Star Quality

It was hard enough doing class every day when you had a dragon like Mum breathing down your neck. Mum wouldn’t accept any excuses! Well, other than injury. Not even I would ever have dared to say I didn’t feel like it. Not even when I’d had a streaming cold or loads of homework or just a general feeling of fed-upness. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d have had the discipline to carry on all by myself, as Caitlyn had done. Obviously Caitlyn had never had any feelings of fed-upness. Never once had she lost sight of her dream.

Dreams can seem such flimsy things! I always picture them as being like puffy white clouds, high up in the sky, floating along quite happily until – poof! – a sudden gust of wind comes by and blows them to pieces, and all we’re left with is little bits and pieces, scattered through the universe.

Caitlyn’s dreams had obviously been made of sterner stuff. No gust of wind had ever come bursting into her daydreams. She had this fierce determination which had driven her on. But even the fiercest determination needed some encouragement!

Mum shook her head. “Maddy, you can’t fight other people’s battles for them,” she said. “You did all you could. Now it’s up to Caitlyn.”

I sighed. Common sense was all very well, but I did so want us to be together!

The next day, when I turned in at the school gates, I found Caitlyn waiting for me. Her face was one big beam.

“It came!” she cried.

“The letter?”

“Yes!”

“You got in?”

I didn’t really need to ask. The beam told me everything.

“I still can’t believe it! I honestly never thought I would. Not after messing up like that. I thought they’d just tell me to go away and not bother them. It’s all thanks to you! If I hadn’t been able to watch what you were doing, I—” She broke off. “You did get yours?” She looked at me, anxiously. “You did hear?”

“Not yet,” I said.

“Oh.” Her face fell. “Maybe it’ll be waiting for you when you get home.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Don’t worry about it. The main thing is that you’ve got in!”

“I won’t tell anyone,” promised Caitlyn. “Not till you’ve heard, as well!”

I struggled for a bit, then said, “That’s OK. You can tell people.”

I knew she must be dying to. But Caitlyn said no, it wouldn’t be fair. “We’ll wait till we can both do it.”

“What about Mum?” I said. “You ought to tell Mum! And Sean. You’ve got to tell Sean. Give him a call right now!”

“Now?” She looked shocked. “He might be asleep.”

“So wake him up! It’s good news; he’ll be happy. Go on, quick, before we have to go into class.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if you did it?” she said.

I said, “Me? Why me? I’m not the one that’s got good news!”

“Please, Maddy.” She clasped her hands together. “You do it! Then you can tell your mum, as well.”

I shook my head. “You are such a coward,” I said.

He was my brother, for goodness’ sake! And in spite of being one of Madam’s favourites and one of the Company’s leading dancers, he is one of the easiest people to talk to. Unlike some I could name (but won’t cos it could be libel), he doesn’t have any sort of star complex. Caitlyn really ought to know him well enough by now. It was high time she got over her schoolgirl crush! But it didn’t seem fair to nag her, specially when she’d been so noble and self-sacrificing about keeping her audition result a secret until I’d had mine.

I did rather wonder why my letter hadn’t yet come. I knew it wouldn’t be waiting for me when I got in cos the post had already arrived when I’d left that morning.

“D’you think the others have heard?” I said.

The minute I said it, Caitlyn turned pink all over again.

I said, “They have?”

“They texted me this morning,” she said. “They’ve both got in.”

“Why didn’t they text me?”

“Cos they knew I’d tell you?”

“But they’re my friends as much as yours! Why didn’t they text both of us?”

“Maybe because … cos we all know you’ll get in. You’re, like … up there –” she raised a hand above her head – “and we’re, like, sort of …”

“Sort of what?”

“What I mean –” she was starting to sound a bit desperate – “it’s like you’re royalty!”

I said, “What?”

“Your mum and dad! You’re like a sort of royal family. Of the ballet world,” she added, hastily.

I stared at her, horrified. “That’s completely mad! I’m just the same as the rest of you.”

“You’re not,” said Caitlyn. “You know you’re not. I’m very glad you’re not, cos if it hadn’t been for your mum …”

Who did sometimes behave a bit like royalty, I had to admit.

