Дживс, вы – гений! / Thank you, Jeeves!

A car had drawn up at the steps. Passenger A was J. Washburn Stoker. Passenger B was his daughter, Pauline. Passenger C was his young son, Dwight[47]. And Passenger D was Sir Roderick Glossop.

4

Pauline Stoker Asks for Help

Chuffy was the genial host.

“Hallo-allo-allo! Here you all are. How are you, Mr Stoker? How are you, Sir Roderick? Hallo, Dwight. Er—good morning, Miss Stoker. May I introduce my friend, Bertie Wooster? Mr Stoker, my friend, Bertie Wooster. Dwight, my friend, Bertie Wooster. Miss Stoker, my friend, Bertie Wooster. Sir Roderick Glossop, my friend, Bertie—Oh, but you know each other already, don’t you?”

I surveyed the mob. Old Stoker was glaring at me. Old Glossop was glaring at me. Young Dwight was staring at me. Only Pauline appeared to find no awkwardness in the situation. She was as cool as an oyster on the plate. She bounded forward, full of speech, and grabbed my hand warmly.

“Well, well, well! Old Colonel Wooster in person! To find you here, Bertie! I called you up in London, but they told me you had left.”

“Yes. I came down here.”

“I see you did. Well, sir, this has certainly made my day. You’re looking fine, Bertie. Don’t you think he’s looking lovely, father?”

Old Stoker made a noise like a pig swallowing half a cabbage. Sir Roderick had turned purple.

At this moment, however, the Lady Chuffnell came out. Before I knew where I was, the whole gang had gone indoors, and I was alone with Chuffy. He was staring at me.

“I didn’t know you knew these people, Bertie.”

“I met them in New York.”

“You saw Miss Stoker there?”

“A little.”

“Only a little?”

“Quite a little.”

“I thought her manner seemed rather warm.”

“Oh, no. About normal.”

“I thought you were great friends.”

“Oh, no. She talks like that with everyone.”

“She does?”

“Oh, yes. Big-hearted, you see.”

“She has got a delightful, impulsive, generous, spontaneous, genuine nature, hasn’t she?”

“Absolutely.”

“Beautiful girl, Bertie.”

“Oh, very.”

“And charming.”

“Oh, most.”

“In fact, attractive.”

“Oh, quite.”

“I saw her in London.”

“Yes?”

“We went to the Zoo and Madame Tussaud’s[48] together.”

“Tell me,” I said, “how do the prospects look?”

“Sometimes good. Sometimes not.”

“I see.”

“Uncertain.”

“I understand.”

“This Stoker makes me nervous. He’s friendly enough as a general rule, but at any moment he may fly off. You can’t tell me if there are any special subjects to avoid when talking to him, can you?”

“Special subjects?”

“Well, you know how it is with a stranger. You say it’s a fine day, and he goes all white and tense, because you’ve reminded him that it was on a fine day that his wife eloped with the chauffeur.”

I considered.

“Well, if I were you,” I said, “I wouldn’t harp too much on the topic of B. Wooster. He doesn’t like me.”

“Why not?”

“Just one of these unreasonable antipathies. And I was thinking, old man, it might be better if I didn’t join the throng at the luncheon table. You can tell your aunt I’ve got a headache.”

“Well, I’m glad you told me. You had better go away.”

“I will.”

“And I suppose I ought to join the others.”

He went indoors, and I went down the gravel. I was glad to be alone.

I am a man who can read faces. Chuffy’s expression, as he spoke of Pauline, showed that he was in love with her. Well, if it was so, it was all right with me. As far as I was concerned, Pauline Stoker could marry anyone she liked. I could still see that she was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met, but of the ancient fire which had caused me to bung my heart at her feet[49] there remained not a trace.

Analysing this, if analysing is the word I want, I came to the conclusion that this was due to the fact that she was so dynamic. Pauline Stoker was one of those girls who want you to come and swim a mile before breakfast.

But Chuffy is very dynamic himself. He rides, swims, shoots, chivvies foxes with loud cries. He and this P. Stoker would make the perfect pair.

So when I saw Pauline coming out of the house and going to me, I greeted her. The last thing I really wanted was to be close with this girl. The first shock of meeting her was over, but I did not like the prospect of a heart-to-heart talk.

“How perfectly extraordinary finding you here, Bertie,” she began. “What are you doing in these parts[50]?”

“I am temporarily in retirement,” I replied. “I needed a place where I could play the banjolele in solitude, and I took this cottage.”

“What cottage?”

“I’ve got a cottage down by the harbour.”

