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You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas
Authoritative
Authoritative or moderate parents set limits and rely on natural consequences to help children learn by making their own mistakes. Authoritative parents explain why rules are important and why they must be followed. They reason with their children and consider the children’s point of view even though they might not agree. These parents are firm, with kindness, warmth and love. They set high standards and encourage children to be independent.
Permissive
Permissive or indulgent parents are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits and allow children to set their own rules, schedules and activities. They do not demand the high levels of behaviour required by authoritarian or authoritative parents.
Uninvolved
Uninvolved parents demand little and respond minimally to their offspring. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.
Research has found that the most well-adjusted children, particularly in terms of social competence, had parents with an authoritative, moderate parenting style. These parents are able to balance clear high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for their child’s autonomy. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents have high expectations of their children and use control, but the overly strict parent expects the child to accept parental judgements unquestioningly and allows the child little freedom of expression. Children of overly strict parents are apt to be reliant on the voice of authority and to be lacking in spontaneity. In contrast, the authoritative parent permits the child enough freedom of expression so that he or she can develop a sense of independence. Permissive parents make few demands and their children have been found to have difficulty controlling their impulses, are immature and reluctant to accept responsibility.
Be prepared to listen to your child. While pre-teens and teens have an amazing capacity to exaggerate and to dramatise, there may be some truth or basis to their argument. If your child is, genuinely, the only one in his class not allowed to walk to school alone or to have a mobile telephone, ask yourself why. Challenge your own thinking and assess your reasons. If your daughter wants to have her ears pierced and you’ve said she has to wait until she is thirteen, ask yourself why. Because that was what you had to do? Is that a relevant argument? Children are not always right, but they aren’t always wrong either.
However, issues and demands are not always straightforward. In many cases there are legal implications and children also have well-defined rights. For example, your 14-year-old daughter is not legally allowed to have sexual intercourse until she is sixteen, but she can have an abortion without any consultation with or permission from her parents well under that age. At sixteen she can buy cigarettes and smoke them to her heart’s content; she can even leave home legally, but she can’t vote and she can’t have a glass of wine with her cigarette unless she’s in the family home or accompanied by an adult (and a meal) in a pub or restaurant. Your 12-year-old son can have his ear pierced and open a bank account; he can make decisions regarding his own health care, but you can be charged with neglect if you leave him alone in the family home and something goes wrong.
Peer pressure
Not only are our children subject to peer pressure, which often guides their demands and expectations, but parents are also at the mercy of pressure from peers. If every parent at your 14-year-old’s Catholic school has decided that it isn’t necessary for their child to attend Sunday mass, how do you weigh this up with what you believe is right? If all the parents in your son’s social group are allowing them to take the train up to watch the football finals at a national stadium, are you being ‘precious’ and overly cautious by objecting? If the majority of your children’s friends are not given a curfew, does that mean that your child shouldn’t have one either? If other parents do not question spending of pocket money or how children spend their leisure time, if they do not encourage any responsibility around the house, or make demands upon their children’s time for family outings or gatherings, should you follow suit? Are you making a mistake by sticking to your guns and parenting by instinct or belief?
It’s not just kid pressure that affects the way we make our decisions; we are guided by what other parents do and by what they allow. It’s not surprising that most parents worry constantly about whether they are doing the right thing, or creating the best environment for their children, and giving them the best opportunities. There is a level of insecurity that most of us feel – and when what we believe in is challenged by the media, our children, and other parents, it’s not surprising that confusion ensues, and we make allowances or concessions with which we are not always happy. We don’t want our children to be left behind in any sense, and unhappily, many of us spend a lot of time looking over our shoulders to work out if we are doing and allowing the same things as everyone else.
Finding a balance
There are ways to negotiate compromises with our children – to parent according to our own beliefs, to protect our children and to ensure that they have a safe, healthy and happy childhood, while at the same time giving them room to grow and develop, and to become independent and responsible adults.
That’s where this book comes in. We’ll look at all the important issues and aspects of raising a child from the age of about eight through to the day they leave home. In many cases, there are legal points that will guide your decision or thinking. In others, there is clear research that shows the impact of the choices we make for our children, and the results of what we might allow. Children’s charities and health and religious organisations offer advice and guidelines where legislation doesn’t exist – in the case of leaving children alone, for example, or dealing with peer pressure, bullying or health problems.
We’ll look at what happens to our children at various ages, both physically and emotionally, and what they are capable of doing and, indeed, mature enough to do, at each stage. Every child is different, and each matures at his or her own speed. What is right for one child may simply be inappropriate for another. One child may be sensible enough to walk to school at age seven, while his younger brother may have to wait another year or so. A shy, under-confident child may baulk at taking the train into town with his mates, while his more confident sister could negotiate the journey with ease at the same age. Knowledge of your children is probably the most important factor in making any decision regarding the way you parent.
There will be areas of your child’s life and lifestyle about which you feel very strongly. You may be a stickler for working hard at school or believe that children should have a role in the household, undertaking age-appropriate chores and earning their keep. You may have a faith or religion that dictates many aspects of what your child can and can’t do, and some of these things simply cannot be compromised. An important part of bringing up children is sharing our beliefs and mores, and passing on pride in and understanding of our various cultures and backgrounds. This is to be encouraged, no matter how resistant a child may be to doing things ‘your way’.