“We don’t hold it against you,” said Caitlyn, earnestly. “It’s not like you boast about it or anything. It’s just one of those things. You don’t have to worry like the rest of us. But p’raps you shouldn’t tell your mum about me getting in until you’ve heard, cos I’m sure you will tomorrow.”

But although I hung around the following morning, waiting till the last possible moment, not a single letter came fluttering through the letter box. Caitlyn was in a state of jitters at the school gates, anxious in case the bell should ring before I got there.

“Did it come?” she cried.

I shook my head. “Not yet.”

“Oh.” Her face fell. “I was sure you’d have heard by now!”

“It’s OK,” I said. “As soon as I get home, I’m going to give Mum the good news about you.”

Caitlyn opened her mouth to protest.

“No,” I said, “I am! It’s not fair to keep her waiting. She’ll be so pleased when I tell her.”

“But what about you?” wailed Caitlyn. “Why haven’t you heard?”

I shrugged. “I dunno. Post, maybe? Letters are always getting lost.” That, at any rate, was what Dad said. He had this theory that all over London there were huge bags of mail that posties had just dumped. “They’ve probably gone and put it through the wrong door, or something. I’m not bothered! It’ll come.”

I said I wasn’t bothered, and it was true, I wasn’t. Not really. I couldn’t help thinking it was a bit odd, though. Caitlyn obviously thought so, too. I could tell that it was preying on her mind. At breaktime she rushed up to me and hissed, “I know why you haven’t heard!”

I said, “Why?”

“Cos you’re in the second half of the alphabet and we’re all in the first!”

I frowned.

“It’s got to be,” said Caitlyn. “Think about it!”

“Mm … maybe.” I supposed it made sense. Roz Costello, Alex Ellman, Caitlyn Hughes, Madeleine O’Brien. “I’m still going to tell Mum, though!”

I told her when I got back from school that afternoon, even though my letter still hadn’t come. Dad was there as well. He said, “Caitlyn? This is your protégée that you’ve been nursing?”

“I knew it would pay off,” said Mum. “I knew she had it in her!”

“It was me that discovered her,” I said. “Me and Sean. What’s a protégée?”

Dad groaned. “Don’t they teach you anything at that school? Protéger … to protect?”

“You mean, like, Mum’s been protecting her?”

“Guiding her,” said Mum. “Mentoring, if you like.”

Teaching, in other words. I opened my mouth to point out – in case she had forgotten – that I was the one who’d taught her first, but Mum cut in ahead of me. “What I want to know is why Caitlyn’s heard and you haven’t?”

“Oh, we think that’s just cos of me being in the second half of the alphabet,” I said. “All the others are near the beginning.”

“What others?” said Mum, rather sharply.

“Other people that have heard.”

Mum’s eyes narrowed.

“Costello, Ellman, Hughes …” I ticked them off on my fingers.

“They’ve all got in?”

Mum’s gaze flickered across the room to where Dad was sitting.

Dad, very faintly, hunched a shoulder. “Probably just some administrative glitch.”

“Not good enough!” snapped Mum. “Totally unacceptable! If she hasn’t heard by tomorrow, I’m going to be on that telephone demanding to speak to someone.”

“Oh, Mum, no, don’t, please!” I begged. It was bad enough everyone thinking I was like some kind of royalty, just because of who my parents were. I had been quite shocked that Roz and Alex had chosen to tell Caitlyn their good news and not me, simply cos of thinking I was above it all. I wasn’t above it all! I didn’t expect special treatment. I never got special treatment. If anything, Mum was harder on me than on anyone else when she took us for class. She was positively soft on Caitlyn! She never chewed her out or accused her of having arms like waterlogged balloons, like she’d once done to me. But she does undeniably have a lot of influence, and friends in high places, and I desperately didn’t want her wading in on my behalf. I could just hear her. “This is Madeleine O’Brien’s mother. I’m wondering why it is that my daughter hasn’t yet had her letter of acceptance … I presume it is on its way?”

My toes were curling in shame just at the thought of it.

Dad, fortunately, came to my rescue. “Let’s hold fire for a day or two. I’m sure there’s no cause for concern.”

“I’ll give them another twenty-four hours,” said Mum. “But that’s as far as I’m prepared to go.”

“I thought you weren’t worried,” I said.

“I’m not worried!” Mum tossed her head. “What should I be worried about? If Caitlyn’s got in, you’ve got in. I just want things settled.”

