PS, I Love You

You are strong and brave and you can get through this. We shared some beautiful times together and you made my life … you made my life. I have no regrets.

But I am just a chapter in your life – there will be many more. Remember our wonderful memories, but please don’t be afraid to make some more.

Thank you for doing me the honour of being my wife. For everything, I am eternally grateful.

Whenever you need me, know that I am with you.

Love for ever,

Your husband and best friend,

Gerry.

PS. I promised a list, so here it is. The following envelopes must be opened exactly when labelled and must be obeyed. And remember, I’m looking out for you, so I will know …

Holly broke down, sadness sweeping over her. Yet she felt relief at the same time; relief that Gerry would somehow continue to be with her for another little while. She leafed through the small white envelopes and searched through the months. It was April now. She had missed March so she delicately picked out the envelope. She opened it slowly, wanting to savour every moment. Inside was a small card with Gerry’s handwriting on it. It read:

Save yourself the bruises and buy a bedside lamp!

PS. I love you …

Her tears turned to laughter as she realised her Gerry was back!

Holly read and reread his letter over and over again in an attempt to summon him back to life. Eventually, when she could no longer see the words through her tears, she looked out to sea. She had always found the sea so calming, and even as a child she would run across the road to the beach if she was upset and needed to think. Her parents knew that when she went missing from the house they would find her here by the sea.

She closed her eyes and breathed in and out along with the gentle sighing of the waves. It was as though the sea was taking big deep breaths; pulling the water in while it inhaled and pushing it all back up onto the sand as it exhaled. She continued to breathe along with it and felt her pulse rate slow down as she became calmer. She thought about how she used to lie by Gerry’s side during his final days and listen to the sound of his breathing. She had been terrified to leave him, even to answer the door, to fix him some food or to go to the toilet, just in case that was the time he chose to leave her. When she would return to his bedside she would sit frozen in a terrified silence while she listened for his breathing and watched his chest for any movement.

But he’d always managed to hang on. He had baffled the doctors with his strength and determination to live; Gerry wasn’t prepared to go without a fight. He kept his good humour right up until the end. He was so weak and his voice so quiet, but Holly had learned to understand his new language as a mother does her babbling child just learning to talk. They would giggle together late into the night and other nights they would hold each other and cry. Holly remained strong for him. Throughout, her new job was to be there for him whenever he needed her. Looking back on it, she knew that she really needed him more than he needed her. She needed to be needed so she could feel that she wasn’t just standing idly by, utterly helpless.

On the second of February at four o’clock in the morning, Holly held Gerry’s hand tightly and smiled at him encouragingly as he took his last breath and closed his eyes. She didn’t want him to be afraid, and she didn’t want him to feel that she was afraid, because at that moment she wasn’t. She felt relief – relief that his pain was gone, and relief that she had been there with him to witness the peace of his passing. She felt relieved to have known him, to have loved him and to be loved by him, and relief that the last thing he saw was her face smiling down on him, encouraging him and assuring him it was OK to let go.

The days after that were a blur to her now. She had occupied herself by making the funeral arrangements and by meeting and greeting Gerry’s relatives and old school friends that she hadn’t seen for years. She remained so solid and calm through it all. She was just thankful that, after months, his suffering was over. It didn’t occur to her to feel the anger or bitterness that she felt now for the life that was taken away from her. That feeling didn’t arrive until she went to collect her husband’s death certificate.

And then that feeling made a grand appearance.

As she sat in the crowded waiting room of her local health clinic, waiting for her number to be called, she wondered why on earth Gerry’s number had been called so early in his life. She was sandwiched between a young couple and an elderly one – the picture of what she and Gerry had once been, and a glimpse of the future they could have had. And it all just seemed unfair. While the noise of screaming children was amplified in the room, Holly felt squashed between the shoulders of her past and her lost future, and she felt suffocated. She shouldn’t have to be there.

None of her friends had to be there.

None of her family had to be there.

In fact the majority of the population of the world didn’t have to be in the position she was in right then.

It didn’t seem fair.

Because it just wasn’t fair.

