Talkers: With Illustrations

The fault of which the censorious talker is guilty has been defined as a “compound of many of the worst passions; latent pride, which discovers the mote in a brother’s eye, but hides the beam in our own; malignant envy, which, wounded at the noble talents and superior prosperity of others, transforms them into the objects and food of its malice, if possible obscuring the splendour it is too base to emulate; disguised hatred, which diffuses in its perpetual mutterings the irritable venom of the heart; servile duplicity, which fulsomely praises to the face, and blackens behind the back; shameless levity, which sacrifices the peace and reputation of the absent, merely to give barbarous stings to a jocular conversation: all together forming an aggregate the most desolating on earth, and nearest in character to the malice of hell.”

The censorious talker, with all his criticisms and censures, never does any good, as none heed him but those who do not know him. His criticisms have no influence with the wise and judicious. Though he may swim against the stream of general opinion, he can never turn the stream of general opinion to run with him. Though he may talk contrary to others, he cannot persuade or constrain others to talk as he does. He may dissent in judgment from them, but he cannot bring them over to coincide with him; and it is a good thing for society that it is so. As he talks without wisdom and charity, so he talks to no purpose, excepting to prejudice weak and unwary minds, and degrade himself in the sober judgment of the intelligent and thoughtful.

“Voltaire said that the ‘character of the Frenchman is made up of the tiger and the ape;’ but even such a composition may be turned to some useful account, while the inveterate fault-finder neutralizes, as far as possible, every attempt made by others to do good. To perform any task perfectly to his liking, would be as impossible as to ‘make a portrait of Proteus, or fix the figure of the fleeting air.’ To speak favourably of anybody or anything is a trait of generosity entirely foreign to his nature; from temperament and confirmed habit, he ‘must be cruel only to be kind.’ The only benefit he occasions is achieved contrary to his intent; in his efforts to impede rising merit, he fortifies the energies he would destroy. Said Haydon, ‘Look down upon genius, and he will rise to a giant – attempt to crush him, and he will soar to a god.’”

While the censorious man is most severe in judging others, he is invariably the most ready to repel any animadversions made upon himself; upon the principle well understood in medical circles, that the feeblest bodies are always the most sensitive. No man will so speedily and violently resent a supposed wrong as he who is most accustomed to inflict injuries upon his associates. Not unfrequently is a fool as dangerous to deal with as a knave, and for ever is he more incorrigible.

What an unhappy state of mind is that of the censorious talker! He is always looking with the eyes of jealousy, envy, or malice, to discern something for censure; and something he will discern; true or false, it is of no consequence to him. He proceeds in direct opposition to the Divine injunction, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” “Judge not according to appearance, but judge righteous judgment.” He is like the Pharisees of old, with two bags, one before and the other behind him. In the one before he deposits the faults of other people, and in the one behind he now and then, it may be, deposits the faults of himself. He is devoid of the charity which covereth a multitude of sins, which is the bond of perfectness, which “suffereth long, and is kind, which envieth not, vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, which doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; which beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” This charity has not so much as cast her passing shadow upon the soul of the censor; and did the shadow or body of charity come within the range of his vision, he would not discern either the one or the other, because of the blindness of his heart.

One of the finest expressions in the world is in the seventeenth chapter of Proverbs, “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.” In what a delightful communion with God does that man live who habitually seeketh love! With the same mantle thrown over him from the cross, with the same act of amnesty, by which he hopes to be saved, injuries the most unprovoked, and transgressions the most aggravated are covered in eternal forgetfulness.

On the contrary, the censorious man often separates intimate friends by repeating a matter and digging up forgotten quarrels. The charity which is most divine is that which hides a multitude of faults. It is pure in itself, and labours to promote the peace and happiness of all. If one would be noble, he must be habitual in the cultivation of lofty principle and generous love.

What advantage comes of the uncharitable criticisms and judgments which are passed one upon the other? Is any one the better? Do they not rather result in mutual ill-humour and enmity? Who likes to have his motives called in question? Who can endure with meekness to have himself and his works put through the crucible of a mere mortal, as though that mortal were the Judge of eternal destinies? Let us remember that we are all frail, and as such should exercise towards each other that charity which we hope the Supreme One will exercise towards us.

