English Jests and Anecdotes

EVERY THING SHOULD STAND ON ITS OWN BOTTOM

A sailor passing by a cooper’s shop, and seeing a number of tubs piled above each other at the door, began to kick and tumble them about the street. The master coming out, and desiring to know the reason of this strange proceeding, “D – n it,” replied Jack, “why should not every tub stand upon its own bottom?”

A FAMILY PIECE

Mr. Fox having applied to a shopkeeper in Westminster for his vote and interest, the man produced a halter, with which he said he was ready to oblige him. The orator immediately replied, “I return you thanks, my friend, for your very polite offer; but I should be sorry to deprive you of so valuable a family piece.”

RETRACTATION

Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one of them said, “There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw.” She hearing, turned round, and observing him to be very ugly, answered, “I wish, sir, I could, in return, say as much of you.” “So you may, madam,” said he, “and lie as I did.”

THE GOOD OLD “LAPSUS LINGUÆ.”

A gentleman’s servant bringing into the dining-room, where the company were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, tripped as he entered the door, and spread the tongue and sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with much presence of mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests as well as of the servant by saying, with great good humour, “There’s no harm done, gentlemen, ’tis merely a lapsus linguæ.” This fortunate play of words excited much merriment. A very sagacious gentleman, struck with the happy effect of the above accident, was determined to make a similar exhibition. He invited a large party, and when they were all assembled, he had directed his servant to let fall a piece of roast beef on the floor: the servant obeyed his injunctions; but the company felt hurt at the accident. “Be not uneasy, my friends,” cried the would-be witty landlord, “’tis only a lapsus linguæ.”

WIT IN TECHNICALS

A clergyman preaching in the neighbourhood of Wapping, and observing that most of his audience were in the sea-faring way, very properly embellished his discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other things, he advised them to be ever “on the watch, so that on whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, he might be crippled in the action.” “Ay, master,” cried a jolly son of Neptune, “but let me tell you, that will depend on your having the weather-gauge of him.”

THE FAST-DAY

A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in the West of England, in order to encourage his work people in a due attendance at church on a Fast-day, told them, that if they went to church they would receive their wages for that day, in the same manner as if they had been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to acquaint their employer, that “if he would pay them for over hours, they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in the evening!”

A FRIEND IN NEED

A scholar declaiming in the college-hall, and having a bad memory, was at a stand, when, in a low voice, he desired one who stood close by him to help him out. “No,” says the other, “methinks you are out enough already.”

TILLOTSON

It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson, when King William III. complained of the shortness of his sermon, “Sire,” said the archbishop, “could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long.”

NATIONALITY

Frederick of Prussia, at a review of his tall grenadiers, asked Sir Robert Sutton, the British ambassador, if he could say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them. “No, sir,” answered Sir Robert, “I won’t pretend to say that; but I believe half the number would try!”

SOOT AND RELIGION

A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat. “So, John,” said the doctor, “whence come you?” “From your house, sir, where this morning I swept all your chimneys.” “How many were there?” said the doctor. “No less than twenty,” quoth John. “Well, and how much a-chimney have you!” “Only a shilling a-piece, sir.” “Why then,” quoth the doctor, “you have earned a great deal of money in a little time.” “Yes, yes,” says John, throwing his bag over his shoulder, “we black coats get our money easy enough.”

ANECDOTE OF GEORGE II

When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to George II. as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of the office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? “With the devil’s!” replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. “And shall the instrument,” said the earl, coolly, “run as usual, ‘our trusty well-beloved cousin and counsellor?’” – a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

LATIN FOR COLD

A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, in a cold winter morning, what was Latin for cold. The boy hesitating a little, the master said, “What, sirrah, can’t you tell?” “Yes, sir,” said the boy, “I have it at my finger ends.”

WIT IN A HOBNAIL

A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat. The parson asked in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? “The same people,” said the shepherd, “that clothe you – the parish.” The parson, nettled a little, rode on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him? for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s message, concluding, that his master really wanted a fool. “Are you going away, then?” said the shepherd. “No,” answered the other. “Then you may tell your master,” replied the shepherd, “his living won’t maintain three of us.”

YORKSHIRE

Two Oxford scholars, meeting on the road with a Yorkshire hostler, fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. “Well,” said the hostler, “and I can prove your saddle to be a mule.” “A mule!” cried one of them, “how can that be?” “Because,” said the hostler, “it is something between a horse and an ass.”

WIT IN AN EXECUTIONER

A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going, “I will trouble you with a line,” replied the finisher of the law, placing the cord under his left ear.

EARLY RISING

A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man being up betimes found a purse of gold. “It might be so,” replied the son, “but he that lost it was up before him.”

THE BENEVOLENT WIDOW

There was a very benevolent widow living in Plymouth, in respectable circumstances, who frequently came to the theatre, and was kind enough to inquire into the private situations of various members of the company. Among others, she asked about Prigmore, and was told that he had but a small salary, and made a very poor appearance. Hearing this, she remembered that she had a pair of her late husband’s indispensables in the house, which she resolved to offer him. A servant was, accordingly, despatched to the object of her charity, who, meeting one of the actors, and partly disclosing her business, he went in search of Prigmore, and finding him, exclaimed, “Prigmore, my boy, here’s your fortune made at last; here’s a rich widow in the town has fallen in love with you, and wants to see you.” Prigmore, not suspecting his roguery, was led to the servant, in a state of bewildered rapture, and by the latter was informed that the widow would be glad to see him any morning it was convenient. He appointed the following, and went home to his lodgings to indulge in a day-dream of golden independence. His friend, in the meantime, whispered the truth through the green-room, where there were two or three others wicked enough to join in the conspiracy, by walking to Prigmore’s house to tender their congratulations. Prigmore, as will be supposed, passed a sleepless night, and spent an extra hour at his toilet the next morning, in adorning himself with a clean chin and neckcloth. He then sallied forth, and, on reaching the widow’s was shown into her parlour, where, casting his eyes around on the substantial sufficiency of its furniture, he began to felicitate himself on the aspect of his future home. The lady at length appeared: she was upon the verge of forty – a very fashionable age at that time, which resting upon the shoulders of a very comely-looking woman, seemed to be in character with her very comfortable dwelling. Prigmore’s satisfaction and her benevolence operated equally in producing some confusion: at length a conversation commenced. She acquainted him that she had heard his situation was not so agreeable as he could wish – that his income was a confined one; she was, therefore, desirous to do him all the service that lay in her power. Prigmore, considering this an express declaration of her affection, was about to throw himself at her feet, when she suddenly summoned the servant, and exclaimed, “Rachel, bring the breeches?” These words astounded him, and he stared in her face like a block of marble; the widow, as suspicionless as himself of the hoax, could not interpret his wonder; but, on receiving the habiliments, folded them carefully up, and remarking that they were as good as new (her husband having caught his fatal cold in them the first time he put them on), begged Prigmore’s acceptance of the same. “And was it for this you wanted me, madam?” exclaimed Prigmore, rising from his chair; his tone and countenance bespeaking a mixture of surprise and disappointment. “Yes, sir.” He put on his hat, and walked to the door in silent indignation. The good woman, as much astonished as himself, followed him and said, “Won’t you take the breeches, sir?” “No, madam,” he replied, pausing at the door to make some bitter remark; “Wear them yourself!” For the remainder of the season, his life was far from being enviable.7

CANDOUR

Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down with him. “I really know not,” said the parson, “how to refuse your lordship; yet, if the young gentleman preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, I don’t think he is fit to preach at all.”

REWARD OF POLYGAMY

A man having been accused of marrying five wives, was committed to prison; and being asked by the judge on his trial, how he came to take so many wives, he replied, “In order, if possible, to find one good one, and then stick to her.” “Oh! oh!” said the judge, “as you cannot find a good wife in this world, you may probably succeed better in the next; so get you gone thither;” and immediately signed the warrant for his execution.

COATS AND ARMS

A gentleman having called a ticket porter to carry a message, asked his name; he said it was Russel. “And pray,” said the gentleman, jocularly, “is your coat of arms the same as the Duke of Bedford’s?” “As to our arms, your honour,” says the porter, “I believe they are much alike; but there is a great difference between our coats.”

LORD HOWE

When Lord Howe was captain of the Magnanime, a negro sailor on board was ordered to be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the ship’s company assembled to see the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made a long address to the culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue and of having his back exposed to the cold, exclaimed, “Massa, if you floggee, floggee; or, if you preachee, preachee; but no preachee and floggee too.”

