The Lame Lover

True lovers are shy,When people are by.

I'll take a peep to see how they go on: – there they are, just in the same posture I left them; she folding her fingers, and he twirling his hat; why they don't even look at each other: was there ever such a couple of – stay, stay, now he opens his mouth – pshaw! – lord! there he shuts it again – hush! I hear somebody coming – no – nothing at all: – mother is safe I am sure, – there is no danger from her – now let us take t'other – [peeps at the door.] hum! – gadso, matters are mightily mended – there! there! very well – there he lays down the law – now he claps his hand on his heart – vastly pretty, I vow – there he swops with both his knees on the ground – charming! – and squeezes his hat with both hands, like one of the actors – delightful! she wants him to rise, and he won't – prodigious moving indeed!

Enter BettyBETTY

So Sir, what are you doing there?

JACK

There! where?

BETTY

With your eyes glew'd close to the keyhole.

JACK

I wanted to speak a word to my sister.

BETTY

Then why don't you open her door?

JACK

I did not know but she might be saying her prayers.

BETTY

Prayers! a likely story! Who says their prayers, at this time of the day? – No, no, that won't pass upon me. – Let me look – very pretty! So, so, I see there's somebody else at his prayers too – fine doings! – As soon as the company goes, I shall take care to inform Madam your mother.

JACK

Nay, but Mrs. Betty you won't be so —

BETTY

Indeed. Mr. John, but I shall – I'll swallow none of your secrets, believe me.

JACK

What, perhaps your stomach is overloaded already.

BETTY

No matter for that, I shall be even with Miss for telling Master about and concerning my drums.

JACK

Why, Mrs. Betty, surely sister could not —

BETTY

When she very well knows that I have not sent cards but twice the whole season.

JACK

Lord! what signi —

BETTY

What would she say, if she visited the great families I do? For tho' I am as I may say but a commoner, no private gentlewoman's gentlewoman, has a more prettier set of acquaintance.

JACK

Well but —

BETTY

My routs indeed! – There is Mrs. Allspice, who lives with lady Cicily Sequence, has six tables every Sunday, besides looers, and braggers; and moreover proposes giving a masquerade, the beginning of June, and I intends being there.

JACK

Well, but to talk calmly.

BETTY

And as Miss is so fond of fetching and carrying, you may tell her we are to have a private play among ourselves, as the quality have: the Distrustful Mother, 'tis call'd – Pylades, by Mr. Thomas, Lord Catastrophe's butler – Hermione, Mrs. Allspice; and I shall do Andromache myself.

JACK

A play! lord, Mrs. Betty, will you give me a ticket?

BETTY

All's one for that – and so you may tell Miss that – [bell rings] coming, Madam, this minute – and that, Mr. John, is the long and the short on't. [Bell rings again.] Lord, I am coming —

[Exit. Enter Woodford to JackWOODFORD

What's the matter?

JACK

Here, Betty, my mother's fac totum, has just discover'd your haunts; and is gone to lay an information against you – so depend upon it, a search warrant will issue directly.

WOODFORD

Stay but a moment, till I take leave of your sister.

JACK

Zooks! I tell you the constables will be here in a trice, so you have not a moment to lose.

WOODFORD

How unlucky this is!

JACK

But I hope you have obtain'd a verdict however.

WOODFORD

No.

JACK

No!

WOODFORD

It would not have been decent, to have press'd the judge too soon for a sentence.

JACK

Soon! – You are a ninny, I tell you so: – here you will suffer judgment to go by default. – You are a pretty practitioner indeed!

WOODFORD

This, you may know, my dear Jack, is an equity case; I have but just fil'd my bill; one must give the parties time to put in an answer.

JACK

Time! – How you may come off in court I can't tell, but you will turn out but a poor chamber counsel I fear. – Well, come along, perhaps I may be able to procure another hearing before it is – but lord o'mercy! there is father crossing the hall – should he see us all's over – we have nothing for't but taking shelter with sister.

