PS, I Love You

‘Oh, Mum, you should have told me you were having dinner,’ Holly said, giving her a hug and a kiss.

‘Why, have you eaten already?’

‘No, actually I’m starving but I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble.’

‘No trouble at all, dear. It just means that poor Declan will have to go without food for the day, that’s all,’ she said, teasing her son, who was taking his seat. He made a face at her.

The atmosphere was so much more relaxed this time around – or maybe it had just been Holly who was uptight last time they met up.

‘So, Mr Hard Worker, why aren’t you in college today?’ she said sarcastically.

‘I’ve been in college all morning,’ Declan replied, making a face. ‘And I’m going back in at eight o’clock, actually.’

‘That’s very late,’ said his father, pouring gravy all over his plate. Frank always ended up with more gravy than food.

‘Yeah, but it was the only time I could get the editing suite.’

‘Is there only one editing suite, Declan?’ piped up Richard.

‘Yeah.’ Ever the conversationalist.

‘And how many students are there?’

‘It’s only a small class so there are twelve of us.’

‘Don’t they have the funds for any more?’

‘For what, students?’ Declan teased.

‘No, for another editing suite.’

‘No, it’s only a small college, Richard.’

‘I suppose the bigger universities would be better equipped for things like that. They’re better all round.’

And there was the dig they were all waiting for.

‘No, I wouldn’t say that. The facilities are top of the range, there’s just fewer people so less equipment. And the lecturers aren’t inferior to university lecturers. They’re a bonus because they work in the industry as well as lecturing. In other words, they practise what they preach. It’s not just textbook stuff.’

Good for you, Declan, Holly thought, and winked across the table at him.

‘I wouldn’t imagine they get paid well doing that, so they probably have no choice but to lecture too.’

‘Richard, working in film is a very good job; you’re talking about people who have spent years in college studying for degrees and masters …’

‘Oh, you get a degree for that, do you?’ Richard was amazed. ‘I thought it was just a little course you were doing.’

Declan stopped eating and looked at Holly in shock. Funny how Richard’s ignorance still amazed everyone.

‘Who do you think makes all those gardening programmes you watch, Richard?’ Holly interfered. ‘They’re not just a crowd of people who are doing a little course.’

The thought that there was a skill involved had never even crossed his mind. ‘Great little programmes they are,’ he agreed.

‘What’s your project on, Declan?’ Frank asked.

Declan finished chewing his food before he spoke. ‘Oh, it’s too messy to go into but basically it’s on club life in Dublin.’

‘Ooh, will we be in it?’ Ciara broke her unusual silence.

‘Yeah, I might just show the back of your head or something,’ he joked.

‘Well, I can’t wait to see it,’ Holly said encouragingly.

‘Thanks.’ Declan put his knife and fork down and started laughing, ‘Hey, what’s this I hear about you singing in a karaoke competition next week?’

‘What?’ Ciara yelled, her eyes nearly popping out of her head.

Holly pretended not to know what he was talking about.

‘Ah, come on, Holly!’ he persisted. ‘Danny told me!’ He turned to the rest of the table and explained, ‘Danny is the owner of the place where I did the gig the other night and he told me Holly has entered a karaoke competition in the club upstairs.’

Everyone oohed and aahed and talked about how great it was.

Holly refused to give in. ‘Declan, Daniel’s just playing games with you. Sure, everyone knows I can’t sing! Now, come on,’ she addressed the rest of the table. ‘Honestly, if I was singing in a karaoke competition I think I would tell you all.’ She laughed as if the thought was so ridiculous. In fact the thought was so ridiculous.

‘Holly,’ Declan chuckled, ‘I saw your name on the list. Don’t lie.’

Holly put her knife and fork down. She suddenly wasn’t hungry any more.

‘Holly, why didn’t you tell us you’re going to sing in a competition?’ her mother asked.

‘Because I can’t sing!’

‘Then why are you doing it?’ Ciara burst out laughing.

She may as well tell them, otherwise Declan would beat it out of her and she didn’t like lying to her parents.

‘OK, it’s a really complicated story, but basically Gerry entered my name in months ago because he really wanted me to do it and as much as I don’t want to do it, I feel I have to go through with it. It’s stupid, I know.’

