A New Catalogue of Vulgar Errors

Pindarum quisquis, &c.

And indeed we have no Occasion to go any farther for Examples of excellent Poetry wrote in Prose, than some of the Plays in our own Language; Ben Johnson, Congreve, and many more who wrote in Prose, are nevertheless ranked among the Poets.

Reader, when thou seest any Thing in this Book which thou didst know before, it is hoped thou wilt be so candid as to consider, that although thou art sensible of the Errors of other People, yet they themselves may not be sensible of them: Yes, even thou, O! profound Philosopher! mayest have some mistaken Notions of thy own; for what mortal Man can pretend to such Knowledge as never to be mistaken? And we ourselves, while we are endeavouring to rectify the Errors of others in this Book, are as likely to be mistaken as any Body.

However, there is one Reason why a Work of this Nature is likely to give some Entertainment; it treats of such Variety of Subjects, that there is Matter for Argumentation in every Page. And it may be observed too perhaps, that it treats of more Subjects than the Author himself seems too understand; which we do very readily acknowledge: And if a Professor in any of the different Branches which are here treated of, who is better versed in the Nature of the Subject than the Author, thinks proper to rectify any Mistake which may be here made, and does it in a liberal Way, we shall not take it amiss, but perhaps may endeavour to answer him, if we should still differ from him in our Opinion.

On the other Hand, we shall be under no great Apprehensions from the Criticisms of such Readers who have not good Nature enough to be entertained with the Matter of a Book, and only read for the Pleasure of Pointing out the Faults in Public; of which Sort we are very sorry to say that we know too many. These are such Kind of Geniusses as read more out of Parade than with a Design to be entertained; and may read.2– They seldom acquire any Knowledge, having generally bad Memories and confused Heads, devouring every Thing, but digesting Nothing. I tell thee, a Man of true Parts, and sound Memory, will acquire more by reading one Hour, than such Whippersnappers as these are able to attain to by lumbering over a Folio.

XXVI

That kicking up the Heel behind, and twisting round upon one Leg, is fine Scating.

There are two Methods of Scating, one is made Use of for the Sake of Expedition and Conveyance from Place to Place, and is practised by the Boors or Peasants in Holland; the other is calculated entirely for Amusement, and answers the End of Shining upon the Ice, and therefore is suited for Gentlemen near Towns upon Canals, and broad Pieces of Water. The first of these Methods is performed by throwing the Body into such an erect Posture inclining a little upon the Outside of the Scate, and drawing in the Hip gradually, as will describe small Curve upon the Ice; this Practice of Scating eases the Inside of the Thigh, and rests it in such a Manner as to allow it Time to regain Strength for the next Stroke, and therefore is very useful in long Journies; or else as to the Article of Swiftness, a straight Line will carry a Person on faster than a Curve, because while he is describing a Curve he has more Ground to run over.

The other Method of Scating, which is known in England by the Name of Rolling, is done upon the same Principle as the former, only as you have no Occasion for Expedition, you have an Opportunity of dweling longer upon your Strokes, and your Time; by which Means, instead of describing a small Curve, you describe a large one.

It will be necessary to explain the Cause of this Motion, before we can make the Reader sensible of what we intend to say.

All Bodies that are put into Motion upon the Surface of the Earth, are acted upon by two Forces; namely, a Projectile Force and a Centripetal Force. The Projectile Force is that which is given it by the Hand or Strength of any Person, and the Centripetal Force is that which causes all Bodies to seek the Center of the Earth. For Instance, when a Stone is cast into the Air to any Distance, the Reason why it does not move on to Eternity without stopping (as it ought to do by the Principles of Mechanics) is, because the Centripetal Force keeps continually acting upon it, till it has pulled it down to the Ground again: This serves to explain what is meant by a Centripetal Force.

Now, when a Person scates, he is acted upon by these two Forces, as other Bodies in Motion are. It is the Projectile Force which throws him upon the Outside of the Scate, till he has got quite out of the Center of Gravity, by which Means he would be pulled to the Ground by the Centripetal Force, if he was not supported by the Projectile Force, which is strong enough to make Head against the Centripetal for a little while (in the same Manner as it is able to keep a Stone in the Air till it is spent) and by that Time the Person scating has recovered himself into an erect Posture. This Projectile Force is given by a Stroke of the Foot, inclined to the Plain of the Ice; by which Means, the whole Edge of the Scate takes hold, and is your moving Force; and the more of the Edge of the Scate a Person uses in his Stroke, the easier he will go to himself, and the greater Velocity he will move with: For if he dwells more upon the Heel of the Scate than the Toe, or vice versâ, he not only loses Part of his moving Force, by losing Part of the Edge of his Scate, which is absolutely the moving Force, but he likewise encreases his Friction, which ought to be destroyed as much as possible; and at the same Time loses that Symmetry of Gesture, upon which the Gracefulness of his Attitude depends.

