The Holy Sh*t Moment: How lasting change can happen in an instant

The man was in his fifties, clean-shaven, plain-faced, and wearing glasses, Chuck recalled. His hair was gray-white, he had an outgoing personality, and it seemed like he couldn’t help but engage in conversation. Because Chuck had consumed a few drinks, he began to loosen up.

The two men talked for a time of things inconsequential, and then the man informed Chuck of his profession as a photographer, which he proclaimed gave him the ability to read people. “I see the fear in your eyes,” the man told him.

Chuck admits that his memory was hazy due to alcohol consumption, but insists the stranger never brought up Chuck’s weight. Rather, the man told him he could see there was something Chuck wanted to do, and that the fear he felt soon wouldn’t be a problem in this quest.

Chuck Gross was taken aback that a random stranger would speak to him in such a way. I advocate against poking one’s nose into the body weight of others; people should mind their own business. Even though Chuck’s obesity was not mentioned, it was obvious what the man was talking about. The conversation ended abruptly but still had a profound effect.

Two months later, Chuck Gross was dead.

Lightning Strikes

The life-changing epiphany seems rare because people aren’t forthcoming about it.

William Miller and his coauthor write in Quantum Change: “people who experience such events are often reluctant to discuss them openly.” In their research, they uncovered that many had told only one or two people, and some never told anyone. I’m kind of a big deal on Facebook, so when I asked, people came forward.

Bragging over one’s social-media following is the epitome of pathetic, but if you want to “Like” my page, it’s facebook.com/bodyforwife.

During the interviews, Miller and C’de Baca write, “the words came tumbling out like a great unburdening.” Yep. That’s what happened with my interviews, too. It’s because such an event changes how people feel, what they think, how they experience the world. It is a Big Deal. Life will never be the same.

Freaked out a little right now? I mean, Chuck Gross died, right?

It’s a good kind of lightning strike, however, like when Luke learned he was to become a Jedi, except without having your aunt and uncle burned to a crisp by Imperial Stormtroopers.

Of the fifty-five people interviewed for Quantum Change, the authors explained that for 80 percent of them, it “took them completely by surprise.” And for half, nothing special was happening leading up to it. This reinforces Beeman and Kounios, who say lightning strikes during diversion after getting stuck.

To repeat: keep working at it, follow the steps in this book, then take a break and let the unconscious do its thing.

Let’s get back to Chuck.

As forward as the stranger’s words were, it nudged him from the precontemplation stage to the edges of contemplation. Cons of change became slightly minimized, and pros garnered more investigation and emphasis.

“During those two months, the conversation was eating away at me both subconsciously and consciously,” Chuck said, explaining that many of the things one experiences when they are that heavy are buried because they’re constant: back pain, aching feet, always being out of breath. Before, they were facts of life, but after the meeting, he became more aware of them. Chuck’s brain was becoming primed for lightning to strike.

It was March 11, and the Pittsburgh winter edged toward spring, a time of rebirth. Rather than forget his chance meeting at Boondock Saint the previous January, Chuck dwelled on it.

Then it happened.

“My wife Denise came out of the bathroom with a positive pregnancy test,” Chuck said. He explained this was not something planned for. They’d talked about having children, but it was always for the future, when he was healthier and had lost weight.

“The lightning bolt was instantaneous,” he said. It first hit him with overwhelming joy that he was going to be a father, but he also knew with absolute clarity he had to do something about his condition. He described it as though someone hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat, full swing.

The bat to Chuck’s skull was what ended his life, metaphorically speaking. “I tell people I died that day. The old Chuck is dead. I killed him.”

Chuck’s realization that he had to change happened in an instant, when he knew he had to become not just the father his child needed, but the husband his wife deserved. Yet Chuck didn’t stop thinking there. The powerful “Aha!” moment brought additional clarity to who he was and how he needed to change.

“I realized that a big part of my identity was wrapped up in me being fat,” he said. The emotion of the moment was clear; years later he struggled to tell the tale. Voice thick, Chuck explained he was always the fat kid growing up; people made fun of him for it. His identity was as the funny fat guy; the guy girls wanted as a friend, but never to date. People knew him for being able to eat and drink a lot, and that was all. With the pregnancy announcement, Chuck had a new identity thrust upon him, that of a father, making his values pivot hard in a new direction.

In 2016, researchers from the University of Oregon published a study in Psychological Inquiry about the “identity-value model” of self-regulation. The authors theorize that “behaviors that are connected to identity are more likely to be enacted because they hold greater subjective value.” They examined the dieter’s dilemma, investigating how people struggle with eating healthfully, and how self-control is about two opposing processes: impulsively eat the doughnut, for example, because it’s yummy, or strive to regulate that behavior and resist the treat in favor of vegetables?

