Quests for Glory

Tedros snarled. “My father was right to banish you from the castle.”

“Well, you’re certainly seeming more and more like him each day,” said Merlin.

“Stop it! You’re like squabbling hens, the both of you!” Agatha yelled, echoing into the night. “What is this? What are we doing? Why are we here!”

The two men gaped at her sheepishly.

But it was the hat that spoke from beneath Merlin’s rump, scowling at them all—

“Couples therapy!”

6

TEDROS

Two Theories

Somewhere inside, Tedros knew this would happen. He couldn’t continue the way he’d been going, treating Agatha like a distant cousin while wrestling his own demons down down down into the basement of his soul.

These past six months, he’d told himself it was the only way forward—that Agatha was best left to the hopeful, happy duties of wedding planning while he reassured his castle staff that Camelot would return to glory. But he could only lie to himself for so long. There was nothing reassuring about his guards looking at him with pity and doubt, their eyes darting to his sword jammed in a balcony. And there was nothing hopeful or happy about a princess planning a wedding to a boy who was doing everything he could to avoid her.

Someone had to intervene. Someone had to save him from himself. But now it was happening and he wasn’t ready.

The worst part was that he’d been through this before—only he’d been the one ignored and abandoned. He’d been the one in Agatha’s place.

He was nine years old. His mother had fled the castle with Lancelot, deserting both him and his father. But right when he needed his dad most, his father turned to drink instead, slowly poisoning himself rather than admit how much pain he was in. He’d begged his father to stop, but Arthur insisted it was Tedros’ mother who needed help, not him. Yet in the end, it was his mother who’d been honest with herself, giving her a second chance at life, while his father numbed his feelings all the way to the grave.

Now, sitting with Agatha and Merlin, Tedros felt his own buried pain return. He didn’t want Agatha to suffer the way he once did, shut out by someone she loved. And he didn’t want to be like his father, refusing help until it was too late.

“I thought everything was going to be okay when we left school,” he said finally, unable to look at his princess. “I didn’t want her to worry for the rest of her life. She’s been through enough. But then I saw her watching me this morning when I was on the balcony and I could see she was hurting—”

“‘She’ meaning … me?” Agatha asked.

Tedros saw Merlin squeeze Agatha’s wrist, telling her this wasn’t her turn to talk.

“Merlin, where were you all this time?” Tedros said, clearing his throat. “No one’s seen you since the coronation. Not that I really ‘saw’ you then either.”

“I’d hope not. It took a meticulous spell to turn me into a mosquito that could last a decent amount of time without sucking someone’s blood,” said Merlin.

“Too bad it couldn’t be Lady Gremlaine’s,” Agatha offered.

The wizard frowned at her.

“You watched the coronation as a mosquito?” Tedros asked.

“I was hoping to avoid detection and have all attention be on you, my boy. If anyone saw me, they would have foolishly tried to execute me and it would have led to quite the spectacle indeed. But then you created your own spectacle by presenting your mother and Lancelot to the people against all reasonable advice. It was a stunning act of stubbornness, something a swaggering boy at school would do rather than a new king trying to build faith with his kingdom.”

“And I’m sorry for it,” said Tedros softly. “I thought it was the right thing at the time.”

“I could have helped—” Agatha started.

Merlin’s hat bit her bottom.

“Maybe I did do everything wrong and messed it all up. Maybe I am the worst king in the world. But isn’t that punishment enough?” Tedros fought. “You didn’t have to punish me too by disappearing for six months!”

“Punish you?” Merlin said, aghast. “Tedros, dear, I’ve been gone keeping two people you love safe.”

Tedros gaped, suddenly understanding. “You were with Mom and Lance! I’ve been going crazy trying to track them. … I got these mysterious cards from different parts of the Woods—”

“And she would have sent far more had I let her,” said Merlin.

