Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

Henry Wheeler Shaw

Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

I.

JOSH ON ICE

Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.

It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey – and the wind waz in the air – and the birds were in the South – and the snow waz on the ground – and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold – and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and thare a good deal.

It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down and rool over.

But i kept in, and aked with glory.

Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.

I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life – on ice.

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.

I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.

I didn't kno how tew proceed.

Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.

Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.

I had saw enuff – more happyness than belonged tew me – and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt – good.

II.

SUM NATRAL HISTORY

Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history.

It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath are built out ov it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump.

The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail.

Natral history iz dogg cheap.

To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital necessary for the naturalizing bizzness.

Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes?

This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger, and the elastick flea.

The Bible sez, "The grasshopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible tew say anything that warnt so.

When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little while thare gits tew be plenty ov them.

They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin.

Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can make sum good time.

They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick another grasshopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint.

When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and then they bekum a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day.

Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness, but they may be; we don't even know what we want most.

I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the grass and cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked.

But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the grasshops.

I never see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.

They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.

A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides – the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway – but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.

If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.

Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.

It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.

Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.

It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.

If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.

If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.

If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.

The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the Flea.

They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.

They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.

They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.

It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.

I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.

They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.

Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place.

If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.

Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.

III.

LIVE YANKEES

Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize and curiosty.

In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step: thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful; slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay.

In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them wherever they go.

The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy words foreshadder a proffit.

They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the histry ov their invenshuns.

The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on the trak.

He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill.

He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a proffit.

He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk with the proprierty ov tunneling it.

He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and maiks a happy bargin.

You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov Mahomet.

Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop.

Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew save them by the job.

He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu England kan whip the universe.

If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters, Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them.

If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs, Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening.

If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan turns in the water power ov Niagara.

In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant "Heow air yer?"

If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a dicker with Jonathan.

Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin.

Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre.

IV.

LINCH-PINS

I want to bet 3 Dollars, that no man ever matched himself agin the Devil, but what he got beat.

And I want to bet one dollar and seventy-five cents more, that thare is no villin on airth so grately mean az he who reccommends a vice that he has too mutch prudence to indulge in himself.

I hav held, that if a man iz virtuous, he kan't be ignorant; and i still hold it.

Aim hi, if you strike low. The man who undertakes tew jump 375 feet ahed, will sertinly make a good try.

I never knu a man who was alwus anxious tew repent uv his sins before he had committed them, who didn't want the sharpest kind ov watching.

"Don't put oph till to-morrow what kan be did to-day." It is better even to do a foolish thing at onst, if you have positiffly made up yure mind to do it.

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare.

Faith don't appear to me tew be ennything more than tip top good sense; all the faith thare is in this world now wont keep a man from falling to the bottom of a well if he lets go ov the curb to spit on hiz hands.

When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it?

I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration.

"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut, who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so.

Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke.

A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he haz a right tew continny on so.

I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin.

Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse – it iz jess so with the hollerhauk.

The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before.

The world looks with kold respek upon an ackt ov justiss, but heave up their hats at a display ov mersy. Yet the one iz the strength ov virtue, while the other iz most often its gratest weakness.

A mind that haz more imaginashun than sense iz like a goose – fust rate tew fli down hill.

I don't think the world haz enny Civilizashun tew spare, but i think she haz more than she kan manage well.

Poetri, tew be excellent, wants tew be like natur, but about 4 times az big.

V.

GOOSE TALK

The goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud.

They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, is nearer right.

These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win.

But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn't hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.

They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the gosling lies hidd.

The gosling iz the goose's babe.

The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on sumboddy's vacant lot.

They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the goose.

They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a profound sekret to this day.

When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew pleaze; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.

They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.

But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands.

I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this.

VI.

JOSH BILLINGS: HIZ SHADE TREE

Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so hansum az i am now, i waz a feller citizen in one ov the sudden towns, which during the past 25 years, hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in the western country. At that time I waz verry ritch and owned a house, and lot. At one corner, on mi lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az awkward az a shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a nort-west storm. I had sum pride in them days, and longed to put that shade tree out ov misery.

