This Heart of Mine

“You look like you’re doin’ fine to me, all dolled up in those tight jeans. They must’ve cost a pretty penny.”

She’d been thinking she’d help support her mother if she could. Lizzie had trouble getting by on her disability check. But that comment made her wonder why she’d even consider it. “They were a gift.”

“From who?”

Phoenix hadn’t been planning to tell her mother about last night. But if she did, maybe Lizzie would quit reminding her how much everyone hated her. It was difficult to hear, even though, for all intents and purposes, it was true. “Kyle Houseman.”

Her mother’s fork clanged on her plate. “Why would Kyle Houseman give you anything?”

“To be nice,” she said with a shrug.

“Don’t you believe it!” she scoffed. “He’s Riley’s friend.”

Already, she regretted revealing her secret. “I’m aware of that.”

“Then why would you accept anything from him? If you get involved with Kyle, you can kiss your chances of a relationship with Jacob goodbye. Riley won’t put up with you messin’ around with his friends.”

“I’m not going to be ‘messing around.’ Kyle’s not coming on to me, Mom.”

Her mother gave her a “stop lying to yourself” look. “Then what is he doing?”

“Trying to be generous, I guess.” She wasn’t really sure. He just didn’t seem as judgmental as everyone else. Or maybe he wasn’t as close to Lori’s family.

“No one’s that generous to an ex-con,” her mother said. “He expects a return on his money, or he wouldn’t have spent it.”

“That’s so jaded!”

“I’d rather be jaded than a fool who learns the hard way.”

Phoenix could no longer taste her eggs, but she shoveled them down, anyway. “He’s a friend,” she muttered. “And I could use a friend right now.”

Her mother hooted, making Phoenix feel like the biggest idiot in the world. “He’s the kind of friend who’d like to get inside your pants and then drop you on your ass the same way Riley did. Boys like Riley and Kyle don’t date girls like you, Phoenix. It’s time you faced up to that. It’ll save you a lot of heartache later.”

Her mother just had to be crass. “I don’t even want them,” she said, and left her plate in the sink instead of cleaning up because she couldn’t bear to remain in Lizzie’s presence.

* * *

It was a lazy Sunday morning, the kind of perfect spring day when people breezed in and out of Black Gold Coffee in twos, threes or fours, talking and laughing. The laid-back feel of the place, as well as the trendy atmosphere with its wooden floors and chalkboard menu, helped take the edge off the residual anger Phoenix felt after that encounter with her mother. Lizzie had issues. Phoenix tried hard not to let them affect her. Still, there were times when Lizzie’s negativity washed over her like a tidal wave, threatening to drown her. She had so much difficulty dealing with her mother. Even when she was young it had been tough. At least prison had taken her out of that situation, not that she ever wanted to go back to living behind bars.

Now she was getting a short break from Lizzie and using the internet, as she’d wanted, but she couldn’t completely relax. Whenever she was in public she worried about running into a member of Lori’s family. She felt certain the Mansfields would cause a scene. So far, she’d been lucky. She hadn’t bumped into them—or Riley’s parents, who’d come out in such strong opposition to her seventeen years ago.

Coop, a friend she’d met in prison, would call a reprieve like that “a tender mercy,” and Phoenix was inclined to agree. Coop spotted tender mercies everywhere. Although she readily admitted to shooting her father when she caught him molesting her two-year-old daughter, and had three years left on her sentence, she managed to retain her optimism and keep fighting. It was her encouragement that’d helped Phoenix through her darkest times. You’re young and you’re beautiful and you’ll get out of here someday, she used to say. Then you can do anything you want with your life, and don’t let anyone tell you different.

For a second, it was almost as if she could hear Coop’s voice. That brought on a moment of nostalgia, made her miss Coop and a few of her other friends.

She decided to write them. She’d promised she would. But first she had to set up a Facebook account, she told herself, and focused more intently on the screen.

She wasn’t particularly good with a computer. She had barely enough knowledge and experience to be able to post her bracelets on Etsy and eBay, to manage her PayPal account and to respond to the people who contacted her, but millions of others had gotten on to the social networking giant, and she was sure she could figure it out, too.

The only problem was the bell that jingled over the door whenever anyone walked in or out. It was distracting. That noise signaled a change in her environment, alerted her to something new and potentially dangerous, and that made her tense—until she saw another individual or small group she didn’t recognize.

Fortunately, she had her coffee, so she could sit in the corner and try to go unnoticed behind her computer screen.

