Something Like Happy

Nick sat with his legs crossed and eyes closed as they went into the meditation sequence. He had to admit the yoga had felt really good, but he was a bit sceptical about the meditation. Weren’t you supposed to empty your mind? And how on earth were you supposed to do that?

‘Right,’ the instructor said, ‘you’re probably all wondering now, what the hell do you do next?’

There were laughs around the room, and Nick couldn’t help joining in.

‘I want you to focus on your breathing. Just count to yourself as it goes in and out. You’re bound to start thinking about something, but just look at those thoughts and say to them “Yeah, whatever.”’

There was another round of laughter.

Nick sat up straight and tried to concentrate on the in and out of his breath. He fully expected some stressful thoughts to bubble to the surface, but to his surprise the first thing that came into his mind was his mother, cooking the breakfasts for the guests at the big range like she always did every morning. He couldn’t bring himself to greet her in such an offhand way as instructed, so instead sent her a quick hello, and in his mind’s eye she lifted one hand to give him a wave in greeting. She had been over the moon when he had called her last Sunday. He sometimes wondered if she was truly happy where she was. Could that be why she had urged him to get out and do something else with his life?

In … Out … In … Out … With each breath he could feel himself getting more relaxed, and he rolled his shoulders a little, trying to release some of the ever-present tension in them. He could faintly hear the music from the gym next door, and the smell of plastic from the yoga mat that had thankfully looked fairly new and clean when he pulled it from the box in the corner of the room. If he really listened carefully then he could just about make out the sounds of people breathing in and out all around him.

Strangely enough, the next thing that popped into his head was Jade. It was the first time he had seen her with clothes that fit her closely, and he wondered how someone as skinny as her still managed to have such an amazing bum. He’d had plenty of time to admire it from his position just slightly behind her.

He realised he had completely lost his focus on his breathing and started counting again. He was kind of relieved when the instructor called time and they switched back to yoga again.

When the class was finally wrapped up, Jade lay on her mat for a second, feeling happiness and tired muscles in equal measure. Time for a shower, she thought. And then she would take Nick somewhere for lunch. Her stomach agreed with the last thought, and she smiled again.

A shadow fell over her. ‘Having happy thoughts?’ It was Nick.

She opened her eyes, twisting her head up at him. ‘Having thoughts about food.’

He gave her a grin, extending a hand downwards to help her up. ‘Great idea. My thoughts exactly.’

They were just rolling up their mats when one of the women from the class came over to them. Stunningly gorgeous was the only way to describe her. She was one of those people whose chestnut-brown hair looked amazing even when it was tied up in a messy ponytail, and her skin was lightly bronzed as if she had never spent a day in Scotland in her life. Jade didn’t even want to think about her figure, rounded in all the right places and flat in all of the others.

‘Hi. Can I just ask, are you two together?’ Her soft, sexy American accent just completed the picture of perfection.

‘Yes,’ Nick said, at the same time as Jade answered, ‘No.’

At the woman’s puzzled look, Jade rushed to clarify. ‘Oh, we came together, but we’re not together, together. We’re just friends.’

Were she and Nick really friends? She supposed they were, after a fashion. It would have to do. It was less complicated than the real story.

‘Oh, great.’ said the woman. She draped an arm round Nick’s shoulders. ‘Because I think you’re stunning. I just wanted to tell you.’ She gave Jade a wink. ‘How would you feel about going for lunch?’

Nick seemed speechless, and Jade suddenly felt an irrational burst of anger at this person, coming in and interfering in her life and her friendship. As Nick opened his mouth to reply, Jade spoke before she could find out what his answer would be. ‘Sorry, but not today. We’ve got somewhere to be.’

‘Oh.’ The beauty unwound her arm from Nick’s neck, clearly disappointed, and held a card out to Jade. ‘Well, honey, if you change your mind, just call me.’

Jade took the card, frowning slightly, as the woman turned away. She looked at Nick. ‘Did she …?’

Nick nodded, obviously struggling not to laugh. ‘Just hit on you, yes.’

Jade was still trying to comprehend what had happened. ‘So why did she put her arm around you? I thought it was you that she liked.’ She shook her head as Nick grinned.

