The Colloquies of Erasmus, Volume I

Pa. Did you not find a single Life irksome to you?

Gl. Nothing happened to me in the whole Course of my Life, more afflicting than the Death of my Wife, and I could have passionately wish'd that we might have grown old together, and might have enjoy'd the Comfort of the common Blessing, our Children: But since Providence saw it meet it should be otherwise, I judged that it was best for us both, and therefore did not think there was Cause for me to afflict myself with Grief, that would do no good, neither to me nor the Deceased.

Pol. What, had you never an Inclination to marry again, especially the first having been so happy a Match to you?

Gl. I had an Inclination so to do, but as I married for the Sake of Children, so for the Sake of my Children I did not marry again.

Pol. But 'tis a miserable Case to lie alone whole Nights without a Bedfellow.

Gl. Nothing is hard to a willing Mind. And then do but consider the Benefits of a single Life: There are some People in the World, who will be for making the worst of every Thing; such a one Crates seemed to be, or an Epigram under his Name, summing up the Evils of human Life. And the Resolution is this, that it is best not to be born at all. Now Metrodorus pleases me a great Deal better, who picks out what is good in it; this makes Life the pleasanter. And I brought my Mind to that Temper of Indifference never to have a violent Aversion or Fondness for any thing. And by this it comes to pass, that if any good Fortune happens to me, I am not vainly transported, or grow insolent; or if any thing falls out cross, I am not much perplex'd.

Pa. Truly if you can do this, you are a greater Philosopher than Thales himself.

Gl. If any Uneasiness in my Mind rises, (as mortal Life produces many of them) I cast it immediately out of my Thoughts, whether it be from the Sense of an Affront offered, or any Thing done unhandsomly.

Pol. Well, but there are some Provocations that would raise the Anger of the most patient Man alive: As the Saucinesses of Servants frequently are.

Gl. I suffer nothing to stay long enough in my Mind to make an Impression. If I can cure them I do it, if not, I reason thus with myself, What good will it do me to torment myself about that which will be never the better for it? In short, I let Reason do that for me at first, which after a little While, Time itself would do. And this I be sure take Care of, not to suffer any Vexation, be it never so great, to go to Bed with me.

Eu. No wonder that you don't grow old, who are of that Temper.

Gl. Well, and that I mayn't conceal any thing from Friends, in an especial Manner I have kept this Guard upon myself, never to commit any Thing that might be a Reflection either on my own Honour or that of my Children. For there is nothing more troublesome than a guilty Conscience. And if I have committed a Fault I don't go to Bed before I have reconcil'd myself to God. To be at Peace with God is the Fountain of true Tranquillity of Mind, or, as the Greeks call it, [Greek: euthymia]. For they who live thus, Men can do them no great Injury.

Eu. Have you never any anxious Thoughts upon the Apprehension of Death?

Gl. No more than I have for the Day of my Birth. I know I must die, and to live in the Fear of it may possibly shorten my Life, but to be sure it would never make it longer. So that I care for nothing else but to live piously and comfortably, and leave the rest to Providence; and a Man can't live happily that does not live piously.

Pa. But I should grow old with the Tiresomeness of living so long in the same Place, tho' it were Rome itself.

Gl. The changing of Place has indeed something of Pleasure in it; but then, as for long Travels, tho' perhaps they may add to a Man's Experience, yet they are liable to a great many Dangers. I seem to myself to travel over the whole World in a Map, and can see more in Histories than if I had rambled through Sea and Land for twenty Years together, as Ulysses did. I have a little Country-House about two Miles out of Town, and there sometimes, of a Citizen I become a Country-Man, and having recreated my self there, I return again to the City a new Comer, and salute and am welcom'd as if I had return'd from the new-found Islands.

Eu. Don't you assist Nature with a little Physick?

Gl. I never was let Blood, or took Pills nor Potions in my Life yet. If I feel any Disorder coming upon me, I drive it away with spare Diet or the Country Air.

Eu. Don't you study sometimes?

Gl. I do. In that is the greatest Pleasure of my Life: But I make a Diversion of it, but not a Toil. I study either for Pleasure or Profit of my Life, but not for Ostentation. After Meat I have a Collation of learned Stories, or else somebody to read to me, and I never sit to my Books above an Hour at a Time: Then I get up and take my Violin, and walk about in my Chamber, and sing to it, or else ruminate upon what I have read; or if I have a good Companion with me, I relate it, and after a While I return to my Book again.

Eu. But tell me now, upon the Word of an honest Man; Do you feel none of the Infirmities of old Age, which are said to be a great many?

Gl. My Sleep is not so sound, nor my Memory so good, unless I fix any thing deeply in it. Well, I have now acquitted myself of my Promise. I have laid open to you those magical Arts by which I have kept myself young, and now let Polygamus tell us fairly, how he brought old Age upon him to that Degree.

Po. Indeed, I will hide nothing from such trusty Companions.

Eu. You will tell it to those that will not make a Discourse of it.

Po. You very well know I indulg'd my Appetite when I was at Paris.

Eu. We remember it very well. But we thought that you had left your rakish Manners and your youthful Way of Living at Paris.

Po. Of the many Mistresses I had there I took one Home, who was big with Child.

Eu. What, into your Father's House?

Po. Directly thither; but I pretended she was a Friend's Wife, who was to come to her in a little Time.

Gl. Did your Father believe it?

Po. He smelt the Matter out in three or four Days time, and then there was a cruel Scolding. However, in this Interim I did not leave off Feasting, Gaming, and other extravagant Diversions. And in short, my Father continuing to rate me, saying he would have no such cackling Gossips under his Roof, and ever and anon threatning to discard me, I march'd off, remov'd to another Place with my Pullet, and she brought me some young Chickens.

Pa. Where had you Money all the While?

Po. My Mother gave me some by Stealth, and I ran over Head and Ears in Debt.

Eu. Had any Body so little Wit as to lend you?

Po. There are some Persons who will trust no Body more readily than they will a Spendthrift.

Pa. And what next?

Po. At last my Father was going about to disinherit me in good earnest. Some Friends interpos'd, and made up the Breach upon this Condition; that I should renounce the French Woman, and marry one of our own Country.

Eu. Was she your Wife?

Po. There had past some Words between us in the future Tense, but there had been carnal Copulation in the present Tense.

Eu. How could you leave her then?

Po. It came to be known afterwards, that my French Woman had a French Husband that she had elop'd from some Time before.

Eu. But it seems you have a Wife now.

Po. None besides this which is my Eighth.

Eu. The Eighth! Why then you were named Polygamus by Way of Prophecy. Perhaps they all died without Children.

Po. Nay, there was not one of them but left me a Litter which I have at Home.

Eu. I had rather have so many Hens at Home, which would lay me Eggs. An't you weary of wifeing?

Po. I am so weary of it, that if this Eighth should die to Day, I would marry the Ninth to-Morrow. Nay, it vexes me that I must not have two or three, when one Cock has so many Hens.

Eu. Indeed I don't wonder, Mr. Cock, that you are no fatter, and that you have brought old Age upon you to that Degree; for nothing brings on old Age faster, than excessive and hard Drinking, keeping late Hours, and Whoring, extravagant Love of Women, and immoderate Venery. But who maintains your Family all this While?

Po. A small Estate came to me by the Death of my Father, and I work hard with my Hands.

Eu. Have you given over Study then?

Po. Altogether. I have brought a Noble to Nine Pence, and of a Master of seven Arts, I am become a Workman of but one Art.

Eu. Poor Man! So many Times you were obliged to be a Mourner, and so many Times a Widower.

Po. I never liv'd single above ten Days, and the new Wife always put an End to the Mourning for the old one. So, you have in Truth the Epitome of my Life; and I wish Pampirus would give us a Narration of his Life; he bears his Age well enough: For if I am not mistaken, he is two or three Years older than I.

Pa. Truly I'll tell it ye, if you are at Leisure to hear such a Romance.

Eu. Nay, it will be a Pleasure to hear it.

Pa. When I went Home my antient Father began to press me earnestly to enter into some Course of Life, that might make some Addition to what I had; and after long Consultation Merchandizing was what I took to.

Po. I admire this Way of Life pleas'd you more than any other.

Pa. I was naturally greedy to know new Things, to see various Countries and Cities, to learn Languages, and the Customs and Manners of Men, and Merchandize seem'd the most apposite to that Purpose. From which a general Knowledge of Things proceeds.

Po. But a wretched one, which is often purchas'd with Inconveniencies.

Pa. It is so, therefore my Father gave me a good large Stock, that I might begin to trade upon a good Foundation: And at the same Time I courted a Wife with a good Fortune, but handsome enough to have gone off without a Portion.

Eu. Did you succeed?

Pa. No. Before I came Home, I lost all, Stock and Block.

Eu. Perhaps by Shipwreck.

Pa. By Shipwreck indeed. For we run upon more dangerous Rocks than those of Scilly.

Eu. In what Sea did you happen to run upon that Rock? Or what is the Name of it?

Pa. I can't tell what Sea 'tis in, but it is a Rock that is infamous for the destruction of a great many, they call it Alea [Dice, the Devil's Bones] in Latin, how you call it in Greek I can't tell.

Eu. O Fool!

Pa. Nay, my Father was a greater Fool, to trust a young Fop with such a Sum of Money.

Gl. And what did you do next?

Pa. Why nothing at all, but I began to think of hanging myself.

Gl. Was your Father so implacable then? For such a Loss might be made up again; and an Allowance is always to be made to one that makes the first Essay, and much more it ought to be to one that tries all Things.

Pa. Tho' what you say may be true, I lost my Wife in the mean Time. For as soon as the Maid's Parents came to understand what they must expect, they would have no more to do with me, and I was over Head and Ears in Love.

Gl. I pity thee. But what did you propose to yourself after that?

Pa. To do as it is usual in desperate Cases. My Father had cast me off, my Fortune was consum'd, my Wife was lost, I was every where call'd a Sot, a Spendthrift, a Rake and what not? Then I began to deliberate seriously with myself, whether I should hang myself or no, or whether I should throw myself into a Monastery.

Eu. You were cruelly put to it! I know which you would chuse, the easier Way of Dying.

Pa. Nay, sick was I of Life itself; I pitched upon that which seem'd to me the most painful.

Gl. And yet many People cast themselves into Monasteries, that they may live more comfortably there.

Pa. Having got together a little Money to bear my Charges, I stole out of my own Country.

Gl. Whither did you go at last?

Pa. Into Ireland, there I became a Canon Regular of that Order that wear Linnen outwards and Woollen next their Skin.

Gl. Did you spend your Winter in Ireland?

Pa. No. But by that Time I had been among them two Months I sail'd into Scotland.

Gl. What displeas'd you among them?

Pa. Nothing, but that I thought their Discipline was not severe enough for the Deserts of one, that once Hanging was too good for.

Gl. Well, what past in Scotland?

Pa. Then I chang'd my Linnen Habit for a Leathern one, among the Carthusians.

Eu. These are the Men, that in Strictness of Profession, are dead to the World.

Pa. It seem'd so to me, when I heard them Singing.

Gl. What? Do dead Men sing? But how many Months did you spend among the Scots?

Pa. Almost six.

Gl. A wonderful Constancy.

Eu. What offended you there?

Pa. Because it seem'd to me to be a lazy, delicate Sort of Life; and then I found there, many that were not of a very sound Brain, by Reason of their Solitude. I had but a little Brain myself, and I was afraid I should lose it all.

Po. Whither did you take your next Flight?

Pa. Into France: There I found some cloath'd all in Black, of the Order of St. Benedict, who intimate by the Colour of their Cloaths, that they are Mourners in this World; and among these, there were some, that for their upper Garment wore Hair-Cloth like a Net.

Gl. A grievous Mortification of the Flesh.

Pa. Here I stay'd eleven Months.

Eu. What was the Matter that you did not stay there for good and all?

Pa. Because I found there were more Ceremonies than true Piety: And besides, I heard that there were some who were much holier, which Bernard had enjoin'd a more severe Discipline, the black Habit being chang'd into a white one; with these I liv'd ten Months.

Eu. What disgusted you here?

Pa. I did not much dislike any Thing, for I found them very good Company; but the Greek Proverb ran in my Mind;

[Greek: Dei tas chelônas ê phagein ê mê phagein.]

One must either eat Snails, or eat nothing at all.

Therefore I came to a Resolution, either not to be a Monk, or to be a Monk to Perfection. I had heard there were some of the Order of St. Bridget, that were really heavenly Men, I betook myself to these.

Eu. How many Months did you stay there?

Pa. Two Days; but not quite that.

Gl. Did that Kind of Life please you no better than so?

Pa. They take no Body in, but those that will profess themselves presently; but I was not yet come to that Pitch of Madness, so easily to put my Neck into such a Halter, that I could never get off again. And as often as I heard the Nuns singing, the Thoughts of my Mistress that I had lost, tormented my Mind.

Gl. Well, and what after this?

Pa. My Mind was inflamed with the Love of Holiness; nor yet had I met with any Thing that could satisfy it. At last, as I was walking up and down, I fell in among some Cross-Bearers. This Badge pleas'd me at first Sight; but the Variety hindered me from chusing which to take to. Some carried a white Cross, some a red Cross, some a green Cross, some a party-colour'd Cross, some a single Cross, some a double one, some a quadruple, and others some of one Form, and some of another; and I, that I might leave nothing untry'd, I carried some of every Sort. But I found in reality, that there was a great Difference between carrying a Cross on a Gown or a Coat, and carrying it in the Heart. At last, being tired with Enquiry, it came into my Mind, that to arrive at universal Holiness all at once, I would take a Journey to the holy Land, and so would return Home with a Back-Load of Sanctimony.

Po. And did you go thither?

Pa. Yes.

Po. Where did you get Money to bear your Charges?

Pa. I wonder it never came into your Head, to ask that before now, and not to have enquir'd after that a great While ago: But you know the old Proverb; a Man of Art will live any where.

Gl. What Art do you carry with you?

Pa. Palmistry.

Gl. Where did you learn it?

Pa. What signifies that?

Gl. Who was your Master?

Pa. My Belly, the great Master of all Arts: I foretold Things past, present, and to come.

Gl. And did you know any Thing of the Matter?

Pa. Nothing at all; but I made bold Guesses, and run no Risque neither, having got my Money first.

Po. And was so ridiculous an Art sufficient to maintain you?

Pa. It was, and two Servants too: There is every where such a Number of foolish young Fellows and Wenches. However, when I came to Jerusalem, I put myself into the Train of a rich Nobleman, who being seventy Years of Age, said he could never have died in Peace, unless he had first visited Jerusalem.

Eu. What, did he leave a Wife at Home?

Pa. Yes, and six Children.

Eu. O impious, pious, old Man! Well, and did you come back holy from thence?

Pa. Shall I tell you the Truth? Somewhat worse than I went.

Eu. So, as I hear, your Religion was grown cool.

Pa. Nay, it grew more hot: So I went back into Italy, and enter'd into the Army.

Eu. What, then, did you look for Religion in the Camp. Than which, what is there that can be more impious?

Pa. It was a holy War.

Eu. Perhaps against the Turks.

Pa. Nay, more holy than that, as they indeed gave out at that Time.

Eu. What was that?

Pa. Pope Julius the Second made War upon the French. And the Experience of many Things that it gives a Man, made me fancy a Soldier's Life.

Eu. Of many Things indeed; but wicked ones.

Pa. So I found afterwards: But however, I liv'd harder here, than I did in the Monasteries.

Eu. And what did you do after this?

Pa. Now my Mind began to be wavering, whether I should return to my Business of a Merchant, that I had laid aside, or press forward in Pursuit of Religion that fled before me. In the mean Time it came into my Mind, that I might follow both together.

Eu. What, be a Merchant and a Monk both together?

Pa. Why not? There is nothing more religious than the Orders of Mendicants, and there is nothing more like to Trading. They fly over Sea and Land, they see many Things, they hear many Things, they enter into the Houses of common People, Noblemen, and Kings.

Eu. Ay, but they don't Trade for Gain.

Pa. Very often, with better Success than we do.

Eu. Which of these Orders did you make Choice of?

Pa. I try'd them all.

Eu. Did none of them please you?

Pa. I lik'd them all well enough, if I might but presently have gone to Trading; but I consider'd in my Mind, I must labour a long Time in the Choir, before I could be qualified for the Trust: So now I began to think how I might get to be made an Abbot: But, I thought with myself, Kissing goes by Favour, and it will be a tedious Pursuit: So having spent eight Years after this Manner, hearing of my Father's Death, I return'd Home, and by my Mother's Advice, I marry'd, and betook myself to my old Business of Traffick.

Gl. Prithee tell me, when you chang'd your Habit so often, and were transform'd, as it were, into another Sort of Creature, how could you behave yourself with a proper Decorum?

Pa. Why not, as well as those who in the same Comedy act several Parts?

Eu. Tell us now in good earnest, you that have try'd every Sort of Life, which you most approve of.

Pa. So many Men, so many Minds: I like none better than this which I follow.

Eu. But there are a great many Inconveniences attend it.

Pa. There are so. But seeing there is no State of Life, that is entirely free from Incommodities, this being my Lot, I make the best on't: But now here is Eusebius still, I hope he will not think much to acquaint his Friends with some Scenes of his Course of Life.

Eu. Nay, with the whole Play of it, if you please to hear it, for it does not consist of many Acts.

Gl. It will be a very great Favour.

Eu. When I return'd to my own Country, I took a Year to deliberate what Way of Living to chuse, and examin'd myself, to what Employment my Inclination led me, and I was fit for. In the mean Time a Prebendary was offered me, as they call it; it was a good fat Benefice, and I accepted it.

Gl. That Sort of Life has no good Reputation among People.

Eu. As human Affairs go, I thought it was a Thing well worth the accepting. Do you look upon it a small Happiness to have so many Advantages to fall into a Man's Mouth, as tho' they dropt out of Heaven; handsome Houses well furnish'd, a large Revenue, an honourable Society, and a Church at Hand, to serve God in, when you have a Mind to it?

Pa. I was scandaliz'd at the Luxury of the Persons, and the Infamy of their Concubines; and because a great many of that Sort of Men have an Aversion to Learning.

Eu. I don't mind what others do, but what I ought to do myself, and associate myself with the better Sort, if I cannot make them that are bad better.

Po. And is that the State of Life you have always liv'd in?

Eu. Always, except four Years, that I liv'd at Padua.

Po. What did you do there?

Eu. These Years I divided in this Manner; I studied Physick a Year and a half, and the rest of the Time Divinity.

Po. Why so?

Eu. That I might the better manage both Soul and Body, and also sometimes be helpful by Way of Advice to my Friends. I preached sometimes according to my Talent. And under these Circumstances, I have led a very quiet Life, being content with a single Benefice, not being ambitiously desirous of any more, and should have refus'd it, if it had been offered me.

Pa. I wish we could learn how the rest of our old Companions have liv'd, that were our Familiars.

Eu. I can tell you somewhat of some of them: but I see we are not far from the City; therefore, if you are willing, we will all take up the same Inn, and there we will talk over the rest at Leisure.

Hugh. [a Waggoner.] You blinking Fellow, where did you take up this Rubbish?

Harry the Waggoner. Where are you carrying that Harlottry, you Pimp?

Hugh. You ought to throw these frigid old Fellows somewhere into a Bed of Nettles, to make them grow warm again.

Harry. Do you see that you shoot that Herd of yours somewhere into a Pond to cool them, to lay their Concupiscence, for they are too hot.

Hugh. I am not us'd to overturn my Passengers.

Harry. No? but I saw you a little While ago, overturn Half a Dozen Carthusians into the Mire, so that tho' they went in white, they came out black, and you stood grinning at it, as if you had done some noble Exploit.

Hugh. I was in the Right of it, they were all asleep, and added a dead Weight to my Waggon.

Harry. But these old Gentlemen, by talking merrily all the Way, have made my Waggon go light. I never had a better Fare.

Hugh. But you don't use to like such Passengers.

Harry. But these are good old Men.