She was reading Facebook’s instructions when the bell went off yet again. She leaned to one side to see who it was—and did a double take. The last person she’d expected to come walking through that door was Jacob. He strolled in with a friend, both of them wearing beanies and looking so cute she couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride. That was her boy and he was big and handsome and smart. He seemed like a really nice person, too.

But she didn’t want to put him on the spot. She was afraid that singling him out might embarrass him. So she kept working as if she hadn’t noticed him. She thought he and his friend would grab their lattes or whatever they were getting and head out without glancing in her direction. But Jacob spotted her while they were waiting for their order and surprised her by saying, “Hey! It’s my mom.”

He’d spoken loudly enough that it would seem strange if she didn’t look up. So she met his gaze and smiled. She was just trying to decide if she should walk over, or if he’d rather she just waved. But she didn’t have to make that choice; he brought his friend to her.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

She turned her computer so he could see it. “Trying to navigate Facebook for the first time.”

“Piece of cake,” he said. “Let me help you.”

He pulled a chair from another table and slouched into it while Phoenix nodded politely to the boy who was with him.

“I’m Tristan,” his friend said.

“Tristan’s on the baseball team with me,” Jake explained.

She extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“It’s cool to meet you, too.” He gave her a bashful smile. “Jake told me you were pretty, but...I didn’t think you’d be this pretty.”

“Dude, are you hitting on my mom? Sit down!” Jake said with a shocked laugh.

Phoenix was slightly embarrassed but flattered at the same time. It was good to know Jacob was proud of her, at least in one respect. And she was even more grateful to Kyle, if indeed it was Kyle, for providing the jeans and blouse she was wearing. Otherwise, she’d be in the same clothes she’d worn on Saturday.

“One iced coffee, one mocha,” the barista called out, and Jake asked his friend to get their drinks.

“See? You click on this,” he told her, shifting so they could both view the screen. “Then you choose a username and put your personal information in here.”

“My real name is different enough that I’ll stick with that.”

“Okay.” He typed it for her.

“Do you set up the page the same way if it’s for a business?” she asked.

“You want one for a business, too?”

She saw that he was wearing the bracelet she’d given him. “Yeah. I have a little something going and thought a Facebook page might help.”

“I’m pretty sure it would be the same.”

Tristan returned with their coffees, but instead of getting up and heading out, Jacob continued to prompt her through the Facebook process while Tristan looked on.

A few minutes later, her personal page went live.

“We did it!” she exclaimed.

“I’ll friend you when I get home,” Jacob said.

“So will I,” Tristan piped up.

Jacob cocked an eyebrow at him. “Dude, you’re not friending my mother.”

Tristan went beet red. “Why not?” he muttered, but Jake’s attention had already shifted back to her Facebook page.

“What are you going to use as your profile pic?” he asked.

“Just a photo of some scenery I can grab off the web, I guess. I don’t have a camera.”

“That’s a problem I can fix.” He stood up and pulled out his smartphone. “Smile.”

The optimism and happiness she’d felt this morning, before her mother had quashed it, swelled inside Phoenix again. She grinned up at him, and he snapped a picture before returning to his seat.

“How’d it turn out?” she asked.

He leaned over so they could both look at it, and she breathed deep, taking in the scent of her child and wanting so badly to put her arms around him—to feel him against her just one time, since she’d never been able to hold him when he was a baby.

“It’s good,” he said, oblivious to all the chaotic thoughts and motherly desires he was rousing in her.

“That should work,” she said, and he emailed it to her so she could load it.

“Does your father work today?” she asked as they waited for the photograph to hit her in-box.

“No. He takes Sundays off, which means I’m off, too.” He rocked back and stretched out his legs. “Hallelujah!”

“You don’t like working with him?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think it’s too much fun when all my friends are out messing around. But...I like being able to do what I can do. Nobody else my age can install a water heater or frame a house or put on a roof. And giving up my Saturdays is how I saved enough to buy some wheels.” He motioned to the window, and she glanced out to see a white Jeep. It wasn’t brand-new; it had some miles on it. But he was proud, and she admired Riley for making him earn the money.

She could only imagine what the girls thought of her son and was so glad his high school experience seemed to be better than her own had been. “That’s a nice Jeep,” she said.

“Would you like me to give you a ride?” he asked.

Even at this late date, he seemed open to getting to know her. She wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. “Sure.” She closed her laptop, slid it into the backpack she’d found at her mom’s and appropriated for her own use and stood as he took out his keys.

