English Jests and Anecdotes

DUCHESS OF MARLBOROUGH

The proud Duke of Somerset, a little time before his death, paid a visit to Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, who insisted on his drinking with her a glass of tokay, which had been presented to her husband by the emperor. He assented, and she addressed him as follows: – “My lord, I consider your grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very high honour, and I will beg leave to propose two healths, the most unpopular imaginable, and which nobody in the three kingdoms except ourselves would drink: Here is your health and mine.”

LONG PAUSE

A great teller of stories was in the midst of one of them, at his evening club, when notice was brought him that a ship, in which he was going to the West Indies, was on the point of sailing; he was therefore obliged to break off abruptly. But on his return from Jamaica some years afterwards, he repaired to the club, and, taking possession of his old seat by the fireside, he resumed his tale: “Gentlemen, as I was saying” —

GENERAL WOLFE

General Wolfe, happening to overhear a young officer talk of him in a very familiar manner, as, “Wolfe and I drank a bottle of wine together,” and so on, appeared, and said, “I think you might say General Wolfe.” “No,” replied the subaltern, with a happy presence of mind, “did you ever hear of General Achilles, or General Julius Cæsar.”

AMENDMENT AMENDED

A member of parliament making a motion to bring in a bill for repairing a very bad road in a particular county, another member stood up and said, “It would be more economical to pass an act for making it navigable.”

MUTATIS MUTANDIS

Whitfield once preached at a chapel in New England, where a collection was to be made after the sermon. A British seaman, who had strolled into the meeting, observed some persons take plates, and place themselves at the door; upon which, he laid hold of one, and taking his station, received a considerable sum from the congregation as they departed, which he very deliberately put into the pocket of his tarry trousers. This being told to Whitfield, he applied to the sailor for the money, saying it was collected for charitable uses, and must be given to him. “Avast there,” said Jack, “it was given to me, and I shall keep it.” “You will be d – d,” said the parson, “if you don’t return it.” “I’ll be d – d if I do,” replied Jack, and sheered off with his prize.

REAL DANGER

A physician being sent for by a maker of universal specifics, grand salutariums, &c., expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. “Not so trifling neither,” replied the quack; “for, to tell you the truth, I have, by a mistake, taken some of my own pills.”

PROMISING CANDIDATE

Some years ago a candidate for a Welsh burgh told his constituents, that if they would elect him he should take care they should have any kind of weather they liked best. This was a tempting offer, and they could not resist choosing a man, who, to use their own language, “was more of a Cot Almighty than Sir Watkin himself.” Soon after the election, one of his constituents waited upon him, and requested some rain. “Well, my good friend, and what do you want with rain? won’t it spoil your hay?” “Why, it will be very serviceable to the wheat, and as to my hay, I have just got it in.” “But has your neighbour got his in? I should suppose rain would do him some mischief.” “Why, ay,” replied the votary, “rain would do him harm indeed.” “Ay, now you see how it is, my dear friend! I have promised to get you any kind of weather you like; but if I give you rain, I must disoblige him: so your best way will be, I think, to meet together all of you, and agree on the weather that will be best for you all, – and you may depend upon having it.”

PROFESSIONAL BLINDNESS

Sir Joshua Reynolds studied originally under Hudson, an English portrait painter, who bestowed very liberally on his customers fair tie wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin waistcoats. He afterwards went to Italy, where he studied three years. On his return, he hired a large house in Newport Street, and the first specimen he gave of his abilities was a boy’s head in a turban, richly painted in the style of Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson’s attention, that he called every day to see it in its progress, and perceiving, at last, no trace of his own manner left, he exclaimed, “Really, Reynolds, you don’t paint so well as when you left England.”

COUNSELLOR DUNNING

Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the identity of the defendant. “Was he a tall man?” says he. “Not very tall; much about the size of your honour.” “Was he well-looked?” “Not very; much like your honour.” “Did he squint?” “A little; but not so much as your honour.”

GEORGE I

King George I. was remarkably fond of seeing the play of Henry VIII., which had something in it that peculiarly hit the taste of that monarch. One night being very attentive to that part of the play where the King commands Wolsely to write circular letters of indemnity into every part of the country, where the payment of certain taxes had been disputed, and remarking the manner in which the minister artfully communicated these commands to his secretary Cromwell, whispering thus: —

“Let there be letters writ to every shireOf the king’s grace and pardon: the grieved CommonsHardly conceive of me. Let it be noised,That through our intercession this revokementAnd pardon comes – ”

The king could not help smiling at the craft of the minister, in filching from his master the merit of the good action, though he himself had been the author of the evil complained of; and, turning to the Prince of Wales (afterwards George II.), he said, “You see, George, a minister will be a minister in every age and in every reign.”

