The First Time Mums’ Club

But now that there was a baby on the way, she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to keep this image up. She couldn’t handle people talking about her behind her back. And she was prepared to do anything to make sure that didn’t happen.

*****

Imogen watched out of the window as the world passed by. They were on their way to Alice’s parents’ house and she was so incredibly nervous, the nausea she was already suffering from had increased tenfold. She didn’t understand why she was nervous. She knew deep down that Alice’s parents would be nothing but elated over this news. This was her mother’s doing. Every time she was about to do anything big like this, her mother’s words of disappointment hung over her like a wet blanket, pushing down onto her lungs, making her feel claustrophobic. Nothing she could do would please her mum, because the only thing she saw in Imogen was the fact that she was gay. Nothing else seemed to matter. And as much as Imogen embraced the fact that she was in love with a woman, there was still that small part of her that her mum was able to attack with just a few words, which made her confidence come crashing down. All she ever wanted was her mum’s approval. Clearly that was too much to ask for.

‘Are you okay? You look a bit peaky?’ Alice glanced over to her as she drove and then rested her hand on top of Imogen’s.

‘I’m fine. Just feeling a big sick, that’s all.’ She placed her other hand in the pocket of her hoodie, resting it on her stomach.

‘It’s going to be okay; you know that, don’t you?’

She didn’t know that. There were so many things that could go wrong both with this pregnancy and everything else that it entailed. And her mum. Just thinking about her mum brought on so much anxiety. ‘I really admire you, Alice.’

Alice laughed in response. ‘Really? Why?’

‘You’re just so positive about everything. You see the good that can come out of every situation; nothing ever fazes you.’ She wished she could be more like Alice.

‘Oh, come on, Ims, you know that’s not true.’ Alice kept glancing over to her as she drove.

‘It is! You never worry about things; you just get on with it and make things happen. You don’t worry about what other people think and you just breeze through life, enjoying it.’ Anxiety settled in the pit of her stomach and she recognised the feeling instantly. Having suffered with anxiety attacks in the past due to stress, she knew the warning signs. She concentrated on her breathing and looked out of the window so that Alice couldn’t see panic in her eyes. She kind of wished she hadn’t worn the hoodie now as she felt a bead of sweat trickle down her chest. She rolled her sleeves up, exhaling.

‘Listen. You are an incredibly strong woman. You have so much to be happy about; you don’t even need to entertain anyone else who wants to be negative in your life. You have me, and we have this baby – that is all you will ever need.’

She nodded but didn’t answer. She could feel her heart rate increasing, pounding, reverberating through every inch of her skin. The high-pitched noise ringing in her ears as she desperately tried to slow her breathing. Don’t do this, not now, she told herself. She concentrated on the spot of dirt that she could see on the window. She needed to channel all her energy into this spot, focus, bring everything down a level and breathe. In through her nose; out through her mouth. She needed to do this as discreetly as she could; she couldn’t let Alice see that this anxiety was making a comeback. And because of her mum, yet again. All she ever wanted was to have that close mother-daughter relationship that others had with their mums. And now she was pregnant, it just highlighted the fact that she didn’t have this with her mum. She would never have that mother-daughter best-friend relationship – and that hurt more than anything.

But she couldn’t go through what she did before when the anxiety got too much. It took over her life and caused so many problems both in her relationship and at work. She was determined not to let that happen again. She just needed to focus.

Thankfully Alice had taken her silence as thoughtfulness and was giving her a few minutes. Imogen leant over and turned the volume dial on the music up a little, letting the song wash over her. She didn’t recognise the song but the heavy guitar solo was too much for her brain, it made her feel erratic and stressed. She flicked the button and selected the next station. A gentle, but upbeat song was playing and she instantly felt a little lighter. She left it playing and leant her head on the headrest of her chair, closing her eyes and steadying her breathing. She could do this. She just needed to take things one step at a time. Get through the here and now and she could sort the mum issue out when she felt stronger.

She felt Alice’s hand again on hers and she wrapped her fingers around hers, taking comfort in knowing she’d always have her Alice.

*****

‘I can’t believe how busy this place gets.’ Ellie turned the dishwasher on for another cycle and began to stack away the plates she had just unloaded. ‘I mean, seriously, when do you get a chance to have a cuppa yourself?’

