The Lame Lover

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Lord! I wonder Mr. Circuit you would breed that boy up to the bar.

SERJEANT

Why not, chuck? He has fine steady parts, and for his time moots a point —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Steady! stupid you mean: nothing sure cou'd add to his heaviness but the being loaded with law. Why don't you put him into the army?

SERJEANT

Nay, chuck, if you choose it, I believe I have interest to get Jack a commission.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Why, Mr. Circuit, you know he is no son of mine; perhaps a cockade may animate the lad with some fire.

SERJEANT

True, lovee; and a knowledge of the law mayn't be amiss to restrain his fire a little.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I believe there is very little danger of his exceeding that way.

SERJEANT

Charlot, send hither your brother.

[Exit Charlot.Mrs. CIRCUIT

I'll not interrupt you.

SERJEANT

Far from it, lovee; I should be glad to have you a witness of Jacky's improvement.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Of that I am no judge; besides, I am full of business to day – There is to be a ballot at one for the Ladies' Club lately established, and lady Bab Basto has proposed me for a member. – Pray, my dear, when will you let me have that money to pay my Lord Loo?

SERJEANT

The three hundred you mean?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

And besides, there is my debt to Kitty Cribbidge; I protest I almost blush whenever I meet them.

SERJEANT

Why really, lovee, 'tis a large sum of money. – Now, were I worthy to throw in a little advice, we might make a pretty good hand of this business.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I don't understand you.

SERJEANT

Bring an action against them on the statute, in the name of my clerk; and so not only rescue the debt from their hands, but recover likewise considerable damages.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

A pretty conceit, Mr. Serjeant! but does it not occur to your wisdom, that as I have (by the help of Captain Cog) been oftener a winner than loser, the tables may be turned upon us?

SERJEANT

No, no, chuck, that did not escape me; I have provided for that. – Do you know, by the law, both parties are equally culpable; so that, lovee, we shall be able to fleece your friends not only of what they have won of poor dearee, but likewise for what they have lost.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Why, what a paltry, pettifogging puppy art thou! – And could you suppose that I would submit to the scandalous office?

SERJEANT

Scandalous! I don't understand this strange perversion of words. The scandal lies in breaking the laws, not in bringing the offenders to justice.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Mean-spirited wretch! – What, do you suppose that those laws could be levell'd against people of their high rank and condition? Can it be thought that any set of men would submit to lay legal restraints on themselves? – Absurd and preposterous!

SERJEANT

Why, by their public practice, my love, one would suspect that they thought themselves excepted by a particular clause.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! to be sure; not the least doubt can be made.

SERJEANT

True, chuck – But then your great friends should never complain of highwaymen stopping their coaches, or thieves breaking into their houses.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Why, what has that to do with the business?

SERJEANT

Oh! the natural consequence, lovee; for whilst the superiors are throwing away their fortunes, and consequently their independence above– you can't think but their domestics are following their examples below.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Well, and what then?

SERJEANT

Then! the same distress that throws the master and mistress into the power of any who are willing to purchase them, by a regular gradation, reduces the servants to actions, though more criminal, perhaps not more atrocious.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Pshaw! stuff! – I have no head to examine your dirty distinctions – Don't teize me with your jargon. – I have told you the sums I shall want, so take care they are ready at your returning from Kingston. – Nay, don't hesitate; recollect your own state of the case, and remember, my honour is in pawn, and must, some way or other, be redeem'd by the end of the week.

[Exit.SERJEANT solus

My honour is in pawn! – Good Lord! how a century will alter the meaning of words! – Formerly, chastity was the honour of women, and good faith and integrity the honour of men: but now, a lady who ruins her family by punctually paying her losses at play, and a gentleman who kills his best friend in some trifling frivolous quarrel, are your only tip-top people of honour. Well, let them go on, it brings grist to our mill: for whilst both the sexes stick firm to their honour, we shall never want business, either at Doctor's Commons, or the Old Bailey.

[Exit.

ACT II

Enter Serjeant Circuit and JackSERJEANT

Jack, let Will bring the chaise to the door.

JACK

Mr. Fairplay, Sir, the attorney, begs to speak a few words.

SERJEANT

How often have I told you, that I will see none of these sort of folks but at chambers; you know how angry your mother is at their rapping, and littering the house.

JACK

He says, Sir, he will not detain you five minutes.

SERJEANT

Well, bid him walk in.

Enter Fairplay

Well, Mr. Fairplay, what's your will?

