This Heart of Mine

From what she could tell, it was...clothes. And canned goods, which was why they’d hit the ground with such force.

She peered at the man—or men—who’d run off. Why would Buddy, or anyone else, bring her clothes and food?

Was there something wrong with it? It would be far crueler to make her believe this was a nice gesture, only to let her discover later that there were words written on the various articles, like Murderer, that he’d urinated on everything or that the canned goods were rotten or poisoned.

And what was in the other box? The one that hadn’t broken open?

Slowly descending the steps, she made her way around to find out, but she kept looking over her shoulder, checking to see whether whoever it was would come back. If Buddy had dropped off something intended to be hurtful, he’d want to stick around to make sure it had the proper impact.

There was also the possibility that he’d been hoping to draw her outside...

But everything remained quiet. There was no movement, no noise.

Just to be certain they were gone, she walked to the gate and stared as far down the road as she could. Nothing.

“Phoenix?” Her mother had managed to quiet the dogs. “You still out there? What’s goin’ on?”

Phoenix returned to study what lay on the ground, searching for movement. Had Buddy filled those boxes with cockroaches or earwigs or some other kind of bug? “I told you, nothing. Go back to sleep.”

“The dogs heard somethin’ or they wouldn’t have gotten themselves worked up like that!” her mother insisted.

“It was just me, chasing off a raccoon.” Whatever her visitors had brought, her mother didn’t need to know about it. Lizzie had been tormented enough for being odd, difficult, overweight, a recluse.

“You best be careful, girl,” her mother warned. “There ain’t nobody in this town who likes you.”

“I know, Mom. You tell me that every day,” she said, but not loudly enough for her voice to carry to the other trailer.

“Did you hear me?” her mother yelled.

Phoenix spoke louder. “I heard you. Don’t worry. I can take care of myself.” Tough talk for someone acutely aware of her own weakness. Fighting with other women was one thing. That had been frightening enough. But Buddy? He was a huge man, positive she’d killed his baby sister, who’d been only a year younger than he was, and he seemed to believe that justice meant an eye for an eye.

“Get inside and lock the door,” her mother urged. “The bastards who run this town would love nothing more than to catch you out at night.”

“I’m going,” she said, but circled the boxes that had fallen instead. Whatever they contained—bugs or snakes or rat poison—she needed to get rid of it.

Once again using her bat, she nudged the box that had broken open. It was clothes, all right. As she’d noted before, it also contained canned vegetables, beans and soup. And a shoebox. She thought that might be where she’d find the dog shit, but when she knocked off the lid, she saw that it was...running shoes?

“What’s going on?” she murmured. The clothes were for a woman. There wasn’t any writing on them or blood that she could see. She couldn’t smell urine. Everything looked nice and new. These were name-brand items with the tags still on them.

More of the same, as well as some packaged food, filled the second box.

Who’d brought her these things?

Whoever it was had included a receipt. Whoa...someone had spent a great deal and left her the option of return or exchange.

That sure as hell wouldn’t be Buddy.

Were these gifts, then? Everything was in her size, or close, and had been dropped at her doorstep. It had to be for her. But she was afraid to trust what she saw. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had given her anything, other than the small handmade gifts she’d exchanged with her friend Coop and a few of the other women in prison at Christmas. Cara had given her that laptop, but she’d also made Cara a fair amount of money for helping facilitate the bracelet business.

“Look at this stuff!” she muttered as she began to dig through everything in earnest. This was better than any Christmas she’d ever had.

She held up a pair of lace panties. Victoria’s Secret?

Returning those to the pile, she pulled out a sundress, carefully brushed off the dirt and hugged it to her. It was a two. She was fairly sure it would fit. And it was so darn pretty...

Eager to try it on, along with everything else, she started gathering up what had spilled. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the dark figure in the hoodie. She figured it had to be Kyle and felt bad for misjudging him. He was the only person who’d shown her any kindness so far.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and was suddenly so overwhelmed with gratitude all she could do was sink down on her knees and cry.

* * *

Afraid the dogs would start barking again, Riley held very still. When Kyle had run off, Riley had hidden. Now he was pressed up against the back of Lizzie’s trailer, taking advantage of the deep shadows, and couldn’t go anywhere until Phoenix went inside. He’d thought he’d just wait until she went in, then slip out of the yard. But she was too overcome to be in any kind of hurry. And seeing her, someone who was so distrustful, so prepared to battle some unknown assailant, break down when she finally realized she had nothing to be afraid of made Riley’s chest tighten to the point that he could barely breathe. He could only imagine what it must be like for her, to have so little in the way of resources and yet feel as if she had to take on the whole world.

There ain’t nobody in this town who likes you.

And yet she’d come back...

He clenched his fists and leaned into the rusty old filing cabinet that helped provide his cover. He refused to tear up—but fighting his emotions left a huge lump in his throat. Damn it! He’d known better than to get involved in this.

But it was the burning behind his eyes and the empathy that made his heart ache that caused the anger. He’d never been happier to give someone a gift.

Grateful to Kyle for thinking of it, for bringing it to his attention and making him feel responsible for meeting at least some of her needs, he watched as Phoenix wiped her cheeks, dusted off each item and restacked the cans inside the boxes.

The lights inside her trailer snapped on as soon as she carried the heaviest carton through the door. Then she returned to collect the other one.

After her door closed for the second time, Riley could have left without giving himself away. Instead, he was tempted to creep up to her window to see if she was trying on what they’d bought. It would be gratifying to see how it fit. His interest wasn’t sexual, so it didn’t seem all that reprehensible. But he decided that peeping through her bedroom window wouldn’t be appropriate despite his intentions.

Besides, Kyle had to be impatient waiting at the truck, which they’d parked half a mile or so away.

With a final glance at the bat she’d left on the ground, Riley was moving toward the street when he spotted a piece-of-shit bike leaning up against Phoenix’s trailer. She must have plans for that, he decided. She probably intended to fix it so that she’d have some transportation.

Noah, one of his best friends, owned the bike shop in town. Riley could get it fixed quicker and cheaper...

One of the dogs barked, making him a little anxious, but he couldn’t stop himself. He grabbed the bike before he left and was carrying it with him when he met Kyle on the road.

“What the hell is that?” Kyle asked.

“What does it look like?” he replied.

“Is that where you’ve been? Trying to steal her bike? I was beginning to think she caught you.”

“It wasn’t the bike that held me up.”

“Then what did?”

“It took her a while to open those boxes and figure out they were safe to accept.”

Kyle’s expression showed interest. “You saw her open them?”

“Yeah. After she chased you off, she thought whoever had left the stuff was gone.”

“But...how did she not see you? With that damn floodlight it wasn’t even very dark.”

“That’s why I couldn’t move. I was hiding in the shadows behind her mother’s trailer.” And she definitely hadn’t seen him. If she’d known he was there, she would never have broken down. That was what had made her relief and gratitude so honest. Here was someone who’d withstood so much tragedy without flinching. She hadn’t complained or railed at him when he didn’t bring Jacob to see her in the correctional facility, even though she’d requested it several times. She would simply wait a few months and politely ask him again.

Now he felt like shit that he hadn’t shown more consideration. But he hadn’t wanted to confuse Jacob, hadn’t wanted to do anything that might cause his son to stumble. His parents, who’d been so much help when Jacob was small, had convinced him that allowing any kind of contact with Phoenix would be a grave mistake. And there was something about believing that she’d gotten what she deserved that neutralized compassion in general—and in him, too—especially when so many people he respected stood united in that opinion.

“So what did she think?” Kyle asked as they walked toward the truck.

Riley shifted the bike to his other hand. It wasn’t heavy, but it was awkward to carry. “She liked everything.”

“Really?” He seemed pleased, and Riley understood why. He’d felt the same way when she’d held that sundress to her chest as if it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. “How do you know?”

Riley grinned at him. “Trust me, it was obvious.”

“She’s too guarded to show much emotion. But you could tell, huh?”

She wasn’t guarded when he saw her because she’d thought she was alone. All her walls had come crumbling down. But he felt it would violate her privacy to share the moment he’d witnessed, with those tears streaming down her face, so he kept it to himself. “Yeah, I could.”

“I hope I get to see her wear something we bought,” he said.

They reached the truck. “That felt great,” Riley admitted as he climbed into the passenger seat. “Thanks for including me.”

Kyle looked surprised. “Seriously, man? I know it’s hard for you to have her back.”

Riley had had his own challenges, but he’d never been through anything even close to what she had—and maybe none of it had been her fault. “Seriously.”

* * *

Riley almost ignored the knock that sounded early the next morning. He’d been up most of the night, and Sunday was his day off.

Jake can get it, he thought, and rolled over. It was probably one of Jacob’s friends, anyway, rousting him to go mountain biking or out for a hike.

But when the knocking continued, he remembered Jacob wasn’t even home. He’d stayed with his best buddy, Tristan Abbott, last night and Riley had been happy to let him. He’d known that if Jacob stayed elsewhere he wouldn’t have to explain his own whereabouts or actions.

“Coming!” he called as he dragged himself out of bed and yanked on a pair of jeans.

“Where’s your shirt?” his mother snapped once he opened the door.

He shoved a hand through his hair. “You’re lucky I have my pants on. Anyone who bothers me this early deserves to see me in whatever state I decide to answer the door.”

“Have you seen her?” she asked as she brushed past him and into the house.

He didn’t really want to have this discussion. He knew who “she” was, and he knew that he and his mother were going to have very different opinions on Phoenix, especially after what he’d witnessed last night. He wished everyone would leave her alone, let her live in peace.

“She took Jacob and me to breakfast yesterday morning at Just Like Mom’s. Why? Is that the reason you’re here? Did someone tell you about that?”

“No. But I’m surprised you didn’t.”

“This is the first time I’ve seen you. Did you want me to file a report?”

She perched on the edge of his couch. “That would’ve been nice. You’re not the only one who has a stake in this, you know.”

“Where’s Dad?” he asked.

“On his way to the golf course with his friends.”

“He was willing to miss the ‘Phoenix’ talk?”

“He’d miss my funeral for a good golf game.”

Riley couldn’t help chuckling.

“So?” she said.

“So, what?”

“How did she act?”

They were back to the nitty-gritty details of his first visit with Phoenix. “She was very...polite.”

“Of course! She wants to impress you.”

“She wants to know her son, Mom. She’s made that clear, wouldn’t you say?”

“That’s what she’d like us to believe, but she hoped to get you before, and I’m sure she’d be thrilled to land you now. You remember how fixated she was on you.” She picked a piece of lint off her slacks. “You wouldn’t want to start something like that up again, would you?”

Even that aspect of Phoenix’s actions had been exaggerated over the years. “She deserves the chance to prove she’s changed.”

“What are the odds she changed for the better in prison?” his mother responded.

“Don’t make it sound like that’s impossible. Otherwise, why would we let anyone out?”

“Because there aren’t enough cells to keep all the murderers locked up. But I didn’t come here to debate the penal system. I was hoping to get you to reconsider being so flexible. She’s probably seen things you and I can only imagine. Who knows what kind of people she met in that place? I don’t want her to become a negative influence on Jacob after all we’ve done to raise him right.”

Riley’s temper was beginning to chafe. “Mom, Jacob’s sixteen. Almost an adult. We can’t protect him forever.”

“He’s at a very impressionable age!”

“Still, we need to trust in who he is. It’s up to him to decide whether he wants his mother in his life.”

“But he doesn’t know what’s best.”

“Neither do we! That’s the thing!”

“We have a lot more to base our decision on than he does.”

With a sigh, Riley slouched into the chair opposite her. “I’m not so sure. I’ve been wondering if we were wrong to keep them apart. It hurt Phoenix deeply, and I honestly don’t think she’s all that bad.”

His mother’s eyes widened. “Maybe you need to talk to Lori Mansfield’s family, to be reminded of how much they’ve suffered from losing their beautiful daughter.”

