A Father in the Making

Mia laid her hand on Nico’s shoulder but he still ignored her.

“Hey, buddy, you should go to your mom,” Nate said with an awkward laugh.

Nico stared at him a moment longer, and this time he didn’t resist when Mia took his hand and drew him away. But then Nico tugged his hand free, walked over to Josh sleeping on the couch and dropped beside him. He drew his legs up to his chest then laid his head down. Retreating.

“I don’t know what that was about,” Nate said, slowly getting to his feet. “I’m sorry.”

Mia waved off his objections. “Nothing to be sorry about.” She was about to say more when Denny and Evangeline returned, each holding one of the twins, both of whom were fussing.

And as Mia looked at her children she felt a clutch of despair.

What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to take care of her children?

A sob clawed up her throat and she swallowed and swallowed, trying to fight it down. She couldn’t break down. She had to stay strong. There was no one else for her children but her.

She dropped her face into her free hand, her fingertips pressing against her cheeks as if to restrain the fear and sorrow.

To her surprise she felt a large, warm hand rest lightly on her shoulder. Give it a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay,” Nate muttered. “It will be okay.”

She wanted desperately to believe him but right now life overwhelmed her. A whimper crept past her tightly clenched lips.

No. Not now. Not in front of this man.

She stopped herself, took in a long, slow breath.

But no sooner had she released it then the overwhelming feelings of grief scraped away at her again.

A sob trembled through her, then another. Then Nate’s arms were around her.

She fought his embrace but he held firm, his arms strong and unyielding. Another sob broke free, then another. Then, all she could do was lean into him, let her tears flow and cling to him as the storm of sorrow and fear washed over her.

* * *

“Sorry I’m late,” Nate said to Tango as he forked hay into the pen. “Can’t believe I slept in that long.”

He thought Denny would have woken him up when he headed out to drive his gravel truck this morning, but his brother seemed to think Nate needed the rest.

The roan stud stood in one corner, barely looking up when Nate approached.

“Hey, guy, how are you doing?” Nate asked as he opened the gate of the pen and stepped inside. He walked over to his horse, wincing at the sight of the cuts on the horse’s face. “How’s the leg?” he asked, gently running his hands down Tango’s foreleg. Still warm, and still swollen. It would be a few days before Tango could put any weight on that leg. And probably even longer before he would be competing.

Nate stifled a sigh of dismay at the thought that all the work he had done with Tango, all the time he had spent training would disappear if he couldn’t compete in the upcoming cutting horse competition in Livingston, Montana.

He gave Tango another pat on his withers then looked over the gate of the pen. His mare, Nola, stared back at him. Her large brown eyes seemed to accuse him. As it was all his fault they were in this dilemma.

“You’ll be okay, girl,” he said, his voice low and assuring. She had to be. The foal she was carrying was worth thousands. He beat down his nervousness, stacked his hands and rested his chin on top of them, watching Nola nose the hay he had forked to her earlier. He heard Bella nicker from the pen outside the barn and Jake’s low, snorting reply. It was as if his horses outside were reassuring the ones inside, that all would be well. Trouble was, Nate wasn’t so sure about that.

Nola turned around in her pen and he fought down a cough. Then another one. Socks, who had followed him into the barn, nudged his hand.

“Sorry, buddy,” he said, coughing again, dropping to the straw-covered floor beside the dog, stroking his dark head. “That’s what I get for trying to be a hero.”

He rubbed his eyes, still sore from the smoke and fought down another cough as his thoughts circled back to Mia.

Last night, after coming back from the hospital, Nate had turned down Denny and Evangeline’s offer of coffee and instead, had gone directly to the trailer he would be staying at. He needed some time alone.

It was disturbingly easy to resurrect the feeling of Mia’s delicate body in his arms that moment in the hospital. How she had leaned into him and how easily his arms went around her. It had frightened him, but what bothered him more was how good it felt.

The tantalizing glimpse of something he couldn’t—shouldn’t—have.

He wanted to blame his reaction on the isolation that had dogged him the past few months. The feeling that, in spite of doing what he loved, there was a huge hole in his life. It was that feeling that had sent him back to reading the Bible. Sent him to his knees in prayer.

