PS, I Love You

‘Oh, aren’t I just the luckiest woman in the world, having such caring children like you?’ Elizabeth said sarcastically. ‘Tell you what, you can just drain the water from the potatoes there.’

‘Mum, tell us about the time when you were a little girl during the famine and the spuds were gone,’ Jack said, putting on an exaggerated Irish accent.

Elizabeth hit him across the head playfully with the tea towel. ‘Ah sure, ’tis years before my time, son.’

‘Sure, ’tis true,’ said Jack.

‘No, you t’aren’t at all,’ joined in Holly.

They both stopped and stared at her. ‘Since when is there such a word as “t’aren’t”?’ laughed her mum.

‘Ah, shut up, the both of you.’ Holly joined her brother at the table.

‘I hope you two won’t be getting up to any mischief tonight. I would like this to be an argument-free zone for a change.’

‘Mother, I am shocked the thought even crossed your mind.’ Jack winked across to Holly.

‘All right,’ she said, not believing a word of it. ‘Well, sorry, my babies, but there’s nothing else to be done here. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.’

‘Oh.’ Holly was disappointed.

Elizabeth joined her children at the table and the three of them stared at the kitchen door, all thinking the same thing.

‘No, Abbey,’ squealed Emily loudly, ‘you’re not doing what I tell you,’ and she burst into tears. This was shortly followed by a loud guffaw from Richard; he must have cracked a joke because he was the only one laughing.

‘But I suppose it’s important that we all stay here and keep an eye on the dinner,’ Elizabeth added.

‘OK, everyone, dinner is served,’ announced Elizabeth, and the family made their way to the dining room. There was an awkward moment like at a children’s birthday party while everyone scuffled to sit beside their best friend. Eventually Holly was satisfied with her position at the table and settled down with her mother on her left at the end of the table and Jack to her right. Abbey sat with a scowl on her face as she had been placed between Jack and Richard. Jack would have some making up to do when he got home. Declan sat opposite Holly and wedged in between him was an empty seat where Timothy should be sitting, then Emily and Meredith, then Ciara. Holly’s father got a raw deal, sitting at the head of the table between Richard and Ciara, but he was such a calm man he was the best one for the job.

Everyone oohed and aahed as Elizabeth brought out the food and its aroma filled the room. Holly had always loved her mother’s cooking; she was never afraid to experiment with new flavours and recipes, a trait that had not been passed down to her daughter.

‘Hey, poor little Timmy must be starving out there,’ Ciara exclaimed to Richard. ‘He must have done his time by now.’

She knew she was skating on thin ice but she loved the danger of it and, more importantly, she loved to wind up Richard. After all, she had to make up for lost time – she had been away for a year.

‘Ciara, it’s important that Timothy knows when he has done something wrong,’ explained Richard.

‘Yeah, but couldn’t you just tell him?’

The rest of the family tried hard not to laugh.

‘He needs to know that his actions will lead to serious consequences so he will not repeat it.’

‘Ah well,’ she said, raising her voice a few decibels, ‘he’s missing all this yummy food. Mmm mmm mmm,’ she said, licking her lips.

‘Stop it, Ciara,’ Elizabeth snapped.

‘Or you’ll have to stand in the corner,’ Jack added sternly.

The table erupted with laughter – bar Meredith and Richard, of course.

‘So, Ciara, tell us about your adventures in Australia,’ Frank moved swiftly on.

Her eyes lit up. ‘Oh, I had the most amazing time, Dad. I would definitely recommend going there to anyone.’

‘Awful long flight, though,’ Richard said.

‘Yeah, it is but it’s so worth it.’

‘Did you get any more tattoos?’ Holly asked.

‘Yeah, look.’ With that, Ciara stood up at the table and pulled down her trousers, revealing a butterfly on her behind.

Mum, Dad, Richard and Meredith protested in outrage while the others sat in convulsions of laughter. Finally, when Ciara had apologised and Meredith had removed her hands from Emily’s eyes, the table settled down.

‘They are revolting things,’ Richard said in disgust.

‘I think butterflies are pretty, Daddy,’ said Emily with big innocent eyes.

‘Yes, some butterflies are pretty, Emily, but I’m talking about tattoos. They can give you all sorts of diseases and problems.’ Emily’s smile faded.

‘Hey, I didn’t exactly get this done in a dodgy place sharing needles with drug users, you know. The place was perfectly clean.’