When a Person scates properly, he keeps the Foot that he strikes with in such a Posture upon the Ice, as to make the whole Scate take hold of it sideways, without destroying his progressive Motion; and instead of kicking up his Heel behind, just when he takes Leave of the Ice, with the Foot which has been striking, he gives his Toe a Turn outwards, which not only gives him a genteel Air, being according to the Rules of Dancing, but likewise sends him with twice the Force upon the Outside, as it adds to that Projectile Force which is to make Head against the Centripetal, and to keep him upon his Legs after he has got out of the Center of Gravity; and which uncommon Phœnomenon gives that Surprize and Pleasure to a Beholder, which he perceives at the Sight of a fine Scater.

I mention this, because I have met with those who have obstinately persisted in it, that some Persons who kick up their Heels behind, and strike only with the Toe of their Scate, because they can go a Snail's Gallop upon the Outside, are fine Scaters; when they are making Use of a Method which is repugnant to the very Principles of Mechanics.

XXVII

That using hard Words and long Sentences, in Discourse or in Writing, is an Indication of Scholarship.

It must be allowed, that good Language is a very great Embellishment, either to a Person's Conversation, or his Writing; but as it is intended only to set off what we have to say to the best Advantage, we should endeavour to use it with such Moderation, as will answer that End, and no more; otherwise, we shall make ourselves appear very ridiculous in the Eyes of Men of Learning and Knowledge.

Good Language, in the Mouth of a Fine Gentleman, resembles the Elegance of his Dress; it becomes equally ridiculous when ill-judged, or over done: For as there is no Doubt but good Cloaths set off the Person to a great Advantage, when they are made with Judgement, and worn with a becoming Carriage, so an elegant Choice of Words and Sentences are a great Ornament to Conversation. But on the other Hand, a Suit of Cloaths, though made of the finest Materials and covered with Lace, will make but an aukward Appearance if it is ill-made, and worn by one who has not the Carriage of a Gentleman. So it is with Language. Fine Words, in the Mouths of the Ignorant, are as unbecoming as Gold Lace upon the Back of a Porter. – And not only the Ignorant are guilty of this Error, but even those who do know the Meaning of the Words they use, are apt, by affecting an elegant Diction, to run themselves into Obscurity; and while they are attending to their Language, and studying hard Words, neglect the Matter of their Discourse; to explain which is the sole End of Speaking. The Use of Words being only to convey our Ideas to each other.

There is a Shew-board over a Watchmaker's Shop at Oxford, which may serve for a Burlesque upon the Folly of using hard Words: I cannot charge my Memory with all the Jargon wrote upon that Board; however, I remember that it was a long Account of what the Man in the Shop sold, and what he did; and among other Things it said that Horologies were mundified there; which Expression we think is enough to make any Man sick of the Languages, and abjure every Thing that belongs to Literature for the future.

I have met People in the Street, whose profound Ignorance I have been well assured of, who have immediately stunned me upon the first entering into Discourse with half a Dozen hard Words: And it is not long since, a young Gentleman came to the Coffee-house, and ordered the Waiter, when he sent Coffee and Tea to his Chambers, to let him have an additional Muffin: The Man stared at him, and told him, that he did not know how to do one in that Manner, but he could carbonade him one if he pleased.

A Lady would think it extraordinary language, upon a Gentleman's desiring to carry on an Intrigue with her, if he was to ask her, whether she would have an additional Husband, or not? However, as this is a prodigious fine Word, and as fine Words are always made use of in addressing the Ladies, we are of Opinion that it would be proper to adapt this as an Improvement in the Language of Lovers.

Almost all Professions are stuffed so full of Terms of Art, that to understand the Meaning of all the Words which are made use in any one of them, is long enough for a Science of itself. The only End they answer, is to puzzle those who are not of the same Profession. Not long ago, a young Man in the Country, who had weak Eyes, applied to a Surgeon for Relief in his Disorder. The Surgeon, upon examining his Patient, told him, that he would send him some Drops which would refrigerate his Eye.

