The Complete Works of Josh Billings

PRIVATE OPINYUNS

Mi private opinyun iz – that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking into.

Mi private opinyun iz – that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi inferior.

Mi private opinyun of Fame iz – that it konsists in being praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably forgotten.

Mi private opinyun iz – that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss for being cracked.

Mi private opinyun iz – that manufaktring phun for other pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness.

Mi private opinyun iz – that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man.

Mi private opinyun iz – that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno.

Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz – that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it.

Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz – that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too.

Mi private opinyun iz – that when a man haint got enny thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it.

My private opinyun iz – that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey, and didn’t hav fur tew spring neither.

Mi private opinyun ov Rum iz – that the man who sells it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman – the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure life – the rumseller demands both.

Mi private opinyun ov “Wimmin’s Rites” iz – that natur haz fixt them jist about rite, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov a posishun.

Mi private opinyun iz – that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess, for two reasons – one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the Atlantik Monthly sez so.

My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz – that it iz like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the inside.

Mi private opinyun iz – that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses.

Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz – that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz.

Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz – that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow.

Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz – that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood.

Mi private opinyun iz – that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one.

Mi private opinyun iz – that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry.

Mi private opinyun iz – that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew.

Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz – that the gimblet kind iz the most sarching.

Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz – that it iz like Joner’s gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.

Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz – from fair to midling.

Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz – that he iz a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted.

My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed in dieing an old maid, they don’t deserve all the punishment they receive.

Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don’t kno it.

Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ockashun.

Mi private opinynn ov boys iz, if i hadn’t been one once miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay.

Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them.

Mi private opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in their heds, and i ain’t sorry for it neither.

Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than logick haz.

Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too.

Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their affeckshun ought almost tew make them immortal.

Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too.

My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny thing he kouldn’t reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it.

Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me.

My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, and i am a big phool if i don’t halt.

A SUGGESTSHUN

The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the grass.

Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are useful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink.

An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don’t understand the language.

Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing.

There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety.

They go round az glib az a boy’s windmill in a good breeze; they ain’t afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz shuze.

The man who hain’t red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two.

I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old hoss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him.

This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so.

But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper.

ON COURTING

Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul.

The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals.

Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow.

I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther’s trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs.

Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver.

Az a ginral thing i wouldn’t brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch.

If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don’t sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it.

Don’t court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.

Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm – for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don’t git a good wife and she don’t git a good hustband, the falt won’t be in the courting.

Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.

LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS

Ebenezer Smith haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew.

The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O’Tool.

Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi. He also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks.

The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss Sinbads, ov Lexington avenew – lovely creatures all ov them.

Mocking birds’ tongues on toast will be on the bills ov fare, this summer, at the Kontinental Hotel, Long Branch.

The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a 4 thousand dollar hoist in his salary, or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him went. (Bully for the kongregashun.)

Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her resepshuns from haff past 2 o’klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Exchange papers will pleaze coppy.

Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week, tew Richards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dollars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mutch ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its center.

It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dauter, Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this account.

Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov stages.

Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Panza breed, and offers 40 dollars “for hiz uncerimonious return.” (“Uncerimonious return” iz kussid good.)

Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, is being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tanzy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be looked for.

Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings.

Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.)

G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, entitled “Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun.” (This iz a kussid no sich thing. – J. B.)

The cirkulashun ov the New York Weekly haz allready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, “Excelsior.”

The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov “snob place,” will hav a klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, “Goose Nook,” to whitch the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.)

Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately followed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker.

Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker – 5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.)

On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.

On ditto, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a failure, and that starvashun must foller.

On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel.

New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union.

It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thousand dollars; but, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.)

Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz chestnut sorrel – the old color waz dapple grey.

We are authorized tew state that Mr. Alanthus haz just returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals.

A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates “that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood.”

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs. Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully established, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller brass buttons.

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.

Matilda O’Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karacter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street.

No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family.

Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergurson. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun.

JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE

The velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind the fust one.

They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun.

They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun.

They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man.

The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the question, in what manner they shall occupy them.

Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the hoss.

It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the “wimmins’ right committee,” and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny.

I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair competishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az medisin, and may the best man win.

It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it – if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things.

I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the velosipead, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk.

The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun.

Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better.

There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them.

Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still.

I hav seen the nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without giving him credit for it.

If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosipead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen.

I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov usefulness.

If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to onst.

The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs – or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word leggs iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people.

This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who understands that “velosipeads” iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words, “veloss” and “pedoss,” which vulgarily means “lively leggs,” but politely means, “pedal swiftness.”

If a man don’t understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier.

The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use.

The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian country.

I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove moshun.

Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called “wheelbarrows,” or sumthing that sounds like that.

This is all i kno now about the velosipeads.

THE RASE KOARSE

Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!

Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at “Jamaka rum four corners,” and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses.

I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys.

The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples.

I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in.

I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for “The Yung Man’s Christian Gide,” if he knew what the poplashun ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn’t, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn’t be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst.

Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mixed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz.

THE TRACK

I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun.

The judge’s stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.

THE HOSSES

Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago.

Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game.

I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, “she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister,” and then tha both laffed.

I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz “Fryin-Pan.”

The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur.

Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz “Juise Harp.”

FUST HEAT

The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time.

The gra mare waz druv bi “Dave Larkin,” and the hoss was handled bi “Ligh Turner.”

Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits.

Now the kontest becum exsiting, “Dave” hollered, and “Ligh” yelled – on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer – tha make the last turn tew onst – tha look like a dubble team – the exsitement grows more intensely – the crowd sways to and fro – the ox cart trembles – tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed! – no, the hoss iz ahed! ’tis even, ’tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox kart – the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking 2 seckunds.

REMARKS

The hosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children.

Each party are sanguinary ov suckces.

The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss.

At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young man’s Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse.

SECKUND HEAT

The hosses both sho signs ov distress.