A New Catalogue of Vulgar Errors

However, we will not tax Horace with Impropriety, in so fine an Ode; as we do not know, what the East Winds may be in Italy. They had not the German Ocean to pass over, before they came to Horace, and may be warm, light, and soft, in that Country.

But to return: There are many Things upon the Surface of the Earth, (without being obliged to have Recourse to the extraordinary Velocity of Light) which move faster than the Wind. We have no Occasion to go any further than the Flight of a Pigeon, or a Swallow, even for a Storm; which we may observe, by the Motion of light Bodies, such as Feathers and Straws, which have no Power to resist it's Force, and must be hurried away with the same Velocity as the Wind itself. We may easily try the Experiment, by throwing Feathers from off a Church Steeple, or any high Place; and we shall find, that though they will be hurried off at a great Rate, yet not so swift as a Pigeon upon her full Stretch. Those who are at Sea have a much better Opportunity of observing it's Motions than Landmen: Nothing is more common, than to see that the Wind has chopped about, by it's Action upon the Sails of a Ship at great Distance off; and it is a long Time before it reaches the Sails of the Ship from whence it is first discovered; and even when a Storm is seen coming at a Distance, they have Time enough to reeve the Sails, and lie in a Posture to receive it. It would be very easy at Land, to take an exact Measure of the Velocity of any Wind, by watching it when it first comes. It might be done in this Manner, viz. by taking the exact Distance of all the Churches in the Neighbourhood from each other, and setting Flags upon the Steeples of those which stand easy to be seen, and which are in different Directions; after which, a Person might go up to the Top of one which stood in the middle of them, with a Telescope, and as soon as he saw the Flags upon any of the Steeples at a Distance move from the Directions which they stood in when he first ascended the Steeple, he might be certain of a fresh Gale being come, and that it had just then reached that Steeple. Upon seeing this, all that he would have to do would be, to look at his Watch and by that Means he would know how fast the Gale of Wind had travelled, by observing how many Miles it had gone in such a Time. For by observing the Flag on the Steeple at a Distance, he might know when it had reached that Place, and by the Flag upon the Steeple where the Observer himself stood, he might see when it reached him, and by his Watch he might know how long it had been coming.

XV

That there is now, or ever was, such a Science as Astrology.

Reader, when thou dost peruse this Book, I would have thee sensible of the intrinsic Value of Truth; one single Page of this inestimable Commodity, is worth a Thousand Volumes of Lies. I do not intend to impose upon thee, and lead thee astray, and laugh at thee afterwards; even as the Egyptian Priests of old did deceive their Flock, and at the same Time did laugh at them, for worshiping the monstrous Idols, which were the Compositions of their own Craft. Thou wouldest hardly believe that these Idolaters were so grossly imposed upon, as to be induced to worship Garlick and Onions; and yet, we have Accounts, that if the Priests of those Times did fix their Eyes upon a good Crop of those Vegetables, they could very easily rank them amongst the Number of their Gods; and, by that Means, render them unlawful to be handled by any one, except themselves. What might be their Intent, in such a Case, we will not presume to determine, but leave it to thy own superior Judgment.

Indeed, thou mayest think thyself happy, in being a Native of a Country, where the exact Boundary is fixed to every one's Property; and where, though when thou dost endeavour to defend thy Right, thou wilt find some who are ready to go Halves with thee, yet, thou mayest in Time hinder thy Adversary from enjoying what is thy Due.