Jade fingered the card. ‘Who the hell takes business cards into a yoga class?’ She suddenly looked at it in horror. ‘Come to think of it, where the hell did she have it stored?’

Nick suddenly lost his battle with laughter and doubled over, gasping as he tried to catch his breath. Jade joined him, laughing so hard that she just had to sink down onto the floor and sit for a couple of minutes. It was only the door opening with the people for the next class that brought them back to their senses.

Nick grabbed her hand, his large one closing around hers, and pulled her up to a standing position, wiping his eyes with his other hand. ‘Come on, Miss Stunning. We’ve got a lunch to eat.’

Chapter 4

As Jade showered, she puzzled over the reaction she’d felt when she thought that the bombshell was coming onto Nick. Did that mean she was attracted to Nick herself? As she had admitted to Lily, she did find him handsome, but he wasn’t her usual type. She normally went for bigger, more macho men with muscles and tattoos. Nick was too thin and wiry for her, with not a tattoo in sight. In sight, a wicked corner of her brain reminded her. She shook her head. She would bet a lot that he didn’t have one. He just didn’t seem like the tattooing type.

No, she said to herself firmly, as she pressed the water button yet another time, it was just that she was afraid of anything messing with their friendship, so soon after they had found each other. Also, of anyone messing with Nick, when he was in such a fragile state. And, she reflected, if she didn’t get out of this shower soon, she’d be in danger of losing his friendship from him having to wait for her so long.

They sat in the café with a happy buzz of background conversation washing over them.

Nick was tucking into a full English breakfast. ‘So,’ he waved his fork in her direction, ‘was the third thing on the list, do exercise?’

Jade shook her head, crunching into her toast. ‘No. Actually, it was meditate.’

Nick sighed. ‘I’m not sure how much meditation I did, really. I did a lot of thinking but can’t really say I reached a true meditative state.’

Jade realised he was teasing her, just slightly. ‘To be honest, it’s not really my thing either. I only started it because some of my Twitter followers suggested it. And I like Peter. He’s always funny when he does a class.’

‘Wait.’ Nick leaned towards her, food momentarily forgotten. ‘What do you mean, some of your Twitter followers?’

Jade blushed, realising she would have to tell him. ‘I write,’ she said, trying to keep her voice casual. ‘Not for money. I write short stories and publish them on the internet for people to read.’

Nick raised his eyebrows, obviously impressed. ‘What sort of stuff do you write? I mean, what kind of stories?’

‘Lots of stuff, really. But I guess mainly science fiction. Or really, what people these days call near future. Things that could happen soon, but not really far in the future. And occasionally some paranormal stuff.’

‘So how did the meditation thing come up?’

‘Oh.’ Jade had gone off on a different train of thought already, and Nick’s question dragged her back. ‘When I was putting together the happy list. I thought I’d poll people about what made them happy. Twitter is so full of negative people all the time.’ She paused, remembering. ‘It was great actually. Lots of people just find happiness in simple things. Spending time with their family. Going for a walk with the dog. Anyway, there were a few people who mentioned meditation. So I thought I would try it. And I found the class with Peter, which does make me happy. So I guess it does work.’ She smiled as she thought about her favourite suggestion though, from a woman and her vibrator. She wouldn’t mention that one to Nick. Not here, at any rate.

‘Go on, let’s have a look.’ Nick’s question pulled her out of her thoughts again.

‘At what?’ Jade looked at him suspiciously.

‘At your Twitter profile.’ He dug out his phone. ‘What’s your handle?’

Jade dived for her own phone in her handbag. Doing it this way, with any luck he wouldn’t remember it and then wouldn’t be able to look it up later. She pulled it up and passed it across to him.

‘Wow, more than five thousand followers. I’m impressed.’ He scrolled through a few of her tweets. ‘Have you ever thought of trying to get published?’ He placed the phone back on the table and returned to his breakfast.

Jade retrieved her phone, as if having it back would return the information to the mental box she had opened. She didn’t have to tell him the whole story. It was her private life to keep private. Still, she could tell him part of it. The part that didn’t hurt that much anymore. ‘When I was growing up, I wanted to. I really wanted to write for a living.’