“I knew it! There wasn’t anything written on them, but they smelled like honeysuckle, which she knows is my favorite. Where are they? When can I see them? I need to see them—”

“Patience, boy. Your mother and Lancelot still have Arthur’s rich bounty on their heads: a bounty you can’t rescind until you pull the sword and finish your test. Getting them to safety was difficult enough. As soon as they were dragged into the castle at the coronation, I turned them to fruit flies and hustled them into the Endless Woods. We couldn’t return to the old safe house in Avalon; The Tale of Sophie and Agatha had revealed its existence to our whole world, which meant Avalon Island would be crawling with your mother’s enemies. So to both hide your mother and Lancelot and distract them from worrying about you, I took them on a tour of kingdoms they’d never seen, given their years of exile. We traveled by enchanted ship: the Igraine, which obeys any ‘lady’ of Camelot, princess or queen, and can fly through the air or turn invisible on that lady’s command. Soon news started spreading of what happened at the coronation, with WANTED posters for Guinevere and Lancelot tacked up everywhere we went. I had to be creative about disguising them. But that, as you know, is a specialty.”

“So they’re … safe?” Tedros asked anxiously.

“The Igraine is returned to Camelot harbor and your mother and Lance are hidden close by, rested and at ease. Except for the fact they’re missing you. Well, your mother more than Lancelot,” the wizard winked.

“Hope you disguised Lance as a girl,” Tedros said, remembering his own time as a girl named Essa. All of a sudden he was craving his favorite hot cocoa and he wished he hadn’t dumped out his mug. Why did he always act first and think later? He tried to catch Agatha’s eye, wanting to somehow start a conversation, but he’d ignored her too long and now she was ignoring him.

“Merlin, if you were touring other kingdoms, surely you saw some of our classmates on their quests?” the princess asked.

“Indeed,” the wizard said, finally acknowledging her.

Tedros’ face fell. “And have they, um, you know … heard about me?”

The wizard paused. “Let’s just say you’re not the only one encountering obstacles on their quest.”

“Huh? But I’m not even on a quest—” said Tedros.

“Every fourth-year Ever or Never from the School for Good and Evil is on a quest, Tedros,” the wizard corrected. “A quest to discover if they have the strength, wit, and will to become a legend and have their name remembered for all time. It’s just your classmates’ quests for glory took them to faraway lands, while yours brought you back home.”

“Doesn’t feel like much of a quest to me,” Tedros murmured. “I’m supposed to be king. It’s what I was born to do.”

Merlin peered at him as if he’d missed the point entirely. “You may have been born to do it, but that doesn’t mean you’ll do it well.”

Tedros said nothing, two hot spots appearing on his cheeks.

“Tedros, have you thought about why your father’s sword is stuck in the stone?” Merlin asked.

“Well, at first I thought it was caught at the wrong angle, then I thought maybe there was a riddle or a game that if I solved, the sword would pull loose.”

“That was my theory too,” said Agatha.

Tedros looked at her, wondering why she hadn’t said something to him before, only to realize he’d never given her the chance.

“And now?” asked Merlin.

“I’m back to thinking it’s caught at the wrong angle,” Tedros sighed.

“What if we consider it from Excalibur’s point of view?” Merlin asked.

“You think Excalibur doesn’t want me to pull it out?” Tedros asked, surprised.

“More like it doesn’t want you to be king,” said Merlin.

“But I am king—”

“Only because someone else who has a rightful claim to the throne has yet to pull the sword. And no one does, since you are King Arthur’s only child. So again: Why won’t Excalibur let you complete your father’s test?”

Tedros crossed his arms. “How should I know what a sword thinks?”

“Excalibur is a weapon of immense power, forged by the Lady of the Lake to fight Evil. It does not want to spend its days trapped in a balcony,” said Merlin. “Perhaps the sword is trying to be sure you are ready to be king and is waiting for you to prove it. In which case, the question is … how?”

Merlin wiped his spectacles with his robes, making them even dustier. “That’s theory #1.”

“And theory #2?” Agatha asked.

“That it isn’t the sword making these decisions at all,” said Merlin. “That someone else has found a way to control it, like a master controls a puppet, preventing you from sealing your own coronation. In which case, the question is … who?”

“But no one is powerful enough to control Excalibur,” Agatha rebutted. She slowly turned to Tedros. “Unless …”

“No way. The School Master is dead!” Tedros scoffed.

“Like forever dead,” Agatha agreed.

“Like really forever dead,” said Tedros.

They goggled at each other, then back at Merlin. “Right?”