FAIRPLAY

I just call'd, Mr. Serjeant, to know your opinion upon the case of young Woodford, and if you like the proposal of being concern'd.

SERJEANT

If it turns out as you state it, and that the father of the lad was really a minor, the Essex estate may without doubt be recover'd; and so may the lands in the North.

FAIRPLAY

We have full proofs to that fact.

SERJEANT

May be so; but really Mr. Fairplay, you know the length of time that these kind of suits —

FAIRPLAY

True Sir, but then your experience will shorten I appreh —

SERJEANT

That's more than I know: and then not only my fees lying dormant, but, perhaps, an expectation of money advanc'd.

FAIRPLAY

The property, Sir, is of very great value, and, upon the recovery, any acknowledgment shall be readily made.

SERJEANT

There again, any! do you know that in law, that word any has no meaning at all? besides, when people are in distress, they are lavish enough of their offers; but when their business is done, then we have nothing but grumbling and grudging.

FAIRPLAY

You have only to dictate your terms.

SERJEANT

Does the lad live in town?

FAIRPLAY

He has been under my care since the death of his father; I have given him as good an education as my narrow fortune would let me; he is now studying the law in the Temple, in hopes that should he fail of other assistance, he may be able one day to do himself justice.

SERJEANT

In the Temple?

FAIRPLAY

Yes, Sir, in those little chambers just over your head – I fancy the young gentleman knows him.

JACK

Who? Mr. Woodford! Lord as well as myself, he is a sweet sober youth, and will one day make a vast figure, I am sure.

SERJEANT

Indeed!

JACK

I am positive, Sir, if you were to hear him speak at the Robinhood in the Butcher-row, you would say so yourself: why he is now reckon'd the third; except the breeches-maker from Barbican, and Sawny Sinclair the snuffman, there is not a mortal can touch him.

SERJEANT

Peace, puppy; well Mr. Fairplay, leave the papers a little longer with me and – pray who is employ'd against you?

FAIRPLAY

A city attorney, one Sheepskin.

SERJEANT

A cunning fellow, I know him; well, Sir, if you will call at Pump-court in a week.

FAIRPLAY

I shall attend you.

SERJEANT

Jack, open the door for Mr. – [Exeunt Fairplay and Jack.] Something may be made of this matter: I'll see this Sheepskin myself. So much in future for carrying on the suit, or so much in hand to make it miscarry: a wise man should well weigh which party to take for.

Enter Jack

So, Jack, any body at chambers to day?

JACK

Fieri Facias from Fetter lane, about the bill to be filed by Kit Crape against Will Vizard, this term.

SERJEANT

Praying for an equal partition of plunder?

JACK

Yes, Sir.

SERJEANT

Strange world we live in, that even highwaymen can't be true to each other! [half aside to himself.] but we shall make master Vizard refund, we'll shew him what long hands the law has.

JACK

Facias says, that in all the books he can't hit on a precedent.

SERJEANT

Then I'll make one myself; aut inveniam, aut faciam, has been always my motto. The charge must be made for partnership-profit, by bartering lead and gunpowder, against money, watches, and rings, on Epping-forest, Hounslow-heath, and other parts of the kingdom.

JACK

He says, if the court should get scent of the scheme, the parties would all stand committed.

SERJEANT

Cowardly rascal! but however, the caution mayn't prove amiss. [Aside.] I'll not put my own name to the bill.

JACK

The declaration too is deliver'd in the cause of Roger Rapp'em against Sir Solomon Simple.

SERJEANT

What, the affair of the note?

JACK

Yes.

SERJEANT

Why he is clear that his client never gave such a note.

JACK

Defendant never saw plaintiff since the hour he was born; but, notwithstanding, they have three witnesses to prove a consideration, and signing the note.

SERJEANT

They have?

JACK

He is puzzled what plea to put in.

SERJEANT

Three witnesses ready, you say?

JACK

Yes.

SERJEANT

Tell him Simple must acknowledge the note, [Jack starts] and bid him, against the trial comes on, to procure four persons at least to prove the payment, at the Crown and Anchor, the 10th of December.

JACK

But then how comes the note to remain in plaintiff's possession?

SERJEANT

Well put, Jack; but we have a salvo for that; plaintiff happen'd not to have the note in his pocket, but promis'd to deliver it up, when call'd thereunto by defendant.

JACK

That will do rarely.

SERJEANT

Let the defence be a secret, for I see we have able people to deal with. But come, child, not to lose time, have you carefully conn'd those instructions I gave you?

JACK

Yes, Sir.

SERJEANT

Well, that we shall see. How many points are the great object of practice?

JACK

Two.

SERJEANT

Which are they?

JACK

The first is to put a man into possession of what is his right.

SERJEANT

The second?

JACK

Either to deprive a man of what is really his right, or to keep him as long as possible out of possession.

SERJEANT

Good boy! To gain the last end, what are the best means to be us'd?

JACK

Various and many are the legal modes of delay.

SERJEANT

Name them.

JACK

Injunctions, demurrers, sham-pleas, writs of error, rejoinders, sur-rejoinders, rebutters, sur-rebutters, replications, exceptions, essoigns, and imparlance.

SERJEANT

[To himself.] Fine instruments in the hands of a man, who knows how to use them. – But now, Jack, we come to the point: if an able advocate has his choice in a cause, (which if he is in reputation he may readily have,) which side should he choose, the right, or the wrong?

JACK

A great lawyer's business, is always to make choice of the wrong.

SERJEANT

And prythee why so?

JACK

Because a good cause can speak for itself, whilst a bad one demands an able counsellor to give it a colour.

SERJEANT

Very well. But in what respects will this answer to the lawyer himself?

JACK

In a two-fold way; firstly, his fees will be large in proportion to the dirty work he is to do.

SERJEANT

Secondly? —

JACK

His reputation will rise, by obtaining the victory in a desperate cause.

SERJEANT

Right, boy. – Are you ready in the case of the cow?

JACK

Pretty well, I believe.

SERJEANT

Give it then.

JACK

First of April, anno seventeen hundred and blank, John a Nokes was indicted by blank, before blank, in the county of blank, for stealing a cow, contra pacem etcet. – and against the statute in that case provided and made, to prevent stealing of cattle.

SERJEANT

Go on.

JACK

Said Nokes was convicted upon the said statute.

SERJEANT

What follow'd upon? —

JACK

Motion in arrest of judgment, made by counsellor Puzzle. First, Because the field from whence the cow was convey'd is laid in the indictment as round, but turn'd out upon proof to be square.

SERJEANT

That's well: a valid objection.

JACK

Secondly, Because in said indictment the colour of the cow is called red, there being no such things in rerum natura as red cows, no more than black lions, spread eagles, flying griffins, or blue boars.

SERJEANT

Well put.

JACK

Thirdly, said Nokes has not offended against form of the statute; because stealing of cattle is there provided against: whereas we are only convicted of stealing a cow. Now, though cattle may be cows, yet it does by no means follow that cows must be cattle.

SERJEANT

Bravo, bravo! buss me, you rogue, you are your father's own son! go on, and prosper. – I am sorry, dear Jack, I must leave thee. If Providence but sends thee life and health, I prophesy, thou wilt wrest as much land from the owners, and save as many thieves from the gallows, as any practitioner since the days of king Alfred.

JACK

I'll do my endeavour. [Exit Serjeant.] So! – father is set off. Now if I can but lay eyes on our Charlot, just to deliver this letter, before madam comes home. There she is. – Hist, sister Charlot!

Enter CharlotCHARLOT

What have you got there, Jack?

JACK

Something for you, sister.

CHARLOT

For me! Prythee what is it?

JACK

A thing.

CHARLOT

What thing?

JACK

A thing that will please you I'm sure.

CHARLOT

Come, don't be a boy, let me have it. [Jack gives the letter.] How's this! a letter! from whom?

JACK

Can't you guess?

CHARLOT

Not I; I don't know the hand.

JACK

May be not; but you know the inditer.

CHARLOT

Then tell me his name.

JACK

Break open the seal, and you'll find it.

CHARLOT

[Opening the letter] "Charles Woodford!" – I am sure I know nothing of him.

JACK

Ay, but sister you do.

CHARLOT

How! when, and where?

JACK

Don't you remember about three weeks ago, when you drank tea at our chambers, there was a young gentleman in a blue sattin waist-coat, who wore his own head of hair?

CHARLOT

Well?

JACK

That letter's from he.

CHARLOT

What can be his business with me?

JACK

Read that, and you'll know.

CHARLOT reads.

"Want words to apologize – hum, hum – very first moment I saw you – hum, hum – smother'd long in my breast – hum, hum – happiest, or else the most wretched of men." – So, Sir, you have undertaken a pretty commission! and what do you think my father will —

JACK

Why, I hope you won't go for to tell him.

CHARLOT

Indeed, Sir, but I shall.

