You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas

Can buy fireworks.

Can enter or work in a betting shop.

Can apply to change sex.

Can leave home without parental consent.

Can get married without parental consent.

Can join the police.

Can vote in general and local elections.

Can be tattooed.

Can apply for a passport without parental consent.

Age twenty-one

Can adopt a child.

Can become an MP, local councillor or mayor.

Abortion

Can my daughter have a termination without my consent?

In the UK (although not in Northern Ireland) any girl can have a termination without telling her parents, as long as two doctors agree that she fully understands what is involved and that it is in her best interests. In a nutshell, doctors must agree that an abortion would cause less damage to a girl’s physical or mental health than continuing with the pregnancy. Most doctors feel that the distress of having to continue with an unwanted pregnancy is likely to be harmful to health.

All information, advice and services are confidential; however, if the doctors believe that she is at risk of harm in any way (as a result of sexual or emotional abuse, for example), they are obliged to involve social services – but not, interestingly, the girl’s parents. This applies until a girl reaches adulthood in the eyes of the law, which is currently eighteen years of age.

The implications of the government’s guidance in England mean that doctors and health practitioners are likely to be more concerned about young people under the age of thirteen who are having sex; these professionals may think it would be in the young person’s best interests to have some extra help from a social worker. In Northern Ireland this applies to young people under the age of fourteen. However, despite the fact that sex under the age of sixteen is illegal, girls can still have an abortion under this age without parental consent, and in full confidence.

Is abortion legal in Northern Ireland?

Abortion is legal in Northern Ireland in exceptional circumstances, but current guidance is unclear and many women in Northern Ireland find it difficult to obtain an abortion unless they travel to England.

Will her GP let me know if my daughter has a termination?

Your daughter has a right to full confidentiality. Even her GP may not be notified if she expresses a wish that the GP is not informed. You may, in fact, be the last person to know.

Most doctors do encourage young girls to discuss the matter with their parents – if only because the girl concerned needs to make an informed choice and may not realise that there are options within a supportive family unit. However, no one can force your daughter to tell you anything.

The most important thing any parent can do is to keep open the channels of communication with their daughters, to ensure that any problems can be successfully aired, without recrimination or blame. Your daughter will not involve you in situations where she thinks that she may be punished, or lose your love and acceptance. Termination is a traumatic, distressing intervention for many girls, and without support, their emotional health can be dramatically affected. What’s more, there is a medical risk to abortion procedures, and girls need to have follow-up treatment and may also require a course of antibiotics. This will need to be supervised, particularly in younger girls.

Is the situation the same in the US?

Only two states – Connecticut and Maine – and the District of Columbia have laws that allow girls under the age of eighteen to obtain an abortion on her own. In contrast, 31 states have laws that require the involvement of at least one parent in their daughter’s abortion decision; in 16 of these states, a minor must have the consent of one or both parents, and in the other 15 states, one or both parents must be notified prior to the abortion.

Almost all provide a confidential alternative to parental involvement in the form of a judicial bypass, in which a minor may obtain authorisation for an abortion from a judge without informing her parents.

Because terminating an unplanned pregnancy can have a significant long-term impact on a woman’s psychological and emotional well-being, US legislators believe that parental guidance is especially important. Strangely, however, more than half of the states that require parental involvement for abortion permit a pregnant minor to make the decision to continue her pregnancy and to consent to antenatal care and delivery without consulting a parent. In addition, states appear to consider a minor who is a parent to be fully competent to make major decisions affecting the health and future of his or her child, even though many of these same states require an under-age girl to involve her parents if she decides to terminate her pregnancy!

How old does a girl need to be to have a termination?

In England, Wales and Scotland a woman of any age can have an abortion (termination). In Jersey, abortion is only legal up to twelve weeks. She has no legal obligation to consult with her family or even the father of the unborn baby.

What is the situation in Europe?