“I’m sympathetic to the Mansfields. I know you and Corinne are close friends, that her happiness is important to you. But they’re not the only ones who’ve suffered. And if Phoenix has been telling the truth about the events of that day, her punishment was completely unjustified. I’d hate to add to that.”

His mother got to her feet. “Now you believe she’s innocent?”

“There’s nothing to prove her guilt or her innocence.”

“Then look at the facts. That’s what they convicted her on, isn’t it? She was jealous when you started seeing Lori. So she tried to take her out of the picture. It was Phoenix’s car that ran her down, and Phoenix was behind the wheel. There was even a witness inside the vehicle!”

Who might have been lying, but he could tell the argument was only going to escalate if they continued talking about this. “We don’t know exactly what happened,” he insisted.

“What’s gotten into you?” she asked. “Just last week you were wishing along with the rest of us that Phoenix would go somewhere else.”

That was before he’d met her for breakfast, before last night. Both encounters had had a profound effect on him. It was much easier to malign someone who wasn’t around. Now that he’d seen the contrast between the real Phoenix and the monster they’d created in their minds, he understood that everyone’s negative comments and opinions had fueled fears in him that might not be well founded. “I didn’t want her to come back. I wrote her and told her as much.” He didn’t say that was one letter he wished he could unsend. “But Whiskey Creek is her home as much as ours. She can come here if she wants, and there’s nothing we can do to stop her.”

“So you’ve made up your mind? You’re going to support a relationship between her and Jacob?”

“If that’s what he wants, yes—unless she does something that seems...wrong.”

“By then it might be too late.”

“That’s the chance I have to take.”

“When they’d both be better off if she’d just move somewhere else?”

He thought of the shopping he and Kyle had done. His mother would not be happy if she learned that they’d helped Phoenix, but he didn’t regret it. Giving her those things had felt right.

“How would they both be better off?” he asked. “She has nothing to start over with. At least if she stays here she’ll have a free place to live until she gets on her feet.”

“That dump out there isn’t even sanitary. A normal person wouldn’t want to stay there.”

He felt slightly defensive. “She’s doing what she can to clean it up.” She’d told him as much.

“Either way, the Mansfields won’t put up with her living in this town.”

Riley scooted forward but rested his arms on his knees. He didn’t want to come on too strong. “There’s nothing the Mansfields can do.”

“Of course there is,” she said.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m saying someone should warn her. Maybe that’ll make her think twice about burdening us with her presence.”

He’d been uncomfortable with this conversation from the beginning, but now he was downright concerned. “Warn her? Really?”

“Yes! I’ve heard Corinne say that Buddy won’t allow it. You know how close he was to Lori. They were thirteen months apart and did almost everything together growing up.”

“I know he’s angry that his wife left him last year. He always seems to be out causing trouble now that she’s gone. But Phoenix has nothing to do with his current misery.”

“How can you say that? She’s at the root of it. He’s never been able to get over Lori’s murder.”

“So it’s also Phoenix’s fault that he goes from job to job? That he’s currently making minimum wage working as a clerk at the hardware store and living with his parents?”

“You can’t judge him!”

Although Riley had spent a lot of time around Buddy through the years—thanks to the friendship between families—he’d never cared for him. Buddy had always been an egotistic braggart. “But he can judge others.”

“In this instance, I think he’s got the right. Anyway, he wrote Phoenix before she was released. But either she didn’t get his letter, or she ignored it, like yours.”

Riley felt his muscles tense. Buddy was six feet four inches tall and weighed probably 230 pounds. A single blow from his meaty fist could cause significant damage. Even with a bat, Phoenix would never be able to defend herself. “What did Buddy say in that letter?”

“I don’t know. It’s not as though Corinne read it to me. But it was something to the effect that she’d regret it if she came back here.”

No wonder Phoenix had reacted the way she had when she’d heard them on her porch last night. She must’ve thought the Mansfields were coming for her. “He’d better not hurt her,” Riley said.

His mother frowned at the firmness in his voice. “I have no say over what he does,” she responded.

“Then maybe he should be warned.”

“About...what?”

“If he hurts her, he’ll answer to me.”

His mother’s mouth dropped open. “You’re taking her side? Coming out in opposition to my best friend’s son? When he’s the one who’s lost a sister?”

“Phoenix is Jacob’s mother,” he said, as if he’d be doing it for the sake of his son. But he knew in his heart that Jacob wasn’t the only reason he was willing to defend Phoenix. He admired her guts and determination almost as much as he admired her desire to be a mother to her child. Whether she was guilty or not seventeen years ago, she deserved the chance to prove herself.

He was drawing the line.

5

“What’s wrong with you?” her mother snapped.

Phoenix set the frying pan to one side and turned in surprise. It wasn’t easy to cook in Lizzie’s trailer. Hemmed in by stacks of packaged goods—trash her mother, for some strange reason, found valuable—plants, a bevy of dog bowls and giant bags of dog kibble and an overlarge hamster cage that took up most of the table, she had barely enough room to move on the sticky linoleum. Maybe that was why her mother never bothered with real food—she could no longer fit in her own kitchen. “What do you mean?”

“You’re smiling and humming and acting all...happy. What have you got to be happy about?” Lizzie absently petted one of her five dogs, this one a poodle, as she narrowed her eyes. “Did you have a man over last night? Was that the fuss that woke me?”

Phoenix felt her face flush. “No, I didn’t have a man over.”

Lizzie studied her more closely. “Then why are you blushing?”

“Because you’re embarrassing me!” For the past seventeen years, she’d rarely allowed herself to even think about sex. She hadn’t wanted to miss physical intimacy as much as the other women seemed to; that was all some of them talked about. She also hadn’t wanted to get involved in the kind of romantic relationships that sometimes sprang up between them as a replacement. “I’d rather not talk about my sex life—especially with you,” she added as she dished up the scrambled eggs she’d made for breakfast.

“What is it, then?” her mother pressed. “What’s put you in such a good mood?”

“Nothing! It’s a beautiful Sunday, that’s all. And I have plans to go into town.” She was going to use the internet to create her Facebook page so Jacob could message her. She was looking forward to making contact with him again without having to go through Riley.

“Yesterday was a beautiful day, too,” her mother said with a saucy lilt, as if there had to be more to it.

And there was. Her lift in spirits had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with the fact that at least one member of the Whiskey Creek community didn’t have hard feelings toward her—that and how feminine she felt in her new clothes. Who would’ve thought a lacy bra and a pair of matching panties could make a woman feel so...attractive?

She was beginning to think that maybe it wouldn’t spell doom to have a man’s hands on her body—as long as she waited until after Jacob went to college. At that point, she could probably start dating and, possibly, get serious.

“You’re not a lesbian, are you?” her mother asked.

Phoenix slammed the drawer after getting them each a fork. “Stop. No.”

“Did those women in that prison ever try to touch you?” Lizzie accepted her plate grudgingly, but Phoenix guessed that, deep down, she enjoyed the care she was receiving. At any rate, Phoenix hoped she did. It wasn’t readily apparent, wasn’t as if her mother ever said anything to show her appreciation.

“Did they?”

“No,” Phoenix insisted, but that wasn’t strictly true. Although no one had gotten very far, in the beginning she’d had to fight to keep herself from being used—and that had earned her some dangerous enemies, which hadn’t made the time she’d served any easier.

“So you still like men.”

Phoenix refused to meet her eyes. She was afraid her mother was saying, So you still like Riley, and she wasn’t going anywhere close to that question. She didn’t like Riley, not in that way. Anyone would think he was handsome, because he was. “Right now I’m only interested in Jacob, okay? I’ll worry about everything else in a couple of years.”

“You’re what...thirty-five?” Her mother spoke around the bite she’d just taken. “That’s getting up there, but you could have more children if you don’t wait too long.”

The toast popped up. Grateful for the distraction, Phoenix turned to butter it. “I’d better figure out how to support myself first.”