RICHARD CROMWELL

When, in 1650, Richard Cromwell succeeded his father Oliver in the protectorship, he received addresses from all parties in the kingdom, filled with the most extravagant professions of standing by him with their lives and fortunes, at the very moment that they were plotting his destruction. Richard was not quite so blind to all this as the world imagined; for after seven months’ mock government, as he was giving orders for the removal of his own furniture from Whitehall, he observed with what little ceremony they treated an old trunk, and begged of them to move it more carefully, “Because,” added he, “it contains the lives and fortunes of all the good people of England.”

DR. SOUTH

Dr. South begins a sermon on this text, “The wages of sin is death,” as follows: – “Poor wages indeed, that a man can’t live by.”

SEVERE RETORT

Soon after Lord Sidney’s elevation to the peerage, he happened to observe in company, that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. “That,” said a gentleman present, “is an error from which even kings appear not to be exempt.”

A LONG-EARED ANIMAL versus A SHORT

A cockney having had his horse cropt, was asked the reason; he answered, “Why, my friend, this here horse had a knack at being frightened, and on the least occasion would prick up his ears, and look for all the world as if he had seen the devil; and therefore, to prevent the like in future, I cropt him.”

ECCENTRIC RECOMMENDATION

Swift once gave a gentleman of very good character and fortune a letter of recommendation to Pope, couched in the following terms: – “Dear Pope, Though the little fellow that brings this be a justice of peace and a member of our Irish House of Commons, yet he may not be altogether unworthy of your acquaintance.”

HOLIDAY

A gentleman seeing the town-crier of Bristol one market-day standing unemployed, asked him the reason. “O,” replied he, “I can’t cry to-day, my wife is dead.”

ECONOMY

An economical peeress spoke to her butler to be saving of an excellent run of small-beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. “The best method I know,” replied the butler, “is to place a barrel of good ale by it.”

THE BLOOD OF CROMWELL

A grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, who was remarkable for her vivacity and humour, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman, who had taken great offence at some sarcastic remarks she had made, rudely said, to insult her, “I think, madam, you would hardly give yourself so many airs, had you recollected that your grandfather was hanged.” To which she instantly replied, “Yes, sir; but please to recollect, he was not hanged till after he was dead.”

CHARLES II. AND ROCHESTER

King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl very near the jack, cried out, “My soul to a horse hair, nobody beats that.” “Lay odds,” says Rochester, “and I’ll take you.”

DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY

A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for payment of his bill, the latter said, “You need not be in so great a hurry, I am not going to run away.” “I do not imagine you are, sir,” returned the tradesman, “but I am.”

JAMES II. AND WALLER

King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, the poet, sent for him one afternoon, and took him into his closet, where was a very fine picture of the Princess of Orange. The King asked him his opinion of the picture, on which Waller said, he thought it extremely like the greatest woman that ever lived in the world. “Whom do you call so?” said the king. “Queen Elizabeth,” replied the other. “I wonder, Mr. Waller,” said the king, “that you should think so; for she owed all her greatness to her council, and that indeed, it must be admitted, was a wise one.” “And pray, sir,” said Waller, “did your majesty ever know a fool choose a wise council?”

DR. JOHNSON

When Dr. Johnson visited the University of St. Andrews, he took occasion to inquire of one of the professors into the state of their funds, and being told that they were not so affluent as many of their neighbours, “No matter,” said the doctor drily; “persevere in the plan you have formed, and you will get rich by degrees.”

MARCH OF POLITENESS

Complaisance is no longer confined to the polite circles. A captain of a vessel was lately called out of a coffeehouse at Wapping by a waterman, with the following address: “An’t please your honour, the tide is waiting for you.”

HACKNEY COACHMAN

A hackney coachman, after putting up his horses in the evening, took out the money he had received during the day, in order to make a division between his master and himself. “There,” says he, “is one shilling for master, and one for me;” and so on alternately till an odd shilling remained. Here he hesitated between conscience and self-interest, when the master, who happened to be a concealed spectator, said, “I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd shilling, as I keep the horses.”

NO REASON TO REMOVE

A gentleman dined one day with a dull preacher. Dinner was scarcely over before the gentleman fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine, and invited to go and hear him preach. “I beseech you, sir,” said he, “to excuse me; I can sleep very well where I am.”