And now he would be on his foster brother’s ranch for a while. But so would Mia and her kids.

What was he going to do about that?

The way she had depended on him, even for those brief moments, had created a blend of longing and fear.

Another fit of coughing overtook him and when it was done, he laid his head back against the rough wood of the pen. Socks laid his head on Nate’s knee and he grinned at his dog, stroking his head. “I’ll be okay, buddy,” he said. “I survived my mom leaving me with Karl. This is nothing in comparison.”

His mention of his stepfather reminded him of the letter folded up and stuffed in the back pocket of his blue jeans.

When he received the letter emblazoned with the name of a legal firm based out of Calgary he thought, at first, some mistake from the past had reared its ugly head. As he read the letter, he realized he was right.

His stepfather, the man who had put his mother in the hospital a couple of times and himself even more often, the man who had torn Nate’s family apart and sent him into foster care, had died three months previous. And he had left all his money to Nate.

Nate unfolded the worn paper once again, the anger he thought he had dealt with rising up and threatening to choke him again. He didn’t want any part of Karl Packer’s money.

Blood money.

Guilt money.

As if giving him money would ever erase what Karl had done to him or his mother. There was no way he was taking it.

A rustling noise in the doorway of the barn made him shove the paper back into his pocket and get up. “Evangeline?” he called. Nate hadn’t gone to the house for breakfast, but he was fairly sure Evangeline was also gone to work for the day.

But it wasn’t his future sister-in-law who hovered in the doorway of the barn.

Nico stood there with a half smile and as he walked toward him, his eyes clung to Nate’s, the same way they had yesterday in the hospital. He came to stop beside Nate and held out his hand.

Nate hesitated, not sure what Nico wanted.

I’m not that guy, he wanted to say to the little boy. I don’t dare give you anything. I don’t dare let you into my life.

Chapter Four

“Josh, Nico, we’ve got to get going.” Mia gave Grace’s face a quick wipe as she called up the stairs to the bedrooms above. Though Nico couldn’t talk, nothing was wrong with his hearing and Mia knew he was playing upstairs in his bedroom.

While she set Grace beside Jennifer, Josh meandered down the stairs. His hair was still neatly combed and, thank goodness, his clothes were still clean.

“Josh, honey, can you speed it up a little?” Mia tried to keep her impatience from seeping into her voice as she stuffed a couple of diapers into the diaper bag that doubled as a purse and swung it over her shoulder. “We have a long drive ahead of us.”

Ben Brouwer had pulled a bunch of strings, called in some favors and got her an appointment with the specialist today at 11:00 a.m. in Cranbrook, a fifty-minute drive away. “Is Nico coming?” she asked Josh as she picked up both twins.

“He’s not here,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice. “He went outside when you were in the bathroom. When you were changing Grace.”

Panic streaked through her. There was a creek on the ranch. Nico loved water.

She charged outside, Grace and Jennifer bobbing on each hip, Josh barely keeping up with her. Her panicked gaze swept the yard when she got to the van. All she saw was buildings and fences. All she heard was the soft breeze in the trees surrounding the farmhouse. Denny was off to work and Evangeline had taken Ella to town for a doctor’s appointment.

“Did he say where he was going?” Mia asked, setting Jennifer in one car seat, clipping her in one-handed.

“He’s not talking, remember?” Josh said, giving her a frown.

Her mind raced as she ran around the other side of the van, secured Grace in the car seat and plopped a pacifier in her mouth.

“You stay here, sweetie,” she said to Josh. “And don’t move. Mommy is going to look for Nico.”

Thankfully, Josh just shrugged, got into his booster seat and started playing the handheld Nintendo he’d found in the house.

She left the door of the van open as she called Nico’s name, her voice sounding shriller each time.

“Nico. Where are you?” She called again, desperation filling her voice. Dear Lord, don’t let him be by the creek, she prayed, one hand on her chest as she ran across the yard. Please let him be okay.

She paused a moment, listening again for something.

“He’s over here.”

