Kate & Alf

Oak Park director, Walter Steinbach, was discussing a matter with the reception staff as Kate tried to inconspicuously hurry past him. Not an easy task, given that all care staff were expected to wear the unflattering fuchsia-pink top and pants uniform that did little to enhance her mood or figure.

‘You’re late,’ Steinbach barked, in the voice usually reserved for non-compliant and unruly kindergarten visitors.

And you’re still alive? Kate felt like snapping back at him. With his hollowing facial features and the sparse few hairs that remained on his head, it was often said he was more ancient than the care home itself. It was just as well he rarely made an appearance.

‘Sorry, Mr Steinbach’ she found herself saying, ignoring his eagle-eyed stare of disapproval as it followed her towards the staff room. Only fellow care-worker Tina was in the staff room as she strode over to her locker to place her belongings and swap her trainers for comfy pumps. Kate exhaled, relieved that it wasn’t anyone else from the team. The last thing she felt like undergoing was in-depth questioning.

‘Morning, good weekend?’ Tina asked, pouring herself a coffee.

‘Yes, fine thanks.’ She closed her locker and readjusted her name plate on the front of her top. ‘Best get a move on. I’ve already had Steinbach on my case.’ Sighing, she opened the door and hurriedly made her way up to the East Wing.

‘Morning, Hilda.’ She tapped gently against the door, awaiting her usual instruction from the other side. Nothing came.

‘Hilda – can you hear me? Is it okay for me to come in?’ Kate asked for a second time, impatient. A faint, desperate rasping could be heard in response and she felt her pulse quickening anxiously as she quickly pushed open the door. ‘Hilda?’

What if this time it was genuine?

Hilda was propped up in bed, wide-eyed and pointing rapidly to her throat whilst continuing with the awful grating sound from her windpipe. Acting immediately, Kate grabbed a nearby glass of water and tilted back Hilda’s small head, instructing her to drink. After just a couple of sips, Hilda’s breathing returned to normal and she cleared her throat.

‘Thank you so much, dear Kate. I was afraid for a moment there that I was about to take my last breath.’ Hilda said in her usual crisp, clear voice. ‘It was a bluebottle, you see.’

Relieved, Kate thought to herself that she really must be out of sorts to fall for Hypochondriac Hilda’s latest stunt. ‘A bluebottle?’ She glanced at the little lady now lying angelically in her blue nightgown, her straight, grey, pixie-cut hair sticking up awkwardly in places.

Clearly recovered and bright as a daisy, Hilda threw back her floral duvet and shuffled her weight to the edge of the bed, gripping Kate’s hand as she struggled to stand.

‘Yes, it’s been in here the whole night buzzing away, keeping me awake. It was only as I heard you on the stairs and was about to call out that it flew into my mouth!’

Helping Hilda walk the short distance to the en suite, Kate returned to the dresser, selecting Hilda’s ‘Monday’ outfit.

‘Goodness, that’s terrible, Hilda. Especially as it’s the third time this has happened. What with the bumble bee and the spider last month…’

A small sigh came from above the washbasin, where Hilda was gently soaping her face with a flannel. ‘I know, dear. I am beginning to wonder if the Lord has other plans for me. Don’t forget the cockroach, either. It’s only a matter of time before those eggs it laid in my ear canal begin to hatch.’

Kate smiled broadly for the first time that day.

Hilda was patting her frail frame dry with a small towel as the first of the questions came unexpectedly. ‘So, dear Kate, you’re ever so quiet and we all know that it was your surprise party this weekend. Don’t keep me in suspense. Anything special happen, dear?’ she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

Kate blushed and inwardly grimaced.

By the time she had helped Hilda to dress and guide her walking frame to the breakfast room to join the already nearly full tables, she had divulged the highlights of her weekend. She wasn’t one for lying – it wasn’t in her nature – but instead of focusing on the main disappointment, she instead concentrated on the few special markers. Namely, her new puppy, Sam, who she’d already grown to adore.

Just as she was about to continue her round, she smiled weakly as she saw a squat, rounded woman with flame-red hair approaching. Her heart sank a little. Fellow care- worker Tasha lived up to her Scottish reputation and fiery hair. She also had such a loose mouth Kate was in no doubt that the details of her party would be wormed out of her and circulated around the entire home before the first spoonful of porridge was even served.

