PS, I Love You

‘No, no, nothing strange. Everything is ticking over as normal.’ He took a sip of tea, then a while later added, ‘Nothing startling either, for that matter. I just thought I would pop in and say hello while I was in the area.’

‘Ah, right. It’s unusual for you to be over this side of the city,’ Holly laughed. ‘What brings you to the dark and dangerous world of the north side?’

‘Oh, you know, just a little business,’ he mumbled to himself. ‘But my car’s parked on the other side of the river, of course!’

Holly forced a smile.

‘Just joking,’ he added. ‘It’s just outside the house … It will be safe won’t it?’ he asked seriously.

‘I think it should be OK,’ Holly said. ‘There doesn’t seem to be anyone suspicious hanging around the cul-de-sac in broad daylight today.’ Her humour was lost on him. ‘How’s Emily and Timmy – sorry, I mean Timothy?’ An honest mistake for once.

Richard’s eyes lit up, ‘Oh, they’re good, Holly, very good. Worrying, though.’ He looked away and surveyed her living room.

‘What do you mean?’ Holly asked, thinking that perhaps Richard may open up to her.

‘Oh, there isn’t one thing in particular, Holly. Children are a worry in general.’ He pushed the rim of his glasses up his nose and looked her in the eye. ‘But I suppose you’re glad you will never have to worry about all this children nonsense,’ he said, laughing.

There was a silence.

Holly felt as if she had been kicked in the stomach.

‘So have you found a job yet?’ he continued on.

Holly sat frozen on her chair in shock. She couldn’t believe he had had the audacity to say that to her. She was insulted and hurt and she wanted him out of her house. She really wasn’t in the mood to be polite to him any more, and certainly couldn’t be bothered explaining to his narrow little mind that she hadn’t even begun looking for a job yet as she was still grieving the death of her spouse – ‘nonsense’ that he wouldn’t have to experience for another fifty years or so.

‘No,’ she spat out.

‘So what are you doing for money? Have you signed on the dole?’

‘No, Richard,’ she said, trying not to lose her temper. ‘I haven’t signed on the dole. I get widow’s allowance.’

‘Ah, that’s a great, handy thing, isn’t it?’

‘Handy is not quite the word I would use. Devastatingly depressing is more like it.’

The atmosphere was tense. Suddenly he slapped his leg with his hand, signalling the end of the conversation. ‘I better motor on so and get back to work,’ he announced, standing up and exaggerating a stretch as though he had been sitting down for hours.

‘OK then,’ Holly was relieved. ‘You better leave while your car is still there.’

Once again her humour was lost on him as he was peering out the window to check.

‘You’re right; it’s still there, thank God. Anyway, nice to see you and thank you for the tea.’

‘You’re welcome, and thank you for the orchid,’ Holly said through gritted teeth.

He marched down the garden path and stopped midway to look at the garden. He nodded his head disapprovingly and shouted to her, ‘You really must get someone to sort this mess out,’ and drove off in his brown family car.

Holly fumed as she watched him drive away, and banged the door shut. That man made her blood boil so much she felt like knocking him out. He just hadn’t a clue … about anything.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

‘Oh, Sharon, I just hate him,’ Holly moaned to her friend on the phone later that night.

‘Just ignore him, Holly. He can’t help himself, he’s an idiot,’ she replied angrily.

‘But that’s what annoys me even more. Everyone says he can’t help himself or it’s not his fault, but he’s a grown man, Sharon. He’s thirty-six years old. He should bloody well know when to keep his mouth shut. He says those things deliberately,’ Holly fumed.

‘I really don’t think he does, Holly,’ Sharon said soothingly. ‘I genuinely think he called round to wish you a happy birthday …’

‘Yeah! And what’s that about?’ Holly ranted. ‘Since when has he ever called round to my house to give me a birthday present? NEVER! That’s when!’

‘Well, thirty is more of a big deal than any other—’

‘Not in his eyes it’s not! He even said so at dinner the other day. If I recall, his exact words were,’ she mimicked his voice, ‘I don’t agree with silly celebrations blah blah blah I’m a sap blah blah blah. He really is a Dick.’

Sharon laughed at her friend sounding like a ten-year-old. ‘OK, so he’s an evil monster of a being who deserves to burn in hell!’

Holly paused. ‘Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Sharon …’

Sharon laughed. ‘Oh, I just can’t please you at all, can I?’