Zoe laughed. ‘Don’t be silly. I am here to make other people tea and coffee, not drink it myself.’ She was busy plating up a panini and slid the plate along to the serving hatch, already pulling out some bread for the next order.

‘Is it always this manic?’

‘On a Saturday at lunchtime, yeah.’

‘That’s crazy.’ Ellie closed the cupboard and wiped the tops with antibacterial spray. ‘I mean, it’s great and all, but it’s crazy!’

‘What can I say? People love my sandwiches.’ Zoe was a total natural at working, constantly moving her hands and running here and there, but looking as cool and calm as a cucumber as she did so.

‘You were always good in the kitchen, to be fair. Me, I couldn’t boil an egg without ruining it. Remember that time I was making cheese on toast for us all because Mum said it was about time I started doing the lunch and I totally forgot about it and started watching that model programme?’

‘Oh God, you nearly burnt down the house!’

Ellie laughed fondly. ‘I know! But she never asked me to do lunch again – winning!’ she sang.

‘Well,’ Zoe said as she slid a plate of salad and some prawns towards her sister. ‘You’d better learn some basics fast, sis, because you’re not staying here rent-free without lifting a finger. Prawn and avocado salad on there, please.’

Ellie looked at the ingredients in front to her. ‘Prawn and avocado salad,’ she repeated, almost to herself, nodding. ‘Fair enough, no cooking required – I can do that.’

‘Of course you can. Stop always putting yourself down.’ Zoe threw a tea towel at her.

‘Well, when you’ve grown up with Little Miss Perfect over there it’s hard to stand out.’

‘Oh believe me, Els, you stand out all right.’ Zoe chopped some lettuce and said, almost under her breath, ‘And Miss Perfect, I ain’t!’

Two hours later and they finally got to take a five-minute break. Ellie slumped into a chair and sipped at her tea. ‘Oh, my goodness, this is pure heaven. How do you do that every day?’

‘Well, to be fair, it isn’t that crazy every second of every day. Saturdays are busy. That’s just the way things are in a café. Although, saying that, I am very lucky, we do get a steady stream of customers in every day. There are quieter periods during the week, but generally, it’s doing okay.’

‘You’ve really made this work. You’ve done so well.’ She felt a smile of pride sneak over her lips.

‘Thanks, sis. It hasn’t been easy, but I got there in the end. Dad was brilliant with helping me start up and, I have to give him his due, he’s always been around ever since.’

Zoe knew what she was doing. ‘Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.’ She felt a surge of annoyance at the mention of her dad. Everyone knew that he worshipped Zoe and his princess could do no wrong. Ellie couldn’t do anything right when it came to her father. Not that she cared what he thought.

‘Oh, be quiet! I’m not rubbing it in. I’m just saying, he’s not as bad as you like to make out he is.’

‘Zoe, the man couldn’t give two shits about me. As far as he is concerned, he only has one daughter.’

‘That’s not true and you know it!’ Zoe’s voice was stern, but she wasn’t angry.

‘Of course it is. When Mum died, all he cared about was making sure you were okay. He wasn’t interested in what I had to say.’ She tried not to let the jealousy show, but she could feel the feelings from her childhood rear their ugly heads. She tried to push them back down into the box she kept them tightly locked in.

‘Ellie, that’s because you didn’t have anything you wanted to say. You were so hell-bent on self-destruction that you didn’t even talk to any of us. Dad had a hard time too.’

‘I spoke to you, didn’t I?’ She could feel the emotion already creeping up her throat, making it feel sticky and restricted.

‘Yeah, only because you had no choice.’

‘No, because you made time for me. He didn’t even care.’

‘Come on, you’re being silly. Stop making yourself the victim all the time. It was a hard time for us all. You can’t hold that against him for the rest of his life. You’re being selfish. Are you telling me that you would rather stay stubborn and have no parents than make amends and make the most of the parent you do still have?’ Zoe had leant forward now into Ellie’s face, making her argument more prominent.

Ellie stood up as a bolt of frustration shot through her body. ‘Are we really having this conversation? I came here because I wanted help from my sister, not because I wanted the third degree about why my dad doesn’t care about me.’ She stormed towards the kitchen door that led out to the back of the café shop.