DR. EGERTON

Dr. Egerton, bishop of Durham, on coming to that see, employed a person of the name of Due as his agent to find out the true value of the estates held by lease under him, and, in consequence of Due’s report, greatly raised both the fines and rents of the tenants; on which the following toast was frequently drunk in the bishopric: – “May the Lord take the Bishop, and the Devil have his Due!”

RIGHT CONJECTURE

A buck parson going to read prayers at a village in the west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the surplice. “D – n this surplice!” said he to the clerk, “I think the devil is in it.” Amen, astonished, waited till the parson had got it on, and then answered, “I thinks as how he is, zur.”

WALKING BY FAITH

A person saying that he would not believe there was any devil, because he had never seen him, was answered by another, “By the same rule, I should believe you to have neither wit nor sense.”

ELWES THE MISER

The eldest son of Elwes, the celebrated miser, having fallen down with a ladder, when pulling some grapes, had the precaution to go into the village to the barber and get blooded. On his return he was asked where he had been, and what was the matter with his arm? He told his father what had happened, and that he had got bled. “Bled!” said the old gentleman; “but what did you give?” “A shilling,” answered the boy. “Psha!” returned the father, “you are a blockhead; never part with your blood.”

Elwes had two country seats, the one in Suffolk, and the other in Berkshire; of these he gave the preference to the former, because his journey from town thither cost him only twopence-halfpenny; that into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. At this time he was worth eight hundred thousand pounds.

CAUSE AND EFFECT

Two gentleman happening to meet, the one observed, “So our friend – , the attorney, is dead.” “Yes, and I hear he left very few effects.” “It could not be otherwise: he had very few causes.”

NOT A BAD HIT

A gentleman expatiated on the justice and propriety of an hereditary nobility. “Is it not right,” said he, “in order to hand down to posterity the virtues of those men who have been eminent for their services to the country, that their posterity should enjoy the honours conferred on them as a reward for such services?” “By the same rule,” said a lady, “if a man is hanged for his misdeeds, all his posterity should be hanged too.”

CUTTING BOTH WAYS

Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, “I’ll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable.” Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, “Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service the one way or the other.”

DUKE OF NEWCASTLE

A poor fellow having with difficulty procured an audience of the premier Duke of Newcastle, told his grace he came only to solicit him for somewhat towards a support, and as they were of the same family, being both descended from Adam, hoped he should not be refused. “Surely not,” said the duke; “surely not; there’s a penny for you; and if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you’ll be a richer man than I am.”

A DISCONSOLATE HOUSE

A man being asked by his neighbour, how his wife did? made this answer: “Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful; my wife fears she shall die, and I fear she will not die, which makes a most disconsolate house.”

EXPOSITION OF SCRIPTURE

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by “He was clothed with curses as with a garment.” “My good friend,” said the minister, “it means that he had got a habit of swearing.”

NEW OPPOSITIONIST

A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by his barking interrupted Lord North, who happened to be opening one of his budgets. His lordship pleasantly inquired by what new oppositionist he was attacked? A wag replied, “It was a member for Bark-shire.”

FOX AND SHERIDAN

Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of shewing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. “There, Mr. Sheridan,” said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in one, “I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes.” “Did you,” said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; “well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush.”

NERVES

A dowager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty-fifth year, was living at Buxton, at a time when it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into “a shock of the nervous system.” Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the room, what brought them there? and being generally answered, “for a nervous complaint,” was asked in her turn, what brought her to Buxton! “I came only for pleasure,” answered the hale old lady, “for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion.”

SUBSTANCE AND SHADOW

A fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a long face, that he had seen a ghost. “When and where?” said the pastor. “Last night,” replied the man, “I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I behold the spectre.” “In what shape did it appear?” replied the priest. “It appeared in the shape of a great ass.” “Go home, and hold your tongue about it,” rejoined the pastor, “you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.”

PROFESSIONAL ENTHUSIASM

Brindley, an engineer, carried his attachment to artificial navigations so far, that when examined before the House of Commons he spoke of rivers with most sovereign contempt. One of the members asked him for what purpose he apprehended rivers to have been created? To this, after a moment’s pause, he replied, “To feed navigable canals.”

SYCOPHANCY CARICATURED

At a time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet her Majesty and usher her into the city with due formality. On their return, the weather being very hot, as they passed through a wide brook, Mr. Mayor’s horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him, which her Majesty observing called out to him, “Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor! let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor;” but the magistrate, veiling his bonnet, and bowing very low, modestly answered, “Nay, nay, may it please your Majesty’s horse to drink first!”

A LACONIC LETTER FROM A CLERGYMAN TO HIS CURATE

“I do not like your terms; my wife is very ill; and please God she but die, I’ll do the duty myself.”

A NEW TRANSLATION

A country squire asked his son, who had been at a Latin school, what was the meaning of the words nemini secundus? “Why, father,” said he, “that is a man who was never second to anyone in a duel.”

A TRAVELLER’S BULL

A modern traveller, in a late publication, states that the women of Sunda, near Fez, are the best horsemen in the world.

THE BLIND AND THE BLIND

A gentleman disputing about religion in Button’s coffee-house, some of the company said, “You talk of religion, I’ll hold you five guineas you can’t repeat the Lord’s Prayer; Sir Richard Steel here shall hold the stakes.” The money being deposited, the gentleman began, “I believe in God,” and so went through his Creed, “Well!” said the other, “I own I have lost; but did not think you could have done it.”

SYMPATHY

The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; the next moment a young curate called out, “Lie still, your grace!” leapt over him, and pursued his sport. Such an apparent want of feeling, we might presume, was properly resented – not so. On being assisted to remount, the duke said “That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of me I never would have patronised him.” Being delighted with an ardour similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter.

BEN JOHNSON

Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous to see Ben Johnson; which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord’s house; but being in a very shabby condition, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion for it. Ben, who stood in need of no one to speak for him, said, “He understood that his lordship desired to see him.” “You, friend!” said my lord, “who are you?” “Ben Johnson,” replied the other, “No, no,” quoth his lordship, “you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the Silent Woman; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose.” “Boo!” cried Ben. “Very well,” said my lord, who was more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront; “I am now convinced you are Ben Johnson.”

MRS. MONTAGUE AND CHARLES FOX

Mrs. Montague was one day conversing with Mr. Fox in her own house. In the course of the conversation the lady grew warm; at last she was so much nettled by some remark of Mr. Fox’s, that she declared to him she did not care three skips of a louse for him. Mr. Fox turned aside, and in a few moments produced the following impromptu:

“Says Montague to me, and in her own house,I do not care for you three skips of a louse,I forgive it; for woman, however well bred,Will still talk of that which runs most in their head!”THE QUACK DOCTOR

A quack doctor, in one of his bills, said he could bring living witnesses to prove the efficacy of his nostrum, “which is more,” says he “than others in my line can do.”

CHARMING CONDESCENSION

On one occasion when John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, “Will you play upon this pipe?” “My lord, I cannot.” “I do beseech you?” “Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can;” and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played God save the king.

MATRIMONY

Bishop Andrews, the favourite preacher of King James the First, in his sermon on matrimony, says that ten woman are driven to the altar for one that is led to it.

THE MISER

An old miser, who had a footman that had a good appetite, and ate fast, but was slow when sent on a message, used to wish that his servant would eat with his feet and walk with his teeth.

A WINDOW IN THE BELLY

“I wish,” said Rigby to Charles Fox, “that you would stand out of my light, or that you had a window in that great belly of yours.” “What,” said Charles, “that you might lay an additional tax upon it, I suppose.”

INGENIOUS REASON

The Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen vessels, glazed and painted within and without, with dainty devices. A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel painted at the bottom on the inside, found that a neighbour who very frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality, had the first draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of the party. This our farmer three or four times remonstrated against as unfair; but was always answered, – “Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur con see its face.” The farmer, on this, set aside his angel cup, and, at the the next Shrewsbury fair, bought one with a figure of the devil painted at bottom. This being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, – “No, but hur cannot bear to leave that ugly devil a drop.”

A DIRTY WITNESS

A German gentleman, in the course of a strict cross-examination on a trial during the Oxford Circuit, was asked to state the exact age of the defendant. “Dirty” (thirty), was the reply. “And pray, sir, are you his senior, and how many years?” “Why, sir, I am dirty-two.”

EPIGRAMYour comedy I’ve read, my friend,And like the half you pilfer’d best;But sure the drama you might mend —Take courage, man! and steal the rest.RELIEF BY PERSPIRATION

A candidate at Surgeons’ Hall, after a variety of questions, was thus interrogated: – “In such a case, sir, how would you act?” “Well, sir, if that did not operate?” “But if that did not produce the desired effect of causing perspiration?” “Why, gentlemen,” said the worried student, “if all these should fail, I would direct the patient to be brought here for examination!”