The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a mingling ov the silver popular, which haz sich uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp enuff; but altho i hav lived on the edge ov the wilderness for more than half ov mi life, i never yet saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder crept out ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton cruelty.

But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and that waz, the tree had got tew be trimmed. I had four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same side ov the street that I did, and the other two didn't.

They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny soothsaying done, i went tu them.

I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz always willing tew give advice.

Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity offered, how the tree should be clipped.

The first one suggested to leave the lower branches intact, and take oph the head ov the tree, and then it would soon form a cone, compact and graceful, like an umbreller on duty.

This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan.

The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively must cum off.

The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz right; and the fourth one never saw a tree ov that kind trimmed but one way, which he suggested in sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a pashunt in the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew take enny thing.

After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss ov the kase, i went tew work like a humbel christshun tew carry the whole ov them out.

I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the Lord watch over mi poor shade tree!) was nothing but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too crooked to fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even for a hitching post.

1st Moral – Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony.

2nd Moral – If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the willfullness ov their judgments.

3rd Moral – Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew receive them without taking them.

4th Moral – One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan.

VII.

JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS

Shortfellow.– Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart. Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads. If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust 100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple having enny pedigree?

If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in the graveyards – courteous libels.

I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff, bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a dock rat's.

Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern hearse hoss.

Bigfellow.– Trout fishing iz a good deal like painting picktures – you have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and the other waz a simple old nigger; but i think the old dark waz the best fisher ov the two.

He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or hiz grasshopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not.

This old Afrikan alwus started out for trout just as a dorg duz for mischief, the other way from whare he waz going, and never cum back without a trophy. The best kind of a trout pole for brook-fishing grows along side ov the brook. They are black alder, and have the same kind ov a taper that a rat tarrier's tale duz. Twelve foot is long enuff for the pole, and the brook that don't raize them somewhare on its banks iz not a good trout stream. But thare aint room enuff in a letter for me tew talk trout. Go with me sumtime next May among the mountains, and i will show yu how tew win theze little spotted morsels from their wet and noisy homes. But – though I like company generally – tew be honest about it, trout fishing iz a good deal like sparking – one feller at a time iz enuff.

Littlefellow.– Yu tell me in your letter "that musik iz yure egstatick bliss; that yure soul iz sot tew musick, and feeds on its gorgous viands." I am glad tew hear yu say so, for now i know yu won't never du enny big mischief in this world. Ennyboddy who loves musick az much az yu say you do, don't want enny other kind ov oats. I am unfortunate in this direkshun. I don't kno one note from another, unless it iz a bank-note, and i never had enny ear for musick since i waz a boy. Once in a while, in them daze, the schoolmarm, in lifting me up off from the bench by the ears tew see how heavy i waz, would start the musick out of me. I never tended but one gorgous opera in my life, and it won't never be convenient for me tew tend another. A forrin woman sung sum ov the "gorgous viands" yu speak ov. She was very fat herself, and want very thoroughly drest about the neck and naber hood. She threw her head back like a sled runner, and yelled az tho she had a rat on her. I expekted every minnit tew see her arrested for breaking the piece. I suppose if i had the right kind ov taste for gorgous vittles, this kind ov musick would eat me good. I heard a milkmaid once sing, in a cow-yard, as she sot by the side ov a heifer just as the sun waz setting. It waz a love story song. Perhaps there was no gorge in it; but there waz sumthing in it that made me feel sorry aul over. This iz aul i kno about musick. I could listen aul day tew that kind ov soft sadness she sung about, and feel lonesum and lonesummer aul the time.

VIII.

MONOGRAFFS

The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting.

He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.

Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable.

Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness – dreadful sick, and kan't vomit.

The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.

He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.

He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.

He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.

He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.

He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.