Nate’s voice. Coming from the barn beside the horse corrals.

Relief mixed with concern blended with a touch of anger. Why hadn’t Nate brought him to the house?

She stepped into the barn, momentarily blinded as her eyes adjusted to the darker interior.

She blinked, looking around and then she saw Nico. He sat on the floor of the barn, leaning against the wall, stroking Socks’s head. The dog’s ears perked up when Mia came close and his brown eyes studied her, but he didn’t leave Nico’s side. Nor did Nico look up at her, his hand slowly stroking over the dog’s head again and again.

Mia pushed her hand against her still-racing heart. A door creaked and Nate came out of a stall, looking surprised to see her there. “You okay?” he asked, his voice still hoarse from yesterday’s smoke.

His hair was neatly brushed and his cheeks still seemed to shine from his recent shave. He wore a tan shirt today and clean blue jeans. If possible he looked even better than he had yesterday.

“Yeah. No problem. Just fine,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand, but she couldn’t stifle her concern at the sight of her son here. Nico didn’t bond quickly with people. His connection with Nate, though understandable, was worrisome, especially after listening to Denny talk about him last night. Turned out Nate was a loner who worked as a ranch hand over the winters and ran the cutting horse circuit all summer. A free spirit. Disconnected.

Certainly not the kind of man she could allow her children to become attached to. Especially not Nico.

“I didn’t know Nico was here. I’ve been looking for him.” Her panic was slowly being replaced by annoyance. “I’m leaving for a doctor’s appointment in Cranbrook in a few minutes.” She glanced at Nico, who seemed to be ignoring her. But she knew from the way his hand slowed its rhythmic petting of the dog that he hung on every word they spoke.

“Sorry. I didn’t know,” Nate said, closing the stall door behind him and latching it shut. “I would have sent him back to the house otherwise.”

“I would appreciate it if you could do that next time he comes out here,” Mia said, her request coming out more sharply than she intended.

“Sure. I get that.” Nate reached for some lengths of rope and sat down on a nearby hay bale between her and Nico. “You heard your mom, sport,” he said, addressing her son as he started to braid the three strands together. “You shouldn’t come out here unless your mother knows.”

“That’s not what I was getting at.” Mia lifted her head to hold Nate’s dark gaze. For the tiniest moment an unexpected combination of fear and attraction thrilled through her.

Too easily she recalled how it had felt to be held by him. That surprising feeling of safety and support she hadn’t experienced in a long, long time.

She swallowed and looked away, suppressing the foolish reaction, then squatted down in front of Nico. “Honey, we have to go. I need to be in Cranbrook in an hour.”

Nico raised his head to hold her eyes for a scant second then shifted them to Nate, as if seeking his approval.

Mia fought down her agitation, aware of the other kids waiting in the van. The importance of making the specialist appointment hung over her like a cloud, yet right now she had to tread cautiously with her son.

So she placed her finger under his chin, to make him turn his eyes back to her. Thankfully, he gave in right away and she eased off. “Sweetheart, I know it’s nice to be here with Socks,” she said, forcing herself to talk quietly. Slowly. Deflect the focus of his trip to the barn from Nate to the dog. “I know you love dogs, but right now Jennifer and Grace and Josh are waiting for us and I don’t want Jennifer to start crying because she misses us.”

Nico blinked and he opened his mouth and for a heart-stopping moment Mia thought he would speak. But his mouth worked, open and shut, but nothing. When she saw the shimmer of tears in his eyes, she drew him close. “Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

She stifled her fear at how close she had come to losing him. But she couldn’t stop herself from looking up at Nate, who watched them through narrowed eyes as his hands worked the rope.

He put the rope aside, crouched down beside Nico and laid his large hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You should go with your mother, buddy. She needs your help right now.”

Nico sniffed, nodded and then scrambled to his feet. He gave Nate a curt nod and, without another glance at Mia, left the barn, Socks trotting along behind him.

Though Mia was thankful for Nate’s assistance it bothered her that Nico responded to Nate more than he had to her.

“Thanks for that,” Mia said as she got up.

“Just trying to help,” he said, holding his hands up in apology.

“I know that and I appreciate it.” She hesitated, torn between her need to get going and her need to draw boundaries for her children.

Then he started coughing and her resolve wavered as she was reminded of what he had risked for the sake of her son.

He’s not the kind of man you can let your children connect with. His leaving will cause Nico and Josh too much pain.

Annoying as she was, sometimes Other Mother was right.

“You know that I can’t thank you enough for saving Nico’s life,” she started, watching as Nico stepped into the van.

“Please. Don’t say any more. Anyone would have done the same.”

“I don’t know about that. However...” she hesitated, feeling ungrateful in spite of her words of thanks to him “...I am concerned about Nico and how attached he seems to be to you.”

Nate’s eyes narrowed and Mia wasn’t sure how to read him. For the sake of her son, she kept going.

“Nico has a lot to deal with right now and I’m afraid that...that if he gets too attached, too connected, he’ll get hurt when you go.”

“Why do you say that?” His eyes still held her but his voice sounded grim.

“You’re only here until your horses heal up, and then you’re leaving, right?”

Nate nodded, affirming what she already knew.

“When my husband left, it took Nico a long time to get over that.” For six months after Al had left, Nico slept with Mia, afraid to be on his own.

“And now the aftermath of this fire—” Mia’s voice broke and she pressed her lips together, feeling an unwelcome jolt of sorrow for her family’s loss of business and home. She looked away from Nate’s piercing gaze, took a steadying breath and soldiered on. “I am worried that Nico is too strongly connected to you now. I don’t want him hurt when you leave, so I would appreciate it if you could discourage him spending time with you, somehow.”

The heavy silence following her request made her regret what she had said, but it was what she had to do to protect Nico.

“Sure. I get it.” Nate looked away from her, bent over and grabbed the rope he had dropped. “You’ve got to take care of your kids. Keep them safe.”

That was her only reason, she reminded herself as she hesitated, wishing she didn’t feel like such a heel. “I know you rescued him and I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am—”

“You don’t have to thank me anymore,” Nate said quietly, settling down on the hay bale, his eyes on the rope he was braiding. “We’re good.”

Mia hesitated a moment more, still not entirely happy with how things had gone down, torn between what Nate had done for her and what she had to do for her children.

He looked up at her and for the space of a heartbeat their eyes met. And for the space of that same heartbeat she felt it again. That glimmer of appeal. Of attraction.

Stop this. Quit this right now.

But she couldn’t look away.

“You should go,” Nate said finally, twisting the strands of rope together. “You don’t want to be late.”

She nodded her acknowledgement then without another word, left.

But as she walked across the yard to her van, she wondered if her warning to Nate was as much about herself as it was about Nico.

Chapter Five

Don’t watch her leave. Keep your eyes on what you’re doing.

But it was as if his practical mind and his lonely soul weren’t communicating, and Nate watched Mia as she walked across the yard.

Her slender frame looked too fragile to carry the responsibility of four children, but he had seen the effect of the thread of steel running through her. The fact that she warned him away from Nico bothered him on one level and yet, at the same time, created a sense of admiration.

This was a woman who put her kids’ needs first.

Something his mother never did.

He shook the foolish thoughts off, grabbed a pail of oats and headed outside to the corrals. He had been headed out to feed them when Nico had come into the barn. Instead, he’d had a one-sided conversation with the boy while he cleaned out Tango’s stall. And then Mia showed up.

Nate poured the oats out for his other horses, spacing the piles far apart to keep them from fighting. Nola munched at her oats, lifting her head from time to time to make sure the other horses kept their distance. Nate walked around her, grimacing at the scratches that marred her golden coat. “Hey, girl,” he said, running his hands over her expanding belly. “I’m excited to see your foal. Should be a real goer. But can you wait until we get settled in Montana before you have it?”

She nickered again, as if agreeing with him, then put her head down and continued eating, crunching at the oats.

Nate checked out the other horses, touching them, reminding them who was in charge. Before he entered the barn he stopped, looking behind him at the snow-capped mountains that edged the ranch feeling a twinge of envy at their beauty. His brother had ended up with a prime piece of real estate thanks to his deal with Evangeline’s father, who had owned it previously.