You may frown on anything illegal and insist that your child does not, for example, touch alcohol until the legal age of eighteen or ride his bike on the pavement or watch a film below an age restriction. You may have fears about the safety of mobile phones or your child’s security while travelling alone. You may disapprove of sexual relations outside of marriage, violence on television or abortion. This, too, is acceptable. Parents have a right and a responsibility to pass on their values to children, even if they don’t always fit in with current trends.
You may be aghast at the way children are brought up today – perhaps with too much freedom, too little discipline and a dearth of respect. In this sense, you may be right. In spite of the fact that we are a ‘hands-on’ generation who invest a great deal of our time in our children, there is no doubt that children are involved in more street crime and violence. And the problems don’t stop there: bullying is rife; the drinking culture is out of control; more than 25 per cent of children are obese; and teenage pregnancies and drug use are at a high level. Many teachers complain of a culture of disrespect and rude behaviour that disrupts classrooms and even shopping malls have been forced to ban hooded jackets in an attempt to keep trouble at bay. Perhaps the decisions we are currently making with and for our children are not always right. No doubt external influences play havoc with even the strongest and most moral household rules and policies, however, there can be no doubt that a generation of teenagers running riot have missed something along the line. These factors, too, must be taken into consideration.
The information in this book is designed to guide parents so that they can make the right decisions for their children. You may be worried, for example, about letting a child travel or play outside alone for fear of abduction or safety. In this case, you may be reassured to know that there are no more children murdered or abducted than there were 50 years ago; there are no more children victim to paedophiles (although there are probably plenty more opportunities, with internet chatrooms); and that roughly the same number of children are injured or killed on the roads and while playing outside as there ever were. To put it bluntly, your child is much more likely to die from other accidental causes than from a road traffic accident. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be concerned, but statistics help us to put things into perspective. The number of pedestrian fatalities in the UK peaked in 1966 with just over 3,150 deaths and has declined since then. Each year since 1990 has seen a new record low; in 2002, for instance, it was 774 (adults and children).
The secret to successful parenting is to find a balance by focusing on key areas of importance. Denying a child every element of popular culture, every opportunity to share activities with friends and every possibility of freedom will backfire. Choose your battles. There is potential for locking horns at almost every stage of your child’s life, and if you are resistant to the idea of change, negotiation or at least compromise, you will render your child powerless, thereby encouraging rebellion and deception, and undermine your relationship at key stages of development. Be prepared to explain yourself and to make allowances. Balance what your child says, what the government decrees, what other children are doing and what other parents allow with what you believe, and make a judgement on that basis.
Take the time to explain your thinking. Unexplained rules set for the sake of them will do nothing but cause frustration and resistance. What’s more, your child will learn nothing except how to accept defeat, and the defeat will breed resentment in the process. If you explain your reasons and your thinking, and are consistent about the way you approach the things that matter, your child will learn to respect you and what you believe in, even if there are a few battles along the way. This is particularly likely if you show willingness to compromise and to accommodate their demands from time to time.
UNHAPPY CHILDREN
Children growing up in the United Kingdom suffer greater deprivation, worse relationships with their parents and are exposed to more risks from alcohol, drugs and unsafe sex than those in any other wealthy country in the world, according to a 2007 study from the United Nations.
The UK is bottom of the league of 21 economically advanced countries according to a ‘report card’ put together by UNICEF on the well-being of children and adolescents, trailing the US which comes second to last. The UNICEF team assessed the treatment of children in six different areas: material well-being; health and safety; educational well-being; family and peer relationships; behaviours and risks; and young people’s own perceptions of their well-being.
If nothing else, this provides parents with even more impetus to get things right, and to ensure that the choices we make for our children are in their best interests and make a positive contribution to their overall health and well-being.
For each entry in this book, you’ll find practical advice and tips for dealing with tricky situations, negotiating compromise or getting the information you need to explain why certain behaviours or activities are unacceptable. You’ll also find lots of information that you can share with your children, if you find it difficult to explain your position. For example, it can be hard to know when to talk about drugs or sex with children, and how to approach it in the right way. While you want to get your own views across, there are also statistics and facts that children need to understand in order to make their own decisions. You’ll find plenty of advice about how to talk to your children about various subjects, what to say, when to say it – and how to get the message across in the least threatening way.
This is a book for all parents – because all parents have questions and concerns, and all of us question the way we should be bringing up our children. Use your judgement, be willing to negotiate where necessary, be consistent in your approach to issues, discipline and beliefs, and, ultimately, base your decisions on your individual child. This book is based on facts, research, theories and plenty of practical advice, which will help to guide your decision.
WHAT CHILDREN THINK
The study ‘Child Maltreatment in the UK’, published in November 2000 by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), revealed a general picture of close supervision by parents. Its survey of 3,000 young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four years old in England and Wales found that:
Meanwhile, a 1990s survey of 4,000 parents by the children’s charity Kidscape found that most parents allowed children:
What children can do:
Any age
Age five
Age seven
Age ten
Age twelve
Age fourteen
Age fifteen
Age sixteen
Age seventeen
Age eighteen