“Oh what are we,Frail creatures as we are, that we should sitIn judgment man on man? and what were we,If the All Merciful should mete to usWith the same rigorous measure wherewithalSinner to sinner metes.”

XXIV.

THE DOGMATIST

“I am Sir Oracle:And when I ope my lips let no dog bark.”Shakespeare.

This talker is one who sits in company as a king whose words are law; or as a god whose communications are divine; or as a judge whose decisions are unalterable. There is, however, this drawback to his supremacy – it is only in his own imagination. He is to himself an infallible oracle – infallible in all points of theory and practice on which he converses. He has surrounded himself with such fortifications of strength, that to attack him with a view to gain a surrender on any questions of dispute is like trying to break a rock with a bird’s feather, or taking Gibraltar with a merchant ship’s gun. He is invulnerable in everything. His words, like Jupiter’s bolts, come down upon you in such fury that your escape is as likely as that of a gnat thrown into a caldron of flaming oil. Hercules crushing an infant in his grasp is a difficult task compared to the ease with which this giant talker grasps and crushes his opponent. In every mode of hostility he meets you as Goliath met David – with lips of scorn and words of contempt – to presume to stand before him in contradiction. Your logic is weak; or you beg the question; or you see only one side; or you want order of thought, breadth of view, clearness of perception; or you have not studied philosophy, or psychology, or history, sufficiently to judge of the question; or you are wrong altogether: you must be so.

Thus his denunciations come down without mercy upon your poor soul; and alas for you if you have not enough of mental stamina, independence, and fortitude to stand up against them. If you are a lamb, you are torn to pieces as in the jaws of a lion; if you are trembling and diffident, you are overwhelmed as a dove in the claws of an eagle. He scathes with his lightning and awes with his thunder. He sweeps everything before him, and stands in the field as sole possessor. He is “Sir Ruler” of all opinion. He is “Lord Guide” of all thought; and to have a thought or an opinion of your own, contrary to his, is a presumption frowned upon with sternest ire.

Another trait in this talker is, he has nothing good to say of any one, or of anything that is of any one. He deals with others in the third person as he deals with you in the second person. “What do you think of so and so?” you ask: it may be of the highest personage in State or Church, in literature or politics.

“O, he is narrow, or he is selfish; or he is mean; or he is vain; or he is jealous; or he is little; or he is limited in his reading; or he is something else, which unfits him to be where he is or what he is.”

No one pleases him; nothing pleases him. Everybody is wrong; everything is wrong. If there is a dark spot in the bright sky, he is sure to see it; if a thorn on the rose, he is bound to run his hand in it; if a hole in the garment, his finger will instinctively find its way there, and make it larger.

I have met this talker in company more than once or twice; and I must say that my conversation with him has been anything but pleasant or satisfactory. I have thought every time that he has increased in his idiosyncracy, that he has become more and more dogged, self-willed, and obstinate. I have wished that he might see himself as others see him. But to this he has been as blind as an owl in mid-day. Where is the salve that would give him this power of vision? He see himself as others see him! Can the blind be made to see, or the deaf to hear? Then may this miracle be wrought. He sees no one in his mirror but himself, and himself in full perfection. Should he, perchance, at any time see another, it is in a manner that only enlarges the perception of his own personal excellences, and strengthens his consciousness of self-importance and self-satisfaction.

“Do you think, Mr. Jones, that Dr. Sharpe’s views of the natural immortality of the soul and the future condition of the wicked are tenable by reason and Scripture?” asked Mr. Manly.

“There is neither reason nor Scripture in them,” replied Mr. Jones, with dogmatic emphasis. “He is hemmed in by your ‘orthodoxy.’ He is narrow in his conceptions. He lacks breadth of thought. His logic is feeble. He is deficient in true exegesis of Scripture. He has not looked into nature to catch its unfettered inspirations. His arguments are as weak as an infant’s.”

“But are you not forgetting the scholarship of the Doctor, underrating his powers, and losing sight of the general favour with which his work is received?” asked Mr. Manly.

“Forgetting his scholarship!” replied Jones, with a dogmatic sneer; “how can I forget what he never had, and underrate powers which he never possessed? And as for the favour with which his book has been received, that is nothing to me. I think for myself: I speak for myself. I care nothing for the opinion of others. I say, and when I say I mean what I say, that there is no force in the Doctor’s arguments.”

“Yes, but, Mr. Jones, all that is mere dogmatism on your part, and no argument,” said Mr. Manly, calmly and firmly.

“You accuse me of dogmatism, do you?” roared Mr. Jones, “dogmatism indeed! Who are you, to be so bold? No argument, either! If I do not argue, who does? It is impudence on your part to say such a thing in my presence.”

Mr. Manly thought it wise to say no more about Dr. Sharpe’s book. After a brief pause Mr. Jones told a most marvellous account of two men in South Africa, to which Mr. Manly observed, —

“That is a strange story, and hard to believe, Mr. Jones.”

“It is so, whether you believe it or no: I know it is true, and it is so,” replied Mr. Jones, positively.

“But your ipse dixit does not make it true.”

“My ipse dixit, indeed! Have not I read it? Do not I know it? Be it true or false, I believe it; and I wonder at your impudence to call in question anything that I say,” said Jones, somewhat furiously.

“Do not excite yourself, Mr. Jones.”

“Excite myself! isn’t there enough to excite me? I said so, and that ought to have been enough without your contradiction.”

Mr. Manly said no more on that point, but after a while observed, —

“The principle you advanced, Mr. Jones, a short time since, on geology seems to be altogether gratuitous, and can only be received for what it is worth.”

“Gratuitous, indeed! Gratuitous! You affirm it to be gratuitous, do you? I should like to know what right you have to say it is gratuitous? Haven’t I said it is so? and do you mean to insult me by saying it is only gratuitous?” roared out Jones.

“I do not mean to insult at all; but I was not prepared to receive it, as it is antagonistic to the views of the most eminent geologists of the present day,” replied Mr. Manly, rather coolly.

“What is that to me? My views are my own. I have found them myself. I hold them sacred. I care not who they contradict. I believe they are right. I affirm them so to you, and you should not dispute them.”

It is thus the dogmatist stands upon his self-confidence and presumption, his fancied superiority of knowledge and learning. He virtually ignores everybody else’s right to think and to know. He flings denunciation at the man who dares contradict him. He is his own standard of wisdom, and erects himself as the standard for other people. “To the law and the testimony,” as they are embodied in him; and if there is not conformity to these, it is because there is no light in you.

Sometimes the dogmatist seems to rule supreme in the company of which he forms a part. But his rule is not acquired by the force of logic or the convincing power of truth. It is assumed or usurped. It may be that some are too modest to contradict him, or others may not have sufficient intelligence, or others may not think it worth their while, or others may have wisdom to perceive his folly, and answer him accordingly. Hence he may imagine himself triumphant when no one disputes the field with him. He may think he reigns supreme in the circle, when, in fact, he reigns only over his own opinions, or rather is a slave to their despotic power.

The dogmatist is far from having influence with the wise and intelligent. Among the timid and ignorant he may rule in undisputed power; but to men of reason and thought he is repulsive. He is kept at arm’s length as a piece of humanity whose “room is better than his person.” In these days of free thought and free speech, who will submit to be hectored out of his right to think, and to speak as he thinks, by one who has nothing but his own dictatorial self-conceit to show as his authority, perhaps backed with a pretentious influence coming from a subordinate official position that he holds in Church or State?

Even when the dogmatist possesses that amount of intelligence and position which legitimately place him above most of the company into which he may go, he is seldom or ever welcomed as an acceptable conversationalist. But when he is a man below mediocre – a pedant – he is insupportable.

Were it required to state what are the causes of the fault of this talker, they might be summed up in two words —ignorance and pride. The man who assumes to himself authority over other people’s thought and speech must indeed possess a large measure of these qualities. He must estimate his powers at the highest value, and set down those of others at the lowest. He is wise in his own conceit, and in others foolish. He occupies a position which has been usurped by the stretch of his self-importance, and from which he should be summarily deposed by the unanimous vote of pure wisdom and sound intelligence.

Cowper, in speaking of this talker, thus describes him: —

“Where men of judgment creep and feel their way,The positive pronounce without dismay;Their want of light and intellect suppliedBy sparks absurdity strikes out of pride.Without the means of knowing right from wrong,They always are decisive, clear, and strong;Where others toil with philosophic force,Their nimble nonsense takes a shorter course;Flings at your head conviction in the lump,And gains remote conclusions at a jump;Their own defect invisible to them,Seen in another, they at once condemn;And, though self-idolised in every case,Hate their own likeness in a brother’s face.The cause is plain, and not to be denied,The proud are always most provoked by pride;Few competitions but engender spite,And those the most where neither has a right.”

XXV.

THE ALTILOQUENT

“With words of learned length and thundering sound.”

Goldsmith.

This is a talker not content to speak in words plain and simple, such as common sense teaches and requires. He talks as though learning and greatness in conversation consisted in fine words run together as beads on a string. You would infer on hearing him that he had ransacked Johnson to find out the finest and loftiest words in which to express his ideas, so far as he has any. The regions in which ordinary mortals move are too mundane for him; so he rises aloft in flights of winged verbiage, causing those who listen below to wonder whither he is going, until he has passed away into the clouds, beyond their peering ken. At other times he speaks in such grandiloquence of terms as make his hearers open their eyes and mouths in vacant and manifold interjections! “How sublime! How grand! How surpassingly eloquent! Was it not magnificent?”

I will give the reader a few illustrations of this talker, as gathered from a variety of sources.

“That was a masterly performance,” said Mr. Balloon to his friend Mr. Gimblett, as they came out of church one Sunday morning, when the Rev. Mr. German had been preaching on the Relation of the Infinite to the Impossible.

“Yes,” replied Mr. Gimblett, “I suppose it was very fine; but much beyond my depth. I confess to being one of the sheep who looked up and were not fed.”

“That’s because you haven’t a metaphysical mind,” said Mr. Balloon, regarding his friend with pity; “you have got a certain faculty of mind, but I suspect you have not got the logical grasp requisite for the comprehension of such a sermon as that.”

“I am afraid I have not,” said Mr. Gimblett.

“I tell you what it is,” continued Mr. Balloon, “Mr. German has a head. He’s an intellectual giant, I hardly know whether he is greater as a subjective preacher, or in the luminous objectivity of his argumentum ad hominem. As an instructive reasoner, too, he is perfectly great. With what synthetical power he refuted the Homoiousian theory. I tell you Homoiousianism will be nowhere after that.”

“To tell the truth,” said Mr. Gimblett, “I went to sleep at that long word, and did not awake until he was on Theodicy.”

“Ah, yes,” said Mr. Balloon, “that was a splendid manifestation of ratiocinative word-painting. I was completely carried away when, in his magnificent, sublime, and marrowy style he took an analogical view of the anthropological.” But at this point Mr. Balloon soared away into the air, and left Mr. Gimblett standing with wondering vision as to whither he had gone.

At the time the Atlantic telegraph was first laid a certain preacher thought proper to use it as an illustration of the connection between heaven and earth, thus: “When the sulphuric acid of genuine attrition corrodes the contaminating zinc of innate degeneracy and actual sinfulness, and the fervent electrical force of prayerful eternity ascends up to the residence of the Eternal Supreme One, you may calculate on unfailing and immediate despatch with all magnetical rapidity.”

A certain American altiloquent was once talking of liberty, when he said, “White-robed liberty sits upon her rosy clouds above us; the Genius of our country, standing on her throne of mountains, bids her eagle standard-bearer wind his spiral course full in the sun’s proud eye; while the Genius of Christianity, surrounded by ten thousand cherubim and seraphim, moves the panorama of the milky clouds above us, and floats in immortal fragrance – the very aroma of Eden through all the atmosphere.”