The young Man came Home again, not very well satisfied, being not certain what he might have to undergo by this Refrigeration, having never heard the Word before. Surely he might with as much Propriety have been told, that what was in the Bottle would put him to no Pain, but was only intended to cool his Eyes.

It is incredible to think how cleverly some People, who have not had the Advantages of Education, will manage about Half a Dozen of these Words when they have got them. I have known some, who, for the Space of four or five Minutes, would deceive a Stranger, and induce him to think that he had met with a Person of great Learning. And however odd this may appear, we think we ourselves can manage the few hard Words which have been mentioned here, in such a Manner as to make an extraordinary Sentence of them: For Instance, supposing a Person had no other fine Words but these in his Catalogue, and had an Occasion for them in addressing a Lady; we are of Opinion, that he might shine by ranging them all in this Order.

Madam, I presume your Horologie will never go right unless it is mundified by an additional Lover; therefore, let me have the Honour to refrigerate your Eye.

A Swain of a more happy Invention, might make a much finer Speech out of these Words; but as we have done our utmost in the Attempt, we shall take Leave of the Subject; having shewn, to a Demonstration, the singular Advantage of making Use of fine Words.

XXVIII

That the Way to get a Sailing Boat off the Shore, when she is fast by any Accident, is to let go both or all the Sails, and stand at her Head, and push with a Sprit.

This Error, though it may seem ridiculous to those who have been brought up at Sea, and understand Sailing, is nevertheless very common in Inland Rivers, where Sailing is but little understood. You may very frequently see fresh-water Sailors, as soon as they find that their Boat has struck, immediately let both their Main-sail and Fore-sail fly, after which they all run to the Head of the Boat with Sprits, and begin to endeavour to push her off; which Method is contrary to the Rules of Mechanics, and therefore of Sailing.

A Boat or Vessel of any Size (a 90 Gun Ship moving upon the same Principle as the smallest Cutter,) is acted upon by the Powers which are the Cause of her Motion as she swims in the Water, in the same Manner as a Lever of the first Kind, whose Center or Prop is between the Power and the Weight. To explain this, let us suppose a Boat, instead of Swimming in the Water, to be upon dry Land, and to have her Mast run quite through her, and fastened into the Ground, upon which she might be turned at Pleasure, as upon an Axle-Tree: In this Case, as her Mast is rather nearer her Head than her Stern, it would be more easy to turn her Head round by laying hold of her Stern, because there would be a Mechanical Advantage, by the greater Length from the Stern to the Mast, than from the Head to the Mast. And in whatever Direction the Stern of the Vessel is turned, her Head must move the contrary Way, and vice versâ. Now, the same will happen to a Vessel in the Water; if you push her Head in one Direction, her Stern will move in the other, and vice versâ. So that a Vessel under Sail with a Side-wind, may be called a Lever of the first Kind, both whose Extremities are kept in a Ballance by the Sails and Rudder; Forces which keep continually acting upon her. The Rudder may be considered as a Kind of Moderator, which is to interpose when the Sails which are before the Mast, or those which are behind the Mast, or abaft, overpower each other, and destroy that Ballance which a Vessel rightly trimmed very near preserves of herself. It must be observed, that the Sails before the Mast of a Vessel, and those behind it, act in contrary Directions. Those which are before the Mast turn her Head from the Wind, and those which are behind it turn her Head towards the Wind.

By this Time, we see the Impropriety of letting both the Main-sail and Fore-sail of a Vessel go, when she strikes upon Ground, and then running to her Head in order to push her off: For first, concerning the Article of going to her Head to push her off, if she is a small Vessel, the Weight of two or three People at her Head will press that Part, which generally happens to be the Part upon the Shore, still closer down; which is a Thing so well known to every Waterman, that we shall say no more about that. Now, as to letting both the Sails go, they might with as much Propriety both be set, for as they act in contrary Directions, they destroy each other's Force, if the Vessel is well trimmed; so that a Vessel will come off the Ground no sooner for letting both the Sails go. The Method that I should take in a Case of that Kind, would be to set the Main-sail and let the Fore-sail fly, and if that would not do alone, to assist the Main-sail by pushing at the Windward-side of her Stern with a Sprit, both which Forces acting together, namely the Main-sail and the Sprit, would in all Probability put her Head about so as to bring it beyond the Point from which the Wind blows, which Point after I had got her past, I would set the Fore-sail to the other Tack, and let the Main-sail go; and by that Means, the Fore-sail would put her Head almost round; then the Main-sail might be set, and after Sailing back so far as to get quite clear of the Place where the Vessel stuck fast before, she might be tacked about again, and pursue her intended Voyage.