‘Well, that’s an oxymoron if ever I heard one,’ sniffed Meredith.

‘Been in one recently, Meredith?’ Ciara asked a bit too forcefully.

‘Well, em … n-n-n-no,’ she stuttered, ‘I have never been in one, thank you very much, but I am sure they are.’ Then she turned to Emily. ‘They are dirty, horrible places, Emily, where only dangerous people go.’

‘Is Aunt Ciara dangerous, Mummy?’

‘Only to five-year-old little girls with red hair,’ Ciara said, stuffing her face with potatoes.

Emily froze.

‘Richard dear, do you think that Timmy might want to come in now for some food?’ Elizabeth asked politely.

‘It’s Timothy,’ Meredith interrupted.

‘Yes, Mother, I think that would be OK.’

A very sorry little Timothy walked slowly into the room with his head down, and took his place silently beside Declan. Holly’s heart leaped out to him. How cruel to treat a child like that, how cruel to stop him from being a child … Her sympathy diminished immediately as she felt his foot kick her shin underneath the table. They should have left him out there.

‘So, Ciara, come on, give us the gossip. Do anything wild and wonderful out there?’ Holly pushed for more information.

‘Oh yeah, I did a bungee jump, actually – well, I did a few. I have the photo here.’ She reached into her back pocket and everyone looked away just in case she was planning on revealing any more bits of her anatomy. Thankfully she took out only her wallet and passed the photo from it around the table.

‘The first one I did was off a bridge and my head hit the water when I fell …’

‘Oh, Ciara, that sounds dangerous,’ her mother said with her hands across her face.

‘Oh no, it wasn’t dangerous at all,’ she reassured her.

The photograph was passed to Holly, and she and Jack burst out laughing. Ciara dangled upside down from a rope with her face contorted in the middle of a scream of pure terror. Her hair (it was blue at that time) was shooting out in all directions as though she had been electrocuted.

‘Attractive photo, Ciara. Mum, you must get that framed for over the fireplace,’ Holly joked.

‘Yeah!’ Ciara’s eyes lit up. ‘That would be a cool idea.’

‘Sure, darling, I’ll just take down the one of you making your Holy Communion and replace it with that,’ Elizabeth said sarcastically.

‘Well, I don’t know which one would be scarier,’ said Declan.

‘Holly, what are you doing for your birthday?’ asked Abbey, leaning across towards her. She was clearly dying to get out of the conversation she was having with Richard.

‘Oh, that’s right!’ shouted Ciara. ‘You’re gonna be thirty next week!’

‘I’m not doing anything big at all,’ she warned everyone. ‘I don’t want any surprise party or anything, PLEASE.’

‘Oh, you have to—’ said Ciara.

‘No, she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to,’ her father interrupted, and winked supportively at Holly.

‘Thank you, Dad. I’m just going to have a girly night out clubbing or something. Nothing mad, nothing wild.’

Richard tutted as the photograph reached him and passed it on to his father, who chuckled to himself over the sight of Ciara.

‘Yes, I agree with you, Holly,’ said Richard, ‘those birthday celebrations are always a bit embarrassing. Grown adults acting like children, doing “Rock the boat” on the floor and drinking far too much. You’re quite right.’

‘Well, I actually quite enjoy those parties, Richard,’ Holly shot back, ‘but I just don’t feel in the celebratory mood this year, that’s all.’

There was a silence for a moment before Ciara piped up, ‘A girly night it is then.’

‘Can I tag along with the camera?’ asked Declan.

‘For what?’

‘Just for some footage of clubs and stuff for college.’

‘Well, if it’ll help … but as long as you know I won’t be going to all the trendy places that you like.’

‘No, I don’t mind where you g— OW!’ he shouted, and stared menacingly at Timothy.

Timmy stuck his tongue out at him and the conversation continued. After the main course was finished Ciara disappeared out of the room, returned with a bulging bag in her hand and announced, ‘Presents!’

Timmy and Emily cheered. Holly hoped that Ciara had remembered to get them something.

Her father received a colourfully painted boomerang that he pretended to throw down to his wife; Richard was given a T-shirt with the map of Australia on it, which he immediately began to teach to Timmy and Emily at the table; Meredith quite comically wasn’t given anything; Jack and Declan were given T-shirts with perverted pictures and a caption saying, ‘I’ve been to the bush’, and Elizabeth received a collection of old aboriginal recipes. Holly was touched by her dream catcher made from brightly coloured feathers and sticks.

