The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn’t hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn’t wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn’t git up quick enuff tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain’t aul; mi wife sed i waz az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb.

I don’t want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don’t think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LAUGHING

It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans.

It iz the language ov infancy – the eloquense ov childhood, – and the power tew laff is the power to be happy.

It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order.

It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words. – Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense. – It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper. – It never iz covetous. – It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty. – It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment. – Sum have kalled it a weakness – a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance. – It holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly.

It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts.

It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty’s bundles. – It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. – It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase. – It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave.

Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy. – It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden’s lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise.

THE ADVENT NO. 2

The seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they rub out the slate, and begin agin.

Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they say, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two inches, which iz mighty cluss for so big a thing.

The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way.

But az i grew older – if i didn’t gro enny wizer – I had the satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov advents.

I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way.

I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick, that waz lieing around loose, ov man’s internal natur, thet if the world hadn’t bin bilt, before man waz, he probably wouldn’t hav bin satizfied if he couldn’t hav put in hiz lip.

Man iz an uneazy kritter, and luvs tew tell how things ought tew be bilt and haz got jist impudence enuff tew offer his valuable services tew the Lord espeshily in the way ov advice.

Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will sumtime be knocked out ov time; it hain’t got the least partickle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, who will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth’s death to day, iz no wizer; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town.

The bible that i was brought up on, sez: “that the son of man cometh like a thief in the night,” and evry boddy knows, that the fust intimashun we hav ov a thief’s visit iz, that he haz been here, and left.

Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund advent dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suitable tew put enny, the fust bizzness, ov enny consequence they do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain’t long before the phool nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job.

This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckulashun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bottom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to be phooled.

The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew he a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew be ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank, and run it.

I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back road, az ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov medicin.

I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily when he dont step on enny boddy but himself.

Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy themselfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop.

Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, and be the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied.

I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint, that thare aint a Millerite now living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun.

Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the face ov it.

Oh! impudence, whare iz thy sting! Oh! pholly, whare iz thy viktory!

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Qu. – How fast will the “come-ing man” probably travel?

Ans. – It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he’d better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.

Qu. – What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?

Ans. – In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin.

Qu. – What iz the most karniverous animal?

Ans. – Death.

Qu. – What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?

Ans. – A good joke.

Qu. – Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?

Ans. – Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.

Qu. – Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?

Ans. – Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.

Qu. – Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last?

Ans. – I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word.

Qu. – Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?

Ans. – The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.

Qu. – Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word Damn as a tonick?

Ans. – It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn’t worth a dam.

Qu. – What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country?

Ans. – The customs.

Qu. – Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see?

Ans. – I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.

Qu. – Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?

Ans. – The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun.

Qu. – If yu waz blest! with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would yu dedikate him to?

Ans. – The shumakers.

Qu. – Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?

Ans. – Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.

Qu. – Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man’s life?

Ans. – Immediately after he haz did a square thing.

Qu. – Is whiskee a tonick?

Ans. – No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits.

Qu. – Iz revenge a viktory?

Ans. – Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker.

Qu. – Don’t you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients?

Ans. – I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented.

Qu. – What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?

Ans. – When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder.

Qu. – If i couldn’t hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?

Ans. – Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.

Qu. – Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian?

Ans. – Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don’t think the Lord ever takes the length of a man’s face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.

Qu. – What iz the best cure for love?

Ans. – Tew liv on it.

Qu. – What iz the best cure for pride?

Ans. – A fall on the ice before folks.

Qu. – What iz a sik old bachelor like?

Ans. – A cocoon.

Qu. – What iz an excuse?

Ans. – The finesse ov reason.

Qu. – What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?

Ans. – At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in.

Qu. – Where do the vain go tew when they die?

Ans. – A barber’s shop.

LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE

Theze three places are wet spots.

I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about this.

Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun.

I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mineral water aint mi fort.

I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt.

I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out thare.

I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss tew the edge ov the water, and drank sum.

But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the water into the shore so mutch that it went all over me.

This waz looked upon az kussid smart, and every boddy laffed.

I did not see enny thing phunny in it, and so i didn’t laff.

The water at Long Branch iz verry plenty, and will last for menny years to cum, if they are saving ov it. They told me that the water at Long Branch waz good for the fidgit, and the conipshun.

I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i might worry down sum ov it.

I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn’t hanker for it but once.

I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday hiz text waz, “if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be psalted.”

While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than a millyun ov people cum and went, and i didn’t hear one ov them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water.

I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how tew like the water.

While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy to the water.

This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front ov the middle ov the hotel.

The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn’t drink the water yet with mutch suckcess.

His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search ov a landlord.

I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and begun to drink.

I don’t think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch.

I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the time.

The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to.

The water ain’t so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it.

I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several people thare.

This hotel iz kept by the Lelands, and iz kept just az i should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one.

I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz.

The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phellows and they all told me they knew how to drink the water.

I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to finally drink the water.

From Saratoga i went to Lake George.

I went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most delitesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest.

One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the rode presented me with a pass to go and cum.

I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git less dust and more shade; yu will find good stages, jolly drivers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pass for yourself and wife.

I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn’t taste enny psalt in the water.

I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste.

I tried the water the next morning, and found them still unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left.

The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt psalt.

He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me.

I left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water iz too fresh tew be proffitable.

Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so fine; but i didn’t go for scenery, i went for water.

After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happiness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a leetle water-soaked.

I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the winter thare, and praktiss on the waters.

I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall tew drink than enny others.

I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy.

If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out the better.

I forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga drink 9 glasses ov mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a sailor – a regular old psalt.

I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water than he could swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth.

But thare iz excepshuns tew the general rule.

SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY

The strawberry is one ov natur’s sweet pets.

She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price.

The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.

There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot.

I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy’s tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment.

Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it.

Peaches are good, if yu don’t git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.

Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with halfsweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else’s expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience – a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don’t care what goes down it.

* * * * * * * *

NEW ASHFORD

The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rok.

It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze.

It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that party, and like all the Nu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy.

It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me mix up rum and religion together, but i had an Unkle, who preached God’s word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to heaven.

This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three magnificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four.

I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith.

But i wouldn’t advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day tew meddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer.

The tanzy iz all rite – it grows az green and az bitter az ever; for man kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedeviled into rank pizon.

One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would disfranchise a whole drove ov preachers now.

In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the middle ov the table.

But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy.

I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we aint pure enuff now tew stand them, neither are we tuff enuff.

Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred years ago.

We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer; weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful gain.

I never hav met an old man yet, who didn’t mourn the degeneracy ov the times.

Wisdum don’t konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less that iz false.

But, dear Mr. – , i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu sumthin about New Ashford.

If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me.

Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at it.

I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks.

How is this for hi?

But what a still place this New Ashford iz.

At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked; and at twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary.

This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay’s tail.

Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter.

In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm.

Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit.

This iz what i am here for; trout for breakfast, trout for dinner and trout for supper.

I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer.

I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy.

I haven’t read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn’t read one for a dollar.

I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak tew the senseless crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, and holes in both ov mi boots.

This world iz phull ov fun, but most pholks look too hi for it.

On one side ov this mountain they say thare iz rattlesnaix, on that side of the mountain, iz whare i dont go.

I am just az fraid ov a snaix as a woman iz, i had rather meet the devil, ennytime, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me.

I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you.

It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud; a still noize iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez: “peace, be still.”

The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be.

Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaught 27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, a big daze work.

When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it waz the tired that waz wuth the munny.