“You must have been surprised to see us.”

“I was.”

“More surprised than pleased, eh?”

“Well, of course, I’m always delighted to meet you, but when it comes to your father and old Glossop…”

“He’s not one of your greatest admirers, is he? But you saw father’s face when he noticed you. He’s convinced that I’m still in love with you.”

“You don’t mean that?”

“I do, honestly.”

“But, dash it—”

“It’s true, I tell you. He looks on himself as the stern Victorian father who has parted the young lovers and must keep them from getting together again. He does not know that you never had a happier moment in your life than when you got my letter.”

“No, I say!”

“Bertie, be honest. You were delighted.”

“I wouldn’t say that. I always esteemed you most highly.”

“You did what? Where do you pick up these expressions?”

“Well, I suppose from Jeeves, mostly. He had a fine vocabulary.”

“Where is he now?”

“He’s left me. He didn’t like me playing the banjolele. He is now with Chuffy.”

“Chuffy?”

“Lord Chuffnell.”

“Oh?”

There was a pause. She sat listening for a moment to a couple of birds who were having an argument in a nearby tree.

“Have you known Lord Chuffnell long?” she asked.

“Oh, rather.”

“You’re great friends?”

“Yes, we are.”

“Good. I hoped you were. I wanted to talk to you about him. I can confide in you, can’t I, Bertie?”

“Of course.”

“I knew I could. Tell me about Marmaduke[51].”

“I don’t think I know him.”

“Lord Chuffnell, idiot.”

“Is his name Marmaduke? Really? Well, well! What? Marmaduke!” I said, laughing heartily. “I remember he was always evasive and secretive about it at school.”

She seemed annoyed.

“It’s a beautiful name!”

I looked at her. This, I felt, must mean something. Nobody would say Marmaduke was a beautiful name wantonly and without good reason.

“Hallo!” I said. “Hallo, hallo, hallo! Hallo! You love this… ha, ha! Excuse me… this Marmaduke?”

“I’m crazy about him.”

“Good! Well, if what you say is really so, be prepared. He is deeply enamoured of you.”

She wiggled her shoulder impatiently.

“I know that, you chump. Do you think a girl can’t tell?”

I was frankly surprised.

“Well, if he loves you and you love him, I can’t understand what you want more.”

“Why, can’t you understand? He’s obviously in love about me, but he is silent.”

“He does not speak?”

“Not a syllable.”

“Well, why would—Naturally he wouldn’t say anything yet. Give the man a chance. He’s only known you five days.”

“I sometimes feel that he was a king in Babylon when I was a Christian slave.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, you know best, of course. Very doubtful, I should have said myself. And, anyway, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Well, you’re a friend of his. You could give him a hint. You could tell him there’s no need for coldness—”

“It is not coldness. It is delicacy. We men have our code in these matters. We are gentle knights. We—”

“What utter nonsense! You asked me to marry you after you had known me two weeks.”

“Ah, but there you were dealing with one of the Wild Woosters.”

“Well, I can’t see—”

“Yes?” I said. “Proceed.”

But she was looking past me at something to the south-east; and, turning, I perceived that we were no longer alone. There, standing in an attitude of respectful courtliness, was Jeeves.

5

Bertie Takes Things in Hand

I nodded affably. I am always debonair.

“Ah, Jeeves.”

“Good afternoon, sir.”

Pauline appeared interested.

“Is this Jeeves?”

“This is Jeeves.”

“So you don’t like Mr Wooster’s banjolele?”

“No, miss.”

I preferred that this delicate matter be not discussed.

“Well, Jeeves? What is it?”

“Mr Stoker, sir. He is inquiring after Miss Stoker’s whereabouts.”

“You’d better go,” said I to Pauline.

“I suppose so. You won’t forget what I said?”

“Never,” I assured her.

She went away, and Jeeves and I were alone together in the great solitude.

“Well, Jeeves.”

“Sir?”

“I mean to say, we meet again.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I hope you’re getting on all right with Chuffy?”

“Everything is most pleasant, sir. I trust your new personal attendant is giving satisfaction?”

“Oh, quite. A wonderful fellow.”

“I am extremely gratified to hear it, sir.”

There was a pause.

“Er, Jeeves,” I said.

“Sir?”

“I should rather like, if you have a moment to spare, to split a word with you.”

“Certainly, sir.”

“I wish to canvass your views regarding old Chuffy.”

“Very good, sir.”

I hesitated no longer.

“You will agree with me that something’s got to be done about the fifth Baron.”

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

“Come, come, Jeeves. You know what I mean as well as I do.”