And moreover, thou mayest think thyself very comfortable, that thou dost breathe in so free an Air, where thou hast the refreshing Liberty of hearkening to Reason, and of thinking as thou dost like best; for if thou didst live in some Countries, thou wouldest find, that thou must either think as others please to dictate to thee, or else keep thy Thoughts to thyself; otherwise, it had been better for thee, if thou hadst never been able to come at the Knowledge of Truth, and had been as ignorant as those Idolatrous Egyptians before mentioned; who, while their Priests were studying the real Science of Astronomy, kept the Laity in the dark, and amused them with the false Science of Astrology; making them believe that they could foretell all Things which should happen to them and their Families, by their Knowledge of the Stars; and persuading them, that the Stars had an Influence upon the Lives and Fortunes of Individuals; introducing the Jargon of being born under particular Planets, and the like. To all which their Impositions they gained the greater Credit, by being able to calculate, and therefore to foretell the Eclipses of the Sun and Moon; which Phenomena of Nature they used to explain so as to answer their own sinister Views; construing the common Motions and Appearances of the Heavenly Bodies, into Prodigies and Wonders; fortelling the Deaths of those they hated, and taking the Opportunity of that Time of Consternation, to dispatch them, in order to make their Words prove true. I tell thee, Reader, thou art happy in being a Native of a Country where thou art not deceived by the false Science of Astrology; and where any one who understands it, whether Priest or Layman, will shew thee as much of the real Science of Astronomy, as thou desirest to learn, for a Bottle or two of Wine, with all his Heart; well knowing, that it will be a Means to give thee a more sublime Notion of the Supreme Being: For the more thou dost contemplate the vast Machinery of the Heavenly Bodies, and the exact Time which they keep in their Revolutions, the more thou wilt be convinced of the immense Contrivance of Him who laid the Foundation of the Heavens.

XVI

Most Londoners are mistaken when they think that they have Wit enough to impose upon Countrymen.

This Error chiefly proceeds from the outward Appearance of Countrymen, when they arrive at the Metropolis. They are struck with the Grandeur of the Place, and on that Account keep their Heads up in the Air, as if they were contemplating some Phœnomenon in the Heavens. Then their Cloaths, being calculated for Strength and Wear, are spun thick, which gives them a stiff, awkward Gait, and this is not a little augmented by the robust Labour which they daily undergo, and the great Burthens, of different Sorts, which they are continually obliged to bear, through the Course of their Farming Business. This Aukwardness, joined to an Absence, which the Contemplation of any Thing fine is sure to beget, makes high Diversion for the Londoners, and they are apt to put many Tricks upon them, as Clowns, which the Countrymen (being Strangers to the Place) easily fall into; upon which Account, those Urban Mobility, are apt to tax them with Want of Quickness of Apprehension.

But, O Cives! let us first examine into the real State of the Case, and make a little Allowance for Robin's Parallax, before we are too hard upon his Abilities. I tell thee, your right Clown is the sharpest Fellow in the World; and if thou hadst any Dealings with him in his own Way, thou wouldest soon find him so, to thy Cost. If he came from Yerkshire, thou wouldest have no Chance with him, And we humbly conceive, that it is upon this Account that Countrymen have the Name of Clowns given them: For we take the Original Meaning of a Clown to be, one who is a quick, bright, witty Fellow, who puts on the Appearance of Folly, while his Head is at Work to deceive you. Such as these were Shakespeare's Clowns, who knew the Meaning of the Word too well to make Fools of them. These were the Fellows that he has employed, when there was any Business to dispatch, which required more than ordinary Address and Secresy in the Management of it, and who were to make Diversion to crowned Heads by the Sprightliness of their Wit. So that we apprehend the Word Clown, in it's original Meaning, does not signify an aukward Lout, but a bright, quick Fellow, who does more by his natural Parts, than by the Help of Education. From hence it was that Countrymen came to be called Clowns. They were found, upon Examination, to be much brighter and sharper than they appeared to be at first Sight.

We have a true Specimen of one of these Kind of Geniuses, in The Journey to London, in the Character of John Moody; who, though he was bewildered in the Hurry and Bustle of London, and broke his Coach, and lost his Monkey, yet we find John has Sense enough to make just Observations upon his Master's Conduct, as well as his Mistress's; and, no Doubt, had John been a real Character, instead of a fictitious one, he would have wished in his Heart, that he had had the Offender, who broke his Coach, before his Master as a Justice of the Peace, at his own Quarter Sessions in the Borough of Guzzledown; for if he had once got him there, whether the Accident which befel the Carriage, was occasioned by his own aukward driving on the wrong Side of the Street, or whether the Fellow did it on Purpose, would have been all one in the Borough of Guzzledown. The Breaking his Worship's Coach, would have been sufficient to have had him sent to Limbo.

XVII

That a Pointer, if he lifts up his Foot, when he comes upon Game, does it in order to shew his Master the Spot where the Birds lie.