When someone’s identity is one that places high value on healthy eating, there isn’t much struggle. It’s not a matter of exerting willpower; it’s acting in a way that is in direct relevance to who they are. At the beginning of this book, I mentioned awakening the grizzly, but it’s more about becoming the grizzly.

The final part of Chuck’s process to destroy that old identity and create a new one involved stepping on the scale. Technology lent him a hand.

“The scale was only rated up to 400 pounds and always gave me an error message, but this time it worked and read 410.” That’s what made it real; it reinforced for Chuck what he had to do. He needed to embrace the identity shift.

Chuck described hating exercise; he hated watching what he ate, hated trying to lose weight only to fail again and again. “Before, I never felt like I’d be able to change.” But this time was different. This time, it was not the rational thought prompting him forward, but a new sense of being filling him with emotion. That lightning strike / baseball bat to the head doesn’t come from a considered weighing of the pros and cons; it’s an overwhelming sensation in which an internal spirit awakens and proclaims: This will happen!

Chuck’s transformation was so total that I had no idea of his amazing story when I first met him in 2015. It was at a fitness conference in Kansas City, in a hotel room after-party. I assumed he was another fitness aficionado and was surprised when he replied to my call for stories. We met again in 2017 and 2018 and shared a big hug each time.

I told Chuck’s story to Michael Inzlicht, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto and a longtime critic of the idea that willpower is some depleting resource we need to ration in order to change behavior.

“Chuck sounds like he had this experience that didn’t change his self-control,” Inzlicht said. “He changed his identity.” Being a good dad was something Chuck would hold in high value, and this was the identity push he needed because of his concerns about his ability to be active with his children and even live long enough to see them grow. As a result, “The value of losing weight dramatically increased.”

Chuck described his old identity as an anchor that needed to die for him to move forward. This was the defining moment that divided his life into before and after. “The person I am now was born that day,” he said.

From ashes gray, a phoenix arose.

But what does this all mean? How did this one moment help Chuck lose over two hundred pounds and keep them off? The first part to understand is that insight, driven by emotion, unlike rational analysis, is something possessing the power to crush doubt.

“There was an overwhelming sense of joy and relief,” he said. “I didn’t need to struggle with my motivation; it came built in.” Chuck described a sense of inner peace; there was no question he would do it. There were still struggles to overcome, but he had momentum that began that day; it pushed him forward.

I want to repeat something Chuck said, because it’s damn important. Let’s bold, italicize, and center it to draw attention:

“I didn’t need to struggle with my motivation; it came built in.”

This is what we’re going for, dear reader. Right there is the reason I’m writing this book. Dropping over two hundred pounds and keeping them off takes tremendous effort, but having it feel like destiny, that you have an endless fountain of desire to achieve, after years of trying and failing, can only be attained by a sudden, transformative experience. I’m not saying amazing accomplishment can’t be attained by way of baby steps, but that way sucks, and the failure rate is high.

Rapid transformation of desire to succeed is so much cooler! Wouldn’t you rather do it that way?

Maybe not. Maybe that identity-shift stuff freaked you out.

But I want to alleviate that fear, because you’re going to change anyway. We are, all of us, changing all the time. I’m quite a bit different from the man I was ten years ago, and way different than the one from twenty-five years ago. While a life-changing epiphany is something that feels like it is something that happens to you, the preparatory work, along with your life experiences and deepest desires and understanding of your true self, help ensure it was something coming from you. This isn’t an outside agency acting upon your brain; this is your brain.

Yes, if this happens, you’re going to change. A lot. Quickly. Sounds scary, but it comes with an overwhelming feeling of rightness. And that’s why it drives you. We’ll examine the neuroscience behind this shift in coming chapters, but for now I ask you to trust in the power of your unconscious and conscious processing systems to find the correct path.

Time for another mental activity.

Think of what happened to Chuck, and why it happened. The overwhelming epiphany seemingly came out of the blue—but did it? The seed was sown back in that New Orleans bar. He became more aware of the negative consequences of his current path. He also talked with his wife about how children were for “later,” when he got healthy.

And then it all came crashing down in an instant with a pregnancy announcement. Chuck received an overwhelming vision of the man he must become, for his wife, and for his unborn child.

Chuck was suddenly “pro” focused.

The cons of changing didn’t matter; all that mattered was becoming.

Your next task is to maximize the pros. Imagine one or three of the things you’d like to do. Create a basic vision of the You, Part 2, that I spoke of earlier.

Now imagine what it’s like to be that person.

Focus on just a few of the major benefits you will receive from this change. As I showed earlier, don’t overanalyze, but ponder some of what will be awesome about that new career, new body, new location, or new life. What are the big things that make it so desirable?

