English Jests and Anecdotes

A TERRIBLE THING OUT-TERRIBLED

A dull play-wright, about to read one of his compositions in the green-room at Drury Lane, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a piece before such a critical audience. “I know one thing more terrible,” said Mrs. Powell. “What can that be?” asked the author. “To be obliged to sit and hear it.”

WRECKERS

The people at a certain part of the coast of Cornwall, where wrecks frequently happen, used to be so demoralized by the unrestrained plunder of the unfortunate vessels, that they lost almost every humane feeling. It is said that even the clergy sunk under the dominion of this species of selfishness, and were almost as bad as the people. One Sunday, the news of a wreck was promulgated to a congregation engaged in public worship; and in an instant all were eagerly hurrying out at the door, to set off towards the spot. The clergyman hereupon called, in a most emphatic voice, that he only desired to say five more words to them. They turned with impatient attention to hear him. He approached, as if to address them; when, having got to the front of the throng, “Now,” says he, “let us start fair!” and off he ran, all the rest following him, towards the place where the wreck had happened, which, it is believed, he was the first to reach.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON

All the world has heard of Sir Isaac Newton roasting himself before a great fire, till informed of the possibility of escaping the fate he apprehended by pushing back his chair. The story of his employing the finger of a lady, whom he was courting, as a tobacco-stopper is equally well-known. Not so that which follows: – Dr. Stukely, one day visiting Sir Isaac by appointment, was told by a servant that the philosopher was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there; but as it was near dinner time the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in – a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and, covering up the empty dish, bade the servant dress another for her master. Before that was ready the great man came down; he apologised for his delay, and added, “Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint.” Saying this, he lifted the cover, and, without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile: “See,” says he, “what we studious people are; I forgot I had dined.”

INDIRECT ANSWER

A person employed by a sick gentleman to read to him, very soon evinced a great aptitude to stumble whenever he came to any word not belonging to his mother tongue. Tired with this at length, the sick man asked him if he really pretended to know any other language than his own. “Why, really sir,” answered the unfortunate reader, “I cannot exactly say I do; but I have a brother who is perfectly acquainted with French.”

JOHN BUNYAN

What are now denominated mince pies were formerly called Christmas pies. When John Bunyan, author of the Pilgrim’s Progress, was in Shrewsbury gaol for preaching and praying, a gentleman who knew his abhorrence of anything Popish, and wished to play upon his peculiarity, one 25th of December sent his servant to the poor puritan, and desired his acceptance of a large Christmas pie. John took little time to consider; but, seizing the pastry, desired the messenger to thank his master, and “Tell him,” added he, “I have lived long enough, and am now hungry enough, to know the difference between Christmas and pie.”

PREVENTIVE OF JEALOUSY

A beautiful young lady having called out an ugly gentleman to dance with her, he was astonished at the condescension, and believing that she was in love with him, in a very pressing manner desired to know why she had selected him from the rest of the company, “Because, sir,” replied the lady, “my husband commanded me to select such a partner as should not give him cause for jealousy.”

HAPPINESS

A captain in the navy meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth point, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest fellows in the world. “How so?” asked his friend. “Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.”

AN EXPEDIENT

The following anecdote is related of Sir Robert Walpole: Being afraid on one occasion that the bishops would vote against him in a question before the House of Lords, he induced the Archbishop of Canterbury to stay at home for two or three days, and circulated a report that his Grace was dangerously ill. On the day of meeting the house was crowded with lawn-sleeves, not one of which voted against the court!

GRAND-DAUGHTER OF CROMWELL

In the suite of the Princess Amelia, aunt of George III., there was a lady of the name of Russell, grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, and who it would seem inherited, without any alloy, much of his undaunted and ready spirit. On 30th of January, she was occupied in adjusting some part of the princess’ dress, when the Prince of Wales (Frederick) came into the room and said, “For shame, Miss Russell, why have you not been at church humbling yourself for the sins of this day committed by your grandfather?” “Sir,” replied Miss Russell, “for a grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, it is humiliation sufficient to be employed as I am, in pinning up your sister’s train.”