This is so well known to be an Error, that no Person, who is a Sportsman, need be informed of the Mistake, with any other Design, than by Way of Ridicule. It truly deserves the Name of a Vulgar Error: However, we shall put in a Word or two concerning the Nature of Pointers, and explain by what Means they arrive at such Perfection, as to point at a Partridge for two Hours together; as it will be necessary, in order to confute the Error.

There are different Kinds of Pointers, some are of Spanish Extraction, some Portuguese, some French, and I have lately heard of a rough Breed from Germany; in the West of England, and in Wales, they make them of English Spaniels, but as that is done by meer Dint of Correction, we shall pass them over in Silence; though they are esteemed excellent when they are well broke.

What we shall endeavour to explain is, how it comes to pass, that a real true bred Pointer, shall point or stand at his Game, for a short Time, without having any Instructions given him at all by any Person.

I apprehend, that a Pointer, if he was in a State of Nature, wild in the Woods and Fields, would procure his Sustenance in this Manner: He would beat about, till he came upon the Scent of something which struck him considerably, and seemed worth his Attention; after which he would, by the Direction of the Scent, creep a little nearer, till he found himself quite certain that he was very near some Game; upon which, such is the vast Pleasure which this Animal receives from the Sensation of Smelling, his Limbs are seized with a Sort of Convulsion, which causes him to make a full Stop, for a short Time, not only in order to contemplate his agreeable Situation, but likewise to consider, how he may best make such a sure Leap as to seize on his Prey.

Reader, when thou art hungry, and art going about thy Business in Haste thro' the City, did the savoury Effluvia which arises from roast Beef never strike thy olfactory Nerves? Yes, no Doubt, thou hast been so agreeably accosted; thou hast made a full Stop; thou hast been so captivated with the Odour thereof, that thou hast begun to consider, even like a Pointer, how to seize upon this thy Game. If thou hast ever had such an Accident, thou mayest easily know the Situation of a Pointer, by consulting thy own Breast. It will be objected, that a Pointer wild in the Woods, could not support himself, at all Times of the Year, by catching Game. In answer to which, I say, that it is the Cold which hinders the Game from breeding continually. Now in Portugal, and those other warm Countries, of which these Dogs are Natives, the Objection of Cold is removed, and for that Reason there always will be, either young Partridges, or Young Pheasants, or Leverets, &c. upon which a Pointer might live all the Year round, though the old ones would prove too quick for him. It will be no Objection, neither, to say, that a true bred Pointer will not break or tear his Game; for that is owing to the Care which is taken, not to let him play with a Bird too long, after it is shot, when he is first entered; for if once a Dog has a Taste of the Blood, and gets a Habit of breaking his Game, it will be almost impossible to cure him of it again.

It is the Nature of most Animals of Prey, to play with their Game before they devour it. Every one must have observed how a Cat plays with a Mouse, before she dispatches it: It is a Kind of a Suspension of the Pleasure, which they promise themselves, in the devouring so delicious a Morsel. And though Human Nature is apt to reflect upon the other Parts of the Creation for Cruelty, he is not a bit better himself; for what Angler is not sensible of the high Pleasure of having a Trout at his Line? which he suffers to flounce and spring in the Water much longer than he has Occasion, to which violent Pain and Fright of the Fish he gives the Name of fine Sport. Not to mention hunting an Animal to Death by Inches, with Hounds, when he might take a Gun, and dispatch it in a Second. The Truth is, no Animal can be taxed with Cruelty, so long as he pursues the Dictates of his Nature.

Since then it is the Nature of most Animals to play with their Game before they dispatch it, we may conclude, that if a young Pointer does not devour his Game when it is shot to him, it is only because we do not give him Time enough, and that, like other Animals of Prey, it is not his Manner to do it immediately.

Having shewn that a Pointer is an Animal whose Prey is Game, we may conclude, that a young Dog makes that sudden Stop when he comes upon Game, for the same Reason that a Cat stops before she leaps upon a Sparrow; viz. that he may dart the surer upon them when he does leap.

As to the Article of holding up his Foot, it entirely depends upon what Position his Legs happen to be in, when his Nose first catches the full Scent of the Birds; he stands in a convulsed Situation; and whatever Posture a Leg is in, at the Time of his first being sure of the Scent, in that Attitude he remains, whether his Leg happens to be lifted up or on the Ground. So that if he does lift up his Leg, when he points at the Game, it is not in order to shew his Master the Spot where they lie, as some have imagined, but is entirely accidental.