After presenting the official proof of her husband’s death to bank managers and insurance companies, as if the look on her face wasn’t proof enough, Holly returned home to her nest and locked herself away from the rest of the world that contained hundreds of memories of the life she had once had. The life she had been very happy with. So why had she been given another one, and a far worse one at that?

That was two months ago, and she hadn’t left the house until today. And what a welcome she had been given, she thought, smiling down at the envelopes. Gerry was back.

Holly could hardly contain her excitement as she furiously dialled Sharon’s number with trembling hands. After reaching a few wrong numbers she eventually calmed herself and concentrated on dialling correctly.

‘Sharon!’ she squealed as soon as the phone was picked up. ‘You’ll never guess what. Oh my God, I can’t believe it!’

‘Eh, no … it’s John, but I’ll get her for you now.’ A worried John rushed off to get Sharon.

‘What, what, what?’ panted a very out-of-breath Sharon. ‘What’s wrong? Are you OK?’

‘Yes, I’m fine!’ Holly started giggling hysterically, not knowing whether to laugh or cry and suddenly forgetting how to structure a sentence.

John watched as Sharon sat down at her kitchen table, looking very confused while she tried with all her strength to make sense of the rambling Holly. It was something about Mrs Kennedy giving Holly a brown envelope with a bedside lamp in it. It was all very worrying.

‘STOP!’ shouted Sharon, much to Holly and John’s surprise. ‘I cannot understand a word you are saying, so please,’ Sharon spoke very slowly, ‘slow down, take a deep breath and start from the very beginning, preferably using words from the English language.’

Suddenly she heard quiet sobs from the other end.

‘Oh, Sharon,’ Holly’s words were quiet and broken, ‘he wrote me a list. Gerry wrote me a list.’

Sharon froze in her chair while she digested this information.

John watched his wife’s eyes widen and he quickly pulled out a chair and sat next to her, shoving his head towards the telephone so he could hear what was going on.

‘OK, Holly, I want you to get over here as quickly but as safely as you can.’ Sharon paused again and swatted John’s head away as if he was a fly so she could concentrate on what she had just heard. ‘This is … great news?’

John stood up from the table, insulted, and began to pace the kitchen floor, trying to guess what the news could be.

‘Oh, it is, Sharon,’ sobbed Holly, ‘it really is.’

‘OK, make your way over here now and we can talk about it.’

‘OK.’

Sharon hung up the phone and sat in silence.

‘What? What is it?’ demanded John.

‘Oh, sorry, love. Holly’s on the way over. She … em … she said that eh …’

‘WHAT, for Christsake?’

‘She said that Gerry wrote her a list.’

John studied her face and tried to decide if she was serious. Sharon’s worried blue eyes stared back at him and he realised she was. He joined her at the table and they both sat in silence and stared at the wall, lost in thought.

CHAPTER SIX

‘Wow,’ was all Sharon and John could say as the three of them sat around the kitchen table in silence, staring at the contents of the package that Holly had emptied as evidence. Conversation between them had been minimal for the last few minutes as they all tried to decide how they felt. It had gone something like this:

‘But how did he manage to …?’

‘But how didn’t we notice him … well …? God.’

‘When do you think he …? Well, I suppose he was on his own sometimes …’

Holly and Sharon just sat looking at each other while John stuttered and stammered his way through trying to figure out just when, where and how his terminally ill friend had managed to carry out this idea all alone without anyone finding out.

‘Wow,’ he eventually repeated after coming to the conclusion that Gerry had done just that. He had carried it out alone.

‘I know,’ Holly agreed. ‘So the two of you had absolutely no idea then?’

‘Well, I don’t know about you, Holly, but it’s pretty clear to me that John was the mastermind behind all of this,’ Sharon said sarcastically.

‘Ha-ha,’ John replied drily. ‘He kept his word, anyway, didn’t he?’ John looked to both of the girls with a smile on his face.

‘He sure did,’ Holly said quietly.

‘Are you OK, Holly? I mean, how do you feel about all this? It must be … weird,’ asked Sharon again, clearly concerned.

‘I feel fine.’ Holly was thoughtful. ‘Actually, I think it’s the best thing that could have happened right now! It’s funny, though, how amazed we all are, considering how much we went on about this list. I mean, I should have been expecting it.’

