The Blue Days Of Mine. Extended Version

I found another place

People think I'm geek, but I've become free

Death is no longer bad

When I hit a dead end

[Verse 3]

Thanks to Death

Thanks to prayer

I will see this magic heaven

The Other World

And hear angel's song…

September of 2023

Analysis: This song is the most controversial one. "Dead End" explores the theme of death not as a tragedy, but as a conscious choice and even liberation. The lyrical hero of the song finds peace and freedom in death, which are unattainable in life. However, not everything is as obvious as it seems. In the first verse, it becomes obvious that the hero is happy about what happened to him, happy about his death. This makes it seem like he committed suicide, but there is no confirmation in the song. The lyrical hero realizes that people consider his unhealthy attitude to death strange, but considers his choice to be the right one. Death has made him free, he is no longer dependent on a mortal body, and the horrors of life no longer frighten him. There's an oxymoron in the song that calls life suicidal. The meaning of this is that it was more painful for the lyrical hero to live than to die, so for him life is death, and death is life. He realizes that people will forget him, because a person's time among the living is running out quickly, so he found another place for himself. In the last lines, he says that he will soon see the Other World and hear the song of the angels. However, this may turn out to be a misconception, because if he actually committed suicide, then the torments of hell await him. But if he died for another reason, then heaven may well await him. An open ending appears before the reader, in which he decides for himself which fate is most likely for the hero of the song. In the song, there are no punctuation marks at the end of each line except the last one, which symbolizes that the story is not complete. An ellipsis appears at the end, which leaves the story unfinished.

A Ferocious Beast

song

[Verse 1]

The quick response to the long list of accusations

Is just a smirk that I used to demonstrate.

I wonder what is the point of my participation

If they will just throw stones at my gates?

[Pre-chorus]

And it was obvious

That I was fearless,

That I was serious

When I said I was not.

[Chorus]

And so they say that I am a ferocious beast.

But I don't care, I'm free and young at least.

Well, these hunters wanted to rip out my claws,

But now they have my teeth and my rage in their throat.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, please, don't go furthest.

[Verse 2]

I'm calm about all this fucking guile,

That's why I'm not trying to fight with you.

But you're so loud with saying that I'm vile.

I'm going to have to kill your point of view.

[Pre-chorus]

And it was obvious

That I was angry,

That I wasn't happy

When you said that I was.

[Chorus]

And so they say that I am a ferocious beast.

But I don't care, I'm free and young at least.

Well, these hunters wanted to rip out my claws,

But now they have my teeth and my rage in their throat.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, please, don't go furthest.

[Bridge]

And it was obvious

That I was humiliated

That I was stranded

When they said I was not.

And it was obvious

That I'll be offended

That I'll be mad at

Them and their control.

But they didn't recall

That I was left alone.

[Chorus]

And so they say that I am a ferocious beast.

But I don't care, I'm free and young at least.

Well, these hunters wanted to rip out my claws,

But now they have my teeth and my rage in their throat.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance, please, don't go furthest…

June 10th, 2024

Greenland

poem

You invited me to go to Greenland.

It seemed to me that it wasn't cold at all.

You have such warm exotic feelings.

Who would've thought that you were an Arctic squall?

A fresh stream of life-giving speeches.

It can always become a wicked swamp.

Marshy hate will leave you speechless.

All that's left for you is an azure hope.

I feel like I'm living in Greenland.

Blinding snow, cold wind and ocean.

A deceptive promise of a green land.

Try to anticipate all my emotions.

I love green eyes, but yours are evil.

Winter is over, but I feel cold and blue.

A blade of grass breaks through like a winner.

I will win if I break up with you.

Because I'm tired of living in Greenland.

Understand, this is not my climate at all.

You promised me a sea of green and

All I got was the pain and the cold.

April 24nd, 2024

Blue/Red, Good/Bad

song

[Verse 1]

I can name many types of problems.

Fatigue, love, life, death, or boredom.

Something blue, something red.

Something senseless, something bad.

But at least you have one or two of them.

[Chorus]

But something blue, something red,

Sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Sometimes something makes you feel very sad.

If something cripples, something heals.

If something heals, then something kills.

If something kills, then you know what it exactly means.

[Verse 2]

Probably, a different approach was needed.

I was burning, I was falling, I was bleeding.

This grief has maimed me rather well.

Well, I confess, I had no plan.

Why didn't anyone warn me that this was hell?

[Chorus]

But something blue, something red,

Sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Sometimes something makes you feel very sad.

If something cripples, something heals.

