A New Catalogue of Vulgar Errors

There is no Cause to apprehend that the Works of Nature degenerate in the least, as it is a Supposition which is repugnant to all the Observations which may be made upon the Generation of Animals. Any one who has bred Horses, Dogs, or Poultry, must have observed, that instead of degenerating, they always improve upon his Hands, unless he opposes Nature, which seems to struggle hard against a Stagnation, by confining the Breed too long in the same Family.

We have two Reasons, then, to suppose that the present Inhabitants of Great Britain are larger in Stature than the old Romans were, viz. because they are the Posterity of a taller People, and because the Breed is so much crossed.

But we beg Leave to offer a Reason why it may be apprehended that the Ancients were not larger in Stature than the Moderns, which seems to carry along with it something which has very much the Air of a Proof.

Whoever observes the Size of the Remains of those People who lived in the Time of the old Romans, or before that Time, will find, that they are no larger in their Dimensions than the Remains of those who died fifty Years ago. I have seen Abundance of Stone Coffins, which, as they are found in a Place which has all the manifest Signs of having been a Roman Camp, both in respect of it's advantageous Situation, the Name of the present Town, which is Caster, the Roman Coin which is constantly found there, the Urns in which the Coin is found, the Inscriptions cut in Cedar in the Coffins, the Stones of a Bridge, which may be felt with a Sprit, at the Bottom of the River, at the Back of an Enclosure, which is called the Castle Ground to this Day; all these are Indications of a Roman Camp, and may be seen near the great North Road between Stilton and Stamford; where the Curious, by a proper Application, may have a Pocket full of Roman Coin for a Shilling. Indeed, whether these Stone Coffins, which are found in this Camp, contained the Bodies of Romans, no one can positively determine, especially as the Romans generally burnt their Dead, if they had a convenient Opportunity: However, as they are found in a Roman Camp, upon the same Spot where the Coin is found, it is enough to make one think that they are Roman Coffins, and that the Romans did sometimes bury their Dead; nevertheless, we leave that to the Determination of the Curious. – Of whatever Nation their Contents were, the Marks of great Antiquity are strong upon them; and we can assure the Reader, that none of them were ever troubled with Remains of a Patagonian.

But these are not the only Reliques by which we may form our Judgments; numberless Libraries and Repositories in this Kingdom afford us Instances of the Size of the Ancients: We have several Egyptian Mummies which seem to be of very ancient Standing, and must have contained the Bodies of Men of less Stature than the present English.

Upon the whole, then, we have just Cause to conclude, that in all Ages of the World, the Egyptians and Romans were in general of the same Size with the present Inhabitants of those Countries.

It must nevertheless be allowed, that Luxury and Debauchery, which are the Concomitants of Wealth, do very much tend to decrease the Stature of the Inhabitants of those Cities which have long continued in that State. To which we may apply this Philosophical Maxim, When any Thing is so small as to be of no Consequence to the Point in Hand, it is considered as Nothing. Those Cities which have acquired so much Wealth as to be able to commit such Excesses, are inconsiderable when compared to the Inhabitants of the whole Earth, therefore they are to be considered as nothing.

Besides, so great is the Caprice of Fortune, that even the most powerful State in the Universe, cannot presume to declare how soon a Period may be put to its Grandeur. But having said something upon this Subject before, we shall proceed to another Error.

XXXI

That Bleeding in May will preserve the Constitution against Illness during the ensuing Summer.

This Hereditary Whim has long been practised in many genteel Families in England.

Without consulting any of the Faculty, whose Blood is too thick, or whose too thin, who have got too much Blood in their Veins, or who too little, they send for some Six-penny Bleeder, who performs this Operation upon the whole Family every Year, on May-day in the Morning.

Not to examine into the Causes of Mortality in May, leaving that Task to those who are able to assign them, it will be sufficient to remark, that the weekly Bills generally contain more Deaths in May than in any Month throughout the whole Year.

We are sure to have a Fortnight of unwholesome agueish Weather in May; and one would think, that the common Proverbs which are made use of in the Country to that purpose, would be sufficient to deter a Person from losing any Blood at that Season of the Year.

It is not impossible, but the Preposessions which we have in Favour of the Charms of this Month, may proceed from a Perusal of the Latin Poets, or their Translators; whose Works are full of the various Beauties of the Spring. And very possibly, in Italy, where these Poets lived, that Part of the Spring may be pleasant and wholesome.

In England, we are all of us very sensible of the cold and wet Weather, which generally happens in this Month. And for my own Part, I must confess, that I think May not only the most dangerous, but likewise, upon the whole, the most disagreeable Part of the Year; and am quite certain, that if I was to be let Blood on May-day, I should have the Ague.

XXXII

That Negroes are not a Part of the Human Species.

This is a Creolian Error, imbibed partly by the Prejudice of Education, and partly by the compleat Slavery which these poor Wretches are so unfortunate as to undergo. The passive Appearance of these unhappy People at their Work, which sometimes resembles that of a Horse in a Mill, gives Master Tommy Sugar-Cane an Idea, which is the Cause of an Opinion, that a Negroe is Part of the Brute Creation, and therefore ought to be thrashed.

But indeed, Master Tommy, if I had the Care of thy Education, I would teach thee a more reasonable Way of Thinking.

Young Gentleman, you ought to consider that the Works of Nature are neither better nor worse either for your Approbation or Disapprobation of them. That Black is as good a Colour as White in itself; and that the Effect which particular Rays of Light have upon your Eye, is by no Means to determine the Beauty or Proportion of any Part of the Creation: And though your faithful Negroe does appear rude and uncultivated, that is owing to his Want of Education. Let him have Instructions in Music, you will find that his Genius is greater than your own; teach him to fence, his Activity and Stratagem will surprize you. In short, instruct him in any Science, and he will discover a Capacity.

Therefore, if you have read Mr. Locke, (and if you have not, I would advise you to fit out one of your Ships and make a Voyage in Quest of him) Mr. Locke will tell you, that it is the Understanding that sets Man above the rest of sensible Beings, and gives him all the Advantage and Dominion which he has over them. And in another Place the same Author will tell you, that it is a wrong Connection of Ideas which is the great Cause of Errors: These are his Words, This wrong Connection in our Minds of Ideas, in themselves loose and independent one of another, has such an Influence, and is of so great Force to set us awry in our Actions, as well moral as natural Passions, Reasonings, and Notions themselves; that perhaps there is not any one Thing that deserves more to be looked after. This is the very Case with Master Tommy Sugar-Cane; a wrong Connection of Ideas have lead him into this Error, concerning his poor Negroe; he has connected the Ideas of Horse, Slave, and Negroe, so strongly together in his Mind, that it is not in his Power to separate them again. And I am credibly informed by those who understand it, that there is as much Pleasure in whipping a Negroe, as in driving a Phæton and Pair.

XXXIII

That Negroes are the Descendants of Cain, and that the Colour of their Skins is that Mark which was set upon Cain after killing Abel.

This is a very pretty ingenious Thought of some one, who was doubtless in love with his own Complexion. I have heard it affirmed by some with such Warmth, that it seemed in vain to reason with them about it.

Before we can have any Grounds for such an Affirmation, it will be necessary to prove that it is a Disgrace to have a dark Complexion; for, if it is no Disgrace to have a dark Complexion, then there can be no Badge or Mark of Infamy in being black; if it is a Disgrace to have a dark Complexion, then the Way of Reasoning must be this: The Irish and Scotch having fine Skins, are better than the English; the English and French, than the Italians and Spaniards; the Italians and Spaniards, than the Algerines; and so on, till we come to the Line. To me, this seems so absurd, that I must beg Leave to quit the Subject, till some one has convinced me, that a white Horse is better than a black one.

XXXIV

That Love is nothing but Concupiscence to a high Degree, or that Love and Lust are the same Thing.

Love is a Passion, which, though we read of it in the Classics, is but seldom experienced in these Northern Climates.

I never met with a North-countryman who would allow that there is any Difference between Love and Lust, and even in the Southern Parts of the Kingdom it is but slightly felt; what little we have of it in England, serves only to make Diversion for the Girls, one among another, and does not often produce any Thing of bad Consequence. But in Southern Climes the Effects of it are violent, as well as much more frequent. The desperate Actions which our Tragedies are full of, will appear more natural, if we consider what Country we are in during the Time of the Play.