‘Yeah, but we never expected any of us to ever do it!’ said John.

‘But why not?’ questioned Holly. ‘This was the whole reason for it in the first place! To be able to help your loved ones after you go.’

‘I think Gerry was the only one who took it really seriously.’

‘Sharon, Gerry is the only one of us who is gone. Who knows how seriously anyone else would have taken it?’

There was a silence.

‘Well, let’s study this more closely then,’ perked up John, suddenly starting to enjoy himself. ‘There’s how many envelopes?’

‘Em … there’s ten,’ counted Sharon, joining in with the spirit of their new task.

‘OK, so what months are there?’ John asked. Holly sorted through the pile.

‘There’s March, which is the lamp one I’ve already opened, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December.’

‘So there’s a message for every month left in the year,’ Sharon said slowly, lost in thought. They sat in silence, thinking the same thing: Gerry had known he wouldn’t live past February.

Holly looked happily at her friends. Whatever Gerry had in store for her was going to be interesting, but he had already succeeded in making her feel almost normal again, laughing with John and Sharon while they guessed what the envelopes contained. It was as though he was still with them.

‘Hold on!’ John exclaimed very seriously.

‘What?’

His blue eyes twinkled. ‘It’s April now and you haven’t opened this month’s envelope yet.’

‘Oh, of course! Should I do it now?’

‘Go on,’ encouraged Sharon.

Holly picked up the envelope and slowly opened it. There were only eight more to open after this and she wanted to treasure every second before it became another memory. She pulled out the little card.

A disco diva must always look her best. Go shopping for an outfit as you’ll need it for next month!

PS. I love you …

‘Ooooh,’ John and Sharon squealed with excitement, ‘he’s getting cryptic!’

CHAPTER SEVEN

Holly lay on her bed, switching the lamp on and off, with a smile on her face like a demented woman. She and Sharon had gone shopping in Bed Knobs and Broomsticks in Malahide, and both girls had eventually agreed on the beautifully carved wooden stand and the cream shade that matched the cream and wooden furnishings of the master bedroom (of course they had chosen the most ridiculously expensive one, it would have been wrong to spoil tradition). And although Gerry hadn’t physically been there with her as she bought it, she felt as though they had made the purchase together.

She had drawn the curtains of her bedroom in order to test her new merchandise. The bedside lamp had a softening effect on the room, making it appear warmer. How easily this could have ended their nightly arguments, but perhaps neither of them wanted to end them. It had become a routine, something familiar that made them feel closer. How she would give anything to have one of those little arguments now. And she would gladly get out of her cosy bed for him, she would gladly walk on the cold floor for him, and she would gladly bruise herself on the bedpost whilst fumbling in the dark for the bed. But that time was gone.

The sound of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ snapped her back to the present as she realised her mobile phone was ringing.

‘Hello?’

‘G’day, mate, I’m hooooome!’ shrieked a familiar voice.

‘Oh my God, Ciara! I didn’t know you were coming home!’

‘Well, neither did I, actually, but I ran out of money and decided to surprise you all!’

‘Wow, I bet Mum and Dad were surprised all right.’

‘Well, Dad did drop the towel with fright when he stepped out of the shower.’

Holly covered her face with her hands, ‘Oh, Ciara, he didn’t!’

‘No hugs for Daddy when I saw him!’ Ciara laughed.

‘Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. Change the subject, I’m having horrible visions,’ Holly laughed.

‘OK, well, I was calling to tell you that I was home, obviously, and that Mum’s organising dinner tonight to celebrate.’

‘Celebrate what?’

‘Me being alive.’

‘Oh, OK. I thought you might have an announcement or something.’

‘That I’m alive.’

‘O … K. So who’ll be there?’

‘The whole family.’

‘Did I mention that I’m going to the dentist to have all my teeth pulled out? Sorry I can’t make it.’

‘I know, I know, I said the same thing to Mum, but we haven’t all been together for ages. Sure, when’s the last time you’ve even seen Richard and Meredith?’