‘So all your dreams come true,’ Ciara whispered in her ear before kissing her on the cheek.

Thankfully Ciara had bought sweets for Timmy and Emily, which looked strangely like the sweets they could buy from the local shop. These were briskly taken away by Richard and Meredith, who claimed they would rot their teeth.

‘Well, give them back then so I can rot my own,’ Ciara demanded.

Timmy and Emily looked around sadly at everyone’s presents and were immediately chastised by Richard for not concentrating on the map of Australia. Timmy made a face at Holly and a warm feeling returned to her heart. As long as the kids kept acting as if they deserved their treatment, that was OK with her.

‘Right, we better hit the road, Richard, or the children will fall asleep where they sit,’ announced Meredith. The children were wide awake and were kicking Holly and Declan repeatedly under the table.

‘Well, before everybody goes disappearing –’ Holly’s father announced loudly over the chatter. The table grew silent – ‘I would like to propose a toast to our beautiful daughter Ciara.’ He smiled at her and Ciara lapped up all the attention. ‘We missed you, love, and we’re glad you’re home safely,’ Frank finished. He lifted his glass into the air. ‘To Ciara!’

‘To Ciara!’ everyone repeated.

As soon as the door closed behind Richard and Meredith everyone else began to leave one by one. Holly stepped into the chilly air and walked to her car alone. Her mum and dad stood at the door waving her off but she still felt so lonely. Usually she left dinner parties with Gerry, or if not with him then she was returning home to him. But not tonight or the next night or the night after that.

CHAPTER EIGHT

On her birthday, Holly stood in front of the full-length mirror and inspected herself. She had carried out Gerry’s orders and had purchased a new outfit. What for, she didn’t know but several times a day she had to drag herself away from the temptation of opening the envelope for May. There were only two days left until she could and the anticipation left her no room to think of anything else.

She had settled on wearing an all-black outfit to suit her current mood. Black fitted trousers slimmed her legs and were tailored perfectly to sit over her black boots. A black corset that made her look like she had a bigger chest finished the outfit off perfectly. Leo had done a wonderful job on her hair, tying it up and allowing strands to fall in loose waves around her shoulders. Holly ran her fingers through her hair and smiled at the memory of her time at the hairdressers …

She had arrived at the salon with her face flushed, and out of breath. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Leo. I got caught on the phone and didn’t realise the time.’

‘Don’t worry, love. Whenever you make an appointment I have the staff trained to pencil it in for half an hour later. COLIN!’ he yelled, clicking his fingers in the air.

Colin dropped everything and ran.

‘God, are you taking horse tranquillisers or something? The length of your hair already, and I just cut it a few weeks ago.’

He pumped vigorously on the chair, raising Holly higher. ‘Anything special tonight?’ he asked.

‘The big three-0,’ she said, biting her lip.

‘What’s that, your local bus route?’

‘No! I’m the big three-0!’

‘Of course I knew that, love. COLIN!’ he yelled again, snapping his fingers in the air once more.

Colin appeared from the staff room behind Holly with a cake in his hand, followed by a row of hairdressers joining Leo in a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’. Holly was dumbfounded. She battled the tears that were welling in her eyes and failed miserably. By this stage the entire salon had joined in and Holly was so overwhelmed by their show of love. When it was over everyone applauded and normal business resumed.

Holly couldn’t speak.

‘Christ Almighty, Holly, one week you’re in here laughing so hard you practically fall off your chair and the next visit you’re crying!’

‘Oh, but that was just so special, Leo, thank you,’ she said, drying her eyes and giving him a huge hug and a kiss.

‘Well, I had to get you back after you mortified me,’ he said, shrugging her off, uncomfortable with the sentimentality.

Holly laughed, remembering Leo’s surprise fiftieth birthday party. The theme had been ‘feathers and lace’. Holly had worn a beautiful tight-fitting lace dress, and Gerry, who was always game for a laugh, had worn a pink feather boa to match his pink shirt and tie. Leo claimed to have been excruciatingly embarrassed but everyone knew he was secretly delighted with all the attention. The next day, Leo had rung every guest who had attended the party and left a threatening message on their machine. Holly had been terrified to make an appointment with him for weeks after that in case he butchered her hair. Word had it that business was very slow for Leo that week.