“It’s a sweet ride,” Tristan said.

She followed them out. “Your father won’t mind you taking me for a test-drive...”

He made a face as if it was ridiculous of her to ask. “Why would he care? It’s my Jeep.”

But Riley wasn’t convinced yet that she was good for him. Jacob had missed that nuance, and she was so excited that he wanted to share something with her, she chose to ignore it. Riley didn’t have to know about the next few minutes. It wasn’t as though she was doing anything wrong by letting Jacob show her his Jeep.

“You can sit in the front,” Tristan volunteered, and hopped into the back without using the door.

Phoenix felt a huge smile stretch across her face. This was “a moment,” she decided, the moment she’d dreamed about for so long. She was with her son, and he seemed okay with having her there.

As Jake started the engine and pulled out, he managed the vehicle so effortlessly she had to marvel at how grown-up he was, and that he had so many abilities.

“I owe your father a lot,” she said, and meant it.

He didn’t seem to follow. “For what?”

“He’s done a great job with you.”

The cocky grin he flashed made her laugh, so then he laughed, too.

She loved the feel of the wind blowing through her hair as they drove, sometimes a little too fast but not so fast that she had to say anything. She was glad of that.

“Have you ever driven a stick?” he asked.

“Me?” Phoenix brought a hand to her chest. “No.” They didn’t teach that in prison. She’d missed out on so much. She hadn’t even been able to name her son. Riley had done that. But more than anything, she regretted not being there to watch Jacob grow up.

He pulled to the side of the road. “Come around. I’ll teach you.”

She shook her head. “No, I can’t. I haven’t been behind the wheel in a long time. I’ve got to get used to driving an automatic before I attempt a stick.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to try?” he said. “It’s not hard...”

“Just riding around with you is fun for me.”

“Okay,” he said, a bit reluctantly, and drove them to a muddy spot outside town to go off-road. As they lurched around, Phoenix clung to her seat belt. But he wasn’t getting too crazy, so she could enjoy it. By the time they returned to the pavement, her stomach was sore from laughing so much, and she wished she had some money she could offer him for gas.

Maybe next week, she thought. If she had enough bracelet orders. She sold most of her bracelets for fifty dollars, but she’d considered adding some new models, with various silver beads and options to personalize them, and planned to charge seventy-five dollars for those.

“You’re a good driver,” she said.

She expected him to thank her. When he didn’t, she looked over to see him watching his rearview mirror with an expression of concern.

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me it was illegal to do those doughnuts.” If he got a ticket while he was with her, that wouldn’t please Riley, not when he was so concerned about the kind of influence she’d be.

Jacob didn’t answer that, either. He just changed gears and sped up, so she twisted around to see for herself.

She didn’t find a police car following them—but there was someone driving so close behind them, she was afraid they were about to be rear-ended.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Why is that guy trying to hit us?”

Jacob’s jaw tightened. “That’s no ‘guy.’ That’s Buddy.”

Fear blasted through her, wiping out all the laughter and fun. “Mansfield?”

“Yeah.” He spoke through gritted teeth. But she could recognize the driver herself now, even with the limited view she had through the front window of his oversize truck. Buddy had changed a lot. From what she could see, he was now sporting a full beard.

“Pull over, Jake,” she said.

“That wouldn’t be a good idea,” he responded.

“Why?” Tristan shouted. “He’s gonna crash into us!”

Phoenix was too focused on her son to explain. “You have to let me out.”

“No way,” Jake said. “That’s what he wants. Then he could do anything.”

This was so dangerous. She was terrified that Jake or his friend would get hurt—because of her. “Stop now. Please!”

Her son’s eyebrows jerked together. He was obviously thinking fast, trying to decide the best course of action. But she just wanted to get him and Tristan out of this situation as soon as possible, before something tragic could occur. “What will you do?” he asked, sounding torn.

“Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“Against someone like that?”

Buddy tapped their rear bumper, giving them a small jolt.

“I don’t want you in the middle of this!” Phoenix cried. “Do what I say! Now!”

“No!” he snapped, suddenly adamant. But they’d reached town. He had to brake at the light, so she released her seat belt and jumped out, not even trying to take the backpack that held her laptop and purse.

“Mom!” Jacob tried to stop her but she slipped out of his grasp.

“Get out of here!” she yelled back. “Go home!”