Nick frowned. ‘What happened?’

Jade shrugged. ‘I went to Glasgow Uni to study English. I was convinced I was going to become the next JK Rowling or Isaac Asimov.’ She smiled slightly at the memory.

Nick was clearly listening intently, a piece of sausage left forgotten on his fork half-way to his mouth. She motioned at it and he recovered, did a fake double-take as if he had never seen it before, and ate it.

‘Anyway,’ Jade went on quickly, ‘we had some family problems in my final year and I bombed out of my exams and never went back.’

‘Wouldn’t they let you re-take them?’ Nick was quick in her defence, with indignation in his tone.

Jade twisted a finger through her hair. ‘They would have done. But after everything it all just seemed unnecessary, you know.’ She waved a hand, trying to sound dismissive.

Nick was silent for a while, as if he was trying to digest what she had said.

‘So what do you do for money?’ he finally asked.

Jade blinked. She had really been expecting him to ask about the reason she had flaked out of university. Maybe because this was the story she least wanted to tell. But it seemed for whatever reason that he either wasn’t interested or sensed her reluctance to go into any more detail.

She relaxed, leaning back in her chair. ‘I work at the go-karting centre. Down by the river.’

‘No way.’ Nick dropped his knife on the floor and hurriedly retrieved it, wiping it on his serviette. ‘That’s such a cool job. Do they let you drive the cars?’

Jade shrugged. ‘It’s OK. The guy who runs the place is pretty good. I only work on reception, but sometimes when the mechanics make repairs then they ask us to drive them round for a few laps just to check that things are working properly.’

Nick sighed. ‘I don’t know why I’m working in an office when I could be doing something like that.’ He finished off his last bit of food, placing his knife and fork carefully together.

‘I bet I earn half what you do,’ Jade pointed out. ‘And you don’t come home stinking of go-kart fuel.’

‘You just had to spoil the fantasy.’ Nick sighed again, this time theatrically.

Jade had to laugh at that. ‘No job is perfect.’

He rubbed his forehead. ‘I don’t know … I loved my job as a mountain guide.’

‘So why the hell are you here in Glasgow doing a job that you clearly hate?’ She found herself leaning forward, as if to emphasise the point she was making.

Nick looked at her, clearly surprised. ‘How do you know that I hate my job? I’ve never talked about it.’

Jade threw up her hands, wondering if she had to spell everything out. ‘Exactly. You never talk about it. Most people who love their jobs, you can’t stop them talking about it.’

‘I don’t hate my job.’ He must have realised he sounded unconvincing, because he amended, ‘Well, not much.’

‘So what’s so bad about it?’ she found herself asking.

Nick paused, as if wondering which item to pick from a very long list. Or just maybe no one had asked him that question before. He scratched his chin, which was covered in a layer of slightly rugged stubble. ‘A combination of things, really. It’s a pretty macho environment for starters.’

‘Tell me about it.’ Jade rolled her eyes. She knew all about that from where she worked. Still, it wasn’t like the guys didn’t care about the girls … they just did it in a slightly condescending way. ‘I’ve never heard a guy complain about that before.’

Nick pulled himself up straight, as if this was something that mattered a lot to him. ‘We’re not all the same, you know.’

Jade suddenly remembered the forgotten half of her breakfast which still lay on her plate and took another bite.

‘What is that weird orange stuff anyway?’ Nick pointed at her plate.

‘It’s called sobrasada according to the menu. From Spain apparently.’

He studied her plate, where the sobrasada was smeared on toast with mashed avocado. ‘Well, it’s the weirdest looking sandwich I’ve ever seen. I hope it tastes better than it looks.’

‘It’s amazing.’ Jade held out a piece. ‘Do you want to try it?’

Nick shook his head, rubbing his stomach. ‘I would, but I’m pretty full. I’ll have to have a try next time.’

‘Oh.’ Jade decided it was a perfect opportunity to tease him. ‘Does that that mean there will be a next time?’ She winked at him.

‘Well, what about next week?’

‘Next week we’re taking the oldies out again. Or have you forgotten your promise?’

‘Oh yeah. It’s in my diary. I wouldn’t have forgotten.’ Nick stretched happily, leaning back with his arms tucked behind his head.

Jade slowly crunched her way through the rest of her toast. ‘Peter does have a lesson at eight a.m., but that’s probably too early for you.’

Nick shook his head. ‘Not really. It’s only half an hour from my place. How about we go and then have a quick breakfast here before going to pick up the … oldies, as you call them?’ He paused. ‘I think I’m going to tell them that you called them that.’

Jade sucked in a breath. ‘You wouldn’t dare.’

‘Never.’ Nick smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges. ‘It’s our secret.’

And Jade found herself becoming suddenly warm under his gaze. Stop it, she told herself. We’re friends, nothing more. You have enough problems to deal with at the moment without taking on someone else’s too, remember?

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Yoga, then breakfast, then oldies, as you put it. But that means we might have to wait for the next thing on the list until the weekend after.’

‘Can’t we do it on the Sunday?’

Jade shook her head. ‘Working. You see, another point in the score against my job.’

‘You work Sundays?’ Nick was surprised.

‘Yep, six days a week. And mostly evenings too.’

‘Oh, my dreams of go-kart heaven are shattered. I feel for your poor little soul.’ He picked up her hand from the table and pressed it against his heart theatrically.

Jade snatched her hand away from his grip, her own heart hammering at the feel of his skin so close to hers. Even through his shirt then she had felt the warmth of his body, and it unsettled her more than she cared to admit. She stood up suddenly, almost knocking her chair over backwards.

‘I really need to go.’ She grabbed her coat from the chair, wrapping her scarf around her neck right up to her ears, as if she could hide from the world that way. ‘I promised to help my mum with some cooking.’ It was a lie, but she didn’t care. ‘Let’s pay at the till.’

Nick put his coat on too, seeming to be completely unaware of her inner thoughts, and they wandered back down to the bottom of the hill in silence. The rain fell in a steady drizzle, beading on Nick’s hair and making him look like he was grey before his time.

‘I’ll see you next week then.’ Nick leaned in for another quick kiss on her cheek.

‘Sure.’ Jade found herself smiling up at him.

He gave her a little wave as he set off down the street. Jade put her head down and resolutely walked the other way. She would put all thoughts of what had happened today out of her mind. Anyway, he’d never shown any sign that he was attracted to her. He was a nice guy. Just nice, she told herself firmly. Some kindness after all she had gone through was making her a bit soppy. And that was all it was. She had to keep her focus on what she was really supposed to be doing here, which was making sure that Nick was OK. Building him a support network in Glasgow.

The walk back put her in a better mood. The dull grey streets all sparkled in the wet, and the freshness of the rain made a change from the stink of the cars. By the time she got back home she was smiling. She loved Glasgow. Weather and warts and all. This was her city. And she was proud of it. Roll on life. She was ready for it.

Nick had hoped his muscles would have held up after last week’s class, but half-way through a yoga pose he felt his thighs beginning to tremble. Mind you, he hadn’t had anything for breakfast, so it was probably all his fault. The black cloud in his brain had come on so fast last night that all he could do was lie in bed and wait for it to pass. He was still waiting. The beautiful spring sun shining in through the windows made even more of a mockery of his mood.

At least he had made it through the week. That was his main goal in life, to pass as normal. Only he knew just how much effort it had taken to drag himself out of bed this morning and walk across town. But he hadn’t wanted to let Jade down. Or Archie.

Meeting Jade had given him some hope, and it felt as though she was the only thing that was getting him through his life right now. When he was with her the world seemed a little less grey and depressing. But he would never tell her how he felt about her though. Didn’t want her to feel like he was somehow fixated on her in a creepy way. She seemed happy to just be friends. And he could see why. Who would want to take someone on who was miserable most of the time?

To his horror he felt his eyes fill with tears. Not here, not now, he begged himself. He beat his feelings back into submission until they slowly simmered inside him, although he knew they were ready to boil over again at a moment’s notice. He shouldn’t have come, he knew that now. The sound of Peter’s voice as he ended the class felt like the biggest relief he had ever known.

