The Lame Lover

SERJEANT

Why to be sure the knight is overtaken a little; very near drunk.

Sir LUKE

I hope he believes it is a lie. [Aside.]

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Do me instant justice on this defamer, this lyar, or never more expect to see me in your house.

SERJEANT

I begin to find out the fraud, this is all a flam of the knight's.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I'll drive this instant to a friend of mine in the Commons, and see if no satisfaction can be had, for blasting the reputation of a woman like me – and hark you Sir, what inducement, what devil could prompt? —

SERJEANT

Ay; what devil could prompt —

Sir LUKE

Heyday!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

But I guess at your motive; you flatter'd yourself, that by marrying Charlot, and discarding of me you should engross all his affections and —

SERJEANT

True, true – stop, my life, let me come at him, a little: hark you, Mr. Knight, I begin to discover that you are a very sad dog.

Sir LUKE

Et tu Brute!

SERJEANT

Brute! – you'll find I am not the brute you would have made me believe – I have consider'd both sides of the question.

Sir LUKE

Both sides of the question?

SERJEANT

Both: if your story is true, you are a scoundrel to debauch the wife of your friend; and if it is false, you are an infamous lyar.

Sir LUKE

Well argued.

SERJEANT

So in both cases, get out of my house.

Sir LUKE

Nay, but Serjeant —

SERJEANT

Troop I tell you, and never again enter these walls – you have libelled my wife, and I will see you no more.

Sir LUKE

Was there ever such a —

SERJEANT

March! and as to my daughter, I would as soon marry her to a forma pauperis client.

[Exit Sir Luke.Mrs. CIRCUIT

Do you consider, Mr. Circuit, where you are pushing the fellow? – That chamber is Charlot's.

Enter Sir Luke, Woodford, Charlot, and JackSir LUKE

Heyday! who the deuce have we here? – Pray walk in, my good folks – your servant Miss Charlot; your servant Mr. What-d'ye-call-um. – Mr. Serjeant, you need not trouble yourself to cater for Miss; your family you see can provide for themselves.

SERJEANT

Heyday! What the deuce is all this! Who are you Sir, and how came you here? [To Woodford.]

JACK

It was I, father, that brought him.

SERJEANT

How, sirrah!

Sir LUKE

Well said my young limb of the law.

JACK

Come, let us have none o'your – tho' I brought Mr. Woodford, you could not persuade me to do the same office for you – father, never stir if he did not make me the proffer, if I would let him into the house the night you was at Kingston, of a new pair of silk stockings, and to learn me a minuet.

Sir LUKE

Me! I should never have got you to turn out your toes.

JACK

Ay, and moreover you made me push out my chest, and do so with my fingers, as if I was taking two pinches of snuff.

Sir LUKE

You see, Mr. Serjeant, what a fondness, I have for every twig of your family.

SERJEANT

I shall thank you hereafter – but from you, Charlot, I expected other guess —

CHARLOT

When, Sir, you hear this whole matter explain'd, you will acquit I am sure.

WOODFORD

Indeed, Sir, I am wholly to blame; my being here was as much a surprize upon Miss Charlot as —

SERJEANT

But now you are here, pray what's your business?

JACK

O! father, I can acquaint you with that – he wanted me to bring a love letter to Charlot, so I told him he might bring it himself, for that I would not do any such thing for never so much, for fear of offending of you.

SERJEANT

You mended the matter indeed – but after all, who, and what are you?

JACK

It's the young gentleman that lives over our heads, to whom Mr. Fairplay is guardian.

SERJEANT

Who, Woodford?

JACK

The same.

SERJEANT

And are you, young man in a situation to think of a wife?

WOODFORD

I am flattered, Sir, that as justice is with me, I shall one day have no contemptible fortune to throw at her feet.

SERJEANT

Justice is! What signifies justice? – Is the law with you, you fool?

WOODFORD

With your help, Sir, I should hope for their union, upon this occasion at least.

SERJEANT

Well, Sir, I shall re-consider your papers, and, if there are probable grounds, I may be induc'd to hear your proposals.

WOODFORD

Nay then, Sir, the recovering my paternal possessions makes me anxious indeed. – Could I hope that the young lady's good wish would attend me?

CHARLOT

I have a father, and can have no will of my own.

Sir LUKE

So then it seems poor Pil Garlick here is discarded at once.

SERJEANT

Why, could you have the impudence, after what has happen'd, to hope that —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

He has given wonderful proofs of his modesty.

Sir LUKE

Be quiet, Mrs. Circuit. – Come, good folks, I will set all matters to rights in a minute; and first, Mr. Serjeant, it becomes me to tell you, that I never intended to marry your daughter.

SERJEANT

How! never!

Sir LUKE

Never. She is a fine girl I allow; but would it now, Mr. Serjeant, have been honest in me, to have robb'd the whole sex of my person, and confin'd my favors to her?

SERJEANT

How!

Sir LUKE

No! I was struck with the immorality of the thing; and therefore to make it impossible that you should ever give me your daughter, I invented the story I told you concerning Mrs. Circuit and me.

SERJEANT

How!

Sir LUKE

Truth, upon my honour. – Your wife there will tell you the whole was a lye.

SERJEANT

Nay, then indeed. – But with what face can I look up to my dear? I have injur'd her beyond the hopes of forgiveness. – Wou'd you, lovee, but pass an act of oblivion —

Sir LUKE

See me here prostrate to implore your clemency in behalf of my friend.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Of that I can't determine directly. – But as you seem to have some sense of your guilt, I shall grant you a reprieve for the present, which contrition and amendment may, perhaps, in time swell into a pardon.

But if again offending you are caught,SERJEANTThen let me suffer, dearee, as I oughtFINIS

1

Alluding to Mr. Garrick's Prologue to the Jubilee.