If something heals, then something kills.

If something kills, then you know what it exactly means.

[Post-chorus]

Something blue, something red.

Something senseless, something bad.

Sometimes something makes you feel very sad.

May 6th, 2024

***

poem

I've been living in this cursed house as a ghost.

Then you were its fearless and sceptical host.

You didn't see me, you didn't feel me there at all,

While I was crying, dying on the frozen floor.

Darling, I should've been your mad misfortune,

But you've become my curse and my torture.

With you, my eternity has become appalling hell.

And, honestly, I dreamt about it every day.

I find myself thinking that this is the end.

The curse will pass; I will return to the grave.

You'll live a happy life; I'll find eternal rest.

The haunted house will become a family nest.

But I don't want that, I'll turn you into my own kind.

I'll lock you here and make you wanna die.

We will become each other's torture, curse,

Each other's nightmare, each other's ghost…

February of 2024

The Blue Days Of Mine

song

[Verse 1]

Are you the reason for my grief?

Are you my unrivalled thief?

Could you steal my tortured heart?

And could you, please, tear it apart?

Calm me down, I beg you, please.

Or should I ask you on my knees?

I feel bad, I want you to be close.

But why are you behind a lot of doors?

[Pre-chorus]

It's getting colder and colder.

I need you to be my supporter.

[Chorus]

Sad, sad, sad, sad eyes are looking for someone.

Bad, bad, bad, bad rhymes come to my mind now.

Fight, fight, fight or flight, you should be rather fine.

Right, right, right, alright, these are the blue days of mine.

[Verse 2]

It's midnight, isn't it too late?

Will you be there if no one stayed?

I need you as if you were my heart,

But if it hurts, does it count as art?

If you're my lungs, why am I suffocating?

If you help me, why am I being stranded?

If you are a part of my soul, then why

I don't feel like you're really mine?

[Pre-chorus]

I guess I'm fading away.

Perhaps it's time to pray.

[Chorus]

Sad, sad, sad, sad eyes are looking for someone.

Bad, bad, bad, bad rhymes come to my mind now.

Fight, fight, fight or flight, you should be rather fine.

Right, right, right, alright, these are the blue days of mine.

[Post-chorus]

Are you the reason for my grief?

Are you my unrivalled thief?

Could you steal my tortured heart?

And could you, please, tear it apart?

May of 2024

News Bulletin

song

[Verse 1]

Well, look,

I know you're a successful kid.

I know that I'm supposed be

Like that too.

But listen, man

When I was a little child

I used to just keep aside.

I was strange and alien.

[Pre-chorus]

And if only everything were fine.

Aah-aah-aah-aah

I wouldn't have to lie.

[Chorus]

My own thoughts are ticking.

I think that I'm losing touch.

You said that I'm amoebic.

Well, it felt like a punch.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

To some, I seem too talkative.

To some, I seem too silent.

They say that I'm too sensitive,

But they also call me violent.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

Mm-m

[Verse 2]

Well, look.

I have no chance, no opportunities.

I don't have the right immunity.

Tell me, shame on you.

But listen, please

I'm tired of being afraid to die.

I tell myself that it's alright.

No one agrees.

[Pre-chorus]

'Cause if only everything were fine.

Aah-aah-aah-aah

I would sleep peacefully at night.

[Chorus]

My own thoughts are ticking.

I think that I'm losing touch.

You said that I'm amoebic.

Well, it felt like a punch.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

To some, I seem too talkative.

To some, I seem too silent.

They say that I'm too sensitive,

But they also call me violent.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin

Aa-ah.

[Bridge]

And if only everything were fine.

Aa-ah.

I wouldn't have to lie.

La-lie.

'Cause if everything were just alright

Aa-ah.

I would sleep peacefully at night.

All-night.

I'm trying to pick up my rhymes,

But they feed me running lines.

I know I'm just repeating them,

But my lines don't sound that well.

The truth will always be truth, unless

It won't be printed in the press.

Kids, I see me your screams and fear

But I don't have to interfere.

I'm just a correspondent, anyway.

He-ee-eey, he-ee-eey

And I don't want to be blamed.

Ba-ba-ba-blamed, Ba-ba-ba-blamed

If society wants something fake,

Fa-fa-fa-fake, fa-fa-fa-fake

Then I know how to make… it.

[Chorus]

My own thoughts are ticking.

I think that I'm losing touch.

You said that I'm amoebic.

Well, it felt just like a punch.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

To some, I seem too talkative.

To some, I seem too silent.