[Exeunt.

ACT III

Sir Luke Limp, Mrs. Circuit, Colonel Secret, and Mrs. Simper, discover'd at a table, with a collation before them.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! by the bye, Sir Luke – take some of these sweetmeats, my dear [to Mrs. Simper] – did not you promise to introduce to me that little agreeable piece of imperfection that belongs to the opera? – Colonel, won't you taste the champaign?

Sir LUKE

Who, Signior Piano? – Let me assist Mrs. Simper. – Why, Madam, I made an attempt; but at present – shan't I send you a biscuit? – he is in the possession of a certain lady, who never suffers him out of her sight for a moment.

Mrs. SIMPER

Oh! the curmudgeon! – I am vastly fond of these custards.

Sir LUKE

Yes, they have a delicate flavour – but he promis'd, if possible, to escape for an hour – won't you? [to Mrs. Circuit.]

Mrs. CIRCUIT

No, it gives me the heart-burn. – Then let us leave him a cover.

COLONEL

By all means in the world.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

But there is, likewise, another party, for whom a place ought to be kept.

Mrs. SIMPER

Another! Who can that be I wonder?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

A small appendix of mine.

Sir LUKE

How, Madam!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You need not be jealous, Sir Luke – taste that tart Mrs. Simper – it is only my husband the Serjeant. – Ha! ha! ha! – Betty makes them herself.

Mrs. SIMPER

Oh! you abominable creature! How could such a thought come into your head?

Sir LUKE

Ma'am – [Offering sweetmeats to Mrs. Simper.]

Mrs. SIMPER

Not a bit more, I thank you. – I swear and vow I mould swoon at the sight.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

And I should receive him with the polite indifference of an absolute stranger.

Sir LUKE

Well said, my good Lady Intrepid! But, notwithstanding, I would venture a trifle that his appearance would give you such an electrical shock —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You are vastly deceiv'd.

Sir LUKE

Dare you come to the proof? Will you give me leave to introduce Mr. Serjeant? He is not far off.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

What, my husband?

Sir LUKE

Even he! I saw him as I enter'd the hall.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Impossible!

Sir LUKE

Nay, then I must fetch him. [Exit Sir Luke.

COLONEL

I can't conceive what the knight wou'd be at.

Mrs. SIMPER

Why he is mad.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Or turn'd fool.

Enter Sir Luke, with the Serjeant's peruke on a blockSir LUKE

Now, Madam, have I reason? Is this your husband or not?

Mrs. SIMPER

It is he; not the least doubt can be made.

COLONEL

Yes, yes, it is the Serjeant himself.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I own it; I acknowledge the lord of my wishes. [Kisses the block.]

Mrs. SIMPER

All his features are there!

COLONEL

The grave cast of his countenance!

Sir LUKE

The vacant stare of his eye!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

The livid hue of his lips!

Mrs. SIMPER

The rubies with which his cheeks are enrich'd!

COLONEL

The silent solemnity when he sits on the bench!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

We must have him at table; but pray good folks let my husband appear like himself. – I'll run for the gown.

[Exit.Mrs. SIMPER

By all means in the world.

Sir LUKE

Dispatch, I beseech you.

Mrs. Circuit returns with a gown and bandMrs. CIRCUIT

Sir Luke, lend your assistance.

COLONEL

There, place him at the head of the table.

[They fix the head at the back of a chair, and place it at table; then all sit.

Mrs. SIMPER

Madam, you'll take care of your husband.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I don't want to be put in mind of my duty.

Mrs. SIMPER

Oh, Madam! I know that very well.

Sir LUKE

Come, Hob or Nob, Master Circuit – let us try if we can't fuddle the Serjeant.

COLONEL

O! fye! have a proper respect for the coif.

Mrs. SIMPER

Don't be too facetious, Sir Luke: it is not quite so safe to sport with the heads of the law; you don't know how soon you may have a little business together.