Ciara stopped laughing abruptly.

Holly felt paranoid by her family staring at her, and she nervously tucked her hair behind her ears.

‘Well, I think that’s a wonderful idea,’ her dad suddenly announced.

‘Yes,’ added her mum, ‘and we’ll all be there to support you.’

‘No, Mum, you really don’t have to. It’s no big deal.’

‘There’s no way my sister is singing in a competition without me being there,’ declared Ciara.

‘Here, here,’ said Richard. ‘We’ll all go so. I’ve never been to a karaoke before. It should be …’ he searched his brain for the right word, ‘… fun.’

Holly groaned and closed her eyes, wishing she had gone straight home from town.

Declan was laughing hysterically, ‘Yes, Holly, it’ll be … hmmm …’ he said, scratching his chin, ‘… fun!’

‘When is it on?’ Richard said, taking out his diary.

‘Eh … Saturday,’ Holly lied, and Richard began writing it down.

‘It is not!’ Declan burst out. ‘It’s next Tuesday, you liar!’

‘Shit!’ cursed Richard, much to everyone’s surprise. ‘Has anyone got any Tippex?’

Holly could not stop going to the toilet. She was nervous and had had practically no sleep the night before. And she looked how she felt. There were huge bags around her bloodshot eyes and her lips were bitten.

The big day had arrived, her worst nightmare – singing in public.

Holly wasn’t even the kind of person who sang in the shower for fear of cracking all the mirrors. But man, was she spending time in the toilet today. There was no better laxative than fear, and Holly felt as if she had lost a stone in just one day. Her friends and family had been as supportive as ever, sending her good luck cards. Sharon and John had even sent her a bouquet of flowers, which she placed on the draught-free, heat-vent-free coffee table beside her half-dead orchid. Denise had ‘hilariously’ sent her a sympathy card.

Holly dressed in the outfit Gerry had told her to buy last month and cursed him throughout. There were far more important things to worry about right now than irrelevant little details like how she looked. She left her hair down so it covered her face as much as possible and piled on the waterproof mascara as though it was going to prevent her from crying. She could foresee the night ending in tears. She tended to have psychic powers when it came to facing the shittiest days of her life.

John and Sharon collected Holly in a taxi and she refused to talk to them, cursing everyone for forcing her to do this. She felt physically sick and she couldn’t sit still. Every time the taxi stopped at a red light she contemplated jumping out and running for dear life but by the time she would build up the courage the lights would go green again. Her hands fidgeted nervously and she kept opening and closing her bag, pretending to Sharon she was searching for something just to keep herself occupied.

‘Relax, Holly,’ Sharon said soothingly, ‘everything will be fine.’

‘Fuck off,’ she snapped.

They continued on in silence for the rest of the journey: even the taxi driver didn’t speak. After a tense journey they finally reached Hogan’s, and John and Sharon had a hell of a time trying to stop Holly ranting (something about preferring to jump in the Liffey) and persuading her to go inside. Much to Holly’s horror, the club was absolutely jammed and she had to squeeze by everyone to make her way to her family, who had saved a table (right beside the toilet as requested).

Richard was sitting awkwardly on a stool, looking out of place in a suit. ‘So tell me about these rules, Father. What will Holly have to do?’

Holly’s dad explained the ‘rules’ of karaoke to Richard and her nerves began to build even more.

‘Gosh, that’s terrific, isn’t it?’ Richard said, staring around the club in awe. Holly didn’t think he had ever been in a nightclub before.

The sight of the stage terrified Holly. It was much bigger than she had expected and there was a huge screen on the wall for the crowd to see the words of the songs. Jack was sitting with his arm draped around Abbey’s shoulders; they both gave her supportive smiles. Holly scowled at them and looked away.

‘Holly the funniest thing happened earlier on,’ Jack said laughing. ‘Remember that guy Daniel we met last week?’

Holly just stared at him, watching his lips moving but not giving a damn about what he said. ‘Well, me and Abbey got here first to keep the table and we were having a kiss and your man came over and whispered in my ear that you were gonna be here tonight. He thought we were going out and that I was doing the dirt!’ Jack and Abbey laughed hysterically.

‘Well, I think that’s disgusting,’ Holly said, and turned away.

‘No,’ Jack tried to explain, ‘he didn’t know that we were brother and sister. I had to explain …’ Jack trailed off as Sharon shot him a warning look and silenced him.

‘Hi, Holly,’ Daniel said, approaching her with a clipboard in his hand. ‘OK, here’s the order of tonight: first up is a girl called Margaret, then a guy called Keith and then you’re up after him. Is that OK?’

‘So I’m third.’

‘Yeah, after—’

‘That’s all I need to know,’ Holly snapped rudely. She just wanted to get out of this stupid club and wished that everyone would stop annoying her and leave her alone to wish evil thoughts on them all. She wished the ground would swallow her up, that a natural disaster would occur and everyone would have to evacuate the building. In fact, that was a good idea. She searched around frantically for a button to raise the fire alarm, but Daniel was still talking away to her.

‘Look, Holly, I’m really sorry to disturb you again, but could you tell me which of your friends is Sharon?’ He looked as if he was afraid she was going to bite his head off. So he should be, she thought, narrowing her eyes.

‘Her over there.’ Holly pointed to Sharon. ‘Hold on, why?’

‘Oh, I just wanted to apologise for the last time we spoke.’ He started to walk towards Sharon.

‘Why?’ Holly said, the panic in her voice making him turn around again.

‘We just had a minor disagreement on the phone last week.’ He looked at her confused.

‘You know you really don’t need to do that. She’s probably forgotten about it completely by now,’ she stammered. This was the last thing she needed.

‘Yeah, but I would still like to apologise,’ and he headed over to Sharon. Holly leaped from her stool.

‘Sharon, hi, I’m Daniel. I just wanted to apologise about the confusion on the phone last week.’

Sharon looked at him as though he had ten heads. ‘Confusion?’

‘You know, on the phone?’

John placed his arm protectively around Sharon’s waist.

‘On the phone?’

‘Eh … yes, on the phone,’ he nodded.

‘What’s your name again?’

‘Em, it’s Daniel.’

‘And we spoke on the phone?’ Sharon said with a smile appearing on her face.

Holly gestured wildly to her behind Daniel’s back.

Daniel cleared his throat nervously. ‘Yes, you called the club last week and I answered – does that ring a bell?’

‘No, sweetie, you’ve got the wrong girl,’ Sharon said politely.

John threw Sharon a dirty look for calling him sweetie; if it was up to him he would have told him where to go.

Daniel brushed his hand through his hair and appeared to be more confused than everyone else. He began to turn round to face Holly.

Holly nodded her head frantically to Sharon.

‘Oh …’ Sharon said, looking as though she finally remembered. ‘Oh – Daniel!’ she yelled a bit over enthusiastically. ‘God, I am so sorry, my brain cells seem to be going a bit dead.’ She laughed like a mad woman. ‘Must be too much of this,’ she chortled, picking up her drink.

Relief washed over Daniel’s face. ‘Good, I thought it was me going mad there for a minute! OK, so you remember us having that conversation on the phone?’

‘Oh, that conversation we had on the phone. Listen, don’t worry about it,’ she said, waving her hand dismissively.

‘It’s just that I only took over the place a few weeks ago and I wasn’t too sure of the exact arrangements for tonight.’

‘Don’t worry … we all need our time … to adjust … to things … you know?’ Sharon looked at Holly to see if she had said the right thing or not.

‘OK then. Well, it’s nice to finally meet you in person,’ Daniel laughed. ‘Can I get you a stool or anything?’ he joked.

Sharon and John sat on their stools and stared back at him in silence, not knowing what to say to this strange man.

John watched with suspicion as Daniel walked away.

‘What was that all about?’ Sharon screamed at Holly as soon as he was out of earshot.

‘Oh, I’ll explain it to you later,’ said Holly. She turned to face the stage as their karaoke host stepped on stage.

‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!’ he announced.

‘Good evening!’ shouted Richard, looking excited. Holly rolled her eyes to heaven.

‘We have an exciting night ahead of us …’ he went on and on and on in his DJ voice while Holly danced nervously from foot to foot. She desperately needed the toilet again.

‘So first up tonight we have Margaret from Tallaght who is going to sing the theme to Titanic, “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. Please put your hands together for the wonderful Margaret!’ The crowd went wild. Holly’s heart raced. The hardest song in the world to sing – typical.

When Margaret started to sing, the room became so quiet you could almost hear a pin drop. Holly watched everyone’s faces. They were all staring at Margaret in amazement, including Holly’s family, the traitors. Margaret’s eyes were closed and she sang with such passion, as though she had lived every line of the song. Holly hated her and contemplated tripping her up on her way back to her seat.

‘Wasn’t that incredible?’ the DJ announced. The crowd cheered again; Holly prepared herself not to hear that sound after she sang. ‘Next up we have Keith. You may remember him as last year’s winner and he’s singing “America” by Neil Diamond. Give it up for Keith!’ Holly didn’t need to hear any more and rushed to the toilet.

She paced up and down and tried to calm herself, but her knees were knocking, her stomach was twisted in knots and she felt the beginnings of vomit rising to her mouth. She looked at herself in the mirror and tried to take big deep breaths. It didn’t work, as it only made her feel dizzy. The crowd applauded outside and Holly froze. She was next.

‘Wasn’t Keith terrific, ladies and gentlemen?’

Lots of cheers again.

‘Perhaps Keith is going for the record of winning two years in a row. Well, it doesn’t get any better than that!’

It was about to get a lot worse.

‘Next we have a newcomer to the competition and her name is Holly and she’s singing …’

Holly ran to the toilet and locked herself in. There was no way in this world they were getting her out of there.

‘So, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Holly!’

There was a huge applause.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

It was three years ago that Holly had taken to the stage for her debut karaoke performance.

Not coincidentally, it was three years since Holly had taken to the stage to do karaoke.

A huge crowd of her friends had gone to their local pub in Swords to celebrate one of the lad’s thirtieth birthdays. Holly had been extremely tired as she had been working overtime for the past two weeks and she really wasn’t in the mood to go out partying. All she wanted was to go home, have a nice long bath, put on the most unsexy pair of pyjamas she owned, eats lots of chocolate and snuggle up on the couch in front of the TV with Gerry.

After standing on an overcrowded Dart all the way from Blackrock to Sutton Station, Holly was definitely not in the mood to stand all night in a packed stuffy pub. On the train, half her face had been squashed up against the window and the other half lodged underneath the sweaty armpit of a very unhygienic man. Right behind her a man was breathing alcoholic fumes rather loudly down her neck. It didn’t help matters that every time the train swayed he ‘accidentally’ pressed his big beer belly up against her back. She had suffered through this ordeal everyday going to work and coming home for two weeks and she could take it no longer. She wanted her pyjamas.

Finally she arrived at Sutton Station and the very clever people there thought it was a great idea to all get on the train while passengers tried to get off. It took her so long to fight her way through the crowd to get off the train that by the time she reached the platform she saw her feeder bus drive off, packed with happy little people smiling out the window at her. And because it was after six o’clock, the coffee shop had closed and she was left standing in the freezing cold waiting for another half-hour till the next bus arrived. On top of everything else, this strengthened her desire to cuddle up in front of the fire.

But a good evening at home was not to be. Her beloved husband had other plans. She arrived home tired and extremely pissed off to a crowded house and thumping music. People she didn’t even know were wandering around her living room with cans of beer in their hands and slumping themselves on the couch she had intended to inhabit for the next few hours. Gerry stood at the CD player acting DJ and trying to look cool. At that moment in time she had never seen him look so uncool in her life.

‘What is wrong with you?’ Gerry asked her after seeing her storming upstairs to the bedroom.

‘Gerry, I am tired, I am pissed off, I am not in the mood to go out tonight and you didn’t even ask me if it was all right to invite all these people over. And, by the way, WHO ARE THEY?’ she yelled.

‘They’re friends of Conor’s and, by the way, THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO!’ he yelled back.

Holly placed her fingers on her temples and began to gently massage her head, she had such a headache and the music was driving her crazy.

‘Gerry,’ she said quietly, trying to stay calm, ‘I’m not saying that you can’t invite people over. It would be fine if you had planned it in advance and told me. Then I wouldn’t care, but today of all days when I am so so tired …’ her voice became weaker and weaker with every word, ‘I just wanted to relax in my own house.’

‘Oh, everyday’s the same with you,’ he snapped. ‘You never want to do anything any more anyway. Every single night, you come home in your cranky moods and bitch at me about everything!’

Holly’s jaw dropped. ‘Excuse me! I have been working hard!’

‘And so have I, but you don’t see me biting your head off every time I don’t get my own way.’

‘Gerry this isn’t about me getting my own way, this is about you inviting the whole street into our h—’

‘IT’S FRIDAY,’ he yelled, silencing her, ‘IT’S THE WEEKEND! When is the last time you went out? Leave your work behind and let your hair down, for a change. Stop acting like such a GRANNY!’ And he stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door.

After spending a long time in the bedroom hating Gerry and dreaming of a divorce she managed to calm down and think rationally about what he had said. And he was right. OK, he wasn’t right in the way he had phrased it but she had been cranky and bitchy all month and she knew it.

Holly was the type of person who finished work at 5 p.m. and had her computer switched off, lights off, desk tidied and was running for her train by 5.01 p.m. whether her employers liked it or not. She never took her work home, never stressed about the future of the business because, quite frankly, she didn’t care, and phoned in sick as many Monday mornings as possible without running the risk of being fired. But due to a momentary lapse of concentration when looking for new employment, she had found herself accepting an office job that forced her to take paperwork home, agree to work late and worry about the business, which she was not happy with at all. How she even managed to stay there for an entire month was anybody’s guess but, nevertheless, Gerry had been right. Ouch, it even hurt to think it. She hadn’t gone out with him or her friends for weeks and fell asleep the minute her head hit the pillow every night. Come to think of it, that was probably Gerry’s main problem, never mind the bitchiness.

But tonight would be different. She intended showing her neglected friends and husband that she was still the fun and frivolous Holly who could drink them all under the table and still manage to walk the white line all the way home. This show of antics began by preparing home-made cocktails. God only knows what was in them, but they worked their magic, and at eleven o’clock they were all dancing down the road to the pub where karaoke was taking place. Holly demanded to be first up and heckled the karaoke host until she got her way. The pub was jammed and that night there was a very rowdy crowd who were out on a stag night. It was as though a film crew had arrived in the pub hours earlier and worked away, setting the scene for disaster. They couldn’t have done a better job.

The DJ gave Holly a huge build-up after believing her lies of being a professional singer. Gerry lost all power of speech and sight from laughing so hard but she was determined to show him that she could still let her hair down. He needn’t plan that divorce just yet. Holly decided to sing ‘Like a Virgin’ and dedicated it to the man who was getting married the next day. As soon as she started singing, Holly had never heard so many boos in her whole life and at such a loud volume. But she was so drunk she didn’t care and continued on singing to her husband, who seemed to be the only one without a moody face.

Eventually, when people began to throw things at the stage, and when the karaoke host himself encouraged them to boo even louder, Holly felt that her work there had been done. When she handed him back the microphone there was a cheer so loud that people from the pub next door came running in. There were all the more people to see Holly trip down the steps in her stilettos and fall flat on her face. They all watched as her skirt went flying over her head to reveal the old underwear, which had once been white and which she hadn’t bothered to change when she got home from work.

Holly was taken to hospital to see to her broken nose.

Gerry lost his voice from laughing so loudly and Denise and Sharon helped matters by taking photographs of the scene of the crime, which Denise then chose as the cover for the invitations to her Christmas party with the heading, ‘Let’s get legless!’

Holly vowed never to do karaoke again.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

‘Holly Kennedy? Are you here?’ the karaoke host’s voice boomed. The crowd’s applause died down into a loud chatter as everyone looked around in search of Holly. Well, they would be a long time looking, she thought as she lowered the toilet seat lid and sat down to wait for the excitement to settle so they could move on to their next victim. She closed her eyes, rested her head on her hands, and prayed for this moment to pass. She wanted to open her eyes and be at home safely, a week from now. She counted to ten, praying for a miracle and then slowly opened them again.