They say that I'm too sensitive,

But they also call me violent.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

[Post-chorus]

Aaaah-aaah

I think it's time

Oh, think it's time

I'm a mastermind

With no goddamn dream

And I must admit

I'm too sensitive.

(That's the question, who am I

To be in your creative team?)

Viewers, well, I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

June 13th, 2024

The victory

poem

Where's the victory of mine?

I have been trying all this time

But there is no profit, no success,

The more you try, the more mess

You get. So why go anywhere?

Take your dreams and bury them.

I'm so sick of goddamn people.

I'm as mean as Stewie Griffin. ¹

I am nuts, can't you see?

Who's afraid of little me? ²

I look a lot like Taylor Swift

When it was 2017. ³

The grave opened; she came back.

The white swan has turned black. ⁴

Ground Control to Major Tom, ⁵

Just hide playfully at home

As if there was a nuclear war.

Create a «fallout shelter core»,

Save some Lana Del Rey CDs, ⁶

Turn them on, and sleep in peace.

And so why go anywhere?

You have a heater and a fan.

Is there anything else you need for life

Except for one book and a knife?

One or two dreams of fame,

Preferably to bury them.

That's a damn unfair existence.

Life and death are just twin sisters.

Who are you fighting for, good soldier?

Dear poets, happy torture!

I must be doing something wrong.

Why is there no joy in all my songs?

I could be on Cloud Nine

But there's no victory of mine.

May 6th, 2024

¹ Stewie Griffin is the character of the animated series "Family Guy", a phenomenally gifted one-year-old child, is initially presented as a small evil genius obsessed with the idea of taking over the world.

² "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" is a song by American singer and songwriter Taylor Swift.

³ Taylor Swift's 2017 comeback was marked by the video Look What You Made Me Do from the album "Reputation". In this video, Taylor Swift appears in several images, including as a zombie. Critics noted this song as Swift's entry into the dark side of pop music.

⁴ A reference to the 2010 film Black Swan.

⁵ Ground Control to Major Tom is a line from the song Space Oddity by David Bowie. According to one version, the song tells how, due to a short circuit or other malfunction, the earth can no longer hear Major Tom. He's no longer inside his ship, but flying around it, high above the moon, and the Earth is still blue, and he still can't do anything. There are different ways to interpret a song. For example, there is an opinion that we are talking about the alienation of a person from society, the rejection of patterns and stereotypes imposed by society, as well as the impossibility of change. It's easier for Major Tom to leave this world than to try to change anything in it.

⁶ Lana Del Rey's music is characterized by a combination of different genres. She uses baroque pop, alternative rock, jazz, hip-hop and R&B elements in her work. In her later works, she turns to folk, country and Americana. The sound is mostly calm, but the songs are rich lyrically.

LETTER 1

the first small message for readers. It was written in an English lesson (which is symbolic).

MY BLUEST SONGS OF ’20-'22

one new song is at the beginning of the chapter; another one is at the end of the chapter before the Impressionism part.

Love isn't endless

new song

[Verse 1]

Black underwear.

And I wonder where

You are right now.

I don't think you're allowed

To do too much.

And so this careless touch

Was superfluous.

But, honey, I'm just curious

[Pre-chorus]

Why do you think it's fine

To do what's on your mind?

I don't think that it's fine.

My body's only mine.

I'm scared of defiance.

There was a dead silence,

When I asked you what

You think about our love.

Why didn't you answer?

I think it's a disaster.

I don't want this madness

Cause love isn't endless.

[Verse 2]

Why did I stay?

I should've run away.

Instead of this

I lived in my daydreams.

And it's my fault,

Convince me that's it not.

But you're so proud.

Your goal's to get around.

[Pre-chorus]

You get around this issue.

Yeah, that's the hardest mission.

But problem isn't solved.

Someone should be involved.

[Chorus]

I'm scared of defiance.

There was a dead silence.

When I asked you what

You think about our love.

But why didn't you answer?

I think it's a disaster.

I don't want this madness

Cause love isn't endless.

[Bridge]

Sadness, and that's all.

An eerily black hole.

Because we were too young

Like the songs that were sung.

And we didn't know

The depth of this black hole.

It was so appealing,

That's why we loved that feeling.

And now I'm taking a walk

Around the ships that were sunk

In it. And, honey, maybe

There's a ship on which we sailed.

[Pre-chorus]

We sailed on this ship.

And it had sunk so deep.

You really want to come up,

I won't let you do that now.

[Chorus]

I'm scared of defiance.