“Am I correct in supposing, sir, that you are alluding to his lordship’s feelings towards Miss Stoker?”

“Exactly.”

“I am, of course, aware that his lordship is experiencing for the young lady a sentiment deeper and warmer than that of ordinary friendship, sir.”

“Very well, then. Now, mark this. She, too, loves, Jeeves.”

“Indeed, sir?”

“She was telling me so when you came along. And she’s very upset, poor girl. Extremely upset. Her feminine intuition has enabled her to read his secret. She detects the lovelight in his eyes. And what is worrying her is that he does not tell his love. So, he loves her. She loves him. So what’s more? I know Chuffy. A swift performer. Yet now look at him. Why?”

“His lordship is a gentleman, sir, and he feels that he has not the right to propose marriage to a young lady as wealthy as Miss Stoker.”

“But, dash it, she isn’t very rich.”

“No, sir. Mr Stoker’s fortune amounts to as much as fifty million dollars.”

“What! You’re talking through your hat, Jeeves.”

“No, sir. I understand that that was the sum which he inherited recently under the will of the late Mr George Stoker.”

I was stunned.

“Good Lord, Jeeves! Has Second Cousin George kicked the bucket[52]?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And left all his money to old Stoker?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now I see. Now I understand. This explains everything. That yacht in the harbour is his, of course?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, well, well! But, dash it, George must have had nearer relations.”

“Yes, sir. I understand that he disliked them all.”

“You know about him, then?”

“Yes, sir. I saw his personal attendant when we were in New York. A man named Benstead[53].”

“He was crazy, wasn’t he?”

“Certainly extremely eccentric, sir.”

“Any chance of one of those other relations contesting the will?”

“I do not imagine so, sir. But in such a case Mr Stoker would rely on Sir Roderick Glossop, of course, to testify that the late Mr Stoker was perfectly sane.”

“Hm. And unless old Stoker buys the Hall, Chuffy will continue to be the man without a bean. And yet, why, Jeeves? Why all this fuss about money? After all, plenty of poor guys have married rich girls before now.”

“Yes, sir. But his lordship is a gentleman of peculiar views on this particular matter.”

Yes, it was quite true. Chuffy is a fellow who has always been odd on the subject of money.

“It’s difficult,” I said. “One fails for the moment to see the way out. And yet you may be wrong, Jeeves. After all, you’re only guessing.”

“No, sir. His lordship did me the honour to confide in me.”

“Really? And how?”

“Mr Stoker had expressed a wish that I should enter his employment. He approached me in the matter. I informed his lordship. His lordship instructed me to wait.”

“You can’t mean that he wants you to leave him and go to old Stoker?”

“No, sir. He was anxious that I should not break off the negotiations with a definite refusal until the sale of Chuffnell Hall had gone through.”

“I see. He wanted you to keep old Stoker sweetened till he had signed the fatal papers?”

“Precisely, sir. And the financial status of his lordship is sufficiently good, his self-respect will not permit him to propose marriage to the young lady.”

“Silly ass!”

“I confess that I regard his lordship’s attitude as somewhat hyper-quixotic[54]“.

“We must talk him out of it.”

“Impossible, sir, I fear. I endeavoured to do so myself, but my arguments were of no avail. His lordship has a complex.”

“A what?”

“A complex, sir. He once witnessed a musical comedy, in which poor Lord Wotwotleigh[55] was endeavouring to marry an American heiress. He stated to me in the most unequivocal terms that he refused to place himself in a position like that.”

“But suppose the sale of the house does not go through?”

“In that case, I fear, sir—”

“What would you advise, Jeeves?”

“I fear I have nothing to suggest at the moment, sir.”

“Come, come, Jeeves.”

“No, sir. As long as the image of Lord Wotwotleigh persists in his lordship’s consciousness, I fear that there is nothing to be done.”

“Of course there is. Why this strange weakness, Jeeves? It is not like you. What he needs is a jolt. If he thought there was danger of some other guy near her.”

“Jealousy is undoubtedly an extremely powerful motivating force, sir.”

“Do you know what I am going to do, Jeeves?”

“No, sir.”

“I am going to kiss Miss Stoker and Chuffy will see it.”

“Really, sir, I should not recommend—”

“Jeeves, it came to me in a flash, as we were talking. After lunch, I shall draw Miss Stoker aside to this seat. You will arrange that Chuffy follows her. Then I shall fold her in a close embrace. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.”

“I consider that you would be taking a decided risk, sir.”