‘Morning, luv, you look tired. I heard you were late – and Steinbach’s on the prowl today.’

Kate averted her glance from the care rota on the wall. She still had three residents to attend to for the breakfast shift. ‘Morning! I know, it was just my luck that he caught me on the way in.’

Tasha angled her body and discreetly took her electronic cigarette from her pocket and faced the wall, inhaling deeply. ‘So how’d it go? Did he propose? Where’s the ring – come on let’s have a look!’ Using her free hand, she reached out for Kate’s.

Feebly holding her own ringless hand out, Kate waved it in front of Tasha, trying to hide her embarrassment. ‘No proposal, unfortunately, but it was such a lovely party. I had a great time – Alf really did go to town on the thought behind it. Plus he got me a puppy.’

Tasha spluttered on her electronic cigarette vapour. ‘He got you a puppy? What the blooming hell did you want a puppy for?’ She looked at Kate with an incredulous expression.

Kate felt her face flush with heat and hoped her cheeks weren’t burning a bright- crimson colour. ‘Oh, he’s very cute. We’ve called him Sam. I happen to feel it was a lovely gesture. Alf’s already commented how much more of a family home it feels now we’ve got Sam – and I have to say I agree.’

Tasha replaced her cigarette in her pocket and raised an eyebrow mockingly. ‘Well, I suppose it’s good practice for you – all those pisses and shits you’ll be cleaning up will be great preparation for when you decide to have your own wee ‘un.’

Flinching at her choice of words, Kate raised a warning eyebrow as Steinbach appeared on the far side of the room. ‘Best get back to work. I don’t want to be caught out a second time today.’

Grateful to Steinbach for the reprieve, Kate felt her heart aching as Tasha’s words echoed in her mind. She mounted the stairs towards Alan’s room and tried not to allow the recurring agony she’d desperately spent the past twenty-four hours squashing. It had been four years since the miscarriage; four years without either of them really acknowledging the elephant in the room that lurked silently between them – the prospect of future children and the loss of the child they had created. Sure, Alf had made the odd reference to the future with a family of their own. But gifting her a puppy? Was this his way of trying to pacify her quiet need for something more? She couldn’t help but torment herself with the underlying reasons of his gift choice.

She’d tried to share her concern with Megan – although rather cryptically and indirectly, for it seemed no one, even Alf, was truly aware of how the miscarriage still affected her. Yet Megan hadn’t questioned his motives in the same way that she had… her friend’s theory was set upon the puppy being a tactical distraction to delay the proposal further.

Internally, she couldn’t find much peace around the answer. Alf had never been of a manipulative nature…Surely he hadn’t assumed that a puppy could replace her deeper yearning for a child?

Taking a deep breath, she reached the top of the staircase and turned right into the corridor, determined to stop the negative thoughts and concentrate on the notion that his heart had been in the right place when he’d considered the puppy as something she would love. It was of little consequence that he hadn’t given a second thought to the fact that both of them worked and a puppy needed constant attention…

‘Ah, there she is, the very woman I was hoping to see on this fine Monday morning.’ Alan stood tall and wide in the doorframe wearing a cream tweed woollen suit and brandishing a shiny silver pocket watch in her direction.

‘Morning, Alan.’ Kate smiled, always happy to see the man who transported her to a flamboyant and well-mannered bygone time. Despite nearing eighty-eight, he was as able-bodied and fit as any man half his age.

Picking up his copy of The Times from his sideboard, he gently closed the door behind him.

‘There isn’t anything much I need assistance with this morning, Kate, yet I would be honoured if you’d accompany me on the short journey to the breakfast lounge.’

‘Of course.’

Walking carefully beside Kate, Alan felt compelled to ask. ‘I couldn’t help observing the frown on that beautiful face of yours as you approached. Is something rather the matter?’

Never being one to pry and more likely to discuss quantum physics than one’s personal life, Alan’s question caught Kate off-guard. Was she really emitting such a distracted energy that even Alan had needed to comment on it?

Trying to lighten her mood, she shyly brushed a stray hair from her face and gave a nervous giggle. ‘I had a bit of an unexpected turn of events this weekend, if I’m honest. Not exactly panning out the way I had thought it would. The result was that my partner gifted me with a puppy. It’s the cutest little thing, but I guess I’m a bit worried about how I’ll cope. What with working all day and it being left to its own devices…’

Alan nodded silently, considering Kate’s predicament. He wasn’t a man of many words when it came to relationships, especially since living out the last seventeen years of his life as a widow at Oak Park. Yet he’d heard a thing or two along the grapevine about Kate’s partnership. Her admission didn’t sit well with him. He’d been expecting to hear news of a marriage proposal. At least, that’s what the women had been discussing at dinner last night.

‘Why don’t you allow me to have a word with Mr Steinbach. We’re at a loss for animal companionship here and I’m sure I’d not only be speaking for myself when I say we’d welcome a puppy amongst our ranks. Your daily shift ends at four – I’m more than certain we can find a way to keep the little chappie entertained and out of trouble whilst you work.’

Kate felt an overwhelming surge of relief and gratitude as she looked up into Alan’s smoky grey eyes in surprise. ‘Oh Alan, would you really do that for me?’

‘Well, I can’t make any promises – you know how stiff Steinbach can be at times. But I’m certain if anyone can, it’s me that can convince the old fellow.’ He winked at Kate.

Reaching the breakfast room, Alan promised to inform Kate as soon as he’d had a chance to speak with Steinbach.

Vivian took another generous sip from her can of Guinness and looked at the clock on the wall of her sitting room. Kate was running late. Not that she minded; she rarely bothered with the breakfast round – she’d never been able to stomach a morsel of food before eleven anyway. But today was special – their Kate was likely to be full of beans about her proposal. They couldn’t wait to hear the full details. They only hoped things had gone as she’d expected and Alf hadn’t let her down.

‘I bet you it’s Hypo Hilda’s fault – probably got a case of incurable warts to moan about.’

Lillian chuckled at her friend’s comment, fidgeting nervously with the buttons on her cardigan and ignoring the gentle grumbling sounds from her stomach.

‘Oh, I do wish she’d hurry up, Viv – I ain’t half hungry.’

A knock at the door caused them both to smile in excitement. ‘Come in, love, we’re all ready for you.’

Kate opened the door in a flurry and swept into the room briskly, clutching the Tupperware box of birthday cake to her chest. ‘Morning, ladies. Sorry I’m late. Alan asked me to walk him down to the breakfast lounge and then I got caught up with Hilda – she had a fit and choked on her boiled egg.’

‘Good riddance, I say’ Vivian piped up, eyes immediately scanning Kate’s ring finger and noticing its lack of sparkle.

‘Viv, you mustn’t talk like that!’ Lillian scolded. ‘It could be you next.’

‘Over my dead body’ Vivian retorted, taking another generous gulp of Guinness.

Turning her attention to Kate, Lillian quickly took in her harassed appearance and tell-tale lack of engagement ring. She stole a glance at Vivian, who pursed her lips ever so slightly in disappointment. It was just as they’d feared.

‘So how was the party? Did you have a nice time? We’d like to hear all about it. Come and sit down,’ Vivian said tactfully, patting the spare seat they’d purposely prepared for Kate’s arrival.

Looking into the kindly eyes of her two best friends and charges at the care home, Kate felt her façade crumble even before she’d sat herself in the comfortable chair they’d set out especially for her. ‘Oh, Viv, Lil – I feel so stupid…’

Hiccupping through tears, for the first time in twenty-four hours Kate could finally open up about her feelings on the matter.

Vivian and Lillian sat quietly as they listened in silent compassion to young Kate’s dilemma. Neither commented or tutted in the usual way they would behave towards the other residents, because for both of them Kate was like the daughter they’d never had. And both of them could feel the disappointment and pain in each word.

Only when Kate finished spluttering through her tears about her confusion on the whole matter did Lillian finally pipe up.

‘Let me tell you a story, darling, about my second husband Bobbi….’

It was then that Kate grinned. She’d heard the story countless times. Bobbi was the second of five husbands that Lillian had worked her way through. She happened to also know that Bobbi was the only one who had failed to propose to Lillian for a whole year before Lillian took matters into her own hands.

She had a feeling it was time to pay more attention…

Chapter 4

Sinking back against the cream leather sofa cushions, Kate’s eyes swept around the small living room of the house she shared with Alf. Its soft pastel-green walls had once seemed so welcoming and relaxing, yet now the paint was marked and scuffed in places. The ash wood furniture no longer looked fitting – it appeared bulky and dated. Even the imitation flowers that when new had often been mistaken for being real, had faded with age. She sat up straighter, noticing that the laminated flooring was uneven and bubbled in places – most likely through water damage at some point. She looked down at Sam as he whimpered loudly, readjusting himself in the nook of Kate’s arm.

‘It’s okay, sweetie, I’m not going anywhere.’

Sam gently closed his eyes again and Kate relaxed back into place. The house was in silence, save for the ticking of the wall clock. It was a rarity that she could just sit in complete stillness; her day had been long and demanding, not to mention emotionally exhausting. For once she was grateful that Alf was working late. She’d even decided that she didn’t have the energy to prepare dinner and would be suggesting a takeaway as soon as he arrived home.

Yet the room decoration unsettled her. How long had they been living in ignorance? It seemed astonishing to her that she hadn’t noticed the grubbiness and lack of warmth in the room previously. Granted, they hadn’t decorated properly in four years, but it was still a shock to her to realise that things had become so neglected.

Is that what had happened to their relationship too? She couldn’t get away from the overbearing thoughts that had been playing on her mind since the party. It had helped a little to chat with Vivian and Lil, but on reflection, they’d not really provided any answers; they’d only listened to her. She knew that she should have opened up to Alf yesterday; he’d been concerned by her lack of talkativeness and expressed it on more than one occasion, but they’d both been enthralled with the puppy and she’d feigned a hangover every time he looked at her questioningly.

She didn’t have the energy for the discussion that they needed to have. There were so many things floating around in her head, but she needed first to access her true feelings. She’d been so fixated on the proposal that she’d failed to pay attention to the niggling doubts that had been creeping into her emotions of late. She knew deep inside that all these months of focusing on an engagement was simply a way of getting some sort of commitment from Alf. A commitment that he hadn’t given her in another respect; that of discussing trying for another baby together at some point. She’d been convincing herself that if he was ready to marry her, then a baby was sure to follow…

She hadn’t been ready to acknowledge her subconscious need for a family before now, but things had come to a head inside of her since the party. She’d been deluding herself for so long; she desperately wanted a child. Yet, what if by the time they began trying, she couldn’t have any more children? She was thirty-two… the clock was already beginning to tick fast….

There was no doubt that she loved Alf more than anything, but everything about their situation was an indicator of them not being as on top of things as they could have been. Their relationship was dulled and in desperate need of repair. Why hadn’t either of them noticed it sooner? Addressed it sooner?

Sam’s eyes flew open and his small head lifted instantaneously as Alf’s footsteps could be heard on the gravel outside the street door. His body tensed and he whimpered softly, looking at Kate for reassurance.

With a start, she glanced at the clock, wondering why Alf was home earlier than he’d said – then realised with dismay that she’d spent almost an hour lost in her thoughts.

The street door closed gently and Kate heard a thud as something heavy hit the wooden laminate flooring in the hallway.

‘Hi babe, I’m in here.’ Remaining on the sofa, she made no move to get up.

Alf pushed the half-glass door open and smiled at Kate as he took off his black suit jacket. ‘Hey, darling. You look relaxed.’ He walked over to kiss her, loosening his pink tie as he bent down and placed a peck on her forehead. ‘Why’s the place in silence?’ He ruffled Sam’s fur. ‘Hello, mate. Hope you’re behaving for your mum.’

‘Yes, he’s been good,’ Kate replied with a yawn as Alf flopped down in the armchair opposite, kicking off his shoes as he did so. She watched as he picked up the TV remote and pressed the standby button. The room was flooded with sound, making her wince.

‘It’s weird coming home and seeing you sat in here. Usually you’re off doing a thousand things,’ he joked, lowering the volume of the TV a little. ‘Did you have a good day? Hangover wore off?’

Kate nodded and stood up, placing Sam on the floor. ‘I just had a demanding day with Hilda.’ She noticed Alf’s attention had been caught by something on the TV. ‘I was thinking we could get a Chinese takeaway? I don’t fancy cooking.’

Alf shrugged. ‘Sure, whatever you fancy. I’m easily pleased.’ He didn’t look away from the screen.

‘Okay, I’ll go and ring them. I’ll just order the usual.’ She walked into the hallway to pick up the handset, immediately noticing the large sports holdall at the foot of the stairs.

‘Er, Alf, what’s this bag?’

Alf’s head appeared around the doorway and she noticed by the dark circles under his eyes that he looked as tired as she felt. ‘Oh – I forgot about that. It’s Marcus’. He suddenly looked sheepish. ‘I had a call from him out of the blue this morning. He’s split up with his missus and moved back down from Leeds.’

Kate rubbed her face in confusion and sighed. ‘Marcus? Is he the one that you grew up with?’ What was Alf doing with his bag?

‘Yes, he’s stuck for a place to stay, you see. So I told him he could crash here for a few days.’

‘Are you serious? You’re only just telling me this now?’ Kate replied, her voice rising and suddenly irate. She shook her head in disbelief.

‘Calm down. He’s not a bad fella – you’ll really like him. I didn’t know what else to do. He’s in a right state. It wasn’t until after I spoke to you that he dropped off his stuff at my office. I didn’t expect him to actually take me up on the offer.’

‘Fine, whatever.’ Kate shrugged, defeated. She really didn’t have the energy for an argument. Ignoring Alf’s glare, she sighed and walked over to the hallway dresser, scrabbling around in the messy drawer to find the Chinese take-away menu.

‘Don’t be like that – it’s only for a few days. Besides, I told him it’s best to come first thing tomorrow. He’s made arrangements to stay with his sister tonight. What with her four kids and the brother-in-law that doesn’t like him – he won’t be welcome there any longer.’

‘Look, it’s fine,’ Kate snapped, picking up the phone handset and punching in the take-away number. ‘I’ll get the spare room sorted.’ She heard the line starting to ring and was grateful for the distraction.

She turned her back toward Alf, silently seething. Did they not have enough of their own unsaid issues without those of a childhood friend?

Alf watched as Kate picked at her food, barely lifting the fork to her lips. He’d tried endlessly to make light conversation, but she’d shot him down with one-word answers. He was tired of the tension. Even Sam seemed to have picked up that something wasn’t right and was wisely tucked away in the corner of his box.

He reached for another prawn ball and dipped it into the sweet and sour sauce, taking a bite. ‘Can I have your water chestnuts?’ he asked, pointing his fork to Kate’s plate. ‘I know you don’t like them.’

Kate looked up with a troubled expression. ‘Sure.’ She stabbed her fork into the visible chestnuts and using her knife, scraped them off onto the side of Alf’s plate. ‘I do like them, but I’m not very hungry tonight.’

‘I can see that. You’ve barely touched your food. Is everything okay?’ Concerned, he set down his cutlery and looked straight at her. ‘This isn’t about Marcus staying is it? Because if so I can always tell him that plans have changed.’

She was quick to answer. ‘No, don’t do that. It’s fine for Marcus to stay – besides I’ve already put clean bedding in the spare room now.’ She met his eyes. ‘I just feel tired, that’s all.’

‘Okay, as long as you’re sure.’ He reached across to squeeze her hand. ‘You look shattered, though – and you must be if you’re imagining that you do actually like water chestnuts.’ His smile ceased as Kate snatched away her hand.

‘Why do you always think you know everything about me?’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘Yes, I do like water chestnuts and I have done so for a long time.’ She stood up from the table, taking her plate with her and walked to the dustbin. ‘Clearly you haven’t been paying attention.’

‘There’s no need to snap at me, Kate. And, for the record, I do know a great deal about you. In case you haven’t noticed we’ve spent the last seven years living together.’

Scraping her food off the china plate angrily into the dustbin, Kate didn’t rise to his remark. It was on the tip of her tongue to point out that she had very much noticed they’d spent nearly the last decade living together. And that was the problem. Was it ever going to be anything more than just two people living together, like two flatmates? Was there ever going to be any real mention of a family or proper future together?

‘Like I said, I’m tired. I think I’ll have an early night.’ She rinsed her plate under the tap, before plunging it into the bowl of soapy dishwater. ‘Just leave everything in the sink. I’ll do it in the morning.’

Alf took a sip of water to stop himself from saying something he’d regret. Replacing his glass on the table, he picked up a napkin and dabbed at his mouth. Kate was already walking out of the kitchen. ‘Okay. Good night.’