There was a dead silence.

When I asked you what

You think about our love.

Why didn't you answer?

I think it's a disaster.

I don't want this madness.

Cause love isn't endless.

July 26th, 2020

Analysis: This song is probably one of the saddest love songs in this book. The lyrical heroine talks about deep disappointment in relationships and the realization of their finiteness. She worries about her partner's behaviour and his unwillingness to discuss the future of their love. The topic of toxic relationships and the decision-making process of ending them is complex and ambiguous, because it is psychologically difficult to understand which is the indisputably correct way out.

The first verse hints at the heroine's worries about her partner's whereabouts and activities, perhaps with a hint of jealousy. She clearly wanted to give him an unforgettable passionate evening, but he still hadn't come, forcing her to wait and speculate about whether she needed such a relationship. Despite the desire for physical intimacy, the heroine realizes that her partner violates her personal boundaries and makes her uncomfortable with his behaviour.

The chorus conveys the heroine's fear of conflict, fear of openly confronting, and her realization that love is not infinite. A partner's silence in response to a question about their love is perceived as a harbinger of disaster.

The second verse expresses regret that she did not leave the relationship earlier, living in illusions. The heroine blames herself, but also reproaches her partner for being proud and unwilling to take responsibility. She becomes aware of her partner's selfish motives.

The following describes the feeling of sadness and emptiness; the relationship is compared to a black hole. The heroine reflects that they were too young and inexperienced to realize the depth of the problems. The image of sunken ships symbolizes shattered hopes and lost opportunities.

Overall, the song explores themes of disappointment, fear, regret, and awareness of the finiteness of love. The heroine comes to the conclusion that the relationship has reached a dead end and no longer brings happiness, she goes from self-blame to understanding that her feelings and boundaries matter. The silence and unwillingness of the partner to discuss problems only aggravate the situation, leading to the final realization that "love isn't endless".

In the morning

poem

In the morning, there's no sunrise,

The wind howls like a hellhound.

Nothing matters, I feel hopeless,

I must be buried underground.

The dark skies are rumbling my doom.

Everything's mixed up in the fog.

My sorrowful garden will never bloom

'Cause it will drown in the smoke.

There's a sunrise in the evening,

Is it a harbinger of the end?

And what was the meaning of our living

If that's how it's supposed to end?

November 6th, 2021

Happiness to be a butterfly

song

[Verse 1]

I was born and I'm alive.

I'm just a bee in an earthly hive.

I was lost and it was sad.

But I don't need any more help.

I'm hot, I'm forced to melt.

The meaning of life is movement.

But come on, let's burn whole world.

'Cause it belongs to man who sold… ¹

[Pre-chorus]

And if I'm still alive

For the sake of our quiet life,

Then why are you killing me?

Is it better than loving me?

Othello, leave me high and dry. ²

I'm just a catcher in the rye. ³

It's mess, it's pretty hard,

It's time to lose, it's time to fight…

[Chorus]

Sometimes the knife pierces you,

The dreams you want will not come true.

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

[Verse 2]

I got the top and I fell down,

No one caught me, you're not around.

I was the first, I was the last.

We were exposed to success lust.

They say I'm some kind of freak.

They tell me that I must be sick.

I'm crying like deep blue sea,

Oh my goodness, what's wrong with me?

[Pre-chorus]

And if I'm still as free as a bird,

If I still love this awful world,

Don't let me fall, don't let me down,

I already know taste of a ground,

A ballerina's life is being destroyed

When she falls of the stage's front.

Please help her get up.

No more dances, no more love.

[Chorus]

Sometimes the knife pierces you,

The dreams you want will not come true

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

February 23rd, 2022

¹ A reference to "The Man Who Sold the World", a song by David Bowie from his album of the same name, released in the USA in November 1970 and in Britain in April 1971.

² The title character of William Shakespeare's tragedy Othello, written around 1604. Othello is a Moor officer, commander of the Venetian garrison in Cyprus, married to a young and virtuous aristocrat Desdemona. Othello kills Desdemona by strangling her, and then, to reduce her suffering, stabs her with a dagger.

³ The Catcher in the Rye is a novel by American writer Jerome Salinger, published in 1951. The work, on behalf of a 17-year-old boy named Holden Caulfield, tells about a heightened perception of American reality and rejection of the common canons and morals of modern society. The main character, Holden Caulfield, wants to become the one who will catch small children in the rye so that they do not fall into the abyss, symbolizing the loss of innocence and the transition to adulthood, full of falsehood, life.