In England, we should esteem a Person, who killed himself for the Love of one of inferior Birth and Fortune, but a very silly Fellow; whereas in Spain or in Italy, to fall upon a Sword for a beautiful Woman, is looked upon as a certain Indication of a great Soul, and as a Proof that the Heart of the Enamoured was possessed of a Sentiment unknown to the Minds of the Vulgar. Not to dwell upon the many Instances, which have happened both among the Ancients and Moderns, of People who have died for Love, I shall just make a little Enquiry into the Nature of that Disorder, for so it may be called, since it sometimes proves fatal.

That Affection which is called Love, seems to be a Fever, not only in the Mind, but an actual Fever, attended with the Symptoms of that Disorder; and differs from all others in this Particular, it is what no Physic can cure. The Symptoms of it are much like those of that Distemper, which the East-Indians sometimes die of, when they pine for their native Country.

If this is the Case, Love is so far from being another Term for Lust, that it rather opposes that Desire, which is generally the Concomitant of Health.

The Heart is capable of a Wound from this little mischievous Urchin, before Maturity arrives; for the Truth of which I appeal to every one who has Sensibility enough, to be capable of receiving the Impression of Love, whether he never found himself electrified by a fine Lady, when he was about the Age of thirteen.

To conclude: If I hear a Person very positive that Love and Lust are the same Thing, I take it for granted, that his Nerves are so coarse and callous, that nothing less than the Stroke of a Blacksmith's Hammer can possibly have any Effect upon him.

XXXV

That the Hedge-Hog is a mischievous Animal; and particularly, that he sucks Cows, when they are asleep in the Night, and causes their Teats to be sore.

The Antipathy which People have taken against this Animal, is chiefly owing to his Form. He is ugly and clumsy, and, not being able to run away, like most other Animals, is forced to have Recourse to his natural Armour, which, though it is merely defensive, is apt to disgust those, who cannot satisfy their Curiosity about him; as there is nothing to be seen but a round Ball of sharp-pointed Bristles, till he is put into Water, and then he is forced to open himself and swim.

By the bye, some Naturalists have affirmed, that he is like the Porcupine; but that, we can assure the Reader, is a Mistake. A Porcupine is as large as ten Hedge-Hogs; besides, there is not the least Resemblance in the Form of the Animals, or in their Manner of Defence. The Hedge-Hog, upon being discovered, lies quite still, and depends upon the Impenetrability of his Armour for Safety; whereas the Porcupine is tolerably swift, and is not able to conceal himself under his Quills, as they do not cover above half his Back. When he is pursued he makes a full Stop, and has the Power of drawing up the whole Body of his Quills, so as to dart them all together into any one who attacks him; and in all Probability he will leave one or two in your Legs, if you go too near him, and make him angry, which is very soon done. I once saw a Stick put to a Porcupine, and he broke two or three of his Quills against the Stick, though they are very hard and tough. Some say, that the Quills of a Porcupine are of a poisonous Nature. But, begging Pardon for this Digression about the Porcupine, we will return to the Error which was mentioned, concerning the Hedge-Hog.

It may be observed in the Works of Nature, that all Animals, of whatsoever Kind they are, whether they come under the Denomination of Birds, Quadrupeds, Reptiles, or Fishes, are provided with such Organs and Weapons as are convenient for the procuring of their Sustenance, as well as such as are formed for their Self-Defence.

The Lion roaring after his Prey, has Weapons proper for the vanquishing and devouring that Prey.

The Bull, whose principal Food is Grass, is provided with Armour round his Tongue and Nostrils, which is Proof against the Thistles and venomous Insects that make a Part of his coarse Diet.

The Monkey is possessed of Hands for selecting the eatable Parts of his Nuts and Fruit from the poisonous Rind.

The Hawk is furnished with long Wings for pursuing, keen Eyes for discerning, and sharp Talons for taking the granivorous Birds, which are his Prey; whilst they are provided with Beaks of a proper Shape for picking up the Corn, as well as Gizzards, or strong Muscles, which, by the Help of Gravel Stones, that are contained in them, grind the separate Grains of Corn, as they are discharged from the Crop, out of which they proceed gradually.