“These are the same questions I have,” said the wizard, looking troubled. “But it is up to Tedros to find the answers, since it is his test. The sooner he retrieves his sword and seals his coronation, the better. Not just for Camelot, but for the sake of the entire Woods.”

“Entire Woods?” said Tedros. “What do you mea—”

“Are you talking about the attacks in the papers, Merlin?” Agatha cut in. “I’ve been reading about problems in Ever and Never kingdoms: pirate raids in Jaunt Jolie; a poisoned wishing well in Bremen; a band of werewolves looting families in Bloodbrook … but none of it seems connected.”

“It isn’t. Just a bunch of petty crime,” said Tedros. “Leaders of neighboring kingdoms think it’s more than that, but they just want Camelot to come in and clean up their problems like Dad used to. We have our own problems, thank you. But kings and queens keep writing me letters, demanding meetings.”

“Which you clearly haven’t answered,” said Agatha. “I heard two chambermaids whispering about why you haven’t investigated the fire on Glass Mountain.”

Tedros turned to Merlin quickly. “Well, are the attacks connected? You said our classmates are having trouble on their quests. What’s happening out there in the Woods?”

“Are they okay?” Agatha pressed.

“Dear girl, maybe you’d know the answer to that if you’d been answering your letters,” the wizard replied. “Your best friend’s included.”

Tedros looked at Agatha, dumbfounded. “You haven’t written Sophie?”

Agatha’s big brown eyes turned wet.

“But why?” Tedros blurted against all better judgment. “I’m happily rid of that girl, but you two have so much history. You can’t just cut her off—”

“She seems so excited about the wedding … and you don’t,” said Agatha, choking up. “Any time I tried to write her, all I could picture is me walking down the aisle to a boy I used to share everything with and now acts as if he barely knows me. But Sophie knows me: she’d see through anything I wrote … she’d see how I was feeling … and I didn’t want anyone to know—”

She covered her face, muffling her sobs.

Tedros looked at Merlin, sitting between him and his future queen. “M, do you mind if I talk to Agatha alone?”

“Thought you’d never ask. Even wizards need the toilet,” Merlin breezed. “Just jump off when you’re finished and you’ll find yourselves back where you started.” He snatched his sleeping hat, which startled awake, spurting rainbow sprinkles, before the wizard dove off the cloud like a champion swimmer and vanished into the darkness.

Tedros scooted across the cloud, silky white fibers tickling his legs as he moved next to Agatha, who was crying into her palms. Gently he put his hand on her back.

“I love you, Agatha. No matter how stupid I can be, nothing will ever change that.”

“I could only bring myself to write one letter—to Hester—and it was full of lies. I couldn’t let anyone know how you were treating me,” Agatha sniffled. “That’s why I didn’t write anyone else or ask about their quests. Six m-m-months. You made me feel so alone.”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me,” Tedros said guiltily.

“Y-y-you made me worry more.”

“I told you I was stupid.”

“S-s-stupider than a tree s-s-stump,” Agatha piled on.

“Stupider than a tree stump,” Tedros conceded.

“Stupider than one of Rafal’s zombie villains with no brains.”

“I don’t know if I’d go that—”

“It wasn’t a question.”

Tedros smiled and rolled back his eyes zombie-style, playfully sinking his teeth into her neck. Agatha yelped and shoved him away, but she was snickering now too.

She leaned against him and clasped his arm.

“You know, I’m surprised Sophie’s still alive, let alone writing you letters,” Tedros said. “Figured Dovey would have turned her into a pumpkin by now.”

“Not sure fairy godmothers are allowed to be Evil,” said Agatha.

“But wouldn’t it be awesome if they could?”

Agatha laughed: that hissy, throaty laugh he’d missed for so long. He pulled her in closer.

“Though from Sophie’s letters, it sounds like Dovey is out of sorts,” said Agatha. “She insists it’s because Dovey’s threatened by her; Sophie claims she’s turned Evil into the hot new thing and now all the first-year Evers want to go to her side.”

“But you think it’s something more sinister?”

“I’m sure Dovey wouldn’t mind if a stymph dropped Sophie on her head, but I doubt she’d get too worked up over a former student’s theatrics. Plus, you heard what Merlin said. If our classmates are having trouble on their quests, Dovey has her hands full. The Deans are responsible for all fourth years once they leave for their missions. Especially with no new School Master in place.”

“Wouldn’t Sophie have mentioned something in her letters? She’s Dean too.”

“It doesn’t make sense, does it?” Agatha agreed. “What do you think is happening out there that has Dovey stressed?”

“And Merlin worried?” said Tedros.

“And why would it be connected to you not pulling your dad’s sword?” said Agatha.

Tedros glanced away, tensing, and he could feel Agatha tighten too, knowing she’d said the wrong thing. He didn’t want to talk about the sword with her. Not just because it made him feel inadequate, but because he didn’t want her pity.

“I’m still imagining what Lance would look like if Merlin turned him into a girl,” said Agatha, mercifully changing the subject.

“No way Merlin would go for it,” said Tedros. “Lance would make such a beastly female that it would only call attention to itself.”

“You were a pretty beastly female yourself, Essa.”

“Wasn’t I the one who had boys whistling at me in the halls?”

“Boys who like their girls hulking, hairy, and belligerent.”

“Now you’re just jealous.”

“Well, if you want to be a girl so badly, maybe you should plan the wedding,” Agatha teased.

“Honestly, I found it sexist too at first: the new king focuses on governance, his princess on the wedding,” said Tedros. “But the more I thought about it, the more I realized traditions exist for a reason. I grew up in Camelot. The people have known me since I was a baby. You, on the other hand, are brand-new to them. The kingdom knows nothing about you. Planning the wedding is your coronation test.”

“And I want to pass it with flying colors, not for me, but for the both of us,” Agatha said earnestly. “But I’d rather be helping you.”

Tedros exhaled. “Help me manage our debts to other kingdoms that will take centuries to repay? Or help me find out where all Camelot’s gold went when the three advisors who handled this gold refuse to speak to me? Or help me fight rampant thieving by the poor, even though it helps them survive? Which would you like to help me with?”

“All of it. Any of it,” Agatha said. “I know how hard it is—”

“No, you don’t,” he said. “You can’t know how hard it is to watch your father’s kingdom turn its back on Good.”

“Just like you can’t know how hard it is to watch your one true love turn his back on you,” said Agatha.

Tedros didn’t argue.

Finally he looked at her, tears gleaming. “You really want to help me, Agatha? Then tell me how to pull my sword out of that stone. Tell me how to pass my father’s test.” He wiped his nose. “Why do you think I’ve been avoiding you? I knew this would happen. I knew I’d break down and ask you for help. Can’t even finish my coronation on my own. Maybe Merlin’s right. Maybe the sword doesn’t want me to be king.” He slouched into a sealed-off ball. “Not now. Not ever.”

He felt Agatha’s hand slide across his back and wrap him into her. She tipped his face upwards.

“Who says a good king can’t get help when he needs it most?”

His eyes met hers and a wall inside him crumbled, feelings rushing through. How had he gone this long without coming to her—she, the only person who ever truly understood him?

“I can see him looking at me in my dreams. My father,” said Tedros. “Staring at me as if he knows why I’ve failed. He’s part of this and I don’t know how.”

Agatha wasn’t listening; she was deep in thought, already pouncing on his ask for help.

“Let’s be smart about this,” she said. “Merlin had two theories: either the sword wants you to prove you’re king or the sword is being controlled by someone who doesn’t want you to be king. In any case, grabbing at the sword day after day isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

“But loafing around on a cloud isn’t going to solve the problem either,” he said, sitting up.

“You’re forgetting the most important thing Merlin said. He said it isn’t only our quest that’s run into trouble. It’s our whole class.”

“That would explain all those strange attacks in the Woods,” said Tedros. “So you think whoever is messing up their quests is messing up ours too?”

“Maybe Merlin’s two theories are actually one,” Agatha nodded. “The King of Camelot is supposed to be the leader of the Woods. If something Evil is happening out there, you have to go and find it. You have to figure out what—or who—is disrupting our missions and set things right again. Maybe then you’ll be able to pull the sword loose. Maybe that’s your real quest.”