An altiloquent was one day about taking a journey into the country. He was rather of a nervous tendency, having met with two or three accidents in travelling. Before getting into the hired conveyance he asked the driver, “Can you, my friend, conduct this quadruped along the highway without destroying the equilibrium of the vehicle?” The journey having been made without the “equilibrium of the vehicle” being destroyed, when he reached the inn where the horse was to lodge for the night, he said to the ostler, “Boy, extricate this quadruped from the vehicle, stabulate him, devote him an adequate supply of nutritious aliment, and when the aurora of morn shall again illumine the oriental horizon I will reward you with pecuniary compensation for your amiable hospitality.”

On a certain occasion one of this class of talkers was dining in a country farm-house, when, among other vegetables on the table, cabbage was one. After despatching the first supply, he was asked by the hostess if he would take a little more, when he said, “By no means, madam. Gastronomical satiety admonishes me that I have arrived at the ultimate of culinary deglutition consistent with the code of Esculapius.”

A photographer once, describing his mode of taking pictures, said, “Then we replace the slide in the shield, draw this out of the camera, and carry it back into the shadowy realm where Cocytus flows in black nitrate of silver, and Acheron stagnates in the pool of hyposulphite, and invisible ghosts, trooping down from the world of day, cross a Styx of dissolved sulphate of iron, and appear before Rhadamanthus of that lurid Hades.”

A certain doctor once, conversing about the romantic scenery of Westmoreland, said, “In that magnificent county you see an apotheosis of nature, and an apodeikneusis of the theopratic Omnipotence.”

Mr. Paxton Hood tells of a minister who described a tear “as that small particle of aqueous fluid, trickling from the visual organ over the lineaments of the countenance, betokening grief.” Of another, who spoke of “the deep intuitive glance of the soul, penetrating beyond the surface of the superficial phenomenal to the remote recesses of absolute entity or being; thus adumbrating its immortality on its precognitive perceptions.” Of another, an eminent man, head of a college for ministers, when repeating a well-known passage of Scripture, “‘He that believeth on Me, as the Scripture hath said, out of his’” – here he paused, and at last said, “Well, out of his ventriculum shall flow ‘living water!’”

One altiloquent rendered “Give us this day our daily bread” as follows: “Confer upon us during this mundane sphere’s axillary revolution our diurnal subsistence.” And another, instead of saying, “Jesus wept,” said, “And Jesus the Saviour of the world burst into a flood of tears;” upon hearing which Dr. Johnson is said to have exclaimed in disgust, “Puppy, puppy!”

A minister once, speaking in the presence of a few friends met for the purpose of promoting the interests of a certain Young Men’s Christian Association, relieved himself in the following: “When I think of this organization, with its complex powers, it reminds me of some stupendous mechanism which shall spin electric bands of stupendous thought and feeling, illuminating the vista of eternity with corruscations of brilliancy, and blending the mystic brow of eternal ages with a tiara of never-dying beauty, whilst for those who have trampled on the truth of Christ, it shall spin from its terrible form toils of eternal funeral bands, darker and darker, till sunk to the lowest abyss of destiny.”

A physician, while in his patient’s room, in speaking to the surgeon about him, said, “You must phlebotomize the old gentleman to-morrow.”

The old gentleman, who overheard, immediately exclaimed in a fright, “I will never suffer that.”

“Sir, don’t be alarmed,” replied the surgeon; “he is only giving orders for me to bleed you.”

“O, as for the bleeding,” answered the patient, “it matters little; but as for the other, I will sooner die than endure it.”

I have read of an Irishman who, speaking of a house which he had to let, said, “It is free from opacity, tenebrosity, fumidity, and injucundity, or translucency. In short, its diaphaneity, even in the crepuscle, makes it a pharos, and without laud, for its agglutination and amenity, it is a most delectable commorance; and whoever lives in it will find that the neighbours have none of the truculence and immanity, the torvity, the spinosity, the putidness, the pugnacity, nor the fugacity observable in other parts of the town. Their propinquity and consanguinity occasions jucundity and pudicity, from which and the redolence of the place they are remarkable for longevity.”