He gathered up his mat, purposely not looking for Jade. He would go home. Sink into his bed. Never come out. And they would find his emaciated corpse when they finally broke down the door.

‘Depression lies.’ A voice spoke right next to his ear as he bent to put his mat back in the box. It was so quiet that he thought he must have imagined it. Was he starting to hear voices now?

He straightened and turned, only to find Jade not two feet away from him. ‘What did you say?’ He wanted to confirm what she had said. It felt so random.

‘I said, depression lies.’ She took his elbow and steered him towards the door. ‘Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s not you. Depression lies to you. It tells you things that aren’t true.’

He looked suspiciously at her as they strolled down the corridor. ‘How do you know what I’m thinking?’

She laughed. ‘Not what. I’m not a bloody mind-reader. But it’s pretty obvious that something’s going on. You haven’t said a word since you got here, and your eyes look kind of weird. In fact, I’m impressed you actually got here this morning.’

Nick’s brain got caught between pride in the fact that she was impressed with him, and panic at the thought that what he was feeling was visible. Did everyone know? Is that why no one had talked to him today?

Jade must have caught some of his more negative thoughts, because she nudged him gently. ‘Don’t worry. I’m just good at noticing that kind of thing. I’ve had lots of practice. Now come on, let’s get you something to eat. I could hear your stomach grumbling from halfway across the room.’

She disappeared into the changing rooms through the brown wooden door, leaving him staring after her. And one thought wound its way slowly through his tired brain, like a mole slowly carving its way through the dark soil. Who else did she know who felt like him?

Chapter 5

Jade put her arm around Nick’s elbow as they walked up the road to the café, as if she knew he needed some mental help to drag himself up the hill. ‘You will try the avocado today, won’t you?’ Her voice sounded almost accusing, as if she expected him to chicken out.

‘Yes, although I still think it looks pretty much like someone has thrown up on your plate.’

Jade snorted. ‘No more than that disgusting mess you made with your mix of egg, beans and mushrooms last time.’

‘It’s not the look, it’s the taste.’ Nick was defensive.

‘Yeah. Wouldn’t that be a good name for a café?’ Jade waved her free arm expansively. ‘Looks Shit. Tastes Amazing.’

Nick had to laugh at that. ‘I would go for Shit Looks. Amazing Taste. A bit more punchy. Bring in the customers.’

As they stopped outside the café, Nick turned to Jade. ‘How is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Because that’s what I’m feeling today. Like there’s a black cloud over everything. But then you just made me laugh. Which just feels weird.’

She looked up at him, startled by the sudden change of topic, and for one unguarded moment he could see his own emotions mirrored in her eyes. ‘I don’t know. All I know is that it is.’ She turned away, as if worried that he might see something on her face, but then suddenly turned back, an intensity in her eyes that surprised him.

‘They say that everything passes. But I don’t think it does. I think emotions are like the sea. It’s sometimes smooth and sunny, and sometimes the wind is blowing so hard you think you’re going to sink.’ She opened the door, and motioned for him to go in. And as he passed her, she added, ‘But it’s when you think you’re just about to drown that someone else tends to pass by with a life raft.’

She was his life raft, he realised. And he hoped she wasn’t going to disappear any time soon, because the thought of swimming through the waves on his own was enough to make him panic.

Nick had to admit that Jade had been right about the breakfast. The bread was amazing, and the freshness of the taste went much better with his unsettled stomach that a cooked breakfast would have done.

‘So, where are we going today?’ He pushed his empty plate back, surprised that he had managed to eat at all. Still, Jade had distracted him with random stories about funny things that had happened at work, and he had hardly noticed himself eating until he had gone to take another bite and found it all gone.

‘We were supposed to be going to the Kelvingrove Museum, but I got a text last night that with the weather as it is then we’re just going to have a picnic in the park.’

‘Sounds great.’ Nick stretched his long legs out under the table, taking care to angle them so they wouldn’t brush against Jade’s. Last thing he wanted was for that to happen. Actually, he realised he was lying to himself. He was craving physical contact today just like a thirsty person desperate for water. But the last thing he wanted was for Jade to feel uncomfortable with him. He didn’t think he would survive if he lost their easy friendship.