“No, Jeeves, I desire no further discussion. The thing is settled[56]. All that remains is to fix the time. I suppose lunch would be over by about two-thirty … Incidentally, I’m not going in to lunch myself.”

“No, sir?”

“No. I cannot face that gang. I shall remain out here. Bring me some sandwiches and some beer.”

“Very good, sir.”

“Put plenty of mustard on the sandwiches.”

“Very good, sir.”

“And at two-thirty inform Miss Stoker that I would like a word with her. And at two-thirty-one inform Lord Chuffnell that she would like a word with him. The rest you can leave to me.”

“Very good, sir.”

6

Complications

Jeeves returned with the sandwiches.

“So, Jeeves, did hear anything?”

“Yes, sir. Mr Stoker was inviting all those present to a party on his yacht.”

“What party?”

“It appears that it is Master Dwight Stoker’s birthday tomorrow, sir. The party, I gathered, was to be in celebration of the event.”

“And was the suggestion well received?”

“Extremely, sir. But Master Seabury did not like Master Dwight’s arrogant assertion that this was the first time that Master Seabury had ever seen a yacht.”

“What did he say?”

“He retorted that he had been on millions of yachts. Indeed, if I am not mistaken, trillions was the word he employed.”

“And then?”

“Master Dwight was sceptical concerning this claim. But at this moment Mr Stoker announced his intention of hiring the troupe of negro minstrels to perform at the party.”

“And that went well?”

“Very well, indeed, sir. Except that Master Seabury said that he was sure Master Dwight had never heard negro minstrels before. Master Dwight had then thrown a potato at Master Seabury.”

“I wish somebody would and chain those kids up. They’ll spoil the whole thing.”

“Master Dwight said that his hand had slipped, and the apology was gracefully received.”

“Well, go back and see if you can hear some more.”

“Very good, sir.”

I finished my sandwiches and beer, wishing that I had told Jeeves to bring me some coffee. But you don’t have to tell Jeeves things like that. He came back with the steaming cupful.

“Luncheon has just concluded, sir.”

“Ah! Did you see Miss Stoker?”

“Yes, sir. I informed her that you desired a word with her, and she will be here shortly.”

“Why not now?”

“His lordship engaged her in conversation immediately after I had given her your message.”

“Had you told him to come here, too?”

“Yes, sir.”

“No good, Jeeves. They will arrive together.”

“No, sir. If so, I can easily detain him for a moment on some matter.”

“When did you see Miss Stoker?”

“About a quarter of an hour ago, sir.”

“Ah!”

I had observed a gleam of white among the bushes. The next moment, the girl appeared. She was looking more beautiful than ever, her eyes, in particular, shining like twin stars.

“Hallo, Bertie,” said Pauline. “Are you really having a headache? You seem to have been doing yourself pretty well, in spite of it.”

“Oh … You had better take these things back, Jeeves.”

“Very good, sir.”

“And if his lordship should want me, I’m here.”

“Yes, sir.”

He gathered up the plate, cup and bottle and disappeared.

Pauline had grabbed my arm.

“Bertie—” she was saying

But at this point I caught sight of Chuffy’s head over a shrub, and I felt that the moment had come to act. I waited no longer. Folding the girl in my arms, I kissed her on her right eyebrow.

But the fellow in the shrub was not Chuffy. The bloke who now stood before us was old Stoker. It was, you must admit, not a little awkward. A fellow with fifty millions in his pocket doesn’t have to wear the mask. If he wants to give anybody a nasty look, he gives him a nasty look. He was giving me one now.

Fortunately, the thing did not go beyond looks. The civilization prevailed. With one more of those looks he collected Pauline, and the next moment I was alone.

Suddenly Chuffy appeared.

“Look here, Bertie,” he began without preamble, “what’s all this I hear?”

“What’s all what you hear, old man?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you had been engaged to Pauline Stoker?”

“I don’t understand you, Chuffnell,” I said stiffly. “Did you expect me to send you a post card?”

“You could have told me this morning.”

“I saw no reason to do so. How did you hear about it, anyhow?”

“Sir Roderick Glossop happened to mention it.”

“Oh, he did, did he? Well, he broke it off.”

“What do you mean?”

“He happened to be in New York at the time, and to urge old Stoker to give me the push. The whole thing didn’t last more than forty-eight hours.”

“You swear that?”

“Certainly.”

“Only forty-eight hours?”

“Less.”

“And there’s nothing between you now?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re sure?”

“Nothing whatever. So, Chuffy, old man,” I said, patting his shoulder, “fear nothing. The girl is in love with you.”