PURCEL

Daniel Purcel, who was a non-juror, told a friend that he had a full view of George the First as he landed at Greenwich. “Then,” said his friend, “you know him by sight.” “Yes,” said Purcel, “I think I know him; but I can’t swear to him.”

PENN AND CHARLES II

When the celebrated Penn visited Charles II., the king, observing him keep on his hat, took off his own, and stood uncovered before his precise subject, who said, “Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat.” “No,” said the king; “it is customary for only one man to stand covered here.”

NO JOKE

A gentleman whose grounds had the misfortune to lie near a public road, and were therefore much intruded upon, set up a board to scare offenders by the notification that steel-traps and spring-guns were set in these enclosures. This, however, being no more than the common warning, was totally disregarded: the grounds were just as much molested, and the fruit of the orchard as constantly stolen as ever. At length he caused to be painted in very large prominent letters below the other inscription – “No joke, by God!” which, it is stated, had the desired effect.

MAJOR LONGBOW

A gentleman who had made a fortune abroad, returned in advanced life, like many other such persons, to tell long stories at home. Sensible of a natural weakness he possessed of exaggerating every thing he spoke of, he kept a sober Scotch servant, who was instructed to touch his shoulder whenever his fault began to be observable. One day he told a story of a fox which he had seen at Grenada with a tail ten feet long. The man touched his shoulder. “Well,” said he, “I am sure I speak within the mark, when I say the tail was eight feet.” Still David touched his shoulder. “Well, at least six feet.” Still a touch. “Well, three.” Still another touch, until, provoked at last by the servant’s incredulity – “What the devil!” says he, turning about, “would you have the fox to have had no tail at all!”

THE BROOM-SELLER

Bacon was wont to commend much the saying of an old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A young spendthrift came to him for a broom upon trust, to whom the old man said – “Friend, hast thou no money? borrow of thy back and of thy belly; they’ll never ask thee for it: I shall be dunning thee every day.

A SAILOR’S EXPLANATION

A stranger, passing St. Paul’s cathedral, asked a sailor whom he met, what figures those were at the west front, to which it was answered, “The twelve apostles.” “How can that be,” inquired the stranger, “when there are but six of them?” “Damn your eyes!” said the tar, “would you have them all on deck at once!”

MAKING SURE

During the Protestant riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, “No Popery!” Old Grimaldi, the mimic, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, “No Religion.”

OLD, BUT NOT TO BE TIRED ON

A traveller, coming into the kitchen of an inn on a very cold night, stood so close to the fire that he burned his boots. A little boy, who sat in the chimney corner, cried out to him, “Take care, sir, or you will burn your spurs.” “My boots you mean, I suppose,” said the traveller. “O no, sir,” replied the arch rogue, “they be burnt already.”

ANOTHER

One poor beau told another that his new coat was too short for him. “True,” answered he of the short skirts: “I assure you, however, it will be long enough before I get another.”

LOCALITY OF FEELING

A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one man, who was asked why he did not weep with the rest. “Oh!” said he, “I belong to another parish.”

CONSOLATION

A gentleman, lying on his death-bed, called his coachman, who had been an old servant, and said – “Ah, Tom! I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me.” “Oh, dear sir,” replied Tom, “don’t let that discourage you; it is all down hill.”

HOLE versus DARN

Ned Shuter thus explained his reason for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned: – “A hole,” said he, “may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman; but a darn is premeditated poverty.”

NAUTICAL INDIFFERENCE

A sailor at the battle of Trafalgar had his leg shot off below the knee. “That’s but a shilling touch,” said he, alluding to the scale of pensions for wounds; “an inch higher and I should have had my eighteenpence for it.” As they were taking him away to get his leg dressed he called to a brother tar, – “Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, another time.”

ALE

A traveller, calling at a little inn, the landlord of which was very tenacious of the character of his home-brewed ale, after sipping the beverage, begged to have it warmed. “What! warm my ale!” exclaimed Boniface; “damn that stomach that won’t warm the ale, say I!” “And,” cried the potator, “damn that ale that won’t warm the stomach, say I.”

