Sex & Intimacy 101

Now to help you out on this issue, I am not going to go straight into teaching you how to have sex. There are some vital things I am going to teach you that are fundamental. A great deal of books teach about bonking,show sex positions and leave you to them. But sex positions mean nothing if you don’t know sex basics. Learning sex positions before getting the basics is like learning punches and kicks before you learn fighting stances and conditioning your body. It’s like learning how to pray before you learn how to be a Christian. And this is why we are often taught, ‘‘seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all this things will be added unto you.’’(Matthew 6:33). Kunfu masters often provoke their students to anger because a student wants to spend all the zeal in learning how to fight. The master wants to teach his student the principles, but the student insists on fighting methods. I was often impatient when my guitar instructor wanted me to learn chords while I wanted to learn songs. He had tried to explain this to me in many words that chords come before songs, however, he was overcome by weak speech. He could have just said to me in King James rendition that ‘‘seek ye first the Chords and all these songs shall be added unto you.’’ And with sex is the same thing, we have to seek first the basics and all these things shall be added to us. To have good sex you have to know things, which are not essentially sexual but part of sex, so that you can build on that to produce exhilarating orgasmic experience. For those of you who think that sexual pleasure is sin...why do you think God made the body and made it sexual? Why did he make nerves and parts of the body that are pleasurable to touch if he didn’t want us to enjoy sexual pleasure? God deliberately made Eve sexually attractive and he deliberately made Adam horny and eager to have her. There is no evil in wanting your man and wanting him so badly. There is no wrong in a man wanting to squeeze his lover and sex her till the cops come knocking. This desire is natural and God designed. Mr, you will find the breast of your woman attractive and that’s a natural thing. If there is nothing wrong with eating food, then there is nothing wrong with having legitimate and pleasurable sex. In the very bible, that we love to make too righteous for sex teaching, the woman in Song of Songs says to her man that ‘‘ may my beloved come into his garden and eat of its choice fruits!’’ (Songs of songs 4:16). She is talking about sex and there is no need to hide it .The garden mentioned herein is probably the one down there (that amazon forest).The other verse says to you, and that is if you are a man who likes to have good sex, that ‘‘As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love’’,(Proverbs 5:19). So these breasts must satisfy you. I don’t care if you lick them or just put your face on them and enjoy the 37 ° (degrees celsius) body temperature.

Sex is gooooood. That is why Paul encouraged lovers to not sexually abscond from each other (1 Corinthians 7:5), and the same Paul discouraged following the desires of the flesh. The desire of the body is having sex with your husband but the desire of the flesh is adultery. Many of us Pastors think that sex with our wives is sinful. We may not say so in words, but our actions speak volumes. We devote more time to prayer than sex, refuse to have good sex before preaching only to pounce on young girls at church. We end up dissatisfied and the result is we are seduced by women who think they know how to give a man the kind of sex he has always dreamt of. But wait till you marry her, and you will wish you stuck to your wife. God gave you a wife and you wasted her,‘‘For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?’’ (Proverbs 5:20). The woman of your matrimonial dreams is a beautiful person. You should be able to say to her, ‘‘the curves of your thighs are like jewels, The work of the hands of a skillful workman’’,(Songs of Songs 7:1).I am quoting from the bible dear...Admire her and stop that ‘‘pastor is righteous’’ nonsense that makes you quiet when you should admire her. Ladies, you must know the feeling by now of being kissed by someone you love. You should remember that it feels sweet and compels one to say ‘‘His mouth is most sweet, Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, And this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem!’’ (Songs of songs 5:16).Solomon was talking straight sexual attraction when he says ‘‘Your navel is a rounded goblet; It lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat Set about with lilies’’,(Songs of Songs 7:2). Sex is great and never be too Christian to admit it. The guy in prison, who hasn’t seen his wife or girlfriend in years, gets my point. You who is outside the prison doors should stop playing church and give your lover something good and right for bodily edification. God made us male and Female with such distinction that men are not the same as women. But unlike poles attract...

(a) Psychological differences

The key to understanding men and women in terms of their sexuality warrants that one should know the psychological nature of each. Men and women differ so much that they are not the same in their comprehension of detail, tasking, decision, emotion, fashion, and general orientation. Until you know these things about the two genders, it will be hard to know a thing about relationship, let alone having intimate and crazy sex.

(1) Detail and memory

In the first 8 weeks, every fetal brain is intrinsically female. But there is that chemical reaction in the brain that eventually erodes the boy’s ability to have a brain like girl’s. Scientifically speaking, women’s brains are different from those of their male counterparts. It’s simply natural that women’s brains have a bigger memory than that of males. Women are search engines filled with information available upon request in their brains. My own mother often calls me from the United Kingdom where she works and she talks and talks relating every little bit of detail of things that occurred to her.My wife has a very similar nature. When I ask her how was the movie she watched by Taylor Perry, she starts going into details and already I would have to interject and say ‘‘baby, just give me the story in brief.’’ My aunt, grandmother and all the women I have known go into detail about any story they relate. As a preacher, I help women solve a lot of issues just as I help men. But women always need more time to tell me their problems because they are people of detail. And this comes naturally to women because they have 11% more neurons than men. Their memory hub in the brain is larger than that of men. Women are better at expressing emotion than men. That’s why I believe Sidney Sheldon writes beautiful novels rich in descriptive detail. Again I suspect more women read novels compared to men because novels are mostly about relationships, like the recent fifty shades of grey.

My daughter is as I write this book, only three years old. Her brother is already 6 and ‘‘threatening’’ to be 7 years. One time I thought of speaking to my son but he was busy concentrating on his play. She perceived that I was about to say something, and she did alarm her brother that ‘‘daddy wants to talk to you. ’’ But I had not even said a word. How did she know that I was about to say something to her brother? Females are much more able to recognize expressions and to express themselves more than males. This ability to decode facial expressions and to interpret feelings makes them natural psychologists and I respect them for that.

Women, unlike men, care about whether the cost of a fabric softener is $9.85 or $9.95. But to men, those prices are nothing but the same thing as long as there is $9 in the price-tag. Ask me about it—I am a man and I have struggled to understand why my wife is often caught up in moving from shop to shop looking for slightly cheaper tomatoes. That thing just pisses me off. There is no anointing in men that helps them compete with women when it comes to obsession with detail. Thanks to women coz their obsession with detail is causing manufacturers to be a bit more careful with how they make their products. A woman will return a yoghurt back to the shop without shame if she finds something ‘‘small’’ that she doesn’t like about it as long as she believes the retailer is liable for that dislike. My wife and other women I know can do this and I think it’s a female talent!

You don’t know how limited men are until you start studying women. You won’t know how incapable women are until you look into the lives of men with utter curiosity. Women are people of detail, in friendships, prices, clothes and speech. But men don’t give a hoot whether something is slightly cheaper or expensive, what matters to them is convenience. The convenient store is loaded with men who want to buy cooked sausage, grilled chicken and fries or burgers but that to women is a deliberate waste of money. Thanks to men because without them, restaurants would close down.

What does a woman’s natural inclination to detail mean? It means she will listen closely to your words as a man and will hold you accountable for every last bit of word you say. Not because she is strict but because she simply has a good memory. That’s why some men lament and feel that ladies are unforgiving. She is not unforgiving but simply has a bigger memory. So, sex will be sex but to her how you go about the whole thing will matter. It will matter as to whether your armpits smell or you got cologne on. It will also matter as to whether you kiss passionately or just to get it over with. She will be watching, feeling and sensing every detail of your actions. You are under very immense scrutiny. As you pull your trouser down, don’t think her sleepy eyes are not seeing you. Women’s love for detail simply implies that sexing one must be a careful well-anticipated move, romantic, flooded with a detailed display of affection and passion. Every part of the process must be observed. No short cuts and rushing to do ‘‘jiggy jiggy.’’ God made women the way they are deliberately. It’s high time you made love to your spouse, consciously planning every last bit of your action, being natural yet romantic. Remember she has a bigger memory than you, and if you are boring, she will remember it long enough after you have forgotten.

Do you know how your woman will know when you are cheating?: —Detail. Men overlook details but the devil is in the details. Your lady will know through the very small things you overlook that you have been cheating. The smile, attention, fragrance, receipts,screaming a girl’s name in dream, call habits and small comments and likes on social media. That’s why it’s better not to cheat and think you will get away with it. How does a woman still remember that you promised to take her out to that burger and chicken restaurant when you have long forgotten?:—memory. Women are power tanks coz they have 11% more neurons than men. ‘‘Ladies, science has proven what you’ve been saying all along: your man’s memory is worse than yours. Not only that, but their brains are smaller, at least the part that controls memories. “That’s right, that’s what the data says,” said Dr. Clifford Jack of the Mayo Clinic. “We see worse memory and worse brain volumes in men than women from [age] 40s onward.” (CNN). Over the weekend as I thought about this, I felt inferior because according to the mirror, ‘‘In a report for a psychology journal, Glasgow University researchers found that although both sexes struggled to juggle priorities, men suffered more on average and were slower than women.’’

(2) Task

Women can iron, cook and baby-sit at the same time. It’s called ‘‘multi- tasking.’’ Women’s brains afford them the ability to execute tasks that need to be repeated over and over and to also do tasks that are different in nature at the same time. You should by now be able to remember how female bank tellers have been good at helping you the last time you went to the bank.

So if you are a guy, don’t be shocked to think that while you stop at everything to talk to your lady, she might be on the phone emotionally communicating with you while at the same time doing everything else. Multitasking is powerful right? But not when it comes to sex. According Petra Zebroff, Ph.D, ‘‘Sex pleasure requires undivided attention to work properly. When attention moves off the erotic, sexual problems can arise’’ the sage doctor goes on to explain that ‘‘women, with their multi-tasking brains, are the most guilty of not giving sexual pleasure the undivided attention it needs. But it affects women differently. Women are twice more likely to encounter slow arousal and delayed or absent orgasm than men are.’’

The homework for women, whose multitasking brilliance has become a curse, is to focus more on sexual pleasure by guiding their wild minds into the activity at stake. Men have to worry less about a multitasking brain because that’s not their nature. But financial stress, loss or grief of any sort has the propensity to make men unable to concentrate during sex. Lack of control over one’s mind can result in delayed or premature orgasm.

Sex researcher, Dekker, is said by Petra to have ‘‘found when a woman turns her attention to how she feels during a sexual act — including lubrication or increased blood flow (feeling of fullness in the genitals) — she will feel more turned on’’. I think a man who is good at his game has to assume the duty of stimulating concentration in his lady and that will even take touching and speaking his erotic language to her, to take her mind out of her chores and the things that constantly disturb her. For the first time in her multi-tasking brain’s life, she will not be thinking about the fact that she forgot baby bob’s clothes on the washing line.

Men are great at manipulating objects to achieve certain movements, the same way Michael Schumacher was good at being the speed ‘‘demon’’ in his racing car, while David Bekham is known for his brilliant way of scoring balls that have a stunning curve movement. So the reason women’s football matches are not preferable to men’s famous world cup matches lies a whole lot more on natural brilliance. Men are generally better at technical things like mechanics, engineering and stuff. And I am not saying women can’t do any of those things, most of the time, men are better... Women on the other hand are better at noticing if anything is misplaced. Candy is well able to notice that a plate is missing in the kitchen compared to her husband. Women demonstrate a better recall of details than men. A study has observed that women do better at manual tasks that require precision like cooking, plaiting and putting pegs on the washing line. Women, it is observed, do better than men in mathematical calculations. Men on the other hand, do better than women on tests that require mathematical reasoning. According to sex differences in the Brain, by Doreen Kimura ‘‘ women perform better than men in both verbal memory (recalling words from lists or paragraphs) and verbal fluency (finding words that begin with a specific letter), there was a large difference in memory ability but men tend to perform better than women on certain spatial tasks. They do well on tests that involve mentally rotating an object or manipulating it in some fashion, such as imagining turning this three-dimensional object. Women tend to perform better than men on tests of perceptual speed in which subjects must rapidly identify matching items for example, pairing the house on the far left with its twin’’

Why am I telling you this?:— Because you need to know your man or woman well to give them a good screw. You need to know the person’s natural ability and their shortcomings. Apart from that, you cannot have great sex any longer that you can drive a merc without knowing its technical specifications and operations. Male brains have 8% more grey matter, while women’s brains have 12% more white matter. This means that men are (generally) better at linear progression of thoughts while women are better at gathering disparate areas of information to make decisions, a non-linear function (Paraphrase). I think God deliberately made men and women the way they are not to compete but to complement each other. Whenever we complain about the way women or men are, we are simply suggesting that we could have done a greater job at creating humans. Women are into details but men look at the bigger picture. We need both detail and the bigger picture. Women are relaters and men are visionaries, goal and achievement driven. Relationship and vision are important. Look at any woman, observe her keenly and you will realize that her weaknesses are man’s strength and her strengths are man’s weaknesses. That’s why evolution doesn’t make sense to me. If you are to look at a penis or vagina, can you honestly tell me that you would still be confident enough to believe in evolution? Charles Darwin must have been crazy...The vagina and the penis don’t seem to represent any coincidence. It looks to me like a maker deliberately designed these things. It’s a perfect fit, if not a perfect match!

(3)decision

Do I need to tell an observant man that women tend to be spontaneous decision makers who are not stable? Even if a woman is fast at deciding, she can soon change her decision—just after making it. Women are gifted in exhausting the patience of men especially when shopping. Women can tryout 10 jeans, only to buy one. A man almost instantly decides to buy a pair of shoes, hardly 3 minutes later, he is at the counter. If you want to see the real difference between a man and a woman just take them to Wal-Mart and see how each behave. My wife used to annoy the hell out of me until I realized she is like that by design.‘‘He created them male and female, and blessed them and called them Mankind’’,(Genesis 5:2). Is your lady supposing that it is reasonable to go around the shops comparing lettuce prices? Yes, its good to buy observing prices and making good decisions inspired by trivial differences but in addition to that, we have to understand that Eve is wired to function like that. The male and female thing is a God design. Even gays can’t help but have male and female. If they are both male, one will play female. Males make bold spontaneous decisions and sometimes take precious time to make decisions due to thinking. We think things through. Women think we are slow, no we are not. We are thoughtful. Ladies enjoy men’s decisive power a lot except when it’s time to buy shoes! While writing this book I thought it wise to ask my wife what she thinks of men compared to women when it comes to making a decision. ‘‘Women make decisions that are linked to a whole lot of things’’, she says ‘‘they will buy a pair of shoes, comparing it to other shoes, looking at color, style, and many other options, but men make decisions that are hardly linked to many factors. They simply get into a shop, make a minute’s worth of comparison and already they are paying for their choice’’, she concludes, adamantly viewing that as eccentric.

Though some of the men want to appear very spiritual about the kind of woman they chose. A man’s choice borders on sexual appeal. It’s not lust to be attracted as a man to your woman and fantasize about having sex with her. It’s perfectly normal. Remember, men are generally weak at recognizing and recalling details. But a woman will link her choosing a man to a whole lot of things. His cologne, appearance, voice, eye contact shape, height, lips, the way he touches things, his car and achievements. You can tell from the list of things that the decision to marry him did not come over-night. Women thus make somewhat quick yet very calculated decisions attached to a lot of things and men make slow often-risky decisions hinged on one or two solid facts after critical thinking. I am a man, and I love the way men make decisions and don’t like taking a lifetime to make small decisions due to focusing on petty things, but I also love the way my wife thinks—Although it’s petty, it has saved us from a lot of problems that my eyes were too impatient to notice. But still, I prefer my way. I am naturally wired to draw spontaneous conclusions after thinking, like turning a motorcycle in speed. Men are brilliant in making ‘‘quick’’ smart decisions in war, racing, courtroom and wherever there is rivalry.

Had it not been for women’s ‘pettiness’, most products would have been worse than they look today. Mary Marther, A renowned cognitive neurologist at Southern California university together with Nichole R. Lighthall, a neurological scientist from Duke University did some experiments that proved that women and men were fairly equal at decision making but when both genders are under stress, the study observed that men’s decisive excellence declined while women continued to make better decisions under stress and duress. A woman can decide on which diapers are better for her baby when her boyfriend has left her.

Enter K.A Bareki, when I am stressed, I simply take a break and go into a cave of silence, I will return with the solution coz in the meantime I know my brain needs space. Do you have a problem with that? Well then you have a problem with God, coz he made me that way. But we make good decisions believe me, sister. One time I was going somewhere. Then I thought it better to wear my boots with a jean and a formal shirt. I just wanted to look like a young vibrant preacher who still has his looks together. So I took them boots. But my wife thought I had concluded on the boots too soon. ‘‘Are you wearing those?’’, she asked. I gave her the look that says ‘‘why waste time?’’, to which she verbally responded ‘‘but why don’t you compare them with other pairs and see which one would be great?’’ Immediately I thought, ‘‘now that’s typical of Eve. Why the heck should I compare my boot with other shoes? I want to wear boots and that’s it.’’ My wife obviously compared me to other guys before she chose me. I was just looking at her. I had no girl catalogue. So we are really different and that sparks war all the time for immature couples. I hardly prefer to think the way my wife thinks. But behind the corner, and in secrecy, I know she is smart and often makes better choices .She is a good chooser.Yeah, she chose me. Talk about ego. I am not going to let myself down in a book by telling you that I am less smart. No way. Maybe I am even better. Yeah, whatever..

The other day, my wife and I had accompanied an ill woman to her doctor. Along the way, my wife and this lady were trying to decide on what to do since they had enquired and were informed that the said doctor is not in. They were just thinking about other options and other doctors. They were deciding like typical women. Heish! You have no idea how I was feeling when two women were acting like Eve in a shoe shop. I was wondering why they don’t decide for us to go to flipping doctor B since doctor A is not in, and stand by that decision. After 10 years of marriage, I am still not used to this decision conundrum. Eish! Is there a man somewhere who understands my point? Is any woman reading sex and intimacy 101? Can I get an amen? Haaahaaaahh khi khi khi...Get this one thing straight: men and women are different in making decisions—Period! That makes them different in having sex.

(4) Emotion

Emotion is the part we all probably know about men and women. Men tend to be reserved and will deal with emotions privately while women burst out and reveal their emotional issues to those closer to them. But men view bursting out emotionally as a sign of weakness, and will generally go into a time of lone ranging in their cave until they are clear about the problem and how to solve it.