EXCLUSIVE PLUMBER

Holroyd, king’s plumber, stood in the pit of the theatre at the time that Hatfield fired at King George III., and it was reported that by his lifting up the assassin’s arm at the moment he was firing, the pistol was raised so that the ball went higher than the box his majesty was seated in. Some one observed that “This was a very loyal thing in the plumber.” “Why, yes,” replied a gentlemen present, “it looks like it; but the motive might possibly be selfish; it perhaps arose from Holroyd not choosing that anyone should serve the king with lead except himself.”

CHARLES II

As James II. when Duke of York, returned one morning from hunting, he found his brother Charles in Hyde Park without any attendants, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise at his majesty’s venturing alone in so public a place at so dangerous a period. “James,” replied the monarch, “take care of yourself, and I am safe. No man in England will kill me to make you king.”

REFORMATION

A gentleman remarking that this age was infinitely more dissipated and licentious than that which preceded it, an old officer took upon himself the task of defending it. “Sir,” says he, “I grant that we get drunk as completely as our fathers; but this I will say, that I have not seen a wig burnt these forty years.”

INVISIBLE AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE

A preacher, whose sermons were beyond human understanding, was wont on Saturday to keep unseen by any one, in order to compose his sublime discourses for next day; on which a wit observed, that the doctor was invisible on Saturday in order that he might be incomprehensible on Sunday.

ERSKINE AND JEKYLL

Mr. Erskine one morning complained to Mr. Jekyll of a pain in his bowels. “I could recommend one remedy,” said the latter; “but I am afraid you will not find it easy to get at it.” “What is it?” eagerly rejoined Mr. Erskine. “Get made Attorney-General, and then you will have no bowels at all.”

GOOD REASON

A certain secretary of state, being asked by an intimate friend, why he did not promote merit, aptly replied, “Because merit did not promote me.”

FOOTE

Foote, having been invited to dine with the Duke of Leinster, at Dublin, gave the following account of his entertainment: – “As to the splendour, so far as it went, I admit it, there was a very fine sideboard of plate; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith’s shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough: to sum up all, every thing was cold, except his ice; every thing sour, except his vinegar.”

PATIENCE

A quaker, driving in a single-horse chaise up a green lane that leads from Newington Green to Hornsey, happened to meet with a young blood, who was also in a single-horse chaise. There was not room enough for them to pass each other, unless one of them would back his carriage, which they both refused. “I’ll not make way for you,” says the blood; “damn my eyes if I will.” “I think I am older than thou art,” said the quaker, “and therefore have a right to expect thee to make way for me.” “I won’t, dam’me,” resumed the first. He then pulled out a newspaper, and began to read, as he sat still in his chaise. The quaker, observing him, pulled a pipe and some tobacco from his pocket, and, with a convenience which he carried about with him, lighted his pipe, and sat and puffed away very comfortably. “Friend,” said he, “when thou hast read that paper, I should be glad if thou wouldst lend it me.”

JOHNSON AND BOSWELL

Dr. Johnson and Boswell, being at Bristol, were by no means pleased with their inn. “Let us now see,” said Boswell, “how we should describe it.” Johnson was ready with his raillery. “Describe it, sir! why, it was so bad – so very bad, that Boswell wished to be in Scotland.”

SIR CHARLES WAGER

Sir Charles Wager had a sovereign contempt for physicians; though a surgeon, he believed, in some cases might be of service. It happened that the worthy knight was seized with a fever while he was out upon a cruise, and the surgeon, without much difficulty, prevailed upon him to loose a little blood and suffer a blister to be laid on his back; by and by it was thought necessary to lay on another blister and repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also consented. The symptoms having abated, the surgeon then told him that he must now swallow a few boluses and take a draught. “No, doctor,” said Sir Charles, “you may batter my hulk as long as you will, but damn you, you shan’t board me!”

EPITAPH ON PROFESSOR BARNES, A MAN OF WEAK JUDGMENT, BUT HAPPY MEMORYHic jacet Joshua Barnes,Beatæ memoriæ, judicium expectans.INSURANCE

In a storm at sea when the sailors were all at prayers expecting every moment to go to the bottom, a passenger appeared quite unconcerned. The captain asked him how he could be so much at his ease in this awful situation. “Sir,” says the passenger, “my life’s insured.”

COLONEL THORNTON

When Colonel Thornton once asked his coachman if he had any objection to go abroad with him? “To any place that ever was created,” said the fellow very eagerly. “Would you drive me to hell?” said the colonel. “That I would!” answered the fellow, “that I would!” “Why, you would find it a hot birth and you must go in first yourself, Tom, as the box is before the body of the coach.” “No, no; I would back your honour in.”