JACK

No, sister, I'm sure you won't be so cross. Besides, what could I do? The poor young lad begg'd so hard; and there for this fortnight he has gone about sighing, and musing, and moping: I am satisfied it would melt you to see him. Do, sister, let me bring him this evening, now father is out.

CHARLOT

Upon my word! – The young man has made no bad choice of an agent; you are for pushing matters at once. – But harkee, Sir, who is this spark you are so anxious about? And how long have you known him?

JACK

Oh! a prodigious long while: above a month I am certain. Don't you think him mighty genteel? I assure you he is vastly lik'd by the ladies.

CHARLOT

He is.

JACK

Yes, indeed. Mrs. Congo, at the Grecian coffee-house, says, he's the soberest youth that comes to the house; and all Mrs. Mittens's 'prentices throw down their work, and run to the window every time he goes by.

CHARLOT

Upon my word!

JACK

And moreover, besides that, he has several great estates in the country; but only for the present, he is kept out of 'em all by the owners.

CHARLOT

Ah, Jack! that's the worst part of the story.

JACK

Pshaw! that's nothing at all. His guardian, Mr. Fairplay, has been with father to-day, and says, he is certain that he can set all to rights in a trice.

CHARLOT

Well, Jack, when that point is determin'd, it will be time enough to —

JACK

Then! Lord of mercy! why, sister Charlot, it is my private opinion that if you don't give him some crumbs of comfort, he won't live till Midsummer term.

CHARLOT

I warrant you. Either Cupid's darts were always but poetical engines, or they have been lately depriv'd of their points. Love holds no place in the modern bills of mortality. However, Jack, you may tell your friend, that I have observ'd his frequent walks in our street.

JACK

Walks! Why one should think he was appointed to relieve the old watchman; for no sooner one is off, but the other comes on.

CHARLOT

And that from his eyes being constantly fixed on my window (for the information of which, I presume he is indebted to you.) —

JACK

He! he! he!

CHARLOT

I had a pretty shrewd guess at his business; but tell him that unless my fa – Hush! our tyrant is return'd. Don't leave the house till I see you.

Enter Mrs. Circuit and BettyMrs. CIRCUIT

So, Sir, what makes you loitering from chambers? I thought I told you, you should never be here but at meals? [Exit Jack.] One spy is enough in a family. – Miss, you may go to your room; and d'ye hear – I shall have company, so you need not come down. [Exit Charlot.] – Betty, no message or letter?

BETTY

None, Madam.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

That is amazing! – You know I expect Colonel Secret and Mrs. Simper every instant.

BETTY

Yes, Madam.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Put the fruit and the wine on the table in the next room.

BETTY

Very well, Madam.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

And, Betty, order the fellow to let nobody in but Sir Luke.

BETTY

Madam, I shall take care.

[Exit.Mrs. CIRCUIT sits down

The ballot must be over by this time. Sure there is nothing so dreadful as a state of suspence: but should they black ball me! – No, there's no danger of that; miss Mattadore has insur'd me success. – Well, this is certainly one of the most useful institutions; it positively supplies the only point of time one does not know how to employ. From twelve, the hour of one's rising, to dinner, is a most horrible chasm; for though teizing the mercers and milliners by tumbling their wares, is now and then an entertaining amusement, yet upon repetition it palls. – But every morning to be sure of a party, and then again at night after a rout, to have a place to retire to; to be quite freed from all pain of providing; not to be pester'd at table with the odious company of clients, and country cousins; for I am determin'd to dine, and sup at the club, every day. I can tell 'em, they'll have but very few forfeits from me.

Enter Betty, in haste, with a LetterBETTY

By a chairman, Madam, from the Thatch'd House.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Give it me, Betty, this instant; – ay – this is Mattadore's hand. [opens and reads the letter.] "My dear Circuit – it is with the utmost concern, and confusion, I find myself oblig'd to acquaint you, that notwithstanding all the pains I have taken, the club have thought fit to reject." – Oh! [She faints.]

BETTY

Bless my soul! my lady is gone! – John! Will! Kitty! run hither this instant. —

Enter two Maids and a Man ServantALL

What, what's the matter?

BETTY

Quick! quick! some hartshorn and water [pats her hand.] Madam! madam —

SERVANT

Here! here! here! [bringing water.]

BETTY

John, go for the potter-carrier this instant – I believes to my soul she is dead – Kitty, fetch some feathers to burn under her nose; – there, stand further off, and give her some air —

Enter Sir LukeSir LUKE

Hey day! what the deuce is the matter? what's the meaning of all this, Mrs. Betty?

