The Complete Works of Josh Billings

This iz billyards.

HABITS OF GRATE MEN

Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots.

Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg’s tale natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.

George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.

In this way he discovered cansir, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever since bore his name in English.

George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.

He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.

He died in due time.

And haint bin seen since.

His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 86.

If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, “peace tew her ashes.”

If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay.

Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich.

He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.

He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity.

He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which history sez was cussid good.

Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.

Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.

Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.

He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.

He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded.

His exsentricitys waz theze.

He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.

When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.

He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life.

He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.

He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn’t enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys.

Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work.

He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats.

This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widder, in a phuneral scrape.

Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that ever smiled.

He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov Gin.

Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.

The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz way ov smiling.

He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time.

This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out.

He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.

History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it.

But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.

Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one before him.

This oddness haz also its immitators.

Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.

I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.

Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.

Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.

Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE

I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the “Garden Angel life insurance Co.,” and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned: —

QUESTIONS.

1st – Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.

2d – Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d – What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th – Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th – What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments.

6th – Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th – Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th – Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th – What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?

10th – Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.

HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS

First.– Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color.

Seckond.– Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are dum but a deff and dum hoss, are not desirable.

Third.– Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar.

Fourth.– Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that the spinal collum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spinal collum from fore to aft aint worth, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss.

Five.– Put yure hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water.

Six.– Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right.

Seven.– Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to see if he knows how tew kick.

Eight.– Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, windgalls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a whirl-bone; look for sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks.

Nine.– Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron.

Ten.– Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glanders; look just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny.

Eleven.– Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things.

Twelve.– Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don’t be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler.

Thirteen.– Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter.

Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a good family hoss, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him.

Good hosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov hosses, are skarser.

Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a good family hoss ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him.

“An honest man iz the noblest work ov God,” this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss.

GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT

AT PORDUNK

Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20thJOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER

Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn’t be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn’t be enny suckertash.

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.

The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.

The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.

FUST DAY

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.

Thare waz thirteen entries.

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.

SEKOND DAY

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.

THIRD DAY

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.

FOURTH DAY

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn’t never beat 2.25.

Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn’t aul trot tew once, so they took turns.

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker’s colt.

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.

FIFTH DAY

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.

One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.

At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn’t seem to attrakt enny simpathy.

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.

OATS

Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one ov them.

They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler.

This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.

Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch.

I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler.

This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.

I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the “splits” that win.

If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the suckshun.

But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered rane water.

If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin.

I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it.

I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, yu kant work what’s left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.

Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.

Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don’t have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed.

She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.

But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum straw, and are sharp at both ends.

They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.

I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn’t be a shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.

Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.

This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.

I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.

Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the eazyest to cheat.

They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it, this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth.

It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other phellow.

The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat.

Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate.

Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warrent a good crop.

It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet.

Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth.

I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn’t earn their pepper-sass.

Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count.

Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never.

It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it would save them a good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats.

Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so, Methuseler died ritch.

Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz worth.

Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss.

They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper of pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very skarse.

Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold.

I found this out all alone by miself.

Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize.

All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in a stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, then stow them away in a granery, then spend wet days, and Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice.

It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats – try it.

One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster suddenly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and all.

* * * * * * * *

A LAFF

Men who never laff, may have good hearts, but they are deep seated, – like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim.

I don’t like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it.

It iz true that enny kind of a laff iz better than none, – but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man’s eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks, – then steals bak, with a smile, to its liar, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey, – this is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade ov.

PASHUNCE OV JOB

Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that’s a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde ’round?

Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once?

Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall?

Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous?

Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in a lot?

Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing “damnashun!”

If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job!

Friday. – Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, “she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;” I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn’t be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.

THE GAME OF YEWKER

This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.

It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller’s hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don’t compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.

I never play yewker.

I never would learn how, out ov principle.

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.

But I won’t play enny game, if I know my charakter whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won’t count game.

I won’t play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.

BEER

I hav finally com tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn’t, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn’t pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.