BOSWELL AND JOHNSON

Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar dying for want in the streets of Scotland, “I believe, sir, you are very right,” says Johnson; “but this does not arise from the want of beggars, but the impossibility of starving a Scotsman.”

CONJUROR AND NO CONJUROR

A fellow, who went about the country playing slight of hand tricks, was apprehended and carried before the sapient mayor of a town, who immediately ordered him to be committed to prison. “For what?” said the fellow. “Why, sirrah, the people say you are a conjuror!” “Will your worship give me leave to tell you what the people say of you?” “Of me? what dare they say of me, fellow?” “They say you are no conjuror.”

BENEVOLENCE OF GEORGE III

When Lord North introduced Dr. Robertson to the king, his majesty made many inquiries concerning the medical professors of Edinburgh, and the state of the college, of which the doctor was principal. Being thus taken upon his own ground, the historian expatiated at large with gravity and decorum on the merits of the Edinburgh College; mentioned the various branches of learning which were taught in it, the number of students that flocked to it from all quarters of the world; and in reply to his majesty’s particular inquiries concerning it as a School of Physic, he observed that no college could boast of conferring the degree of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edinburgh; for it annually sent out more than forty physicians, besides vast quantities of those who exercised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons, apothecaries, &c. “Heaven,” exclaimed the king, interrupting the doctor, “Heaven have mercy on my poor subjects?”

SIR JOHN MILLICENT

One asked Sir John Millicent, a man of wit, how he did to conform to the grave justices his brethren, when they met. “Indeed,” answered he, “I have no other way to do than to drink myself down to the capacity of the bench.”

THE FISHMONGER

A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought an unconscionable price, exclaimed – “Do you suppose I pick up my money in the street!” “No, sir,” replied the vender, “but I do.”

THE BLESSINGS OF TRIAL BY JURY

A juryman, not so pliant as many, was repeatedly singular in his opinion, but so determined as always to bring over the other eleven. The judge asked him once how he came to be so fastidious? “My lord,” said he, “no man is more open to conviction than I am; but I have not met the same pliancy in others; for it has generally been my lot to be on a jury with eleven obstinate men.”

LORD SHAFTESBURY

The history of this nobleman, in the Biographia Britannica, is a mere panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, “Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions.” He bowed, and replied, “Of a subject, sir, I believe I am.”

THE BREWER

A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr. Jekyll, being informed of the circumstance, said that the verdict of the jury should be – “Found floating on his watery bier!”

JACK TAR AND THE PARSON

An honest tar, just returned from sea, met his old messmate, Bet Blowsy: he was so overjoyed that he determined to commit matrimony; but, at the altar, the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees; on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed – “D – n it, brother, never mind! marry us as far as it will go!”

SHERIDAN

Being asked whether he thought Mr. O’Brien was right in his assertion, that many thousands of the electors of Westminster would vote for the Duke of Northumberland’s porter were he put up, Sheridan coolly replied – “No; my friend O’Brien is wrong; but they might for Mr. Whitbread’s porter!”

SLAVE TRADE

Sir John Doyle being told in the House of Commons by those interested in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said that it reminded him of a man whom he had once seen in a warren, sewing up the mouth of a ferret: he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty of the act, but he answered – “Lord, sir, the ferret likes it above all things.”

NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS

A fire happening at a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed – “You’ve done what I never could do, for, egad, you’ve liquidated my score!”

BON MOT

A young clergyman, having the misfortune to bury five wives, being in company with a number of ladies, was severely rallied by them upon the circumstance. At last one of them rather impertinently put the question to him, “How he managed to have such good luck?” “Why, madam,” said the other, “I knew they could not live without contradiction, therefore I let them have their own way.”

BRUISING MATCH

A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying – “That after sixteen rounds, Hill beat his antagonist hollow.”

SMART RETORT

Lord B – wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, “Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the peace establishment?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his lordship, “put your tongue upon the civil list.”

LODGINGS

A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let, knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck with the charms of his conductress, said, – “Pray, my dear, are you to be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to be let alone.”

THE RISING GENERATION

A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the rising generation rarely lie down till three o’clock in the morning.”

THE MISER’S ADVICE

The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the fall of the leaf.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement: – “Every man his own washer-woman!”

WELSH TOURIST

A Welsh tourist, among many other judicious observations, remarked that the mad-house of Lanark was in a very crazy state.

THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES

An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered, – “I have done still worse – I have suffered myself to be apprehended.”

SELDEN

When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that fish were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was salt fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.

TRADE

A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with – “Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very dead, sir!” was the reply.

NAUTICAL SERMON

When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects.