Desperately Seeking Heaven

‘Really?’ I said, completely taken aback by the pang of disappointment the news elicited within me.

‘Yep. Didn’t see that one coming. He’s our best salesman by a long chalk. I’m sorry to lose him, but he wasn’t going to be bought off. He’s leaving to start his own business, apparently. Landscape Gardening. At least he’s not going to one of our competitors. That would have really pissed me off.’

‘I’ll be sad to see him go,’ I admitted, trying to wrestle the idea of the super-smooth salesman I knew giving up the suave designer suits for his wellies and the outdoor life.

‘Me too,’ Simon said, as he turned to leave my office. ‘I’ll catch up with you at lunchtime if there’s anything important.’

I realised with a thud that I’d miss seeing Damon about the place. His smiling face popping around my office door always lifted my spirits; he was funny, delightfully indiscreet and yet always seemed genuinely pleased to see me, his cheeky banter never seeming intrusive only affectionate.

I hated change, any kind of change, and all of a sudden everything in my life seemed to be shifting like the earth’s plates creating imperceptible but far-reaching consequences.

Decisively, I clicked on my inbox, moving emails into folders, checking off tasks, my mind operating on autopilot. I glanced at my watch. It was two hours since I’d left Jimmy on his own and my attempts at not thinking about him were clearly failing. I’d been scared I might conjure him up in my office and I certainly didn’t need that kind of distraction, but with him constantly in my thoughts and the news of Damon’s departure rattling around in my head, it was almost impossible to concentrate on anything else.

What was Jimmy up to, I wondered, a lonely spirit navigating a hostile world.

I’d once signed up to an online dating agency so I had a small idea how that felt, but however much I tried to imagine myself in Jimmy’s shoes, I couldn’t. It was too awful even to contemplate. How must he be feeling with no one to talk to or confide in? I only hoped he wouldn’t do anything silly in my absence, but even that thought was ridiculous. He was hardly about to throw himself off a bridge or under a train. The worst had already happened.

Even so when I walked back through my front door that night, it was a huge relief to find that Jimmy was still there and to be greeted by the most delightful cooking smells wafting from the kitchen was an added bonus.

‘Ah, you’re home! Good day?’ Jimmy welcomed me from the kitchen doorway wearing black chinos, a tightly fitted white T-shirt, my pinny and a big grin. Simple but dazzlingly effective. He looked as if could have just wandered off a film set, the sight sending a ripple of excitement fizzing along the length of my body. His gaze appraised me and his mouth parted as if he were about to say something before he obviously thought better of it.

‘New clothes?’ I asked, dropping my gaze. Either that or he must have had an account with a Chinese laundry somewhere.

‘My old clothes,’ he said, matter-of-factly.

‘Really? What, did you go back for them or something?’

‘No. I got them sent over,’ he said casually, as if this was indeed the Heavenly Hilton. My brow furrowed in confusion as I looked for clarification. ‘I couldn’t stay in those old things, the whiff of diesel and cow pats wasn’t a great combination so I, um, willed them over,’ he added. ‘A new start and everything.’

‘You willed them over?’ I gave a nervous giggle. ‘How did you do that exactly?’

Jimmy laughed too, turning his attention back to the frying pan.

‘Well, I’m not sure about the technicalities but in the same way that I can transport myself from one place to another, I can do the same thing with projecting an alternative form of myself. This is my casual weekend look,’ he said with a wry grin. ‘Do you like it?’

‘I do,’ I said, sounding like a star-struck fan, but still struggling to get my head round what he was telling me. ‘So you don’t actually change your clothes at all. I’m just seeing what, a different version of you?’

‘You got it!’ he said, as though that was a perfectly reasonable explanation. If it wasn’t for the seriously impressive magic tricks then it would have been easy to forget that Jimmy was a ghost. He was such a vibrant, larger-than-life force occupying my flat and now my head and part of my heart too.

‘Something smells good.’ My nostrils picked out the aromas of garlic, tomatoes and onions. ‘You didn’t need to go to all this trouble.’

‘It’s the least I could do after everything you’ve done for me. It’s just pasta with a tomato sauce. I hope that’s OK?’

‘Sounds perfect,’ I said, accepting the glass of chilled white sparkling wine he was offering. Our glasses chinked, our eyes meeting as we took a sip together, the bubbles on my tongue matching my own fizzing excitement. ‘What about you? How was your day?’

‘Yeah, not bad. Although I missed you, Alice.’ His expression was deadly serious, but his eyes twinkled with mischievousness. ‘I did a bit of cleaning.’ He gestured around him at the gleaming surfaces. ‘I hope you don’t mind?’

‘No.’ I shook my head in amazement. ‘Anytime you get the urge, you go straight ahead.’ I laughed, feeling a pang of guilt that he’d had to resort to getting the duster out. I couldn’t see him sticking out this new role for long. Going from being a feted celebrity to my domestic lackey didn’t seem like the best career move in the world.

In my own flat, I felt redundant wondering what I should do next. I looked around at the uncharacteristically spotless living room and settled myself on the sofa, trying not to mess up the careful display of cushions. For some reason, I felt vaguely nervous as though I was waiting for a job interview.

‘Can I help at all?’ It was a half-hearted offer, but one that went a small way to making me feel better. I slipped off my shoes and kicked them under the coffee table, trying for relaxed.

‘No,’ he said, turning and giving me an indulgent smile. ‘It’s all under control. Just sit back and enjoy.’

‘So where did you learn to cook then?’ I asked a bit later, when we were sat at the table tucking eagerly into the tagliatelle. I hadn’t realised how hungry I was.

‘At uni. I had a few months living off pot noodles, and then decided, for the sake of my health, I needed to learn a few basic dishes that included some green stuff. Thinking about it, I needn’t have worried. Could have stuffed myself silly with burgers, fries and beers.’ He gave a wry shrug. ‘Funny how you spend a lot of time sparing yourself for the future when in a lot of cases there won’t be a future. Let that be a lesson to you, Alice.’ He pointed a friendly finger my way ‘Get out there and live your life to the full, young lady. And eat as many burgers and fries as you want to.’

I laughed, my insides squirming uncomfortably at the further reminder of Jimmy’s perilous condition.

‘Hmm, trouble is, knowing my luck, I’d do exactly that, put on sixteen stone, become an alcoholic bag lady and live to 105. Very old, very fat, drunk and lonely with no one to care for me.’

‘Now that is hard to imagine. But you know what I’m saying, don’t you?’ There was a sincerity in his voice which was hard to ignore. ‘Make the most of what you’ve got, your time here because it could all be over in an instant.’ He clicked his fingers in the air. ‘Work out what’s important to you and go for it.’

I twirled my pasta around my fork, absent-mindedly. That was easy for him to say but then I guessed he had the benefit of hindsight; he was looking at it from the other side. Literally. Like a lot of people, I had a vague idea of the things I wanted from life, but most of those I had pencilled in for some time in the future. But what if my future were to be cut short, like Jimmy’s? A feeling of unease tempered with impatience niggled along my veins.

‘Do it, Alice, before it’s too late,’ he said, as if reading my mind. ‘It’s all too easy to put things off, but my advice to you is to go out there and grab life with both hands. And it’s not things like your career and money that are important, you know that. It’s your friends and family.’ He paused. ‘Your relationships.’

I laughed, looking up into his eyes.

‘Oh dear, you’re beginning to sound like my mother. And my sister.’

‘Really? I’m in good company then. What is it they say exactly?’

‘That I should get our more. Start dating again. I think they’d like to see me settled with someone. It’s been a while since Mike.’

‘Mike?’

‘Yeah, he was my last serious relationship. We were together for about five years and everyone thought we would have the Happy Ending, but it wasn’t to be. We sort of fizzled out.’ I laughed without a smidgeon of self-consciousness. It was such a long time ago now it was almost like talking about another person. ‘That’s not strictly true. Not so much a fizzle as an explosion when I found out he was cheating on me with a couple of other girls. I haven’t really got back into the dating scene since.’

‘His loss, definitely,’ said Jimmy, looking at me intently from beneath long dark lashes. ‘There’ll be some good guy out there for you, Alice. Someone you can be happy with. You’re such a great girl, you deserve to be happy, but you need to get out there and find him. Take it from me, you don’t have as much time here as you might think.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I said with a pang of regret. It felt so easy to be talking with Jimmy, safe and reassuring as if I could tell him anything and he would never judge me in any way. Perhaps that was because I knew he wasn’t of this world. That we had something special and sacred that would only ever exist between the two of us. How many conversations did we have left, I wondered, before Jimmy would leave our strange twilight world forever?

‘That’s what they say, isn’t it? You don’t get to your deathbed wishing you spent more time in the office. Was there someone special in your life?’ I probed again. ‘Someone you wished you’d spent more time with.’

‘No, sadly not.’ Now it was Jimmy’s turn to look pensive. ‘I wish there had been. It was all up here,’ he tapped the side of his head. ‘My master plan for the future. I had it all mapped out; a mad passionate love affair with the woman who was to be my wife, a couple of kids, an apartment in town, the big house in the country, a golden retriever, guinea pig, the full works. Only I got stuck at first base. I didn’t get to meet the woman of my dreams.’

‘That’s so sad.’ Tears pricked at the back of my eyes, but I blinked them away. It was such a terrible waste. Jimmy would have made a wonderful husband and a fantastic father too, I didn’t doubt. And now it was too late for him.

‘Actually,’ he said, putting his fork and spoon down, ‘there was something I wanted to ask you.’

‘Of course. Just ask away,’ I said lightly, trying to ignore the growing sense of trepidation in my tummy.

‘I wondered if you’d come with me on Friday?’

‘Friday?’

‘Yes, to the funeral. I need to be there, obviously, but I don’t think I can face it alone. It would mean a lot to me if you came along.’

I hoped Jimmy hadn’t noticed my sharp intake of breath. It hadn’t occurred to me that he’d go to the funeral, well not in a wafting around capacity at least, and surely I’d be conspicuous, not knowing anyone else in the congregation.

‘It’s OK,’ he said, doing that weird thing of seemingly reading my mind again, ‘you can say you were a good friend of mine. There are a lot of friends my family hadn’t got to meet. Please, Alice?’

‘Of course, I’ll come,’ I said, feeling honoured to be asked. ‘I’ll book the day off work tomorrow. It should be fine.’

‘Thanks.’ Jimmy smiled, looking relieved and reached across the table, his hand finding mine. My fingers sizzled, my whole body warming from the intimacy of his touch.

Something stirred deep inside me as my eyes locked with Jimmy’s. I was the only one he had now, the only person in this world who could help him and I wanted to ensure I did everything in my power to do exactly that.

Booking the day off work wasn’t difficult. I rarely took time off so Simon was more than happy to accommodate my request especially when I told him it was to attend a funeral.

‘I’m sorry to hear that, Alice. It wasn’t anybody close, was it?’ He’d looked up from his papers, a genuine concern etched across his brow.

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