6

Riley had just finished mowing the lawn and was leaning against the kitchen counter, cracking open a cold beer, when his cell phone went off. Leaning over, he slid it toward him so he could see who was trying to call him.

As he’d expected, it was Jacob.

“’Bout damn time,” he muttered. His son had chores and homework to do before school tomorrow. “There you are,” he said after pressing the talk button. “Where’ve you been? I thought you were going to drop Tristan off and come home after you picked up a coffee.”

“Dad! You got to come now!”

At the panic in his son’s voice, Riley slammed down his beer, which splashed all over his hand. “What’s going on? What’s wrong, Jake? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, but...”

Although he couldn’t be sure, it sounded as if his son was crying, and that nearly paralyzed him with fear. He hadn’t heard Jake cry in a long time. “Did you get into an accident?” He rinsed off his hand and grabbed his keys. “Are you hurt?”

Jacob cleared his throat, obviously struggling to get the tremor out of his voice. “No. But...Buddy saw us and was...and was acting crazy. So she jumped out. Then he veered toward her. It didn’t look like he hit her hard, but she fell. And now she’s bleeding!”

He was speaking so fast he was leaving out pertinent details. “Who’s she?”

“Mom!”

Phoenix? Riley was at the front door, but at this revelation, he paused. He couldn’t help feeling betrayed, as though they’d held some kind of secret meeting. “What were you doing with her?”

“I ran into her at Black Gold, and I...I just wanted to give her a ride in my Jeep.”

Riley could easily see that happening. Jake was so excited to have his license, so damn proud of that old Jeep. And of course, Phoenix would never refuse his offer.

He threw open the door and hurried outside. “Where are you?”

“At the corner of Sutter and Kennedy, just as you come into town.”

“I’m on my way.”

“She fell into a ditch, Dad. I think she hit her head on a rock, but she won’t let me call 9-1-1. Tristan says I should do it, anyway. I would but she doesn’t like him to even mention it. And she keeps trying to get up.”

Riley climbed into his truck, fired the engine and threw the transmission into Reverse. “Where’s Buddy now?”

“Gone. He took off as soon as he did it.”

“Sit tight,” he said. “I’ll be right there.”

The drive took only a few minutes, but it felt like forever. Jake’s Jeep, when he finally found it, was parked off the road, halfway in a field, as if he’d pulled over and stopped wherever he could. Next to it, Riley saw Jake and Tristan leaning over someone else, who had to be Phoenix, although they were blocking his view.

Riley left his truck next to the Jeep and hopped out.

Jake met him before he could even round the back bumper. “I’m glad you’re here. She’s hurt, but she says it’s not bad, that head wounds bleed a lot.”

Riley didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say until he’d seen her injuries.

“I’m okay.” Phoenix waved him off when she caught sight of him. “I told Jake there was no need to bother you. I’m just a little scraped and bruised, and embarrassed to have caused a scene.”

She’d hit her head, all right. There was blood running down the side of her face. Jake pressed her back when she tried to get to her feet. Riley got the impression he’d been doing that since it happened.

“What do you think, Dad? Shouldn’t she go to the hospital?”

“There’s no need for that,” she said.

Riley crouched beside her and examined the gash above her temple. He was no paramedic. He wasn’t sure how deep it was or if she needed stitches. It was even possible she had a concussion, but she seemed coherent, and that was a good sign. He’d seen a friend get hit pretty hard during a football game in high school and could still remember how he’d repeated himself over and over and babbled on about strange things that weren’t even taking place.

Phoenix wasn’t doing any of that.

“What happened?”

“I told you...” Jake started, but Riley cut him off.

“I’d like to hear her tell it.” He wanted her perspective, but he also thought this might be a good way to judge whether or not she was thinking as clearly as it seemed.

“It was Buddy,” she said. “He was trying to run Jake off the road to get him to stop, and I was afraid...I was afraid he’d wind up causing an accident. So I got out, but it was just as the light turned green, which gave Buddy the chance to gun his motor and come straight at me. I jumped into the ditch, so he didn’t actually hit me and I...fell awkwardly and banged my head, I guess.”

“Then he took off?”

She nodded, giving him a wan smile. “I’m sorry about this. I never intended to put Jake in danger. We were only taking a ride in his Jeep.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said gruffly, so angry with Buddy that he could hardly speak. He could understand the terrible loss Buddy had suffered. He wasn’t unsympathetic to that. But Buddy had no right to drag the past into the present, to act as judge, jury and executioner. Phoenix had been through due process and served her full sentence.

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