I don't presume to say, that this is the very best Method of getting a Vessel off the Shore; as those who have been used to the Sea may have a more ready Method still: But I do say, that it is a Method which is consonant to the Principles of Mechanics, for which Reason, it may very safely be put in Execution, either at Sea or in fresh Water.

XXIX

That planting Aquatics upon Banks in the Fenns, will preserve and strengthen them, so as to render them more able to resist the Force of a Flood.

What will be asserted in this Chapter is not the Result of Surmise, but is what I have been an Eye Witness of. Be it known then unto all those, who think proper to do this Book so much Honour as to give it a Perusal, that the Author is a Fenman: Why should he be ashamed of his Native Country? A Country, where they have Inverted the following Lines of Horace:

Omne cum Proteus pecus egit altosVisere Montes:Piscium & summâ genus hæsit Ulmo,Nota quæ sedes fuerat columbis,Et superjecto pavidæ nataruntÆquore Dammæ.

For here, instead of those Places which were the Habitations of Doves, being visited by Fish, just the contrary has happened. By the Ingenuity of these People, barren Sands, over which Ships used to ride at Anchor, are changed into pleasant Meadows and rich Inclosures.

Having now shewn how much of a Fenman we are, it will be proper to return to the Subject.

There can be no Doubt, but that every Attempt which is made to promote the Improvement of Agriculture, is highly commendable; and on the other Hand, it is the Duty of every one, to endeavour to rectify such of those Attempts as he knows, as well from his own Experience, as from the Conversation of skilful Engineers, to be erroneous: And we are sorry to say, we are very clear that the Scheme of planting Aquatics upon Banks in the Fenns, notwithstanding what has been affirmed about it, is so far from being likely to strengthen such Banks, that it is a certain Way to destroy them.

In order to make some of our Readers, who live in the high Country, sensible of the Truth of what will be here asserted, it will be necessary to explain the Nature of Fenn-Draining, which shall be done in as few Words as possible.

Water is a Fluid, as has been before observed; and it is the Nature of a Fluid to be always endeavouring to restore an Equilibrium in it's Parts, which we may observe by it's restless Motion after the Surface of it is made uneven. It is in order to restore this Equilibrium, that Water rushes down with such Rapidity, from the high Country into the Fenns; where, when it has got, the Surface of the whole Country being even, and in general no higher than the Bottom of the adjacent Seas, it remains quiet; Fenn-Draining, therefore, must be a Work of Art. – Now let us examine into the Principles of this Art.

The first Thing to be done is, to scour out the Bottoms of the Rivers, which run through them, from Sand and Filth, and by that Means to make a good Outfall; then to make Banks of Earth on the Sides of those Rivers, to prevent, as much as possible, the Water which comes down in a Flood from overflowing the Country, as well as to retain such Water as shall be thrown into the Rivers by Engines. It will be needless here to describe the Machinery of a Water Engine; it will be sufficient to say, that Drains are cut which lead from these Engines to the Rivers, which Drains are banked likewise, and that these Engines, by the Help of the Wind, have a Power of Drawing the Water from the Lands which are drowned, into these Drains, till they are quite full, and till the Water has got to a Level which is higher than the Bottom of the adjacent Sea; and by the Principles of Hydrostatics is forced to run into the Sea to restore the Equilibrium: It is by the Strength of the Banks, the Force of the Engines, and the Goodness of the Outfall, that a Fenn must be drained. Now, I affirm that planting Aquatics upon Banks in the Fenn will not strengthen them, but destroy them.