‘Oh, good ol’ Dick – he was in flying form at the funeral. Had lots of wise and comforting things to say to me like, “Did you not consider donating his brain to medical science?” Yes, he’s a fantastic brother all right.’

‘Oh gosh, Holly, I’m sorry, I forgot about the funeral.’ Her sister’s voice changed. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.’

‘Ciara, don’t be silly. We both decided it was best you stay,’ Holly said briskly. ‘It’s far too expensive to be flying back and forth from Australia so let’s not bring it back up, OK?’

‘OK.’

Holly quickly changed the subject. ‘So when you say the whole family, do you mean …?’

‘Yes, Richard and Meredith are bringing our adorable little niece and nephew. And Jack and Abbey are coming, you’ll be pleased to know. Declan will be there in body but probably not in mind, Mum, Dad and me, of course, and you WILL be there.’

Holly groaned. As much as Holly moaned about her family she had a great relationship with her brother Jack. He was only two years older than she, so they had been close when growing up, and he had always been very protective of her. Their mother had called them her ‘two little elves’, because they were always getting up to mischief around the house, usually aimed at their eldest brother, Richard. Jack was similar to Holly in both looks and personality, and she considered him to be the most normal of her siblings. It also helped that she got along with his partner of seven years, Abbey, and when Gerry was alive the four of them often met up for dinner and drinks. When Gerry was alive … God, that didn’t sound right.

Ciara was a different kettle of fish altogether. Jack and Holly were convinced she was from the planet Ciara, population: one. Ciara had the look of their father – long legs and dark hair. She also had various tattoos and piercings on her body as a result of her travels around the world. A tattoo for every country, her dad used to joke. A tattoo for every man, Holly and Jack were convinced.

Of course, this carry-on was all frowned upon by the eldest sibling, Richard (or Dick, as he was known to Jack and Holly). Richard was born with the serious affliction of being an eternal old man. His life revolved around rules and regulations and obedience. When he was younger he had one friend and they had a fight when they were ten, and after that Holly could never remember him bringing anyone home, having any girlfriends or ever going out to socialise. She and Jack thought it was a wonder he even met his equally joyless wife, Meredith – probably at an anti-happiness convention.

It wasn’t as though Holly had the worst family in the world, it was just that they were such a strange mix of people. The huge clashes of personalities usually led to arguments at the most inappropriate times or, as Holly’s parents preferred to call them, ‘heavy discussions’. They could get along, but that was with everyone really trying and being on their best behaviour.

Holly and Jack often met up for lunch or for drinks, just to catch up on each other’s lives. She enjoyed his company and considered him to be not only a brother but a real friend. Lately they hadn’t seen much of each other. Jack understood Holly well and knew when she needed her space.

The only time Holly caught up on her younger brother, Declan’s, life was when she called at the house looking for her parents and he would answer. Declan wasn’t a great conversationalist. He was an overgrown ‘boy’ who didn’t yet quite feel comfortable in the company of adults so Holly never really knew that much about him. Although she was aware of his unbreakable loyalty to his band, The Orgasmic Fish (whom she had yet to see perform), and if it wasn’t a guitar that he had in his hand, it was a video camera. A nice guy, he just had his head up in the clouds a bit.

Ciara, her twenty-four-year-old little sister, had been away for the entire year and Holly had missed her. They were never the kind of sisters to swap clothes and giggle about boys – their tastes differed so much – though as the only two girls in a family of brothers, they formed a bond. But Ciara was closer to Declan; both of them were dreamers. With Jack and Holly inseparable as children and friends as adults, that left Richard. He was out on his own in the family but Holly suspected he liked that feeling of being separated from those he couldn’t quite understand. Holly was dreading his lectures on all-things-boring, his insensitive questioning of her life and just the whole feeling of being frustrated by comment after comment at the dinner table. But it was a welcome-home dinner for Ciara, and Jack would be there; Holly could count on him.

But was Holly looking forward to tonight? Absolutely not.

Holly reluctantly knocked on the door and immediately heard the pounding of tiny feet flying towards the door, followed by a voice so loud that should not have belonged to a child.

‘Mummy! Daddy! It’s Aunty Holly, it’s Aunty Holly!’

It was nephew Timothy, nephew Timothy.