Fortunately the letter arrived the very next day. Just in time to stop Mum embarrassing me!

“So what does it say?” said Dad. “I’m on a knife-edge here!”

“It says she’s been offered a place,” said Mum. “What else would it say?”

“You tell me,” said Dad. “All that fussing and fuming!”

“I wasn’t worried,” said Mum.

But I knew that she had been. Just for a little bit, Mum had actually had doubts. She had actually considered the possibility that I might not get in. It was a sobering thought. Did it mean Mum didn’t have faith in me?

Fretfully I said, “If you’d let me go when I was eleven, I’d be in my second year by now. Why didn’t you let me go then? Most people do!”

“Sean didn’t,” said Mum. “He didn’t go till he was nearly fifteen.”

I said, “Jen did!”

But Jen had got married and had a baby and given up dancing. That was practically a sin in Mum’s book.

“Is it because of her you wouldn’t let me?” I said. “Cos you were scared I’d do what she did?”

I’d once heard Mum and Dad discussing it and saying how maybe they’d made a mistake and pushed too hard. That maybe Jen’s heart hadn’t really been in it.

“I’d never give up just cos of having a baby,” I said. “I don’t even like babies all that much.”

Dad said, “Hah! Famous last words … That’s exactly what your mum used to say. And then she went on to have the three of you!”

“Yes, but I carried on dancing,” snapped Mum.

“Until you had me,” I said.

“You were an accident,” said Mum. “But anyway, it was nothing to do with Jen giving up. If you want to know the truth, your dad and I weren’t totally convinced that at the age of eleven you had the necessary discipline for full-time training.”

I stared at her, indignantly. How could she say that? When I’d been dutifully attending classes three times a week for almost as long as I could remember! I hadn’t ever grumbled or complained. Not even when she’d told me my arms were like waterlogged balloons or my fingers like bunches of sausages. In front of the entire class! I’d never resented it. Well, only a little bit. It had never stopped me trying to improve. I’d always worked hard; I’d passed all my exams. What more did she want?

“We just needed to make sure,” said Mum, “that you were really committed. I’ve felt once or twice with Jen that maybe she was only going along to please me and your dad, because it was expected of her, and that perhaps if we’d held her back a bit she might have chosen a different path. We always knew with Sean that his heart was set on it. He only waited till he was older because boys can. There wasn’t any particular rush. But thirteen is a perfectly good age! You don’t have to look all reproachful. You’ve been accepted; you’ll be starting in September. What’s the problem?”

I said, “There’ll be some people that have been there two years already!”

It would make me feel inferior. Everyone would know who my mum and dad were. They would wonder why I’d left it so late.

I’d never thought that way before; I’d always just accepted that I would go to ballet school when I was thirteen. I’d never really queried it. I hadn’t had any idea that Mum and Dad were holding me back cos they didn’t think I had enough discipline! It came as a bit of a shock, to be honest.

“You won’t be the only one who’s just starting,” said Dad. “And let’s face it, you couldn’t have had any better training. Your mum may be a tyrant, but believe me, there’ll come a time when you’ll thank her for that!”

“Yes, and just think,” said Mum, “if we’d let you go when you were eleven, you would never have met Caitlyn. We all know how much she owes you, but it’s far from being a one-way street … It wasn’t until you made her your pet project that you really started to show commitment. I was so proud when she took that audition with me and I knew that it was you who’d been teaching her … I couldn’t have done a better job myself!”

I glowed. I couldn’t help it! Mum almost never praises me. The most she’ll say is, “That’s a bit better.” Not even better: just a bit better.

Dad caught my eye and winked. “Wonders will never cease, eh?”

“What wonders?” said Mum.

“Maddy knows! Don’t you?”

I giggled and nodded. It was good, having Dad on my side.

“You and your little secrets,” said Mum. She patted my head as she left the room. “I think you’ll find I always give praise when praise is due.”

“So there you have it,” said Dad. “If I were you, Mads, I’d go away and have a bit of a gloat … I’d say you deserve one!”

It was our very first day at CBS. Caitlyn had begged me to wait for her at Waterloo so that we could walk there together. She’d said, “I know it’s silly, but I’m all trembly.” I hadn’t teased her cos to be honest even I felt a bit of a quiver as we went in through the main entrance. We may have been coming to the school for almost a year for our extension classes, but we had only been visitors then. It was very different being full-time students. At last we could feel that we really belonged.