XVIII

That the Way to make Boys learn their Books, is to keep them in School all Day, and whip them.

Though the Examples which we have of the Behaviour of the Ancient Worthies and Heroes, shew, that neither Bonds nor Imprisonment can abate the Intrepidity of a Man of true Courage; Yet, to Mankind in general, and especially to those who are but of tender Years, Imprisonment and Scourging together, are most likely to blunt the Understanding, and take off the Edge of the Genius. And indeed, the Mistake of imprisoning Boys in a School, for whole Days together, is practised only in Country Schools, where the Masters of them know no better. At Eaton and Westminster, that foolish Custom has been abolished for some Time; at Eaton especially, they perfect themselves in their Lessons out of School, and only come into School to repeat them. And, not to mention, how greatly the fresh Air contributes towards clearing the Head, as all Students must have observed; the very Thoughts of Liberty, and the knowing that after they have done with their Lessons, they can follow their Amusements, is enough to make them apply with double Diligence to what they are about: It is a Kind of Fighting for Liberty in that Case. Whereas, when a Boy is confined to School for a whole Day together, he has no Encouragement to exert himself in the Cause of Liberty; for when he has fought his Battle bravely, and gone through all the Dangers of his Campaign, he is no nearer to his wished-for Mark, Liberty, than the dullest Boy at the lower End of School. But this leads me to another Error, (viz.)

XIX

That clogging their Parts with long Grammar Rules, will make them bright Scholars.

This Practice too begins to be left off in the great Schools. I remember, when I was a Boy, though I was exceedingly well grounded, and had the whole Scheme of the Grammar quite clear in my Head; yet they thought proper to torment me a long Time, with Rules at the End of the Syntax.

There was licet, and there was decet, and tædet, and oportet, and nocet, and Abundance more, Verbs Impersonal, that ought to be tied upon a String, like the Roman-Catholic Beads, before they are given to Boys to get by Heart, without any Connection between them. I was in Phædrus's Fables, and should have known any of these independent Gentry, if I had met them singly in any Country in Europe, without being tormented with them alltogether.

Such Methods as these, are apt to make a Boy apprehend, that the Intention of Grammar is meerly to give Trouble, and perplex; without any View of Advantage, which may hereafter arise from such an intense Application.

And indeed, whatever the Intent of them may be, a Lad of such a Persuasion, would not be much mistaken, with regard to the Effect they have.

It must be a very different Kind of Genius, which can attain to the Repetition of dull Grammar Rules, from one, who has Fire enough to digest the Beauty of such Lines as these:

Consedere Duces, et Volgi stante Coronâ,Surgit ad hos Clypei Dominus septemplicis Ajax;Utque erat impatiens iræ, Sigeia torvoLittora respexit, Classemque in Littora Vultu, &c.Ovid Metam.

By letting him taste a little of the Kernel, without keeping him too long in the disagreeable Part of getting off the Outside of the Walnut, he would make a much quicker Progress; as he would find, that the Trouble he had underwent would be rewarded with such Pleasure, as nothing but the Idea of Business, or Force, which accompanies it, could render tiresome. It will be objected here, that nothing can be done without these Grammar Rules, and that however disagreeable they may be, they are what must be gone through, in order to make good Scholars. To which I answer, First, that common Grammar not only may be, but is, contracted into a much less Compass than is generally made use of. Nay, I will go farther: A certain Clergyman, whose Name it is needless to mention here, was determined to try if he could not teach a Boy Latin and Greek, without any Grammar at all; and he chose to try the Experiment first upon his own Son, who seems to be about twelve Years of Age. The Boy can now construe any Latin or Greek, that is tolerably easy, very readily. And I make no Doubt, but as the World grows wiser, they will reduce Grammar into a shorter Compass still than ever has been done yet. The Grounds of Musick, are to the full as dry as the Rules of Latin Grammar; and it was formerly a great Work to teach Youth the Rules of Composition; Nevertheless, they have lately found out a much shorter Way of going to Work, and every one now begins to have a little Smattering of Composition; which they attain to by reading those little Pamphlets, which have been wrote lately upon that Subject.