All Vermin in a Fenn are fond of a Bank; it is high Ground, and therefore dry and comfortable for them in the Winter, for which Reason they are always full of Moles, and particular Kinds of Rats and Mice, with long Noses, call'd Field Mice and Rats, and abundance more Animals, which breed incessantly; and make Holes and Burrows through the Banks in all Directions. One Kind of these Rats builds his House so commodious, that it is worth while to relate the Ingenuity of this little Free Mason: He begins by making a Hole in the Top of the Bank, and after a Labyrinth of many Windings and Turnings, he finishes all, by making another towards the Bottom of the Bank close to the Water's Edge; by that Means he extends his Territories from the Top of the Bank to the Bottom, and has a Supply of fresh Water, without being seen by the Enemy, who is continually upon the Watch for him. Owls, Buzzards, Kites, Ravens, Carrion Crows, and other Birds of Prey in the Fenn, always frequent the Banks in the Evening, and if the Grass is kept low by Cattle, they will destroy most of the Vermin upon them.

But then we must not plant Trees upon them, as they will be the finest Cover imaginable for those Rats; Trees will not only hide them from the Sight of the Birds of Prey, but will likewise hinder those Birds from darting down upon them when they have got a Sight of them.

I remember, near eighteen Years ago, several Sorts of Aquatics were planted upon the Banks in the Fenns near Thorney-Abbey; the Consequence was, the Roots of the Trees served for Timber for the Houses of these Vermin, and the Branches were a Shelter from the Birds of Prey, by which Means they were full of Holes, thro' which the Water used to run back again to the Lands as fast as the Engines threw it out; for which Reason the Trees were ordered to be grubbed up, by the principal Engineer.

There is nothing which strengthens a Bank like a good Covering of Grass, close eat by Cattle; for if once Water penetrates through the outside Coat of a Bank, it is not in the Power of Aquatics to hinder it from tearing the Earth away with it. If Aquatics are planted any where, they ought to be at some Distance before the Bank, in order to keep the Lash of Water from wearing it away.

XXX

That those who lived Two Thousand Years ago, were larger than the present Race of Mankind.

We are obliged to the Poets for this Patagonian System. Their Fictions of Titan and Briareus, and the whole Fraternity of Giants, is a Fable which conveys a Moral: The Giants, upon attempting to scale the Walls of Heaven by heaping Mountains one upon another, are repelled by Jupiter's Thunder, made Prisoners, and bound under those Mountains upon which they made the Attempt. The Moral of the Fable is only this, that it is impossible for any Force to oppose the Omnipotent. Not to dispute whether the Ancients were of Opinion, that at the Creation of the World all the Animals were of a gigantic Size, or what might be their Sentiments about that Matter; it is certain that there has been an Opinion among Men, in all Ages, that the Time in which they themselves lived, produced Men of less Stature than those who lived some Time before them. This is a Persuasion which the Poets all encouraged, as it suited their Purpose; nothing being so great an Enchantment, to the Mind of a poetical Reader, as to be struck with the Marvellous.

When Virgil makes Turnus throw a large Stone at Æneas, he tells us, that it was such a Stone as twelve Men of his degenerate Age could scarce have carried upon their Shoulders.

Nec plura effatus, saxum circumspicit ingens:Saxum antiquum ingens, campo quod forte jacebat,Limes agro positus litem ut discerneret arvis.Vix illud lecti bis sex cervice subirent,Qualia nunc hominum producit corpora tellus.

A Person who reads this Passage, and really believes that Men were larger in Æneas' Time than in Virgil's, reasons thus with himself: "The Works of Nature degenerate: Those who lived in Æneas's Time, were larger than those who lived in Virgil's; and those who lived in the Time of Virgil, were larger than those who live now."

With regard to those who lived in Æneas's Time, we cannot indeed have any positive Proof to the contrary; but it is not impossible to prove, that the generality of those Romans who lived in Virgil's Time, were not so tall as the present Inhabitants of Great Britain are at this Day.

The English in general are a tall People; we are obliged to a Mixture of Saxons and Danes for our Stature. A curious Observer may discover a great deal of the Dane in many of the English, not only from their Names, but likewise from their Features and Complexions. Those People who have straight Hair between a white and a red, and have fine Skins, but withall a fierce Countenance, seem to be of Danish Extraction. It is not difficult, neither, to trace the Saxon in many of our Nation; such as are tall and lusty, and of a peaceable and quiet Demeanor till they are provoked, and with nothing very brisk in their Countenances, seem to have had Saxon Ancestors. Not to dwell long upon this, as it is certain that England has been over-run by the Danes and Saxons (whom it would be prudent not to speak ill of, lest we should abuse some of our own Relations) we will return to our Subject.