Dancing To Happiness

<> she answers immediately, seizing the moment.

In the afternoon I was able to study a little and to spend a couple of hours in the gym, this time without embarrassing interruptions. I go to the bathroom to freshen up and to get ready for dinner. Robbie will come here in a while. I’m still in my bedroom when her message arrives on my mobile phone:

Come down, I’m at the front door.

I rush at the entrance to let her in and make her sit. Matthias has not been seen at all before dinner time, but when he makes his entrance in the dining room to join us, I notice Robbie’s look and open mouth. Maybe now she can understand too why he upset me so much. It should be illegal to be so devilishly handsome With two fingers I push upwards Robbie’s chin to make her close her mouth and I say amused: <> there’s only one thing she can do: remain silent. But she takes revenge with a little kick under the table.

<> I ask him staring into his eyes without being mesmerised by his overwhelming magnetism.

<>

<> I say to him pointing at her.

<>

Despite the initial block, Robbie becomes friendly with Matthias. She shows off her cheeky beggar and bombards him with questions. How is it possible that he doesn’t affect my timid friend as he does to me? Last night I was petrified and could hardly speak. We exchanged roles: she has become extroverted and I have become excessively shy. In the dining room there’s the background chatter typical of more open conversations. Suddenly Vanessa tells me shouting from a table not very close to ours: <>

<> Matthias asks me leaking the desire to be invited too

<>

<> he answers staring at me in way of making me feel uncomfortable. I look down to hide the blushing and above all to prevent Robbie from noticing it.

The evening passes pleasantly. We decide to stay at home and, as usual, we lose track of time if it wasn’t for the first symptoms of tiredness that stand out. Given the time, Roberta decides to go home.

<> she says, dragging me with her. She thanks me for the invitation to dinner and above all to make her become acquainted with Matthias.

While we are heading for her car she looks at me and says: <>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<> I growl at her.

<>

I burst into a nervous laughter and say: <>

<>

I try to get rid of her to not continue this useless conversation.

<>

<>

We kisses on the cheeks. I see her moving away with her car and then I return home.

I try not to think about what she told me. I don’t want to dwell upon what my friend believes she has seen and upon her “brain movies”. It’s true that he embarrasses me much and I can not help but look at him, but it’s only because I’m attracted by his appearance. I not even know him. Why does Robbie always demoralize me in this way? Heigh-ho!

IV

The last two weeks have been devastating but the long-awaited day of the competition arrived. Oscar, my dancing partner and friend, and I waited for hours for our turn to arrive. We began with a paso doble and two pas seul. During the wait Oscar has had anxiety all the time. Finally they start with the ranking and we hear our names placed in first position. The strain and the intense sacrifices of these months have been useful!

<> Oscar exclaims, then he takes me in his arms and makes me spin like a top.

The tears begin to run down unexpectedly, probably because of the tension accumulated during this last period. Besides discovering myself shy, I have become whiner too.

Still incredulous for first place: <> I say to him happily.

In these circumstances all the tiredness gathered in days past vanishes. We are a competitive couple and the presence of our friends made us stronger. Their affection gave us a great energy. We had a great responsibility and we could not disappoint the school, our choreographers and all those who believe in us. This will be our last year together. I will miss Oscar a lot. He will go to Broadway, in America. We dance together since we were ten years old. I will never forget the time in which he became depressed because he had not the courage to face his homosexuality. He made many hearts palpitate. He is good-looking and a disarming sweetheart; nobody could imagine he wasn’t hetero. In these years many girls wanted to have him as a partner and not only for dance. After he has overcome his fear and has been accepted by his family for who he is, he succeeded in finding love too. His boyfriend has his own interests and helped him much to come out of the abyss. We have faced many adventures within the school and in life. The thought that he’s going to leave makes me nostalgic. How am I without my Oscar?

I throw my arms around him and say: <>

Since I can no more hold the gathered stress, I burst into tears again, leaning my head against his chest. He holds me tightly: <> he tells me, with one of his wonderful encouraging smiles.

We go to get the award and perform again our choreography. We change our clothes and catch up with the others to go for a drink together.

When we arrive at the club I introduce Matthias to Oscar and he, like me and all the women who watch Matthias, remains enchanted by this charming man.

<> he whispers in my ear.

<>

<>

<> I ask pretending to reproach him.

<>

<> I confide to him smiling.

<>

<>

We look at each other and burst into laughter.

The days pass and I resumed the same routine. Thinking about it, it has already been over a month since Mathias arrived and a beautiful friendship is being born between us. Yeah, a friendship that is causing me a lot of problems with Max. We quarrel often because he does not like me to spend time with my new friend; his suffocating jealousy grows day by day. His stupid scenes are getting me tired and nervous. Soon I’m going to have a psychology exam and I’m studying hard. It’s difficult for me to focus upon it with one who bombards me with messages and calls to continuously supervise me. Let’s add to this, the exam of the dance school for the academic diploma. Sometimes I think that I have been foolhardy to have chosen both the department of psychology and the ballet school. I did it because I need both. In both cases I can be of some help to others. If I go on like this, I will be the one who needs a psychologist! I stay locked in my bedroom to study for days now. Sometimes I wonder how my father succeeds in not freaking out. He is a businessman, he follows the Financial Exchange and helps my mother with the boarding house. I must have gotten from him to involve myself with thousand tasks. Stop thinking, Isabel! It would be better that I exercise a little to release stress. I go down to the gym and start working on the new choreography for which I’m going to be examined, but each attempt ends badly: These new steps are driving me crazy! I’m going through a bad artistic period; I’m much tired and my relationship with Max is taking a turn for the worst: the one towards the decline! I decide to give it a rest with the workout and to go on the terrace to try to relax a little. I sit on the porch swing and my eyes begin to fill with tears. While I’m busy feeling sorry for myself I don’t notice Matthias’ presence and seeing him I wince.

He sits next to me and sweetly asks me: <>

I look at him astonished by his presence and his care and answer with a weak voice: <> surely I can not tell him that I also have some problems with Max because of his presence.

Suddenly I realize that while he was listening to my whining he had taken my hand and was caressing it with tenderness to console me. His touch... I have not time to think about the effect that makes me his hand on mine that, all of a sudden, he takes my face in his hand and, looking intensely into my eyes, says: <>

I do not know whether to be more upset about the emotion I’m feeling with his hands on my face or about the hindrance to the choreography.

<> I think aloud.

<>

<> I say to him, blushing.

<> he concludes, giving me two kisses on the cheeks and freeing my face from his hands.

I needed him to find determination and will to fight and it is thanks to him that I find myself again in the gym more positively charged and motivated than before. Of course, problems with Max remain, but I can not talk about them with Matthias, probably he would not take it well. However, I can not stop thinking about his hand that caressed mine; at that time I felt butterflies in my stomach... I must stop thinking about it!

While I’m focused on what I’m doing, I jerk for the sudden squeak of the door. Roberta bursts into the gym paying no attention to my puzzlement: <>

<> I ask her doubtfully.

Usually she advises before coming to visit me. I perceive a negative sensation...

<> she says without looking at me, almost as if she feared my reaction.

<> I exclaim intrigued.

<> she asks me quickly and always more intimidated in a “now or never” style.

This request is like a bolt from the blue that runs through me and I say the first thing that goes through my head. <>

<> Robbie asks me scornfully, regaining confidence in herself.

It’s certain that this day is going from bad to worse!

My blood froze in my veins, I feel like a thief caught red-handed. I rebut without ruminate too much: <> I realize that I’m trying to justify myself clutching at straws and saying the first stupid thing that can save me.

<> she asks me sarcastically, showing off a hateful malicious smile.

<>

<> she exclaims looking at me badly.

<> I say to her with a fake smile.

<>

<>

<>

<> I say, raising my hands in surrender.

<> she says, hugging me with affection. Time to say goodbye and she went away leaving me upset and thoughtful.

Returning home, Roberta meets Max and decides to talk to him about the conversation she had with her friend just a moment ago, about Isabel’s strange attitudes and about her presumed doubts. They both suppose that there’s the likelihood that Isabel is falling in love with the handsome Matthias.

It’s night but I can not sleep. Max continues to be angry with me, Robbie is all over me and asks me impossible favours, I’m tired, I have many important things on which I have to focus and they give me no respite. Don’t they realize that I’m at a delicate phase? I’m about to have a nervous breakdown! Then there is Matthias, yeah, Matthias... At this time I’d like to leave for another galaxy!

I don’t know what to do. My head is about to explode with all this thinking.

If I could I’d go on a mountain top and I’d scream with all my strength Matthias is right, I must concentrate on one thing at a time. Now the ballet school is important. Stop thinking about Max and Robbie’s bullshit! I curl up under the blanket and finally my eyelids begin to get heavy. I just want to sleep and not to think about anything and anybody.

V

Walking lightheartedly towards home, some screams draw my attention. I recognise Matthias’ voice, I look towards the direction from which the yells come and I witness an unpleasant scene. At the front door there’s him who is arguing with two men with a dodgy face. Without anyone noticing it I stop to understand what they might want from him; but when Matthias notices my presence he asks me in an aggressive way to leave them alone. This attitude caught me off guard, I have never heard him use that tone of voice before, especially with me. I say nothing and look at him in a bad way, although in reality I wanted to insult him heavily. How dare he address me in this way? What have I done to be treated thus? I’m furious but at the same time worried. Those fellows make the skin crawl. I hope he doesn’t work with such kind of people or even worse that he hangs out with them. Surely it’s not like that. I don’t see him going around with that kind of people. Who are they? What do they want from him?

My curiosity thunders, I have a strong desire to go to him and to bombard him with questions. I don’t do it not to seem nosy and above all I don’t do it for pride. He could use other manners! I stay all the afternoon in my bedroom to study and to avoid meeting him. But my concern gets the better of my intentions. After all is said and done he has always been there for me when I needed it. I arm myself with strength and courage and I go towards his bedroom. Now or never!

Despite my legs tremble I decide to knock on the door of Matthias’ bedroom.

<> he says with a calm tone of voice.

<> Matthias listens but he doesn’t look at me.

<>

<>

<> I ask, hoping of being able to bring back the smile on his beautiful face, but also to have some answers.

<>

I remain puzzled and disappointed that he doesn’t want to open himself up to me. I nod to let him know that I understand.

Finally he raises his wonderful eyes towards me, takes my hand and pulls me towards him. <> he says making me sit beside him on his bed.

Good Lord! Staying so close to him is a torture. I immediately move the mischievous thoughts away from my mind and breathing deeply I reconnect my brain. I came here because I wanted some answers and instead he clearly changes the subject to avoid me to make him other questions to which he doesn’t want to answer. He will certainly think that I’m nosy! I accept his discretion in keeping his thoughts to himself and answer: <>

<>

Why does he ask me it? I realized that I stiffened and pretending not to notice anything I answer without dwelling too much: <>

I don’t know why but I have a fucking fear of his answer. My blood is boiling and I would never have asked it. I’m an emeritus idiot! I’d rather crash to the ground than see Matthias with another woman, much less with my best friend!

<> Matthias answers looking down at the floor.

Suddenly I have a tachycardia attack. I can not even look at him, I just want to get out of this fucking bedroom.

Roberta is absolutely right; I fell in love with Matthias since the first moment I saw him. From the very moment he came into my life, I was enchanted by him and then little by little I began to feel something deeper. The only thought that he could be connected with another woman hurts me. I would have never entered into his bedroom. I try to hold on for not making anything leak. Without looking at him to prevent him from noticing my frame of mind, I spell out: <>

To avoid showing him my sadness, I say a trivial excuse to get out of this miserable situation: <>

<>

<> I whisper.

I go out the door, breath deeply and rush to my bedroom to suffer in silence and far from prying eyes.

I don’t know how many hours I’m locked here crying, I feel emptied, I have not even come down for dinner. Now that I have the awareness that I’m in love with Matthias I don’t know what to do. How can I get him out of my head? I can’t believe he loves another woman. Who’s she? Isabel, you are very idiot! How could you even think for a moment that a guy like that could not have someone? I realize that actually I know nothing about him. How could this happen? Why did I fall in love with him? He is so unattainable, incomprehensible and with a fluctuating mood. Look who’s talking! My mood also is unstable lately. I begin to understand the reason of my disquiet. In recent months I have not fixed points. Am I in love with Max? I don’t know... I’m attached to him but I have never felt with him what I feel when I look at or think of Matthias. Max has always been my friend. Can it really be that I have agreed to get engaged to him only because of exhaustion? At the beginning I was happy, at least I believe it. We were often in touch but it’s also true that most of the time it has always been him who bended over backwards for me. I like him physically, he has a wonderful smile and in the past he made me feel safe in his arms. I feel like shit towards him. I have to get Matthias off my mind! Come back on planet Earth, Isabel! You are engaged to a man who loves you and would do anything for you! Poor Max, I’m hurting his feelings. From tomorrow onwards I must avoid Matthias and I must only think about passing my last exams and realizing my dream.

VI

My parents have organised for me a surprise party to help me find some peace of mind and to gratify me for the efforts of recent months. They have invited all my friends, including Matthias.

I’m really surprised and happy. Fortunately in the last period it’s much better with Max. We are again so harmonious to make anybody envious, the classical perfect couple. I’m succeeding in calming down and in masking my feelings for Matthias. I have understand that we do not belong together and that nothing will ever happen between us. It’s not fair to think about or desire the man of another and above all it’s not fair to hurt the man who loves me. The more I look around me, the more I realize how much lucky I am.

Everybody seems to have fun and the party organised by my parents is taking place for the best; the food is great, my mother has prepared my favourite dishes and everybody is submerging me in affection and gifts.

<> Rossana urges, distracting me from my thoughts.

<> I say to her, knowing her curiosity.

The guys gave me a tracksuit and the girls gave me two sets of underwear: one is in black lace and the other is always in lace but pale pink and with a so narrow g-string that wearing it will not leave anything to the imagination.