BETTY

Oh! Sir, is it you – my poor lady! [cries] clap the bottle hard to her nose.

Sir LUKE

But how came it about?

BETTY

Some of the continents of that curs'd letter, she has there in her hand.

Sir LUKE

Here, here, take some of my eau de luce. [offering a bottle.]

BETTY

There! she recovers a little – some water – I believe it is nothing but a satirical fit, I have had them myself – now she opens her eyes – so, so – bend her forward a little.

Sir LUKE

My sweet Mrs. Circuit.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Who is that?

BETTY

Nobody at all madam, but only Sir Luke.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! Sir Luke, such a stroke, so fatal, so sudden, it is not in nature I should ever survive it.

Sir LUKE

Marry heaven forbid! but what cause – what could —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Leave the room. [To the servants, who go out.] Only, look over that letter.

Sir LUKE

Hum, hum, – [reads] "fit to reject you – this – "

Mrs. CIRCUIT

There! there! there!

Sir LUKE

I own this is the utmost malice of fortune – but let me finish the letter. – "This calamity, dear Circuit, is of such a nature as baffles all advice, or interposition of friends, I shall therefore leave you to time, and your own good understanding." [pretty and sensible.] – "yours," &c. – But let us see, what says the postscript – [reads.] "Perhaps it may give you some comfort to know that you had sixteen almonds, and but two raisins against you."

Mrs. CIRCUIT

But two!

Sir LUKE

No more.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

This must be Kitty Cribbage's doing, she has been tattling about the paltry trifle I owe her.

Sir LUKE

Not unlikely: but come, bear up, my dear madam, and consider that two—

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Is as bad as two thousand.

Sir LUKE

Granted; but perhaps it mayn't be too late to repair. – Gadso! I have thought of a scheme – I'll be elected myself, and then I warrant we manage —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You, Sir Luke? that never can be.

Sir LUKE

No, Madam, and why not? – why you don't suppose that they wou'd venture to —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

It would not only be against the spirit, but the very letter of their constitution to chuse you a member.

Sir LUKE

Ay, Madam, how so?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Their statutes are selected from all the codes that ever existed from the days of Lycurgus to the present Czarina.

Sir LUKE

Well.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

The law that relates to your case they have borrow'd from the Roman religion.

Sir LUKE

As how?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

As no man can be admitted a monk, who has the least corporal spot, or defect; so, no candidate can be receiv'd as a member who is depriv'd of the use of any one of his limbs.

Sir LUKE

Nay, then indeed I am clearly cut out; that incapacity can never be got over.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Indeed, the Serjeant says, if the club could be induc'd to resolve in your favour, then the original law would signify nothing.

Sir LUKE

Well, well, we'll see what can be done. [A loud knocking.] But hush! the company's come; collect yourself, sweet Mrs. Circuit; don't give your enemies the malicious pleasure of seeing how this disappointment affects you.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Never fear; I know a little too much of the world not to turn this defeat to my credit.

Enter Colonel Secret and Mrs. SimperMrs. SIMPER

Your servant, Sir Luke; my dear Circuit, I am frighten'd to death – your people tell me, you are but just recover'd from a —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! nothing at all! a faintness, a kind of swimming – but those people are ever swelling that mole hills to mountains.

Mrs. SIMPER

I protest I was afraid that you had suffer'd your late disappointment to lay hold of your spirits.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

What disappointment, my dear?

COLONEL

Mrs. Simper hints at the little mistake made this morning at the Thatch'd House.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

That! ridiculous! I could have told you that a fortnight ago, child – all my own doing.

Mrs. SIMPER

How!

Sir LUKE

Entirely.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! I always detested the thoughts of the thing; – they would put me up, let me say what I would, so I was reduc'd to the necessity of prevailing upon two of my friends to black ball me.

Mrs. SIMPER

That, indeed, alters the case.

COLONEL

I am vastly happy to hear it: your old acquaintance were afraid they should lose you.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

It is a sign they know but little of me – but come, my good folks, I have prepared a small collation in the next room, will you —

[Exeunt. Enter Jack and WoodfordJACK

I'll watch sister, to see that nobody comes; now Woodford make good use of your time. [Exit Woodford.] There, I have left 'em together; if I had staid, I don't believe they would have open'd their mouths for a month: I never saw such an alteration in a lad since the day I was born. – Why, if I had not known him before, I should not have thought he had a word to throw to a dog; but I remember the old proverb: