Pick Your Poison

But there was something still nagging at her. A sense that those cases were connected somehow, in some way she couldn’t grasp.

She hadn’t got a long way through Kung Fu Martians when one of her many phones began to ring. She had a good collection of telephones by now, having become interested in them when she was just five years old: every shape, every design, from a bar of soap to a squirrel in a tuxedo.

She reached for the donut and flipped it open.

‘Twinford Garbage Disposal, we depend on your trash.’

‘Ruby?’

‘Oh, hey Del.’

‘Look, thanks a load Rube, I owe you one, man.’

‘Don’t mention it,’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, who hasn’t jumped into a dumpster to prevent a friend being socked in the kisser?’

‘Most people,’ said Del. ‘Anyway, the thing is, all I’m saying is I appreciate it.’

‘Any time,’ said Ruby. ‘Don’t think me rude, but I oughta get back to reading my comic book; I’m trying to figure something out here.’

‘Go figure,’ said Del.

Del hung up and Ruby went back to her reading until the next interruption, which came from the ACA Insurance Company.

‘Hello ma’am, how are you today, my name’s Doris, I’m calling from the ACA Insurance Company and I would like to invite you to take out an ACA life insurance policy with ACA Life Insurance at half the cost of our usual policy and if you join us today right now over the phone I can throw in an alarm clock radio and a free watch, worth a grand total of fifteen dollars and ninety-nine cents.’

‘Well, thank you for the offer Doris,’ said Ruby, ‘and as good as that sounds, I regret to say I am only thirteen years old and have no dependents depending on my income and no income to speak of, a perfectly good alarm clock radio and a better than ordinary wristwatch, besides which I do not plan to die just yet.’

‘Oh, sorry dear, might I speak to your mother?’

‘She too has a wristwatch and no plans to die.’

‘None of us plan to die, dear.’

‘Believe me, my mom’s not dying, she looks half her age and eats muesli for breakfast – thank you for your call.’

Ruby replaced the phone and resumed her reading, but three minutes later she was interrupted again. This time by Mrs Lemon.

‘Oh Ruby, I’m so glad I caught you, I was just wondering, I mean hoping to goodness, that you might be able to watch baby Archie tomorrow?’

This was not a call Ruby wanted to take, and just how Elaine Lemon had got hold of her private number was a mystery and something she would be taking up with her mother when she came back from wherever she was.

‘Well, jeez Elaine, it’s good of you to think of me but I am up to my eyeballs right now.’

‘Up to your eyeballs in what?’ asked Elaine.

‘This and that,’ said Ruby. ‘I got the girl scouts and band practice and cheerleading, not to mention the Christmas pageant.’

‘Really? Aren’t you a little old for Christmas pageants?’

‘Never too old to join in, Elaine, and I’m a joiner.’

‘It would seem so. My, they do begin these Christmas rehearsals early these days, it’s not even October,’ said Mrs Lemon. ‘Well, Ruby, if you are too busy then I won’t press you and I must applaud your get-involved spirit.’

‘I appreciate that Elaine, I really do,’ said Ruby. Then she hung up and once again went back to her comic. By the time the fourth phone call came in Ruby was a little strung out.

‘What!’ she yelled into the receiver.

‘You OK Ruby? You sound a little tense.’

‘Oh, it’s you Clance, sorry about that,’ said Ruby, relieved to hear the voice of her closest friend and most loyal ally, Clancy Crew, coming back down the line.

‘Yeah, well I’ve had a kinda tense few hours,’ she explained, ‘not what I had planned.’

‘Yeah, I ran into Del, she told me what happened. She was concerned that you might be mad at her,’ said Clancy.

‘Well, I’m not,’ said Ruby.

‘I told her you wouldn’t be,’ said Clancy.

No one knew Ruby like Clancy did, not even Mrs Digby, and she knew Ruby back to front and inside out.

‘So are you worried that Mrs Digby will tell your mom and dad?’

‘What makes you think Mrs Digby knows?’

‘You think she doesn’t?’

‘She knows,’ sighed Ruby. ‘She always knows. Mr Chester rang her, but she has no interest in getting my folks involved. You can imagine how they would react, right?’

Clancy sucked air through his teeth; he knew all right.

‘So what have you been doing?’ asked Ruby.

He let out a weary sigh. ‘I’ve been trying to make this petition to oppose Mrs Bexenheath’s suggestion that the school lockers be moved from the main corridor to somewhere totally inconvenient.’

‘Yeah, well that’s Mrs Bexenheath all over. Just so long as things are nice and tidy for her then she’s not interested in whether it works for any of us,’ said Ruby.

‘She doesn’t get it. The lockers are more than a place to keep your tennis shoes,’ said Clancy, ‘they are integral to social interaction.’

‘You’re preaching to the choir Clance, it’s Principal Levine you gotta persuade.’

‘I know,’ said Clancy, ‘but I have no idea how.’

‘You’ll think of something,’ said Ruby. ‘I have total faith.’

Pause.

‘So you watching The Ex Detective?’ asked Clancy.

‘I totally forgot it was on this afternoon. What’s the deal?’ asked Ruby.

‘Larry’s got his mom in town, but she’s just been kidnapped.’

‘I didn’t know that Larry had a mom.’

‘No one did,’ said Clancy, ‘but now she’s been kidnapped Larry realises how much he’s been missing her and wishes he hadn’t let the grass grow under their relationship.’

‘It’s always the way,’ sighed Ruby.

‘Yeah,’ agreed Clancy, ‘you just don’t know what you got until it’s gone.’

‘Talking of gone, when exactly are you flying to Washington?’ asked Ruby.

‘In about three weeks,’ said Clancy. ‘My dad’s planning on bringing along the whole pack of us.’

‘So what’s the point of this trip – pleasure or pain?’

Clancy sighed. ‘He won’t tell us, but he said this time we’ll enjoy it. Unlikely, I think. I’ll bet he just wants us to be there looking like a super-happy family. It’s good for politics.’ Clancy’s father was Ambassador Crew and he liked his family to fall in behind him in a nice straight line and generally make him look good. The Crew children struggled with this, partly because they weren’t suited to a life of smiling and waving but mainly because Ambassador Crew was much more focused on himself than he was on them.

‘Jeepers Clance, just how much smiling time has he got you down for?’

‘Forty-eight hours at least,’ said Clancy. ‘I don’t think my jaw will stand it.’

‘You’re pretty resilient, Clance,’ she yawned, ‘you’ll think of something to smile about.’

‘I doubt it,’ said Clancy. ‘Anyway, have you spoken to Hitch since the whole, you know, thing?’ he asked.

Ruby glanced around her as if somewhere in this Twinford teenager’s bedroom something lurked and listened. She was right to be concerned – it wasn’t prudent to talk on an unsecured line. She had learned this the hard way a few months back. Spectrum was not some sort of employment agency, it was a spy agency, and as anyone knew, spy agencies should not be blabbed about. In fact, blab and you could pack up your spy kit and head on home. It was Spectrum RULE 1: KEEP IT ZIPPED. Talking to your best pal Clancy Crew about Spectrum would also bring about a termination of your contract, but then Spectrum weren’t going to know about that since when it came to secrets, Clancy Crew was a vault and though Hitch knew that Clancy knew, he was also a vault.

So you could be pretty certain this secret was well and truly secret.

‘No,’ said Ruby, ‘Hitch hasn’t been around here. He told my folks he’s in the Bahamas with his mother.’

‘I didn’t know he had a mother.’

‘I’m not sure he does.’

‘You think he just made her up?’

‘When it comes to Hitch, I think it’s hard to know what’s true. You think you know him but, look at it this way, what do I really have as hard evidence? Do I know anything?’

‘You know he likes coffee,’ suggested Clancy.

‘What I know Clance,’ corrected Ruby, ‘is that Hitch drinks coffee and a lot of it, but does he drink it because he likes the taste of it or because he needs to keep from falling asleep? Well, it’s anybody’s guess.’

‘So you wanna meet?’ asked Clancy.

Ruby paused, for a moment torn between the pleasure of chatting to her friend and the pleasure that was reading Kung Fu Martians. She sighed. ‘Sure, why not, my day is ruined anyway.’

‘Oh, thanks a bunch, buster.’

‘I didn’t mean it like it sounded,’ said Ruby. ‘Just meant I was planning on a little downtime, but I guess your company might restore my mood.’

‘I’m beginning to think yours might have the entirely opposite effect,’ said Clancy.

‘See you in ten,’ said Ruby.

THEY MET WHERE THEY USUALLY MET when they didn’t want to bump into anyone else – the old oak tree on Amster Green. It was a good spot for hiding coded notes when there were secrets to be passed, and it was also a pretty perfect spot to sit and observe the comings and goings on Amster. The leafy branches provided good cover from passers-by, even this late in the year. October was almost here and most of the leaves still clung to the branches, the colours vivid and varied. It was an exceptional fall due to the late summer and sudden cold snap, the old oak’s leaves turning a whole host of colours.

‘Ideal for leaf peepers,’ said Ruby.

‘What?’ said Clancy.

‘Leaf peepers,’ repeated Ruby, ‘folks who like to spend their free time looking at leaves turning.’

‘There’s a name for people who do that?’ said Clancy. ‘Looking at leaves changing colour has an actual name?’

‘Everything has a name,’ said Ruby. ‘And this is an especially good fall for leaf peeping. It’s due to that Indian summer we had; I mean, until a few weeks ago the days were pretty sunny, unusually so. We’ve also had some cool evenings and no rain to speak of – as I said, ideal conditions for leaf peepers. It all has to do with sunlight, sugar and sap.’

‘What?’ said Clancy.

‘The green in a leaf is chlorophyll, right? Well, chlorophyll disappears more quickly when the sunlight is bright and the evenings are cool. And dry weather makes more sugar in the cell sap, which accelerates production of red compounds. So: bright days, cool nights and no rain means the green goes fast and lots of red is made to replace it. A leaf peeper’s idea of heaven.’

‘Jeepers, you really retain all this stuff in your actual brain?’

‘You never know when it might come in handy,’ said Ruby.

‘Apart from a biology test, I don’t see this info coming in super handy,’ said Clancy. ‘It’s not knowledge you need to have at your fingertips.’

‘How do you know?’ said Ruby. ‘You never know when a piece of information might prove vital for your future survival.’

‘I think you can be fairly sure this leaf thing isn’t going to help you in a life-or-death situation.’

Ruby knew a lot of facts like this – she spent an awful lot of time looking them up in books. She sometimes even attended lectures on subjects which interested her, slipping in unseen to the Twinford University seminars. The more you know, the more you know was a motto of Ruby’s, and she knew a lot.

Clancy and Ruby were sitting high in the oak’s branches and looking up at the sky and the dark clouds that were beginning to gather. Was the wind picking up or was there rain coming in?

‘You reckon you could outrun a tornado?’ mused Clancy.

‘No,’ said Ruby.

‘You say that, but I mean could you? I mean, has anyone tried?’

‘I’m sure plenty have tried, but unless they can run at two hundred miles an hour then no, they haven’t succeeded.’

‘Even on a bike?’ asked Clancy.

‘Who can ride a bike at two hundred miles an hour? Who does anything at two hundred miles an hour?’ said Ruby.

Clancy changed the subject. ‘So how are you going to explain climbing into a garbage can?’ he asked.

‘To whom?’

‘Your folks?’

‘How are they gonna find out? Mrs Digby’s sure as darn it not gonna tell ’em.’

‘Yeah, but Mr Chester might.’

‘Oh, so he’s been broadcasting in your neighbourhood as well?’

‘Well, my sister Lulu knew about it. She overheard Mr Chester telling Mr Nori when she walked past the bus stop.’

‘Why doesn’t Mr Chester just get himself a radio station? It would give him wider coverage.’

‘I’m not sure it would,’ said Clancy.

As parents went, Sabina and Brant Redfort were two very easy-going people, but bad manners and lack of social graces turned them very uptight indeed – especially if these failings were their daughter’s. And getting spotted by the town busybody as you climbed out of a dumpster in front of a poker bar was not socially graceful.

‘Let Mr Chester gossip all he likes,’ said Ruby. She wasn’t concerned; she would figure out exactly what to say. ‘So what was the exciting thing you wanted to tell me?’

‘What do you mean, what exciting thing?’ said Clancy.

‘Come on Clance, it is written all over your face, practically oozing out of the corners of your mouth. I can tell you’ve been dying to tell me something since you got here.’

‘No fooling you, huh?’ said Clancy.

‘I can read you like a book, baby.’

Clancy frowned. ‘Let’s hope a more interesting book than the one about how leaves turn red.’

‘So what’s the news?’

‘I’m going to the Environmental Explorer Awards,’ said Clancy, smiling the smile that he would be wearing on the night.

‘You’re going to that?’ Ruby felt like she might fall off her branch.

Clancy nodded. ‘Yes, I am.’

‘Since when?’ said Ruby.

‘Since my dad had this extra invitation.’

‘How did he manage that?’ asked Ruby.

‘My mom’s not keen on some of the live exhibits.’

‘I guess you got lucky,’ said Ruby.

‘I know,’ said Clancy, ‘it’s this year’s big money-can’t-buy ticket. It must be one of the few perks of being the Ambassador’s favourite son.’ (Clancy was also the ambassador’s only son.)

‘What about your sisters? They not wanna go?’ asked Ruby.

‘Minny’s banned due to some misdemeanour or other, Lulu’s not into that kinda thing, and since I’m the third oldest the others don’t actually get a look in.’

‘I must say, for once I envy you my ambassadorial pal,’ said Ruby.

‘Are your mom and dad going?’ said Clancy.

‘Need you ask?’ said Ruby. The Twinford Environmental Explorer Awards was a three-yearly event held in the Twinford Geographical Institute, a grand modernist building near the Twinford City Museum. A large cheque was presented by a local dignitary to the environmentalist deemed to have made the biggest impact on some area of world ecology. It was a big deal event. Of course the Redforts were going. Ruby’s parents were Twinford’s premiere socialites, attending on average two major functions per week along with a sprinkling of private parties, launches and fundraisers.

‘You couldn’t, like, wrestle a ticket?’ asked Clancy.

‘It’s a sell out,’ said Ruby, ‘everyone wants to be there. I guess I will be left watching it on TV.’

‘It’s because of the exhibits,’ said Clancy, ‘that’s what makes it so popular. They said there’s going to be moon rock there and probably one or two astronauts floating around.’

‘If you get to speak to one of them you gotta ask, which is the more comfortable space suit: the G4C, or the A7L?’ Ruby thought for a moment and then added, ‘Also, does the moon really smell like wet gunpowder?’

Clancy said, ‘I’m going to ask them how they can sit in a rotating spacecraft without getting dizzy? I mean my sister Nancy would puke all the way to the moon.’

‘Which isn’t saying a lot since your sister Nancy looks like she’s about to puke every time she climbs aboard the school bus. No, the real question to ask is – “Aren’t you concerned about all that space junk you’re littering the galaxy with? Sooner or later someone’s going to bump into a lump of it …” – that’s what I wanna know,’ said Ruby. ‘That and what Virgil Hipkip does in his spare time.’

‘Can you even imagine?’ mused Clancy. ‘I mean how does a guy like that relax?’

‘Ah, he probably knits,’ said Ruby.

Virgil Hipkip was a survivalist and explorer of hostile terrain, and known for many hair-raising feats, but the most notorious was when he swam beneath the Arctic ice with a polar bear.

‘He’s the reason my mom doesn’t want to go,’ said Clancy. ‘She thinks he may have insisted that jungle grubs be served as canapés.’

‘A not entirely unreasonable worry,’ said Ruby.

‘I’m hoping to meet him,’ said Clancy. ‘As they say, he hangs out with the rare and dangerous, or is it the dangerously rare?’

‘Well, talking of dangerously rare, if you get a chance, ask him if he’s run into the Blue Alaskan wolf recently – I’ll betcha he hasn’t.’

‘Yep, we must be the only two kids alive today who have seen that old wolf,’ said Clancy. They were talking about a creature thought to be extinct until August that year. Ruby and Clancy had cut it loose. Had they left it caged up there on Wolf Paw Mountain where Lorelei von Leyden and the mysterious Australian woman she was working for had trapped it, then its fate might very well have been the same as that of the dodo.

‘So who do you figure is going to get the big cheque?’ asked Ruby.

‘My money’s on the woman who discovered that new snake species.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘I don’t know, just a hunch,’ said Clancy. ‘I just got a good feeling about her. It’s the sort of discovery that takes a hold on people’s imaginations.’

‘That’s because people are scared of snakes,’ said Ruby. ‘People like to be thrilled.’

‘True, but more than that, this snake has an amazing yellow skin, I mean, fluorescent yellow,’ said Clancy. ‘On top of that, it has a really weird venom, interesting weird.’

‘What does it do?’ said Ruby.

‘Well, it doesn’t kill you,’ said Clancy. ‘At least, not immediately. First of all you sweat, like a lot. I mean you basically sweat to death unless you drink about a gallon of water; if you don’t, you end up like a raisin. The worst of it is, you find you can’t close your eyes – they are sort of pinned open, which is very unattractive and unrelaxing.’

‘You think you would be able to relax with symptoms like those?’ asked Ruby.

‘It also gives you really bad breath,’ added Clancy.

‘Gross. How come you know all these reptile facts?’ asked Ruby.

‘My dad was given the literature on account of him being on the awards committee. I read up on it. It’s top secret though; I shouldn’t even be telling you,’ said Clancy. ‘I hope you’re not going to blab.’

Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘Give me a break.’ Hearing about the snake made her wish more than ever that she could make it to the Explorer Awards; snakes were of particular interest to her.

She had spent an awful lot of her time watching the nature channel and had seen more than a few programmes about deadly snakes and their habitats. It was a subject that fascinated both her and Clancy, and one that they had often argued about.

They were always trying to figure out which was the most deadly snake of all. Clancy would usually argue: ‘It has to be the hook-nosed sea krait because it requires the least venom to kill.’

‘Come on, it has got to be the Russell’s viper,’ Ruby would answer. ‘I mean, it has to be considered the more dangerous on account of it being a more aggressive reptile and it packs more venom. You also have to consider that you are much more likely to cross paths with a Russell’s viper than our hook-nosed friend.’

Clancy refused to accept this argument and merely countered that this was not the point – if one happened to meet the Enhydrina schistosa then the chances of making it back to the beach to enjoy a little more sunbathing activity were pretty much non-existent. This argument had been going on for the past five and a quarter years and a compromise had yet to be found. What they both did agree on was: ‘Whichever one you meet, just be sure you don’t upset it.’

‘This snake lady,’ said Ruby, ‘what’s her name?’

Amarjargel Oidov? Or as they say in Outer Mongolia, Oidov Amarjargel.’

‘That’s where the snake’s from? Outer Mongolia?’

‘No, that’s where she’s from. I don’t know where the snake’s from,’ said Clancy. ‘It sounds cool, doesn’t it?’

‘What, the snake?’

‘Outer Mongolia. I mean, how many countries are called ‘outer’ whatever?’

‘You mean like outer space?’

‘Yeah sorta, just makes it sound exciting, kinda wild,’ said Clancy.

‘Speaking of outer space, my money’s on the Mars exploration,’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, what could be more exciting than the big question … is anyone out there?’

‘… And will they infiltrate human society?’

‘Well, if they are and they do then please let them be on the side of wholesome good-citizen-like behaviour because we already have more than enough bad guys mooching around, most of them in Twinford, as far as I can tell.’

The face of the Count loomed up in her mind’s eye – she could see him laughing, his dark eyes unfathomable. He’d been involved in more than one of the cases Ruby had worked on. Did he have further plans to bring his deadly ambitions to town? She had a bad feeling that all of the cases she’d solved so far were only building up to something bigger. Something infinitely deeper and darker than her worst nightmares could conjure.

She shook her head, trying to dislodge the image, and said, ‘Boy, if I could just get my hands on one of those Explorer tickets.’

‘You’d be lucky,’ said Clancy. ‘My dad said people are ready to commit murder for them.’

And Ruby could almost hear the Count laugh.

WHEN RUBY OPENED THE FRONT DOOR she could hear her mother’s voice. Sabina Redfort was on the phone and speaking in a vaguely hushed tone. Ruby paused on the stairs, trying to figure out who her mother was talking to. She sounded serious, very serious.

‘You know, I’m just at a loss, what am I going to do? It will be a total disaster if I don’t find them … I can’t tell him …’ Silence. ‘Oh my gosh, are you sure? … You really mean it? I mean, I can see the sense, they are practically identical … I don’t know how I can ever thank you!’ She sounded beyond grateful. ‘That would just about save my life … What’s that? No, I hadn’t heard … Today you say?’

Ruby froze, waiting for the next words. Was someone about to tell her mother about the dumpster incident?

‘Sure thing, yes, I’m dying to go to the Melrose Dorff sale but it will have to be tomorrow, I have a party tonight … Meet you at the perfume counter, sounds perfect, tomorrow it is. I’ll see you in town, bye, bye, bye.’

Marjorie Humbert! thought Ruby. Has to be. She recognised the sign off: ‘bye, bye, bye’ was what her mother and Marjorie always ended their conversations with.

She exhaled; she was getting paranoid, seeing trouble where there was none. Nothing serious had happened. Her mom no doubt was worrying about her outfit for the Explorer Awards and Marjorie was lending her a pair of shoes or earrings, something her mother had mislaid.