‘Well, you enjoyed the stripper that night, anyway,’ Holly teased.

‘Enjoyed? I went out with him for a month after that. The bastard.’

A slice of cake arrived in front of each customer and everyone turned to thank her.

‘Don’t know why they’re thanking you,’ Leo muttered under his breath. ‘I’m the one who bloody bought it.’

‘Don’t worry, Leo, I’ll make sure your tip covers the cost.’

‘Are you mad? Your tip wouldn’t cover the cost of my bus fare home.’

‘Leo, you live next door.’

‘Exactly!’

Holly pouted her lip and pretended to sulk.

Leo laughed. ‘Thirty years old and you’re still acting like a baby. Where are you off to tonight?’

‘Oh, nowhere mad. I just want a low-key, nice quiet night out with the girls.’

‘That’s what I said at my fiftieth. Who’s going?’

‘Sharon, Ciara, Abbey, and Denise – haven’t seen her for ages.’

‘Ciara home?’

‘Yeah, her and her pink hair.’

‘Merciful hour! She’ll stay away from me if she knows what’s good for her. Right, missus, you look fab, you’ll be the belle of the ball – have fun!’

Holly stopped daydreaming and gazed at her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t look thirty or feel thirty. But then again what was being thirty supposed to feel like? When she was younger, thirty seemed so far away, she’d thought that a woman of that age would be wise and knowledgeable, settled in her life with a husband and children and a career. She had none of those things. She still felt as clueless as when she was twenty, only with a few grey hairs, and crow’s feet around her eyes. She sat down on the edge of the bed and continued to stare at herself. There was nothing about being thirty worth celebrating.

The doorbell rang and Holly could hear the excited chatter of the girls outside. She tried to perk herself up, took a deep breath and plastered a smile on her face.

‘Happy birthday!’ they all yelled in unison.

She stared back at their smiling faces and was immediately cheered by their enthusiasm. She ushered them into the living room and waved hello to the camera being brandished by Declan.

‘No, Holly, you’re supposed to ignore him!’ hissed Denise, and dragged her by the arm onto the couch where they all surrounded her and immediately started thrusting presents in her face.

‘Open mine first!’ squealed Ciara, knocking Sharon out of the way so hard that she toppled off the couch. Sharon froze in horror, unsure of how to react, then burst into giggles.

‘OK, calm down, everyone,’ said the voice of reason (Abbey), struggling to help up a hysterical Sharon. ‘I think we should pop open the bubbly first and then open the pressies.’

‘OK, but as long as she opens mine first,’ pouted Ciara.

‘Ciara, I promise to open yours first.’ Holly spoke as though addressing a child.

Abbey raced into the kitchen and returned with a tray full of champagne flutes.

‘Anyone for champers, sweetie darlings?’

The flutes had been a wedding gift and one of the glasses had Gerry and Holly’s name inscribed on it, which Abbey had tactfully removed from the set. ‘OK, Holly, you can do the honours,’ Abbey said, handing her the bottle.

Everyone ran for cover and ducked as Holly began to remove the cork. ‘Hey, I’m not that bad, everyone!’

‘Yeah, she’s an old pro at this by now,’ said Sharon, appearing from behind the couch with a cushion on her head.

The girls all cheered as they heard the pop and crawled out from their hiding places.

‘The sound of heaven,’ Denise said dramatically, holding her hand up to her heart.

‘OK, now open my present,’ Ciara screamed again.

‘Ciara!’ they all shouted.

‘After the toast,’ added Sharon.

Everyone held up her glass.

‘OK, here’s to my bestest friend in the whole world who has had such a difficult year, but throughout all has been the bravest and the strongest person I’ve ever met. She’s an inspiration to us all. Here’s to her finding happiness for the next thirty years of her life! To Holly!’

‘To Holly,’ they all chorused. Everyone’s eyes were sparkling with tears as they all took sips of their drinks, except of course for Ciara, who had already knocked back her glass of champagne and was scrambling to give her present to Holly.

‘OK, first you have to wear this tiara because you are our princess for the night, and secondly here’s my present from me to you!’

The girls helped Holly put on the sparkling tiara that luckily went perfectly with her glittery corset. At that moment, surrounded by her friends, she really did feel like a princess.

Holly carefully removed the sellotape from the neatly wrapped parcel.

‘Oh, just rip it open,’ said Abbey to everyone’s surprise.

Holly looked at the box inside, confused. ‘What is it?’

‘Read it!’ Ciara said excitedly.

Holly began to read aloud from the box, ‘It’s a battery operated … oh my God! Ciara! You naughty girl!’ Holly and the girls laughed hysterically.

‘Well, I’ll definitely need this,’ Holly laughed, holding the box up to the camera.

Declan looked as if he was about to throw up.

‘Do you like it?’ Ciara asked, searching for approval. ‘I wanted to give it to you at dinner last week but I didn’t think it would be appropriate.’

‘Gosh! Well, I’m glad you saved it till now!’ Holly laughed, giving her sister a hug.

‘OK, me next,’ Abbey said, putting her parcel on Holly’s lap. ‘It’s from me and Jack so don’t expect anything like Ciara’s.’

‘Well, I would worry if Jack gave me something like that,’ Holly said, opening it. ‘Oh, Abbey, it’s beautiful!’ Holly said, holding up the sterling silver-covered photo album.

‘For your new memories,’ Abbey said softly.

‘Oh, it’s perfect,’ Holly said, wrapping her arms round her and squeezing her. ‘Thank you.’

‘OK, well, mine is less sentimental but as a fellow female I’m sure you will appreciate it,’ said Denise, handing her an envelope.

‘Oh, brilliant! I’ve always wanted to go here,’ Holly exclaimed as she opened it. ‘A weekend of pampering at Haven’s health and beauty clinic!’

‘God, you sound like you’re on Blind Date,’ teased Sharon.

‘Let us know when you want to make an appointment, it’s valid for a year, and the rest of us can book the same time. Make a holiday out of it!’

‘Oh, that’s a great idea, Denise. Thank you!’

‘OK, last but not least!’ Holly winked at Sharon. Sharon fidgeted with her hands nervously while she watched Holly’s face.

The present was a large silver photo frame with a photograph of Sharon, Denise and Holly at the Christmas Ball two years ago. ‘Oh, I’m wearing my spensive white dress!’ sobbed Holly playfully.

‘Before it was ruined,’ pointed out Sharon.

‘God, I don’t even remember that being taken!’

‘I don’t even remember being there,’ mumbled Denise.

Holly continued to stare at the photo sadly while she walked over to the fireplace. That had been the last ball that she and Gerry had been to, as he had been too ill to attend last year’s.

‘Well, this will take pride of place,’ Holly announced, walking over to the mantelpiece and placing it beside her wedding photo.

‘OK, girls, let’s get some serious drinking done!’ screamed Ciara, and everyone dived to safety as another bottle of champagne was popped open.

Two bottles of champagne and several of red wine later the girls stumbled out of the house and piled into a taxi. Through the hilarity and shouting, someone managed to explain to the taxi driver where they were going. Holly insisted on sitting in the passenger seat and having a heart-to-heart with Nick, the driver, who probably wanted to kill her by the time they reached town.

‘Bye, Nick!’ they all shouted to their new best friend before falling out onto the kerb, where they watched him drive off at high speed. They had decided (while drinking their third bottle of wine) to chance their luck at Dublin’s most stylish club, Boudoir. The club was reserved for the rich and famous only, and it was a well-known fact that if you weren’t either, you then had to have a membership card to be granted access. Denise walked up to the door coolly waving her video store membership card in the bouncer’s faces. Amazingly, they stopped her.

The only famous faces the girls saw overtaking them to enter the club, as they fought with the bouncers to get in, were some newsreaders from the national TV station, whom Denise smiled at and hilariously kept repeating, ‘Good evening,’ very seriously to their faces. Unfortunately, after that Holly remembered no more.

Holly awoke with her head pounding. Her mouth was as dry as Gandhi’s sandal and her vision was impaired. She leaned up on one elbow and tried to open her eyes, which were somehow glued together. She squinted around. It was bright, very bright, and the room seemed to be spinning. Something very odd was going on. Holly caught sight of herself in the mirror ahead and startled herself. Had she been in an accident last night? She ran out of energy and collapsed flat on her back again. Suddenly the house alarm began wailing and she lifted her head slightly from the pillow and opened one eye. Oh, take whatever you want, she thought, just as long as you bring me a glass of water before you go. After a while she realised it wasn’t the alarm but the phone ringing beside her bed.

‘Hello?’ she croaked.

‘Oh good, I’m not the only one,’ said a desperately ill-sounding voice on the other end.