FEMALE CONTRIVANCE

Mary Queen of Scots was a long time under the charge of George, Earl of Shrewsbury, who found the duty exceedingly troublesome, and, furthermore, attended with great danger. His wife at length contrived to get him quit of it, by representing to Elizabeth that she suspected a growing attachment between her husband and Mary. Nothing more was required with the maiden queen; Mary was soon ordered another keeper.

THE GAMESTER

There is much philosophy in the following anecdote. At the time when the seconds in a duel used to engage as heartily as the principals, a gentleman, who had had a run of good luck at cards, was asked to act in that capacity to a friend. “I am not,” said he, “the man for your purpose; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and I warrant you he will fight like any devil.”

GIBBON’S PUNCTUALITY

Gibbon the historian was very punctual in his habits, dividing his time after the manner of King Alfred, and never prolonging a particular employment a moment beyond the stated hour of its termination. He once discharged a hairdresser for coming five minutes too late. The next he sent for, to make sure, came five minutes too soon. That was as bad; he was discharged too. A third, by pitching his arrival exactly as the clock struck, was retained.

NE SUTOR

A sculptor hearing a cobbler find fault with the sandal on the foot of one of his statues, thought the man’s objections so reasonable that he altered it, and returned him his thanks. The cobbler, arrogating consequence to himself, began to disapprove of the formation of the knee. “Hold, my friend,” cried the artist, “a cobbler’s criticisms should never go above the sole.”

GEORGE III. AND THE WHIGS

When the Whigs came into power in 1806, they turned out everybody, even Lord Sandwich, the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship soon after. “How do you do?” cried his majesty. “So they have turned you off? it was not my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much as I could do to keep my own place.”

DEFINITIONS

Horne Tooke, in his “Diversions of Purley,” introduces the derivation of King Pipin from the Greek noun osper, as thus, – osper, eper, oper; diaper; napkin, nipkin pipkin, pepin king – King Pipin! And, in another work, we find the etymology of pickled cucumber from King Jeremiah! exempli gratia– King Jeremiah, Jeremiah King; Jerry, king; jerkin, gerkin, pickled cucumber! Also, the name of Mr. Fox, as derived from a rainy day; as thus – Rainy day, rain a little, rain much, rain hard, reynard, fox!

SIGNS AND TOKENS

If you see a man and woman, with little or no occasion, often finding fault and correcting each other in company, you may be sure they are husband and wife. If you see a lady and gentleman in the same coach in profound silence, the one looking out at the window and the other at the opposite side, be assured they mean no harm to each other, but are husband and wife. If you see a lady accidentally let fall a glove or a handkerchief, and a gentleman that is next to her tell her of it, that she may pick it up, set them down for husband and wife. If you see a man and woman walk in the fields at twenty yards distance in a direct line, and a man striding over a style and still going on sans cérémonie, you may swear they are husband and wife. If you see a lady whose beauty attracts the notice of every person present except one man, and he speaks to her in a rough manner, and does not appear at all affected by her charms, depend upon it they are husband and wife.

THE MIRACLE

An old mass priest in the reign of Henry VIII., after the Bible was translated, was reading the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes. When he came to the verse that reckons the number of the guests, he paused a little, and at last said they were about five hundred; the clerk whispered in his ear that it was five thousand. “Hold your tongue, sirrah,” said the priest, “we shall never persuade the people it was five thousand.”

SWEARING AND DRIVING

A bishop being at his seat in the country where the roads were uncommonly bad, went to pay a visit to a person of quality in the neighbourhood, when his coach was overturned in a slough, and the servants were unable to extricate the carriage. As it was far from any house, and the weather bad, the coachman freely told his master he believed they must stay there all night; “For,” said he, “while your Grace is present I cannot make the horses move.” Astonished at this strange reason, his lordship desired him to explain himself. “It is,” said he, “because I dare not swear in your presence; and if I don’t, we shall never get clear.” The bishop, finding nothing could be done if the servant was not humoured, replied, “Well then, swear a little, but not much.” The coachman made use of his permission, and the horses used to such a kind of dialect, soon set the coach at liberty.

WHOLESALE PRACTICE

A physician in a metropolitan hospital, a few years ago, being in haste to leave his public for his private duties, was asked by the house surgeon what he should do with the right and left wards? “O,” exclaimed the other, “what did you do with them yesterday?” “By your directions,” said the surgeon, “I bled all the right ward, and purged all the left.” “Good,” replied the other; “then to-day, purge all the right, and bleed all the left;” and then leapt into his carriage.

DECENCY AND DANGER

A fire happening next door to a gentleman’s house, he was a full half hour before he could prevail on his wife to quit her room, into which she had locked herself. At length she came forth, greatly alarmed, in her shift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffle on her arm. “Bless my soul?” cried her husband, “what a while you have been, and knew the next house to be on fire.” “I can’t help it my dear,” cried she, “if our own house was in flames; I only stopped to make myself decent.”

LADY HARDWICK AND HER BAILIFF

A bailiff, having been ordered by Lady Hardwick to procure a sow of the breed and size she particularly described to him, came one day into the dining-room, when full of great company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, “I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.”

PERFECTION

A celebrated preacher having remarked in a sermon that every thing made by God was perfect, “What think you of me?” said a deformed man in a pew beneath, who arose from his seat, and pointed at his own back. “Think of you,” reiterated the preacher; “why, that you are the most perfect hunchback my eyes ever beheld.”

RECOVERY OF A SPENDTHRIFT

A nobleman, whose son was a hard drinker, and had been cutting down all the trees upon his estate, inquired of Charles Townshend, who had just returned from a visit to him, “Well, Charles, how does my graceless dog of a son go on?” “Why, I should think, my lord,” said Charles, “he is on the recovery, as I left him drinking the woods.”

CLERICAL PREFERMENT

Among the daily inquiries after the health of an aged Bishop of Durham, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of – , and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shewn into his room, and thus addressed him: – “Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better – much better; but that the Bishop of Winchester has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do.”

STATE AFFAIRS

A coach containing four members of parliament was overturned in the Strand. A countryman passing inquired who were the unfortunate persons; and being told, “Oh, let them lie,” cried he, “my father advised me not to meddle with state affairs.”

CHARLES II

The following anecdote, if it have not much of the wit, has at least a good deal of the character, of “the Merry Monarch.” He had a saying that five made the best company. It happened that a recruiting captain was so remarkably unsuccessful as to raise only five persons. When it was proposed that he should be broken for negligence, the king inquired how many he had raised, and being told, “Oddsfish!” cried his majesty, “he shan’t, for five’s the best company in the world.”

FERGUSON THE PLOTTER

When this famous person was taken up for his concern in some of the plots of the reign of Charles II., and brought before Lord Nottingham to be examined, his lordship said, “I intend to be very brief with you, Mr. Ferguson, and only ask one or two questions;” to which the prisoner replied, with his usual acrimony of tone, “And I intend to be as short as your lordship, and not answer one of them.” Whereupon he was committed to Newgate.

DELICACY

A courtier of the time of Charles II. – the greatest of his age – used to pay the following pretty compliment to the scruples which are entertained by ladies on the subject of age; he used to say to his lady every New Year’s Day, “Well, madam, how old will your ladyship please to be this year?”

EXAMPLE

Examples make a greater impression upon us than precepts. An old counsellor in Holborn used to turn out his clerks every execution-day with this compliment, “Go, ye young rogues – to school and improve.”

SIR FRANCIS BACON

When Queen Elizabeth made her famous procession to St. Paul’s to return public thanksgivings for the destruction of the Spanish armada, the citizens were ranged along one side of Fleet Street, and the lawyers on the other. As the Queen passed Temple Bar, Bacon, then a student, said to a lawyer that stood next him, “Do you observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law.”

ACQUIESCENCE

A hasty passionate fellow was supping with a friend who never contradicted him, not wishing to provoke his wrath. Unable to endure this acquiescence, he at last burst out, “Zounds, deny something, that I may know there are two of us.”

TRANSPOSITION OF SYLLABLES

One of our most celebrated poets, occasionally a little absent of mind, was invited by a friend whom he met in the street, to dine with him next Tuesday at a country lodging he had taken for the summer months. The address was, “Near the Green Man at Dulwich,” which, not to put his inviter to the trouble of pencilling down, our bard promised faithfully to remember. But when Tuesday came, he, fully late enough, made his way to Greenwich, and began inquiring for the sign of the Dull Man! No such sign was to be found; and, after losing an hour, a person guessed that though there was no Dull Man at Greenwich, there was a Green Man at Dulwich, which the gentleman might possibly mean! This remark connected the broken chain, and our poet took his chop by himself.

QUIN

Quin used to complain much of the system of giving vails to servants, which, to a man of his uncertain resources, was a very severe tax. Having been invited to the house of a gentleman who had the reputation of giving good dinners, he found himself entertained in a style much below his expectations; wherefore, on leaving the house, and finding the servants all as usual ranked up in the hall, he inquired for the cook and the butler. These officials speedily presented themselves, when he said to the first, “There’s half-a-crown for my eating,” and to the other, “There’s five shillings for my drinking; but really, gentlemen, I never made so bad a dinner at the money in my life before.”

A gentleman at whose house Quin had often experienced the same annoyance, one day gave him a pressing invitation; but Quin would not promise to come unless the servants were taught to expect no vails. He paid dearly for this limitation; for, on going to pay his visit, he had a dirty plate given him for a clean one, bread for beer, and frequently neither one nor other, after repeated applications. When dinner was finished, he addressed himself to the company, pushing round a plate with a half crown on it; “Gentlemen,” said he, “I think we had better pay for our dinner now, before we begin upon the wine; for I have a notion they imagine we intend to bilk them to-day.”

JAMES II

James II. having appointed a nobleman to be lord-treasurer when the exchequer was in a very exhausted state, he complained to the king of the irksomeness of the office, as the treasury was so empty. “Be of good cheer, my lord,” replied his majesty, “for you will now see the bottom of your business at once.”

REPROOF

A certain clergyman, who was more busied in the pleasures of the chase than in superintending the souls of his flock, one day, meeting with little sport, proposed to entertain his companions at the expense of an inoffensive quaker, whom he had very often ridiculed, and who was then approaching them. He rode up to him briskly, saying, “Obadiah, have you seen the hare?” “Why, hast thou lost him, neighbour?” said the quaker. “Lost him! yes, indeed.” “Then,” replied he, “if I were the hare I would run where I am sure thou could’st never find me.” “Where the devil is that?” asked the blustering son of Nimrod. “Why, neighbour,” answered the other, “I would run into thy study!”

AMENDMENT

An Earl Marshal was found fault with by his sovereign for some misarrangements at a coronation. “Please your Majesty,” said he, “I hope to do better next time.”

LORD CHESTERFIELD

Lord Chesterfield chanced one day to be at the Duke of Newcastle’s levee, when Garnet upon Job, a book dedicated to that nobleman, happened to lie in the window. Before his Grace made his appearance, his Lordship had time enough to amuse himself with the book; and when the Duke entered, he found him reading in it. “Well, my Lord,” said his Grace, “what is your opinion of that book?” “In any other place I should not think much of it,” replied his Lordship; “but being in your Grace’s levee, I think it one of the best books in the world.”

A lady of fashion, very young, very giddy, and just married, walking with Lord Chesterfield, asked his Lordship if she did not look very young? “Indeed, my lady,” said he, “you look as if you were just come from boarding-school, and fit to return again.”

As Lord L – was one day lamenting to his Lordship the misconduct of his son, the latter advised a place at court as one method which, perhaps, might cause an amendment. The father replied he was not steady enough. “Yes, yes,” said his Lordship, “he is steady enough to be Master of the Revels.”