Are these good things not just good, but amazing? Are they inspiring? Do they make you desire this change so much that you must achieve them? If not, perhaps the problem is you’re not being ambitious enough in your vision. But don’t be so ambitious that you choose an objective which is unachievable.

This is called the “expectancy-value approach,” a behavior-change theory dating back to 1967. It dictates that we engage in those behaviors we both expect to be successful at and have high value to us.

Think on this: What kind of benefits would it take to inspire you to action? Merge this with consideration of the feasibility of the goal. You can still dream big, because implausible does not mean impossible.

Create another vision. Think of a new you so incredible it becomes irresistible. Push the boundaries of realism. No one gets to be Batman except Batman, but you can still achieve awesome. There’s only one Wonder Woman, yet you can become a wondrous woman.

What does the limit of your potential look like? More important, how does it feel to imagine the benefits of standing in those shoes?

Don’t expect this will cause lightning to strike now. It’s information for percolation. But it might happen soon, so be ready, just in case. A transformative moment might happen in chapter 1, or it might happen in chapter 9. It might happen three months after you finish this book. Work the problem until you’re stuck, engage in diversion, and you could have a transformation like Chuck did.

Chuck went from despair to joyous determination in an instant. Joyous determination. This sense of elation Chuck described is a parameter of the transtheoretical model called “dramatic relief.” It can take place when one moves from the contemplation stage and into the preparation stage, from thinking to doing. It is because the anticipation of resolving one’s weighty problems generates a sense of euphoria. You’re like, Hell, yes! I see light at the end of the tunnel now, and I will run toward it. Nothing will stop me.

How does the feeling last? What keeps you on the new course, besides the shift in values and identity? The secret is in the synapses.

James Prochaska explained that such dramatic relief could involve either negative or positive arousal. Positive arousal involves being inspired to chase something good. But negative arousal, unlike the name might imply, is not a bad thing: it’s about removing a negative feeling, such as conquering an addiction.

I was in a state of despair, and taking real action, working hard for something for the first time in my life, was the antidote. In that moment, I understood that solid effort could change everything. The enlightenment, the realization that I was about to take action, cured my despair that day, and step-by-step, progress was made toward a new and better life.

The emotional arousal from a momentous epiphany is like a hit of a powerful drug, and it is because pleasurable neuromodulators are activated. A new path is created in the mind, and each step forward in that better direction provides a little rush of positive reinforcement that whispers, This is right.

At a simple level, how these neuromodulators work for ongoing motivation can be described via operant conditioning, as outlined by psychologist B. F. Skinner early in the twentieth century. It’s stimulus-response; the epiphany is such a positive experience that every additional step taken (the stimulus) that stays true to the vision allows the recipient of the vision to continue to feel that sense of rightness from its pursuit (the response). More details are in chapter 4, but it’s this neurochemical boost that makes you take the next step, and the next one.

The quest comes to rule the synapses.

Self-Compassion vs. Self-Loathing

If you hate your body, you’ll be less inspired to change it. Because passion for health rarely comes from a place of self-loathing. Same goes for hating your life.

There are those who lose weight because they were filled with disgust over their bodies. It can work for some, but research indicates shaming and self-loathing over obesity leads to comfort eating and immobility far more often than generating action.

In a 2013 study, researchers at Florida State University assert that not only does stigmatizing obesity lead to poorer mental-health outcomes, but the authors state, “Rather than motivating individuals to lose weight, weight discrimination increases risk for obesity.”

And a 2003 study by University of Texas at Austin psychology professor Kristin Neff revealed the importance of self-compassion in boosting one’s psychological function. It “involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness.”

It contrasts with efforts to boost self-esteem, which have come under criticism. Self-esteem often means judgments and comparisons, evaluating personal performances in comparison to a set of standards, as well as examining how others view you. And while low self-esteem can have negative psychological outcomes, boosting it is not a panacea for the psyche. The first issue is that it’s hard to raise, and the second is that targeting self-esteem can lead to self-absorption and even narcissism.

Part of the benefit of focusing on self-compassion is that it’s not just about you. It “represents a balanced integration between concern with oneself and concern with others, a state that researchers are increasingly recognizing as essential to optimal psychological functioning,” Professor Neff wrote. Winning at life need not involve competition. You may have a sudden insight that the best thing for your future is to dedicate yourself to helping others. Look at Chuck. He wasn’t thinking about looking in a mirror or strutting on a beach. He wanted to be a good dad.

We will examine self-compassion meditation techniques in chapter 9.

