The Affair

Vikki’s mum was technically middle-aged, but only just, and she was both flattered and annoyed whenever people refused to accept that she was a grandmother. Her husband, who had passed away four years earlier, had been much older and Elaine’s youthfulness had been a sensitive issue for her. Despite the teasing, she didn’t mind getting old, certainly not as much as Rob did. She loved being a grandmother, and that was something Vikki was counting on as she let the waitress take their orders before dropping the first suggestion about her plans.

‘I’ve seen a couple of jobs I think I’m going to apply for, Mum. It’s only general admin work, but it’ll give me a chance to get my brain back into gear.’

‘Oh.’

‘I keep telling Vikki she’s selling herself short,’ Rob said when Elaine offered no further response. ‘Anyone can see she does a brilliant job of looking after Freya, and me too. I’m sure she thinks that because she isn’t earning a wage she doesn’t contribute to the household. Your daughter’s too proud for her own good.’

‘But with Freya starting pre-school, I thought that’s what everyone expected me to do,’ Vikki said.

Before answering his wife, Rob shared the briefest look with Elaine. ‘I support you one hundred per cent, Vikki,’ he said, ‘but I don’t want you to feel pressurized into going out to work. I know we had this vague plan about you restarting a career, but plans can change. You shouldn’t feel obliged.’

Vikki wasn’t sure she did feel obliged. She liked the idea of finding a job that would take her interests beyond home, although, if she were being honest, she didn’t exactly have a career path in mind. She wasn’t even sure how employable she would be these days, which was why she needed someone to give her that final push. Rob was being too nice about it, and that was why she had raised the subject in front of her mum.

Her parents had had their hearts set on Vikki going to university after her A levels, and had only agreed to her taking a gap year because she had found herself a job she loved with a local estate agent. The gap year turned into two, and marriage and motherhood followed in quick succession, putting an end to her plans for university and her job, but Elaine still had ambitions for her daughter – it was what her late husband would have wanted and her support was assured.

‘I’d only need to find a childminder for the afternoons, if I needed to …’

Vikki let her words trail off deliberately. This was where her mum was meant to speak up. It wasn’t as if Elaine hadn’t already hinted that she would be willing to take care of Freya if ever Vikki were ready for a career. Except, now that Vikki was ready to accept such an offer, her mum remained silent on the subject.

‘Honestly, Vikki, now isn’t the time,’ Rob said, rather harshly, which made Vikki feel all the more confused. She didn’t know what she had done wrong.

Elaine searched under the table for her bag and grimaced as she picked it up. ‘Here you go, Freya, look what I brought for you.’

All eyes turned to the little girl who had inherited Vikki’s curls. Freya’s eyes lit up when she spied the colouring book. ‘Me draw smiley faces now.’ The three-year-old reached out and wrapped her hand around an orange crayon but when Elaine moved closer to help, Freya shook her head. ‘No, Daddy do it.’

Rob was more than willing, if only to dodge the awkwardness of the conversation mother and daughter were avoiding.

‘Where is that waitress?’ Elaine asked, and a moment later cursed under her breath. ‘Oh good lord, is that Sarah Tavistock? That’s all I need.’

Vikki twisted in her seat to get a better look. Fortunately, the group of diners who had caught their attention were too involved in their own conversations to realize they were being watched. Vikki had briefly attended the same gym club as Sarah’s daughter, Charlotte; although the age difference meant they had never been friends, Charlotte’s parents were hard to forget.

‘I had a letter from the planning department the other day,’ Elaine said. ‘Her company’s bought the land directly opposite the house and she wants to build on it.’

The house in question was the home Vikki’s parents had bought on the outskirts of Sedgefield when her dad had taken early retirement. Combining his skills as an architect and her mum’s love of home-making, they had converted an old outbuilding into two holiday cottages; the intention was that this would provide enough income to allow them to take life at a slower pace. Unfortunately their plan for a perfect semi-retirement had lasted less than twelve months. Without warning, her father had collapsed and died from a massive heart attack, leaving his family bereft. It was an unspoken truth that Vikki and Rob’s decision to have a baby had been a reaction to the family’s loss. Freya’s arrival was by no means an attempt to fill the void in their lives, but she had given them all a new focus, her mum included.

‘Build what?’ asked Vikki.

‘Houses.’

Vikki watched as Elaine rearranged the cutlery in front of her, having decided there was no further discussion necessary.

‘And you’re not bothered about it?’

‘There’s not a lot I can do, Vikki.’

‘Have you seen the details? Do you know what the plan is?’ Vikki asked. Her alarm was magnified by the lack of response from her mum.

‘It’s a small development of luxury family homes.’

‘How small?’

‘Sixteen houses.’

‘Someone wants to build a housing estate opposite your countryside cottages, and you’re not bothered? Dad would have had a fit! He would be camping out on the site in protest until they changed their minds. Dad would—’

‘Your dad isn’t here!’

Elaine’s raised voice drew Freya’s attention away from the picture of a clown she and her daddy had been colouring in. She frowned until her grandmother gave her a reassuring smile, but when Freya returned to her drawing, Rob’s attention remained with Vikki and Elaine.

‘Fine,’ Vikki said, folding her arms across her chest and doing her best not to pout like a petulant child. ‘You might not want to do anything about it, but I will. I’ll start a campaign.’

‘Don’t, Vikki,’ Elaine said quietly. ‘Now isn’t the time, trust me.’

‘How can it not be the time?’ Vikki asked. ‘If there’s a planning application then there’ll be some sort of time limit for you to object.’

‘Please, Vikki,’ Rob said as he leant over to touch her hand. ‘Even if you did know how the planning process worked, do you really think it would do any good? People like the Tavistocks always get their way.’

‘We’ll see about that. Maybe I should go over there now and have a word with them,’ Vikki said. Wanting to be taken seriously, she moved as if to get up, but they all knew she would never have the nerve to confront the Tavistocks. Rather than look at Rob or her mum as she settled back in her seat, Vikki cast a withering look in the Tavistocks’ direction, only to lock eyes with the young girl seated at the table. Even from a distance, Vikki could see the look of alarm on her face when she realized she was being watched, and they both dropped their heads.

‘Oh great, today’s just getting better and better,’ Rob muttered before adding, ‘See that young lady over there pretending not to be looking at us? She’s in my form and there’ll be hell to pay in class tomorrow. I wouldn’t put it past her to take a photo of the balloons and plaster it all over Facebook. If she hasn’t already.’

For the remainder of the meal, they all did their best to ignore the other diners. They kept to safe topics of conversation to smooth over Vikki’s spat with her mum, but an awkwardness persisted. After the main course had been cleared away, Rob made an excuse to leave the table, but before he left, he placed a hand on Elaine’s shoulder. They shared one last look which filled Vikki with a horrible sense of foreboding.

‘What’s going on, Mum?’

Elaine was playing with her napkin and wouldn’t meet her daughter’s anxious gaze. ‘I want you to know that I would love nothing more than for you to have a successful career one day, Vikki. You’re a very capable young woman, and stronger than you give yourself credit for.’

‘But?’

‘Look what I did, Nanna,’ Freya said, waving her latest work of art in the air.

When Elaine looked back up, Vikki was shocked to see tears welling in her eyes. ‘Mum? Please tell me what’s wrong.’

‘What’s wrong, Nanna?’ Freya repeated. She had picked up on the anxiety in Vikki’s voice and copied the frown that had appeared on her mother’s brow.

Elaine stroked the side of Freya’s cheek, making the little girl giggle, but the smile on her own face was heavy with sadness. ‘I found a lump,’ she whispered. ‘Under my armpit.’

A cold chill ran through Vikki’s veins, but her expression remained fixed. She wouldn’t let her fear show. ‘Have you seen a doctor?’

‘Yes.’

‘And?’

Rubbing her shoulder, Elaine said, ‘When I went to visit friends last week, I wasn’t exactly being honest. I was in hospital having a biopsy.’

‘Oh, my God,’ Vikki said softly and resisted the urge to put her hands over her ears. ‘It’s cancer, isn’t it?’

‘It’s been caught at an early stage,’ Elaine told her, ‘and it’s nothing I can’t handle, I promise, Vikki.’

‘But …’ Vikki said, looking around the restaurant and wondering why no one else was reacting to this earth-shattering news. She searched for Rob, wanting him back at her side so he would tell her how they were going to deal with this, and that was when a thought struck her. ‘Does Rob know?’

‘Yes, he does. I had to put someone down as my next of kin and we both wanted to spare you the worry until we knew the results.’

‘You should have told me.’

‘I wanted to protect you – isn’t that what every mother does? It was Rob who insisted I tell you today, but I so hate spoiling his birthday.’

Vikki fought off the urge to rush into her mum’s arms and release the sobs burning her throat. ‘What happens now?’

‘I’m waiting on a date for the mastectomy, which shouldn’t be too long. The consultant is keen to operate as soon as possible.’ Leaning over to her daughter, Elaine stroked her cheek as she had done with Freya, but couldn’t raise a smile so easily. ‘It’s going to be OK, sweetheart. I’m going to be fine and so are you.’

Vikki nodded obediently as everything began to make sense; her mum’s reaction to the new housing development; the reluctance to look after Freya; not to mention Rob’s lacklustre response to her ideas about going back to work lately. In the space of one meal, her whole life had been turned upside down, and they hadn’t even had dessert yet. Any minute now, a waiter would arrive with the birthday cake Vikki had ordered as a surprise, complete with the requisite number of candles. Rob would hate the fuss, especially with one of his students looking on. She had made a stupid mess of it all, as usual, and now she couldn’t stop the tears slipping down her cheeks. Her mum was wrong about her being strong. She wasn’t even good at pretending.

Tuesday, 15 Sept 2015

Vikki was kneeling against the back of the sofa as she looked out of the window with her chin resting on her hands. She was peeking through a gap in the vertical blinds so she had a good view of the empty space on the driveway next to her Corsa. From the corner of her eye, she could see Freya mimicking her, although her little girl had to stand rather than kneel to see out of the window.

‘Where’s Daddy?’ Freya said with a whimper. They had been waiting for at least ten minutes and the toddler had lost patience after the first two.

‘He’ll be home soon,’ Vikki said, and not for the first time. She was getting impatient too.

‘No, tell Daddy to come home now,’ Freya insisted as her cupid’s bow lips began to tremble.

Turning her head towards her daughter, Vikki felt some of the tension that had been building over the last week or so slip away. Becoming a mother at twenty-one had been overwhelming and still was, but she would love and protect Freya until her dying day, just like her own mother had always done with her, and please God, would continue to do.

When Vikki’s lip began to quiver too, Freya asked, ‘Mummy want a cuddle?’

‘Yes, please.’

Vikki held back the tears and began blowing raspberries against Freya’s neck.

‘We do tumbles now, Mummy?’ Freya asked when their giggling subsided.

Vikki narrowed her eyes. ‘Let’s see if you can do this,’ she said and shuffled backwards to give herself enough space. In one flowing move, she was standing on her head, her back brushing against the sofa cushions and her legs pointing to the ceiling. Using one hand to keep her balance, Vikki helped Freya into a vaguely similar position.

Despite being out of practice and out of shape, Vikki held her position with relative ease while the little girl toppled over and tried again. There had been a time when Vikki thought she might have made a half-decent gymnast, but her dad had convinced her that her greatest potential lay in academia. She had achieved success in neither, and as Vikki considered what a disappointment she would be to her dad now, she failed to notice Rob’s old Ford Focus pulling up outside, or hear the clatter of keys being dropped on the radiator shelf by the door.

‘Don’t you think you’re a bit too old for that?’

‘Daddy!’

Freya tumbled off the sofa, tipping Vikki over in the process as she ran into Rob’s open arms. Vikki got to her feet and waited patiently with her arms behind her back until Rob had balanced Freya on his hip and beckoned her towards him.

‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, stepping over so he could wrap his free arm around her. ‘And I’ll have you know there are top gymnasts who are my age and still winning gold medals.’

‘For balancing upside down on the sofa? I dread to think what Freya will be telling her nursery teachers about your antics,’ he said, before giving her a curious look. ‘And what’s with all the makeup?’

‘I’ve got to keep up with the other mums on the school run.’

‘Don’t be silly, you don’t need to compete. You’re leagues above them all.’

Vikki wasn’t convinced. She might be younger than a lot of the other mums, but for the last three years she had felt frumpy. She didn’t know any of the others particularly well, and she desperately wanted to fit in. ‘I wanted to make myself feel good, that’s all,’ she said.

He kissed the top of her head, ‘Especially today of all days,’ he said. ‘How are you doing?’

She could only shrug. ‘How was your day?’

‘Still getting to know my new form,’ he said, scrunching his nose. ‘It’s not easy when most of them are counting down to leaving in the summer. I would have much preferred Year 7s.’

‘It only proves what faith Mrs Anwar has in you,’ she said. She would never get used to calling the head by her first name; Nadia Anwar had been deputy head when Vikki had attended Sedgefield High, and she still felt like a student whenever she was in her company.

‘I suppose,’ Rob said. ‘She’s certainly set me a challenge, although I think I’ve got a couple of allies in class who will keep the rest in check.’

‘I bet you have them wrapped around your little finger.’

When he kissed her again, his daughter demanded attention. ‘Frey-ya too,’ she said and planted a sloppy kiss on her daddy’s lips.

‘Hmmm, blackcurrant-flavoured.’

‘My juice!’ Freya cried and began wriggling until Rob put her down. She raced back to where she had abandoned her sippy cup on the windowsill.

Rob took the opportunity to pull Vikki closer. ‘If you won’t tell me how you’re doing, maybe you could tell me how your mum got on.’

‘The operation went well,’ Vikki said, surprised that her voice could sound so matter of fact. Everything had happened in a blur and Vikki almost wished Rob and her mum had kept their secret that bit longer. She would happily trade blissful ignorance for sleepless nights and restless days, and today had been the worst so far. ‘I’ll find out more later, but the nurse I spoke to said something about the surgeon taking more surrounding tissue than they were planning.’

‘That might be a good thing, less chance of leaving anything nasty behind.’

‘But longer for Mum to recover from the operation,’ Vikki said. ‘She’s going to struggle on her own for a while.’

‘Is there any chance Lesley could help out more?’

Lesley was a friend of her mum’s who helped out with the holiday cottages during the busy season. She would do all she could, but it wouldn’t be enough. Besides, it wasn’t the suggestion Vikki had wanted Rob to make.

‘I doubt it, she has so many other jobs to juggle.’ Vikki clung tighter to Rob, as if it would squeeze the correct response from him.

When she bit her lip, he must have guessed what she was after. ‘If you’re asking if you should stay with her when she gets out, then say it, Vikki.’

‘No, I don’t want to leave you. Unless you could come with us …’

‘The three of us in one bedroom and your mum in the room next door? What do you think?’

‘If I did go, it wouldn’t be for long, maybe just a week,’ she said.

Rob didn’t look completely convinced. ‘But are you sure you could cope with looking after your mum, and Freya too?’

‘I … don’t know. But I’d hate to look back and regret not helping her more.’

The only time Vikki and Rob had spent apart since they were married had been following her dad’s death. She had gone to stay with her mum for a couple of weeks under the guise of offering support, but it had been Vikki who had needed her mum as much as anything, and Rob had probably been relieved that someone else had to cope with her bawling her eyes out every two minutes. Vikki wasn’t so sure she would cope any better now, and from the look on Rob’s face, he was thinking the same.

Rob’s body sagged a little when he sighed. ‘Yes, of course you should stay with her.’

His answer should have made Vikki feel relieved, but she burst into tears. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, burying her face in Rob’s shoulder. ‘I’m a rubbish wife and a rubbish daughter.’

‘Of course you’re not. You’re doing amazingly well,’ he whispered. When her sobs subsided, he lifted her chin so she was looking directly at him. ‘I won’t say I’m not going to miss you, but stay as long as you need. Don’t worry about me.’

‘Are you sure?’ she asked, and with one small hiccup, swallowed the last of her tears.

‘Yes, Vikki, whatever you want. You’re the boss as always. I’m yours to command.’

She gave him a tentative smile. ‘In that case, do you think you could do something else for me?’