His happiness was suddenly crushed by a stern voice (although it was unusual for her nephew to be happy about Holly’s arrival. Things must be even more boring in there than usual). ‘Timothy! What did I tell you about running in the house? You could fall and hurt yourself. Now go stand in the corner and think about what I said. Do I make myself clear?’

‘Yes, Mummy.’

‘Ah, come on, Meredith, will he hurt himself on the carpet or on the comfy padded couch?’

Holly laughed to herself; Ciara was definitely home. Just as Holly was contemplating escape, the door swung open and there stood Meredith. She looked even more sour-faced and unwelcoming than usual.

‘Holly.’ She nodded her head in acknowledgement.

‘Meredith,’ Holly imitated.

Once in the living room Holly looked around for Jack, but to her disappointment he was nowhere to be seen. Richard stood in front of the fireplace, dressed in a surprisingly colourful sweater; perhaps he was letting his hair down tonight. He had his hands in his pockets and was rocking back and forth from his heels to the balls of his toes like a man mid-lecture. His lecture was aimed at their father, Frank, who sat uncomfortably in his favourite armchair, looking like a chastised schoolboy. Richard was so lost in his story he didn’t see Holly. She blew her poor father a kiss from across the room, not wanting to be brought into their conversation. He smiled at her and pretended to catch her kiss.

Declan was slumped on the couch wearing his ripped jeans and South Park T-shirt, puffing furiously on a cigarette while Meredith warned him of the dangers of smoking. ‘Really? I didn’t know that,’ he said, sounding worryingly interested while stabbing out his cigarette. Meredith’s face looked satisfied until Declan winked at Holly, reached for the box and immediately lit up another one. ‘Tell me some more, please, I’m just dying to know.’ Meredith stared back at him in disgust.

Ciara was hiding behind the couch, throwing pieces of popcorn at the back of Timothy’s head. He stood facing the wall in the corner of the room, too afraid to turn round. Abbey was pinned to the floor and being bossed around by little five-year-old Emily and an evil-looking doll. She caught Holly’s eye and mouthed ‘Help’ to her.

‘Hi, Ciara.’ Holly approached her sister, who jumped up and gave her a big hug, squeezing Holly a bit tighter than usual. ‘Nice hair.’

‘You like it?’

‘Yeah, pink is really your colour.’

Ciara looked satisfied. ‘That’s what I tried to tell them,’ she said, squinting at Richard and Meredith. ‘So how’s my big sis?’ Ciara asked softly, rubbing Holly’s arm affectionately.

‘Oh, you know,’ Holly smiled weakly. ‘I’m hanging in there.’

‘Jack is in the kitchen helping your mum with the dinner, if you’re looking for him, Holly,’ Abbey announced, then widening her eyes and mouthing ‘Help me’ again.

Holly raised her eyebrows at Abbey. ‘Really? Well, isn’t he great, helping out Mum?’

‘Oh, Holly, you know how much Jack just loves cooking. Can’t get enough of it,’ she said sarcastically.

Holly’s dad chuckled to himself, which stopped Richard in his tracks.

‘What’s so funny, Father?’

Frank shifted in his seat nervously. ‘I just find it remarkable that all this happens in one tiny little test tube.’

Richard let out a disapproving sigh at his father’s stupidity. ‘Yes, but you have to understand these are so minuscule, Father, it’s rather fascinating. The organisms combine with the …’ And away he went again while his father settled back down in his chair and tried to avoid eye contact with Holly.

Holly tiptoed quietly into the kitchen where she found her brother at the table with his feet up on a chair, munching on some food. ‘Ah, here he is, the Naked Chef himself.’

Jack smiled and stood up. ‘There’s my favourite sister.’ He scrunched up his nose. ‘I see you got roped into coming to this thing as well.’ He walked towards her and held out his arms to offer her one of his big bear hugs. ‘How are you?’ he said quietly into her ear.

‘I’m OK, thanks.’ Holly smiled sadly and kissed him on the cheek before turning to her mother. ‘Darling Mother, I am here to offer my services at this extremely stressful and busy time of your life,’ Holly said, planting a kiss on her mother’s flushed cheek.