‘Oh, for goodness sake, he does care about you.’ She threw her hands up. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Out.’ And she slammed the door behind her as she left. She had no idea where she was going to go, but she needed to go somewhere. There was no way she was going to cry over something as silly as her dad.

*****

‘Okay, this is it. Are you ready?’

Imogen smiled at Alice as she nodded. ‘As ready as I’ll ever be.’

She had spent the remainder of the car journey calming herself, using various techniques she had learnt previously to deal with her anxiety. Thankfully it hadn’t developed into anything she couldn’t handle. She put it down to the additional hormones that were whizzing around her body at the moment. Her poor body had been through so much recently, what with all the testing and medical interventions, it was no wonder she felt a bit alien to it.

They exited the car and made their way to the front door of Alice’s parents’ house. It was a beautiful detached bungalow with the most adorable little front garden. Whilst the front of the house was fairly close to the country lane it was built on, the back garden more than made up for it, stretching back as far as Imogen could see, reaching the woods that lay beyond. Alice’s parents took pride in their bungalow and this was clear to see from the well-kept gardens and immaculate furnishings within. Imogen remembered the first time she had been here years ago. Stunned by the modern refurbishment Alice’s parents had undertaken shortly after they’d moved in, the bungalow felt fresh, bright and free-flowing. Having downsized after Alice and her brother moved out, her parents had bought a smaller home, but had completely gutted it and transformed it into what they wanted. They had even built an annexe in the garden for when their children came to stay. Whilst Alice and Imogen only lived half an hour down the road, Alice’s brother had moved abroad and so, when he came to stay with his family, they were able to have some privacy but be close to their parents. It was the loving family that Imogen has always wished for, but had never really had. Even more reason to make sure her baby would have the upbringing she didn’t and Alice was more than up for the job.

Imogen felt nervous, but more of an excited nervousness. Alice parents were lovely and they totally embraced them and their relationship. The girls could be themselves whenever they were round there and it was like a breath of fresh air.

Alice rang the doorbell and bounced on her feet excitedly. ‘Here goes.’ She gave a little squeal to emphasise her excitement.

‘Alice, Imogen, come in!’ Alice’s mum was tall and slender and she had the most beautiful long, chestnut hair, which she always wore in a plait. Older than Imogen’s parents, Alice’s parents were both retired and having run their own business for many years, were in a very good financial position. She ushered the girls in and greeted them both with a hug and a kiss. ‘Your father is in the garden sparking up the barbecue.’

‘Oh nice! You should’ve said you were going to do a barbecue, we would’ve brought some food with us.’

‘Oh, it was a last-minute thing, you know your father. He has these good ideas and you have to strike while it’s hot. Plus we didn’t know the weather was going to be like this, so we’re doing it before the rain comes. We’ve got plenty of food anyway.’ She turned to Imogen. ‘Are you okay, sweetie, you look a little peaky today?’

Imogen was stumped for a response, concentrating so hard on not blurting out their good news just yet, she froze and couldn’t think of a reply that wasn’t ‘I’m pregnant!’

‘She’s fine, she’s just tired, that’s all,’ Alice chipped in and Imogen smiled in thanks as Alice’s mum walked off into the kitchen shouting, you’ll need a cardy on though, Alice – the wind is chilly.

‘I don’t know why that happened,’ she whispered as she followed Alice through to the conservatory.

‘It’s fine. We will tell them in a minute and get it out, so you don’t have to keep it in.’ Alice smiled lovingly at Imogen, her big brown eyes creasing around the edges as she did so. ‘You’re such a weirdo, I love it.’

They walked out into the brightly lit conservatory and through into the garden, where she could see Alice’s dad standing broadly over the barbecue, placing various slabs of meat onto the grill.

‘Hey, Dad,’ Alice called out as she approached him. ‘Any excuse for a barbecue, hey? What’s cooking?’

‘There’s my girl.’ He stepped away from the barbecue and pulled her into a huge embrace, kissing her forehead. ‘And there’s my other girl.’ He repeated the same for Imogen. From the word go, Alice’s parents had treated Imogen like a second daughter.

‘Hi, how are you?’ she asked as she pulled out a chair from the table and sat down.

‘Yes, I’m good. Been tinkering with that car I showed you both last week, you know, the Stag?’

Imogen loved how passionate Alice’s dad was about cars. Alice had grown up with going to car auctions with her dad and helping him fix up old cars to sell on. More recently, he had been branching out into classic cars and a Triumph Stag was one of his favourites. He was so excited when he found this one last week, he had called Alice up and the pair of them had talked cars for almost an hour. Imogen didn’t understand the fascination, but she respected his passion and always engaged in conversation with him about his latest challenge whenever they met up.

‘How’s it going? Is it up and running yet?’ Imogen asked, feeling happy at the inclusion.

‘Oh, it’s a blinder. I’ll show you both after we’ve eaten. Here, Alice, you’ll take it for a spin, see how she runs?’

‘Course, Dad.’ Alice was going back and forth into the kitchen to help her mum bring out some food for the table. ‘You don’t mind, do you, Ims?’

‘Course she doesn’t mind. We can have a girly chat whilst you two are off doing your father- daughter-car thingy.’

Imogen laughed at Alice’s mum’s struggle with defining their quality time.

‘Well, that’s sorted, then.’

Because Alice had been a real daddy’s girl growing up – and still was – her mum had taken Imogen under her wing from the word go and she could tell that Alice’s mum secretly loved doing more girly things with her and talking about celebrities and clothes shopping and all your stereotypical ‘girl’ things. As much as Imogen and Alice were not your stereotypical gay couple, when it came to things like shopping and celebrities, Alice couldn’t give a monkeys, whereas her mum loved a gossip with Imogen.

‘Did you see that programme last night about the plastic surgery? That woman’s nose!’ Alice’s mum’s face was hilarious; the shock made her eyebrows rise and practically touch her hairline. She continued to pour out some juice for Imogen. ‘I mean, I know when we all get a bit older some of us like to get some help in the looks department. Hell, I wouldn’t say no to a few fillers here and there,’ she laughed, ‘but that nose job was horrendous!’

‘I didn’t see it. Not sure I have the guts to have surgery for anything. Imagine if it went wrong – especially on your face!’

‘You don’t need surgery, my lovely. You are perfect as you are.’

‘I’ll second that!’ Alice said from behind Imogen and she jumped in surprise.

‘You scared the life out of me; I thought you were in the kitchen.’

Alice placed the salad bowl in the centre of the table and laughed. ‘Sorry.’

When Alice had finished bringing all the food out and she had sat down at the table to join everyone else, she looked at Imogen and gave the slightest nod. Imogen nodded in return. They had agreed this little secret-code exchange before they’d left. Their way of letting each other know that they were ready to do the big announcement. Imogen took a deep breath.

‘Mum, Dad, we have some news.’

Imogen watched as Alice’s mum’s face began to light up. She had guessed already. Although, when someone says they have news, and they are already married, it is automatically your next thought. Alice’s dad, however, was still oblivious.

‘We are having a baby!’

Alice’s mum was already squealing and had jumped up instantly, pulling her daughter in for a huge hug. ‘Oh, my God, girls, that’s amazing news!’

‘Well, bloody hell!’ Alice’s dad, stood up. ‘Come here!’ He pulled Alice from her mum’s grasp and squeezed her into another.

Imogen didn’t have much time to take it in because Alice’s mum was now pulling her up, wrapping her arms around her and saying, ‘Imogen, this is the best news!’

‘Thanks, we can’t quite believe it ourselves.’

And here was her dad, pulling Imogen in for a cuddle.

They all took their seats back at the table.

‘When did this all happen? I mean, how long have you known?’ Alice’s mum was now sobbing. She took the tissue her husband was holding out for her and dabbed her eyes.

‘Imogen took the test yesterday morning. She got sent home from work because she was throwing up and she called me and then took the test and it was positive!’

Pride swelled in her chest as she listened to Alice retell the story. Alice was so excited and happy, the words were just tumbling out of her mouth and Imogen felt so emotional knowing that she was a part of the reason for making Alice so happy.

‘This calls for a celebration. I’ll get the special champagne out from the garage.’ Alice’s dad pointed at Imogen as he left the table. ‘Not for you, mind, you can have some orange juice.’ He winked at her and she laughed as she saluted him.

This was exactly how telling your parents should go.

Chapter 6

Pippa waited another half an hour before she picked up her phone and began to type. She hated it when he made her feel like this. It wasn’t as though she was an obsessive wife who needed to know where her husband was at every point during every day, but recently he had been so distracted when he was at home, she couldn’t help but wonder where he was when he wasn’t with her. This morning he had got up early and left, after telling her yesterday that he had some things to do at the office today and that he wouldn’t be too long. Even though it was a Saturday, she had been okay with it because she thought he wouldn’t be too long, as he had said. But it was now nearly five and he was still not home. She had tried everything to distract herself from the thoughts that had been accumulating in her mind. She couldn’t push out the images from before and what it had amounted to. Surely he wouldn’t do that to her again?

After doing her normal delivery to the café first thing, she had traipsed around town, picking up a few things for her bakes next week, some pregnancy essentials (which she had secretly really enjoyed doing after waiting so long to finally be able to buy them) and dinner for this evening, which she had decided would be a little celebration dinner following their amazing news yesterday. And finally, returning home to an empty house, she decided to clean the kitchen.

Cleaning was her go-to thing to do when she was stressed. A tidy house; a tidy mind was her motto. It was also the way, her friends had learned, that everyone kept tabs on how Pippa was feeling. They knew that when the house was sparkling, Pippa had something on her mind or was feeling stressed about work-related things – not that she would ever admit to it. She took pride in everyone thinking she was the perfect housewife and business owner. Funnily enough, no one ever questioned her marriage. She supposed that was because, on the surface, Pippa had a fairytale marriage. She and Jason had met in high school and got together when they were just fifteen. They split up for a bit when Jason had got itchy feet about being tied down and she had caught him texting another woman. She later found out he had been having an affair with her. But after a few years apart, he came back to her, claiming to have got it out of his system. He missed her and wanted to settle down and they had got married the following year. Jason had been at his job at the communications company since he started when he was seventeen and had worked his way up the career ladder to manager. Of course, when he started, he was simply an assistant to the assistant of the regional manager. Their friends would joke that he was an assistant’s assistant and would tease him about having such a mediocre job. But he worked hard and had now worked up to being regional manager himself. He worked long hours, but it was financially rewarding and meant they could buy their dream home out in the Shropshire countryside that they had both always dreamed of. It also meant that they were financially stable enough so that Pippa could take a step back from work temporarily when she had the baby. This had been the case for quite some time now, but she just hadn’t fallen pregnant. But now, she had finally conquered that stage and was now well on her way to fulfilling their dreams and starting the family she had always wanted.

Except, behind the perfect marriage image that she and Jason portrayed, things were falling apart. He was spending more and more time at work recently and she hardly got to see him. He would come home stressed and, as a result, they would argue and whenever he had time at home, or if they went on holiday, after a couple of days of niceties, he would become distracted and distant and she felt she had to fight for his attention away from his mobile phone. ‘It’s work stuff’ he would tell her, ‘I can’t just leave them at the office fending for themselves without me; the place would fall apart if I wasn’t there.’ Which was lovely, knowing how important he was to the company, but when you are out for a romantic meal on holiday and your husband keeps whipping out his phone, it is hardly the romantic dinner a girl dreams of.

How’s it going? Will you be much longer? Xx

She sent the message and waited another half an hour before trying to call. Voicemail. She left a message for him to call her when he got it and finally, at six-thirty, she heard from him.

‘Hi, sweetheart, sorry I took so long. Things have been manic here. I swear, without me, this place would go under!’

‘Well they are incredibly lucky to have such a hardworking employee. I didn’t think it was going to take so long today. I thought you would be home by midday.’ She was being totally honest when she said this. When he said to her yesterday that he had to go in and sort some things out, she thought two, maybe three, hours maximum, and then they could go out and spend some quality time together. He had been working so much recently, it was actually a miracle she had even fallen pregnant. Had they not had that crazy weekend last month, she would have claimed miraculous conception or even tested the theory of ‘there must be something in the air’.