We’d spent the morning having registration, copying timetables and doing ordinary academic lessons – maths, English and geography, in this case – just as we would at any normal school. Now, at last, it was lunchtime. A group of us were sitting at a long table in the canteen, all eagerly looking forward to our first dance class of the day. There was me and Caitlyn, Roz and Alex, Tiffany Blanche, a tiny girl from Hong Kong called Mei, and Tiffany’s friend Amber, whose surname I couldn’t remember.

“Hey!” Tiffany suddenly leaned across and prodded me. “Maddy! Why was it again that you didn’t come here at eleven, same as most of us?”

It was the second time she’d asked me. The first time I hadn’t lowered myself to reply. I hadn’t liked the way she’d asked the question! All superior, like anyone that was any good would have joined the school ages ago. What business was it of hers why I hadn’t come when I was eleven? Now here she was, at it again, poking me, hoping to hear that I’d initially been turned down and had had to reapply.

You can tell with some people that they just want to score a point. I knew why she wanted to score a point. We’d hardly gathered for registration before Mei had recognised me and squeaked, “Oh! You’re Sean O’Brien’s sister! I saw your photo in a dance magazine!”

“Not just me,” I said, hurriedly.

It had been all of us. Mum, Dad, me, Sean. Even Jen, who wasn’t dancing any more. Ballet’s Royal Family was what it had said. It had made me want to cringe. Caitlyn, needless to say, had been triumphant. She’d laughed and said, “Royal family … I told you so!”

I wished Mei hadn’t seen it. I hadn’t asked to be photographed. It’s incredibly embarrassing when you’re doing your best to be just another dance student and no different from anybody else. It hadn’t bothered me at school when my friends had gone round boasting to everyone that “Maddy’s family is famous!” They weren’t actually famous, except in the ballet world, and no one at school had been particularly impressed. Being a ballet dancer isn’t exactly the same as being a pop star. But now I was with people for whom ballet was the most important thing in the whole world. The last thing I wanted was to be singled out. I didn’t mind them knowing who my mum and dad were, or that Sean was my brother. It wasn’t like I was trying to keep it a secret. I couldn’t have done, anyway. Almost everyone already knew. The dance world is quite small and Mei wouldn’t be the only one who’d seen the photograph. But drawing attention to it had obviously got right up Tiffany’s nose! And now she was getting right up mine. Was I the one who’d mentioned my family?

“I’d have thought,” said Tiffany, dipping her spoon into her yoghurt pot, “that you wouldn’t have wanted to waste any time. Personally I couldn’t wait to get here!”

“Me neither.” Amber nodded, eagerly. “I knew I wanted to come here right from the very beginning.”

“Maddy knew from the very beginning that she was going to come,” said Roz.

“So why didn’t she?”

“What d’you mean, why didn’t she? She has. She is. Isn’t she?”

Roz stared round as if to say, or am I seeing things?

“She is now,” said Amber.

“You surely must have been ready for it?” Tiffany was leaning forward again. A clump of yoghurt went splodging on to the table. “Oops!” She scooped it up and put it into her mouth. “I mean, it would be rather odd if you weren’t.”

I seethed, inwardly. I’d told Mum this would happen!

“I could have come earlier if I’d wanted,” I said. I probably could have, if I’d nagged hard enough. It had just never occurred to me. I’d always been quite happy to wait till I was thirteen. Until now.

A wave of doubt suddenly engulfed me. Could it mean that Mum was right? That it wasn’t until starting to teach Caitlyn that I’d developed a proper sense of commitment?

“You honestly didn’t want to?” said Tiffany. She and Amber exchanged glances. They shook their heads. Unbelievable!

“You probably didn’t need to come earlier, did you?” said Mei. “Not if you had your mum to teach you.”

“Yes, cos Maddy’s mum,” said Roz, “she’s f—”

“Yeah, yeah!” Tiffany rocked back on her chair. “We all know who her mum is. And her dad. And her brother.”

“This is what I’m saying,” said Roz. “Maddy could have come here any time. But when you’ve got one of the best teachers in the world …”

I cringed. Mum is one of the best teachers. Roz was trying so hard to be loyal! But she was just making matters worse. And now Caitlyn was chipping in, as well.