Tedros’ face glowed with hope … then dimmed. “Agatha, a king can’t just desert his people and go questing in the Woods. Not when they already doubt me. Who knows how long I’d be out there? Look what became of this place while I was gone at school. Total chaos. Even if my reign has begun badly, if something happened to me, Camelot would end up in the wrong hands again. Maybe forever this time.” He shook his head. “I can’t go.”

“But I can,” Agatha jumped in, as if she’d known this would be their conclusion.

“Agatha, I asked you for help. Not to take over my test,” said Tedros impatiently. “You heard Merlin. This isn’t your quest. It’s mine.”

“And my quest is to be your queen. Helping seal your place as king is more worthy of a queen’s attention than picking frosting for our cake. All I need is a few knights for the journey. Chaddick will be back any day with a new fleet for your Round Table—”

“He hasn’t answered my letters in weeks,” Tedros said. Then his face changed. “You don’t think something went wrong on his quest too?”

“Even more reason for me to go, then, and to go right away,” Agatha replied. “I need to find out what’s stopping all of us from fulfilling our missions, Good and Evil. This is as much my test as it is yours, Tedros. You’re not in this alone anymore.”

Tedros saw the steely resolve in her big brown eyes and suddenly he knew that if he didn’t let her go, she would go on her own.

“I shouldn’t have asked you to butt in,” he muttered.

“We’re going to be married soon, Tedros,” Agatha reminded him. “I’m supposed to butt in.”

Tedros said nothing, picking at his shorts. “So how long would you be gone?”

“A few weeks. I’ll send you letters each night.”

“A few weeks in the Woods … alone?”

“But I’d see all our friends again,” Agatha pressured. “And it would mean I can get away from Lady Gremlaine.”

Tedros bit his lip, as if he couldn’t deny her such a pleasure. “Even so, it’s too dangerous,” he said, shaking his head.

“I survived Aric. I can survive anything.”

Tedros grimaced at the name of Lady Lesso’s sadistic son. “Questing in the Woods alone is a death sentence, Agatha—”

“Then I’ll take someone with me. Like … Willam.”

“Willam? The altar boy? He can’t even look me in the eye, let alone fight.”

“Do you make it a habit of looking altar boys in the eye?”

“All I’m saying is—”

“The matter’s settled. I’ll leave tonight,” Agatha declared. “And I suspect that’s what Merlin wanted all along, because he dropped a clear hint of how I could escape the castle without anyone knowing. …”

Baffled, Tedros started to ask what this was, but Agatha added: “The only question is who will take over wedding planning.”

She looked at him hopefully.

“You’re joking,” said Tedros. “I have enough on my plate, thank you.”

“I could hire someone.”

“With what money?”

“Someone who would do it as a favor to the kingdom.”

“And this someone would have good taste, be as invested in the wedding as you and me, manage all facets of a royal occasion that has to go off without a hitch, and also work for free?” said Tedros incredulously.

“I should think so.”

“It will take months of searching to find such a person, Agatha. If such a person even exists.”

“Mmm, not really.”

Tedros cocked his head. “You have someone in mind?”

“Do you trust me?” Agatha asked, eyes twinkling.

“You know I do.”

“And I can pick anyone I choose?”

“Of course. You’ll be queen soon.”

“Then promise me this is my choice and no one else’s.”

“I promise, but honestly—”

“Good,” said Agatha, climbing into his lap, “then I’ll pay her a visit on my first stop into the Woods.”

Tedros peered at her, mystified. “Pay who a visit? Who’s ‘she’—”

He choked.

“HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMNED MIND!”

“You said it yourself. We can’t just cut her off,” Agatha replied, hands sliding up his chest.

“Not we! You!” Tedros shouted. “You think I’ll let her plan our wedding? I’d rather eat glass for a month—I’d rather drown myself in hot lava—no no no no no—”

But now she was clasping his cheeks and kissing him, long and slow, and it’d been so long since she’d kissed him that suddenly he could think of nothing else … only her soft lips on his and his beautiful, brilliant bride-to-be …

“I love you, Tedros,” she whispered.

“And I love you too,” he breathed. “But no.”

“If only a king’s promise wasn’t stronger than a prince’s,” she said, smiling like a cat.