Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say "that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.

Wednesday. – Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver." Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.

Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm, and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it," and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing, that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell the truth at the same time.

Thursday. – Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw, and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the remark.

Friday. – Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers.

She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, "she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to* * * *;" I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.

Saturday. – Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it.

Saturday Night, haf past 10. – Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly: – Dear Sir, I have red yure kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull critick, that is a grate willingness tew damn, but yu lack entirely another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a dam. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor damn crittick.

Yure Lover,Josh Billings.

XXVI.

AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY

VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS

Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.

I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the present day among the nashuns ov the earth.

But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar privileges ov an aristokrasy.

We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles – the moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.

Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as follers:

The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth just what their hides will bring.

The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man trieing tew walk a krack.

The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them smell ov greatness.

Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet, appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing up the same pole.

Moral – Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.

XXVII.

LOVE

The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only good thing it dus.

Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the holyest ov virtues.

But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav.

Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as uncorked ginger pop dus.

Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare.

And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days.

These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness on.

There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats.

I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense.

If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for our latitude.

XXVIII.

THE GAME OF YEWKER

This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.

It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.

I never play yewker.

I never would learn how, out ov principle.

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.

But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game.

I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.

XXIX.

NOW AND THEN

In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with energee tew execute it; now they shut up one eye, and "pitch in."

In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the chances; now, they "let her rip."

Then, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; now, they smile aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill.

Then, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; now, they "cave in," "squeal," or "absquat."

Then, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel wagers; now, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar."

Then, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; now, in 2 forti, under a strong pull.

Then, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; now, too oftin a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups.

Then, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be humbell before God; now, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured, by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping infant.

Then, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots; now, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the chambers ov deadly revolvers.

Then, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters were diplomas; now, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges, watching for the falling ov a crumb.

Then, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20 summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in them; now, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits the eager fruit.

Then, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good; now, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume.

Then, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality supplied them; now, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality.

Then, men ware solisituss about their karakters; now, about their pedigrees.

Then, they found health at hum; now, they hunt for it bi travell.

Finally – if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness, would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus ensews when fools and sages meet.

XXX.

OATS

Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did so well – it has developed the phools.

The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount – John Burch." I had rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it.

Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one thing – they seldom mistake it fur brains.

Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.

If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.

I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a spring, instead ov the outlet.

Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.

If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.

Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.

Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal ov the sile with the roots.

Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the side ov a trout brook – aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.

It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a fellow. A good grip is better than rubis – yea! than mutch fine cotten cloth.

I enjoy a good laff – one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface, as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.

Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank verse.

When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral as though he wos setting fur his picktur.

I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov narrow humorists in the country without me.

Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other sharks with.

Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.

XXXI.

WATERFALLS

I rather like waterfalls.

I kant tell why, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile – but kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.

I don't like laziness ov no sort – not even in muskeeters.

I want my muskeeters lively.

But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.

I like waterfalls – they are so eazy and natural.

They attack all the sex.

Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like a siege, working up slowly.

I saw one yesterday.

It want no bigger than a small French turnup.

It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.

She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.

The effeck was purely eclectick.

I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.

She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A," worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.

I asked a bystander how he could account for that.

He said "it waz younger."

I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.

She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.

She swept the streets like a thing of life.

Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.

Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.

Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.

It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds ov glass.

It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare the supervizors meet.

But i rather like waterfalls.

It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, for they don't show no leak yet.

In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I say – "Vive la Bag-a-tale."

XXXII.

POLITENESS

I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, and see the thing in the followin light:

Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.

It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even religion, singly, would git stuck.

Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber.

It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.

Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it terrifick force, and that is deference.

Deference will win oftener than double sixes.

If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist which road you please.

I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.

If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, is nothing more than a raid.

The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then will deference reveal its true sublimity.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

Josh Billings.

XXXIII.

DREAMS

If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure branes.

"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!" – i should as soon think ov shutting the cold out ov Nu England.

I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew.

Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul Magdalen.

The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the clussest on.

The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that mullatters are – just above what they started from, and just belo what they started for.

He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who draws his experience from the futur iz always a child.

If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes.

Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy.

If yu argy, alwus git beet.

XXXIV.

JOSH CORRESPONDS

Jenkins– Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov them are worth answering.

I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.

I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around loose, without enny dog to them.

But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the longest end.

The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.

Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.

So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.

As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.

A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a long-tailed dog is – this stands tew reason.

A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging ov aul kinds, is about played out.

If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail onto them behind.

I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would be better than nothing.

Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.

If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the long-tailed ones are the handyest – but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a dog, is by the neck.

In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the long-tailed dog.

That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I may as well split up for yu now as enny time.

Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.

They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu hav a mind to.

Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.

Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a rat's tail.

Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows better than that.

Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.

Nimrod– I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.

I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.

In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means sharp work, on the sly.

Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole – and the fellow that owns the needle owns the pole.

And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.

XXXV.

NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES

The "Shanghi Dispatch" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov good moral karacter. – References exchanged. – The young Devil will be expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather."

The "Nevada Brick" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the "Brick." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."

The "Mock Turtle Bulletin" learns "that onions in his lokality won't be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low."

The "Mohunk Ledger" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons." – (We doubt the polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse already.)

The "Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register" thus reports the acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure the traveling publik, will probably be the last."