The body is often a source of one’s self-loathing, so I’ll share the words of Taryn Brumfitt, a body-acceptance advocate and director of the documentary film Embrace. She told me of the need to not descend into negativity: “I have never met a single human being that has made lifelong, meaningful change that came from shame or guilt.” Conversely, she has seen much positive change resulting from self-care, self-love, and self-respect. “I’m asking people to embrace their positive qualities.”

I gained a lot of weight in my early 20s and I hated myself, but the harder I tried, the less possible it seemed to lose weight. Finally gave up in my 40s. But then something clicked. I decided I needed to be kinder to myself, love the body I had, and love what it could do. Before I knew it, I had the confidence to get a trainer…. I feel the best I’ve felt and looked in years!

—Victoria

I bring this up because all this talk of unstoppable desire to succeed and motivation and willpower can send the wrong message.

Sticking to weight loss as the example, we live in an environment that manufactures body fat. With over two-thirds of Americans being classified as having excess weight or obesity, and the fact it happened in a few decades, it’s clear there has been a major societal shift contributing to it.

Obesity is not a personal failing. It’s not a choice people make. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Just because this book is about exploring the mystery of generating a massive leap in motivation does not mean those who don’t experience it are somehow lesser.

Losing weight or changing your life in other ways is complex. That’s because human motivation is equally complicated. A big problem with the weight-loss industry is a lot of the strategies are built on suffering, which are not effective for the long term. People feel the failure is their own rather than due to a corrupt industry that failed them.

I spent years unhappy with my weight…. I would hide food and opt out of gym whenever possible because I had been told so many times at that point that my body was flawed, I didn’t believe it was capable of anything…. In my late 20s, joining the body-positivity movement helped me see value and worth in my body and what it’s capable of … and I will be completing my 4th half marathon next month. —Amanda

You may have an epiphany that you’re done with worrying about your weight and decide to focus your energies on things more important to you, and I am 100 percent cool with that. It’s your life; you have the power to choose your own road.

If you’re guilty of beating yourself up, it’s time to ditch the self-loathing and accept yourself for your faults and your capabilities. Use your newfound self-respect as part of the process to energize your desire to find the best way forward for you.

Accept your humanity and that all humans are flawed. Being a perfectionist gets in the way of self-compassion. There will be detailed steps later, but for now, endeavor to ditch shame and guilt, and, in so doing, try to better understand yourself. Take some time to analyze what makes you unique. What are your strengths? Where do your capabilities lie? What could you accomplish if you were truly determined? Why would you be able to accomplish these goals? What is it that you bring to the equation that makes these goals attainable? Focusing on your qualities and your potential, imagine what your post-epiphany journey might look like.

You need to know yourself better, because there is no cookie-cutter approach to creating an optimal life outcome. It is unique to you.

I like cookies.

Exceeding Expectations

There are people for whom life has been criminally unfair. The cards they’ve been dealt are a puddle of cat puke.

It is possible, dear reader, you are one such unlucky feline-vomit recipient.

When it comes to body weight, myriad factors can add fat to your frame: genetics, environment, finances, abuse, mental illness, medical conditions, medication…. Regardless of a dream of getting in shape and/or bettering one’s life, there can be preexisting problems that will hamstring efforts.

People who proclaim anyone can achieve anything if they just work hard enough need to shut up and go far away, then shut up some more.

Life isn’t fair, and because it isn’t fair you must not feel shame or a need for comparison. Some have immense privilege. Others, their lives suck, and it is not of their own making.

And yet they are told to “Just do it.” They are shamed for their weight and shown photoshopped models on magazine covers as the “ideal” they should aspire to. Beyond that, there are the societal expectations to have fancier cars, nicer houses, bigger paychecks, better-looking spouses, and smarter children.

I’m calling bullshit on all that.

This is about you and bettering your life by playing the hand you’ve been dealt to the best of your ability. Yes, you can achieve a great deal by being passionate and inspired to succeed; you can exceed all expectations not just with your body, but with your career, happiness, relationships, and more. But it is still worth comprehending the reality of your situation.

There is merit in aiming high, because if you only make it three-quarters of the way to your goal, you’re still overjoyed at how much you’ve accomplished. But do not aim so high—do not quest for the unattainable—if failure to become Batwoman or Wonder Man would crush your will to continue.

Seek greatness on your own terms.

Fulfilling Life’s Purpose

Lee Holland had a “sit-down job,” something her family envied.

Living in Chattanooga, Tennessee, she came from poverty and was one of the few to finish high school and the first to go to college. She worked in a small cubicle as a customer-service representative for a major health-insurance company, which was seen as a big step up from working in fast food or doing manual labor. But her life felt unfulfilled, like she was going through the motions. Lee felt destined for more. All that was missing was the drive to figure out her purpose in life and then to chase it.