Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.

He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.

He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.

I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.

This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.

Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.

Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country.

The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him.

Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov.

Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse.

The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the Phunny Phellow, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in seazon; attends every boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.

The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.

He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he will git hiz reward herafter – when the birds get theirs.

IX.

HONESTA IZ THE BEST POLISY

The author ov this proverb waz either a very shrude man, or he acksidentily spoke what he didn't think.

Honesta iz, in mi opinyun, a mere matter ov polisy.

Man iz, waz, and alwus will be, a dishonest critter by natur.

It iz az natral for him tew steal when he wants tew, az it iz tew blo hiz noze.

In order tew git sosiety into decent shape, so that the masheen could be run without a continual bust, it waz absolutely necessary that man should make himself honest.

If that hadn't hav bin did, it wouldn't hav bin safe tew leave a saw-mill out of doors after dark. Hence honesta bekum a matter ov polisy, and it works well.

The fear ov the law here, and the law hereafter, haz furnished us sum very clever specimens of Christianity.

Serpoze thare waz no law agin 2 wives, how menny men iz thare in yure naberhood, that wouldn't sustain the law?

I hav thought that aul the virtues, and aul the affekskuns, (except the few which are instinkts, and which we and the dogs have just about alike,) are mere opprashuns of polisy.

Ov course the virtews improve by hoeing, and mankind haz bekum better, just az they hav bekum richer, by keeping their munny and morals at 10 per cent. interest.

Menny folks are down on luxurys, and plum puddin, but i aint; the more puddin folks hav, the more they will develop.

Stop the hanker in human natur for any more plum puddin, and nu bonnets, and in about 450 years, men and wimmin would all go tew grass, az Nebucunesser did.

Once more, honesta and virtew, in the lump, are not natral, but matters ov polisy; i may be wrong about this, but if i am, enny boddy else kan git wrong the same way i hav, by asking himself about hiz own human natur.

Human natur iz the same aul over north amerika, except in those places whare they subsist by playing poker, and thare it depends a good deal upon the number of aces in a pack; i hav seen sum packs that had 9 aces in them, upon the principle that 5 aces will beat 4 aces and a king.

X.

GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT

AT BILLINGSVILLEOct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20thJOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER

Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash.

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.

The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.

The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.

FUST DAY

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.

Thare waz thirteen entries.

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.

SEKOND DAY

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.

THIRD DAY

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.

FOURTH DAY

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.

Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns.

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.

FIFTH DAY

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.

One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.

At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.

XI.

JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION

Dear World: —

I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers:

I am a black Republican, with white antycedents.

I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly.

I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in the Kingdom ov Heaven.

I believe in the doktrine ov secession – if i don't like my home, and am 21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me.

I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our citizens.

I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew say.

Yours, tenderly,Josh Billings.

XII.

COLD PIECES

It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy most are alwus envying somebody else.

Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade.

Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant, – criticism is a mere string and plummet, – the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines.

Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I should have wrote it.

Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true.

Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow.

If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder.

Passion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz.

Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still.

Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much virtue, energy, or wisdum.

Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who can slide up hill.

A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very poor judge ov himself.

What a cumfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend! tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overkum all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sass with, in a cloudy day.

One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to please.

I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love ov a father for a daughter.

I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut up tew enny advantage into village lots.

I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant tew forgit than tew remember.

Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and then gitting awl we want.

I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the desires that God haz given us.

Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but, in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness.

The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus professing grate luv for others.

Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted.

Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like adversity, – adversity iz the hunger ov the soul.

Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world.

XIII.

LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS

My Dear Press:

Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin dispensing?"

Briefly thus i reply:

Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav "tramp'd – tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i think i kant tell.

Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick.

Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense.

I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a flower, hard tew diskribe.

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.

It soon bekums hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3 years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their holes and only cum out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid.

I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi telling one poor one.

Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure.

Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence: a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel.

Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face.

Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest.

Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it.

I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could hav had it pattented and no questions asked.

If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan then stick yure thum into them anywhare.

But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a comick lektur.

A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto him.

Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop and explane a joke.

I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in Massachewsetts.

I don't kno whether it waz a success or not: awl i kno iz i felt good myself.

Humurous lekturs, without the aid ov canvass or pantomime, are tuff tew do.

I think now i shall either git up a philosophicall lektur on the culler ov the Red Sea, or the hump ov the cammel's back, or quit lekturing.

I kan steal a good philosophicall lektur out ov sum library; but these cussed humurous lekturs hav so mutch original in them (or ought to hav) that yu kant kalkulate on them for certain – they are like twins, they kant be had nor they kant be stopped.

Upon the whole, az near az i kan guess, mi opinyun iz that humor iz a natral dissease, that a man kant ketch nor kant giv tew ennyboddy else.

XIV.

WISDUM CHUNCKS

The best time ov the moon to plant beans iz when – the grownd iz aul rite.

Slovens are always the fust tew caul our attenshun tew their slovenness, by their exkewses for it.

Don't tawk so mutch, my friend! Yu don't kno but little, and ort tew be saving ov it.

Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine – rung, and then turned out to critysize.

The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut, into a flock. Avoyd single burds.

Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look mad.

Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov religun – enormittys that make h – l blossom like the rose.

Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality sumwhare.

I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss steps on hiz soar tow.

We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are either false, or are old things spiled bi altering.

What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity.

Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess.

Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity; one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness.

The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness.

Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ.

What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git.

Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety.

Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody.

Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches.

Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov mistaking flattery for praze.

Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride.

Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood sukseed or fale?

Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs in.

Deep thinkers laff with their mowth.

A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy else than he knows himself.

Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out.

The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things – the Bible, and the looking-glass.

Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say.

XV.

BILLIARDS

Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.

It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.

It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.

They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.

Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's turn fur punching comes on.

But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.

One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.

Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.

This iz billyards.

XVI.

JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES."

Gentlemen and Mister Chairman: —

I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with, – I should az soon think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer, – when a people devote aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew prevale.

Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their heels.

Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.

"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest," – thare iz no laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday.

I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus another suckcess.

Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces.

Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz, he went oph and hung hisself.

He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be feared.

I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew.

XVII.

BILLINGS ON PILLS

P'okeepsie, Jan. 1st, 1867.

Dear Dokter Bonesett:

Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.

I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov their size i ever contended with.

Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.

If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our risk.

In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,

Josh Billings.

POULTISS

Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man.

Theze pills are of rutes – rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.

These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff – are good for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding – are sertin tew heal hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails – will remove warts, windgauls and wens – destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness – will soothe the sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.

They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.

Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.

On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other – with a napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz pinting with the grub hoe – them iz the mountains whare he gits the rutes.

On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, "Hocus pocus, quod constallus," which being biled down means, "purely vegetabels."

For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author.

(Signed) Barnabass Bonesett, M.D.

XVIII.

JOSH IN SARATOGA

Saratoga, Sept. 8, 1867.

Dear Weekly: – Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place. I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately.

Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from white swellings az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid.

Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt familys.

Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive.