The First Time Mums’ Club

‘Mrs Anderson, she’s back!’ little Becca screeched as Imogen walked into the room.

Mrs Anderson came over to her, immediately looking worried and, if she was honest, a little pissed off. ‘Everything okay?’ she asked, cautiously eyeing her up and down.

‘Yes, sorry. I just felt really sick all of a sudden.’ She put her hands onto her hips to help convince her that she was okay.

Mrs Anderson eyed her up and down before saying, ‘You don’t look too great. Do you need to go home?’

She shook her head. ‘No, I’ll be fine. Just need to grab some water, that’s all.’

‘You don’t need to be a hero, we all get sick. If you need to go, then go. I don’t want the whole class coming down with a bug.’

Imogen closed her eyes for a second as two little boys ran past her screaming, one of them barging into her and causing a wave of nausea to wash over her again. ‘I can’t, you need me in here. There’s no one to cover. I’ll be fine, honest. I just need some water.’ She felt another surge of acid in the back of her throat and frantically swallowed to hold it back.

‘Imogen, that’s not your problem. You can’t help being ill. We can pull in another assistant from somewhere, just let Mr…,’ It was too late. She had to run again. This was not a good feeling, she thought to herself, as she bolted back into the toilet. After round two had finished she admitted defeat and went home.

Walking through the front door and throwing her keys down into the bowl, she slumped onto the sofa and picked up her phone, pulling up Alice’s number.

Had to come home, been sick twice this morning already.

Alice almost immediately called her back. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I was fine when I got up but I’ve been sick twice at work.’ Just the thought of it made her stomach churn.

‘Really?’ The excitement in Alice’s voice did not go missed. ‘Well, that’s great news!’

‘Thanks. Glad to see my misery is causing you so much happiness.’ She let out a feeble laugh and immediately stopped because of the feeling it gave her in her stomach.

‘Sorry, baby, but you know what I mean. This could be it!’

Imogen shook her head. ‘No, don’t do that.’

‘What?’

‘Don’t go getting your hopes up again. Not like last time.’ The painful memories of previous attempts of checking and every time it being negative swam around her brain, making it feel cloudy.

‘Oh come on. This is different. You don’t normally feel sick, let alone actually be sick. This could be our month! Oh my God, I’m so excited. Have you done the test yet?’

‘No.’

‘What? Come on, don’t be silly. Just do it already. You were going to do it tomorrow anyway, what’s a day early?’

‘Don’t you want me to wait until you get home?’

‘No way! It’s 10.30 in the morning; I’ll never be able to concentrate all day knowing this. Come on, just do it. It’s in the cupboard.’

Imogen stood up, but immediately sat back down as a wave of sickness began to descend again. ‘Fine, I’ll call you back.’

‘Make sure you do. I’ve got a meeting in about fifteen minutes so I’m timing it. You’ve got ten minutes. Go!’

Imogen laughed. ‘Okay, fine. Bye.’

‘Love you! Bye!’

Imogen hung up with a little giggle to herself. She absolutely loved how excited Alice was. She always got so passionate about things, that’s why Imogen fell in love with her.

Their relationship hadn’t been an easy ride. Imogen’s parents were not exactly supportive when she told them she was gay. Actually, unsupportive is probably an understatement. Imogen’s mum cried. She cried for about two weeks every time she saw them. First they were tears of anger – although Imogen never quite understood why she was angry – and then tears of sadness.

‘I’m never going to have grandchildren,’ her mum would wail every time it was brought up. Which was a really silly way to look at things, but she had supposed that it was just her mum’s way of dealing with the shock of it all. But no, things just continued to get worse. It went from never having grandchildren, to never going to her daughter’s wedding – which she didn’t – to ‘what will the neighbours say?’ It broke Imogen’s heart to see her mother so distraught but equally, it made her angry, too. She wanted her family to be more like Alice’s. Alice’s parents embraced her sexuality and had been like surrogate parents to Imogen. They were truly amazing people and Imogen was glad to have that positivity in her life when there were already so many negative people trying to inflict upset on them. Like their neighbours, who insisted on shooting them disgusted looks every time they went out together.

Alice’s view was very much just let them get on with it. She was an incredibly strong person, who didn’t take any crap from anyone. Whereas Imogen was a worrier. She cared what people thought and what they said. Which was the sole reason it took her so long to eventually come out. She tried to act as if people’s comments didn’t bother her, but they did. A lot.

Thank God she had Alice. Her rock.

She pulled the test out of the shiny white bathroom cabinet and opened it up. She didn’t need to read the instructions; it wasn’t as though this was the first time she had done one of these.

She sat on the toilet and took a deep breath. ‘Here goes,’ she whispered, praying for a miracle. She wasn’t sure she could handle another negative.

Chapter 2

‘Ellie, what are you doing here?’

Zoe whipped her sister into a huge, warm embrace and Ellie instantly felt the urge to cry. She had held onto the emotion for the whole three-hour drive it had taken to get to her sister’s café, but the second she had wrapped her arms around her, tears rapidly filled her eyes …

‘Just wanted to see my sister, that’s all,’ she croaked, knowing full well that this line was not going to work on her.

Zoe pulled away from Ellie, looking at her in a way clearly indicating that she didn’t buy the story. She still had her hands on Ellie’s shoulders when she added, ‘Really, Els, what’s up?’

‘I just needed to get away.’

She didn’t need to say any more. Zoe smiled at her – you know, the kind of smile that said Okay, you don’t want to talk, that’s fine – and ushered her into the kitchen at the back of the café. ‘Here, sit down and I’ll make you a cuppa.’

Ellie took the proffered stool and instantly felt a rush of relief. Everything was going to be okay. She was here, her big sister would help her and everything would be okay. Zoe and Ellie’s relationship was a close one. They hadn’t been particularly close growing up, but once they got into their teens, their closeness began to grow. And when Zoe decided to fly the nest, she did it properly and moved what felt like a million miles away to Shropshire. It broke Ellie’s heart, not that she showed it, and even though they spoke on the phone pretty much every day, she missed having her big sister just around the corner. When Ellie had flown the nest, she’d moved a hundred yards down the road from their family home. Whilst she was adventurous in the sense that she pursued her career as a make-up artist, slaving away for pretty much no money for hours every day just to get experience until she qualified, she still liked to be close to the family home. When their mum died, nearly ten years ago now, Ellie fell apart. Zoe had come back home to London – it had only been a few months since she had moved to Shropshire – and picked up all the pieces whilst Ellie went off the rails a little. Not a fact she was proud of but she needed to do it. It was her way of coping. Being the older sister had its unwritten responsibilities and Zoe stepped up whilst Ellie crumbled. But Ellie never forgave herself for that.

Yet, here she was again – running to Zoe to help pick up the pieces. She would never match up to her perfect sister, so why bother trying?

‘So, come on. You clearly haven’t driven 170-odd miles just to have a cuppa with me. What’s going on?’

‘Nothing major. Just needed a break and I figured I haven’t seen you for a few months and it was time I came to you.’ She shrugged to add effect to the I’m fine, what’s the big deal persona she had created the second she entered the café.

Zoe didn’t buy it, but instead of grilling her, she just said, ‘Hmm, fair enough. How long are you here for?’

Ellie hadn’t thought that far ahead. When she saw the little pink line on the test, she’d panicked. She hadn’t even said anything to the director of the shoot she was on, just grabbed her stuff and left. She had numerous calls on her phone throughout the car journey here and a few stroppy voicemails too. This was not going to be good for her reputation. But she didn’t know what else to do. She couldn’t run to her dad for help, he would go mad at her. Ellie was ever the disappointment to him. She was nothing like his Zoe. ‘Why can’t you be more like your sister,’ he would throw at her in the years following their mum’s death. Because Zoe, whilst she mourned, took it as a springboard and catapulted herself into work, opening up the café and making it a success. Whereas Ellie struggled to stick at a job and then decided to take up being a make-up artist – much to the dismay of her father. Their relationship broke down and she barely spoke to him now.

And normally, in a situation like this, she would go to Chris for advice. But that was off the table, too.

So here she was. In Shropshire and indirectly calling out to Zoe for help. She just needed to pluck up the courage to actually tell her.

‘I don’t know yet. I’ve taken a little break from work and I thought I’d come and explore the countryside. See what all the fuss is about!’ she smiled at Zoe, a big fat fake one, and sipped the tea. ‘Ah man, Zoe, you do seriously make a wicked cup of tea. I’ve missed these!’

‘Why, thank you. Do you know what you’re missing, though?’

Ellie shook her head.

‘A slice of cake. Bakewell or Victoria sponge?’

Ellie thought for a second; there was only one reply to this question at a time like this. ‘Both.’

*****

Pippa had just finished boxing up all the cakes for tomorrow’s delivery to Zoe when Jason walked in the front door. She jumped in surprise at the sound of the door slamming and knocked a box of cupcakes onto the floor.

‘Damn it!’ she cursed, hurriedly picking them up and inspecting the damage. ‘Great!’ All but one cupcake out of the box of twelve, had split open, causing a frosting crime scene. She dumped the box on the side and grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. She could whip up a batch of cupcakes with her eyes closed, but she had looked forward to having a sit-down after her hectic day today, she was so tired. In all the pregnancy books she had read – which was a lot – right about now the baby would be the size of a lentil – how was something that small making her feel so shattered?

Jason strolled past the kitchen door without even popping his head in to say hello. Pippa knew instinctively that this must mean he hadn’t had a good day at work. She glanced at the clock; he wasn’t due home for another hour yet. She placed the bowl down onto the side and made her way into the living room.

‘Hi honey, you’re home early?’ He was slumped on the sofa, already flicking through the channels. He didn’t answer. She walked over to him and sat down next to him, placing a hand on his knee. He wasn’t a big man but, at the same time, he wasn’t slim. But that’s what Pippa had always loved about him, having a bit of meat to hold onto. Except that recently he had started to lose weight. Not enough to change his appearance massively, but enough to be noticeable. She knew he had been stressed at work lately because his whole attitude had started to be short and distance. And now it was clearly having an effect on his weight. ‘Everything okay?’

‘Fine,’ was his reply. He didn’t move to indicate he had felt her hand.

‘What’s happened?’ She tried not to take his bad mood personally, but she couldn’t help it. His sharpness stabbed at her emotions like a knife and she felt the tears prickle behind her eyes as frustration showed its face.

He exhaled impatiently and stood up. ‘Just a bad day.’

‘Well, talk to me. I’m your wife, that’s what I’m here for.’ Same argument, different day.

He turned to look at her in frustration, hands brushing through his short, cropped brown hair. ‘Why? You’re hardly going to be able to help me. I come home to chill out, not bring my work home and spend hours talking about it. See, this is what you don’t understand. You skip off every day to your silly little job baking cakes and talking to women when I’m at work slogging my guts out to bring home a decent wage. This house, the bills… those clothes you’re wearing. It’s all because of my job. My hard work. So when I’ve had a bad day, the least you can do is let me chill out and not annoy the hell out of me!’

‘Jason…’ she started to talk but the tears had now filled her eyes and she hiccupped as one rolled down her cheek.

He looked at her and for a fleeting moment she saw irritation in his expression, before he exhaled. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just been a really shitty day at the office and I’d rather not talk about it.’ He put his arm around her and hugged her close, stroking along her back as she snuggled into his chest. ‘Come on, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. You know I don’t mean all that.’

She sniffed back the tears. ‘I just hate seeing you like this. Every day for the last few weeks, you’ve been coming home miserable.’ She felt disappointment settle as she knew her whole revelation of being pregnant was not going to go as planned now. ‘And you know I try my hardest to earn more. I’m trying my best and I promise I will try harder to make more money so that I can help out more. I’m getting there.’ She hated this argument. They bickered regularly and every single time the argument came back to money and how she didn’t contribute as much as he did. And she felt really shit about it.

‘I know, I’m sorry. It’s just things are pretty hectic and today Betty walked out, leaving me with no receptionist and a shed load of meetings planned for next week…’

‘Oh no!’ she gasped. ‘Why did she walk out?’ Pippa liked Betty.

‘Who knows? She said she’d had enough of being treated the way she was and that she was done. She just stood up and left. Just like that. No word of warning, no letter of resignation, just… gone.’

‘Honey, I’m sorry.’ She rubbed his arm, but again, he didn’t react. ‘But maybe I can cheer you up?’

A smile immediately crept across his face as he sat back down on the sofa and leaned into her, sliding his hand along her thigh and nuzzling into her neck. ‘No, wait, I didn’t mean that,’ Pippa smiled as she gently pushed him off. ‘Wait here, I’ve got something that might make you smile.’ She jumped up and ran into the kitchen, opening her handbag and rummaging for the card.

‘Shall I just meet you upstairs?’ he called out, innuendo screaming from his comment.

‘No, wait there. I’m coming.’ She grabbed the card and in one swift movement, slid it behind her back to hide. She walked into the living room with the biggest smile plastered across her cheeks. She couldn’t wait to see his face. ‘Are you ready?’

‘As I’ll ever be,’ came the response and he held out his hands.

She placed the card into them and squeaked like a mouse as she sat down next to him again. ‘Go on, open it.’

‘It’s not my birthday, Pip.’ He eyed the card suspiciously.

‘It’s not a birthday card.’

He looked at her in confusion. ‘Well, what is it, then?’

‘Just open it and find out!’

He thumbed the envelope open and stared at the Surprise! text. Another glance to her with knitted eyebrows indicated just how baffled he was.

‘Go on…’ she prompted. The excitement was just too much. Swarms of butterflies circled inside her tummy as the anticipation grew. Seven years she had waited for this moment. Seven years she had spent reading textbooks and looking online and planning every second of her dream pregnancy and now was the time.

He opened the card and read the words. Silence. He didn’t move for what felt like minutes, though it was probably only a few seconds. Slowly he looked up at her. ‘Are you serious?’

She nodded, hardly able to contain her excitement. ‘Yes.’

He looked back down to the card and then placed his head in his hands. Pippa instantly switched from elation to disappointment. ‘What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy?’

He hesitated before saying, ‘Of course I am.’

‘Well, it doesn’t look like you are.’ The tears were welling again.

He shook his head. ‘I am. It’s just not great timing, with everything going on at work. But it’s fine, we’ll get through it. It’s fine.’

Pippa couldn’t hide her disappointment. She took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from falling. This wasn’t how this scenario was meant to play out. In her head he had been up and screaming with elation. Jumping around, holding her tight and saying how he couldn’t believe, after this many years, that he was finally about to become a daddy.

But no. He didn’t do any of that. He hadn’t even given her a hug. She slid along the sofa towards him and held out her arms.

‘Sorry baby, come here.’ He pulled her in for the cuddle she longed for but it didn’t feel sincere. It felt forced, like he didn’t mean it. ‘We’ll get through this, it’ll be fine. I just need to work out what I’m going to do at work. But it’ll be fine.’

But she didn’t feel fine. She felt cheated. This was supposed to be their life-changing moment.

And it had fallen flat on its face.

Chapter 3

Ellie looked around the café and took it all in. She hadn’t been up here for absolutely ages and was really quite impressed with how far Zoe had come. She let her eyes run over every inch as she sipped at the third cup of tea Zoe had placed in front of her now that she was sitting at a table in the corner. When Zoe had taken the café on, it was the most miserable- looking building you could imagine. Paint peeling from the walls, a dingy kitchen that needed some serious TLC and a broken window. But now, looking at it, Ellie couldn’t believe how amazing it looked.

She absolutely loved the way Zoe had kept things so simple but it gave such a punch. The walls were kept an off-cream colour, but she had explosions of vibrant pinks and greens to accentuate. Light fittings, the serving hatch and bookshelves, all splashed with colour, kept the room feeling bright and exciting. There was a new addition since the last time she was here too, in the form of a little section in one corner, which housed a few shelving units and a table filled with things to purchase. Ellie stood and took a stroll over to it to browse. The shelves were full of little bits and pieces, bespoke, unique, one-of-a-kind-type objects. She chose a little figurine of two girls playing with some building blocks and was immediately transported back to being four years old and playing with Zoe. She missed those days. When had life become so complicated?