“If anyone wasn’t ready,” she said, “it was me.”

“Oh?” Tiffany’s gaze immediately switched direction. “Why’s that?”

“Cos I didn’t even start learning till I was eleven.”

“You didn’t start learning?” Amber’s gaze had also switched direction. It was like Caitlyn was some kind of creature from outer space, the way they were studying her.

Mei said, “That’s amazing! You must have loads of natural talent.”

“She has,” I said.

“But I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! It’s all thanks to Maddy,” said Caitlyn. “She was the one that believed in me. She gave me my first opportunity! And she was my first teacher.” She giggled. “She was really strict! Not as strict as her mum, but she did used to bully me.”

I said, “What cheek! I never bullied you.”

“You did,” said Caitlyn. “You were always lecturing me, saying how I didn’t have any backbone. And then –” she turned back to the others – “you’ll never guess what?”

“What?”

Everybody, now, was craning forward to listen.

“She made me learn her part for the end-of-term show at our school and right at the very last minute she went and twisted her ankle – pretended to twist her ankle – and said I had to go on instead cos I was her understudy. I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I was, like, shaking in my shoes!”

“Why?” said Tiffany. “What were you terrified of? That’s what being an understudy’s all about.”

“So long as you knew the part,” agreed Amber.

“She knew the part,” I said. “She just wasn’t properly trained. She’d never had a single lesson till I started teaching her. And I’d only been doing it for a couple of months! So going on in my place was incredibly brave, if you ask me.”

“I’ll say,” said Alex, who’d heard the story before. “You wouldn’t have got me doing it!”

“I didn’t want to,” said Caitlyn. “It was only cos of Maddy, bullying me.”

“So what happened?” said Mei.

“What happened,” I said, “was that she gave a totally brilliant performance and Sean saw it and told Mum and Mum said Caitlyn had better let her see what she could do, and as soon as she saw her she said she’d take her on.”

“She gave me this special scholarship,” said Caitlyn. “Cos she knew my mum couldn’t afford lessons.”

“That is so romantic,” breathed Mei. “Like something out of a fairy tale!”

Tiffany said, “Hmm.”

What did she mean, hmm? What was she implying?

“Mum doesn’t take on just anybody,” I said.

“I’m sure,” purred Tiffany.

“It just helps,” said Amber, “if you know the right people.”

Earnestly Caitlyn said, “Yes, it does! I was just so lucky.”

“It’s the sort of thing,” agreed Roz, “that will go in your biography.”

“Oh,” said Tiffany, “is someone going to do a biography of her?”

“Probably,” said Roz. “When she’s famous. They might even make a movie.”

Tiffany looked at Roz with distaste. Then she looked at Caitlyn and her lip curled. I knew what she was thinking. How could someone so utterly ordinary ever hope to become famous?

It’s true that Caitlyn isn’t striking like Tiffany, with her long limbs and her blond hair. She isn’t especially pretty, like Roz, and she doesn’t have Mei’s daintiness. It’s only when she dances that she really comes alive. Offstage she can seem quite mouse-like and unremarkable. On stage she has what Mum calls star quality. It’s not something that can be taught; you either have it or you don’t. Sean has it, in buckets. By all accounts, Mum also used to have it. I am not sure that Jen did. I hoped that I might. I knew I came across, as they say. Across the footlights, that is. I don’t just fade into the background. But whether I actually had star quality … Mum had never told me that I had. On the other hand, maybe she wouldn’t. She’d never actually told Caitlyn; only said it to Dad one day, when she didn’t realise I was listening.

“Do you know, I really think little Caitlyn might surprise us all … She definitely has potential.”

“Star quality?” Dad had said, and Mum had said yes. “Star quality.”

I couldn’t help wondering if she’d ever said it about me. If she’d ever even thought it about me. Maybe it was just something she took for granted when it came to her own children. We were the O’Briens! Of course we had star quality.

Tiffany was still gazing at Caitlyn with a sort of amused contempt. “Famous!” she said, and gave a little snigger.

“D’you know,” said Caitlyn, solemnly, “I’ve never even thought about being famous. Have you?”

She addressed her question to the table at large.