He was happy for Denny, though. Nate knew how bad Denny felt after his divorce with his first wife cost the ranch that Nate had seen as a place of refuge. A place he felt safe. At the Norquests’, he never had to worry about someone striking out at him for no reason. Locking him up in the basement for days on end.

And now, with the death of the man who had hurt and tormented him so often and in so many ways, Nate felt free. Though the letter tucked in his back pocket mocked that very freedom.

Nate spun around and strode into the barn, tossing the pail aside, struggling once again with memories that had, for the most part, been eased away with the unconditional love of Denny’s family. They had introduced him to faith and had shown him a better way to live. His stepfather was nothing to him. He would take nothing from him. Ever.

* * *

Mia pushed the stroller back and forth, thankful the girls still slept, equally thankful she could get the large stroller into the counselor’s office. Josh sat beside her immersed in his computer game. In the small room just off his office, she heard Dr. Schuler talking to Nico.

Please, Lord, let something good come from this, Mia prayed. She could use some good news. The girls were out of sorts and she knew a lot of it had to do with being yanked out of their routine. Josh was uncharacteristically cranky.

Tomorrow she had to deal with the insurance company, and her initial contact with the agent this morning hadn’t been encouraging.

Please let the doctor have figured out how to help Nico.

The door creaked open and Dr. Schuler stepped out. With his blond goatee, longish hair, plaid shirt and faded blue jeans he looked more like a West Coast logger than a therapist. But Mia wasn’t going to quibble about his wardrobe choices. Dr. Brouwer had had nothing but encouraging words for this man.

Nico came behind Dr. Schuler, clutching a handful of papers covered with the same colorful drawings as the papers Dr. Schuler carried. Mia suspected those pictures had been the main source of communication between them.

Dr. Schuler gave Mia a smile that she could only construe as encouraging. Then he stopped at his desk, laid the papers down and hit the intercom button. “Nancy, could you come into the office and take Nico and Josh to the playroom for a few minutes?”

A short, portly woman bustled into the office and squatted down in front of Nate and Josh. “I have a fun race-car set I would like to show you,” she said.

Josh needed no encouragement, but Nico glanced at Mia, who nodded her assent. Only then did he leave.

“So I’ve had an interesting session with Nico,” Dr. Schuler said as he tapped the stack of papers in front of him. “I understand both from Dr. Brouwer and from the pictures he made for me that he survived a fire?”

Mia nodded, her guilt over not being there plunging like a dagger in her heart as she clutched the stroller, pushing it back and forth, back and forth.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” Dr. Schuler said.

“I should have been there.”

“With your two girls? Do you think you could have gotten four children out on your own?”

His probing questions put things into perspective for Mia. Reluctantly, she nodded, accepting the quiet wisdom he was giving her.

“Josh and Nico came through with minimal physical damage and for that you can be thankful. However, Selective Mutism is not uncommon in a child as young as Nico after a very traumatic event. It will go away, but it takes time and it takes giving Nico space to let us know what he wants.”

“And what do you suggest?”

Dr. Schuler laid out the papers he had taken with him and leaned his elbows on the desk. “Could you have a look at these? Tell me if you recognize anything in them.”

Though the pictures were crudely drawn, Mia had seen enough of Nico’s drawings to recognize what he was trying to portray. The first paper was covered with orange and red flames and in the middle of them stood a stick figure of a man wearing a black cowboy hat, a feather stuck in the band. The cowboy stood beside a smaller figure. The next picture beside it was of the same man, riding a horse. The man wore the same cowboy hat. Another picture showed, what Mia guessed, was the same stick figure. He stood by a horse, again, but a little boy rode the horse. Another picture depicted the same thing.

“Is there anything, other than the ubiquitous man with the black cowboy hat with the feather, that you notice about these pictures?” Dr. Schuler was saying.

Mia stifled a yawn as her eyes flicked over the pictures but she couldn’t find what Dr. Schuler wanted her to see. “Sorry. My brain isn’t working properly today.”