It was the teatime rush and there were swarms of people buzzing around and lining up waiting to be served. Ellie had offered to help her sister but was told, categorically, to sit down, have some more tea and relax. Thankful for the excuse to not talk about what was going on in her life, she took the chance and did as she was asked.

Weaving her way back to the table she was sitting at, Ellie took her phone out and saw that she had fourteen missed calls, two voicemails and three text messages. She was glad she had put it onto silent when she got here. She knew Jenni wouldn’t let up about the job. She quickly flicked through the texts first. Nothing of interest: just two from work and one from her neighbour asking about the milkman. She led such an interesting life. Next, she scrolled the missed-call list. Pretty much what she expected. Jenni… Jenni… Jenni… oh…

She looked at his name. Why had he tried to call her? Did he know? He couldn’t know, she hadn’t told anyone. She felt a wave of nausea creep up and swallowed it down, trying to stop the impending fear creeping up. She hesitated before clicking onto the voicemail and tentatively listening.

‘Ellie, its Jenni,’ Relief flooded her body quicker than a hot shower. ‘I don’t know what is going on with you today but you need to sort yourself out and call me back. I need to know whether I need a new make-up artist for the shoots I have you booked for next week. Call me as soon as you get this, please.’

She wasn’t happy. But then again, neither would Ellie be if someone she had booked for work just up and left without an explanation. She listened as her phone told her she had another new message.

‘Els, it’s me.’ She held her breath as she listened to Chris’s silky voice. ‘Why aren’t you answering my calls? You said you wouldn’t be weird. Come on, pick up.’

She placed her phone on the table and dropped her head into her hands, her straightened hair falling over her shoulders and brushing the tabletop. What had she got herself into?

‘Well, that doesn’t look like someone who is fine.’

Ellie snapped her head up to look at her sister. She laughed nervously, to buy herself some precious seconds of thinking time. ‘I’m just tired after the long drive, that’s all.’

Zoe placed a plate in front of Ellie that had a cheese-and-tomato panini with salad and crisps on the side. ‘Maybe this will help perk you up.’ She followed with a can of Coke and a straw.

‘Thanks, sis.’

‘No problem. Eat up and when I’ve shut up shop I’ll take you upstairs to sort your stuff. I figure you have stuff with you… in the car?’

Oh right, stuff. That would’ve come in handy ‘Um… actually….’ The thought hadn’t crossed her mind until now. She didn’t bring anything because she just got in the car and drove. Whereas in the past her impulsiveness had brought her many exciting adventures, sometimes it simply backfired.

‘It’s fine. I’ve got everything you’ll need.’ She placed a hand on Ellie’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘You eat up and we’ll have a chat when we go upstairs. I’ve only got a few more bits to do, so I won’t be long.’

Ellie smiled her thanks and took a bite from her panini. She wasn’t looking forward to this conversation.

*****

‘Imogen, where are you?’

She immediately jumped up from the sofa and ran to the hallway to greet Alice. As she rounded the corner of the stairs, she saw the flowers first.

‘Oh my God, where are you?’ she joked, peering around the huge bunch of flowers to see Alice’s face. ‘These are humungous!’

‘Only the best for my beautiful girl.’ She handed the flowers to Imogen and leant in for a kiss. Imogen smiled as Alice’s soft lips brushed delicately onto hers.

‘They’re gorgeous, Alice, thank you.’ She looked at the array of pinks and green and instantly fell in love with the vibrant yellow sunflower in the centre of the arrangement.

‘And I got this for me – but you can’t have any, Mummy.’ Alice held up the bottle of champagne and Imogen didn’t care at all. Not one bit. Because she was carrying their first baby. The baby they had longed so many years for. The baby they had spent weeks crying over when the test results had showed a negative time after time.

‘Guess I’ll have to get used to not drinking for the next nine months, eh?’ She rolled her eyes dramatically, but really she couldn’t care less about this fact.

‘It’s okay, I’ll hold the fort and take on your drinking for you.’

‘Come on, sit down. Put your feet up and I’ll start the dinner.’ Imogen turned to walk away when Alice shouted,

‘Wait!’ Imogen froze as Alice stopped her with her hand and walked back out of the front door.