The numberless Instances of this Kind which might be brought, are too tedious to mention here; it will be sufficient to remark, that there is no such Monster to be found in the Creation, as an Animal with Weapons and Implements improper for the Acquisition of that Food which is to be the Support of its Life, or unfurnished with such a Means of Defence, as is most suitable to its Self-preservation.

The Hedge-Hog is a peculiar Instance of this: As he is rather slow of Foot, if he should happen to be surprized in his Travels, he can gather himself up into a Coat of Mail, which answers two Ends; as it is a Deceptio Visus, looking like a Clot covered with dried Grass; and as it consists of sharp Spikes upon a thick Skin, which serve both for a Sword and Target, either to secure him against the Tread of a Horse, or the Assaults of Dogs and Hawks. Then as his Habitation is in Hedges, he has a Mouth formed for the Reception of Hips, Haws, and Sloes, which are his Food; and which, doubtless, he hoards up in some little Repository, known only to himself. His Nose is formed to search for Roots near the Surface of the Earth, which must not be very large, otherwise he would be unable to manage them, as his Mouth is remarkably small, and does not seem capable of containing any Thing larger than a small Pea; for which Reason we may suppose it not only improbable and unnatural, that the Hedge-Hog should attempt to suck the Teats of a Cow, when she is asleep, as it does not seem formed by Nature for such an Operation; but we will endeavour to prove from Hydrostatics, that it would be impossible for him to acquire any Milk at all by such a Trial.

It is certainly true, that the Reason why a Vessel contains Water, or any other Fluid, within it's Sides, and hinders it from dispersing, is, because the Pressure of the Air at the Top of the Vessel keeps it down; and it is as true, that when the Vessel is turned up side down, the Liquor in it will still be kept in, by the same Pressure of the Air, notwithstanding the Force of Gravity, provided the Surface of the Water is not disturbed in turning the Vessel; which may be easily proved by the Experiment of a Drinking-Glass and a Piece of Paper. It is upon this Principle, that the Milk in the Dug of an Animal, is kept in it's proper Place, and does not fall to the Ground; though it must be acknowledged, that there may be some other Causes assigned likewise.

Now if a Vessel of Water is put into an Air Pump, as soon as the Air is extracted from the Receiver, in which the Vessel stands, the Water immediately ascends up out of the Vessel, and overflows the Brim, the Air, which was the Cause of it's being kept down, being removed.

This is the Case with an Animal which gives Suck. The Teat is close embraced round by the Mouth of the young one, so that no Air can pass between: A Vacuum is made, or the Air is exhausted from it's Throat, by a Power in the Lungs; nevertheless, the Pressure of the Air remains still upon the Outside of the Dug of the Mother, and by these two Causes together, the Milk is forced into the Mouth of the young one.

But a Hedge-Hog has no such Mouth, as to be able to contain the Teat of a Cow; therefore any Vacuum, which is caused in it's own Throat, cannot be communicated to the Milk in the Dug. And if he is able to procure no other Food, but what he can get by sucking Cows in the Night, there is likely to be a Vacuum in his Stomach too.

It may be objected here, that former Legislators have thought proper to allow a Reward to be given for killing this Animal, on Account of the Mischief he has been supposed to do. To which I answer, that former Legislators have thought proper to burn old Women, for being Witches, if they would not sink when they were put into a Pond; and I will venture to affirm, that there is just as much Sense in burning a Witch, as in setting a Reward upon a Hedge-Hog.

XXXVI

That a Person is the better or the worse for being of any particular Calling or Profession.

This Error shall be dressed in a Clerical Habit. But I fear those venerable Robes will share the same Fate here, which attends them in other Places; they will give a double Force to the Mistakes and Failings of the Wearer.

Luke XVIII. Verses the xth, xith, xiith, and xiiith. Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself; God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.