“Who told you that?”

“She did.”

“Herself?”

“In person.”

“She does really love me?”

“Passionately.”

A look of relief came into his face.

“Well, that’s all right, then. You know, when a fellow’s just got engaged to a girl, it’s rather strange to find that she was engaged to somebody else about two months before.”

I was astounded.

“Are you engaged? Since when?”

“Since shortly after lunch.”

“But how about Wotwotleigh?”

“Who told you about Wotwotleigh?”

“Jeeves. He said the shadow of Wotwotleigh brooded over you like a cloud.”

“Jeeves talks too much. Immediately before I talked to Pauline, old Stoker told me he had decided to buy the house.”

“Really!”

“Absolutely. I think it was the wine that did it. My best wine.”

“You couldn’t have done a wiser thing. Your own idea?”

“No. Jeeves’s.”

I could not restrain a wistful sigh.

“Jeeves is a wonder.”

“A marvel.”

“What a brain! He eats a lot of fish. What a pity he does not like good music,” I said. “Well, this is fine, I hope you will be very, very happy. I can honestly say that I always look on Pauline as one of the nicest girls I was ever engaged to.”

“I’m trying to forget that you ever were engaged to her. I wonder what made her accept you?”

This had puzzled me too.

“I once consulted a knowledgeable pal,” I said, “and his theory was that the sight of me hanging about like a sheep awoke the maternal instinct in woman. There may be something in this.”

“Possibly,” agreed Chuffy. “Well, I’ll be off. I suppose Stoker will want to talk to me about the house. You are coming?”

“No, thanks. I could stand your Aunt Myrtle. I could even stand little Seabury. But add Stoker and Glossop, this is too much for Bertram. I shall take a stroll about the estate.”

* * *

I spent an agreeable two hours strolling about, and it was late afternoon when the imperative need for a cup of tea sent me back. I wanted to find Jeeves.

A maid directed me to his room.

“In fact, Jeeves,” I said, “I suppose old Chuffy is feeling great.”

“Not exactly, sir.”

“Eh?”

“No, sir. I regret to say that there has been something wrong.”

“What! Have they quarrelled already?”

“No, sir. His lordship’s relations with Miss Stoker continue cordial. It is with Mr Stoker that he is on distant terms.”

“Oh, my God!”

“Yes, sir.”

“What happened?”

“The origin of the trouble was a physical contest[57] between Master Dwight Stoker and Master Seabury, sir. Master Seabury tried to get exact from Master Dwight the sum of one shilling and sixpence for what he termed protection.”

“Oh, Lord!”

“Yes, sir. Master Dwight, I gathered, declined. One word led to another, with the result that at about three-thirty sounds were heard proceeding from the room, and the senior members of the party discovered the young gentlemen on the floor, they were struggling. At the moment of their arrival, Master Dwight was seated on Master Seabury’s chest, bumping his head on the carpet.”

“And then?”

“The initiative was taken by Lady Chuffnell.”

I moaned.

“On witnessing it, her ladyship uttered a sharp cry and struck Master Dwight with considerable force on the right ear.”

“Upon which, of course—?”

“Precisely, sir. Mr Stoker kicked Master Seabury.”

“He got him, Jeeves!”

“Yes, sir. Master Seabury was rising at the moment, and was well adapted for the receipt of such an attack. Her ladyship called to Sir Roderick for support, and high words[58] ensued. Then Mr Stoker informed Sir Roderick that if he supposed that he, Mr Stoker, intended to purchase Chuffnell Hall after what had occurred, he, Sir Roderick, was in grave error.”

I buried the head in the hands.

“His lordship urged Mr Stoker to disclaim these words. It was his lordship’s view that Mr Stoker, having given his promise to purchase Chuffnell Hall, could not, as an honourable man, recede from this obligation. Mr Stoker replied that he did not care what he had promised or what he had not promised. After that, his lordship, I regret to say, became unguarded in his speech.”

I moaned again.

“Then Mr Stoker returned to the yacht with Miss Stoker and Master Dwight. Sir Roderick has gone to the local inn. Lady Chuffnell is with Master Seabury in his bedroom. His lordship, I believe, is taking the dog for a run in the west park.”

“When all this happened, had Chuffy told Stoker he wanted to marry Miss Stoker?”

“No, sir.”

“Well, I don’t see how he can very well do it now.”

“I think the announcement would not be cordially received, sir. And I chanced to be an auditor of a conversation between Mr and Miss Stoker. It was the gentleman’s intention to keep Miss Stoker on board, not permitting her to go ashore.”