Holly smiled weakly. Gerry would know exactly how she was feeling, he would know exactly what to say and exactly what to do. He would give her one of his famous hugs and all her problems would melt away. She grabbed a pillow from her bed and hugged it tight. She couldn’t remember the last time she had hugged someone, really hugged someone. And the depressing thing was that she couldn’t imagine ever embracing anyone the same way again.

‘Helloooo? Earth to Holly? You still there or am I talking to myself again?

‘Oh, sorry, Sharon, what did you say?’

‘I said have you given any more thought to this karaoke business?’

‘Sharon!’ Holly yelped. ‘No more thought is required on that subject.’

‘OK, calm down, woman! I was just thinking that we could hire a karaoke machine and set it up in your living room. That way, you’ll be doing what he wants minus the embarrassment! What do you think?’

‘No, Sharon, it’s a great idea but it won’t work; he wants me to do it in Club Diva, wherever that is.’

‘Ah! So sweet! Because you’re his disco diva?’

‘I think that was the general idea,’ Holly said miserably.

‘Ah! That’s a lovely idea, although Club Diva? Never heard of it.’

‘Well, that’s that settled then. If no one knows where it is, then I just can’t do it, can I?’ Holly said, satisfied she had found a way out.

They both said their goodbyes but as soon as Holly had hung up, the phone rang again.

‘Hi, sweetheart.’

‘Mum!’ Holly said accusingly.

‘Oh God, what have I done now?’

‘I received a little visit from your evil son today and I’m not very happy.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, dear, I tried to call you earlier to tell you he was on his way over but I kept getting that bloody answering machine. Do you ever turn your phone on?’

‘That is not the point, Mum.’

‘I know, I’m sorry. Why, what did he do?’

‘He opened his mouth. There lies the problem in itself.’

‘Oh no, and he was so excited about giving you that present.’

‘Well, I’m not denying the fact that the present was very nice and thoughtful but he said some of the most insulting things without batting an eyelid!’

‘Do you want me to talk to him for you?’

‘No, it’s OK; we’re big boys and girls now. But thanks, anyway. So what are you up to?’ Holly was anxious to change the subject.

‘Ciara and I are watching a Denzel Washington film. Ciara thinks she’s going to marry him someday,’ Elizabeth laughed.

‘I am too!’ Ciara shouted in the background.

‘Well, sorry to burst her little bubble but tell her he’s already married.’

‘He’s married, honey,’ Elizabeth passed on the message.

‘Hollywood marriages …’ Ciara mumbled.

‘Are the two of you on your own?’ Holly asked.

‘Frank is down the pub and Declan is at college.’

‘College? But it’s ten o’clock at night!’ Holly laughed. Declan was probably out somewhere doing something illegal and using college as an excuse. She didn’t think her mum would be so gullible to believe that line, especially after having four other children.

‘Oh, he’s a very hard worker when he puts his mind to it, Holly. He’s working on some project. I don’t know what it is; I don’t listen half the time.’

‘Mmm,’ Holly replied, not believing a word of it.

‘Anyway, my future son-in-law is back on television so I must be off,’ Elizabeth laughed. ‘Would you like to come round and join us?’

‘Thanks but no, I’m OK here.’

‘All right, love, but if you change your mind you know where we are. Bye, dear.’

Back to her empty, silent house.

Holly woke up the next morning still fully dressed and lying on her bed. She could feel herself slipping into her old habits again. All her positive thoughts of the past few weeks were melting away bit by bit every day. It was so bloody tiring trying to be happy all the time and she just didn’t have the energy any more. Who cared if the house was a mess? Nobody but she was going to see it, and she certainly didn’t care one way or the other. Who cared if she didn’t wear make-up or wash for a week? She had no intention of impressing anyone. The only guy she was seeing regularly was the pizza delivery boy, and she even had to tip him to make him smile. Who bloody cared?

Her phone vibrated beside her, signalling a text message. It was from Sharon.

Club Diva no 36700700

Think bout it. Wud b fun.

Do it 4 Gerry?

Gerry’s bloody dead, she felt like texting back. But ever since she had begun opening the envelopes he didn’t feel dead to her. It was as though he was just away on holiday and he was writing her letters so he wasn’t really gone. Well, the very least she could do was ring the club and suss out the situation. That didn’t mean she had to go through with it.

She dialled the number and a man answered. She couldn’t think of anything to say and quickly hung up again. Oh, come on, Holly, she told herself, it’s really not that difficult. Just say a friend is interested in singing.

Holly braced herself and pressed redial.

The same voice answered, ‘Club Diva.’

‘Hi, I was wondering if you do karaoke nights there?’

‘Yes, we do. They are on a …’ she heard him leafing through some pages, ‘yeah, sorry, they’re on a Thursday.’

‘Thursday?’

‘No, sorry, sorry, hold on …’ He leafed through some pages again. ‘No, they’re on a Tuesday night.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, they are definitely on a Tuesday.’

‘OK, em, well, I was wondering if, em …’ Holly took a deep breath and began the sentence again. ‘My friend might be interested in singing and she was wondering what she would have to do?’

There was a long pause on the other end.

‘Hello?’ Was this person stupid?

‘Yeah, sorry, I don’t actually organise the karaoke nights so …’

‘OK.’ Holly was losing her temper. It had taken a lot to summon up the courage to actually make the call and some underqualified unhelpful little twit wasn’t going to ruin it for her. ‘Well, is there anyone there who might have a clue?’

‘Eh, no, there isn’t. The club isn’t actually open yet. It’s very early in the morning still,’ came the sarcastic response.

‘Well, thank you very much. You’ve been a terrific help,’ she matched his sarcasm.

‘Excuse me, if you can just bear with me for a moment, I’ll try and find out for you.’ Holly was put on hold and was forced to listen to ‘Greensleeves’ for the next five minutes.

‘Hello? Are you still there?’

‘Barely,’ she said angrily.

‘OK, I’m very sorry about the delay but I just made a phone call there. What’s your friend’s name?’

Holly froze; she hadn’t planned on this. Well, maybe she could just give her name and then get ‘her friend’ to call back and cancel if she changed her mind.

‘Em, her name is Holly Kennedy.’

‘OK, well, it’s actually a karaoke competition on Tuesday nights. It goes on for a month and every week two people out of ten are chosen till the last week of the month, where the six people sing again in the final.’

Holly gulped and felt butterflies in her tummy. She didn’t want to do this.

‘But unfortunately,’ he continued, ‘the names have all been entered a few months in advance so you can tell your friend that maybe she could try again at Christmas. That’s when the next competition is on.’

‘Oh, OK.’

‘By the way, the name Holly Kennedy rings a bell. Would that be Declan Kennedy’s sister?’

‘Eh, yeah. Why, do you know her?’ asked a shocked Holly.

‘I wouldn’t say I know her I just met her briefly here the other night with her brother.’

Was Declan going around introducing girls as his sister? The sick and twisted little … No, that couldn’t be right.

‘Declan played a gig in Club Diva?’

‘No, no,’ the man laughed, ‘he played with his band downstairs in the basement.’

Holly quickly digested the information until the facts finally clicked in place.

‘Is Club Diva in Hogan’s?’

He laughed again. ‘Yeah, it’s on the top floor. Maybe I should advertise a bit more!’

‘Is that Daniel?’ Holly blurted out and then kicked herself for being so stupid.

‘Eh, yeah, do I know you?’

‘Em, no! No, you don’t! Holly just mentioned you in conversation, that’s all.’ Then she realised how that sounded. ‘Very briefly in conversation,’ she added. ‘She said you gave her a stool.’ Holly began hitting her head softly against the wall.

Daniel laughed again. ‘Oh, OK, well, tell her if she wants to sing in the karaoke at Christmas I can put her name down now for it. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people that want to sign up.’

‘Really?’ Holly said weakly. She felt like a fool.

‘Oh, by the way, who am I speaking to?’

Holly paced her bedroom floor. ‘Em, Sharon. You’re speaking to Sharon.’

‘OK, Sharon, well, I have your number on caller ID so I’ll call you if anyone backs out.’

‘OK, thanks a lot.’

And he hung up.

Holly leaped into bed, throwing the duvet over her head as she felt her face burn with embarrassment. She hid under the covers, cursing herself for being such a bimbo. Ignoring the phone ringing, she tried to convince herself she hadn’t been a complete idiot. Eventually, after she had persuaded herself she could show her face in public again (it took a long time) she crawled out of bed and hit the button on her answering machine. The electronic voice announced she had one message.

‘Hi, Sharon, I must have just missed you. It’s Daniel here from Club Diva,’ he paused and then, laughing, added, ‘in Hogan’s. Em, I was just looking through the list of names in the book and it seems somebody already entered Holly’s name a few months back. In fact it’s one of the first entries. Unless it’s another Holly Kennedy …’ he trailed off. ‘Anyway, call me back when you get a chance so we can sort it out. Thanks.’