Sir LUKE

But come, the Serjeant is sulky. – I have thought of a way to divert him: – You know he is never so happy as when he is hearing a cause; suppose we were to plead one before him; Mrs. Circuit and I to be counsel, the colonel the clerk, and Mrs. Simper the cryer.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

The finest thought in the world! And stay, to conduct the trial with proper solemnity, let's rummage his wardrobe; we shall there be able to equip ourselves with suitable dresses.

Sir LUKE

Alons, alons!

Mrs. SIMPER

There is no time to be lost.

[All rise.Mrs. CIRCUIT

[Stopping short as they are going out.] But won't my husband be angry, if we leave him alone? Bye, dearee – we shall soon return to thee again.

[Exeunt. Enter Serj. Circuit, not perceiving the collationSERJEANT

So, my lord not being able to sit, there was no occasion for me. – I can't put that girl's nonsense out of my head – My wife is young to be sure, and loves pleasure I own; but as to the main article, I have not the least ground to suspect her in that – No, no! – And then Sir Luke! my prosien ami, the dearest friend I have in the – Heyday! [seeing the collation] What the deuce have we here? – A collation! – So, so – I see madam knows how to divert herself during my absence. – What's this? [seeing the block] Oh, ho! ha! ha! ha! – Well, that's pretty enough I protest. – Poor girl, I see she could not be happy without having something at table that resembled me. – How pleas'd she will be to find me here in propriâ personâ. – By your leave, Mrs. Circuit – [sits down and eats] Delicate eating, in troth – and the wine [drinks] – Champaign as I live – must have t'other glass – They little think how that gentleman there regales himself in their absence – Ha! ha! ha! – quite convenient, I vow – the heat of the weather has made me – Come, brother Coif, here's your health – [drinks] – I must pledge myself I believe – [drinks again] – devilish strong – pshut! – Somebody's coming – [gets up and goes towards the wings] – What do I see? Four lawyers! What the devil can be the meaning of this? I should be glad to get at the bottom of – Hey! By your leave, brother Serjeant – I must crave the use of your robe – [sits down, and gets under the gown] – Between ourselves, this is not the first time this gown has cover'd a fraud.

Enter Sir Luke, Colonel, Mrs. Circuit, and Mrs. Simper, dressed as counsellorsSir LUKE

Come, come, gentlemen, dispatch, the court has been waiting some time. Brother Circuit, you have look'd over your brief?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

What, do you suppose, Sir, that like some of our brethren I defer that till I come into court? No, no.

Sir LUKE

This cause contains the whole marrow and pith of all modern practice.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

One should think, Sir Luke, you had been bred to the bar.

Sir LUKE

Child, I was some years in the Temple; but the death of my brother robb'd the robe of my labours.

Mrs. SIMPER

What a loss to the public!

Sir LUKE

You are smart, Mrs. Simper. I can tell you, Serjeant Snuffle, whose manner I study'd, pronounc'd me a promising youth.

Mrs. SIMPER

I don't doubt it.

Sir LUKE

But let us to business. And first, for the state of the case: The parties you know are Hobson and Nobson; the object of litigation is a small parcel of land, which is to decide the fate of a borough.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

True; call'd Turnbury Mead.

Sir LUKE

Very well. Then to bring matters to a short issue, it was agreed, that Nobson should on the premises cut down a tree, and Hobson bring his action of damage.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

True, true.

Sir LUKE

The jury being sworn, and the counsellors feed, the court may proceed. – Take your seats – But hold – I hope no gentleman has been touch'd on both sides.

ALL

Oh! fye!

Sir LUKE

Let silence be call'd.

Mrs. SIMPER

Silence in the court!

Sir LUKE

But stop. To be regular, and provide for fresh causes, we must take no notice of the borough and lands, the real objects in view, but stick fast to the tree, which is of no importance at all.

ALL

True, true.

Sir LUKE

Brother Circuit, you may proceed.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Gentlemen of the Jury. – I am in this cause counsel for Hobson, the plaintiff. – The action is brought against Nebuchadonezer Nobson, That he the said Nobson did cut down a tree, value two-pence, and to his own use said tree did convert. – Nobson justifies, and claims tree as his tree. We will, gentlemen, first state the probable evidence, and then come to the positive: and first as to the probable. – When was this tree here belonging to Hobson, and claim'd by Nobson, cut down? Was it cut down publicly in the day, in the face of the sun, men, women, and children, all the world looking on? – No; it was cut down privately, in the night, in a dark night, nobody did see, nobody could see. – Hum – And then with respect and regard to this tree, I am instructed to say, gentlemen, it was a beautiful, an ornamental tree to the spot where it grew. Now can it be thought that any man would come for to go in the middle of the night, nobody seeing, nobody did see, nobody could see, and cut down a tree, which tree was an ornamental tree, if tree had been his tree? – Certainly no. – And again, gentlemen, we moreover insist, that this tree was not only ornamental to the spot where it grew, but it was a useful tree to the owner; it was a plumb-tree, and not only a plum-tree, but I am authored to say the best of plum-trees, it was a damsin plum. – Now can it be thought, that any man wou'd come for to go, in the middle of the night, nobody seeing, nobody did see, nobody could see, and cut down a tree; which tree was not only an ornamental tree, but a useful tree, and not only a useful tree, but a plum-tree; and not only a plum-tree, but the best of plum-trees, a damsin plum? Most assuredly no. – If so be then, that this be so, and so it most certainly is, I apprehend no doubt will remain with the court, but my client a verdict will have, with full costs of suits, in such a manner and so forth, as may nevertheless appear notwithstanding.

Sir LUKE

Have you done, Mr. Serjeant?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You may proceed.

Sir LUKE

Gentlemen of the jury – I am in this cause counsel for Hob – Zouns! I think the head moves.

ALL

Hey!

COLONEL

No, no, Mrs. Simper, jogg'd the chair with her foot, that was all.

Sir LUKE

For Hercules Hobson – (I cou'd have sworn it had stir'd) – I sha'nt gentlemen upon this occasion, attempt to move your passions, by flowing periods, and rhetorical flowers, as Mr. Serjeant has done; no, gentlemen, if I get at your hearts, I will make my way thro' your heads, however thick they may be – in order to which, I will pursue the learned gentleman, thro' what he calls his probable proofs: and first, as to this tree's being cut down in the night; in part we will grant him that point, but, under favour, not a dark night, Mr. Serjeant; no, quite the reverse, we can prove that the moon shone bright, with uncommon lustre that night – So that if so be as how people did not see that was none – [Serjeant sneezes.] nay, Mrs. Circuit, if you break the thread of my —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Me break! – I said nothing I'm sure.

Sir LUKE

That's true, but you sneez'd.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Not I.

Sir LUKE

I am sure somebody did; it could not be the head – consider the least interruption puts one out of one's – None of our faults, they might have look'd on and seen if they would. And then as to this beautiful tree, with which Mr. Serjeant has ornamented his spot – No, gentlemen, no such matter at all; I am instructed to say quite the reverse; a stunted tree, a blighted, blasted tree; a tree not only limbless, and leafless, but very near lifeless; that was the true state of the tree: and then as to its use, we own it was a plum-tree indeed, but not of the kind Mr. Serjeant sets forth, a damsin plum; our proofs say loudly a bull plum; but if so be and it had been a damsin plum, will any man go for to say, that a damsin plum is the best kind of plum; not a whit, I take upon me to say it is not a noun substantive plum – with plenty of sugar it does pretty well indeed in a tart, but to eat it by itself, will Mr. Serjeant go to compare it with the queen mother, the padrigons —

SERJEANT

[Appearing suddenly from under the gown.]The green gages, or the orlines.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

As I live 'tis my husband!