The Oriental Teachers thought proper to convey their Doctrines of Morality in Parable. Doubtless, the Method is plain and easy to be understood; elegantly shewing us the Truth, whilst we cannot help confessing that we discern it, and this without giving much Disgust by laying open the Foibles of any Party; it is capable of comprehending all the Figures of Poetry and Rhetoric, and these Figures are the least liable to be detected, whilst they are clothed in the Disguise of Parable, which must be allowed to be a great Advantage; Artis est celare artem holds good in this Case, as well as in others. And if one Person has an Inclination to bring another to his Way of Thinking, he must endeavour to be as plain and simple in his Manner as possible, for this Method alone carries with it the Appearance of Truth; whether we argue on the right Side of the Question, or on the wrong, this Method of Proceeding will hold good in some Measure; but especially, if we want to instil true Principles of sound Morality, it has a double Force. Our Blessed Saviour, doubtless, for this Reason thought proper to deliver his Doctrines of Morality in this convincing, self-evident Dialect; he saw plainly that the Cabalistical Stile of the Pharisees, was by no Means a Language proper to convey new and wholesome Precepts into the Minds of the Vulgar. No: He chose rather to make Use of this compact and intelligible Method of inculcating his Precepts, namely Parable. We have no greater Instance of his Skill, than this of the Pharisee and Publican.

In the Handling of this Subject, we shall consider the Human Species in different Lights; as a reasoning philosophizing Animal, who thinks he has a right to enquire into the Phœnomena of Nature, and to make Use of that Right, and of those Senses, which God has given him; and as a Person, who is forced to submit to the the superior Judgment of other Men, and takes Things for granted as he is told them. The first of these is what we generally understand when we say Men of Science, Men of Learning, Men of regular Education, and the like. These may be ranged into Variety of different Orders and Ranks, in regard to their different Professions, Studies, Turns of Genius, Amusements, Abilities, Applications, &c.

We may with Propriety reduce all these different Sentiments concerning Mankind, into two Branches; namely, Men of Business, and Men of Recreation or Pleasure.

Of those who come under the Denomination of Men of Business, each one is apt to think himself of that Order which is most respectable. For Instance, one who professes the Law, may know that Mankind is apt to tax him with Injustice and Dishonesty, but that, he comforts himself, is of no great Signification; for what amongst the Vulgar is stiled Dishonest, among People of Fashion, would be palliated by the agreeable Name of exquisite Address. And so he makes himself very easy about what vulgar Imputations may be laid to his Charge by the Mob, so long as he has the Gentry on his Side. And they too may tax him with Dishonesty if they please, but he makes no Doubt but he shall soon have some of them applying to him for Justice, as all Causes must go through the Hands of those of his Profession; and he does not see but Things are determined fairly enough in the End. In short, he concludes with thinking, that his Profession is as useful as any other, (and in that perhaps he may be right) and that it is profitable, and of great Importance, and therefore, that the Sons of the Robe may justly be said to be more honourable.

The Physician is of another Way of Thinking. He knows full well, that Health is of more Consequence than Riches, for (says he) what Pleasure can a Man have from a great Estate, if he has not Health to enjoy it? The Lawyer may out talk him perhaps, but he thinks he has saved more Lives, at a much cheaper Rate than the other has recovered Estates in Chancery. They may make light of his Art, but he is certain likewise, that they will all stand in Need of his Skill sometime or other; and therefore thinks, on Account of the Importance of his Profession, that the Sons of Galen are most honourable.

The Philosopher differs from them both. He thinks, that all that is wrote upon Parchment must treat of something very trifling, with Respect to what he is concerned in. It may be, says he, that this Parchment may contain some Conveyance of some small Tract of Land, belonging to some one private Person; but what is that? he has just been taking Measure of the whole Earth. He thinks that Physic may have Merit in it's Way; for a Man skilled in Physic may preserve the Life of an Animal who inhabits the Globe; but what is this to what he has been contriving of? He has been taking Care of the Health of the Universe; he has discovered a Comet, and has been calculating how near it will approach to the Earth's Orbit; he has been settling the Degrees of Heat it contains, at such and such Distances, and what Danger we should all be in, of being totally demolished, if it was to approach but a small Distance nearer; he has been finding out the Situation of the Polar Stars, that Navigators may sail in an unknown Sea without Danger; he has been fixing the exact Limit of the Trade Winds, where they may be certain of being blown Home again safe. He thinks these are Matters of a high Nature, much beyond any Thing else, and therefore, that his Profession is of the highest Importance. Three Professions have been mentioned, every one of which is apt to think his own Order of the greatest Consequence. We should find it exactly the same, if we were to take a Survey of the inferior Trades, and mechanical Men.