Holly sat shocked on the edge of her bed, unable to move.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Sharon, Denise and Holly sat by the window in Bewley’s café overlooking Grafton Street. They often met up there to watch the world go by. Sharon always said it was the best window shopping she could ever do as she had a bird’s-eye view of all her favourite stores.

‘I can’t believe Gerry organised all this!’ gasped Denise when she heard the news.

‘It’ll be a bit of fun, won’t it?’ Sharon said excitedly.

‘Oh God.’ Holly had butterflies in her stomach just at the thought of it. ‘I still really, really, really don’t want to do it but I feel I have to finish off what Gerry started.’

‘That’s the spirit, Hol!’ cheered Denise. ‘And we’ll all be there to cheer you on!’

‘Now hold on a minute, Denise,’ Holly said, dampening the celebratory tone, ‘I just want you and Sharon there, no one else. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this at all. Let’s keep it between us.’

‘But, Holly!’ Sharon protested. ‘It is a big deal! No one ever thought you’d do karaoke again after last time …’

‘Sharon!’ warned Holly. ‘One must not speak of such things. One is still scarred from that experience.’

‘Well, I think one is a daft cow for not getting over it,’ mumbled Sharon.

‘So when’s the big night?’ Denise changed the subject, sensing bad vibes.

‘Next Tuesday,’ Holly groaned, bending forward and banging her head playfully on the table repeatedly. The surrounding tables of customers stared at her curiously.

‘She’s just out for the day,’ Sharon announced to the room, pointing at Holly.

‘Don’t worry, Holly; that gives you seven days exactly to transform yourself into Mariah Carey. No problem at all,’ Denise said, smiling at Sharon.

‘Oh, please, we would have a better chance teaching Lennox Lewis how to do ballet,’ said Sharon.

Holly looked up from banging her head, ‘Well, thanks for the encouragement, Sharon.’

‘Ooh, but imagine Lennox Lewis in a pair of tights, that tight little arse dancing around …’ Denise said dreamily.

Holly and Sharon stopped growling at each other to stare at their friend.

‘You’ve lost the plot, Denise.’

‘What?’ Denise said defensively, snapping out of her fantasy. ‘Just imagine those big muscular thighs …’

‘That would snap your neck in two if you went near him,’ Sharon finished for her.

‘Now there’s a thought,’ Denise said, widening her eyes.

‘I can see it all now,’ Holly joined in, staring off into space. ‘The deaths column would read: “Denise Hennessey, tragically died after being crushed to death by the most tremendous thunder thighs after briefly catching a glimpse of heaven …”’

‘I like that,’ she agreed. ‘Ooh, and what a way to die! Give me a slice of that heaven!’

‘OK, you,’ Sharon interrupted, pointing her finger at Denise, ‘keep your sordid little fantasies to yourself, please. And you,’ she pointed at Holly, ‘stop trying to change the subject.’

‘Oh, you’re just jealous, Sharon, because your husband couldn’t snap a matchstick between his skinny little thighs,’ teased Denise.

‘Excuse me, but John’s thighs are perfectly fine. I just wish mine could be more like his,’ Sharon finished.

‘Now you,’ Denise pointed at Sharon, ‘keep your sordid little fantasies to yourself.’

‘Girls, girls!’ Holly snapped her fingers in the air. ‘Let’s focus on me now, focus on me,’ she gracefully motioned with her hands, bringing them towards her chest.

‘OK, Ms Selfish, what are you planning on singing?’

‘I have no idea, that’s why I called this emergency meeting.’

‘No, it’s not, you told me you wanted to go shopping,’ Sharon said.

‘Oh, really?’ Denise looked at Sharon and raised an eyebrow. ‘I thought you were both coming to visit me on my lunch break.’

‘You are both correct,’ Holly asserted. ‘I am shopping for ideas and I need you both.’

‘OK, OK!’ Sharon exclaimed excitedly. ‘I think I’ve got an idea. What was that song we sang for the whole two weeks in Spain and we couldn’t get it out of our heads? It used to bug the hell out of us?’

Holly shrugged her shoulders. If it bugged the hell out of them it was hardly a very good choice.

‘I don’t know, I wasn’t invited on that holiday,’ muttered Denise.