In many European countries, girls must be sixteen years old to have an abortion. What’s more, the gestational age limit (the ‘age’ of the pregnancy) is twelve weeks, meaning that anyone under the age of sixteen and over twelve weeks’ pregnant will not be granted access to the procedure. Almost all countries in the EU require parental consent and a doctor’s approval.

What about Ireland?

In Ireland abortion is banned under most circumstances. However, the law does allow pregnant women to receive counselling and information about all their options. Girls then have a legal right to leave Ireland in order to have an abortion. Most women travel to England where it is legal to have an abortion up to 24 weeks into the pregnancy.

Is my daughter old enough to choose termination?

Legally, any girl in England, Wales and Scotland can have an abortion without her parents’ consent or approval, providing that doctors believe she has a full understanding of the decision, and that it would be in her best interests to do so.

However, if a girl under the age of sixteen does not want an abortion she cannot be forced to have one. In other words, the choice is your daughter’s alone, and she does not need to consult anyone apart from a doctor or clinic.

Is counselling offered beforehand?

In almost all cases, counselling is offered before abortion. This is, however, not obligatory. Counselling normally involves discussing the options open to the girl, as well as ensuring that she has all the information she needs to make an informed choice. Counselling is confidential and non-judgmental, and simply involves helping a young woman to reach a decision in a supportive environment.

While abortion is a personal choice, it is often affected by factors outside a girl’s control – for example, her family set-up, her relationship with her parents, finances, her relationship with the father, her age, her schooling, her aspirations, housing and emotions. It is undoubtedly true that few girls under the age of sixteen would have the emotional maturity to balance these factors and make a sound judgement. For this reason, it’s hugely important that parents are involved in the decision-making process.

Parents of girls should make it clear from early on that although pregnancy and under-aged sex is not advisable, you do wish to be involved if the situation arises.

TALKING TO GIRLS ABOUT ABORTION

The single most important thing you can do for your daughter is to listen. Abortion is not an easy decision to make at any age, and a young woman needs support. If you show displeasure or disappointment, or become upset or angry, your daughter will likely avoid confiding in you in future. The decision to have an abortion has many elements, but ultimately it is your daughter’s decision, and she needs to think it through.

What does my daughter have to consider?

There are many considerations – finances, education, living arrangements, her relationship with the father are all important. Some girls are idealistic and think having a baby will be fun and games without stopping to consider the reality of being responsible for another human being for the rest of that child’s life. Social life will be curtailed, and education will also be affected. Many young mothers go on to complete degrees or learn a trade, but it isn’t an easy option. Having a baby puts strain on even the strongest relationships, and this is significant if your daughter wants her child to grow up with a father around.

Can I object on moral grounds?

For moral, ethical or religious reasons, you may object to abortion; however, while it is important to put your views across in a calm and rational way, and to discuss them, it is important to remember that your daughter is the primary decision-maker and she has the right to choose what is best for her.

At least one in four women will have had an abortion by the age of forty-five and it is a safe procedure in almost all cases. Far fewer women under the age of sixteen have abortions than women over the age of forty. Studies show that very few girls and women use abortion as a form of contraception.

Does having an abortion lead to psychological problems?

Several studies have shown that having an abortion does not lead to psychological problems. Although women may regret having to have an abortion the vast majority find that they have no emotional problems after it. A small number – about three per cent – have long-term feelings of guilt and some of this number feel that the abortion was a mistake. But for these women the unwanted pregnancy was usually one of many problems in their lives, and these problems continued after the abortion. There is some evidence to suggest that for most of these women not having the abortion would not have improved their situation or might have made it worse.

What should I do?

Stay calm – your daughter will likely be frightened and shocked, and also worried about how you will react.

Avoid lecturing. While it is important to be honest about your feelings, your daughter has the right to be honest about hers too, and listening is crucial.

Chastisement is useless, the damage is done. Being supportive does not preclude being disappointed or unhappy. It’s fine to express your concerns and your feelings, but it is equally important to remember that this is not about you but about your daughter.

Don’t insist that she take a particular option; explain your reasoning for it.

Tell your teen what you think of each of the options available to her, and offer to go with her to look into each of the options so she can make informed decisions.

Be honest about the practicalities. If you are against abortion, but have no desire to help raise a baby, you have little room in your home and your finances are already stretched, there is no point in promising something that you have no possibility of fulfilling in order to sway her decision.

What should I not do?

Accuse your daughter of being stupid or promiscuous.

Threaten or force her to follow your decision.

Press for details of her sex life. If she’s pregnant, she’s obviously sexually active, and this is a private matter.

Ask her to leave the family home. Being homeless will only compound the problem, and leave your daughter without resources and support when she needs it most.

Lose your temper. Move on and make the best of the situation. Work together to ensure that it does not arise again.

Are there any support organisations?

Listed overleaf are several organisations that can offer support for both you and your daughter, and also provide information on the procedures available and the aftermath.

Family Planning Association

Information and advice on all aspects of sexual health.

Tel: [phone]

www.fpa.org.uk

Brook

Information, advice and guidance for young people under twenty-five on sex, relationships and contraception.

Tel: [phone]

www.brook.org.uk

Youth Access

A national network of youth advice, information, support and counselling agencies.

www.youthaccess.org.uk

British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS)

Offers information and counselling for those considering abortion. It provides abortions for NHS and private patients.

Tel: [phone]

www.bpas.org

Education For Choice

Information about pregnancy and abortion.

www.educationforchoice.blogspot.co.uk

My son’s girlfriend is pregnant and she wants a termination. What are his rights?

Your son does not have a legal right to decide whether or not his girlfriend should continue with or end her pregnancy. She is also under no obligation to tell him that she is pregnant, nor that she has had or is planning to have a termination. This can be very distressing for many young men, who may have strong ideas about the pregnancy and what is morally right. The organisations listed above can also help him to accept her decision, and to get support if required.

Alcohol

When can my son drink alcohol legally?

In the UK, the legal drinking age is eighteen. This means your son can purchase and drink alcohol without an ‘adult’ being present. If he’s sixteen, he can have beer, cider or wine in a restaurant or a pub with an area set aside for meals, as long as the alcohol is served with food and he is accompanied by an adult. The rules are different for consuming alcohol on private premises, in other words, your home (see page).

What happens in Europe?

European countries typically have a legal drinking ages of sixteen or eighteen. For example, in the Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland and Austria, you have to be sixteen to buy beer or wine and eighteen to buy distilled alcoholic beverages (spirits).

What happens in the US?

In the US, the legal age for purchase or possession (but not necessarily consumption) in every state has been twenty-one since the passage of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act in 1984. Many states specifically allow consumption under the age of twenty-one for religious or health reasons or with parental approval. In Canada, the legal drinking age is eighteen in the provinces of Alberta, Manitoba and Quebec, and nineteen elsewhere.

At what age is it safe for children to drink small amounts of alcohol (at a celebration, for example)?

In the UK, serving a child alcohol in your own home is legally allowed from age five, but not recommended for health reasons. For one thing, even a small quantity of alcohol impairs judgement, and very little is required to become ‘drunk’ at such a tender age. Moreover, many doctors recommend that children under eighteen should not drink alcohol at all, because their bodies are still developing – in particular, the liver, which breaks down alcohol, is not fully developed until the age of about twenty-one. This is also the age at which the hypothalamus, the part of the brain most affected by alcohol, matures. Drinking before this age increases the risk of addiction; in fact, studies show that countries that allow youth drinking have a much higher incidence of adult alcoholism.

Having said that, a thimbleful of wine or champagne at a family celebration is unlikely to do any long-term damage. It’s worth noting, too, that parents who adopt an open policy about alcohol use, and take the time to educate their kids about the potential dangers while offering supervision, are less likely to have children who drink subversively – and over drink! After all, a child is less likely to get ‘drunk’ while a parent is around and if alcohol is not regarded as a forbidden fruit, it’s less likely to tempt kids, particularly in periods of rebellion.

What are the recommended safe levels of consumption?

It is certainly worth bearing in mind the recommended safe levels of alcohol consumption for adults and be even more cautious where your children are concerned.

Experts advise that men drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week and no more than four units in any one day. Women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week and no more than three units in any one day. One unit of alcohol is equivalent to a small 25 ml measure of spirits, 125 ml glass of wine or half a pint of ordinary strength beer.

When can you take a child into the pub?

You can take your child to the pub from any age, but he must be supervised by someone over the age of eighteen. He will not be able to enter the ‘bar’ of a pub, unless it has a children’s certificate, and if it does have a certificate, he can only go into parts of licenced premises where alcohol is either sold but not drunk (for example, a sales point for consumption away from the pub), or drunk but not sold (for example, a garden or family room).

Between the ages of fourteen and fifteen, your child can go anywhere in a pub, as long as he is supervised by an adult, but he may not drink alcohol. After the age of sixteen your child can buy or be bought beer, wine or cider to drink with a meal, if he’s with an adult. Otherwise, it is against the law for anyone under eighteen to buy or drink alcohol in a pub.

Children cannot go to the pub alone until they are sixteen.

When can my child have a glass of wine with dinner?

Theoretically, you can serve a small amount of wine with dinner from the age of five, but for obvious reasons this is not ideal!

Having said that, many children begin to experiment with alcohol outside the home between the ages of ten and fourteen, and a 2006 survey found that nine out of ten teenagers drank alcohol by the age of fifteen. The average age for drinking a whole ‘drink’ is twelve and a half.

One survey, published by the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University, suggests that parents should teach their children to be sensible with alcohol by letting them have a glass of wine over dinner – from pre- to early teens. Researchers claim that teenagers who buy their own alcohol are more likely to be binge drinkers.

Professor Mark Bellis, who led the study, feels that parents should adopt a ‘Mediterranean approach’, where youngsters drink in moderation. He says sensible drinking is a ‘life skill’ and that ‘the ability to drink alcohol sensibly is not a gift people are born with but one that must be learnt’, confirming that ‘a Mediterranean approach to alcohol consumption, with food and with restraint, is unlikely to ever develop in the UK unless parents demonstrate such behaviours and help develop them in their children.’

My son wants alcohol served at his birthday party, because all his friends apparently serve drinks at their parties. He’s only sixteen. Is he old enough?

Drinking in a private home is acceptable from the age of five; indeed, it is legal for anyone over the age of five to drink alcohol. The age restrictions apply to purchasing (under eighteen years old) and location – on licensed premises or in alcohol-exclusion zones. So, theoretically, yes, you can legally serve alcohol at your son’s party.

There are, however, other factors to consider. The first is that you have a duty of care to children in your home – and if there is a problem with overdrinking or an accident caused by drinking, you may be held liable. What’s more, other parents may not actually have the same approach to teen drinking as you do, and will object to having their child served alcohol under the age of eighteen or outside their home.

If you feel comfortable with a small amount of alcohol being served, and the parents of his friends are in agreement, consider the following tips:

Make it clear to your child and his guests what is and is not allowed.

Act as barperson yourself, or ask another responsible adult to do so. Not every teenager is responsible or mature enough to make the right decisions about intake.

Limit what’s on offer – allowing, say, a beer or two per guest, or one or two glasses of wine or alcopop.

Don’t allow guests to bring drinks to the party (even soft drinks, as they may have been spiked with alcohol).

Offer plenty of non-alcoholic drinks so that kids don’t feel pressured to drink, and have an option when they’ve drunk their fill.

Make non-alcoholic drinks attractive and ‘fun’ if possible – a juice bar with plenty of ice, fruit, juices and fizzy drinks can make this option more appealing.