I heard a Gentleman say, that he learned more of Composition, by reading a little short Thing of Pasquali's, than he could acquire by having a Master, who taught by the old Method, in a couple of Years: It is the very same in Grammar, and indeed, it is the same in all Sciences. There is an easy Way of doing every Thing, if we could but find it out; and if any Thing appears difficult, it is, because we are in a wrong Method.

XX

That teaching Boys Bawdy Books, will make them religious Men and good Clergymen.

Though most of the greatest Geniusses among the Ancients, have touched upon that String; and though, reading the Works of the great Poets, who have wrote in that Style, does ripen the Genius, and teach Lads an elegant Expression, as well as set them forward in the Languages; yet, I cannot come into the Opinion, that Youth, especially those who are intended for the Church, should be suffered to read the Composition of such a Master of Intrigue, as Ovid; or some of the Odes of such a Libertine, as Horace.

An English Reader will understand my Meaning, when I tell him, that some of the common School-books, which Boys learn at the Age of Sixteen, are more lewd than any Thing in Rochester's Poems.

For though this Lord was pretty plain in his Expressions, and his Composition is quite Spiritoso, yet his Works may rather be said to instruct a Person in the Science of Wickedness, than to stir him up to it.

The Case is very different with regard to such a Writer as Ovid. He had the great Advantage of calling in the Religion of the Times to his Assistance, when he had a mind to be more wicked than ordinary: He could make the most lewd and profligate Scenes appear sacred Mysteries, by giving them the pious Title of the Rites of Venus. Then there is a Softness through all his Works, which attacks the Heart with a seeming harmless Familiarity, and differs very much from the Air of Rochester; whose Strokes may be compared to the smutty ones which Hogarth has given us, in some of his Paintings; while those of Ovid have the alluring Attitude of a Venus de Medicis.

Pardon, Reader, if I transgress a little, by owning, that I have seen such a Book as Rochester's Poems long ago; and you will the more easily excuse me, when I tell you, that I was taught such a Book as Ovid at School. What has been said about these Books, is intended to shew the Impropriety of using such Authors in a School: And a Clergyman need not be ashamed of owning, that he has read even an Atheistical Book: For how should any Person be able to confute an Author, unless he first peruses his Work, in order to know the Fallacy of the Arguments, which are made use of in it? After that, he may fairly endeavour to say something against it, but not before.

What I would here urge is, that Boys might have many entertaining, useful Books put into their Hands, which may be very elegant, and yet very innocent; without stirring up their Passions to a higher Pitch, than Nature has intended, by letting them into the History of the Amours which were carried on among the ancient Romans, who were, if possible, more lascivious than the modern; as Rome was at that Time of a larger Extent, and more wealthy, and consequently more able to carry on the Schemes of Vice, than at present.

When Ovid wrote, the Romans might be said to be at the Height of their Luxury, in which they were not a little improved by their Eastern Expeditions. And tho' Ovid's Epistles, which are more usually taught at School, than his other Works, are modest enough in themselves, and would be proper enough for grown up People to read, being nothing but a polite Correspondence between Lovers of Distinction; yet there is something so tender in the Style of them, that they are apt to give Youth a Turn for Love Affairs, rather sooner than they would have, if Nature was left to itself.

For tho' the Soil of England is fertile, and it may be called a fine, flourishing Country; yet, the Weather we have here is rough most Part of the Year, and in many Parts of it, the Air is chill, and unwholesome; and on that Account, nothing but the hardy Diversions, which are generally followed by Youth, such as Hunting, and the like, can ever keep them in Health. Excess of Venery would agree much better with any Constitution, in the soft Atmospere of Italy, than amongst the rough Blasts of Old England; so that if we give way so their Vices, we shall soon find that our Constitutions will not endure any such Excess of Pleasure, as the Italians are able to sustain more easily on Account of the Mildness of their Climate, and the Frame of their Constitutions. Not that I would be thought to justify Lewdness and Debauchery in Italy, any more than in England. I only endeavour to shew the double Impropriety of suffering English Youth, to be acquainted with the Vices of the Italians.

I am for having an Edition of Horace printed, which shall contain only such of his Odes as do not touch upon the Affair of Love. It is in vain to say that Boys need only be taught the modest Part of his Works; for if they are taught only the modest Odes by their Masters, they will be sure to read the bawdy ones by themselves.