‘Oh, you know the one, Holly!’

‘I can’t remember.’

‘Oh, you have to!’

‘Sharon, I don’t think she can remember,’ Denise said frustratedly to Sharon.

‘Oh, what was it?’ Sharon put her face in her hands, irritated. Holly shrugged her shoulders at Denise again. ‘OK, I’ve got it!!’ she announced happily, and began to sing loudly in the café. ‘“Sun, sea, sex, sand, come on boy, give me your hand!”.’

Holly’s eyes widened and her cheeks flushed with embarrassment as the surrounding tables turned to stare. She turned to Denise for support in silencing Sharon.

‘“Ooh ooh ooh so sexy, so sexy!”’ Denise joined in with Sharon. Some people stared with amusement but most with loathing while Denise and Sharon warbled their way through the tacky European dance song that was a hit a few summers previously. Just as they were about to sing the chorus for the fourth time (neither of them could remember the verses) Holly silenced them.

‘Girls, I can’t sing that song! Besides, the verses are rapped by a guy!’

‘Well, at least you wouldn’t have to sing too much,’ chuckled Denise.

‘No way! I am not rapping at a karaoke competition!’

‘OK, well, what CD are you listening to at the moment?’ Denise got serious again.

‘Westlife?’ She looked at them hopefully.

‘Then sing a Westlife song,’ Sharon encouraged. ‘That way, at least you’ll know all the words.’

Sharon and Denise began to laugh uncontrollably. ‘You might not get the tune right,’ Sharon forced out between hacking laughs.

‘But at least you’ll know the words!’ Denise managed to finish for her before the two of them doubled over at the table.

First Holly was angry but looking at both of them crouched over holding their stomachs in hysterics, she had to chuckle. They were right, Holly was completely tone deaf and hadn’t a note in her head. Finding a song she could actually sing was going to prove impossible.

Finally, after the girls had settled down again, Denise looked at her watch and moaned about having to get back to work. They left Bewley’s, much to the other customers’ delight. ‘The miserable sods will probably throw a party now,’ Sharon had mumbled, passing their tables.

The three girls linked arms and walked down Grafton Street, heading towards the clothes store where Denise was manager. The day was sunny with just a light chill in the air; Grafton Street was busy as usual with people running around on their lunch breaks while shoppers slowly meandered up the street taking full advantage of the lack of rain. At every stretch of the road there was a busker fighting for attention from the crowds, and Denise and Sharon embarrassingly did a quick Irish dance as they passed a man playing the fiddle. He winked at them and they threw some money into his tweed cap on the ground.

‘Right, you ladies of leisure, I’d better head back to work,’ Denise said, pushing the door to her shop open. As soon as her staff saw her they scarpered from gossiping at the counter and immediately began to tidy the clothes rails. Holly and Sharon tried not to laugh. They said their goodbyes and both headed up to Stephen’s Green to collect their cars.

‘“Sun, sea, sex, sand,”’ Holly quietly sang to herself. ‘Oh shit, Sharon, you’ve got that stupid song in my head now,’ she complained.

‘You see, there you go with that “shit Sharon” thing again. So negative, Holly.’ Sharon began humming the song.

‘Oh, shut up!’ Holly laughed, hitting her on the arm.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

It was four o’clock by the time Holly eventually got out of town and started heading home to Swords. Evil Sharon had convinced Holly to go shopping after all, which resulted in her splashing out on a ridiculous top she was far too old to wear. She really needed to watch her spending from now on. Her funds were running low and without regular income she could sense tense times ahead. She needed to start thinking about getting a job, but she was finding it hard enough to get out of bed in the morning as it was – another depressing nine-to-five job wasn’t going to help matters. But it would pay the bills. Holly sighed loudly. All these things she had to handle by herself. She spent too much time on her own thinking about them. She needed people around her, like today with Denise and Sharon, as they always took her mind off things.

She phoned her mum and checked if it was all right for her to call round.

‘Of course you can, love, you’re always welcome.’ Then Elizabeth lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘Just as long as you know that Richard is here.’ Christ! What was with all the little visits all of a sudden?

Holly contemplated heading straight home when she heard that, but convinced herself she was being silly. He was her brother and, as annoying as he was, she couldn’t go on avoiding him forever.

She arrived to an extremely loud and crowded house, and it felt like old times again, hearing screams and shouts in every room. Her mum was setting an extra place at the table just as Holly walked in.