SERJEANT

Nay, Sir Luke don't you run away too – give me a buss – since I was born, I never heard a finer reply; I am sorry I did not hear your argument out – but I cou'd not resist.

Sir LUKE

This I own was a little surprise – had you been long here Mr. Serjeant?

SERJEANT

But the instant you enter'd.

Sir LUKE

So, then all is safe. [Aside.]

SERJEANT

But come, won't you refresh you, Sir Luke – you have had hard duty to day.

Sir LUKE

I drank very freely at table.

SERJEANT

Nay, for the matter of that, I ha'n't been idle; [both drink.] But come, throw off your gown, and let us finish the bottle: I ha'n't had such a mind to be merry I can't tell the day when.

Sir LUKE

Nay then, Mr. Serjeant, have at you – come, here's long life and health to the law. [Drinks.]

SERJEANT

I'll pledge that toast in a bumper. – [Drinks.] – I'll take Charlot's hint, and see if I can't draw the truth out of the Knight by a bottle. [Aside.]

Sir LUKE

I'll try if I can't fuddle the fool, and get rid of him that way. [Aside.]

SERJEANT

I could not have thought it: why where the deuce did you pick up all this? But by the bye, pray who was the cryer?

Sir LUKE

Did not you know her? Mrs. Simper, your neighbour.

SERJEANT

A pestilent jade! she's a good one I warrant.

Sir LUKE

She is thought very pretty; what say you to a glass in her favor?

SERJEANT

By all means in the world! [they drink] and that spark the clerk?

Sir LUKE

Colonel Secret, a friend to the lady you toasted.

SERJEANT

A friend! oh, ay – I understand you – come, let us join 'em together.

Sir LUKE

Alons. [drink.] Egad, I shall be caught in my own trap, I begin to feel myself fluster'd already. [Aside.]

SERJEANT

Delicate white wine, indeed! I like it better every glass. [Sings.]

Drink and drive care away,Drink and be merry.Sir LUKE

True, my dear Serjeant – this is the searcher of secrets – the only key to the heart.

SERJEANT

Right boy, in veritas vino.

Sir LUKE

No deceit in a bumper. [Sings.] Drink and be merry.

SERJEANT

Merry! dammee, what a sweet fellow you are; what would I give, to be half so jolly and gay.

Sir LUKE

[Appearing very drunk.] Would you? and yet do you know, Serjeant, that at this very juncture of time, there is a thing has popp'd into my head, that distresses me very much.

SERJEANT

Then drive it out with a bumper [Drink.] Well, how is it now.

Sir LUKE

Now! – the matter is not mended at all.

SERJEANT

What the deuce is the business that so sticks in your stomach.

Sir LUKE

You know, my dear Serjeant, I am your friend, your real, your affectionate friend.

SERJEANT

I believe, it Sir Luke.

Sir LUKE

And yet, for these six months, I have conceal'd a secret, that touches you near, very near —

SERJEANT

Me near! That was wrong, very wrong; friends should have all things in common.

Sir LUKE

That's what I said to myself; Sir Luke, says I, open your heart to your friend; but to tell you the truth, what sealed up my lips, was the fear that this secret should make you sulky and sad.

SERJEANT

Me sulky and sad! ha! ha! how little you know of me.

Sir LUKE

Swear then that you won't be uneasy.

SERJEANT

Well, I do.

Sir LUKE

[Rising.] Soft! let us see that all's safe; – well, Mr. Serjeant, do you know that you are – a fine, honest fellow?

SERJEANT

Is that such a secret?

Sir LUKE

Be quiet; a damn'd honest fellow – but as to your wife —

SERJEANT

Well?

Sir LUKE

She is an infamous strum —

SERJEANT

How! it is a falshood Sir Luke, my wife is as virtuous a wom —

Sir LUKE

Oh! if you are angry, your servant – I thought that the news would have pleas'd you – for after all, what is the business to me? What do I get by the bargain?

SERJEANT

That's true; but then would it not vex any man to hear his wife abus'd in such a —

Sir LUKE

Not if it's true, you old fool.

SERJEANT

I say it is false: prove it; give me that satisfaction Sir Luke.

Sir LUKE

Oh! you shall have that pleasure directly; and to come at once to the point – you remember last New-year's day how severely it froze.

SERJEANT

I do recollect.

Sir LUKE

Very well; we are all invited to dine at Alderman Inkle's.

SERJEANT

Very right.

Sir LUKE

Well, and I did not go: Mrs. Circuit made me dine here, in this house – was it my fault?

SERJEANT

No, no, Sir Luke, no.

Sir LUKE

At table says she – she said, I was the picture of you – was it my fault?

SERJEANT

Well, and suppose you are; where's the mischief in that?

Sir LUKE

Be quiet, I tell you; – then throwing her arms round my neck, – it is my husband himself I embrace, it is my little old man that I kiss! – for she has a prodigious affection for you at bottom – was it my fault?

SERJEANT

But what is there serious in this, dost think I mind such trifles?

Sir LUKE

Hold your tongue, you fool, for a moment – then throwing her Teresa aside – upon my soul she is prodigious fine every where here – was it my fault?

SERJEANT

My fault! my fault! I see no fault in all this.

Sir LUKE

[Hatching a cry.] No! why then my dear friend, do you know that I was so unworthy, so profligate, so abandon'd – as to – [rises] say no more, the business is done.

SERJEANT

Ay, indeed!

Sir LUKE

Oh! fact! there is not the least doubt of the matter; this is no hear say, dy'e see, I was by all the while.

SERJEANT

Very pretty! very fine upon my word.

Sir LUKE

Was it my fault? what could I do? put yourself in my place; I must have been more, or less, than man to resist.

SERJEANT

Your fault, Sir Luke, no, no – you did but your duty – but as to my wife —

Sir LUKE

She's a diabolical fiend, I shall hate her as long as I live.

SERJEANT

And I too.

Sir LUKE

Only think of her forcing me, as it were with a sword at my breast, to play such a trick; you, my dear Serjeant, the best, truest friend I have in the world. [Weeps.]

SERJEANT

[Weeping.] Dry your tears, dear Sir Luke; I shall ever gratefully acknowledge your confidence in trusting me with the secret – [taking him forward.] But I think it might be as well kept from the rest of the world.

Sir LUKE

My dear soul, do you think I would tell it to any mortal but you? No, no, not to my brother himself – You are the only man upon earth I wou'd trust.

SERJEANT

Ten thousand thanks, my dear friend! sure there is no comfort, no balsam in life like a friend – but I shall make Madam Circuit remember —

Sir LUKE

We neither of us ought to forgive her – were I you, I'd get a divorce.

SERJEANT

So I will – provided you will promise not to marry her after.

Sir LUKE

Me! I'll sooner be torn to pieces by wild horses – no, my dear friend, we will retire to my house in the country together, and there, in innocence and simplicity, feeding our pigs and pigeons, like Pyramus and Thisbe, we will live the paragons of the age.

SERJEANT

Agreed; we will be the whole earth to each other; for, as Mr. Shakespur says,

"The friend thou hast and his adoption try'dClasp to thy soul, and quit the world beside." —Sir LUKE

Zouns, here comes Madam Serjeant herself.

Enter Mrs. CircuitMrs. CIRCUIT

So, Gentlemen! a sweet tête a tête you have been holding – but I know it all, not a syllable you have said has been lost.

Sir LUKE

Then, I hope you have been well entertained Mrs. Circuit?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

And you, you mean spirited, dastardly wretch, to lend a patient ear to his infamous, improbable tales, equally shameful both to you and me.

SERJEANT

How Madam! have you the assurance —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Yes, Sir, the assurance that innocence gives; there is not a soul, I thank heaven, that can lay the least soil, the least spot, on my virtue; nor is there a man on earth but yourself would have sat and silently listen'd to the fictions and fables of this intemperate sot.