‘Hmm,’ he said, raising his eyebrows. ‘What are you after now, Victoria?’

‘I’ve had a go at writing something and I need you to check it for me.’

Rob laughed. ‘That wasn’t exactly the suggestion I was expecting,’ he said. ‘What is it?’

‘An objection to Sarah Tavistock’s planning application,’ she said, and then, seeing Rob’s expression, added, ‘Will you look at it? Please, Rob.’

‘But why bother? Elaine doesn’t think it’s worth it, especially now you know all the details.’

Vikki’s original assumption had been that the land in question was in the green belt and should be protected. She had been dismayed to discover that it was classed as a brownfield site and had been in industrial use up until fifty years ago. It had been an old pottery and when the buildings had been demolished, the land had been soiled over rather than cleared, which explained why it had been left fallow for so long. The new plans included the removal of all the industrial waste, which would actually improve the land.

‘I still want to try. It’s what Dad would expect one of us to do, and obviously Mum’s not up to it. So will you?’ Vikki asked again.

‘OK, OK, if it keeps you out of trouble.’

When Vikki hugged Rob tightly his hands moved gently over her hips and bottom.

‘So there was something else you were after,’ he said in a hushed tone.

Sex couldn’t be further from Vikki’s mind, but she responded by pushing herself against him. ‘I love you,’ she told him.

‘And I love you,’ he replied, before pulling away with a groan. Freya had been watching them quietly. ‘But I’m afraid some of your particular gratifications are going to have to wait until bedtime, or this one’s bedtime at least.’

Despite the shadows hanging over her, Vikki felt a small sense of victory as she watched Rob scoop Freya up into his arms.

Scarlett

I remember the first time I realized exactly what effect I had on him. No way was I expecting him to, you know, get excited and I swear I didn’t know what to do. When I think back, it was so embarrassing. I was such a child.

Mum had dragged us out for Sunday lunch with her friends Sarah and Miles. I didn’t want to go, but sometimes it’s just not worth the argument. I was the youngest there, so obviously they all treated me like a kid. Miles actually asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.

When – I – grew – up?

I’d already grown up, for God’s sake, and I’m pretty sure he’d noticed. Sarah definitely had. She made some comment about everyone looking while I was putting on my lip gloss in the restaurant, as if I hadn’t worked that out for myself.

Anyway, after our main course, I sneaked off to the Ladies so I could put on more lip gloss without Sarah’s bitchy comments, and after that I went outside to escape for a while. The restaurant backed on to the canal and had an outdoor dining area, but it was teeming down so luckily it was deserted.

I stayed close to a wall that had an overhanging roof to give me some shelter, and the sound of the rain hammering against the tiles was so loud I didn’t hear him come outside, not until he’d sneaked up next to me.

‘Looking for an escape route?’

I was looking out over the canal, watching it trembling in the rain. I was trembling almost as much, if I’m being honest, and I wouldn’t look at him when I said, ‘You too?’

‘Yeah, this kind of thing is my idea of hell. I could do with a stiff drink.’

‘So could I,’ I said. OK, maybe I was only trying to sound older, but I really could have done with a drink.

‘It’s school tomorrow.’

‘Don’t remind me.’

‘Your schooldays will be over before you know it, Scarlett. And in spite of all the stress with exams, I bet it’ll be one of the best years of your life. It was for me.’

‘You can remember that far back?’

He laughed. ‘You’re growing up fast, aren’t you?’

It was a comment I’d heard loads of times, usually from older men who were staring at my boobs, but he just looked out across the water. I can remember wanting him to look at me. I took a deep breath so my chest would stick out more, and made a pout. ‘Who says I’m not already?’

‘Fed up being treated like a child?’

‘Or ignored completely. Everyone’s too busy worrying about Liam.’

‘Oh, you’re not ignored, Scarlett.’

‘You think? For the last hour it’s been all about Liam and how he should get out more. I’m sure Mum thinks he’s going to hack into some government network from his bedroom and bring the country down. Either that or she’s worried he’ll never leave home and she’ll be stuck with him for ever.’

‘He’ll be fine.’

‘I know he’ll be fine,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘The point is I don’t care.’