thought it would be nice to have you home for half-term, that’s all.’

‘I want to be home by then too. I want us to take Freya trick-or-treating on Halloween. We can carve pumpkins and eat all her sweets for her own good,’ she said, a bit too brightly. ‘I’ve already got outfits for me and Freya. I made them myself. Mum’s been nagging me for ages to learn how to sew and she’s turning me into a proper little housewife, Not that there’s anything proper about my outfit. I’m going to be a wicked witch. A very naughty wicked witch.’

Rob was smiling when he said, ‘You drive me crazy, do you know that? As if I’m not missing you enough as it is. Still, don’t worry about me, I’m sure I’ll get used to being without you. Who knows? I might not want you back.’

Vikki refused to be taken in by Rob’s brave words: he couldn’t live without her. ‘I love you, Rob, and I hate this as much as you do, but—’

‘But what?’ he asked sharply. In a lower voice, he added, ‘I can’t help thinking you’re actually as desperate as I am to get back home. Is this your way of getting me to be the bad guy and tell your mum? I’m sorry, Vikki, but I can’t do that. For what it’s worth, I think it would be the right thing to do and I’ll support you all the way, but you have to be the one to talk to her.’

As Rob picked up his pace, Vikki trailed behind and didn’t catch up until they arrived back at her mum’s house. They found Elaine in the living room, snoozing with a magazine on her lap. She held her body in an awkward position with the left side of her chest looking almost concave compared to her right breast. Vikki knelt down beside her and squeezed her hand.

When Elaine peeled open her eyes and realized she had not one but two onlookers, she immediately shifted up in her chair and pulled back her shoulders. ‘Sorry, I must have dozed off. Do you want some tea?’

Tears were stinging Vikki’s eyes. ‘Mum, I’ve been thinking—’

‘Vikki, maybe now’s not the time,’ Rob interjected; he had remained at the door. ‘Let’s leave it.’

Elaine looked at them both in turn. ‘Leave what?’

Vikki had spent the last ten minutes walking in silence and rehearsing what she was going to say to her mum. She didn’t know how to deal with this latest turn of events. ‘I miss being at home, Mum. I miss being with Rob,’ she blurted out in the hope that either her mum or her husband would reach the right conclusion for her.

‘And I’ve had you to myself for far too long,’ Elaine said, giving her daughter’s hand a squeeze. ‘I can manage on my own, of course I can, and the sooner you go, the sooner I can prove it to you all.’

‘You don’t have to do this, Elaine,’ Rob said. ‘I can manage perfectly well at home in my little bachelor pad.’

‘Can you now? I’d say that’s all the more reason for your wife to go back home.’

‘Mum—’

Elaine didn’t let her daughter finish. ‘Go home, Victoria, and look after your family. You don’t know how lucky you are to have a husband who loves and supports you. Don’t take that for granted, not ever.’

Tears stung Vikki’s eyes. Why did everything have to be so complicated? She didn’t want to leave her mum to fend for herself. She was terrified of losing her, but now there was a new fear, one that she had never considered before. What if there was a risk of losing her husband too?

‘Go home,’ Elaine repeated.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

When Rob lifted himself off her and collapsed on to the bed, Vikki turned on to her side and let her body meld into his, her spine curving against his chest so they were in perfect symmetry. It was moments like this that proved they were made for each other. Rob would look after her and love her for ever, like he promised he always would. When he slipped an arm around her waist, the warmth of his breath on the back of her neck sent a delicious shiver down her spine.

‘God, Vikki, you’re wearing me out,’ he whispered in her ear. ‘It’s a good job I’m not in school this week.’

She smiled as she pushed her bottom against him in the safe knowledge that her husband was completely spent. ‘When I suggested we should have an early night,’ she said, ‘I did actually mean so you could catch up on your sleep.’

‘Yeah, sure you did.’

Since Vikki’s return home, she and Rob had been behaving like honeymooners, but after ten days even Vikki’s youthful athleticism was no match for her husband’s needs. That evening she would have been more than happy to simply go to bed to sleep, and it was what she was desperate to do now, but Rob began nibbling her earlobe.

‘I was thinking,’ he said.

‘Thinking what exactly?’

‘Have you given any more thought to going back to work?’

Her eyes felt heavy, but the very mention of finding a job piqued her interest and staved off sleep. She had been idly surfing the net over the last few days, searching for vacancies even if she wasn’t quite ready, or able, to commit to anything yet.

‘I keep looking, but only out of curiosity. I wouldn’t dream of applying for anything until Mum’s finished all her treatment. But I will,’ she added, and she was hopeful. Her mum had had her first round of chemo earlier that week and they were both surprised by how well she had dealt with the toxic chemicals that had been pumped into her system. The doctors had warned Elaine that it might take a week to recover from what would be three weekly cycles for the next three months. Everyone reacted differently apparently and there was likely to be a cumulative effect, but if this first round was anything to go by, then Vikki was hoping her mum would be one of the lucky ones.

Rob kissed her neck. ‘But you do want more kids, don’t you?’

‘Eventually,’ she whispered, although, if she were being honest, it was something she was happy to put off for as long as possible.